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‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: And your last name is…?

Tuesday, September 2, 2014 @ 09:09 AM
Author: Lincee

Bachelor in Paradise

We are one episode away from ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ airing the final stages of two people’s journey to the altar and 10 other’s two week vacation. But it’s not all fringe bikini tops and mysterious caves from here on out. Our Host Chris Harrison breezes into the rose ceremony like a breath of fresh air on Black Friday and warns the couple and “couples” that he is going to shake things up in Paradise. Everyone but Graham seems concerned.

Robert delivers the first date card to Marcus and it’s all anyone can do to not roll his or her eyes when he asks Lacy out. Sarah assumes they will get married and have very tan babies. I would agree with that statement.

Lacy and Marcus walk hand-and-hand down a trail. He looks jungle chic. She’s wearing a tablecloth around her shoulders. They come across an hold wooden ladder that disappears into a deep hole and decide it would be super rad to explore the eerie, mysterious cave.

Lacy is interviewed by the ABC camera man. He tells her three times that the pointy things stretching from the ceiling and floor of the cave are called stalactites and stalagmites. Lacy nods her head in determination and calls them stalaglites. ABC aired the entire exchange because they choose to poke fun at their contestants 80/40 percent of the time.

They spy a ominous pool, throw on a couple of life jackets and ease into about two inches of water. Safety first y’all.

The ABC Intern was on fire this episode. He managed to fashion a tiny raft made of driftwood which floated beside Marcus as the pool got deeper and the cave got darker. Suddenly there are bats EVERYWHERE. This is what Bruce Wayne’s worst nightmares are made of, yet our lovers seemed unfazed.

Lacy: I’m a little nervous about the bats.
Marcus: I’ll protect you.
Lincee: From rabies?

They make it through to the other side and are rewarded with a lovely oasis. The Intern exchanges their life jackets for red beach towels and margaritas, lights a citronella candle to keep the rabid bats away and leads them to the profession of love staging area.

Since they conquered a very scary situation together, Lacy is now ready to tell Marcus that she loves him. The animal kingdom rejoices at this news!

Back on the beach, Cody is doing his morning yoga, stick twists and boulder squats, while Michelle $ complains to Jesse that Cody is moving too fast.

M$: He told me that he loved me last night. I’m like, “What’s your last name again?”
Jesse: Cut the cord.
Lincee: Ah yes. Take advice from the guru of healthy relationships. Good call Money.

In other groundbreaking news, a long b-roll package of different kissing scenes proves that Sarah and Robert are totally getting along and nothing can stop her from falling in love. That is until Brooks walks up. She whines for several minutes, and even cries to Graham and Jackie, because he is the reason she came to Paradise in the first place. Life isn’t fair!

Zack and Robert take Brooks to the swinging bed and give him the rundown. Zack tries to ease him into reality, hinting that most of the girls are taken. Robert prefers the direct approach and warns him that if he asks Sarah on a date, he’ll kill him.

Bachelor in Paradise

Brooks is technically left with Jackie and Christy as date options. He chooses Jackie and Zack immediately becomes a wounded soul. Who cares that he loved Clare yesterday? He was this close to becoming Zackie!

Jackie confuses “Mexican restaurant” with “toga party” but it was too late to change out of her goddess outfit. Michelle $ worked hard on that headdress, and there’s no time for a bang braid. They hit the town.

Let me just say that Brooks’ hair looks a lot better in my opinion, and he gained several points with me and Jackie when he spoke perfect Spanish to the waiter. He’s enamored with Jackie and often loses his train of thought due to this siren’s beauty. He challenges her to a game of fooseball. The locals begin taking bets and it is anticipated that the goddess will win. She does and Brooks graciously kisses her on the cheek.

Meanwhile, Robert is primping in front of the mirror spraying enough AquaNet to make me have 80s flashbacks. Sarah finds a note on her bed from him. He asks her to meet on the beach. Sarah fishes for a “where is this going” conversation. Robert responds by telling her he wants to go out on date and explore the real world. Sarah’s infatuation for Brooks magically disappears.

On the opposite side of the beach, Michelle $ is gathering up the courage to break it off with Cody Code, but he speaks his mind first.

Cody: My heart is going 100 miles per hour.
Lincee: It’s probably the steroids.

He tells her that he knows he’s being too aggressive too soon, but he doesn’t care. He is going to be honest with her, and all he knows is that he likes everything about her that a person can know after 48 hours. She should go at her own pace and he will give her space if she needs it. It’s her decision.

Michelle $ is smitten and believes this conversation has created a strong foundation for their relationship.

Do you know who else thinks she has a strong foundation? Christy. With Jesse. I’ll give you a moment to process that sentence and then shake your head in haughty derision.

Christy thinks that Jesse is charming and has all the qualities that any girl would be lucky to have. Michelle $ scoots her mentee into the bathroom and informs her that Jesse has been announcing his various unions with all the guys. This includes Jackie and unmentionable acts with The Naked Free Spirit.

Now Christy thinks Jesse is a d-bag. She puts on a royal blue denim vest over her bikini to ponder what went wrong. Michelle $ follows her outside to impart more of her wisdom, when suddenly an attractive figure begins making his way down the beach.

Bachelor in Paradise

HELLO TASOS!

Truly? What happened to this guy since Andi’s season? I’m guessing CrossFit. He put on 20 pounds of lean muscle and is tossing all sorts of vibes. He introduces himself, grabs Michelle $ and heads over to the swinging bed.

Robert: If Tasos asks Michelle out, Cody might go Incredible Hulk.
Marcus: I think Cody is Incredible Hulk. We just don’t know for sure. Yet.
Graham: Cody will eat Tasos. His right leg will be like a chicken bone.

It turns out, Michelle $ is paving the way for Tasos to ask Christy out on a date. She thinks his sweet, gentlemanly spirit is exactly what Christy needs. Christy accepts the invitation and chooses not to wear a shirt on her date. They float on pool noodles that look like anacondas while comparing their pending relationship to the lazy current. They want to be slow and gentle, but always moving forward. Tasos wonders if he should kiss Christy? I wonder if Mexico has run out of sunscreen?

Next up? An athletic sequence! Graham is playing football. The girls are laying out. Sarah is playing cornhole with Robert. Brooks and Jackie are playing basketball. Zack broods in the corner.

Things look up for Zack when he gets the date card! All the bros seem genuinely excited for him except Graham. Graham is totally cool that his name wasn’t on the card, but he’s quite positive that AshLee is going to cut someone as a result.

Zack bounces into the shared living room and asks Jackie if she will go with him. She is delighted and rushes out to change clothes. AshLee is livid. She adjusts her twine and flower headband, passive aggressively muttering insults like, “he’s the most deserving” and “let’s be honest, Graham is the best catch here.”

This grates on Michelle $’s nerves and she vows to watch her like a hawk because she doesn’t trust AshLee as far as she can throw her.

Zack and Jackie pretty much go on the exact same date as Marcus and Lacy, except the ABC Intern left the life jackets on the oasis side, so Zackie is forced to swim through the bat-infested cave. They turn a corner and there is a lovely dinner nestled among the stalaglites. I half expected an indie artist to come floating in to sing them a song, but that didn’t happen.

Zack really lays it on thick at dinner. He wants her to know that like the cave, they should explore this relationship. Then he lifts her into the murky knee-deep water. She puts her head on his freshly waxed chest and they slow dance to the rhythm of nocturnal creatures preparing for flight.

Rose Ceremony
Zack gives Jackie a bracelet. Instead of telling her it’s cheap, he says that she must make a wish and when it randomly falls off, her wish will come true. Brooks sweeps in and paints her nails for some reason. And Christy still thinks Jesse is a d-bag.

Although I’m sure he’s been told this thousands of times, Jesse didn’t get the d-bag memo from Christy. He steals her from Tasos, even though he “doesn’t want to start a relationship with a dumb blond.”

Jesse: It comes down to Taco and myself. I’m not ready to leave Paradise.

Jesse feeds Christy a huge helping of double talk. He tells her he’s been casual, yet he wants to make an effort. He wants to open up but take things slow. Christy tells him that she doesn’t want “this” to go any further and then she brings up The Free Spirit.

Jesse flips the switch and announces that he is going home. He bids adieu to the girl wearing a romper in front of him and then makes his rounds to collect email addresses from the rest of the crew.

Michelle $ finds Christy wandering around with her mouth open in shock.

Christy: I’m anxious that I didn’t stand up for myself.
M$: This is not your fault.
Christy: I hate being the victim.
M$: So don’t play the victim. You owe it to yourself. This is not okay.

Do you see why Michelle $ needs to be a permanent fixture on this show?! These 20-somethings need her tutelage!

The Rejection SUV Driver has been radioed to NOT leave with Jesse. Michelle, Christy and Lacy all walk up, ready to drop some knowledge on Don “Jesse” Johnson. Christy calls him a coward for leaving before the rose ceremony. He tells her the relationship wasn’t progressing, so he chose to leave. He stares while Lacy and Michelle $ jump in and give their two cents. Michelle tells Christy she has the last word. Christy shrugs her shoulders and says, “Safe flight.”

Jesse: The party will continue. No one is heartbroken. When I get home I’ll have 16 emails, names and numbers and invitations to parties and festivals. Here’s to leaving Paradise.

I wonder how many festivals Jesse attends each year?

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus. I was distracted by her dress, blue eye shadow and big hair. Why does it look so familiar?

1990 Dress

AshLee gave her rose to Graham. I’m anticipating a major meltdown next week. Sarah roses Robert, Money roses Cody Code, Christy roses Tasos and Jackie makes Zackie official. Brooks hugs everyone goodbye and Harrison drops the bomb about how life is about to change in Paradise.

What do you think it is? Will the couples have to switch? What is the dramatic ending that we won’t see coming? I bet someone has rabies. I KNEW IT.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

‘Guardians of the Galaxy’

Monday, September 1, 2014 @ 01:09 PM
Author: Lincee

Guardians of the Galaxy

Are you looking for something to do this Labor Day? Here’s my recommendation. Head on over to your local multiplex to watch ‘Guardians of the Galaxy.’ Yes, it’s made a bajillion dollars since it debuted in August, but I feel that a few of you probably haven’t bowed to peer pressure to see it on the big screen and you’re waiting for the Red Box edition. DON’T DO THAT! I mean, don’t only do that. Of course rent it when it comes out around Christmastime. You’d be silly not to.

I’m off track. Here are three reasons that should convince you to leave now to catch the next showing.

1. Tale as Old as Time
Everyone who reads IHGB on a regular basis probably knows by now that I have a weird affection for superheroes, including but not limited to Marvel characters, DC characters, Captain Kirk and Han Solo. What you may not know is that I will always root for the underdog. I find great joy in cheering on a bunch of Marvel misfits who band together for the greater good. Especially if a raunchy raccoon pulls focus with his crass humor.

2. Hooked on a Feeling
Our main character, Star-Lord, literally has a cassette tape labeled “Awesome Mix Volume 1″ which tells us two things. One, Star Lord is totally cool because he makes mixed tapes like me. And two, the name hints that there is a second volume! Hello sequel! The soundtrack features an eclectic mix of old favorites and tracks that can’t help but encourage the audience to sing along in the theater. Of course that could have been just me, but how can you not accompany Blue Swede when they sing “Hooked on a Feeling?” The answer? YOU CAN’T.

3. Chris Pratt
You’ve known him as bumbling Andy on ‘Parks & Recreation,’ but he has proven himself through many minor roles that he is ready to take on a lead role in an action-packed superhero movie. He’s surrounded by phenomenal supporting characters, two of which are CGI, and he still comes across as strong, funny and determined. Plus, he has the physique of a superhero, but without the spandex.

Chris Pratt

If that’s not enough for you to get in your car and go to the theater right now, check out the trailer. I dare you not to be at least intrigued!

‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: The return of What’s Her Nuts

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 @ 09:08 AM
Author: Lincee

Bachelor Chris

Worst kept secret ever, am I right? I know some of you are nervous that Farmer Chris won’t be entertaining enough to hold our attention for eight weeks. To those of you who think that, I give you this:

Bachelor Chris

We’re all in this together. On with the recap!

I’ve decided that two episodes of Bachelor In Paradise is uncalled for. Although I thought the Tuesday night debacle was definitely more dramatic than Monday, I often found myself watching my TV like this:

To repeat a comment I posted on Facebook, all these people need warm hugs.

Then I look down and am shocked to see I took 12 PAGES OF NOTES. How did that happen? Sure a good three pages include some variation of the phrase “bless her heart,” but I’ve been doing this a long time and I’ve never written so much.

Sadly, time does not permit me to write an epic recap that covers every tiny, sad, laughable, dirty detail. Therefore, I will zip through the events, only hitting the memorable moments. Enjoy!

Tuesday night begins where Monday night left off: Graham doubled over in (according to Michelle Money) anxiety over accepting AshLee’s rose which is making him physically ill. He’s sweaty, clammy and a concerning shade of green.

Medic: Put your head between your legs.
Lincee: Take your shirt off.

AshLee stands at the rose pedestal, poised with her boutonniere, ready to reclaim her stolen moment, while Michelle Money runs to play Florence Nightingale. She shuffles around in her dress, fetching Graham water, insisting that he sit down and consoling her friend.

Graham: If you care about someone, you should have been right there with me.
Lincee: Indeed. Take your shirt off, man.

In all honesty, I agree. AshLee never once thought about checking on her man and she didn’t even ask if he was okay when he accepted her rose. Michelle Money and I were not happy.

Suddenly Lacy begins to sway back and forth. She hops off the rose receiving stair step and begins running through the tree house to the nearest bathroom, announcing to everyone in her way that she has to throw up. For some reason, the camera follows her. It was like The Blair Witch Project, but with puke. We find her clutching a toilet. Someone has unzipped her dress and we see the price tag flopping around. It looks like Lucy’s going to be wearing that sequin gown everywhere but the grocery store.

Her knight in shining cargo pants appears, insisting she go to the hospital. According to Marcus, seeing Lacy that ill terrified him. He told her not to open her mouth in the shower!

Marcus: I was scared the worst would happen.
Lincee: Diarrhea?

Finally we learn the real reason behind the footage of the ambulance we’ve seen on all the promos. No, Clare did not scratch AshLee’s eyes out. Lacy is admitted with severe abdominal inflammation and the only thing that makes her feel better is Marcus literally crawling into the hospital bed with her. It was actually very sweet.

Back at the ceremony, Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah to Robert and Jackie disappoints me by handing hers to Jesse the Jack Wagon. Kalon shouts a quick, “Peace out!” and heads to the resort for some room service. Marquel sighs in the rejection limo, wondering if he will ever find love.

The next day, Blond Christy from Juan Pablo’s season shows up and Zack can barely contain his excitement. Of course he’s been with Clare now for seven days, so he knows how to channel that into words of affirmation for his other half.

Christy picks Zack for her date. Zack tells her he is “figuring things out” with Clare. He later tells Clare that he turned the date down. Clare translated this as, “I want to propose in a day, get married in two and have babies in three.”

Sarah introduces Christy to Jesse. She invites him on the date. They follow the cartoon map to a tiny town. Instead of exploring, they find a cantina and belly up.

Christy: We roamed around, ate chocolate and then finally found all of the tequila. And the other booze that’s known here.

Jim Halpert

Christy knows that Jesse just went out on a date with Jackie. She tests the waters, asking if he feels…

Jesse: Guilt? No. I’m not weirded out by it. So what’s your status?
Christy: Typical d-bags that cheat.

Jesse: How did you find out?
Christy: Bra in his bed.

Jesse: Ha! [pretending to be the d-bag] “That’s not mine!”
Christy: Sounds like you have experience. Have you done that before?
Jesse: No. I just thought about what a d-bag would say. Let’s make out.

Olaf

Sarah gets the next date card and invites Robert. He hugs her like a favorite cousin. She all but yanks down a literal green light from a four-way-stop, giving him all the signs that she is ready for his tongue to be in her mouth. He hems and haws. She straddles him in the pool and sticks her face directly in his. What would Gale do? It must have been the glow of the repurposed lanterns strewn about. Robert saw Sarah in a different light. Or he’s a typical horn dog. Could be both. They make out.

Back at the tree house, Cody is bench pressing Michelle, giving her a pedicure and generally acting a fool. He’s all in and wants Michelle to know. He’s talking about falling in love and she’s talking about how his quads are the size of tree trunks. I’m not sure who is putting eggs in baskets, but I definitely know they are not on the same page.

Zack and Clare are out by the bonfire on the beach. The conversation started with a simple, “I hope Christy doesn’t feel weird knowing you and I are coupled up.” Zack tells her that Christy is fine.

Zack: I’m physically attracted to you. It’s like UH you know what I mean?
I’m trying to be honest with you. Trying to figure out if a relationship for us is the right thing to do. I definitely want a relationship, but are we a fit for each other? I think you have qualities I look for in a girl, but it got very intense quickly and I wasn’t prepared.

Clare: Either you’re in or you’re out. Decide.
Lincee: Yeah. It’s been SEVEN DAYS dude.

Zack stares back. Clare leaves to cry in the bathroom. Michelle Money to the rescue! Oh wait. Just kidding. Clare is traipsing through the jungle! There’s her raccoon friend!

Clare melts down saying that she can’t handle the stress. She’s having a panic attack because she’s on national television looking like an idiot. AGAIN.

Clare: I’m leaving. This isn’t paradise. It’s torture.

Clare wakes Zack up from a dead sleep, forcing him to have a serious talk in the middle of the night. She thinks it’s best that she goes home. Zack pats her on the back and says nothing. I’m quite confident she expected a heartfelt, “Don’t go!” but he just carried her bags to the confession room.

Clare cries a few invisible tears, blows her knows and sits down to give her last thoughts on all things BIP.

Screen shot 2014-08-27 at 9.11.56 AM

Nice.

Graham hugs it out. Michelle tries to fix Clare’s disheveled hair. Zack carries Clare’s bags to the rejection coche and that is that. So long Clare Bear. We will miss your signature brand of crazy.

The producers were on this though. What do you do when one crazy chooses to leave the island? You send in the Free Spirit. The Free Spirit who is totally naked within 10 minutes of arriving. She and her boobs invite Jesse out on a date.

This sends Christy into a tailspin. Free Spirit is like her best friend on the island. Why would she pick the one guy she wants to make out with to go on a date with her?

Oh look! More ruins!

Jesse: I’ve been on three dates with three awesome chicks. I can’t wait for this one to take her top off again.

Winning.

Free Spirit lays it on thick with shots of booze from around here, conversations of nakedness and hand holding with interlocking fingers. There was a glimmer of hope when she spoke Spanish to the bartender. Take that skill and run with it girl! Live up to your potential!

Michelle gets the next date card and asks Cody to join her. Naturally, since Michelle thinks this is going to fast, her date consists of a photo shoot — both engagement and wedding pictures. It was the oddest thing I’ve ever witnessed, and that includes Michelle walking on the beach in fringe boots. Michelle legitimately felt weird the entire time Cody kissed her neck and talked about these pictures one day hanging in their family living room. We can only assume that Michelle ended up in the ocean wearing her fake wedding gown because she was trying to escape the moment and the rather large tangerine-colored fake fiancée.

The date cards were flowing last night. AshLee gets one and Graham is excited to learn that they are going to race cars around a track. He endeared himself to me when he called AshLee Ricky Bobby. She had no clue what he was talking about. Another mark in the negative column I’m afraid.

Christy is feeling awkward that she has to sit around the tree house with all the couples.

Christy: It’s unbelievably awkward. Everyone is paired up. There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it. That makes me so mad.

Olaf

Meanwhile, Marcus finally tells Lucy he loves her. It’s about time!

Free Spirit and Jesse return from their date. They gather up a bunch of booze from around here and take it down to the beach. Christy is miserable and the couple wish the drunks would shut up already.

Jesse: I like Christy and What’s Her Nuts. But it is awkward. The girl I just went out on the date yesterday and the day before are right there.
Lincee: I will give you a million bucks if you tell me the name of the redhead.

Christy is humiliated and retreats to her bed to cry. CAN SOMEONE GET MICHELLE PLEASE? She summons the courage to face Jesse directly and somehow ends up making out with him on a couch while Free Spirit spies from above. They end up in bed together. We know this thanks to a night camera hidden in the bedroom.

Stay classy Bachelor in Paradise!

Our Host Chris Harrison shows up looking a wee bit bombed. He reminds everyone that one girl already left heartbroken this week. Suck it Zack. He tells them that their hearts are on the line and they should proceed with caution. And booze from this place. Cheers!

Zack and Jackie form an alliance.

Free Spirit decides that if she and Christy like the same dude, she and Christy shouldn’t be friends anymore. Girl power! She tries to sabotage Christy and Jesse’s relationship. Christy fights her way back and tells Jesse that she is here for him and only him. He is soooo into her. And What’s Her Nuts. Darn! Decisions, decisions. What’s a D-Bag to do?

It’s rose ceremony time. The true couples are totally phoning it in when it comes to wardrobe. Lacy only put on one layer of makeup. She looked fabulous. Graham tried to fancy his outfit up with a bow tie. Marcus and Robert could have come straight from working out. But the rest were nipped, tucked, plucked and ready to go.

Robert gives Sarah his rose. She gives him a peck.
AshLee gives Graham her rose. He hugs her.
Cody gives Michelle his rose. She forces a smile.
Zack gives Jackie his rose. She high fives him.

Marcus gives Lacy his rose. He gives a speech about true love and they kiss for way too long. Harrison gives a nod of approval. The girls and Cody start crying. The boys and What’s Her Nuts roll their eyes.

And Jesse gives his rose to Christy. What’s Her Nuts is going to have to go topless on some other beach. Adios amiga!

During the closing credits, Michelle Money and Cody play that game where you throw tiny bean bags in a hole. The first to 21 has to kiss Marcus’ nipple. I wonder if Michelle got a hair in her mouth?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I’d watch Michelle Money commentate all day long. Harrison needs a sidekick and it needs to be her. Am I right?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Freeze frame

Tuesday, August 26, 2014 @ 08:08 AM
Author: Lincee

Bachelor Paradise

I have thoughts.

  1. There is an intense lack of Our Host Chris Harrison in this ridiculous show.
  2. How does it end? When the booze runs out? When there aren’t any more previous mansion dwellers from which to choose? Will Harrison roll up in a perfectly fitted linen suit, clink a champagne glass and shout, “THE TIME SHARE IS UP! GET OUT!”
  3. Is there a winner? Obviously they aren’t playing for money, so why does Jesse Kovacs keep talking about this being a competition? Will Uncle Neil come out to the island and let Marcus pick out a ring for Lacy? Will there be a Home Depot proposal area just in case someone feels like popping the question before they head home?
  4. Michelle Money needs to be on every Bachelor franchise show. She is comedy gold and deserves major kudos for her one-liners. Can you imagine sitting through 120 minutes without her commentary? We’d all be stuck watching Clare hold her basket so Zack could put eggs in it and AshLee complaining about hidden cameras. No thank you.
  5. Speaking of Clare’s basket, how many of Zack’s eggs will that thing hold?
  6. The man necklaces have reached a new level of special.
  7. Do they really need all those lanterns to walk from one treehouse to the other?
  8. Is it necessary to begin every conversation with, “Can I be completely honest?” Does that mean everything else you say is a lie? Or a half truth since you are just now being completely honest?
  9. I missed the Emmy’s for this?
  10. THERE’S ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW?!

Take a moment to digest that last sentence.

I Like You — Ben Rector
Lacy and Marcus are in ooey gooey love, but they haven’t told each other yet, because, you know, it’s been like six days. The smart thing to do is give the relationship at least a season of a week before you say the “L” word. Marcus accidentally lets it slip, saying that he loves likes this very long list of attributes and Lacy is ecstatic. He tells her he is smitten and she almost asks him what that means, but decides to stick her tongue down his throat instead. Everything comes natural to these two kids. I wish them well. And I wish Lacy would take one or two layers of makeup off.

Sailing — Christopher Cross
Robert receives a one-on-one date card and asks Sarah to go sailing with him. I can’t tell if he really likes her or if he’s just playing the game to stay on the island. She is definitely digging his chili. And I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. They did have an “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!” moment right before Sarah claimed she was in “Saradise.” Someone help me.

Me, Myself and I — Beyonce
Kalon arrives on the island wearing jeans and tennis shoes. Mistake number one. He is greeted with looks of disgust. Michelle calls him a jackhole. (It was bleeped, but I’m pretty sure that’s what she said.) Just as Michelle leans over to remind Marquel that Kalon was the one who called Emily’s daughter baggage, he plops himself down by Michelle and asks her out on a date. Michelle accepts through gritted teeth, fully aware that she just agreed to go out with said jackhole, but changes her mind the next day. She tells him that she has a daughter and was very offended by what he did to Emily. She doesn’t want to spend the whole day with someone she doesn’t respect.

This does not effect the luxury consultant in the slightest. He wanders down to the deck where Jackie and Sarah are laying out. He asks Jackie to join him on his date, to which Jackie responds, “I don’t think a date would be beneficial. Thanks though.”

I cheer. Kalon leaves. Jackie tells Sarah that she will be right back and Sarah begs her not to leave because Kalon will just turn around and ask her out. I cheer again. Jackie leaves Sarah anyway and sure enough, Kalon meanders back down and asks Sarah if she wants to go spelunking. Sarah tells him that she likes Robert and he is dismissed.

So Kalon once again makes Bachelor history and goes on the franchise’s first one-on-none date. That’s right, he dates himself. After three seasons, he’s finally going out with someone he likes. He toasted himself, had a wonderful conversation with himself and he got lucky with himself. It was as painful to watch as it is to type. It was the dumbest thing ever and I fast forwarded through most of it. But since I’m a loyal recapper, I will leave you with this animated GIF. Be warned: YOU CAN NOT UN-SEE THIS! Proceed with caution.

The Cave – Mumford & Sons
Jesse Kovacs saunters onto the island as if he owns the joint. He peels out of his navy linen shirt, flashes the date card and chooses Jackie to join him on a date. She accepts and Marquel pulls up his hoodie to cover his head in defiance.

Jackie wears the tightest red dress, which surprises Jesse for some reason. I’m not sure why because he is a regular on this show. Just look at his Ames pants for crying out loud! This ain’t his first rodeo. He takes her into this somber cave full of bats. Nothing says romance like stalactites and stilettos! Jesse tells the camera that if he wants something, he goes after it. Unfortunately, he means a free vacation in Mexico instead of the knockout redhead across the table.

He schmoozes her with compliments using buzz words like “vibe” and “in the moment.” Jackie stares back with a blank face. Jesse finds her reserve annoying.

Lacy: Are you strategizing to get a rose?
Lincee: BAM!
Jesse: I was going to hand the card off so I could get to know the others better, but then I thought I should take this super attractive girl out! I’m not good at faking things.

Cue swelling music.

Cue my friend Emily: Surely there’s not a private concert in the cave.

Cue me: No. That’s just backgrou…OH MY GOODNESS THERE IS A PRIVATE CONCERT IN THE CAVE!

There was a stage and everything! (Andrew Ripp is actually pretty good. You should check him out.)

Jesse and Jackie dance in circles. I was afraid we were going to see another private show — the bottom curves of Jackie’s butt cheeks. But that didn’t happen. And they weren’t attacked by bats either. We are all winners!

Jesse admits to the camera that he’s using Jackie to get a rose. My hope is that Jackie sees it from a mile away.

You’re the One That I Want — Grease
When Cody is dropped on the island, he runs into the open arms of Marcus and then literally picks Marquel up out of sheer joy. He meets everyone in the circle, pulls out the date card and asks Clare if she would like to join him. She pulls him aside to let him know that she checked “yes” when Zack passed her a note the day he arrived. Cody scoffs. It’s been six days! She needs to give him a chance!

This tickles Clare, so she runs over to Zack to brag. He gives her an out. If she wants to go, she should go.

Clare: If the situation were reversed, what would you do?
Zack: Depends on the girl. And the scenario.

Clare gives him a look like this:

She becomes ice cold and there’s a lot of talk about hesitation, being on the same page and putting all the eggs in one basket. She wants a man who knows what he wants! She wants a man who is there for her and nobody else! Cody’s declaration isn’t looking so bad now!

As it turns out, Clare still picks Zack, even after Cody tells her she’s way better looking in real life than on TV. Somebody call Hallmark! That has greeting card written all over it.

Cody ends up giving his date to Marcus and Lacy. Out of love and respect, bro. Peace out.

Hard To Say I’m Sorry — Chicago
Zack pulls Clare away to have a private discussion with her and the cameras on a Mexican blanket. He tells her that his eggs are totally in her basket and they are on the same page. He wants to give this a shot. Clare makes him beg a few minutes more before making out and forgiving him for being concerned that she is a bit on the controlling side. And by bit I mean she would not only wear the pants in that family, but the entire three-piece suit.

I’ll Be Seeing You — Billie Holiday
AshLee puts on her white Pocahontas bikini, sits in a hammock with Zack and proceeds to tell him that he’s pretty much an idiot for aligning himself with Clare. She tells him that Clare is crazy, not to mention the fact that she did some naughty things with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Then she casually questions why no cameras are currently filming them. Have they not seen her fringe swimwear and long eyelashes this morning?

Zack calmly points out a hidden camera posing as a lamp to the left and Pocahontas turns as white as her bikini. She begins to do major damage control and everyone can tell that she is back pedaling.

Zack: She’s freaking out about the hidden camera.
Michelle: You can’t hide from the cameras.
Lacy: AshLee has a guilty conshush.
Lincee: I’m 80/40 that’s an actual word.

AshLee tells Lacy a modified version of what she told Zack. Lacy of course tells Clare and Clare lets her freak flag fly! Everyone begins to whisper and I silently thank ABC for subtitles. Or I rolled my eyes. I’ll never tell. But I bet you can guess. All you need to know is that Clare steals knives from the butcher block and Graham teaches young Robert that when women get “that look” in their eyes, it’s best to stay away.

The more you know.

Clare lets off a little steam to Zack, who blows it right back in her face. He does not want the drama and didn’t come to the island to watch girls fight. Clare is outraged!

Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent
If looks could kill, AshLee would be six feet under. The claws are coming out and Clare is mentally daring AshLee to cross her. AshLee summons the courage to ask Clare to take a walk. Instead of a beach, picture this exchange in a junior high hallway:

Ash: I can tell something is wrong, and I’m not sure what I did.
Clare: You’re not? Really?

Ash: If I hurt your feelings, I want to make it right. You’re my friend.
Clare: You are not my friend. You threw me under the bus.

When AshLee asked to hug it out, Clare passed. This hurt AshLee’s feelings more than the comment about her character. Run Graham. RUN.

Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran
Michelle Money complained about no one liking her the entire episode. It wasn’t until Cody gave her a neck/back/arm/hand massage that she starting thinking differently. She even sat through Cody’s speech before the rose ceremony, listening to him tell her that he no longer liked Clare. He wants to give it a go with her! Since they both need someone to give their roses to, they playfully flirt back and forth and wait patiently until the next castaways arrive.

Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
Michelle Money’s temporary happiness is put on pause when she notices Graham looking super uncomfortable. She is not buying what AshLee is selling and clearly Graham is feeling the weight of this reality as well. Michelle does not want him to accept AshLee’s rose. She mentions the big rift between Clare and AshLee and Graham has no clue what she’s talking about. (Remember how he avoided that business like the plague?) Money fills him in. He responds, “Can I get a Vodka soda please?”

We are unsure if Graham is using the alcohol as liquid courage or a catalyst to forget the night, but the fact that AshLee is one person in front of the cameras and another person when they are somewhere else obviously concerns Graham. He is unclear of AshLee’s intentions. I personally think this is a perfect opportunity for him to cut the cord. She will be devastated and Graham will feel bad, but it will be for the greater good.

Harrison waltzes in, clinks his glass and points to the roses on the table. He barely even gets lines on the show anymore. Doesn’t ABC know why we watch this trashy show? MORE HARRISON!

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus. That was a no brainer. Zack put his egg in Clare’s basket. Equally predicted. AshLee is called to the podium. She sweeps her long hair to the side, picks up her boutonniere and asks Graham to accept her rose.

He stands there. And stands there. Wipes the sweat from his brow and stands there some more. Then he leaves the rose ceremony taping area, walking through about 10 behind-the-scene people. Is he going to throw up? Is he about to pass out? Is he trying to disapparate using a stick he found on the beach? Why is Michelle Money racing after him instead of his six-day-old girlfriend?

Then the words TO BE CONTINUED flash across the screen and we check our DVRs to make sure they are set to record tomorrow. Another two hours! Yay!

Enjoy this week’s playlist! The Ed Sheeran song is one of my favs!