Spoiler alert: Andi traveled around the world to become engaged to a guy who lives five minutes down the street. Josh is happy. His dog is happy. Andi is happy. And Hy is working on accepting his soon-to-be sweaty son-in-law. That’s called a victory in Bachelor Nation.
Of course with every happy ending, there’s always someone who is left sulking in the corner, confused by the fact they too got a certain type of happy ending, yet ABC will not be paying for their wedding come springtime. But we’ll get to that later on.
The show begins with Our Host Chris Harrison commanding the softly lit After the Final Rose studio. He smelled of single malt whiskey, a Montecristo white and tenacity. My first retweet couldn’t have come at a better time:
Don’t throw those cups away Kate. You wash and reuse.
It’s time for Daddy Dorfman to meet Nick. I didn’t have high hopes for our favorite Wisconsinite when he showed up wearing a lady’s purple shirt, complete with those little tag things that poke out from the arm hole and button just above the elbow.
He quickly redeemed himself when he offered Hy a bottle of rum he swiped from Our Host Chris Harrison’s limo. Well played Nick. Well played.
He was nervous, but quickly won Andi’s parents over when he openly gushed about how much he’s in love with their daughter. The Mom cried when he said he has never felt this way before. And when Hy asked what he liked about Andi, Nick wisely answered, “She is very passionate about what she does, but doesn’t take herself too seriously. She knows what she wants but she goes with the flow. I know your daughter is for me and I’m going to marry her. It would mean a lot if I had your blessing.”
Hy gives him an enthusiastic, “Meh, okay.” They bro hug it out.
Also, the sister has a turtle tattoo. At first I thought that this was some serious product placement for Disney, but upon further Google research, Paramount is behind the 2014 reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I guess she just reeeeeeeeaaaaallllllyyy likes turtles.
Heroes in a half shell.
Next up is Josh and he too is wearing purple. His shirt is tighter than Andi’s denim panties she wore that one time and it shows every ounce of sweat he produces from nerves, Dominican Republic humidity and Murray genes. His shirt is buttoned down to there and he has matching purple shoes. Hy was not impressed. The family thinks he’s loud, boisterous and the fact that he’s a former athlete sends major flags to Sister Turtle Power.
Josh sits down with her and her husband (they hold hands all the time) and he assures them that he is in this to win this. And also he loves Andi. Then Hy cracks open the rum and escorts Josh down to the edge of the property. Hy asks him what he likes about Andi. Unlike the wise, normal answer Nick gave, Josh leads with “she’s beautiful” and follows up with a “she’s gorgeous” and ends with the ever popular “she’s beautiful.” Then he asks Hy for Andi’s hand in marriage.
Hy gives him an enthusiastic, “Meh, okay.” They bro hug it out.
We immediately head straight into Josh and Andi’s last one-on-one date. Andi chooses this special moment to wear her favorite Mrs. Roper caftan, while Josh chooses a man tank about three sizes too small. There was also a tiny pocket. What in the world would fit in there?
Andi takes Josh sailing. They talk about love, future, blah, blah, blah, yet I was distracted by the fact that Andi’s hair was flying everywhere, yet Josh never offered her one of the many hair bands he wore on his wrist like bracelets.
That night, Josh attempts to rock a mean pair of red/orange pants, and I once again miss Ames.
Instead of looking cool, Josh looked like an ’80s movie villain. It was also at that moment I thought that Andi and Josh’s kids will have really shiny hair. Andi sort of tells Josh that she’s nervous that all the emotion will eventually go away and they are left with a shell of each other. Josh assures her that will never, ever happen. And to prove it, he gives her a present. It’s a baseball card with the name Andi Murray (bold move) and all their date stats on the back. I thought it was a solid nod to the now mandatory last date gift. Although I had no idea about this:
I knew the minute Andi showed up in her pajama shorts and the oversize tank (read: Josh’s from the night before) that Nick probably wasn’t going to be the one at the end to drop down on bended knee.
She hugs him tightly and tells him that she wants to let her hair down and go off roading. Let the record show that her hair was in a braid and the Jeep never left the actual road.
PS: Nick did not look like this in a Jeep:
That night, Nick tells Andi that once upon a time, he just woke up and knew that he wasn’t supposed to propose to his girlfriend. What took him 10 minutes to tell, I nailed in just one sentence. I’m just sayin’.
He hints around that he wishes he knew what to expect the next day with Andi and she tells him that he shouldn’t be so analytical. Turn off your brain and just feel. It’s just the rest of your life. Don’t think about it so much!
Nick is not capable of turning his brain off, so Andi tosses him a token “It will be alright” which Nick translates into, “It will be alright because I’m picking you tomorrow.” He’s so smitten that he gives her a vile of sand to wear around her neck.
The next morning, Andi walks around in a hot pink negligee, pretending to ponder an extremely easy decision.
Even Victoria knows that outfit is no longer a secret. Put some pants on Andi.
And then we get this shot:
And this one:
I have no idea what message they were trying to convey, but I’m sure hysterical laughter is not what they were going for. It’s funny because it’s scripted.
I get my head back in the game (HSM?) and passed the dramatic abs so I can concentrate on what Andi is saying. Newsflash: Nick is passionate and Josh is fun. Nick is also wearing a red and white gingham shirt. I wouldn’t have been surprised if ants started crawling all over him.
Josh is up first to visit with Uncle Neil. He picks a very large diamond, shakes the man’s hand and then waits the agreed upon 30 seconds before leaving the cabana to head back to his room. We assume Uncle Neil heads down to Nick’s room and when Nick opens the door, Andi is standing there looking extremely gloomy.
Instead of landing this plane, ABC milks a good 15 minutes with Our Host “interviewing” Clare, The Farmer and Drew (blast from the past) on the gravity of this situation. Clare says that she wishes someone had come to her door. The Farmer is nice. And I don’t know what Drew said because I was Googling him. He was Des’ season BTW.
Then Michelle Money stands up and asks Chris Harrison when the next Bachelor is going to be announced? The entire studio audience starts chanting CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS! For a hot second, I though they meant Our Host. I had never been more proud of a studio audience, but then I remembered that The Farmer is named Chris. Our Host never answered, but rumor has it that it will be announced after the conclusion of the debauchery known as Bachelor Paradise.
Back to Andi.
She boldly throws the EXACT SAME LINE Nick used the night before as the delicate opening of her break-up speech. Remember how something wasn’t right when he was engaged before? SURPRISE! SHE DOESN’T FEEL IT EITHER!
He asked very smart questions. She basically said he over analyzes everything and she can’t handle that. Nick said that when he said he loved her, he meant it and she shouldn’t have reacted the way she did. He feels like she took it too far. He hopes that she is a million percent (figuratively of course) sure that Josh is the one.
He walks her to his door, she sort of hugs him and he shuts it before she can see him cry. She walks to her waiting SUV in the rain, taking slow, purposeful steps.
The rain won’t hurt her. Because she’s about to be made over for her engagement anyway.
But then a thought creeped into my head. What if Andi is about to pull an Ultimate Mesnick?
A regular Mesnick involves crying on a balcony.
An Ultimate Mesnick involves choosing one winner and then changing your mind.
This did not happen.
Nick is so distraught, he throws away his first impression rose in the garbage, packs his tiny suitcase and manages to refrain from weeping in the back seat of the rejection limo. A single tear falls down his cheek as he wonders, “Why?!”
Andi is now dressed in an interesting Grecian number with a sloppy version of Elsa hair. The Home Depot team has gone above and beyond to build a proposal pedestal on a koi pond. Andi waits for her knight in tight fitting armor to sweep her off her feet. Josh arrives and gives the same speech he’s heard a million times in the locker room, exchanging the word “team” for Andi and “baseball” for love.
And for all of you who wonder how Reality Bif figures out who the winner will be before the end of the season, I have a theory for you.
Josh completes his engagement spiel 10 minutes later. Andi tells him that she’s been in love with him (going against everything inside of her that says not to) since the day they met! He proposes. She says yes. He sweats. She doesn’t care because of the six carats glistening in the sun on a very important finger. Go Team!
Our Host kicks off After the Final Rose with a sad montage featuring Nick and his distraught mother. Cameras follow him around Milwaukee looking generally forlorn. He decides that he needs to talk to Andi, so he phones Harrison and asks if he can come out to Men Tell All.
Harrison meets him in his dressing room, warning him not to get too close to his array of shirts. He hasn’t quite figured out which end of the blue spectrum he will be going with, and time is of the essence.
Harrison agrees to talk to Andi for Nick. She does NOT want to see him, so he writes her a letter that rambled on for 18 pages. FRONT AND BACK.
Is anyone else troubled by how many times I’ve used that joke this season?
Back at the studio, Nick has been invited to the hot seat. He’s wearing mourning clothes. He dissects his relationship with Andi for 15 minutes. Remember that part about him being too analytical? Harrison finally brings Andi out to join Nick on the hot couch and she tries to encourage him by the age old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” and “You’ll find someone great one of these days.”
Nick: Exactly. I thought that was you. That’s the hard part.
Andi is trying to control her emotions, but she suddenly blurts out that she never told Nick that she loved him.
Nick’s body language says, “Right. That’s part of the game.”
Then he goes for the jugular and says, “I’m just not sure why (PREGNANT PAUSE) you made love that night.”
I didn’t hear what Andi said because my gasp was so incredibly loud that I was impressed with myself. I rewound. Andi told Nick that that statement was below the belt and she wished that some things had been kept private. I wonder who had the bigger reaction to that sentence: Josh or Hy?
I agree with her about Nick hitting below the belt. But I also agree with him that she completely sent mixed signals. Regardless, Nick will be seen in a negative light now. Welcome to the Bachelor Villain column Nick! I hope you and He Who Must Not Be Named are happy together.
The DA Andi has officially been unleashed. She no longer cares if she hurts Nick’s feelings. She tells him that she was being considerate when she approached him before he spoke to Uncle Neil and got all gussied up in a tuxedo. She did care and he needs to get over himself.
At this point, Harrison is concerned for Nick’s life, so he intervenes and ends the interview. He pitches Bachelor Paradise while the ABC Intern escorts Nick off the stage and gives Andi a chance to cool off.
After the commercial break, Josh and Andi are reunited. He shakes her like a doll because he’s so excited he beat Nick and that he has a fiance now. Harrison calls Andi out for having a grumpy face and then he brings out grumpy cat. I would have gone with the pout, but the season is over and I’m already moving on.
What did you think about tonight’s episode? Will you be watching Bachelor Paradise? It starts next week you know. You know I’m tuning in. I’m itchy just thinking about it.
All about the shame, not the fame,
First things first — A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON! I’m sure this is exactly what he wished for as he effortlessly blew out the candles on his birthday cake Saturday.
We’re glad you were born Harrison.
Second things second — It’s final rose day ladies and gentlemen and it’s time to vote. Who will Andi choose?
Thanks so much for coming back to visit even though posts have been few and far between around here. I’m currently at the BlogHer conference in San Jose. I’m pretty excited to hear the latest and greatest in the blog world. I’m sure I’ll be full of joy and confidence! Or I’ll be in the fetal position under the table because I’m intimidated by the talent around me. Regardless, I have gummy bears in my purse. If I’m above the table or below the table, I will NEVER go hungry.
I’ll be back in full swing on Monday. I promise. In the meantime, enjoy my favorite links from this week!
Things are moving along over at Entertainment Weekly. This week’s Covert Affairs recap has an animated gif that made me blush. And Amy Poehler makes an appearance in Welcome to Sweden. Leslie Knope forever! #clickclickclick
I can’t believe When Harry Met Sally is celebrating its 25 year anniversary. Elle Magazine takes us back to Sally’s rockin’ wardrobe. Will you be having what she’s having? (See what I did there?)
My friend Karmen introduced me to this website. Things Fitting Perfectly Into Other Things. Pass it along to all your OCD friends!
Stop the presses the scrunchie is back people. My Mama will be sooooo happy.
When I was in fourth grade, I won the Citizen Bee award and was called up to the podium in front of the entire school. Of course the principal looked at my uniquely spelled name and enthusiastically instructed “Linky Ray” to join her on stage. I looked around for the foreign exchange student who was lucky enough to win such a prestigious award and was quickly ushered out of my seat by my teacher.
Needless to say, Linky stuck through high school, morphed into Slinky and was later shortened to Slink. To this day, a handful of people call me Slink, including my high school friend Julie, my niece and everyone standing around my niece at any given moment because she has never heard of this stranger named Lincee.