TOP NINE THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR
1. Root Canal: Had a root canal performed on my upper right tooth yesterday. I was driving back to work from the dentist, when my sister calls and says, “I can’t believe you went back to work.” High pain tolerance. Right here. I can take it. I’m tough. I work in the oil industry people. You have to be strong in your pink hard hat. It was last night around 8:00 when that theory went out the window. Lying horizontal on the couch with an ice pack on my face, I turned to ABC after checking my TiVO to make sure the Bachelor was going to record. Didn’t want to miss it in case I fell asleep. This brings me to number two…
2. Awkwardness: Why ABC? Why? Why must you torture us with the most embarrassing moments of Bachelors in days of yore? The whole hour? You know how I get. I’m in the fetal position with a frozen jaw…helpless…and you make me hide the majority of the show under my blanket. Eggs rotting. Longing embraces from psychos that won’t let go. Crazy eyes directed to the fisherman. Even though it was like a car wreck and I was tempted to quickly look from behind my blanket…I didn’t. But I can still hear. I can hear Chris Harrison. Did you have to narrate every little unnerving moment? “Remember Amber Waves of Grain and Firestone’s uncomfortable silence?” or “Remember how Jesse gave What’s Her Name obvious body language that he was not interested in her nipple massages?” Make the madness stop!
3. Chris Harrison: Rumor has it that you are writing on the message board. I’ll have to admit that I didn’t believe it at first. But after the little tease you gave us…divulging that What’s Her Name feels up Jesse Palmer, I think you may be you. Or it’s a sneaky ABC intern who works in the editing department and is posing as you.
4. Bob and Rebecca: I go to visit Rebecca over the weekend because she is 40 months pregnant and needs some company. She and her husband Bob are smart. I mean the smart. Literally working at NASA. Seriously. Both of them think that it is the real Chris Harrison on the message board and who am I to argue with rocket scientists?
5. Kirsten Dunst: As I was watching Little Women over the weekend, this thought kept creeping back into my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder… HOW IN THE HECK DOES KIRSTEN DUNST GET TO KISS SO MANY HOT GUYS IN HER MOVIES? Is she a good actress? Is she a bugger? Who cares? Let’s give a rundown, shall we…Freaking Brad “Infidelity” Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Josh Hardnett, James Franco, Paul Bettany, Tobey Maguire (only in the Spiderman outfit) and the hotter than crap Christian Bale.
6. Christian Bale: Ask anyone and they will tell you that I have been a Bale fan since Newsies. I went to see it at the movies in 9th grade. I owned the cassette tape. Which proves that as a young child, I had excellent taste in hot guys. I bet he growls…
7. Back to the root canal: After watching the show last night, I call BFF Paul and say, “Be-Fri…what am I to do? I am in pain and do not wish to write the recap tonight.” Be-Fri answers, “SUCK IT UP! I don’t want to read messages all night long wondering where the recap is. You march your butt in there and write till you can’t write any more. AND IT BETTER BE FUNNY! We have people waiting to get this stuff. THERE’S NO CRYING IN RECAP WRITING!” Then I fired him. But realized I couldn’t do this without him, so I re-hired him. He accepted because he is stoked about all the shout outs he receives on the message board. We apologized to each other and are BFF again. YOU’RE MY BOY PAULY!
8. What the CRAP: As I am writing this sentence, the website as reached 20,000 people. What in the world? I would check all week long to see who cared enough to read what I have to say and the numbers kept going up and up and up and up. I have a friend who thinks I need to encourage people on this website. Like voting or something. So here I go…
9. Lincee’s Platform: If you don’t have TiVO…get it. It will literally change your life. If you are not signed up for Netflix…do so. It will also change your life. Best movies of 2005 you should see: Roll Bounce, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Harry Potter and the Something (is it wrong that I think HP is cute?) and Walk the Line. Watch Ellen, Oprah, Dancing with the Stars, Grey’s Anatomy, the OC, Alias when it returns and the Young and the Restless. Get the CD for Mamma Mia and go to Vegas to see the show. If you’ve never had Wild Berry gummy Lifesavers, I suggest you give them a shot. And we should all vote in the next election.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I lied. There was one part of the “pre-show” that I did peek out from behind the cover. During my peek, Dr. McHottie was with Bubba Teeth. Lord knows if I had the energy, I would have muted the stupid TV, and missed the whole blessed event.
The hot tub.
Can I get an Amen for the hot tub scenes? Why are there not more hot tub scenes? It’s a simple question. In the Firestone days, we couldn’t drag Andrew out of the hot tub. Even if the hot tub wasn’t hot. Or full of water.
Best Friends Matt and Kevin
McHottie’s two best friend doctors have the task of picking the next one-on-one date. The twosome put the Bachelorettes through a series of difficult tasks to make their ever important decision.
Classic. Genius. Brilliant. All adjectives running through my mind as Matt and Kev asked each Bachelorette to point out the body’s biggest muscle. Interesting since it was a skeleton hanging before them. Some answers were brain, intestines, and the popular tongue given by Red. The guys admitted that they didn’t care if the girls were smart…the just wanted to see how they could handle themselves under pressure. And to flirt their guts out in hopes to get some of McHottie’s discards.
The next big test was to ask each girl to open a wooden box and choose from three different engagement rigs. Nice touch dudes. Tons of PC answers. “I don’t like anything too flashy.” and “I think this one looks like McHottie” or “Whatever he gave me, I would be happy with.” Mowana bellies up to the bar and flat out says she is shallow and would pick the rock.
The final test is to perform unique talents. Man would I kick butt in this competition. ABC’s backwards for sure. Unfortunately, we have an array of not-so-unique-talents. Susan juggles fruit with a book on her head. Nashville sticks her fist in her mouth.
And then there is Jennifer. Oh Jen. Could you think of nothing else? Recite the Preamble of the Constitution. Didn’t everyone learn that in 6th grade? Show them that you can count in Spanish. Have a stare contest with Matt. Anything but model your freaking swimsuit. And there she goes.
Walk…walk…walk…POSE. Walk…walk…walk…weight shift POSE!
One-On-One Date with Susan
Surprise, surprise…Matt and Kev pick Susan for the one-on-one date. McHottie comes to the chateau to pick her up and brings pizza for the girls. And guess what? They all…at the same time…say “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
Where is my bucket?
The nine-foot tall couple squeezes into a clown car and set off for their date in Paris. Funny. I thought they were in Paris. McHottie is very nervous that he is going to get lost and look stupid in front of Susan. He succeeds. He suppresses his road range and finally asks a man with a herd of yaks how to get to Paris. Eight hours later, they find the Eiffel Tower.
They go to dinner and eat snails. Vomit. Right there I would vomit. That is why I could never be on the Bachelor. Can I get a Dr Pepper over here? Are there Pringles in Paris? What about something that does not crawl off my plate? I would get kicked off for simply having the appetite of a 6-year-old.
Meanwhile, the other girls are talking about Susan and how she is wants to be an actress and that is not a reason to be on the show. She is not there for the right reasons. Which brings us to Mowana. Her shtick is the aloof mystery woman. “I don’t care about the Bachelor. I don’t know if I like McHottie. I don’t know if I would accept a rose.” Why are you on the show again?
Back to Dr. McHottie and Susan…she feels the need to pour her heart out. Saying things like, “I like you” and “I feel there is something here” and points to her heart (which she learned where it was located from Kev and Matt) and “I believe this could go somewhere.” McHottie notices the relief in her eyes when he gives her the rose, realizes the hard part is over and escorts her out to the terrace where he gears up for a serious make out session.
Then we sit through a few pecks and lots of hugging. McHottie rolls his eyes, checks his watch and wonders what the deal is. It is then that he tries to get her in the mood with flattery and tells her how happy he is that she is in Paris with him. She answers, “I’m a smitten kitten.”
BUCKET. NEED MY BUCKET. WHO CARES THAT JAW IS SWOLLEN. VOMIT. COMING UP. FEEL IT IN MY THROAT. NEED AIR. CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. SMITTEN KITTEN. SMITTEN KITTEN.
She gets home at 3:00 in the morning and the girls ask if she kissed him. She answers yes and someone says, “with tongue?” Susan answers, “We kept it classy.”
Nashville cries herself to sleep. Red is already passed out on the couch. Susan sleeps with her rose under her pillow and Student Sarah lights up in the bathroom.
Date Two
French Riviera
Bless her heart Nashville says that they are going on a pimpin’ yacht like Puffy and Beyonce. There is a bunch of unison screaming as they explore the boat. Dr. McHottie announces that they are going to be spending the night and suggests that they all go change into their swim suits and party on the Lido deck.
I think either “Whoomp There It Is” or “I Like Big Butts” blared in the background. Wait a minute…what was that? What are they doing?
It is at this point that I have to start pacing the floor. I’m screaming. I’m begging for him to stop. But he doesn’t. The dancing. I can still hear the screaming in my head at night time. Oh that dancing. McHottie just went down a couple of levels on my hotness scale. Please Lord. Don’t let him. Please keep him from doing it. And there it is…the white man’s overbite. I understand that Red was pretending he was a pole as she danced around him, but make it STOP!
Luckily, Mowana turns aggressive and decides to whisk him away on a jet ski. The other girls hate that she had all this alone time with McHottie.
Then they go gamble somewhere. Shiloh (who?) takes Dr. McHottie aside and confides in him that “not all girls are here for the right reasons.” McHottie doesn’t care that she was throwing someone under the bus…he’s going to make a decision by himself on what he sees.
They go back to the boat and Nashville pulls McHottie upstairs to visit. She wants him to know that she is in this for real. They have SOOOOO much in common. Like camping.
And being from Nashville.
And that she is a Kindergarten teacher and he once went to Kindergarten.
Unfortunately, Nashville did not think ahead of time and take McHottie to the boiler room. She chose the hot tub. Red comes up in her boxer shorts from 8th grade cheerleading camp used as a cover up and says that all the girls are coming up to get in the hot tub. YES! TAKE HIM WITH YOU. REMOVE THE SHIRT BUT DO NOT DANCE.
I did feel sorry for Nashville that she was interrupted twice by the boozer, but what are you going to do.
McHottie says he is not giving the rose until the next morning. Mowana takes that opportunity to bring him coffee the next day, somehow gets in his bed under the covers, has him lay on her stomach and profess that he wished they had been alone the previous day. She said he was cheesy. I’m wondering what she slipped in the coffee?
Date Three
Camping
Jennifer and Student Sarah get a box that says something like, “there will be one rose…see who stays and who goes.” Looks like ABC has hired Bubba Teeth to write their date box messages. WAY TO GO BUBBA!
Jen admits this is her first time camping. It is at this point we all know she is a goner. Bless her heart. She’s in a fur coat from Nordstrom’s while Student Sarah is kickin’ it in her camo. They get to the camp ground and begin to whittle sticks into long spears. McHottie thinks Jen is cute for trying. Student Sarah has already whittled her stick into a sharp spear and goes for what appears to be McHottie’s jugular. Luckily he moves his head just in time.
Dr. McHottie takes Jen into the tent to appease the producers of ABC. She freaks out about the bugs. Ironically, she didn’t notice that Student Sarah was poking them through the opening as Jen talked about how it is okay that they don’t have to like the same things to be married. Right.
They take forever and we see Student Sarah become restless. She scours the woods for some hemp.
McHottie turns Jen away and does not offer her a rose. He returns to Student Sarah in high spirits and jumps on her in her sleeping bag, clearly killing her buzz. McHottie notices the doobie and questions Student Sarah. She explains it is only for medicinal purposes, and McHottie smiles that he is getting to re-live his college days with someone ten years younger than he is. Pass the joint please.
After sparking, the two are unable to speak and do this strange finger to the mouth game that obviously…you had to be there to get…or had to be lit to get. You know…you’re walking down the hall in first grade and your teacher puts her finger to her mouth silently requesting that the students do not talk. They did that. To each other. And kissed in-between. With what appears to be a foot-long tongue coming out of Student Sarah’s mouth. Interesting.
Rose Ceremony
To no one’s surprise, he picks Nashville, Red and G-hand…just because he likes saying her name! He tells the camera he has no regrets about sending Shiloh (who?) packing and proposes a toast stolen from the fortune cookie he got earlier that day, “Here’s to living life in the moment.”
Just checked the website. We are up to 21,000. Thank you. And BFF Paul thanks you too. And Chris Harrison thanks you too. Now get back to work!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
HEE-LARIOUS! Keep it up!
soooo funny! thanks!
My eyes are watering from laughing so hard! I’m impressed with this sort of humor after a root canal. You’ve really gone to the next level in my book!
Even in pain, you are funnier than a lot of people I know, and I know some really funny people!
Loved your platform and promise to watch Roll Bounce on pay per view, but I’ll have to pass on the gummie lifesavers.
Big thanks to BFF Paul for making sure you wrote the recap and didn’t leave us hanging.
Thanks for another great Tuesday morning!
Amye
You are sheer genius!
Lincee,
Are you still married? I can’t remember. I remember you use to always talk about him watching his sports. I don’t think I have heard much about him lately..
We were here at work waiting for the recap! So glad your BFF forced you to write it…so funny. Hope the pain subsides soon but man you are still histerical!
Never thought the phrase “herd of yaks” could make me laugh so hard. Love your recap and your taste in TV shows!
I have been reading your recaps for a few seasons now. I don’t think the show would be the same without you. Keep up the great work, and I am super jealous of the pink hard hat.
Straight Guy #3 is my hero. Dr. McWhiteydance is classic.
Thank you for making me laugh! Personally, not too impressed with any of the girls this year…Getting DVR tomorrow (too many shows and not enugh time), watched Roll Bounce this weekend (love the soundtrack)and agree with just about all your TV picks! Keep it going girl!
Why is paul called b-fry?!
Excellent recap! I was also frightened by the campfire kissing…totally weird! Sorry about the root canal. I’m a dental assistant so I know its not fun! I think you should start doing recaps on LOST!!! What do ya think?
You are my hero - keep it up!! I can’t stop laughing!!
I didn’t think us Baylor chicks got out enough in Waco to develop such sarcasm and humor. Oh yeah…and you said “doobie.” The southern baptists’ are feeling their skin crawl and they’re not quite sure why??
Loved your platform–as you know just got DVR myself and you’re right–it truly changes lives! Keep the funny coming!
I can’t believe I missed it last night! For all of you that think Lincee is a riot without watching the show - she is - but dang it’s SO MUCH FUNNIER if you actually see it.
Paul - thanks for keeping Lincee on track for her thousands of admirers! Love ya!
And I’m thinking Straight Guy #3 is sounding pretty darn hot - should he be the next Bachelor? HELL YA! Imagine how great the show would be if the Bachelor actually called out why he WASN’T giving someone a rose - that would take the game to a whole new level!
Poor Lincee. My heart goes out to you - but selfishly I’m so glad that you worked through the pain and got the recap out. And a special thanks to BFF Paul for the tough love.
Far be it from me to mess with the minds of rocket scientists but I’m now skeptical about Chris H the host who’s posting really being THE Chris H. I saw no meltdown like he promised after the final rose, just Shiloh (who?) walking calmly down the steps. Is it me?? Did I miss something???
(I also realized that when you were talking about Bob and Rebecca - I seriously thought you were talking about Bachelor Bob and his lovely bride (who he scammed on during Bachelor repeats on ABC Family) Rebecca/Greenlee from All my Children. Can you say one track mind??)
Thanks for once again brightening the day of the reality TV obsessed.
PS - I have TiVo, love Grey’s and Walk the Line is on my list to see this weekend. I’ll give the other suggestions a try - now that they have the Lincee seal of approval.
Do you think it’s the gi-normous tongue that causes Sara Canada to make those weird purring and whining noises?!
Moana’s short shorts and igloo-parka-vest combo, on the french riviera, should go down in fashion hall of shame.
Was it just me or did McWhiteyDance look like he wanted to jump into the Seine rather than get in the hottub with Tara. LOL!
Is it just me or does Student Sarah sound just like Tom Petty? What’s with those weird noises she makes?
Go Baylor girls!
I totally have the Newsies on VHS! Gotta love singiing Christian Bale!
Love it! You crack me up and everyone around me wants to know who/what can possibly be so funny.
Oh, that was the BEST ONE YET Lincee! Thanks for writing even though you’ve been through ROOT CANAL HELL! Once again, you’ve made my day!!! Keep up the good work. You are certainly a highlight during the otherwise boring work week!
Lincee,
I have been forwarding on your recap’s for at least a year and can’t tell you how excited we all are about the blog….thanks new BFF Paul. Your recaps are the highlight of my day. Way to work through the pain. Hope you get better soon.
Another fantastic recap. I’m glad someone else in the world has been obsessed with Christian Bale since the Newsies. I’m with ya sister. Haha. Something is oh so hot about those boys spinning around, dancing, and singing. I always loved it when they thrust their hips forward during songs for added emphasis. I’ll cease their days all right.
I’m also glad that I’m not the only person who thinks Canadian Sarah is a stoner. Wow. I’ve also decided she’s part teradactyl. Dinosar-ah. Ha. Those noises she makes are so reptillian, I can’t get over it. RrrrAHHH!
Sorry about the root canal. I’ve had two, and they’re bastard bitches. Feel better!
I was wondering if I missed something last night after the final rose. Chris mentioned there would be a meltdown and I thought Shiloh and Jen handled it well. What’s up with that Chris? Did the ABC intern not show us the scoop you mentioned?
I’m liking straight guy #3 too. I second he should be our next bachelor and tell the girls how it really is… or maybe our next bachelor could be BFF Paul???
Keep up the GREAT work! I love reading your recaps. The show is awesome, but the recaps are better!
A friend of mine works with Dr. McHottie at Vanderbilt and apparently he used to be more of a “Dr. McMountainMan.” ABC made him cut his hair and shave his beard before the show aired. Oh, and he gets wasted before each episode because he gets so embarrassed!
Once again awesome, right on recaps! I’m in love with Christian Bale too! The shower seen in American Psycho - yowsa!
Aside from the whole “Smitten Kitten” fiasco, doesn’t it seem like Susan is throwin down some majorly cheesy pickup lines to McHottie?
You are hilarious! Love reading the column.
this is the best part of my tuesdays!! keep it up!!
Ok - Im so glad someone else acknowledges how hot Christan Bale is - I loved that guy since “Newsies” myself. Its a shame that he’s married.
Anyway - great recap as usual!
So, does anyone else think that Dr. McHottie is just an overgrown frat boy? I feel like his friends might call him “T-bone” instead of Travis. Maybe that’s why he likes Stoner Sara so much.
What I appreciated from last nights show…..how many times they shamelessly showed him without his shirt on….running shirtless in 40 degree weather, pulling his shirt down over his washboard abs while getting dress, and even though it made us all cringe……dancing shirtless.
He still doesn’t compare to Christian Bale…..by the way, have you seen the Machinist? That’s one time I wish I hadn’t seen Christian Bale without his shirt.
LINCEE - you’re great! I bet you’ll be up to 100,000 before the Bachelor ends this season.
Lincee - I have three words for you and your root canal - BLESS YOUR HEART! Seriously, bless your heart.
Great recap! (Thanks Paul BFF for pushing!) Can hardly work because I am having to go back and re-read to be sure I didn’t miss anything. It gets funnier and funnier each time I read it!
ABC has really outdone themselves this time…WTF??? Red=drunk; Sarah Cananda=high; Sarah Nashville=ambiguous; Susan=obvious choice that we know won’t win; and Moana - WTF????? Could her forhead be any bigger?
Anyway, my vote for the next Bachelorette is COLE! Now that is a true “Bless Her Heart” Moana over Cole???? Seriously????
Looking forward to next week!
I love waking up Tuesday mornings and reading your thoughts on the previous nights episode before school! They are so funny and true…now if we could only get “Mr. McHottie” to tell his true feelings…
Hope you feel better and I can’t wait til next week!
Thanks for struggling through the pain to entertain your adoring public, Lincee!
Lindsee You are FABULOUS! I’ve been reading your emails for the last few years and they make watching the show somewhat bareable to watch! Although, by the grace of tivo, if I start to feel the agonizing arrival of an embarasing moment, I FF imediately!
Also, not to burst your bubble, but I live in LA and the gossip on the street is that our lovely bachelor is actually homeosexual and had a serious boyfriend in medical school. I know, it seems rediculous, but I am just passing on what is being tossed around the people and star offices (who also broke the story on angie being prego!)! uhhh, I never know who to believe anymore…
Love It! I have been reading your articles since Jen, and they just keep getting better!
Your recaps totally complete the bachelor experience! I hate to admit it, but reading your recaps in class on tuesdays is definitely a highlight of my law school semester! Root canal and all!
Shiloh (who?)
Haha, I love it.
Feels like I should sign in with a “long-time reader, first-time poster.” My wife has forwarded your emails for the last two seasons… definitely agree this adds to the experience.
Adding to fuel to the fire -
Never trust a woman who cannot pronounce her name correctly. Thanks to the ABC intern, Dr. McCountry was given a phonetical listing of the contestants names… hence G-hand and Mowana.
However, Mowana’s name is MOANa… which is what I do everytime she talks or flinches her shoulders or is asked “where’s the beef?” from Nashville. Ugh…
So there it is… cant trust Moana b/c she (and ABC intern) cant pronounce her name.
Publish a book! I can’t wait to buy it! You are so talented.
Love the web site! Thanks for making me laugh so hard at work
I heart Newsies. That scene with Christian Bale and David Jacobs in the curtains backstage is classic.
Oh, and if you are going to do online renting, do Blockbuster Online, not Netflix.
Thanks for the entertainment, Lincee.
So glad “Smitten Kitten” bothered you as much as it did me…horrible, just horrible!
okay, lincee….poll at the office… we want to know IF YOU ARE MARRIED? If NOT, you need to be the next BACHELORETTE - ABC would love you and so would all your ‘fans’.
I heart Christina Bale too! I have the Newsies soundtrack and I make my students watch it every year!!!
I have loved your recap for years now! Tuesday is my favorite day of the week because of you!!!
Also in the O&G biz….take care…for your sake, I hope you will be picked up by some great media outlet and paid for your blogs…..I LOVE THEM!!!
Thanks,
O&G Gal in Houston
HI-larious!!! S E R I O U S L Y. I have not been able to watch an episode from beginning to end, but with your recaps each week, no worry. My co-worker had to stop for a moment before she peed her pants……..Thanks for the laughs and the recap of your own life events. Never a dull moment. It’s what keeps the crazies sane. Thanks Lincee!
It’s official. I have a girl crush on Lincee.
Medium and Bachelor were on at the same time. Thanks for your recap so I could unregretfully watch Medium. Your recaps are more interesting than the show, only too short!
I love your recaps Lincee!! I’ve been reading for years and have passed it on to a lot of people.
I’m going to say that I might almost believe he’s gay. I mean, they hid the faces when he kissed Hot Susan and I almost threw up when he kissed Stoner Sarah.
I wasn’t sure it could get worse than watching Bob kiss someone but last night was painful.
I”m sitting at work eating lunch & nearly choking on my sandwich because I’m laughing so hard. These recaps make the show so worth watching. And can Chris Harrison PLEASE offer the Bachelor & the ladies a thesaurus? There HAS to be another word for “connection” there just has to be!
Host Chris, if you are reading this please see if Lincee can cohost the all important ‘Women Tell All’ episode. I know America is dying to see her and we’d love for the two of you to ask the probing questions like “Bubba Teeth, did one of the other contestants trick you into doing that orange in the mouth thing?”
ABC should pay you. Seriously, I watch the show just so I can read your recap the next day. ABC would have nothing without you.
so funny and so true! Keep it up…I think you should get Chris’ job!
Great! The recap is right on. I did have a question about the best movies of 2005. Did you see The Family Stone? Wouldn’t that movie get a “best” award for the simple fact of having SJP in it?
Straight Guy#1 checkin’ in!
Lincee, I love your recaps the more you write them! Keep ‘em coming!
My 2 cents: I had to call a girl last night to gain insight into the “girl” persona. Finally, I understand why these (all episodes) women cry after not being picked (i never understood this until now and it’s always bothered me!!), according to her: it’s all the hype of going through the process, being chose and excitement of going to a glamorous place; and the humiliation of being rejected on national TV; and that some of them are just plain loco! But still they all cry. They’ve all scoffed at previous girls crying, but continue to do it themselves! oh well.
side notes: the intern obviously couldn’t find any modern tent and had to go with the 1920’s tent found outside of paris. Probably took him/her 5 hours to pitch it. way to go.
I love the scenes at the end of jennifer freaking out about the bugs - classic!
shout outs: SraightGuy#3 & married guy < 'in my most masucline voice> what’s up bro’s?< '/voice>
Great as usual! Yes, I’ll be getting back to work shortly, but all the gals here are faithful followers of your recaps! Love them! Thanks for the laughter!
did anyone else notice that the ABC intern had to park the car when they got to Paris? He just stopped in the middle of an intersection or something.
Thanks for pushing through the pain Lincee! Tuesdays are always better when you’re posting! keep it up, I’m passing the website on to everyone I know!
This is the greatest blog site. I have been a huuuuge fan of your e-mails and love the comedy relief. Keep it up and thanks to your computer friends for the keeping us up to date on the show. Keep us laughing thanks
Love your recaps! I never watched this show before the recaps - now I’m hooked. ABC should pay you.
Keep it up!
Still laughing …Great recap Lincee as usual. I have TiVO, but even if I didn’t, you capture everything so perfectly. Luv your humor and writing style. I’ve been reading your recaps since the first bachelor and they get better n better. Please keep it up!!
You are freakin’ hilarious! I love it! Keep it goin’!
Oh and by the way, when I was once strolling the streets of Paris with my cousin and my sister way back when, we didn’t have lots of moolah along so we opted for Pringles for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner many a time! Just thought you’d like to know that you can have Pringles in Paris ; )!
Loving it! You are right on target! Thanks for making my
Tuesdays.
I love- “and that she is a kindergarten teacher and he went to kindergarten.” I wonder what mommies and dadies who got their 6 and 7 yr olds together to watch their teacher from kindergarten last year did when nashville called Mowanna a Biotch! I love it! I love it! I love it! I also love paninis, but that’s a whole nother discussion! Keep it up- you rock!
Last weeks overused word: Seriously
This weeks overused word: Depth
“She seems to have a lot of depth”-I swear he said it five times last night. To describe five different women.
Shiloh is his sister, right?
Totally great - couldn’t appreciate your blog any more. Sara from Canada has got to do something about that baby whine/squeal thing. Drives me nuts. Total pothead. I think ole Storky may have smoked his share of reefer in med school as well. Maybe that’s why he’s feeling her so much?
I kind of wish that some of the girls who have not gotten roses from the bachelor do read your blog, I would be really interested to hear what they have to say, especially after people make fun of them, etc.
Is there a word that means “funnier than hysterical”; I’m crying from laughing so hard Lincee! Too funny!
WOW!!! I am much honered with Lincee saying that I was her hero for my Dr. Mc Whiteydance comment! Sorry Ladies… I am very happily married so no Bachelor for me.
Forgot one thing. What is up with Red constantly wearing shorts. After Champaign last weekend in her Hanzel/Grettle shorts and this weekend I believe she had another chance to wear dressy shorts (maybe at the Casino??). Dressing up with shorts just doesn’t work if you ask me. That has been done- i.e. Boys to Men, circa 1990
Loved the Newsies - sung the songs, danced the dances, kissed the TV screen. Classic movie.
You are hysterical! So what’s the deal, are you still married or what? If not, then you definetly need to be one of the next bachelorettes, all of America would be rooting for you!! ABC, are you listening?????
A-freaking-men about the dancing!!! He lost so serious hottie points on that one.
Girl - you need to post a picture of yourself in that cute pink hard hat so we know who is making us laugh each week! We feel like we know you and could all be great friends with you but we are dying to know what you look like! Think about it!
You seriously need to be getting paid the big bucks to write these! I look forward to your recaps every Tuesday. Keep ‘em coming!
I am right there with you on the Christian Bale comment. I also own the Newsies on cassette. Just love him….
Lincee, you are truly a comedian…the way you explain how we are all feeling is incredible. I don’t know what I look forward to more…watching the Bachelor or getting to work just to read your ReCaps! You Kick Ass!
Genuine sexiness takes many hours of practice in front of a mirror or video camera. Student Sarah should have practiced more before bringing her show to the stage.
I can skip the gym tonight, because my abs are now sore from all the laughter…
I think you’re on to something…Mowanna definitely slipped a little something in the coffee…but you have to admit that she’s got more game than the rest of the girls combined…they’re just throwing everything they’ve got at him…come on ladies!!! Where’s the mystery…what’s that expression - the hunt is sweeter than the kill…
On another note, it’s great to know that there are 20,000 other people out there who slack off at work as much as I do! I’m making sure to maintain a very concentrated and focused facial expression so no one in my office catches on to what I’m really doing…
Thanks Lincee!
I was so with you until you called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a “must-watch.” That movie was friggin’ horrible.
Great recap!! I am definitely hooked.
BTW…I’m still very skeptical about Chris H. posting on the site.
Lincee thank you so much for posting through your pain. I’ve just spent the past two hours unjamming a printer after every third page of a manuscript that somebody else is printing and incurred a very painful papercut in the process. Getting to read your post redeemed it all. Paul is also hero #2 for forcing you to do it. He totally deserves cookies.
Could the promised meltdown have been Nashville getting a little emotional about Moana getting the rose?
Lincee — I love your name, it’s cool, it’s unique. So, we know you’re hiliarious, we’re so excited you’ve got a blog. But I think it’s time to take it to the next level. Especially now that you’re tight with Chris Harrison. I WANT YOU ON THE SHOW!! They can promo it as The Bachelor, but with a MOLE that is there purely to get info for your blog to keep your 21,000+ fans happy. Think of all the material you get from one 47 minute episode, and then think of how amazing it would be if you were actually there. We’re missing so much! They are there 24/7 and we’re only seeing less than an hour per week. It’s up to you to infiltrate them and bring us the secret intelligence we deserve.
Love it! love it! love it! LONNNNNG time reader…and really like the new format.
Two things: One: I’m surprised you didn’t latch onto Mowana’s cigar smoking at the casino. Two: Can we get an archive of all of your old episode recaps on here?
Scottsdale and Phoenix luv ya… you should really be writing for “People Magazine”..
Thanks and look forward to Tuesday Mornings……….
Anonymous at 3:26 p.m.-Go back to the ABC message boards with that thought!
If we are going to get psychos on here, we may have to go back to the email format!
Tuesday is my official fav day of the week now…..ok, so my husband who says he doesnt watch the show, but for whatever reason decided to watch last night, thinks that Moana is an ABC plant or maybe she is the intern. He calls her the “shit stirer” (is that a word?) He thinks she is there only to stir the shit up.
Can’t wait for next week.
I officially think we are soul sisters…Newsies is one of my all time favorites. Thanks for making Tuesday mornings so fun! I love that we can all comment now as well, it is almost as much fun as reading the recaps. Was the meltdown that Chris H. referred to Jennifer? Or possibly Nashville Sarah when Mowana got the rose???
Question for fellow Baylor alums…I was told that one of the girls kicked off the first week was from Baylor…anyone know who it was??
brilliant. genius. i too can say the abc’s backwards.
One more note…
Student Sarah made mention of all the great conversations her and Travis have had, now correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t their “conversations” consist mainly of:
You’re grreeaatt!
Wanna kiss meee baaaby?
You’re awwsoome!
Just a thought…
First, are the two ads at the top of your blog by dentists ON PURPOSE??? Very funny… Secondly, I fell asleep during the show last night (I admit it, I have 2 kids and couldn’t make it all the way.) Plus, didn’t it used to start at 9 pm est? If they keep showing the previous week’s recap, why bother staying up? Why ARE they showing the recap every week? Wasn’t Jake in Progress and Sex in a Different City with Heather Graham supposed to be in that time slot? Anyhoo, I knew your recap would be better than the show, anyway. My question is this: was there really a doobie? I know I’m naive (TX methodist, or Baptist-lite as we call it), but even though I totally see Canada Sarah drinking bong water, would the family network show such a thing? Of course, they did put “Cruel Intentions” on ABC Family the other night, which seems odd. I guess they were step-siblings afterall. I’m not judging, just observing.
Girl, you are freakin hilarious. I just felt the need to share my love of Christian Bale, American Psycho was when I was hooked.
My mom and sisters love your recaps too!
Peace
ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa..Love it! First time reading this!
p.s. they do have pringles in Paris. My cousins and I lived on them while broke in Paris.
Lincee…Your satire and comments are SO witty. You are brilliant! You deserve a book deal, or a talk show…or the right to give play-by-play commentary during the next season.
Okay, I know I’m way late to the party…but what happened to all the previous bachelor & bachelorettes? Did any of the hook-ups last? Lincee, would you PLEASE post a recap, as only you can, of the shelf-life of previous pairings?
KEEP UP THE GREAT BLOG!
Lincee,
Love love love you! So glad you’re finally online so I don’t have to depend on receiving an eighth string forward of your thoughts. I think the Baylor girl was that cute April who is in commercial real estate in Dallas, but that’s just a guess. Lincee, you are now THE reason I watch the show–just so I can read your commentary the morning after. Thanks for all the laughs–you make my week!
Love the blog Lincee! Tuesdays wouldn’t be the same without you! And YES, ABC must ask you to co-host the Women Tell All-or arrange a book deal-or both. You rock! And you need to add LYLAS to your list o’acronyms-that is true 80’s lingo. Hearts to BFF Paul too!
And shouts out to the straight guys-I’m trying to convince my hubby to join the club!
Oh, and to “3:46pm anonymous”-the doobie story creation was classic Lincee…you know we were all thinking it-Lincee just put our thoughts into words…again…
LYLAS, Jenn
first of all, the ONLY reason I watch the b&#!*fest every week is because it makes your take on it that much funnier.
anywho, the whole ‘recap’ before the new episode is only going to happen two more times, one being the ‘final rose’ episode. but i think it is actually pretty entertaining…. just think we wouldn’t have seen the awkward hot tub scene with bubba.
So funny…love the recaps. Does anyone else seem to notice that red-head Tara seems to be quite the alkie…shes always drunk!
I have enjoyed your recaps for several seasons, and I just forwarded your website/blog address to ABC - hope you don’t mind but I thought they’d enjoy. Your recaps are so much better than, say, TV Guide’s —- thought I’d share the joy —- maybe you’ll get even more publicity and readers. Keep it coming - you just crack me up!
I can’t handle it - you are seriously the funniest person EVER Lincee! And now I have even more reason to adore you…Newsies! My absolute favorite!
Love. It.
My sister told me today that she loves Sarah Canada. We got into a big fight. Names were called. It wasn’t pretty. I am referring her to this website so she can read all the comments and reform her opinion!
If they don’t get you to host the girls tell all then they are a bunch of idiots. ABC CALL LINCEE!!!
Lincee- do you think the root canal could have something to do with the Dr. Pepper and Wild Cherry Gummy LIfe Savers?
Rock on Chris Harrison- you need to get the archives from previous Bachelors.
Rock on Lincee!!
xoxo- Martha Small
A couple of things I totally agree with after reading the recap and comments: 1) Lincee - YOU RULE and your recaps are the joy of my week. 2) McHottie supressing road rage and driving into Man with Yaks also had me dying with laughter…honestly THREE HOURS in the car with Susan? Did they even need to go to dinner? That is more alone time than anyone has had in the shows history…also “Ou est PAIR-ISSSS?” Doooood…it’s Pair-eeeeee to the locals, baby McHottie…take an interest… 3) Lincee - can BFF Paul post a pic of you, in pink hard hat or otherwise? Dying to put the face with the humor and the legend that is Lincee…
Real quick, can we talk about whether Nashville is a “Sexual Being?” Holy F - I thought he was going to follow up with asking her whether she batted for the other team, how she prefers to get her freak on, or whether she likes it in the pa-donk-a-donk!! The real McHottie revealed….
Also- Lincee- you should at “Dog The Bounty Hunter” to yout tivo list- amazing television!
You are freaking hilarious. I’ve been following “your work” since the very beginning! So glad you have your own blog now. I am addicted!
First things first…Do you work for W3 Advertising? Please tell us about YOUR life!!!
Denver loves Lincee- pa-donk-a-donk…too much. Just spit water on the keyboard!
Didn’t know his name except for The Hot Batman Forever Guy. Glad to put a name with the face. Love your recaps started watching just b/c of your writing and couldn’t wait to read it today. Thanks Keri for getting me hooked up.
Love the recaps. Definitely the best one this season so far!!
Agree with Straight Guy #3 as well. Red and Moana are both TERRIBLE! Red is a lush and Moana thinks she is too cool for school.
Your posts are SO funny!
Don’t know if this has come up but for all fo you Baylor gals, Dr. McWhitetdance’s older sister went to Baylor. And he is so not gay…his family would disown him.
Okay, I seriously almost fell out of my chair reading this recap. I LOVE THEM!!! And you’re so right…Student Sarah is a big, fat stoner. Keep up the good work!
You are hysterical!!! I love the re-caps! Keep it up– you make my week! Thanks!
Thank you for always making me laugh! You are truly gifted!Thanks BFF Paul for not letting her off the hook with her recap!
So funny, Lincee!! These are hilarious and I know you so I totally feel famous now.
I’m impressed with you, man!
Okay, okay I don’t read for an hour and find I missed some good scoop. What did I miss about “3:46pm anonymous”? Can someone give the cliff note version of what was said and why a blog administrator (BFF Paul, I’m assuming) removed it???
Don’t know who took it off, but he was being “simply unacceptable” with his overtures….
Seriously, how is there a root canal ad at the top of lincee’s blog???
Lincee-
I printed out the Episode 3 recap(as I always do) and read it while my 1 yr old was sleeping…BAD IDEA if I wanted him to REMAIN asleep! The whole “crawling off my plate” and the whole “appetite of a 6 yr old” had me busting out in laughter!!! Goodonya Lincee!
Can’t wait until next week!
Bren
How funny are you?! I am dying here! Been with you for a long time and it just keeps getting better. I want to personally thank BFF!!!! Thanks so much for getting Lincee up and writing. :)Could have fallen over when the “smitten kitten” verse came out! What the heck was that?! I am ready to tell McHottie to ditch Red and Mowana!
Thanks “6:02pm anonymous” for the cliff notes version of “3:46pm anonymous” post. I figured that was the case. Unfortunately that is something we’ll have to deal with by having a blog instead of the old fashioned e-mail we used to get. Keep it up Lincee!
Lincee! I’ve been reading your recaps for a couple years now! Seriously, me, you BFF’s!
lincee, the tivo has changed my life as well. Do you have a chi? that changed my life too. I would have been so much cuter in high school had i been able to tame my hair. oh well…..
It’s about time you knew how many people were reading (and waiting anxiously) for your recap each week… friends were sending it to 100 other friends, who passed it along again. You’ve got quite a following! I’m just happy that I don’t have to wait for six people to receive the recap before I can read it!
Fan in Texas: “3:46 anonymous” not to be confused with “3:26 anonymous” who wrote the inappropriate comment. I answered a question that 3:46 had about the doobie reference from Lincee earlier…just don’t want 3:46 to be mixed in with the likes of 3:26 ;-).
And to “6:10 anonymous”: the reason the dental/teeth ads appear at the top of the blog has to do with Google’s “Ad Sense” program. Short version of the technology: Google scans the text, picks up on key words and displays ads to match what “it” thinks would be relevant…
Okay, I have no idea who you are other than one of Dani’s ex sorority sisters. You are so freaking funny. Austin EMS is now addicted to this blog- these updates and quickly falling in love with your pink hard hat and root canal. My advise… quit you day job. If you can find a way to get paid for this. Do it.
I just want to say thanks for being hilarious.
Also, I think “I’m a Loosey Goosey” would’ve worked better than Smitten Kitten…just a guess.
And, I’ve only seen commercials, but I’m sure Stoner Sarah has been on a Girls Gone Wild video.
My twin sis sent me your link, so glad she did b/c you are f#@%ing hilarious!!! Where did you get your wit is my first question??? I totally get your humor, and love every bit of it! Keep it up, b/c your words are my thoughts! I was thinking the same thing about McHottie when he did that SCARY dance, I wanted to scream and tell him to stop immediately. My stomach started to hurt b/c I started thinking that he wasn’t that hot anymore… Oh Please Travis, please don’t EVER, EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
One more thing I would like to note, I live in Nashville, and go to the same gym as “Nashville” and McHottie, and she seems very nice and nothing like what ABC portrays her to be. Anyway, I hope she gets McHottie, that way McHottie doesn’t ruin his medical career smoking dope with Canada.
I knew someone else had to see that Canadian Sarah was hittin the weed! Guess it’s a good thing he’s a doc so he can prescribe!
Lincee,
Recaps of episodes past could easily be the book deal. Similar to idea of what SJP got in Sex in the City! I know I would buy!
Also, did anyone else have the expectation of Stoner Sarah’s answer the “Largest Muscle” question bing “The Penis”. Her mentality totally set that bar.
Thanks for working through the pain and thanks to BFF Paul for helping you keep your focus.
Catch you next week!
Have been looking forward to reading this all day! As I sit here cracking up over the Jerry Springer meets American Idol candidates laughing my ass off, I think your recap is SOOOO much more entertaining. I’m so glad somebody can hear me when I’m screaming back at the tv! As for the future Mrs. Dr. McHottie, I’d like to start an anti-red campaign….any takers?!
Love the recaps…I have been getting the forward of a forward of a forward email for several years now…congrats on the blog and thanks BFF for making it happen!!!
Okay, random thought….did ABC lose some funding? Why was McHottie driving the Smart Car for 3 hours to Paris…were all the chauffeurs on strike? And I am so glad I was not the only one that noticed the Python tongue emerging from Student Sarah’s mouth. Gross!
And btw…..does anyone else find Ms. Canada’s baby talk and drunken smile a little annoying?!
I think I like your recaps more than the show…you should replace chris!
What can I say? I’m a fan! When’s your first novel hitting the shelves?
Careful to not be too quick to underestimate Nashville. Lesson from history….the quiet edited one is usually one of the finalists….Just look at Charlie and his texan nurse!
I also found Christian Bale @ a young age. My friend actually held an annual slumber party that was primarily devoted to watching Newsies.
I love the recaps! I even put in a shameless plug for your blogspot on http://www.myspace.com.
Lincee –
Great work — sooo comforting to know you’ll add some yuks to Tuesday!
Did anyone notice that McHottie only has one adjective in his back pocket - that being “AMAZING”?
Lastly, at the casino I swear I saw smoke streaming up as if someone had a lit ciggie on the table? Was that Canada?
Soooo Funny!!! I have been reading the recaps for several seasons now. Actually I just read the recaps for one of the seasons and never even watched the show! I would probably pay to read your recap it is sooo funny!
I wish some of the people that get on this show would read your recaps, I just can’t take the poems, they are like watching a train wreck. Anyway can’t wait for next week!
Holy Crap… this is funny! I couldn’t get past the ’smitten kitten’ either!!
Just to help you out anonymous from 9:27…it was Moana smoking a cigar at the casino.
Alright, I found your blog because I was trying to explain how impressive “Hot Susan” was to a friend who hadn’t seen the show. Only one choice for Travis, that’s for sure. Other girls are trying to submarine her for wanting to be an actress? So what! He’s The Bachelor, for crissakes. Is he on the show because he couldn’t get a real date? Uh, no. He probably wants to be a TV Doctor. Heck, ABC’s Dr. Tim Johnson should be retiring soon. What better replacement for the network? Anyway, Hot Susan is the one. Beautiful midwestern girl from Overland Park, KS who isn’t catty and seems quite intelligent. Don’t mess it up Dr. McH.
Yes, I’m a straight guy who watches The Bachelor. Ashamed? Not at all. Lots of things to be learned by watching the circus.
Keep up the good work, Lincee. Episode 3 recap was your best work yet.
“She scours the woods for some hemp.” Hahahahahahahaha!
Did anyone else notice….was Moana smoking a cigar??
OOpps..I guess if I would have read all the way to the bottom, I would have seen that someone else asked the cigar question!!
so may comments, it took me forever to read through them. Lincee, keep up the great work, you are awesome. Props to all the other boys that read, Straight guys #1 and #3, and BFF Paul. and to whoever asked, I think that “Be-Fri” is short for “Best Friend”.
can’t wait for the next one.
It is because of your recaps that I watch the show! Thanks for making me laugh every week. I think ABC would love to have you on the show - you could be the ‘down to earth’ that can help the other girls realize how pathetic they are.
Lincee……you rock!! love you girl….thanks for the laughs!
TTF….Barnes
How did you like my gay TTF??? That was just for you!!
I have to say without a doubt, this is the funniest thing I have EVER read. I, myself have been blessed with the gift of sarcastic humor and I am pleased that after all these years of fwd’ing your emails, you are still holdin’ it down. I thought I was good, but GIRL…
Thanks Lincee, you are PRICELESS!
I like that your ads on the top of your blog are 1-800-dentist and Christian Bale.
I am dying laughing! this is great!
is anyone else curious what Susan and Travis talked about for their three hour car ride besides the fact that neither of them speak a lick of french….
Lincee,
I’ve been reading (and not caring for my children properly while doing so) for several seasons. Even wrote you to share holiday oreo/ candy freshness trivia, thinking I was the smartest person in the world, finally an outlet for usless theories. Only to find that I was one of 21,000 to respond. As a new mom I have lost my mind and all contact with reality, proof was when I wrote a couple of years ago and said I can’t believe you don’t work for CBS (yes CBS). Anyway got Tivo, and noggin (preschool television) so now I get to watch after putting kidos to bed, ff, slow motion, and most importantly have time to read the recap the next day (thanks to noggin). Me and the other stroller pushin moms hang on your every word because we had just illuded to the same things that morning at the park. (i.e Sarah always sounding like she is “holdin the smoke”) We can’t get enough! Did you ever think your target audience would be so broad? Everything from overly self proclaimed straight guys to soccer moms. Thats when you know your talented!!!!!!!!! Love cutting out the middle man and going straight to the web site. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Lyncee…funny girl. In fact, I don’t think we should disregard the power of a funny girl (even though my son says there are no funny girls). MoWannaB is growing on me. Her line after perusing the rings and choosing the big rock, “I’m as shallow as a kiddy pool,” had me bloop-bloop-blooping the TiVo to make sure I heard right. Now that is funny. MoWannaB may be scratching her way up.
I am peeing in my pants!! I love the lines “they are a nine foot couple squeezing into a clown car”. How about the dancing part. I was peeing because I felt the exact same way, like please don’t push your hands up in the air one more time. How about the fact that Red ALWAYS tries to sabotage any alone time he has with any of the girls, how pathetic is she???
Thaks for the recaps Lincee. I actually look forward to Tuesday, when I am on the train heading to work all i can think about is - I hope Lincee has the recap. I actually love Move Over Moana. The show won’t be the same without her. We need her on show. I am glad Low Shiloh is gone couldn’t take her complaining. Can’t wait for next week.
Awesome! Love your list of 9 things… very informative & funny! love it!
Thanks BFF Paul!
Good God, Save me! I am a 59 year old retired lawyer who comes to Lincee by way of marriage to a hot Andrews and Kurth lawyer who lovingly forwards terrific commentaries by email. I am not supposed to be watching The Bachelor at all! I am not supposed to be crying and laughing with tears in my eyes at the same time reading Lincee’s commentary. I am not supposed to shamelessly look forward to watching The Bachelor (on TiVo) so I can read Lincee’s commentary and think it’s right up there with Jon Stewart’s news commentaries. I am not supposed to be laughing so hard it hurts an old guy!
But, I do, I am. Help me. This is too good! Completely hilarious. Yikes, did I admit to all that?
John B.
YouI’m just jealous that I work for a big oil company, and I don’t get a pink hard hat.
Keep up the hard work….we’re counting on you!
So glad you have the site now. Am moving out of the country and will have only your recap to keep me posted on the show.
Am I the only one who can’t stand the way Sarah the Stoner talks. She’s like a vantriliquist! She talks thru her teeth!
The only time she opens her mouth is when her tongue is attacking McHottie!
LOVE THE BLOG!
Just watched last night and came on here to read the recap (I’m all about not spoiling these days) and I guess I was channeling you b/c I said the same thing when he started to dance, “please don’t do the overbite, oh and there it goes” such a shame. Straight guys out there, is that a nervous thing that guys do when dancing? I’ve always been curious about that!! Anyway, great recap as usual Lincee, thanks for your hysterical wit and humor that we all seem to relate to!! Especially the 6 yr. old appetite, w/Dr. Pepper and Pringles, I could not stop laughing b/c I’m right there w/ya!!
Oh and to poster “jenn @4:04″ — thanks for the reminder of LYLAS!! Talk about 80’s memories!!
Thanks, can’t wait for next week!
White man’s overbite…excellent When Harry Met Sally reference!
Seriously, your recap is the only reason to get out of bed on Tuesdays. One of your all time best. Love your taste in shows. Grey’s is the ultimate way to end Sunday. Love the new Love Monkey as well.
Have to agree about Christian Bale not only is he a unbelievable talent but HOT! SO underused by Hollywood. Batman was amazing. I rate him up there with Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge!
This has got to be the best blog ever…let’s hope ABC puts Lincee on the women tell all show just so she can “bless her heart” all of the rejects….start with Doctor Nutso and move on to Bubba Teeth!
Hey Lincee - not sure if you have previously been privy to this information, but if you’d like to flashback to episode 1 and comment on your fellow Baylor alum Cortney who although listed as a “law clerk” has also had a starring movie role. Soft core. Agent February. 12 Hot Women. check it out…12hotwomen.com. Go Bears. I was so disappointed that she got the boot so that she couldn’t be the latest Bachelor scandal.
The Baylor girl that was kicked off the first show was Courtney (she lives in LA now or something.) We were surprised Lincee didn’t mention her because I believe they were in the same sorority.
We party @ Pattis with peach schnapps and chamgagne at each & every Bachelor epsiode..then we go home and hope to hear from Lincee..so glad we found you
polka dots and all. Your hilarious recaps are better than
the show..abc should send you a huge check!
Awesome - although apparently I was high too since I don’t remember this joint session. Explains the finger to mouth issue. Oh well - we’ll assumme you were kidding since I didn’t read every single word here and skipped the disclaimer.
On another note - glad to see that there is someone else in the world who has loved Christian for as long as I have. Go Newsies!! And - after the Machinist which was not his hottest time - I almost died during Batman. Hello Batboy - come to my cave!
Lincee, you are hilarious and are truly able to call it like it is! You’re wicked genius! Keep it up!
If you ever need a new BFF- I’ll be it in a heartbeat. You are the funniest person alive, hands down.
I think we would be friends…
Lincee - I’ve been reading your recaps since Firestone - you are hysterical. Seriously, what are you doing in the pink hard hat? You have a career writing & entertaining!! I think Jimmy Kimmel should be calling soon! Keep up the great work & I hope you are feeling better soon.
Lincee, I have always admired, laughed and maybe even once peed my pants while reading the recaps. Love them. You read my mind a lot.
Anywho, I am a bit disappointed that LOST is not one of the “must see” shows on your list. If you haven’t seen it, get Season 1 and catch up. It’s amazing and you’ll have so much more to say than you ever thought possible. But beware, it’s like a drug.
In the meantime, keep the recaps coming. I look forward to the day after every time!
Oh yeah, is your name pronouned like Lindsey? Often wondered.
One more thing, we need a picture on the bio page.
I am waiting for you to get discovered and write the next great.. show, book or even host it yourself. In fact- I think you should take over hosting responsibilites. C. Harrison is good but getting a bit tiresome- you could at least host the next Bachelorette! Can I be you agent?
I am waiting for you to get discovered and write the next great.. show, book or even host it yourself. In fact- I think you should take over hosting responsibilites. C. Harrison is good but getting a bit tiresome- you could at least host the next Bachelorette! Can I be your agent?
Lincee, love the blog. add Love Monkey to your TIVO. It’s adorable and funny, and I can’t get enough of Tom Cavanaugh.
Also, to the person who told you to shorten your column and change your name, I have one thing to say-unlike LINCEE, you are about as much fun as a kick to the head.
lovin’ your recaps. i was trying to put my finger on what was wrong with student sarah, and you said it… pothead. hehe
you should apply to be on the show, and then blog as a SPY. ooooooo…
No, Lincee and the Baylor Bachelorette, Cortney, were not in the same sorority. Cortney was KKG and Lincee Pi Phi.
aaron spelling will be calling soon. just watch.
FYI BACHELOR FANS: There are pictures of Dr. McHottie floating around in emails. I got it today he has shoulder length hair(like Sam’s boyfriend on Sex in the City did). He looks pretty damn hot still! His friends from the show were in the picture
Lincee - first time “poster”, long time reader. The recaps are absolutely the best!!!!
Did anyone notice that “Red” has to wear a green item in almost every scene; green sweater, green pashmina, lime green dress, and then the green shorts on the boat.
Love the recaps!!
Great to know someone else liked Christian Bale back in Newsies! Thought I was the only one.
Lincee, me again, stroller pushin mom used to live a small town like you did, now moved back to the “city”. (Been on the “list” for a few years & that makes me feel special) Just so darn proud of you that I put the kids to bed and came back to spend guilt-free time reading the love being sent to you from around the U.S. I have come to several conclusions… 1) we all know that you could step into our circle of friends and fit in imediately, yes you must be exactly like a lot of us. Apparently we are (collectively) a freakin funny bunch. 2)NO ONE SHOULD BRING THIS MUCH JOY TO THIS MANY PEOPLE FOR FREE!! You simply must find a way to make $$$ off of this. At least enough to get a bachelorette pad with a kickin hot tub, lifetime supply of fresh oreos and still warm pringles, perfectly located in front of a huge TV. Which brings me to 3)I too have noticed that you no longer refer to ESPN watchin, hubby Chris that you holler to in the other room. None of my business… but I understand if you did what you had to in order to be involved on the next bachelor. Now #4) I have been questioning the chest beating, “straight” guys, why are they so worried (what would a gay man find attractive about 25 women in fabulous shoes fighting for 1 super hot man? Nevermind) but now it is all clear SG#3 is (married or not) your soul mate. McWhiteydance HANZEL AND GRETTLE SHORTS, and Boys to Men circa 19??. Too much! He may just be the male version of Lincee!
Love that everyone is loving you!
Just have to tell you that this is a hoot! I remember the days of when I would get an email from a friend of a friend with your ‘recap’. Loved it then, love it now. Also, great forum to give advice on TV shows, movies, etc. You are so funny- please keep it up!
Just have to tell you that this is a hoot! I remember the days of when I would get an email from a friend of a friend with your ‘recap’. Loved it then, love it now. Also, great forum to give advice on TV shows, movies, etc. You are so funny- please keep it up!
Let’s all petition to replace Chris with Lincee! If I have to watch him step up one more time and tell McHottie “Travis… this is your last rose…” as if the SINGLE ROSE in front of him isn’t enough to give it away???@#!!$^%#&… Lincee at least you could pop in some funny little blurb that will make them all laugh rather than extend the (albeit f u n n y) drama drama drama! You Rock Girl! Remember us when you get a book deal- I for one CAN NOT wait to read it
Love your recaps and I have to admit - when you were talking about Bob and Rebecca I thought you were talking about the previous bachelor as well… seriously - I might need more hobbies!
if you love christian bale, you must see the movie laurel canyon! great movie.
Too funny! That you for the laughs!
Okay, I’m glad it bugs other people that the girl pronounces her name Mowana! It makes me think of the Friends episode where Monica becomes pals with the girl that stole her identity and tells her that her name is Monana!! Her name is totally Moana, but she’s trying to be exotic with the whole Mowana thing.
Oh, and Red’s ALWAYS drunk.
Why do the bachelors always choose the youngest “girl” with whom they have NOTHING in common. Travis is going to end up just like Formerly Fat Bachelor Bob and Third String QB Jesse Palmer.
P.S. Was the Bob and Rebecca that Lincee referred to Bob Guiney and Rebecca Budig???
Lincee, I always knew you were funny, but this is absolutely hysterical! I can’t help but laugh out loud! I remember Sing practices when you would get on us about how we shouldn’t “Whoo-hoo” in unison. And, for the record, I got the Newsies DVD for Christmas to replace the VHS I had worn out.
Lincee,
This is your host, or former host as it looks like you may be taking my job soon. Just know that no matter how many good lines you come up with the only thing that will end up on the air is this really boring person who says really, really stupid things like this is your final rose tonight.
Despite the fact that you’ll soon be taking food out of my kids mouths I am very impressed with your blog. I would love to have you and a friend be my guest at the Women Tell All reunion show. If you can find your way to LA I will have you front row center for the show. I used my investigative reporting talents (okay I was a sportscaster) and tracked down your info. I’ll be in touch soon with all the details. Nothin but love for you and your site.
My gosh, you’re hysterical. Please keep it up. And I really like Mowanna. I like her for 2 reasons: 1)she’s the most realistic (seriously, who falls in love and knows this guy through and through after talking to him for 3 minutes with thick champagne goggles on) and 2)she’s driving all the crazies even crazier.
Can’t wait for next week!
Lincee - I’m home sick today and just stumbled on your website through the Bach boards. As everyone else says - you are absolutely off the chart funny. I was laughing so hard my dog thought I was crying and came over to give me a big kiss!!aaaawwwwwww.
After reading all the girls bios and watching the show, I think Moana and Susan will be the final two. Both are intelligent, classy and beautiful. I think he’s just playing around with O Canada cuz he can, but when it comes down to it, he will choose someone who can have a real conversation with him and might even have a clue where Duke U is.
One thing that I haven’t seen a comment on is what was up with Shiloh’s hair? Especially at the casino? Bless her heart.
And I think McH’s “are you a sexual being” comment has to go down in the Bachelor history as one of the top 10 worst questions ever asked!
Thanks again!
oh-fricken-wow! you crack me up! keep it up!
Lincee - seriously, Host Chris is extending you a personal invitation to be front and center on the women tell all! That is too cool… and if you have a hard time finding “that friend” to take with you, let me know!!!
Hi Lincee. My whole office gets together on Monday nights to watch the bachelor and we love seeing your recaps. We somehow ended up on your original lists from a few seasons back. The names on the forward list got so long that the hospital we work for started blocking them out. We are so excited that you have your own blog now! I wish that ABC would ask you to come and interview the girls and decide who goes on the one on one dates. Your humor and whit make watching the show so fun. Keep up the good writing.
Chris Harrison is the coolest person ever.
Missy: ring ching ching
Bob and Rebecca are my dear rocket scientist friends in the Houston Area. Let’s think back and remember if Bachelor Bob had any rocket scientist qualities. I’m going with no.
Still loving my straight guys! Keep the posts coming.
Also loving my stroller Moms.
Thanks to everyone for your posts. We are up to 35,608 people who have visited the website. That is crazy. Absolutely crazy.
Love your recaps. Keep them coming.
Oh my gosh…please say that you are going to go to L.A. for that show…how cool would that be? Seriously.
And Chris Harrison…you totally bring the funny in the outtakes on the finales…it is clearly a case of editing.
I have to second anynomous at 2:15.
Lincee, you have to, have to, have to go to LA!!! ABC ratings for “the women tell all” would go through the roof. We would all tune in.
Chris, it is very obvious that you have a great sense of humor also. Your outtakes are always funny. I bet you cringe too when you hear yourself say, “Travis…This is the last rose”.
This blog is great. I am so happy for the endless hours of entertainment. I love it!!!!
Lincee,
Wondering if you would start doing some Lisa Loeb #1 Single recaps…lots of her childhood friends read your Bachelor recaps and now we’d love and find it amusing to read Lisa Loeb recaps by YOU! Sunday nights on E!…check her out!
lincee- first time responder here.
major kudos for your web site girl. I must say that your bff needs to switch your dots to something besides KHAKI and GREEN, like PINK. I seriously thought a gay boy wrote this stuff for the longest time (until I read your blog from episode one or whatever). Anyway, I am sore from doing pilates and therefore cannot read any more of your stuff b/c you are just too funny. Keep it up and have fun.
ALSO- There is something to be said for older guys who date much younger girls that fit the formula (1/2 their age plus 7) In Travis’s case, that would be 24 to Travis’s 34. My, my, aren’t some of the lovely ladies 24? I thought so. Ewwwww.
Okay, out of 35,000+ people (fans, no doubt!) surely we could all “chip in” for the plane trip to L.A. That’s the least we could do for Lincee after all she has done for us! we could like set up an acct. or something! Anyone got a zillion or so AA miles willing to donate??? Or one of the stroller mom’s hubbies???
Lincee-Love you, love your blog, love your humor, love that I will see you on the Tell-All-Show and please wear your pink hard hat. I know I will love it too.
p.s. Chris H. have to say that I love you too. I think you’re funny and I hope your kids eat well tonight!!
p.s.s. Straight guy #3, I think I may love you too! Keep up the comments!!!!
people, people, people, I really do not think that it was the REAL Host Chris Harrison this time…didn’t you see the title ‘Chris H Former Host’? I found the person that posted that to be very sarcastic… I would LOVE to see Lincee in LA as a co-host as much as the rest of you… but I just don’t think he was the real guy.
I believe it is him….he was saying “former host” as a joke because so many people on here are lobbying for Lincee to replace him…
Anonymous 5:14,
We’ll just have to wait and see. I so truely want to believe (:
My world is small!!
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. Straight guy #3, great info and I totally agree!
First of all - Lincee…loved your previous work…loved episode 3 recap…can’t wait until next week.
Secondly - I’d like to suggest a challenge to “chris H the former host” - I don’t think any of us can wait until the reunion show…something…a kernal of information…something we can’t get from the previews for next week…
Third - I like Tennesse, because she has a niave hope that is really endearing. At the same time, I wonder - what did she really think she was getting into? Did she think that all the girls were going to be nice, smiley, mary sunshine to everyone? This is reality TV!
Fourth - I know i’m not going to be popular, but I like Moana…way to be saucy! She keeps me watching to see how she’s going to be messing with everyone…wait, who am I kidding - I’m watching because i’m a HUGE FAN of LINCEE’s RECAP!
I’ve sunk to a new low… have read your recaps, Lincee, since the beginning, and love the new site, but now also read all the messages and just went to the abc bachelor message board and read all of those too!!!(lots of bloggers there guessing that Sarah Tenn. gets the final rose). Yup, I’m pitiful!! But wouldn’t all of us junk-food-loving, Grey’s Anatomy fans have a great girls weekend at the beach??!! Ya know, the author of the Sweet Potato Queen books has a similar sense of humor… and she’s made a fortune and had fun doing it… good luck to you!
I am so jealous of you Lincee…you have such ways with words- the reason I keep watching grown women make fools of themselves on national television for a chance with “true love” is to read your recaps. Your recaps make the show that much more amusing. Without you, the Bachelor would be nothing! I thank you, and I thank the countless women who keep applying to the show- bless their hearts, all of them- drunks, stoners, poets, etc. One day, too, I hope to become a smitten kitten. What exactly is that??
Lincee, you’re office cohort has you to thank for getting me to watch the bachelor. Showed me the blog and you are absolutely hilarious. Really want to meet you soon. One request… next “movie day” make sure ya’ll don’t see something I want to! Keep my girl in line.
FYI - It looks as if this is the real Chris H.
NON-INTERESTING FACT ALERT!!
Chris and I graduated from the same high school.
Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
Lincee-
Take your pink hard hat with you to LA! We’ll watch for you at the Tell All! I’m convinced Chris H. is who he says he is-I’m an optimist, what can I say. And, I need to justify why I have abandoned my two children for hours during the day to read all the comments and scour the web for more Bachelor info.
Is there a 1-800 Bachelor’s addict line? I must call it. Seriously.
Can’t wait for the Tell All! Do ya’ll think it will be THE Most Dramatic Tell All EVER?!
Oh, and BFF Paul-you continue to impress!
To BFF Paul..so you are a LHHS grad? Me too! Class of 1989 with the host Chris H.
You heard it here first, I’m calling dibs on president of the “We Love Lincee and The Bachelor Recap” fan club!!! May you reign supremely…especially on the SOUTHSIDE!!!
Okay, who is in charge of the ads on Lincee’s blogs? Now there is the same toothache ad and now one for Christian Bale….What a hoot!
Yes, I am a wildcat (or was one, I guess), anonymous at 7:41, but I’m somewhat of a young gun, class of ‘99.
And the ads are chosen by Google’s adsense. They basically scan the blog and predict what people reading it might like to buy, hence the toothache and Christian Bale. Obviously, this is not a perfect system.
BFF Paul…You are a baby!!! 1999! Wow! And I wasn’t knocking the ads, I think they are hilarious! I think Lincee may have ressurected Christian’s career!
What kind of drugs did they give you after the root canal? I want some. You make me laugh, well, so do those girls, but it’s more fun to sit back and watch them provide you with great material. Thanks for sharing.
Welcome to the wonderful world of technology Lincee! Kudos to BFF Paul for making this possible. Anyway, the hubby and I are thrilled to know you are still around. We’ve been laughing and cringing alongside you since the Firestone days. Keep it up!
OMG…have you ever “googled” your name + bachelor recaps? That’s amusing. (I thought I saved your page as a fave & couldn’t find it–I had to email my H-town buds to get the link again!) You’re famous and we love you…can you get us all into the Academy Awards? (Oh hush….you know you’ll be doing red carpet interviews soon. Star is gone and Debbie Mattenshutupolis was the WORST!!) As Jack Ingram says, “Keep on keepin’ on!”
The only reason I watch this show is to read these recaps. So funny. Hope your tooth is feeling better.
Sweetness…seriously…front row invite to catfight haven?…Right on! Represent H-town girl! Keep up the great literature!
I have to disagree with “Scott”, when he made the comment about “hot Susan” Beautiful? Yes. An aspiring actress? Yes, but good luck. Intelligent? If you call speaking like you are reading from a cue card excerpts from Saved By the Bell ( which I have to admit I watch in the morning…note to self, maybe I should check my intelligence). She has absolutely No personality.
I think she probably has a great chance , but Kelly Kapowski is NO Einstein. Love the Recaps, Lincee, im a long time reader. no offense Scott, Im sure you are a really good person.
Shout out to one of my BFF’s Straight Guy #3~!!!
Anonymous said…
I have to disagree with “Scott”, when he made the comment about “hot Susan” Beautiful? Yes. An aspiring actress? Yes, but good luck. Intelligent? If you call speaking like you are reading from a cue card excerpts from Saved By the Bell ( which I have to admit I watch in the morning…note to self, maybe I should check my intelligence). She has absolutely No personality.
I think she probably has a great chance , but Kelly Kapowski is NO Einstein. Love the Recaps, Lincee, im a long time reader. no offense Scott, Im sure you are a really good person.
Shout out to one of my BFF’s Straight Guy #3~!!!
2:53 PM
I’ve never watched the show but just reading this makes me want to watch next week. This is some funny shit!
FYI I found Lincee’s recaps of the “Kush” season and for all of you that read and enjoyed the recaps then, they are still SERIOUSLY hilarious now. For all of you that have recently discovered our dear Lincee–enjoy a bit of what some of us have been able to enjoy during past seasons. Glad you are here–stick around–she only gets funnier as the season narrows (:
Thanks Lincee!!
http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/forum/archive/o_t__t_31352__bachelor-recaps.html
Okay, so I was reading your blog, and I thought, am I writing this?? All of you picks for t.v, movies, etc. where right on. I have been reading your recaps for several seasons now, and it is nice to have your site. Keep up the great work!! You make me laugh everytime I read this, and I hide under my blanket as well, and yell at them not to make fools of themselves. Funny how they do not hear us and continue to make total those ever fatal mistakes.
Oklahomans love you too! (Despite your Texas roots.)
Hey Lincee! My friends and I have been reading since Firestone. I believe your recap had been forwarded about 10-15 times before it reached me. And then, of course, I kept it going as well.
Your recaps make watching the show worth it!
The ladies and I from my previous job made it a ritual to sit around my pc every week while I read your recap aloud. (We found it more fun than reading it individually.) In this way we could cuss & discuss how we agreed that you always were writing what we were thinking in the most hilariously described manner.
We all feel that we know you personally. Take care of yourself and thank you for all of the seasons of entertainment!
Nice one, Lincee! Although, gotta say…I love Moana! She reminds me of Trish from back in the Jesse Palmer days. I loved it when she came back from bringing him coffee in bed, got the rose, and the other girls jumped her ass about her “feelings for him”- Suckaaahhhs! Just because she isn’t getting hammered and throwing herself at him (can’t stand Red, now…Good Gracious)And Susan can take her Pantene Pro-V ass back to acting school- those cheesy lines are terrible!!! Sorry about the root canal- been there, it’s terrible! Keep up the good work and thanks for the laughs!
Nice one, Lincee! Although, gotta say…I love Moana! She reminds me of Trish from back in the Jesse Palmer days. I loved it when she came back from bringing him coffee in bed, got the rose, and the other girls jumped her ass about her “feelings for him”- Suckaaahhhs! Just because she isn’t getting hammered and throwing herself at him (can’t stand Red, now…Good Gracious)And Susan can take her Pantene Pro-V ass back to acting school- those cheesy lines are terrible!!! Sorry about the root canal- been there, it’s terrible! Keep up the good work and thanks for the laughs!
I’m still confused on why the girls are so troubled by Susan’s motives of being an actress… It obviously makes much more sense to go on national television with the motive of finding a husband than of becoming an actress!
you are so stinkin’ funny!!! i was starting to think that my husband and i were the only ones that sarah was smoking out off camera! glad we’re in good company…hope you’re recovering from the root canal well - can’t wait to hear from you next tues.!
I love Lincee
you are ridiculously funny. Love your blog. Hope you are feeling better.
Lincee, I wanted to let you and all your fans know that I totally back up your suggestion to watch Roll Bounce… I watched it twice in two days. It is great and i plan to get more and more to watch it.
Thanks for your fabulous insights.
J
I am so glad you saw the BIG TONGUE too! OMG! I was thinking he was going to CHOKE right in front of our very eyes! I am also glad tonight is SUNDAY so that I get to watch Dr. MCDREAMY…Thanks for writing and root canals do suck! Heather
…Ok, so I agree with the DVR thing….it’s a must have, especially for reality TV show junkee’s with kids. I have been reading your Bachelor updates for years now, I think since the first time you wrote one. I am one of those friend of a friend of a soririty sister’s co-worker that ended up getting these forwards years ago. Kudos to you, I only watch this horrendous show now because of the recaps. It’s a train wreck - can’t help but watch and read. Anyway, I saw another posting asking this question, but curiousity has gotten to me and I must ask again (you see, people like me who don’t know you at all, feel that they know you through the years by reading your recaps!) Are you still married? There used be a true distinction between Host Chris and Husband Chris and I’m not seeing that anymore. Plus new job and a BFF named Paul- maybe you have had a change in life. Becoming famous does change things, look at Jessica and Nick, what a shame! One thing’s for sure, you have NOT lost your sense of humor….
Chris really was a sportscaster, so I really think this guy must be Chris. He used to do sports on the OKC news!! You definitely need to go Lincee. So cool!
BFF Paul- Please oh please can we have pink polka dots for Lincee’s recaps? I love you and I love Lincee. Thanks in advance!
Lincee,
Happy watching tonight! I can hardly wait for the humiliation to begin!!! Bff Paul…ditto on the pink polka dots!!! Us Texas gals like HOT pink!!!
Okay…its 1/2 hour before the show and does anyone else think that Mowana is really McHottie’s friend and is there to help him out? I may be wrong…but I just think that.
I am so nervous/excited to find out about the “big secret”. She 1) Has been married at least once before
2) Has a kid or more
3) Plays for the “other” team and has a thing for Ms. Tennesse
also, I know you all watched Grey’s last night and saw the preview for next week. What is a “code-black”. A bomb, ebola, help–I don’t know hospital lingo–
Thanks Lincee!!
2 things-Mowana and Tara should hit the road-unfortunately I’m afraid they will get roses!
I did see Grey’s last night-so good…I think Code Black is when a hospital is full of patients and is closed—that’s my guess-but I haven’t googled it or anything :).
Re: Grey’s Anatomy…I read on a message board that “code black” means a bomb threat…
OK watched the show, never saw a “doobie”, but that is so it she is fried! Broke out my own vomit bucket brigade this evening (1/31), my bucket is monogrammed, jealous? Has to be, I too am from Tennessee, we monogram everything you know? HA!
Is it possible, at all that you have a twin that you were separated from at birth? Just wondering… I too have a many a 80’s flash back and long