iHateGreenBeans

The Final Rose

Let’s face it. Were we really surprised that he picked Nashville? Let the record show that I never wavered. I did not get sucked in to the magic of ABC editing and believe that he was going to pick Mowana. Therefore, I must rule all.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Website count: 153,137

ABC decides to stretch one hour of juicy material into two hours of torturous, uncomfortable, “bless his heart” moments of McHottie trying to make out Nashville as if they were not first cousins. There was one “kissing” shot where they ALMOST kept the little chunks of last night’s fajitas (thank you Jill) from rising in my throat. You remember it, right? The one ABC insisted on playing OVER and OVER and OVER again because they had nothing else to prove these two kids were in love? Luckily, I had a margarita (thank you Bob) to wash down my dinner…and keep my food in my stomach where it belonged. (Forgot to take my bucket to the watching party.)

We begin the end of this journey with McHottie’s parents (he insists on continuously calling them Roger and Donna), sister, brother-in-law and two nieces arriving at the castle in Paris. They’ve come over to check out the girls and help McHottie decide who to pick.

Roger and Donna are normal parents. They are concerned for their son. They’ve watched him go through high school, college, medical school, etc. and want him to find his one true love. According to Roge, finding his soul mate is the most important decision he will ever make. McHottie tells Roger and Donna that they will tour Paris while the rest of them go to a McDonald’s playground to meet Nashville.

We find Nashville at a small table with colors and markers, doodling Mrs. Nashville McHottie in pink with hearts surrounding. She meets the family, connects with the girls immediately and is whisked away by the sister. They have a deep conversation. Nashville says that her brother is hot. Sister thinks Nashville is a sweetheart.

And for some reason, Nashville forgets that she’s already made a fool of herself once before and decides to do the “Ah Tootie Tah” dance with the nieces. She’s a kindergarten teacher. Surely…SURELY she has more tricks than the Ah Tootie Tah dance!

Fortunately, one niece thinks she is cool and tells the ABC camera that she likes Nashville’s voice.

Meanwhile, we find McHottie in the pit of colored balls with his sister drinking beer. If I had a quarter for every time I wished I could drink beer in a ball pit with my sister…I’d be a rich woman.

McHottie gives Nashville a few straight lipped pecks and we are off to meet Roger and Donna.

Roger is a simple man. Roger doesn’t watch The Bachelor like we do. He has confused it with Survivor and asks his son if the woman wins a million dollars if picked. This is when I fell in love with Roge. What a guy!

Donna is a simple woman. She wants her family to be happy. And when she hears that they may be happy, Donna cries. And when Donna cries…the sister cries. And since this whole scenario is a chance for two girls talk lovingly about how much they are smitten kittens with Donna’s son…there was a lot of crying at dinner, before dinner, after dinner, etc.

Roger and Donna take Nashville into another room and ask about McHottie meeting her parents. Nashville was an emotional train wreck and nervously laughed the entire time. Then Donna started crying.

They return to the dinner table and McHottie talks about how he just wants to go home. And then Donna and the sister start crying.

I look around at the group. Did we miss something? Why are they crying? I don’t get it?

McHottie walks Nashville out to her car, kisses her like he’s a dead fish, and returns inside to dish. Roger thinks she has great goals and is wonderful. Donna cries. Sister cries. Brother-in-law says that it will be hard to meet Mowana and not think about Nashville.

McHottie becomes VERY defensive at this statement and pleads with Roger and Donna to keep an open mind. He says that Mowana is slightly different that Nashville.

Slightly different? I ask as I raise one eyebrow…

Next up is Mowana. Oh Mowana. There she is reading poetry so she can recite random romantic catch phrases to Donna and Roge.

Picture it. We’re at a zoo. Mo tells the sister that she is pushing the end of a long journey (blah) and that she draws a level of comfort (vomit) from McHottie. Sister starts crying. Mo says that France was a turning point in her life (give me a break) and that she found a major part of herself in McHottie (please) and they both are handed Kleenex from the intern.

The brother-in-law asks if she is tied to the OC. She says no and he encourages her to move to Fort Worth. Because there are so many mountains there…

Meanwhile, the ABC intern has the niece over in a corner and demands that she draws pictures of both Nashville and Mo. He promises her a My Little Pony and sack full of gummy bears if she draws hearts and an arrow pointing to Mo.

McHottie takes his bro-in-law aside and asks what he thinks Donna and Roger will think of Mo. Bro-in-law says both ladies are smart, good-looking and warm.

McHottie meets up with Mo, hugs her goodbye and she gives him a flirtatious wink before leaving.

Later, McHottie prepares Donna and Roger for Mo’s visit. He wants them to be honest but open minded. Donna looks bored.

Mo arrives with the famous hump in her pony tail. She double talks through a ton of questions from Donna and Roger. For instance:

“What do you like about our son?”
Mo: Something reached out to me and touched me.

“How was the home town date with your parents?”
Mo: I value their opinion.

“How did you feel about Travis on your dates?”
Mo: I felt nothing on the first date. The second date, there was a self discovery.

“What do you like about Travis?”
Mo: It’s not my character to answer that question.

Seriously. What a wank! It is at this point that our watching party starts yelling at the TV. It was great. We kept waiting for her to speak. Nothing. SILENCE. I literally had a conversation with Rebecca, who was sitting next to me, that lasted I’m sure five minutes. Mo sits with a smug look on her face…determined not to break. Finally, she gives a token Walt Whitman answer and states, “I never encountered another person who has looked at me…known nothing about me…and found myself.”

Roger and I aren’t buying it. Sister and Donna may be crying, but Roger and I need more answers.

They take Mo to the isolation room and ask…AGAIN…what do you like about our son.

Irritatingly, she answers…”Lots of things” with an annoying smile.

Roge doesn’t back down. “I have a hard time understanding what you like about Travis.”

Mo detects frustration in Roger’s voice and decides now is the time to break out the Academy Award winning soliloquy that she has been practicing for weeks.

ABC starts the dramatic music. ABC intern is at the light switch ready to fade on cue. Mo begins:

“I am a human being. When I look into McHottie’s eyes, I see my soul looking back…and it ROCKS me to my core. I’m a solid person. I can’t explain my feelings. They are too pure to understand. Where it goes from here is out of my hands.”

And here come the water works from Donna. Mo is so DEEP. She is so IN LOVE. She’s not crazy at ALL!

Poor Sister. She is crying too. But her tears are tears of frustration. She LOVES Mo. But there is no connection there.

McHottie is concerned. Sister and Roger aren’t buying it. He feels they didn’t see the fun-loving Mo. The Mo that jumps off boats and rides jet skis fast. The Mo that surfs and wins bike races. She gave me her heart and soul…

SHOPPING
This was pretty boring if you ask me. The Moms came to shop for Final Rose dresses and wedding rings. The funniest part was Nashville’s Mom reading off of cue cards and how she told her daughter that her dress wasn’t too sparkly.

Tennis with Nashville
Nashville’s last date is involves getting her butt handed to her on the tennis court. We all agreed that she looked cute in her little skirt. Good thing she remembered to bring that to Paris.

She gets takeout for McHottie and they eat on fluffy pillows on the floor. Anyone notice the recycled chinchilla from dates before? I did.

Nashville tells McHottie that if she had a list of qualities she wanted in a boyfriend, he would be it. He looks down. She says she is glad that he is here. McHottie continues to look down and says, “thank you.”

It is at this point that my fellow viewers began to waver. HE’S LOOKING DOWN! HE DIDN’T SAY HE WAS HAPPY TO BE THERE TOO! HE LOOKS HURT!

Nashville presses on. McHottie is obviously trying to nap, and she is talking up a storm.

“Do you know how much I like you?”
McHottie answers with a head nod.

“Because I don’t want you to leave if you don’t know.”
McHottie treats her like a four-year-old and whispers for her to just enjoy the moment.

“I don’t want you to leave…”
McHottie interrupts her thought process with his signature finger over the lips move that he demonstrated on Stoner Sarah. Then he pulls a “Mowana” and says, “It’s not about that. It’s about this.”

Brilliant. I’m using that one.

Cooking with Mowana
Mowana finds solitude in cooking. She loves to cook. She cooked in the house. McHottie remembers this and decides to open up a huge can of worms and ask her about the house. This concerns him. In fact…he is perplexed.

“Why did they hate you?” he asks as he stirs his tea with a nine-inch butcher knife.

Mo is smart. She’s manipulative. She decides to turn on herself and valiantly take the blame: “I was shocked that I saw my soul in you. I didn’t have any expectations. I was just along for the adventure and free trip to Paris. Unfortunately, I found myself here…in your guts…and am looking to see where this journey takes us.”

Signature wink.

They eat dinner. She spouts out another homily of the wonder that is McHottie:
1. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.
2. I know who you are.
3. I now know why I came here…you
4. You gave me a piece of myself, therefore I will be content
5. I want you
6. I don’t need but would like to be in your life
7. You get me and understand who I am
8. Glad I got to share this with you

Now that’s a recipe for some serious attraction ladies and gentleman. Fatal attraction.

Rose Ceremony

The day has come. McHottie is staring at pictures of the final two girls sitting next to a Zeus statue on a mantle. Both girls are journaling. Very Bachelor to journal I’ve learned. McHottie picks out a ring. The girls get hair and makeup done. Mo does some neck massages in the limo. She steps out of the car and flashes her right boob to all of America. Chris Harrison tries not to laugh.

She enters the room. McHottie is scared for his life. All sharp objects have been put away and the candles have been extinguished. He tells Mo that he was intrigued by her mystery, many layers and amazing connection.

At this point we are waiting for the “but”…

And there it is.

He tells her he has to follow his heart, tries to hug her with her hands behind her own back and whispers that he is sorry for rejecting her soul.

And this is where it gets good. You know you were excited to hear what psycho had to say!

Mowana thinks she may pass out from the pain. She is emotionally devastated. She thought is was a joke. She starts to hyperventilate. She chokes out something about being vulnerable and feeling like a fool and that her Magic 8 Ball had been dead wrong! The ABC intern starts to hand her a paper bag, but the ABC psychotherapist yanks it away and forces Mowana to continue with the breakdown. GUYS LIKE THAT DON’T MARRY GIRLS LIKE ME Mowana shouts. OH THE PAIN!

Great TV. Two thumbs up. Worth the two hour wait.

Then we have to sit through McHottie choosing Nashville. He tried to fake us out with a dramatic pause. I didn’t buy it. He gives her a lame engagement ring on a necklace and says it symbolizes connection. How appropriate that we end the night with our favorite word. They peck kiss. He picks her up and says he’s lucky.

All in all, it was a pretty decent year. Do I think they will last? I’m going with no. But I’ll be happy if they prove me wrong.

It’s been an amazing couple of weeks and I truly thank you all for reading the recap. I continue to be amazed at all of the encouragement written on the message board. I had a fun time writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Here’s looking forward to another season of Bachelor bliss in the near future!

Until then…

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

I have an announcement to make before we get started. The day has finally arrived. Your local grocery store now has “Spring” Oreos on their shelf. Go easy people. We still have a few more months until Easter. But I caution you to ration wisely. After the blue and yellow Oreos are gone, your next chance to have the infamous holiday Oreo line is Halloween. Hey…that’s what I’m here for…to spread joy.

Let me just say that I thoroughly enjoy reading the message boards. The college basketball banter is classic. The occasional opportunity to walk through the brilliant minds of some of our more infamous male readers is fascinating. I respect the anonymous readers right to remain anonymous. Even if they prefer Reality Steve to me. To quote Stoner Sarah, “You are entitled to your opinion.”

But the best part of my day is to click my handy counter that only BFF #2 Pauly and I have access. The numbers continue to rise and I continue to be amazed.

Current website count: 123,453

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Oh the Women Tell All. Such an interesting episode. Claws come out. Daggers are thrown. FAKE HUGS ALL AROUND!

Let’s start from the very beginning—arriving in LA!

GETTING TO THE STUDIO
Jamie (sister), Jill (friend) and I were picked up by Tracy (Jill’s sister who lives in LA) early Saturday morning. We were bummed that we were going to miss the “F-Bomb” episode with Susan getting kicked off. We were told that they would show that episode early in the morning. Due to our flight schedule, we missed it.

Armed with directions given to me by the audience coordinator, we headed off to WTA. We passed several high rise network television skyscrapers, a Disney building and made our way to a random neighborhood. This is when I started to get nervous. We found the address and the normal looking office building near a Home Depot. Great. I’m being punked.

I get out of the car and wander up to a gated entrance and see three people in all black. Yes. All black is good. They stare at me. I motion for them to come over to the gate.

“Can I help you?”
“Is this where we go for the Women Tell All?” I ask casually.
“Who wants to know?”

This is when I drop the Chris Harrison card. Sorry Chris, but the ABC interns were not letting me in.

“Chris told us to come straight here from the airport. We were unable to make the viewing of Episode 6. We are just going to the taping of the show. Should I call him?” as I reach for my cell phone.

Enter an audience coordinator who confirms I am who I am and she escorts us into the parking lot.

Yes…a parking lot.

We are told to sign some papers…confidentiality agreements…promising our first born if we breathe a word of what we see to anyone. I sign away. Jill and Jamie are reading their documents. I’m busy trying to find out who gets kicked off. I ask all the interns. Surprisingly…they have no idea!

We make friends with a few local girls who tell us that Susan was kicked off and we have a nice conversation with them. Everyone is surprised we are from Texas and came all the way to LA for Women Tell All. We just smile.

And HOUR later, we are herded (literally) 20 people at a time across the street to another random building that could be mistaken for a dentist office. After another HOUR of waiting in that parking lot, we finally start moving in to the building.

All cell phones, cameras and driver’s licenses are confiscated. Luckily, they did not take our candy stash. Metal detectors and security guards make sure we are not armed. We enter the studio and are told by my audience coordinator friend that she has reserved three seats for us in the VIP section.

I think what made them VIP is the fact that we were sitting beside Our Host Chris Harrison’s wife and her posse. Very fun.

IN THE STUDIO
This is when we meet Chunky B. He’s the comedian guy that keeps the audience reaction on target with what the producers need to film. For instance, we learned to clap. We learned to cheer and clap at the same time. We learned to respond in shock without any claps. We learned to whisper to our neighbor and look disgusted. Fun times. His job was to simply keep our spirits up during the four-hour long taping.

ENTER OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON
Chunky B announces Chris Harrison and he enters the studio with roaring applause. Looking good. No funky ties. Nice. (Our voices were heard!)

I’m going to take this time to say that Chris Harrison is dang funny. I mean DANG funny. Unfortunately, ABC tends to edit out his witty comments. He was ON for the show. And I saw hardly any of his wit on the edited version last night.

Our Host Chris gives me a quick shout out and we are ready to tape the show.

Applause. Applause. Whooping. Hollering.

The girls come out to put on their microphones. Surreal to see them all standing there. Jill quickly punches me and says, “Who is that girl in the green dress?” Exactly. That would be Shiloh (Who?). I’m wondering why that one chick has on a Wilma Flintstone inspired turquoise necklace.

Susan in the Hot Seat
Susan. Susan delivered didn’t she? She did not let us down. She claims she was proud of how she “acted” on the show. Acted on the show. Acted. It’s hard for her to be in the hot seat. Her feelings have not changed for McHottie. Her Mom is upset. Her ex-fiancé is upset. Girls defend her saying it is OK if she wants to be an actress. WHO CARES cries the one girl you had to look up on the ABC website because you don’t remember that her name was Ali D. Susan wells up with tears. Chris Harrison looks concerned but secretly is excited that he has achieved waterworks within the first 2 minutes of taping. YES! Geehand talks about Susan’s ex-fiancé’s picture being up in the house. Susan does not agree or deny. Chris Harrison talks about her Mom throwing her under the bus. Susan’s lip starts quivering.

Ali D pipes up again and says, “I didn’t know Susan very well, but…”
She is IMMEDIATELY interrupted by Jennie saying, “Then you shouldn’t be in this conversation.”

The audience explodes with a unanimous, “OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH” and a couple of “No she didn’t”. No need for Chunky B to tell us how to react to that one.

Minor cat fight as a result of this statement. Verbal arguments back and forth. Susan is crying. Audience members are placing bets. Jennie adjusts her boobs and Ali D is upset that people are confusing her for rotten eggs doctor Ali G.

Our Host Chris Harrison nearly loses control when he gets tough, uses his deep sports casting voice and demands the girls to calm down. Silence is golden he says. ABC edited. We all laughed in the VIP section.

What you didn’t see was 15 minutes of Susan digging herself into a major hole. She would say one thing and then contradict herself the next statement. Being catty girls that they are, the Bachelorettes would call her out. That hole got deeper and deeper. What to do? Say, “I think I’m falling in love with you” to Chris Harrison? Nope. That won’t work. Proclaim I’m a lesbian? That could hurt my career. I know! I’ll pull a Mowana and start crying hysterically! That will work!

Susan bites her lip and pinches herself with a hidden pair of tweezers in her pocket to muster up some actual tears. She throws in a few shoulder shrugs, occasional throat sobs and makes her way back to her seat.

What you didn’t see during the commercial was Susan dramatically (as if in a rose ceremony) running behind the white Roman column into the arms of one lucky intern. We had a perfect view of her crying, being hugged by the lucky intern, makeup people attending to her every need and an escort walking her back to her seat in case she was too traumatized she may faint.

And why she wore jeans with holes in the knee is beyond me.

Stoner Sarah in the Hot Seat
Stoner Sarah is exactly how you think she is. Laid back. So laid back that she is horizontal. Our Host Chris takes us back with a video montage of Stoner Sarah’s noises. Wasn’t that fun? But then, we see some footage that didn’t make the cut. The talking boobs. They are magic, aren’t they? Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Getting drunk and climbing into a tree and then not remembering the next day. Poor Stoner. They say she had puppy dog love. Stoner says if you know her, she is beyond her years. Jennie says that she is waaaaay immature because she played with her marshmallows on the camping trip. Jennie then gets to sit through a memory video of herself freaking out about bugs, crying on camera that she loves McHottie and saying her best baby voice that she doesn’t know what more she could have done to show him her love.

Bless Her Heart Kristen in the Hot Seat
Our Host Chris advises Kristen that less is more and asks if she thought the lemon teeth would work on McHottie. She genuinely answers YES! Kristen did not bad mouth anyone on the show and the audience fell in love with her charm and innocence. She was a doll! She did have a poem for the audience that did not make the cut. Good decision on ABC’s part. Good decision. Bless her heart. Seriously.

Rotten Eggs Ali G
Nice editing from ABC, huh? We all thought that Ali G. would come out from behind a curtain or something, but she wasn’t there. She declined to join us for the WTA. So we get to sit through all of the uncomfortable comments again through the magic of video montage. I think the word reproduce or reproduction was used about 26 times. Stoner Sarah told some random story about Ali G. and her filthy mouth. I don’t remember the story. I do remember the bleeping of two “f” bombs and one b!tch. Classy.

McHottie to the Hot Seat
Good Lord. That’s all I have to say. By the time McHottie made it to the hot seat, we were probably in our fourth hour. We were tired of clapping. We yearned for real food instead of the jelly beans Jamie snuck in her purse. My chair kept falling off of the bleacher’s edge, so my thighs were aching from leaning so far over to balance the weight on the opposite side of the chair. Chunky B saw that we were fading and told us to give a big round of applause because the good doctor was in the house.

We obliged. Then he came out and a new energy was born in that room. Imagine normal clapping and whooping. Then he turns the corner. You blink and see him for real. That jaw. That height. And finally that smile. I whistled. Jamie got embarrassed and started blushing. Some of us stood. He’s hot.

And a nice guy. Did not bad mouth anyone. Told us all to get over Ali G. Told us that Susan was not fake. Told us that he had a good friend who he wanted to set up with Lemon Teeth Kristen. Told Stoner Sarah that she lost him with the drunk tree climbing incident.

Then I had to close my eyes (because I didn’t have a pillow or blanket) during the blooper reel. McHottie dancing again. No no no no no. Burps. Interns fixing exposed boobs. Booze. Bees. More boobs. Cursing. Our Host Chris Harrison dropping “f” bombs in Paris. Nice.

Mowana vs. Nashville
Our Host Chris tells us that America is rooting for Mowana. Who is he talking to I’m wondering? Is there some pole I’m not aware of? Was this on the Bachelor website and I should have voted?

The girls talk about how they hate Mowana on the video montage and then talk about how sincere she is at Women Tell All. No one had anything bad to say. Interesting. Our Host Chris was floored. ABC was ticked. Their plan to start a Mowana hating session didn’t even get off the ground.

I’m guessing Mowana’s family is in the mob and they threatened that the girls would be sleeping with the fishes if they said anything. I’m just saying.

At this point, Host Chris asks each girl who they think will be picked. Five vote for Mowana. Mowana and her emotional meltdowns.

My vote is Nashville. We shall see.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Lincee is writing.

Post coming later today. Do not worry, my friends, she is diligently working away.

In the mean time, you can try playing this nifty little game. I’ve gotten a little over 19 seconds so far. It’s tough, but give ‘er a try.

http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

Another good mean time activity is to check out Sorta, if you like a little Texas country – http://www.myspace.com/sorta

BFF Paul

Women Tell All was fun. I have so much to share next week. It will be interesting to see what all is edited from the show. Thanks to Chris Harrison for the tickets and shout out.

Thanks to everyone on the message board who feels the need to defend me as well. How sweet to know that you are loved by many. Right back at you America. And that one person in Indonesia who reads…

And to those of you who think my picture is too small to see…it was on purpose. I can’t imagine what the message board talk would be if my dented nose and weird scar above my eyebrow were nice and big for all to see and comment. “Did you think she would have short hair? She looks like a gay man! Which one is she? The hairy one on the right or left? Look at those thighs! Unfortunate ears if I do say so myself.”

You have to keep it real when you are from the south side like me.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Website count: 98,915

Raise your hand if you are with Straight Lawyer John and you are a bit over the Bachelor. Hands down. Raise your hand if you really care who he picks at this point? Hands down. Raise your hand if you do not wear deodorant like Matthew McConaughey. Hand down BFF #2 Paul. Raise your hand if you don’t care that Matthew McConaughey does not wear deodorant because he is hotter than crap. Nice.

I do have to admit that it wasn’t as fun knowing who got kicked off before I watched the show. You see, we got to LA after they were already showing last night’s episode. We didn’t get to watch it. Obviously we saw Susan sitting in the WTA audience and used our context clues to figure out she was the one kicked off and America was left with Nashville and Mowana.

But I was still struggling last night to maintain focus. I found my bowl full of strawberries lathered in Cool Whip more interesting than the two hours of nothing we watched last night. I cursed myself for buying Dr Pepper in the tiny cans thinking I would drink less, when actually I drink two or three at a time.

However, ABC threw me a bone the first 30 minutes of the show and allowed me a brief walk back down memory lane. The hook? How exotic first dates seal the deal when it comes to Bachelors in days gone by.

Really? Hmmmm. Let’s see here. Eleven Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons and three of them are still together. Two of the women had to go through the process twice to find true love and only one of the couples are actually married.

But I get it. You don’t have to force feed me ABC…
Exotic dates + closed doors + no cameras = love 4 ever

ABC shows us a video montage of exotic dates gone bad from seasons before. They showed us Alex and Shannon from the first season and how she denied his invitation of the forgo card…and reminded us that she was immediately kicked to the curb afterwards. We saw Tina Fabulous and Firestone get it on in Hawaii. And then she got kicked to the curb. Gwen and Aaron from season two had a literal fairy tale date with a pumpkin coach, wicked step sisters, some sort of glass slipper…and a one-way ticket back to Cinderellaville.

To prove to America that this show really works and you can find true love in reality TV, we see Trista and Ryan, Kush and Sarah, Mary Mary and Centrum Silver. We are forced to witness Trista and Ryan’s wedding again. Luckily they cut out the pink and blue sand stunt. Kush, Sarah and her ginormous broach pointing to her new boobs are yucking it up in LA, laughing at each other and making fun of the world. Mary Mary has taken up fly fishing with Centrum Silver and hopes to live in a tree house one day.

Oh the memories. But why the montage? Are we being played? Does ABC want to psychologically put subliminal messages in our head to make us think McHottie has more personality that a wet dish rag? Does the audio have background noises that secretly tell us, “You are seeing chemistry. There is love there. Exotic dates are cool. Hot tubs are sexy. Chemistry. Connection. Everything is awesome. Paul is dead. No one here kisses like they are brother and sister. See the chemistry? Embrace the chemistry. We can’t afford another season where the couple breaks up. Chemistry. Connection. Awesomeness.”

Therefore, I think the logical thing to do is write in a Top Ten list format. Date by date. Uncomfortable moment by uncomfortable moment. Tear by tear. Hot tub by hot tub. Forgo key by forgo key.

Let’s start, shall we?

Mowana’s Date’s Top Ten List
1. Bees and dogs can smell fear. Pigeons can spot a nut job a mile away. Kamikaze birds unite!
2. When Mo asked McHottie if he had fun in the OC, I couldn’t help but wonder if he met Ryan Attwood.
3. Mo breaking out the Italian card: After threatening to sew an exact replica of a voodoo doll in the shape of the executive producer, Mowana gets to go to Italy on her exotic date and speak Italian to the waiters, therefore impressing McHottie with her mysterious and exciting personality.
4. Man wearing an outfit from It’s A Small World plays accordion for the couple. I’m pretty sure that was just after they sucked a string of spaghetti towards each other for a kiss under a bridge. I could be wrong though.
5. Dr. McHottie has spent more than one hour with Mowana and has run out of things to say. But he enjoys her silence and likes the fact that there is no need for words when she is around. What?
6. Nice toast McHottie: “To us. To Venice. To me. (huh?) I’m with the most beautiful woman in Venice.” **Note to self, he did NOT say the most beautiful woman in the world. He said Venice.**
7. Did anyone follow the dinner conversation? Something about I can’t wait to get back to my old life, yet I would have never met you. I can teach you. You can teach me. We can continue to learn. Everything is real.
8. It’s nice to know that Mo and Mc are on the same page. It’s nice to hear that he thinks they are and then to hear that she thinks they are and then to hear them discuss they appreciate the other one thinks they are and together being on the same page is good.
9. Mo straight up tells the camera that she is ready to go to the Forgo Suite and get to know McHottie on a physical level. We see her whisper something in his ear along the lines of, “If you close that door right now, you will see what it means to be on the same page as me.”
10. McHottie suffers through another one of Mo’s death grips on the couch as he is trying to peel her off of him so he can run to the door, shut it and get lucky Italian style!

Nashville’s Date’s Top Ten List
1. I can’t tell you the last time I enjoyed a Ferris wheel that went less than one mile per hour.
2. There’s nothing like a good couples massage followed by a jovial dip in some magical Australian bathtub that forces one to be physically unable to submerge oneself in the water and giggle constantly at the fact that you are floating.
3. Enough with the pecking kisses.
4. Did Chris Harrison just say Nashville was a Kindy-garden teacher?
5. Kudos to the ABC intern for making sure every set of stairs in Vienna had candles on them. Nice work dude.
6. McHottie is sick of the fancy food and orders Bubba Gump shrimp to be flown in from Louisiana. The two eat in the Forgo Suite and talk about how much they have in common. ABC intern cries to the ABC Psychologist about how hard he has been working to make each date perfect with candles, roses and fine china…and no one appreciates him.
7. McHottie admits he has the best friendship connection with Nashville and gives her a BeFri necklace.
8. He asks about what she thinks of the other girls and is smitten like a kitten that she didn’t bad mouth Mo or Susan.
9. They make out UNLIKE brother and sister for about ten minutes. Lots of angles. Lots of coaching in the background we can’t hear. C’mon people…if we are going to make this look believable, we have to help the Tennessee folks out. Lift her up. Tilt your head to the right. To the right Travis…that’s your left. You’ve stepped out of lighting. Intern…go get Nashville a box to stand on. Quit crying. There’s no crying on the Bachelor.
10. My vote is that Nashville wins.

Susan’s Date’s Top Seven List Because I Can’t Think of Ten
1. Let’s climb a rock and sit on a log that was taken from a Dirty Dancing scene and talk about your motives. That sounds fun! Did you come here for exposure?
2. Cider wine….steaming…in a kettle. Where’s my bucket?
3. Let’s sit down with our vomit wine and talk again about your motives. What a date! Did you think that you receiving the first kiss was some sort of competition you won?
4. Here we go again with the peck kissing.
5. Let’s have dinner and talk about how you only say things that you think I want to hear. Sound good? Why do you always agree with me?
6. McHottie thanks Susan for her honesty and canned answers (ouch) and presents her with the Forgo Card, which she reads in her best baby talk.
7. McHottie and Susan get busy in the token hot tub. Unfortunately, Susan thinks she is solidifying their connection and is looking forward to having her next headshot taken with her rose she will be receiving.

Rose Ceremony Top Four List
1. Thank the Lord for Chris Harrison’s tie.
2. The word amazing was used nine times in the video messages.
3. Susan is an actress. She is emotional. In fact, she presented us with a buffet, if you will, of emotion during her trip back home in the limo. We saw shock. Anger. Denial. Laugher. A single tear. Multiple tears. A breakdown of tears. And we saw Susan dig down way deep and pull out something we were not expecting…
4. The “f” bomb. ABC had to bleep Susan on national TV for dropping the “f” bomb. Showtime…here she comes!

Website count: 100,094
I think I’m in disbelief. Seriously. 100K party…here I come! The hot wine and Dr Pepper is one me!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee