Episode 5

I’m in California. Every time I call somebody, I say that I’m in CA-LI-FORN-YAAAAAAA like the song from the OC. Yes I watch the OC. That’s not my point…

Here’s my problem. Last night at 7:40, I was about to pass out in my hotel bed. I was no longer vertical, and that is never a good sign. With the two hour time difference, on top of the daylight savings change, it felt like 10:40 to my body. Not to mention the fact that I popped up around 4:15 that morning…again…7:15 a.m. to my body…you can imagine the sleepiness that I felt. I wondered how I was going to make it through the show. Then I realized that the Bachelor does not come on at 8:00 p.m. in California like it does in Texas. ANOTHER HOUR!

I apologize now for any random thoughts…or unfinished thoughts…that may follow. Everyone knows that I have the eating habits and bedtime of a third grader. It’s just who I am. Loving me means loving all of me.

Anybody going to buy the Kevin Federline CD today? Rock on.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

This episode is very exciting. Take home dates. Who will he choose? Lisa was the first to capture his heart, but he doesn’t know about her plan. Sadie is all about her V-Card but doesn’t want to rest on her laurels. The Prince is impressed with the teacher from Miami and Agnes caught him from the moment he saw her. Let’s take a whirlwind journey around the globe!

Home Date One
Sadie
San Diego
Our Prince meets Sadie at the beach

Sadie is pumped. She is in her element. She NEVER brings a guy home, so this is huge. SO HUGE, that she gallops across the grassy lawn to greet our Bachelor because she can’t contain her excitement. Sadie also thinks that Chach is SOOOO CUTE! She tells him this right before she encourages him not to say anything “lame” to her parents. We meet the family. Sadie tells them about the best date ever (when she flew) in her best baby voice.

We all know how I feel about baby voices…

The family prays together and has a lovely dinner. Chach talks to Dad about how Sadie has blown him away. Sadie tells Mom that the Prince reminds her of Daddy. Mom says that Chach is very down-to-Earth and locks eyes when he talks. Sadie says the Prince makes her feel safe. Daddy says that he trusts his little angel’s judgment.

Sadie has a surprise for Renzy. Making out at a bonfire on Moonlight Beach. You go with your V-Card Sadie! She admits that she sees potential and it is scaring her.

Home Town Two
Lisa
Portland
Dog Park and more!

Again, we are reminded that Lisa wants to be married and have kids by 30. She said that she will make this happen with the Prince. Chach is concerned that Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical attraction to, but nothing since. But, thank GOODNESS, Lisa decides to break the tension by painting grapes on her wall above the fireplace! There’s nothing like Italian fresco (I don’t care if that is not right) to break the ice.

Meet Allie. Allie is the reason Chach will not choose Lisa as his final girl. Allie decides to smoke a little crack before she visits Lisa. Afterwards, she feels it is a good idea to take a random (yeah right) wedding dress over to Lisa’s house. Lisa opens the door and pretends to be shocked to see this dress. Allie gives Lisa a puff of her doobie, twists her arm and forces her to put on the wedding dress for the Prince.

While Lisa is frantically searching for her strapless bra, Baked Allie lights up again and asks Chach if he knows about Lisa’s timeline.

Timeline? What timeline?

Baked Allie takes a drag, holds it in, and spits out the familiar statistics we’ve all come to know and love… “Married by 26…cough, hack, cough…kids by 30.”

It is at this point that Lisa saunters in wearing the dress. Wearing the freaking dress. Then Baked Allie puts on a Ti-Erica on her head and they giggle like she’s actually engaged or something.

Note: I did not yell at the TV at this point. Not because I’m in a hotel in CALI-FORN-IAAAAAAAAA, but because we already knew Lisa made the mistake of dawning a freaking wedding gown and we yelled at the TV last week.

Just wait…the yelling comes later.

Needless to say, our Prince is a bit freaked out. Bless Lisa’s heart. She feels that she has won major points for this gesture, assuming the Prince is imaging their wedding as she is.

They leave Baked Allie to satisfy her munchies and head for Lisa’s parents’ house. She shares that she had on a wedding dress earlier that day. Luckily, the entire family thinks this is weird. GREAT! Good to know they are not all crazy!

Until…

They all start laughing about how she has wedding magazines everywhere and how she’s had her wedding planned forever and how she knows what the bridesmaids will wear and what cake and the candles and the flowers. Everyone seems to think this is precious.

This is not funny. This is not precious. This is borderline psycho.

Lisa and her Dad go upstairs to talk about how they are going to walk down the isle together at the wedding. Bad move. They leave Chach with the Mom.

You know…the Pilates instructor.

PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. DO NOT DO PILATES CHACH. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. YOU ARE DOING YOUR HUNDREDS RIGHTN OW IN FRONT OF ME. YOU ARE ON THE FLOOR ON YOUR BACK DOING HUNDREDS. I CAN’T LOOK AWAY. I BEG YOU TO STOP. WHY IS LISA LAUGHING? THIS IS SO UN-FUNNY. PLEASE DISCONTINUE THE PILATES.

Time to leave. His abs are tired.

He tells the family the same line he told Sadie’s family… “I can see where Lisa gets her charming qualities.” Lisa walks him to the door and inserts her tongue down his throat in case he doesn’t know that she digs him.

Chach tells the camera that he has concerns and wonders if Lisa has an agenda.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Home Date Three
Jen
Miami Beach

Jen and Chach fish in the rain. Jen catches a shark. She kisses the shark goodbye before they throw him back in the ocean. This turns the Prince on. He wants to be kissed like that shark. They attempt. We all know how that turned out.

Jen tells Chach that her dad is intense. She is an only child and her parents have a hard time sharing. As if the ABC intern did not tell him, Chach asks if her Dad has a lot of guns. Because that is a typical question to ask before meeting the folks!

Jen and Renzy receive an exciting homecoming from the parents. Jen is so happy to see her Daddy. He is her world. Dad doesn’t care if Chach is a Prince, King of England or the President of the United States…he just wants to know if you can make his little girl happy. And how do we find this out? By pulling a gun on him and making him twitch. Or pee his pants. Either one is considered a success.

Dad, as he holds his gun on his lap, asks Chach, “How do you feel about my Jen?”

Chach’s answer? “She is obviously attractive.”

Doh!

Dad cocks gun and Chach starts mumbling something about wholesome and personality.

Home Town Date Four
Venice
Agnes

Chach is excited this is his last stop. He enjoys being around Agnes, but again, his problem is the communication. Agnes admits to the camera that she is nervous about him meeting her parents and that she is “following” for him.

They meet in front of the church Agnes wants to get married in. He tells her she looks very Italian. She asks where he is. He answers that he is here. And that the streets and hospitals are beautiful.

Is this a match made in heaven or what?

They take a gondola ride and swallow each other’s faces under every bridge. They eat at a café and talk about how Anges’ family does not speak English and this might be a problem. Chach predicts a ton of silence during the meeting.

Agnes introduces him to her Mom, Dad and siblings. Chach wants the family to know that he is there with good intensions. It is important for them to know that he is currently living in New York, but is from Italy.

“SO NICE TO MEET YOU ALL…I WISH I COULD SPEAK ITALIAN. I LIVED HERE UNTIL I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.”

Silence.

They try to communicate during dinner as Agnes holds her fork like a three-year-old.

Another round of silence.

What to do to break this silence? What to do to break the language barrier?

The ABC intern suggests the group communicate through the international language. The international language of…

DANCE! Dance WITH masks and hats!

“I saw a lot of beautiful things in Venice, but the most beautiful was Anges.”

Where’s my bucket?

Rose Ceremony
Yes…the Pier One bureau with the photos is back! I’ve missed the bureau. It makes the Prince’s decisions so much easier.

Chach says that he has been blown away by all four ladies and is sorry someone is going to get hurt…but it has to happen. Because those are the rules Chris Harrison told him at the bureau meeting.

Sadie: We knew she would be first. I would re-think the shoes next time.
Jen: Da da da da da da GO CHACH
Lisa: “I do!” she answers enthusiastically as if she has practiced before…

Poor Agnes. Bless her heart. Chach tells her that the number one thing you need in a relationship is communication, and he just didn’t think that they had that.

Really?

Poor Agnes starts to cry. Chach gets emotional and Agnes begins to “ugly cry” in Chach’s neck. Then HE starts crying. He gives her one final ‘gratzee’ and shoves her in the car. Agnes no longer has the energy to speak English. We have subtitles. Bless her heart.

Instead of the Erica bathtub scene Chris Harrison promised, we are tortured with some random soliloquy about how Jen and Sadie are vanilla milkshakes and Lisa is a vanilla milkshake with cinnamon. But Erica is a champagne milkshake.

Okay…maybe not so random.

Everyone excited about the forgo card dates next week? This is where the real fun begins!
All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Sadly, Lincee will not be able to post until later today.

But, she promises to give this one a little extra love because of the long wait.

Ok, well, I just made that last part up, but, I’m sure it’ll be full of lots of love either way.

Soon, my friends, soon…

BFF Paul.

Meet Jim Halpert of The Office. This is the Jim Halpert “face” that I always talk about. Sometimes, it’s all you need to truly understand a moment. Sort of a non-verbal “bless her heart” if you will.

Episode Four
I’m going to do this recap a little differently. Last night, I watched the show live. Never again. Instead of being able to fast forward through commercials and wasting only 48 minutes of my life, I endured an hour’s worth of stale Bachelor. I’m not bitter. Last week was the home run…the hole-in-one…ABC went the distance. There’s only one direction to go from there.

Sure, we had a few morsels of good moments tucked away here and there, and I’ve decided to end the recap with a traditional Top Ten list. For those of you who didn’t watch the show last night, let me sum up for you…very quickly…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Competing for One
of the One-On-One Dates

In a dramatic twist, our crazy ABC Bachelor writers have brought Erica back to choose who will get the first one-on-one date with the Prince. They’ve kept this a secret from the girls, telling them only that someone they know will be choosing the dates based on their answers to two very difficult questions:

Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?
Who is the most insincere girl in the house?

Poor Erica sits at the TV, writing comments about each girl on her little pink notepad. Unfortunately, we see how Erica holds a pen…and in turn feel sorry for her that her Nanny never taught her the proper way to grasp a writing utensil.

Pretty much across the board, the girls all think Lisa is undeserving and insincere. Lisa answers Jen. Agnes tells her favorite princess story because she didn’t understand the question and Sadie cries to the camera because she doesn’t like talking bad about people.

The girls reconvene in the drawing room and our host dramatically reveals that it is Erica…a true princess…who has chosen the winner.

One-on-One Date
Fly away with me for a day of pampering!
Sadie

In a nutshell, the Prince flies Sadie around Rome. Here’s a tiny snippet of their stimulating conversation while in the plane:

Sadie: “You really do know how to fly!”
Chach: “I’m not doing a damn thing.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

She thinks he is cute, smart and hot and continues to try and grab his hands. It is at this point that I ponder to myself that maybe he needs his hands while flying several miles up in the air. Am I wrong? Oops…I guess so… because now SADIE is in charge of flying the plane. I guess he really wasn’t doing a damn thing. Huh.

Chach says that he loves that she enjoys every second that she is alive and that they bonded. After safely landing, Sadie steps out onto the wing of the plane and screams, “I FLEW” to the top of her lungs. “I FLEW”. Then Chach answers, “YOU FLEW.” Over and over. This tickled me. I don’t know why.

Finally…a hot tub scene.

Sadie gets all serious and brings up her V-card again, thanking Chach for not having a problem with her values. He says that it is weird that guys mind and tells her that they’ve missed out. She thinks this is sexy.

Sadie reveals that she’s noticed the whole day that he wanted to kiss her. In a brilliant plan, she suggests that they pretend it is the end of the date and should just kiss at dinner. Chach likes her confidence and that she initiated the kiss. She gives him a San Diego Chargers t-shirt and he gives her a rose. They make out. The kissing is better…still not good…but better. I’m assuming he practiced on melons with the intern or something.

Group Date
Toga party
Jeanette, Dez, Lisa and Agnes

Dez is a toga princess baby. They participate in a chariot racing contest. There were three races. To me, it would have made a better show if the girls had been driving the chariots themselves, but what can you do?

Jeanette wins. Chach thinks this means she is fearless and a winner at heart.

What? She just rode around in a chariot. How does this make her fearless?

Cut to “Boobs and Butts Weekend” at a random pool and we find the Prince tackling Dez, as if playing football, flinging her into the water—toga and all. This is his way of getting the girls to feel relaxed so they can talk. Lisa finds out there is no rose and is ticked off. Agnes meets him at the swing set to tell him that she is jealous of Sadie for getting a one-on-one date. She wants him to meet her family. He questions if there will be a language barrier with her folks.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Meanwhile, Lisa confides in Jeanette that she has her entire home town date figured out…down to the dog park and yummy gelato treat for dessert.

One-on-One Date
A Roman Night on the Town
Jen

This is Jen’s first date with the Prince. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell her that it was a Saturday Night Fever theme date and she felt silly next to him in his white blazer. They ride around in a horse-drawn carriage. They eat dinner on the roof overlooking the Vatican. They talk about teaching and counseling and how she likes to solve problems and how she is the answer to his problem. I got distracted by the ginormous bite of something bright orange that they were both stuffing into their mouths that I quit listening. I don’t each orange food, except for candy corn and Halloween Oreos. They talk about how their parents met. He tells her there is one person for each person and you have to find that person. Good Lord Chach…just give her the rose already.

They visit the Trevi Fountain …with the entire population of Rome watching…and throw coins and make wishes and make out and giggle. Then he thanks her for kissing him. Cringe. Pet peeve of mine.

Rose Ceremony
Dez makes her final plea. She says she is in love with him. (Death sentence. Nail in the coffin. See ya Dez.) Lisa is wearing the earrings she won on the first day. She tells the Prince that it doesn’t bother her that he goes out on other dates…it’s a part of the process. He digs this.

With 0nly two roses left, Chach asks that they not say goodbye…only thank you. I’m throwing up as he gives the roses to Lisa (surprise surprise) and Agnes.

I do have to admit that I thought Agnes was gone. The only thing I can think of is that our Prince has some sort of unresolved fantasy about dating the foreign exchange student back in high school, so he is fulfilling that with Agnes. Or…that he must take a hot girl…just because she’s hot. Or the city of Rome has some sort of agreement with ABC that one of their girls must make it to the final three.

Top Ten Moments of Episode Four
1. When Erica shows up at the castle and asks in her most Princess-like proper voice, “What’s up bitches?” Note to self: Are pink crochet shawls back? Check latest Vogue…
2. When returning to the drawing room from her confessional about who deserves the one-on-one date with the Prince, Lisa tells the group that she thinks everyone deserves to be a princess. Even though she REALLY said that Jen is not pretty without makeup
3. What looked different about Sadie you ask? Bangs.
4. Jeanette wins the chariot race. Scratch that. Jeanette’s driver wins the chariot race for her and as a reward, she gets to have one wish granted by the Prince. Jeanette chooses to play the suck up card and tells the Prince that her wish is for him to enjoy the moment. What in the world? Ask for a rose. Ask for some free cosmetics. Don’t cop out. I can’t tell you how THRILLED I was that the Prince agreed with me. Points for Chach.
5. Lisa swiggin’ out of the champagne bottle at “Boobs and Butts Weekend”
6. “TAKE YOUR TOP OFF! WE’RE GOING STREAKING IN THE QUAD!”
7. Our Host Chris shows us scenes from the hometown dates from next week. Jen’s Dad pulls out a gun and tells the Prince that this particular rifle is the one he would use on the man who treated is daughter inappropriately.
8. Also, a young lady asks Chach if he is aware of Lisa’s “timeline” for marriage. We see wedding magazines and then Lisa in a wedding dress. Please tell me she doesn’t do this in front of him. Please Lord.
9. Erica talking to the camera in a bubble bath? With a tiara?
10. Deleted scene: Dez asks the group the craziest place they’ve ever had sex. Dez: girl’s locker room at her high school; Lisa: floaty in the middle of the lake; Chach: the girls’ villa in Italy

Sure. We believe you Chach.

FYI: I will be out of town next Monday and will do my best to write the recap from my hotel in California. Surf’s up dude. Until then…

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Prince Chach
Episode 3

Yesterday was a torrential downpour in Houston. It literally rained all day long. You can imagine how hard it was to drag myself out of bed to go to work. Gentle thunder, occasional lightning, and the sound of rain hitting the pane of my window. But there was one thing that ruined it all…

It was my third time to hit snooze when I heard this slow talking valley girl rambling on about like princesses, and like tiaras and like people who didn’t go to college. At first I thought it was a dream—a nightmare. But the voices didn’t go away.

It was Socialite Erica with 97,000 watts behind her on Mix 96.5 with Sam Malone in the Morning.

Seriously? Blasphemy.

Don’t ask me about the interview. I was in a panic. Two fears immediately ran through my very morning groggy head at warp speed:

A: Had I taken this recap thing too far and was now dreaming about the Bachelor?
B: Was I going insane and hearing voices?

Once realizing that I was indeed sane and actually hearing Socialite’s voice, I frantically worked through the disheveled covers to turn the alarm off.

What a way to start the morning. There’s nothing like beginning the day with the whining of our great City’s self-proclaimed socialite.

Little did I know that later that night, ABC would bring us the best episode of The Bachelor ever to air in the show’s history. Long live the Chach.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Right off the bat, our host Chris Harrison gives us a quick recap of the previous week. He gives us the song and dance about how there are only a few girls left who have the chance to make their fairy tale come true…blah blah blah. In true dramatic fashion, he ends the montage with the scene in which Erica gets her rose. As if to say, “Yes America…she got a rose. You just wait. It’s worth it.”

And of course, ABC did not let me down. It’s as if they have thrown all class to the wind and are embracing any preposterous idea suggested out in the writing room that would have never been considered in seasons before.

I imagine it going this way:

ABC Writing Team
Borghese Conference Room
Borghese Hotel
Midnight

Writer 1: “Guys…guys! We’ve got to think of something. It’s time to figure out who gets the next one-on-one date with Renzy. What are we going to do?”

Writer 2: “I know! We can fly in Renzy’s best friend from New Jersey and have HIM pick the girl based on questions we come up with! Like what is your favorite color? It’s the only way to know for sure if there is going to be a match.”

Writer 3: “C’mon…we’ve done that before. Let’s think of something new.”

Writer 1: “How about we make them take a compatibility test and THAT person will get to go!”

Writer 2: “Dude…I refuse to rip-off E-harmony. Try again.”

Intern: “Why don’t we have them sing an aria in Italian?”

Writers 1, 2, 3: “BRILLIANT! Go fetch us an opera singer. Quickly intern, quickly!”

The intern rushes off and grabs the first woman he sees singing for money at the Borghese Fountain in front of the Borghese Park. She runs the girls through some voice exercises and has each one sing.

Sometimes I can still hear the screeching in my head. Except for Jeanette. That was more croaking.

I was almost distracted by the fact that half of the girls had on evening cocktail dresses while the others had on camo, when the homeless opera woman chooses Jami as the winner.

One-on-one Date
Jami
A Night at the Opera

For the first time in a long time, I actually watched the show last night live. No Tivo. You can imagine how irritated I became when I accidentally changed the channel to TBS. They, of course, were showing Pretty Woman for the millionth time this month. It wasn’t until Prince Chach forgot to snap the diamond/ruby million dollar necklace lid on Jami’s white-gloved hand that I really paid attention and realized that this was not Vivian and Edward. Following ABC’s lead, I decided to embrace the Pretty Woman knock-off and secretly hoped that rocker chick Jami, in her red ball gown, would exclaim, “There’s a band!” when they got to the opera.

Jami is super stoked about her date. She’s never been to an opera before. Chach says that he is the luckiest guy in the world…he gets to drive along the countryside with a woman wearing two million dollars worth of jewelry.

Let’s stop right there and talk about context clues. Why would this make him lucky? Has he always wanted to drive jewelry around the countryside and this is a dream come true finally? Notice he didn’t use an adjective in front of Jami’s name. She wasn’t listed as a beautiful woman or righteous chick.

They get out of the Buick, Jami politely says, “Gratzee” to the door opener, and they enter into a lovely opera house that has been reserved only for them. Jami thinks this is un-believable. In fact, there were several things that Jami thought was un-believable. Do you know what I thought was un-believable? When Chach asks her to sing her aria…and she does. Un-believable.

Lord please don’t let her do it. I begged for her not to. I pleaded for her to graciously say no. My Texas girl gets up ON STAGE…not even at the dinner table, and belts out what can only be described as cat in pain. He lies and tells her that is the best thing he has ever heard and gives her props for humiliating herself on national TV.

At this point, I’m assuming there is some sort of bet going on among Chach, the intern and the camera guy. This was also the first time I had to pause live TV so I could emotionally pull myself together before moving on.

Pushing play.

The Prince is in the middle of talking about how he is passionate about his family and friends when the curtain pulls apart and Random Opera Guy starts his aria. Good for Random Opera Guy for your 15 minutes of fame. I remember when Vanessa Williams did this a few years ago and now she is on Ugly Betty. You go Random Opera Guy. Too bad nobody said your name so we know who you are, but I’m sure you’ve had dozens of downloads on itunes this morning. Congratulations!

Chach and Jami start dancing and it is revealed to us that the Prince is not so sure he has a physical connection with her. The diamond/ruby necklace? Yes. The girl? Not so much.

He tells her that this is the most romantic evening of his life, but it was like dancing with his best friend. He wants to be honest. He can’t give her the rose. She appreciates the honesty. He will never forget this evening.

We see her two seconds later, sans diamond/ruby necklace, sniffing in her white gloves. She is shocked and disappointed. She felt so special and was sent packing. Moments later, the gloves are off, I’m assuming due to snot stains, and Jami tells the camera that she does not usually let her guard down and she is not the kind of girl to stand in the street crying. The ABC Psychotherapist crushes a Valium in her Fresca, cranks up the Lynard Skynard in the limo and bids her adios.

Prince Chach says he cares about her and if he gives her the rose, it would give her the wrong impression. What’s that sparkling thing glimmering under his shirt?

Group Date
Tuscany
Jeanette
Dez
Gina
Jennifer
Lisa
Sadie

Lisa is too cool for school, claiming group dates are lame. Prince Chach encourages the girls to swirl, smell and drink the wine. Dez thanks him and tells him she feels like Princess.

It is when Jeanette and Chach wander through the vineyard, stealing grapes, when he realizes that she is something special. He tells the camera he is blown away by her honesty and that he has had the most meaningful conversation so far.

Later, they all meet by the pool in their matching black swimsuit cover ups, and cheer as our Prince descends the stairs. He asks if he is underdressed. My answer would be to take your board shorts back to Old Navy, but nobody asked me.

Sadie wraps herself in a ginormous towel to tell him about her V-card. He does all he can to muster up a solemn face, and confides that he is impressed with her values.

Chach then pulls Lisa away for some alone time. He tells her he had an amazing time at the park. She agrees. Chit chat. Chit chat.

Then it happens. My heart is racing fast right now just remember this moment as I write about it. My face is flushed. I’m shaking my head as I type.

Prince CHACH asks Lisa if he could kiss her. She said yes and then they do it. It wasn’t as bad as Agnes, but not all that great either. Then, they talk about how nice that 2.4 second kiss was. Then they talk about doing it again later.

Pausing live TV.

What? What am I watching? Is he 12-years-old? Did I miss something? Are we creating another movie moment again? Tom Hanks from Big maybe? I don’t get it. Did that conversation really just happen?

Rewind. Play.

Pause.

Seriously? That just happened. He asks permission to kiss. I guess that’s fine, but just go for it dude. And then to talk how nice that was? And to request permission again? Let’s hope the intern, who is probably getting more action than my boy Renzy, gives him some pointers later on.

Lisa looks down the eye of the camera with an evil gleam and says her plan is in motion.

Bikini time! Chicken fight! Blasphemy!

Cut to the group on Prince Chach’s bed. They are playing truth or dare. Classic…but dangerous. You can learn a lot from truth or dare. (And spin the bottle…or remote control…whatever the case may be.) Proceed with caution.

Question: Why in the world, on a show where you are basically competing for a Chach, would you dare someone ELSE to put a grape in THEIR mouth and feed it to the Chach? Answers? Anyone?

Dingbat Jennifer dares Dez to do this. As we remember, Dez is the frisky one who told our Chach that she wouldn’t mind getting it on in the Janitor’s closet of the Pet Spa back home in the States. Not a good choice Dingbat Jennifer.

Mute Gina finds her words and asks Dingbat Jennifer to belly shot what looked to be lemonade off of the Chach. And you KNOW there was a belly hair floating around in that shot. Vomit.

In an attempt to check if she is still in the running for a glass slipper, Sadie asks Prince which girls in the house he has kissed. Chach says he has kissed everyone on the cheek. Which is an entire Chach thing to say.

Timeline Lisa says that he did this to protect her and their future child.

The next morning, Jennifer and Chach bond on the balcony. She talks about how she fell in to teaching. She thinks it is very rewarding profession and he thinks it is so sweet. She feels a connection.

And another terrible kiss. Lord help us all get through this season.

Our crafty intern places the black silk pillow with the rose in the middle of the breakfast table, which I thought was awesome. Chach tells us that if he had six of them, I would give them to you all. Oh really? Jeanette gets the rose. Lisa is ready to shoot daggers. Sadie wonders if this is because of her Vcard situation.

Two-on-One Date
Erica and Agnes
Big Date That Fell Through and
Ended Up Being Pizza in the Castle

Erica tells the camera that she gets along with Agnes because she speaks very slowly and in an Italian accent. She lets Agnes know that “We not be tired” and “We must look pretty for date” so they turn in early.

The next day, Chach’s Buick comes over to pick the girls up. They all hug each other bye as if they are BeFri’s. The Buick drops them off at the castle. Poor Erica’s extensions are getting a little knappy.

Plans fell through for the romantic two-on-one date, so he invites them in the castle for pizza. Since their party clothes are so binding, he invites them to wear anything in his closet. Because he is a size 6, this turns out perfect for Ag and Erica.

Our Prince pulls our Princess away for some private time, leaving Agnes, where else? On the bed eating her pizza.

Erica says that she doesn’t need the novelty of Rome…she is all about the Prince. She asks if he wants to know anything else. His reply? No.

Uh oh…

ABC is salivating. Renzy is rushed off for his Italian tutorials and they quickly plop Erica down for an interview:

“Lorenzo is royalty…not a commoner…he definitely needs me because no one else could do the job. Agnes is like a gold digger…He can find a girl like Jen anywhere. A virgin like Sadie, okay maybe that is a little rare. And a girl like Lisa is just one notch up from that, but I am like seven notches up from that. At like 100. I am so in to Lorenzo and would like to get a rose and after that I would like him to stop being such a dumb ass and show some interest in me.”

I love Erica.

And now for a very important announcement
from our Prince Lorenzo Borghese:

“I like Agnes, but what I’m concerned about is the language barrier. In order to have a relationship, you have to communicate.”

[Insert Jim Halpert look from Lincee here.]

Both girls sit Indian style on the bed as he tells Erica she is bright and beautiful. (Huh?) He then asks Agnes to accept the rose. She swallows his non-existent upper lip, he mentally high-fives himself and then drags Erica downstairs.

She slowly finds her way down the marble staircase in Renzy’s best pink Polo shirt, babbling on about people judging people…the fact that Jami and Chach weren’t compatible…I was right…I told you so…how she’s bringing sexy back…I like dogs too…I already have my own tiara…people have been judging me my whole life and you know because Prince’s get judged and it is not fair.

He said that she was bi-polar.

It took the intern, our host Chris Harrison and the ABC Psychotherapist, but they rallied around to finally get Erica in the limo. Prince Chach is upset. Read the body language…crossed arms and stern face. Erica is still pleading her case through the two-inch crack in the back window. She is sorry he made a very bad mistake.

Gearing up for some serious “conversation,” our Prince heads up to the bedroom balcony and asks Agnes to watch the “lights of Rome” with him. She is aggressively trying to stick her tongue down his ear, but he is insistent that she maintains focus above the trees. Of course, she has no clue what he is saying, and it is obvious due to the fact that she almost had a heart attack when the fireworks go off. Cut to the girls back at home cracking open the champagne because the “luggage boy” took the drama queen’s stuff to the airport. (And for some reason, they get all excited about the distant fireworks…just as they did for the helicopter.) The ABC camera crew gets a behind shot of our Prince and Agnes while intern gestures for Chach to kiss her again with the fireworks behind. What pretty editing.

Back in the limo, Erica tells us that Lorenzo judged her because she’s pretty, popular and comes from the same background. “He just wants a Cinderella …
It’s a disgusting gross fairy tale…poor girl meets rich guy and they fall in love and live happily ever after. I’m so over that story.”

ROSE CEREMONY
Sadie: Cute little Sadie…WARNING! That’s what you say about your friend’s kid sister. Ouch.
Lisa: tick tock tick tock
Jennifer: Bless her heart. Forgot to brush her hair.
Dez: I never thought a rose would mean so much, Baby

Chach’s head is bowed in shame. Gina is out and struggling to not cry…or should we say struggling TO cry? Could we not get someone better from central casting ABC? She did a horrible job. Do you know why I know she is faking? Because she tells the camera she is so sad. C’mon ABC. You did so well up until the end. Keep your head in the GAME!

Of course it is at the very end where we stay tuned for scenes from the next Bachelor that we find our beloved Erica is not gone for good.

ABC really does love me.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee