iHateGreenBeans

I recently took a minor poll among friends and family members who have been following my blog for years. I was interested to hear which of my posts they thought would best represent my writing style for submission to a magazine editor.

It’s been so fun to hear what they consider to be my classics. I’ve decided to start a new category called “Throwback” and will post some of my early vintage work periodically until the new site is up and running.

Let me know what you guys think!

Lincee

* * * * *

So there I was. Dreading HUET Class. Also known as: Helicopter Underwater Evacuation Training.

Oh. I’m not joking.

Somehow, I’ve been on a few offshore rigs before and never once been asked if I am certified. Apparently, you can sign a waiver saying that if you helicopter goes down, you won’t hold anyone liable. But those days are over I hear, according to my boss. We had one of our “infamous” chats just last week:

Boss: “Good news and bad news.”
Lincee: “Should I sit down?”

Boss: “You are probably going to Rio to visit a few offshore rigs in Brazil.”
Lincee: “Sweet!”

I start singing “Welcome. Welcome to Rio! The tropical hot spot. Saludos amigos.”…a song that was included on my Disco Mickey Mouse cassette tape that I wore out playing over and over and over again when I was a kid. He didn’t laugh. He just stared at me funny. He does that a lot. I did, however, finish the chorus before preparing myself for the bad news.

Boss: “We will have to take HUET classes. That’s where they dunk you under water and you have to escape out of the helicopter simulator. You okay with that?”
Lincee: “Indubitably.”

He leaves my office and the first thing I do is “YouTube” this HUET business. As I’m searching, I convince myself it’s not going to be that bad. I love to swim. I can hold my breath like a champ. This is going to be a piece of cake.

Then I see the video. Things are looking good. Climbing in the chair. Okay. Buckling in. Sort of creepy, but got it. Crossing arms and signals. Good, good. And then dunk!

HOLD THE PHONE! THEY DUNK YOU UPSIDE DOWN?

Cleansing deep breathes to get my heart rate down. In through the nose. Out the mouth.

My class is in Galveston. By the time I make the hour long trip there, I’m convinced that the test will take place in a dark simulator with five or six guys in scuba gear ready to rescue me when I start flailing about in a panic. I wonder if my steel toe boots are going to sink me to the bottom of the tank that is filled with murky water and if I’ll be able to move in my orange coveralls. What if I can’t hold my breath that long? What if I pass out and they have to do CPR? What if I’m the first one to ever fail HUET? What if I fail and am unable to go to Rio?

The class is small. We are in a room with about 10 other people. I’ve arrived with my boss and Mark, the guy who takes all of our photography and video. We sit near the back and listen to our instructor Jim.

Clearly, Jim has done this for a very long time. This fact is evident from the way he describes “all you need to know” about HUET safety. Basically, you strap yourself in and cross your hands over your chest. For today’s class, there are two exits…one to the right and one to the left. You will be dunked three times. The first time, you exit your window and your partner exits his. The second time, you both go out your window and the third, you both go out your partner’s window.

Jim says that it’s simple really. Just place your hand on the window pane at the bottom with your strong hand and unbuckle with your left and swim out. If you get scared, put your hands on your forehead and you will be pulled out.

And that’s it. The pep talk took all of ten minutes. I look at my boss. He looks back. I dissolve into a fit of giggles.

Next, we watch a 20 minute video about three dudes who work offshore. It appeared to be made in the early 80s. The video simulated a helicopter going down and what do to if you are ever in this situation.

The narrator’s first suggestion was to remain calm and take a deep breath.

Okay.

He then walks us through Jim’s evaluation descriptions, reminding us to not kick our legs…whatever we do. All three guys make it out safely. Hurray!

Then they walk us through what to do if things don’t go as planned. Such as: what if your window doesn’t pop open? What if there’s a “perished” colleague in your way? What if your seat belt doesn’t unfasten?

All very valid questions in my book.

My favorite part was when they tell you not to take a big breath when you pop up out of the water because there is more than likely going to be a fire or some sort of fuel spill. It’s best to just take a quick breath and go back under and swim away from the debris. Then look for survivors.

Survivors.

Lights come on and Jim asks if there are any questions. We all sit in solemn silence. He claps his hands and says, “Now. Let’s get out there and pass this test!”

We all look at each other baffled. I think we may have been in the classroom for less than an hour. And we are going to the simulator? Already? Don’t I need more instruction? Can I watch that video again, because this time I won’t be distracted by the “perished” colleague’s mullet. Please?

Nope. We get the “fun part” over with at the beginning of class.

Now I’m nervous. I change into my coveralls and head to the car. We arrive at our destination and it’s a swimming pool. With a steel cage. THAT’S IT? No murky water? No dark simulator? Oh look! There’s Jim! He’s rockin’ some sweet back hair. I guess there won’t be five guys in scuba gear ready to save me. It’s just Jim. This isn’t so bad after all!

Our first part of training was jumping off diving boards and swimming in long lines hanging on to each other with our legs. I made sure not to swim by my boss during this portion. My legs were wrapped around a nice marine biologist thank you very much. We practiced huddling in a circle and keeping the middle guy warm. This happened to be our photographer Mark. That wasn’t awkward at all. We then all enter a rescue life raft. I was the last to be hoisted through the opening by two guys. They pulled me in so hard, that my face landed in the middle of everyone’s feet and then I slid ALMOST into the crotch of the marine biologist. Again…not awkward at all.

We exit the pool and go to the cold water immersion suit area. These things are basically big rubber jumpers that are supposed to keep you warm in the North Sea should you have to jump overboard. They make you look like a red Gumby. The trick is to wiggle in them on the ground like you are entering a sleeping bag. Then you stand up, put your arms in and attempt to zip up the front. Clearly, this was a problem for me.

They had us jump off the diving board again and do all the same things in these ginormous suits that we just did with life jackets. Fun times.

Now for the hard part. There are six of us in this portion of the simulator test. We have to pair off. My boss chooses me. And we are stuck going last.

The first pair get in the simulator and dunk three times with flying colors.

The second pair have one little bump…the girl’s helmet fell off because her head is so small.

And now it’s our turn. My boss enters first and I’m behind him. I’ve been feeling pretty confident and it isn’t until I buckle myself (shoulder harness and lap belt) that I begin to think, “Is this really necessary? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m going to “perish” if I go down in a helicopter. And knowing my luck, a shark will probably eat me if I happen to survive impact, getting out of the seat, finding a window, opening a window, swimming to the top and not breathing in toxic air. Maybe I should re-think this job. I could write for a living. Maybe I could call ABC and see if they would give me a job as Chris Harrison’s assistant or something. Heck. I’ll wait tables. Maybe go back to Disney World…”

Jim is yelling at me. “READY?”
Mark the photographer is yelling at me. “SMILE!”

We both say we are ready and he yells, “TAKE A DEEP BREATH!” and we plunge sideways into the water.

All I can remember is that up became down and right became left. And there were lots of bubbles. I feel my window pane, unbuckle quickly, waiting for the eight second tap that it is time to swim out. A little disoriented which way is up, I head for sun and pop out of the water.

I did it!

Back in the simulator for round two. My boss got water up his nose and in his ears. He can’t hear me, or is ignoring me, when I ask, “Which way do you want to go out this time? Me follow you or you follow me?”

Nothing. He doesn’t answer. He’s mentally preparing himself for the quest. I have to punch him into reality. We decide he will follow me on round two.

Jim yells again, “READY?”
We agree.

Dunk number two. I find my pane, unbuckle and feel a push from my side. My boss is forcing me out the window! Being a rule follower, I was waiting for the eight second tap, but in his world, you survive by any means necessary. I head out the window and he proceeds to grab my leg. Not for dear life…but an aggressive grab none the less. I basically pull my leg through the window and he follows, popping up out of the water before me! I then get lectured on how I need to be quicker when evacuating an upside down helicopter simulator in the middle of a pool on the Texas A&M campus in Galveston.

Yeah. Note to self. Got it Bill.

Round three. I am to follow him out his window now. We are old pros by this point and I hang out upside down for a while thinking I need to give him some time to unbuckle and get through the window. I reach over and he is GONE. Dude has left me to “perish” below. I cross hand over hand to escape. It is then that one of my toe thumbs gets wedged somehow between two pieces of metal. No time to waste, I jerk it out with all my might. When I reach the surface, he is dried off, drinking water and talking with Mark the photographer.

Thanks a lot Bill.

Soaking wet, we make our way to the car where our dry clothes are stored. We walk in silence and then Mark says, “That was pretty cool.” We all agree, high five each other and talk about the times we were really nervous but didn’t want to tell the other one. Then we all call everyone we know to say we are alive and bask in the glory of the fact that it’s OVER!

All in a day’s work my friend. Next stop? Rio de Janeiro baby!

I’d like to start out by thanking all of you for your love and support. The sweet notes left in the comment section are extremely flattering. And the friend requests on Facebook have been overwhelming! I welcome you all with open arms! Group hug everyone! (A quick shout out to Jody Henry who friended me and I accidentally hit ignore on my Blackberry. Please try friending again! I’ll totally accept you! Sorry!)

I love how this website brings people together. We have huge followings in Chicago and I think it’s so cool that you guys are thinking about getting together for the finale. Please take pictures and send to me as you raise your glasses in a moment of silence for Our Host Chris Harrison. I will totally post them. Bonus points if you can get Nicole and Frank to join you. Someone might need to give them a ride back to the hostel when the night is over though, but I’m sure you’ll score a 25% off coupon at your next Abercrombie visit. I hear skinny jeans are on sale!

Finally, this weekend I had the opportunity to meet a good friend of the website. Many of you follow Some Guy In Austin (www.guyinaustin.blogspot.com) and marvel at his talented writing and clever perspective of the reality show we all love to hate. Some Guy and I both live on the same plane of reference when it comes to our sarcastic humor and general sense of comedic timing. He’s a true Texan who knows how to push a gal around the dance floor. And he does it with a Lone Star beer in his back pocket. There was a moment this weekend when he went rogue and played that awful “love don’t come easy” song by He Who Must Not Be Named over and over and over again. Just as my ears started bleeding all over the upholstery of his vehicle, he took mercy on me and switched to the “Thong Song.”

Even though his iPod consumes precious gigabytes for HWMNBN, it was impressive that he knew all the words to Sisqo’s scandalous underwear anthem.

I don’t care who you are. That’s awesome.

And speaking of awesome…

How incredibly awesome was Our Host Chris Harrison last night? Smooth. Poised. Funny. Quick. And dashingly handsome in his fashion forward ensemble that consisted of a dark suit paired with a lilac shirt and plum-colored tie. It was at that point that I decided anything in the purple family is Harrison’s color.

He strolls confidently onto the stage bathed in the soft essence of 1,000 tea lights, acknowledges the audience in the round, flashes his megawatt smile to the camera and announces with a refined elegance that he is, indeed, Chris Harrison. And the crowd goes wild.

Let’s be honest. We don’t care about the “Men Tell All.” We know it’s going to be a mind-numbing montage of footage we’ve already seen. Most of us only tune in to experience the debonair Chris Harrison and the blooper reel. Everything else is just fluff. Even the audience looked bored after Harrison’s entrance.

Trust me. They are bored. I’ve been there. A few years ago, Harrison invited me to come out to a taping of “The Women Tell All” during the good doctor Travis Stork’s season. Although it was a cool experience, the entire taping lasted about five hours. We drove to an obscure part of Los Angeles and were dropped off blocks from the address given to me by Harrison’s people. Being in an “ify” part of the city, I was convinced that soon, I would understand what Vanilla Ice experienced when he rapped about gun shots ringing out like bells as he grabbed his nine and all he heard were shells. As luck would have it, my ride (which was not a 5.0, but a Yellow Cab) was already gone and there would be no jumping into the car and slamming of any gas trying to maneuver bumper-to-bumper traffic. And none of us had a nine, but I’m pretty sure my sister had pepper spray. And Jill taught self defense. All I had was my vicious rhetoric and one bad knee. UNHELPFUL!

We walk towards a dodgy neighborhood after noticing a rather pimped out car driving through a pretty secure gate. This had to be the place. We grabbed the bars and looked through like the orphans in Oliver Twist. Resisting the urge to sing “Food Glorious Food” I straightened up when a rather large security guard came over and asked us what we needed. I dropped Chris Harrison’s name and the dude pretty much laughed and told me to have a nice day as he walked away from the gate.

Luckily, Harrison had given me his cell phone number in case of an emergency. I called it and the assistant answered. She was happy to come out and rescue us from the scary bodyguard. After giving up our phone, purses, cameras, emptying our pockets of all lint, a quick sample of blood and urine and promising to name our first born Our Host Chris Harrison, we were taken to an outdoor tent. They played the forgo card date episode (because they tape that week) and by the time we get to the end, everyone is hot, sweaty and extremely hungry.

Then they took us into the arena where it’s nice and cool. During that hour, they moved people around. Those in the shot of the camera needed to be primped and pretty. I was in the VIP section because I’m cool like that. The producers went around asking if people wanted to volunteer to be on camera. Those who did had to “audition” with canned questions. This took FOREVER. Naturally, I’m starting to shake because I am so freaking hungry. Everyone knows I always have peanut butter crackers or something in the “gummy” family in my purse at all times. But Bruno the Bodyguard has confiscated it and I was out of luck. Now I’m just irritated.

Corey the Warm-Up guy takes us through facial expression exercises. This isn’t annoying at all. We “oooohhh” and “aaaahhhh” for the cameras. We are on hour number four at this point. Soon the women come out and the entire thing takes another hour to film. They exit the audience like cattle and you’re on your own to find a safe way back to civilization.

So yeah. The audience is truly bored.

I’m going to break the recap down into highlights. Each will have a theme which may be enhanced by utilizing my personal recommendation of accompaniment music on your iPods. Enjoy.

Bachelor: Rated R Justin
Theme: He’s still a cheating douche.
Theme Song: “Secret Lover” by Atlantic Starr

Harrison was dogmatic about reminding us before every commercial break that Rated R was the season villain. He walks us through video montages of Justin telling Ali numerous times that he was “here for the right reasons.” We learn that Justin had not one, but two girlfriends as we looked back at his unforgettable hobbling exit in Turkey that included a rehash of the subtitled voice messages from girlfriend number one.

The audience boo’d him even though he wasn’t there.

Ty called him a liar. The Weatherman said his soul patch was cute, but he was evil. Kirk outed him and said that he heard him call girlfriend number one from the bathroom with the shower running. And Craig the Informer wants everyone watching that he is no friend…or relative for that matter…of Rated R and that he never wants or had a friendship with him. All his fellow bachelors applaud and I Google to figure out what in the world he’s talking about.

Our Host brings out the “super special guest” who ends up being Jessie. You remember her, right? Her best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with this girl who messaged her using the social networking phenomenon Facebook to get advice on how she can get on TV tattle on her cheating gimp of a boyfriend.

Wearing Harrison’s two favorite colors—short and tight—Jessie bounces out in a barely there strapless black mini dress. She talks about girlfriends one and two, tells a weird story about Valentine’s Day and then makes fun of Justin for not having a car. Just as we begin to conclude that her last name must be American Broadcasting Company, because there’s no other way the girl could have landed this much air time between Jake season, this flaunting session, as well as a coveted position on the debauchery known as The Bachelor Pad, Our Host politely dismisses her as he sneaks a sip of bourbon from his boot flask.

In an unprecedented moment, Harrison ascends the steps and is a mere inches from some of our lucky audience members.

You know he smelled good.

Anyway, he openly asks if the audience has any questions about Justin. One woman says that Ali did a great job calling Justin out and proclaims that all women around the world are proud of her. Another asks Craig the Informer if he would wrestle Justin in an olive oil match at a later date.

Two things happened at that moment.
1. Craig the Informer’s year was made.
2. An ABC producer grabs his “brainstorming” folder and takes a note under the Bachelor Pad 2 Great Ideas column.

Bachelor: Kasey
Theme: “He’s Looney Tunes. But one thing I have to give him. He stayed crazy the entire time.” Southern Ty
Theme Song: “Crazy For You” by Madonna

Harrison made a decision to blatantly call out Kasey’s craziness. He mentions him “guarding and protecting” all the time, the unfortunate singing and the embarrassing tat. Then he brings up the funny thing he and Ali did on their date in planetarium. Ali stares blankly and has no clue what Harrison is talking about. Fortunately, the ABC intern hands him his MAC with the Hulu clip all ready to play. Ali has no recollection of telling Houston that we have a problem while wearing an astronaut helmet. She was too drunk to remember. Remember…she had already heard Kasey sing twice. Do we really blame her for trying to force herself to pass out when her secret “help me” message didn’t reach Harrison?

I’m going to say no.

Kasey joins Harrison in the hot seat.

OHCH: “It’s safe to say that you did more to win Ali’s affection than any other man on the show. You were well on your way to win the coveted position as Mayor of Crazy Town. In the end, you were alone on a glacier. What was it like?”
Kasey: “Freezing.”

OHCH: “Not only were you rejected after showing Ali your wicked tat, but you were rejected for JUSTIN!”
Kasey: “I think it was admirable that she let me go since she wasn’t feeling it.”

OHCH: “Do you think you came on too strong?”
Kasey: “Oh Chris. There’s a girl somewhere out that who would have loved that.”

OHCH: “You realize that girl is more than likely in a straight jacket, right?”
Kasey: “Maybe. But I have other charms.”

OHCH: “You mean your singing? Dude. IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE. STOP.”
Kasey: “Here’s the thing. I’m not a singer.”

OHCH: “No duh.”
Kasey: “But I was having fun.”

OHCH: “While you were on that glacier, did you ever think, ‘Damn. I should not have done that.’”
Kasey: “Hey. I’m a memory.”

OHCH: “Kasey. You’re going down in history for sure.”

Later, Kasey mesmerizes us again with another original tune that he sings to Ali:

On the night I first saw you
I came to guard your heart
But you left me on a glacier
And chose that dumb ass Rated R

THE BACHELORS GO WILD!
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS!
Harrison checks his watch and rolls his eyes.

Kasey continues with a second verse:

Frank and Justin are bad guys
And they really did you wrong
I just wanted to make you smile
By singing you another Kasey song

THE BACHELORS FIST PUMP!
THE AUDIENCE FIRECLEY CLAPS!
Harrison sneaks another hit off the boot flask.

Bachelor: Kirk
Theme: She broke his heart but he will persevere and LIVE STRONG.
Theme Song: “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler or the cast of GLEE

Ali admits that Kirk’s scrapbook made him stand out among the sea of Bachelors on the first night. Harrison gives Kasey a tip and tells him to enroll in Creative Memories classes the next time he feels the need to impress a chick. Use ink on paper and not on your flesh.

Ali also states that Kirk’s Dad’s caribou foot with googly eyes named Norman was not creepy enough to send Kirk packing. Harrison is not convinced and asks Kirk to join him in the hot seat.

It is at this moment that I take a good look at Kirk and wonder if the ABC makeup artists are purposely using foundation that is a shade too light to make him look sickly. And they didn’t even try to cover up the massive circles under his eyes. As my Mimi would say, Kirk looked peaked. I was fearful that the mold had returned.

Kirk says he loved Ali and saw himself proposing. He tells us that his mold helped him realize that he’s ready for a relationship and if Ali doesn’t want to take that amazing journey, then he’s ready to find it elsewhere.

Harrison reads off of a card that “we have all been inspired by you” and Kirk hopes that was enough to land him at least a consideration as the next Bachelor.

Bachelor: Weatherman
Theme: To be gay, or to not be gay. That is the question.
Theme Song: “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls

There were several classic Weatherman moments:

1. I absolutely love that Chris Harrison called him Weatherman.
2. The Weatherman describes Ali as “mystical.”
3. The Weatherman’s jacket. That’s all that needs to be said.
4. Wearing a vest that he janked off of a blackjack dealer at the casino, The Guy You Can’t Remember tries to pick a fight by telling Weatherman that he “bi#ched out” when he was confronted by Coiffed Craig. Dude We Can’t Remember became very irritated when Harrison mentioned how awesome it was when Jesse boldly called Coiffed Craig’s bluff as they talked shop about how he wanted to knock him out with one punch. Nobody cares No Name Guy. Leave the little Weatherman alone and pick on someone your own size.

Bachelor: Phantom – Previously Known as Trista’s Husband Ryan
Theme: It wasn’t bad editing. The dude would randomly disappear.
Theme Song: “Ghost Riders” by Johnny Cash

This was probably one of my favorite parts of the entire show. I thought it was a little much on Phantom’s part that he had a t-shirt made and whined about Rated R. But Cape Cod Chris’ impression of him had me rolling on my couch. And Chris Harrison’s amazement at how much Phantom was talking on-camera was classic.

Miscellaneous Moments

• Roberto points a bottle of champagne directly at Ali’s head and almost puts an eye out. She didn’t care because he was in his baseball uniform.
• Harrison questions Ali about the peacocks making noises in the tree during her alone time with Roberto. He asks her to make that sound. She does. The intern passes him $20 bucks.
• Ali talks about walking the tight rope with Roberto and says, “I can’t think of anyone else I would want to do it with than Roberto.”
• Someone bold replaces Harrison’s champagne glass with a plastic one. When he taps the glass with a knife, no sound issues forth. He laughs, walks off camera, puts the knife up to that person’s throat and dares him to move. That person no longer works for the company.
• La Bacheloretta: Weatherman, Craig the Informer and Roberto all speaking Spanish to each other.
• Ali’s silver dress that looked like a bottle of glitter and sequins threw up on her.

Ali started with 25 men, but only two men remain…Chris and Roberto. I honestly have no idea who she will pick. I’m going to assume that there is a clause after Hotter than Crap Brad Womack season that states you MUST choose someone. If I had to predict right now, I would say Roberto wins and the Cape is our next Bachelor.

What do you guys think? Be heard in the comment section and thanks again for reading!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Recap will be up as soon as I finish my fan letter to Our Host.  It’s called, “How Do I Love Thee?  Let Me Count the Ways:  An Ode to Chris Harrison.”

I’m super excited to see what’s in store for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Set your DVRs because MAD MEN is back on Sunday!

Oh Don.  We know you can’t live without Betty.

Oh Betty.  We know you don’t love that senator guy.

Oh Peggy.  It creeps me out that you’ve seen Duck naked.

Oh Joan.  You are my favorite.

Oh Pete.  Don’t be so smarmy this season to your wife.  We love Trudy!

Oh Roger.  Here’s hoping your young new bride is over the fact that JFK is dead.