iHateGreenBeans | Blog of Lincee Ray

The dreams of eleven boys who are pretty
Came true in Atlantic City!

That’s right, readers. Our favorite reality show traveled to the birthplace of the Miss America pageant. Instead of forcing the guys to get shirtless at a random pool party back in Los Angeles, ABC decided to showcase the remarkable physiques of our contestants in a more dignified manner. The dudes were oiled up, given a pair of tiny Speedos and strongly encouraged to find a talent. Although there was only one crowned, they were all winners in some form or fashion.

Well, almost all of them.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

A familiar aroma of driftwood, bourbon and First Class priority seating fills the sunken living room as the boys adjust their posture for the arrival of Our Host Chris Harrison. Wearing an extremely bright plaid shirt, he casually preps them with details of the upcoming days. In a nutshell: 13 are left, one group date, two one-on-one dates, no rose = going home.

Harrison mentions that Des is currently in Atlantic City, meandering down the boardwalk in a darling navy coat waving and smiling at the local law enforcement. (Was it just me or did her coat tie around the neck? Anyone?)

A quicky flight across the states, and the boys whoop and holler as they explore their new digs. One observant suitor notes that Atlantic City is just like Las Vegas, except it’s on the ocean.

First One-On-One Date
Brad
“Let Our Love Shine Through”

Chiseled Brad shows a bit of emotion when his name is read from the date card. He excuses himself to primp in private as the other dudes discuss the unlikelihood of his return. Shirtless Zak doesn’t see a connection and Mikey T. thinks he’s a “good kid but too reserved.”

I was convinced Brad was just flying below the radar, confident that the resident gossipers, teeth whiteners and hashtagers would sabotage themselves in due time before he swept Des off her feet. Things were looking good on the boardwalk too! They screamed bleeped out explicatives in the human catapult, sampled salt water taffy, stole chocolate covered pretzels from a conveyor belt, therefore compromising the sanitation of the entire batch but whatever, bobbed up and down on a carrousel and were creepily stalked from 50 floors up by Shirtless Zak. What more could a girl want in a super fun Atlantic City date!?

I’ll tell you what – and entire living room, complete with coffee table, made out of sand! The pair settles in on the shore for some pre-dinner cocktails. They talk about his son and how there must be a connection not only as a potential wife, but a potential mom.

Des: “Brad is great. I just need to dig in a little more and see if he’s the type I can see myself marrying.”

Annnnnnnnnnnnd thus begins the demise of Brad.

The dinner conversation was a boring mixture of stale questions followed by succinct, yet enthusiastic answers.

Brad: “So the slingshot thing, huh?”
Des: “Yes!”
Brad: “I mean, I was like, whoa!”
Des: “Me too!”

[Brad tries to win Des over with his rugged good looks. Des forces herself to not make eye contact with the gorgeous man across the table and pretends that her beef tenderloin and glass of chardonnay are the most interesting things she’s ever seen.]

Brad: “You’re amazing.”
Des: “So are these mashed potatoes! But who cares about dinner. Wanna go up to the top of the lighthouse?”

Brad and Des leave their half-eaten dinner to climb the long and winding staircase. Between huffs and puffs, the duo choked out an interjection or two, so the other wouldn’t think they were completely out of shape. Des’ “cool!” was met by a passionate “pretty” from Brad, which was later countered by the ever popular “awesome” around the halfway mark. After that, they didn’t talk anymore due to lack of oxygen to their brains.

They finally arrive to the top and begin (silently) to admire the view. After a generous 30 seconds, Des lowers the hammer.

Des [still puffing]: “Brad. Great! Not for me. Don’t see it.”
Brad [still huffing]: “Shocked. Why? Confused.”

Des [checking pulse]: “Chemistry. Not there. So sorry.”
Brad [saving energy for the trip down]: “Luck.”

Back at the penthouse, a mysterious man collects Brad’s suitcase. Shirtless Zak’s eyes widen to reveal whites that could rival his own teeth. Mikey T. high fives the Federal Prosecutor. And then there were 12.

Des: “Saying goodbye was tough. And it’s not just because I couldn’t feel my legs. I just didn’t see forever with Brad. Can someone carry me down? I’m feeling a bit light headed.” #ABCinternrocks

GROUP DATE
I’m looking for My Mr. Right
Brooks
Bryden
Shirtless Zak
#Kasey
Drew
Juan Pablo
Other Zack
Mickey T.
Villain Ben
Federal Prosecutor
Chris

The boys are all corralled into some sort of ballroom in preparation for yet another visit from Our Host. And he’s not alone. As the resident master of ceremonies for the Miss America pageant, it’s no surprise that Harrison has the reigning queen at his disposal.

OHCH: “The 11 of you will be competing in a pageant. Mr. America. And this guy will be your coach.”

Enter Christopher Dean. Let the record reflect that I would watch an entire show based around him alone. Someone get on that ABC.

Christopher Dean encourages the contestants to explore the nearby table to see what will work with their individual talent pool. Juan Pablo immediately picked up a baton and started twirling. I found this utterly adorable and have written a strongly worded letter that he needs his own show as well. The ABC fall lineup is practically writing itself people!

Shirtless Zak claims that he doesn’t know how to play the guitar very well, yet he admits that he wrote a song about Des and will be performing it center stage. They say…

NO! I WILL NOT GO THERE. I WON’T EVEN MENTION THE NAME OF THE SONG THAT MADE HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED FAMOUS AS A ONE HIT WONDER SENSATION IN CHIJUAJUA, MEXICO. #availableoniTunes

While #Kasey stomped around in tap shoes and Drew worked hard to memorize the balcony scene from “Romeo and Juliet,” Miss America conducted mock interviews with some of our contestants. We learned that ironically, the Federal Prosecutor does not think quickly on his feet, Chris looks great in heels and Mikey T. wants to be taken seriously. Love his mind. Pay no attention to his rippling muscles and tribal tats.

Christopher Dean sashays in with a load of swimsuits and begins passing out trunks according to the neatly labeled names marked on each one. Juan Pablo was given a tiny pair of Speedos and he LOVES IT! Shirtless Zak is shocked that he’s been given a budgie smuggler and I’m forced to remind the television set that he was indeed IN HIS UNDERWEAR on DAY ONE. Of course the ABC Intern would assume you would embrace the banana hammock, dude.

Our Host Chris Harrison takes the stage as the effervescent emcee and warms up the audience while the scholarship contestants oil each other up backstage. Des is poised and ready at the judges table. She is joined by Miss America and the Mayor of Atlantic City – a charming man who looks like he is practicing the Vulcan state of kolinahr to get him through the next painful hours. #thingsilearnedfromSheldonCooper

The interview portion of the pageant is first. #Kasey talks about being a giver in a relationship. Speedo Zak convinces us that he’s the fire in a relationship because someone needs to fuel the romance. #barf If Brooks were an animal he would be a lion. I found this odd because earlier he called Des a unicorn and one would think that he would want to be the same mythical creature as the one he’s pursuing, but what do I know?

Next up…the talent competition.

#Kasey told an enchanting story of how, when he was little, he cut and stapled some metal on the bottom of his sneakers and then shuffled outside to tap on the concrete in the back yard. Even though my analytical side was having trouble figuring out A: how young #Kasey was physically able to staple metal and B: how sad it must have been to have a “yard” made of concrete, the audience rejoiced in his sporadically thrown together tap dance.

Mikey T. channeled his inner Michael Jackson, complete with hip thrusting, crotch grabbing and signature hat. Then he channeled his inner Demi Moore and began an intricate strip tease dance. He finished off the classy number by doing some upside down pushups against the wall. #lovemeformymindnotmybody

Brooks owned the fact that he can’t make his pecs dance like Mikey T. What he does have is a wee ukulele and quick wit. A sense of humor will get you far, folks. Especially when you smash your wee uke with the force of a thousand lead singers of an 80s hair band.

Villain Ben spun a few Get-In-Shape girl ribbons around. Chris wore high heeled shoes and twirled hula hoops on his arms. #awkwardinagoodway Bryden reverse dry humped the stage. #awkwardinabadway

And then there was Drew. He’s always reminded me of a character from a 50s television show. I feel like he should be following the Beaver around or getting advice from a father who knows best. There’s a wholesomeness about him that was further proven when he chose to recite Shakespeare as his talent. You can imagine my surprise when Drew then took the stage in his swimsuit to reveal an impressive set of abs. I may have paused the DVR and thanked the good Lord for whoever invented Technicolor.

Our Host is pulled away from the single malt whiskey and hand rolled cigars in his private dressing room to reveal the winners. Brooks laughed his way to second runner-up. Speedo Zak twanged his way to first-runner up. And it was #Kasey who was named king!

Of course, being announced King Bachelor got him a felt crown and kicky sash, but nothing as far as Des was concerned. Not even free time in the non-bubbling hot tub.

At the after party, Chris takes time to show Des that he’s more than a nice set of legs in a strappy pair of heels. He’s a poet. Get out of town, because SO IS SHE. Give them a pen and a paper napkin in a coffee shop and just watch the creativity fly!

Villain Ben ruffles some feathers by taking his alone time mere feet away from the other men. Des is totally drinking his Kool-Aid.

Speedo Zak uses his alone time to secure a spare six string and serenade Des with three more verses of his original hit. He somehow secures the date rose and then he excuses himself for a teeth whitening treatment.

My absolute favorite part about the after pool party was the segment they showed of James all alone in the penthouse. He had no problem slipping into a bubble bath, puttering around in a terrycloth robe or stretching out in the big bed that he had all to himself! Which brings us to…

Second One-On-One Date
James
“Can Our Love Weather the Storm”

Raise your hand if you love that #Kasey was wearing his crown and sash when Des came to pick James up?

In lieu of an extravagant over-the-top date, ABC asked the American Red Cross to fly James and Des over the devastated properties hit hardest by Hurricane/Super Storm Sandy. I like how ABC is introducing this feature into the date lineup, but nothing could have prepared me for Manny and Jan.

Manny and Jan are an adorable couple who have been married for almost 40 years and essentially lost everything in the storm. They credit the Red Cross of America for helping them through a very tough time. After hearing their story, Des and James agree to let them have their fun night in Atlantic City. Although Jan looked a bit perplexed when Des explained her situation as “I’m here in Atlantic City going on a bunch of dates,” she and Manny were excited to hop in the car and see what adventure was in store for them. It was their first time in a limo.

“FOLLOW MANNY!” I screamed at the television set. Instead, we followed Des and James eating pizza, drinking beer and listening to James tell about how he cheated on his childhood girlfriend when he was a freshman in high school.

As I was screaming “WHERE’S MANNY!” again, the scene changed. The cutest New Jersey couple ever was having a private dinner and feeding each other pasta. A random dude walks up with a package and I was THIS CLOSE from being overwhelmed that Harrison had slipped them a fantasy suite card. Instead, it was a gift from the American Red Cross. It was their wedding album, fully restored from the storm. Jan had plucked it from the devastation when they left to go to the shelter. Apparently their love and affection for one another inspired so many people that they wanted to help restore their memories.

GIVE MANNY AND JAN A SHOW ABC! I WILL WATCH THEM ALL DAY LONG. AND CAN SOMEONE GET ME A KLEENEX? I’M A BLUBBERING MESS!

As if that isn’t enough, they are escorted into a ballroom where none other than Darius Rucker is there to sing a private concert for our love birds. HOOTIE! MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT! I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU HOOTIE! HOLD MY HAND! Manny begins speaking Italian and Jan gets all hot and bothered. Des and James crash the party and I quite literally will James to dance with Jan AND HE DOES IT! The fact that she was barefoot makes her all the more freaking adorable.

Naturally, this entire date makes me see James in a new light, yet I’m bothered by the accusations from next week that he is a total tool bag who is on the show so he can be the next Bachelor. Do we believe this? Thoughts? SAY IT AIN’T SO! WHY AM I CAPS LOCKING SO MUCH IN THIS DATE?

ROSE CEREMONY
On the opposite end of that spectrum, my other favorite Bryden has decided that his feelings are not where they should be. He didn’t get any alone time with Des on the group date (and Whose fault is that Soldier Boy?) and he’s not sure he would accept the rose should she offer it to him.

I’m going to chalk this one up to Bryden being too cool to ever watch this show, therefore he has no idea how the politics work. Remember, she’s practically told him twice now to make a move and kiss him. I’m sure that 10 other sharks circling the prey is a bit intimidating. And reverse dry humping stages will not get you any closer to the prize. #headinthegameBry

The Federal Prosecutor also feels that now is the time to make his move. He spells out her name and ticks off adjectives that describe her. D is for down-to-earth. E is for easy to talk to. S is for a smile that lights up a room. And that’s where he ends because coming up with two more E’s to finish out her name is impossible. It’s not like she’s energetic or enthusiastic or enchanting. He diffuses this laziness by sticking his tongue down her throat.

Meanwhile, Chris shares that he’s excited where they are going. This somehow transitions into family talk and Des valiantly declaring that she is an independent woman, complete with Kelly Clarkson ring tone. Chris finds this super attractive and comments on how comfortable they are, to which Des replies, “We’re BFFs!”

Chris is shocked that he has maneuvered himself in the friend zone. Could it have been the heels? Unsure, he takes her face and sucks it. Friends don’t make out. Sure some have kids together (I’m looking at you Villain Ben) but most of the time, they aren’t familiar with the intricacies of each other’s tongues.

Harrison arrives looking regal in purple. He smells like Prince Harry and a polo match. He clinks his champagne glass and hands the boutonnieres over to Des. Roses go to:

Speedo Zak
James
High Heel Chris
Brooks
Juan Pablo
Drew McAbs
Federal Prosecutor
Villain Ben
#Kasey
Bryden
Mikey T

Other Zack handles his rejection well at first, and then he cries. He must be over tired.

Next week, the cast flies to Germany. My kingdom for Brooks in some lederhosen! Is Ben still the villain? Do you think James is there for the right reasons? Will Bryden crack under the pressure and go home next week? Sound off in the comments.

SIDE NOTE: For those of you who are interested, IHGB reader Leslie was kind enough to research the girly tank tops as seen on Villain Ben and Villain Ryan. Check out the women’s section of your local JC Penney and you too could sport this darling top!

I’m all about the fame, not the shame,
Lincee

The recap will be up as soon as I find an extra hula hoop. I plan on twirling two around my wrists today as I model walk in super high heels up and down the hallway just outside of my office. I want people to know how talented I really am.

While you’re waiting, feel free to read my Huffington Post mini-recap by clicking HERE! And check back later this afternoon for the full recap.

It’s week three in Bachelor Nation, people. That means the emotional walls are starting to come down as the testosterone levels begin to rise. This episode features a solo date and not one, but TWO group dates that will inspire even the mellowest of men to channel the competitive spirit he either keeps conveniently tucked away behind a gentlemanly demeanor or blatantly displayed through thick necks and tribal arm band tattoos. Everyone knows that a little friendly competition never hurt anyone (pay no attention to this sentence Brooks). Clearly, there’s a simple way to find out who is here for the right reasons: DODGEBALL!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

GROUP DATE ONE
Chris
Brian
Baby Face Drew
Federal Prosecutor
Brooks
Brad
Mikey T.
Brandon
The Other Zack
Ben the Villain

After the list of men is read off the card, we learn that “Love is a Battlefield” is the theme of this date.

I’d like to pause for a moment to thank Desiree for reading my super awesome blog. As you may recall from last week’s recap, Brandon incorrectly announced that “Love is a Butterfly” and I quickly set the record straight by reciting the lyrics of one Ms. Pat Benatar. I applaud Des’ effort in helping me keep 80s reference alive and well. I feel it is my duty to properly educate the young minds who may frequent this site, on the wonder that is John Hughes and the holding power behind a hair scrunchie.

Young girl, I’m speaking directly to you. The mom of the kid you babysit is right. I am funnier than Taylor Swift. #tothemax

Let’s play dodgeball, shall we?

The guys head to a local junior high school gymnasium where they learn the secrets of dodgeball under the tutelage of Patches O’Houlihan. Let it be known that the Federal Prosecutor was wearing compression socks.

As our band of merry men warmed up on the sidelines, a team of professional dodgeballers begin launching balls in extreme force. Some of our contestants covered the family jewels. Others covered their faces. I would have thought there would be an entry-level foam ball that newbies use to practice with at first, but good old Patches went straight for ones that produce wicked burns on any exposed skin that may come in contact with a rubber ball hurling in your general direction. The term “balls flying” was used no less than 17 times in a span of two minutes and I had to refrain from giggling like a 12-year-old boy.

Our Host arrives wearing a “Design by Harrison” original. He strolls into the gymnasium, squelching the odor of sweat, trepidation and skin rashes with his natural aroma of leather seats in a 944 Porsche and Jake Ryan. #googleit #you’rewelcome #80srule

Harrison breaks the news that the 10 guys will be split into two teams of five and will play three games of dodgeball against each other. The winning team will get extra special, very important, alone time with our bachelorette. By the way, they’ll be playing in a public place (read: the field where the junior high band practices) and tons of locals have been bribed to come and act excited as if this were an Olympic trial. In keeping with my conspiracy theory that ABC has totally given up that their contestants can muster any real entertainment value, they make the dudes where shorty shorts (#edshoutout), knee socks, headbands and red/blue tank tops with white piping around the edges that really brings out the ambiance of Mikey T’s 10 o’clock shadow.

Below the radar contestants Drew, Zack and Chris proved to be dodgeball savants. One may have assumed that Mikey T. and the Federal Prosecutor (both on team red) would have a distinct advantage, but their rumbling, tumbling size inhibited them from quickly dipping and diving. They spent most of the games shouting accusations at Villain Ben, basking in the glory of Chris Harrison’s presence and shedding their tanks for an afternoon tan on the sidelines. Both insist that they are here for the right reasons and will rue the day and roll the head of anyone who is not.

Brooks was the unlucky baller who spent the majority of the day in the hospital with a broken finger. Even after I saw the crooked pointer, I didn’t really feel that sorry for him. It was when he passed out from the pain that I felt a little bad. This probably stems from an experience I had growing up in East Texas.

SIDE BAR
I was outside tanning one day (#totally80s) during the summer when Daddy drove up in the Jeep. He stumbled up to her with a bloodied hand held close to his chest.

Lincee: “WHAT HAPPENED!”
Daddy: “My finger got stuck.”

Lincee: “IN WHAT!”
Daddy: “Hay baler.”

Apparently, something foreign was caught in the mechanism, and instead of using a stick or tool to unlodge the object, Daddy used his finger. Which was immediately sucked up into said mechanism, resulting in my father dangling from the side. This man calmly reached into his pocket, pulled out a pocket knife and proceeded to cut off his own finger. Then he drove himself home to assess the damage.

Lincee: “YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.”
Daddy: “I think I do. I’ve lost a lot of blood and I’m feeling light headed.”

Lincee: “OF COURSE YOU ARE YOU CRAZY PERSON! I’M DRIVING!”
Daddy: “First, can you put my finger on ice?”

Which he produced. From his pocket.

Props to me for not passing out like Brooks. And props to my Daddy for letting my sister talk him into allowing the “Doogie Howser” lookalike sew his finger back on. #googleit #ilovethe80s #barneystinsonforever

Back at the after party, relatively mute up until now Brad pulls Des aside to let her in on a little secret. Spoiler: he has a kid. He was arrested for domestic violence. Spoiler: it was dismissed. Spoiler: he’s cute but will not go far.

Brooks soon shows up with his deflated hair still positioned awkwardly in his headband. He was tripping on some pretty major pain medicine that caused him to walk around holding his injured hand with the good hand, but Des loved the loopiness and quickly made out with him by the pool. #passthevicodin

“Who is that” Chris the Mortgage Banker took Des to see the skyline from the roof’s helipad. Sitting on the edge was extremely exciting for her. As Chris showered her with compliments, she remembered his raw, animalistic power on the dodgeball court and rewarded him with the date rose. As a bonus, Chris gets to spend some quality alone time with just Des. Well, Des and some chick who I thought was named “Pearl” but after extensive research, I’ve learned her name is Kate Earl. So, it’s Chris, Des and Kate Earl. Well, those three along with another backup singer girl and an acoustic guitarist who was silently projecting that having a finger stuck in a hay baler would be better than this current gig. #yourbuddieswillneverletyoulivethisdown

Aside from Des’ randomly awful outfit, Chris doesn’t ruin the moment by trying to be funny with silly dance steps. He simply pulls her in and slow dances under the stars. Then he goes in for the kiss. #wellplayed

We Were on a Break
Harrison interrupts Des’ morning sketch time with a quick phone call to inform her that one of the suitors actually has a girlfriend and has been lying this entire time. After the producers present visual confirmation that Brian is neither Brad nor Brandon, or that dude that looks like Don Draper whose name no one seems to recall, she hops into the Bentley to confront him. After several chances to come clean, Brian admits nothing.

Harrison waltzes in with Stephanie … the phantom girlfriend. Really earning his paycheck, Harrison mediates a very loud, high pitched fight between Stephanie (who is here for the right reasons), Brian and a disturbed Des. Stephanie is super pumped that she decided to wear her tightest pair of black leather pants because this performance is going to be PERFECT for her acting reel.

After a lot of unnecessary “babe” references and inquiries concerning the wellbeing of Steph’s son, Brian is clearly “caught” and is hanging his head in defeat. He doesn’t put up a fight when Harrison commands that big Pauly show him the door. “BIG PAULY!” we all shouted from the couch. He’s the same burly man who helped escort Roz from the premises during Harrisongate. It was like seeing an old friend. Brian pilfered through mounds of clothes and suitcases among the remnants of a disgusting room he shares with other filthy boys, schlepped his wardrobe downstairs and was taken away in an unmarked black van. Not once did Stephanie even consider throwing rocks at his face. #growth

One-On-One Date
#HashTag

#HashTag drew the week three one-on-one date which traditionally takes place on the side of a building. Typically, one of the two participants are deathly afraid of heights and will use this time to grow closer as a couple because of the death-defying experience they are about to have with one another. This was not the case with #HashTag and Des. This does not mean they jumped off the side with reckless abandonment. No, no. They just sort of walked around, fell down and generally hung there. Once, Des executed a 360 twirl and they both did a back flip. #hoorayforactionsequences

Dinner on the roof proved to be just as vanilla. As they were about to discuss how sore their cores were feeling, a random gust of wind simultaneously blew down a potted plant stand, extinguished all 284 candles (#internshoutout) and disheveled the coveted rose until it became limp bud on its silver tray. Des and Hash decide to go swimming because she’s tired of her hair flying in her face. Unfortunately, the aggressive wind and the fact that this was filmed in early spring proved to be too much for the pair and numbness began to set in. Piling the beach towel on her head like a turban didn’t help. Neither did #HashTag mimicking her with his own turban. Then he went in for the most ill timed kiss in the history of this show. They gave up and went inside before their body temperature became dangerously low and the wind still refused to cooperate. #listentoMotherNaturekids
Des felt bad that her entire date was ruined by the Cheater, the lame window walk and the onset of a monsoon. Since #HashTag was such a great sport, she gave him a pity rose in the stairwell of the building because he was surely here for the right reasons. #gohashtag

Second One-On-One
Dan Draper
Big James
Juan Pablo
Bryden the Soldier boy
Shirtless Zak

This section of this recap is brought to you by Disney’s “Lone Ranger,” coming to a theater near you this July.

The boys are picked up in a vintage stage coach and taken to an old timey saloon where real live cowboy stunt doubles will be teaching them out to rope, draw a pistol and fight.

I’d like to pause for a moment to thank ABC for reading my super awesome blog. As you may recall from almost every post I’ve ever written, cowboys are ruggedly handsome, extremely manly and dressing as one can make any man hot. #truth

At the beginning, Des fake kicks a man’s butt in an antebellum dress. She spends the rest of the date swooning in a different antebellum dress. The boys watch a two minute “Lone Ranger” trailer on a mini iPad and then they are off to cowboy boot camp. #signmeup

I have to say that this was one of my favorite group dates in a long time. Who doesn’t love a cowboy, first of all, but I think what I liked most about it was that the guys seemed to genuinely get along with one another. Sure, there was a miniature Cowboy Triathlon competition that would stir the hearts of most guys with a pulse, but this group seemed to genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Zak was uncomfortable with his shirt on, but that didn’t stop him from popping his hip out when he shot his gun. And Dan didn’t even break character as his pants split while mounting the horse. Juan Pablo delivered his entire speech to the bad guys in Spanish, and then whispered sweet Latin nothings into Des’ ear as he carried her off into the sunset. To no one’s surprise, he won some alone time and wisely used his popcorn as “accidental” access to Des’ bosom and then took immediate action in order to retrieve a kernel from her cleavage. And she ate it up — literally and figuratively, because they made out right after that. #popcornresidue #yum

Later that night, Bryden stole her away. I refuse to think that it was his idea to sit in a tree side-by-side because that position is not conducive for making out. My point was further proven mere moments later when the camera caught them in an appropriate embrace making out in FRONT of the tree.

I’d also like the record to show that someone intervened by de-Cesaring Bryden’s hair. My money is on Juan Pablo. #ettubrute?

Shirtless Zak’s white teeth glowed in the dark. They were stuck in a surrey with the fringe on top. She complimented him for constantly smiling. He told her he wanted to go in for a kiss and then he decided not to. Somehow he translates this exchange into a strong connection.

Big James completely endears himself to Des and probably most of you. He shares that his father is sick at home, but he’s keeping a close eye from afar. He also admits to being concerned that she may not be into him as much as he’s into her, and if that’s the truth, then he’d like to go home immediately. To assure him that she’s glad he’s there, she gives him the rose. In return, he gives her a daisy. It was pretty cute. As they make out, I mentally place him in the same category as #HashTag. The presentation of the rose didn’t feel genuine.

Pool Party
Since Des is such a “girl next door” figure, she’s decided to NOT have a cocktail party. Instead, she wants to chill and hang at a pool party! The dudes oil up, push up and wait in anxious expectation for her arrival.

Ben the Villain manages to intercept our bachelorette before she makes her way to the back of the mansion. He requests a 15 minute road trip. He talks the entire time. #loveyourtanktop

As if fate would have it, Mikey T. and Federal Prosecutor just happened to be standing at the never-to-be-opened OPEN back gate, just as Des is pulling into the driveway with Ben. Their blood pressure slowly comes to a boil when they witness an affectionate kiss, followed by the promise to keep this little joy ride a secret. #doesthattankcomeinblue?

The day is full of fun and frivolity. A friendly game of volleyball ensues. Someone warns Brooks not to mix his pain meds with booze. Dan Draper offers Des a pizza that says, “Will you be my girlfriend or is this too cheesy.” Chris asks Ben if he has had any alone time, to which he answers no. Mikey T. witnesses this exchange.

Mikey T: “In order to hammer your point home, sometimes it has to get physical.”

Slow chant with me, won’t you? FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! #fight

Mikey T. and the Federal Prosecutor take Ben around back to teach him a lesson, but instead of using their fists, they use vicious rhetoric. #wahwah

Meanwhile, Brandon convinces Des that he will hug her, squeeze her and call her George. He admits that he is head over heels in love and then pulls her in for an awkward kiss. She’s stunned. He’s confident.

Our Host arrives to clink his butter knife on the side of an ice cold beer bottle. He chuckles at the amount of dudes squished into a hot tub with Des and then orders them all to dry off, clean up and head downstairs for the rose ceremony.

Des’ dress? #bluerhinestonebarf

Roses go to:
Chris the Killer Dodgeball Player
Gentle Giant James
#HashTag
Solider Boy Bryden
Juan Pablo
Shirtless Zak
Brooks
Baby Face Drew
Other Zack
Brad
Federal Prosecutor
Mikey T.
Ben the Villain

Along with Brian the Cheater, Dan Draper and Brandon are ousted. Brandon implores that she has made a huge mistake and for a moment, I thought she was going to take it back when she ran after him. Instead, she just explained that the chemistry wasn’t there and he fell apart completely. I truly hope he gets some help because he has legitimate issues. I think it is good she let him go. I just wish she had done it at the pool.

What do y’all think? Are you still wondering who some of these guys are? (I’m looking at you Brad.) Is Chris a legitimate contender? Who’s the front runner? What do you think Chris Harrison smells like? Sound off in the comments section.

All about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee

Ben is not here for the right reasons. However his girly tank from J Crew totally is.

I know what you’re trying to do Ben. The answer is no. No we can not keep your tank top “our little secret” because as I mentioned last week, you can not erase the Internet.

PS: I just bought some darling bright green shorts from the J Crew outlet that would look PERFECT with that tank!

The recap will be up as soon as I finish a little online shopping.