"> Boss: “What are you doing Monday and Tuesday?”
Lincee: “Watching the Bachelor.”
Boss: “I need you to go to Colombia.”
Lincee: “As in Ohio?”
Boss: “No. That would be Columbus. I need you in Colombia. The country.”
Lincee: blank stare
Boss: “Great. We’ll talk about details later.”
I have to say, last night was one of my favorite episodes in a long time. Love was in the air. Hot tubs were bubbling. Snot ran from noses. Knifes protruded from the backs of designer dresses. About 13 f-bombs dropped on national TV.It just doesn’t get any better than that people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.Our Host Chris Harrison starts the episode reminding the Bachelorettes that there are only nine women left in the hunt. There will be three dates: a special one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one.
One-On-One
Jenni Couric
“Come Fly With Me”
Jenni Couric is super excited to get the one-on-one date with Brad. She tells the camera that she’s been waiting for this her whole life (what?) and wants to kiss him on his neck.
Who doesn’t Jenni?
The girls squeal at the arrival of the helicopter. The poor ABC botanical technician is ticked because rose petals and baby’s breathe go flying everywhere when the chopper lands on the back lawn. Miss Couric braves the flying debris with the other eight girls and tackles our Bachelor as he exits the craft. She hangs on to his waist for dear life. Brad tells her how beautiful she is. She flashes her Phoenix Sun’s smile at the other ladies and buries her head in his neck, using this opportunity to take a quick nibble. Brad, the gentleman that he is, addresses the other girls as Jenni “absent-mindedly” holds his hand. He then pushes her hair out of her face (first point for Couric) and waves goodbye to the not-so-lucky group. They all wave back and say, “BYE” in enthusiastic unison. All but DeAHnna and McCracken that is…
Jade tells the camera that the physical attraction Brad has for Couric is obvious. The hand holding, the touching, the grabbing…not a good sign.
Bettina wonders if Jenni is in this for Brad…or if it is all about the competition.
Hillary thinks they have sexual chemistry and it makes her want to throw up. Jade empathetically strokes her hair for comfort. Hil feels like her boyfriend has just left with the hottest girl ever and then drops the first f-bomb.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and thank ABC for keeping Hillary. The Bachelor is just no good without a resident psycho. I’m just saying.
Meanwhile, during an amazing crotch shot up Jenni’s short green dress, Brad points out buildings and concludes that this is the coolest thing he has ever done. They land on a roof to have dinner on a lame set-up the ABC intern pulled out of his butt. Metal bar stools around a tiny metal table. Probably going for some sleek, mainstream analogy that has to do with architecture, but I didn’t get it.
Jenni can’t stop smiling and confides that she is nervous. Brad tells her not to worry, because since the beginning, he’s been waiting for this moment. He is very happy that he is with her and has wanted this…so badly.
“…so badly.” Second point for Couric.
Brad then brings up the kiss. Couric says that she can’t stop thinking about it. She also can’t stop thinking about the rose and admits that if he doesn’t give it to her PRONTO, she might jump off the building. She wants to focus on HIM…not the rose.
Back at the Bachelorette pad, the rest of the girls are trying to make small talk. Jade says that it sucks the way DD and McCracken talk to other people. Stephy wishes they would ask their questions in a nicer way. McCracken says life would be boring if they didn’t. Jade says they attack everyone in the house. DD interrupts and Jade drops the second f-bomb of the night out of sheer frustration.
Jade: “If you want me to have an opinion, let me f-ing say it!”
DDAH: “The floor is yours.”
Jade: “I’m done now.”
DDAH: rolls eyes to McCracken
Lincee: Imaginary high five to the ABC intern for setting THAT up!
Back on the rooftop, Brad and Couric move from cold, metal stools to uncomfortable trendy couch, complete with handy cashmere throw. Jenni says that she wants to see him tomorrow. She says she is selfish and wants him all to herself. She then gets a little chachy on us and tells Brad that the rose is sitting all by its lonesome and needs a friend. Brad hands her the rose, touches her face (point three) and says that he’s been waiting to do that all night. She inhales the fragrance and tells him that she’s saved every rose he’s given her.
This turns Brad on and he growls in a low gruff voice, “Come here to me…please.” (Heaven forbid if he breaks the southern gentleman charm and forgets to add the please at the end.) Then they make out.
I have to admit that I wanted to be Jenni Couric at that moment. Am I right? or am I right…Group Date
“There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.”
Sheena
McCarten
Hillary
Bettina
Kristy
Stephy
Even though he is a self-made Austin millionaire, Brad is not a refined person. He like to kick back and laugh. He wants to see who can just have fun. He doesn’t want anybody who is shy and reserved.
He takes them to a comedy club in a double decker bus and tells them that THEY are the show. All of them will be performing today.
Hillary embraces the spotlight.
McCarten rolls her eyes as she clucks like a chicken during warm-ups.
And Kristy starts to cry.
The teachers share a secret with the girls…if you feel stupid, you are doing it right. They begin with a prop improv. The rules are: use the prop in any way that it is not meant to be used traditionally.
First prop: A pink pointed party hat
Hillary: holds the cone and says, “Things are bigger in Texas.” Classy innuendo Hill.
Bettina: holds cone like a megaphone and yells, “I love you Brad!”
Kristy: deer in the headlights and whispers, “Pass.”
Hillary: puts cone up to boob and sings, “Vogue, vogue, vogue.”
Brad taps a cowbell this whole time which I loved. We need more cowbell in this world.
Second prop: a feather boa
Bettina: walks up with boa, chickens out and goes back to the group laughing at herself. After much encouragement from Brad, she returns to the front, holds the boa in front of herself and says, “I forgot to shave.”
Kristy’s turn! Wait. Nope. She passes again. She’s not comfortable being put on the spot and feels ridiculous.
Challenge: Beg for a rose as if you were a dog.
It was so bad, I’m embarrassed to type the words. Hillary said something stupid. Sheena rolled on her back and asked for a belly rub. My ears are still bleeding from shoving my pen down as far as my brain would allow. Let’s just not go there.
Challenge: Dating show
Hill: dressed up like a cheerleader says, “You are so hot you make my pom poms sweat.” She follows that up with the “Give me a B” cheer and spells out Brad.
Kristy: dressed like a cowgirl says, “My name is sugar and I’m looking for a little spice.”
You could have heard crickets chirping in that auditorium if I hadn’t been laughing my butt off at that moment. Classic Bachelor. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes.
Poor Kristy. Bless her heart. She goes for plan B and turns on the tears.
“I’m so mad (sniff) that I didn’t step up to the plate. It’s really (snort) important for you to see fun side of me. Now I’m panicky (gag) and crying. I only have (snort) so many (choke) chances to show you the real me.”
But Brad prefers potty humor to waterworks and gives the rose to Bettina and her feather boa.
Which makes Bettina fall madly in love with Brad. And when I say “madly” I’m being literal. Might be a little crazy in those eyes…I’m just saying.
Two-On-One Date
DDAHnna
Jade
Nice! ABC arranged for the two girls who HATE each other to be on the two-on-one date. For some reason Jenni Couric reads the date box rhyme constructed by her boy toy Brad. (Did anyone else think this was odd?)
“Tonight there is just one rose. One stays…one goes.” Then she sucks in some air, purses her lips, mouths the word “ouch” and dangles her rose in front of them before she skips off to hang it with the other roses from the chandelier above her bed using a hair clip.
The girls pack their 12 bags of luggage and leave them by the door.
Jade is not going to let DDAHnna walk away with the rose. He thinks Brad will see through her fakeness. DDAHnna thinks she is more compatible.
Unfortunately, the ABC intern forgot to book another date night and re-uses the one from Jenni Couric’s date. The three are on a rooftop and Brad opens the conversation with a serious topic:
Brad: “I’ve been missing out on that one special person…I want to find her. With that said, what do you think about moving to Austin?”
Jade: “I’m fine with that. I’ve lived in Canada before.”
DDAH: “I packed myself and moved to Nashville after school.”
Jade: “I’ve lived in 34 of the United States and have 11 stamps in my passport.”
DDAH: “I’ve just booked a trip to Mars and plan on wintering there.”
Brad: “Interesting. You seem independent.”
Jade (interrupting): “I relate to that. I started working at 16.”
DDAH: “I worked at 14.”
Jade: “My mom had me shucking corn when we lived in Nebraska when I was 10, so HA!”Alone time with Brad:
Jade: “I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure.”
Brad: “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are confident and beautiful.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! ABORT JADE! START CRYING! HE CAN’T HANDLE THE CRYING! BITE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU HAVE TO!
Cut to the Bachelorette pad:
“How does everyone feel about getting engaged?” is asked with an enthusiastic YES answered by all the girls excluding Bettina. She’s bold now that she has her hot pink feather boa and decides…to go there…
Bettina: “Do you know what marriage is? You can’t be on this show and commit to a relationship after six weeks. I know. I’ve been married before.”
GASPS!!! The other look at her in wonder and poke her with a stick. This rare “divorced” creature is indeed a sight to behold.
Hill: “If you know…you know. People give up too easily. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married. You’d have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she’s still running.”
Spoken like a true idiot.
Let’s get back to Brad’s alone time with DDAHnna:DDAH: (read in robotic tone) “I want to be honest. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be here. I want the chance to fall in love with you. You are going to do what your heart tells you to do and I hope that’s me.”
Let’s face it. I do think boys like the chase. But if you are not “that girl” then you have to put it out there that you want him. DDAHnna did that. Jade did not.
We see Brad saying goodbye to Jade. He talks about it being horrible thing he had to do. I have to admire him for not getting all touchy feely with her. He even kept his hands crossed over his chest as a sign of tough love. The camera shows him shutting the door on their relationship and then cuts inside to the session with the ABC psychotherapist.
And next comes the brilliant ABC editing. Really. Kudos my friends.
Jade crying in limo: “I’m shocked to be going home.”
[Cut to steam rising across the skyline on the rooftop. Pan down to show bubbling hot tub surrounded by millions of tiny candles.]Jade: “I really wish he could have seen through her.”
[Cut to tight shot of Brad’s tight abs. Man he is hotter than crap. DDAHnna enters the shot in teeny tiny bikini. They sink into the tub holding champagne glasses.]
Jade: “DD doesn’t deserve my happy ending.”
[Long lingering shot of DD and Brad making out in hot tub. They slowly go out of focus and we see a single red rose in the foreground.]
That’s art.
ROSE CEREMONY
Hillary is concerned. The mood is somber. She wishes people would lighten up.
McCracken: “The mood is more somber because two of us are going home.”
DDAH: “No. The mood is somber because you all are going out with my boyfriend.”Kristy steals some alone time with Brad and babbles on about being guarded and how she was glad Brad saw her cry and get emotional. Because she is an onion and has layers. Brad then points out that she is not an onion. She is a classy refined chocolate covered strawberry. What if he wants nachos? Can she be a messy runny nacho?
Sheena hears that crying gets you a rose, so she uses her last chance to tear up. She tells him she is there for all the right reasons and doesn’t want to go home. Being Brad, he pulls her into his shoulder so she can cry it out.
After wiping the tears from Sheena’s eyes, Brad wanders over to Kristy, Bettina, DDAHnna and McCracken. They want to know who was the first person he kissed on the show. I won’t go into the unfortunate way they asked him this question. Just trust me on this one…
When they find out it was Jenni Couric, for some reason, all hell breaks loose. Bettina calls her a slut and a liar.
(Remember that crazy we talked about?)
The group investigates:
“Did you kiss him or he kiss you?”
JC: “He kissed me.”
DDAH: “Did you think Jade was coming back?”
JC: “I felt you were someone he would be attracted to, so I prayed for her to come back.”
Bettina: “What about him? Don’t you want him to find someone to be happy with?”
JC: “Yeah?”
Bettina: “So why would you pray for him to not find happiness?”
JC: “Because I want it to be me he ends up with.”
Bettina: “I’m surprised that you are treating this like a game.”
Hi. Bettina? It’s the ABC Producers. Yeah…uhm, this little “adventure” you are on is called the Bachelor. It’s a reality show. A “game” if you will. Did we not explain to you the rules of this show before you signed up to “win” the heart of the man of your dreams?
Alone time with Jenni Couric:
Brad: “I miss you.”
JC: “I miss you too.”
What number of points are we on? Four? Five?
Biggest laugh of the night:
MCC: “I wonder who is going home tonight?”
DDAH: “NOT ME!”
Sadly, McCracken and Stephy were sent packing along with Jade. Super pumped that he kept crazy Hillary and as last night’s sneak peek of next week’s episode shows, there is going to be some major drama and hyperventilation as she gets booted to the curb.
And poor Sheena falls down the stairs. I. Might. Die.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
My guess is that ABC tried to brainwash us with the circus. You know…greatest show on earth…but I didn’t buy it. I have to admit, I was a little bored last night. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen the same thing over and over again from this beloved show. Or maybe it’s because I was anticipating the wonder twin power at the end.
Maybe it’s because I was doped up on cough medicine and the thought of laying my head down on the comfy couch cushion was much more entertaining than what was on TV.
It’s a mystery. But there were a few juicy parts. And I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Group Date One
Greatest Show on Earth
Stephy
McCracken
Jenni
Lindsey
Sarah
DeAhnna
Date box arrives with a ton of circus paraphernalia inside…big glasses, Dumbo ears, red noses…the works. DeAHnna is super stoked. She’s never been to a real circus…just the fake ones they put on in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Brad is excited to see the inner child in all of the girls. He loads them up in a limo, reads his cue card, and tells the girls that they will be seeing lions, and tigers and bears…
They all shout, “OH MY!” in unison. Brad grins. Lincee rolls her eyes and reaches for her box of Kleenex.
They feed the elephants. One of them blows snot on young Sarah. Brad leads them to the luxury box. I wonder why I’ve never seen a luxury box at the circus? Probably because they don’t have those at the Wal-Mart circus. Gee…DeAHnna and I have a lot in common.
Stephy balances on a tight rope in her flip flops. Jenni balances on a ball. All the girls stand in a line while clowns juggle bowling pins around their faces. Jenni busts out into some spontaneous gymnastics. She executes a round-off, back handspring, back flip.
In a strapless top.
Good night! Did she staple the top to her chest? How in the world did that thing stay up? I bet she’s a little disappointed that ABC didn’t have to censor her nip with a little rose bud. I’m just saying…
Brad pulls Jenni away to tell her again that she reminds him of Katie Couric and that he has amazing chemistry with her. She decides to get serious and ask him if he can handle a long-distance relationship. And when you get serious with your fake boyfriend, you hold his had in a death grip to your chest. She takes a deep breath and starts chattering away.
She is a dancer for the Phoenix Suns and has committed to the entire season. She assures him that she wants to be the last one standing. Brad mumbles something about her allowing him to date other people and then tries to get to second base. Unsuccessful due to the Gorilla Glue holding Jenni’s shirt tight to her skin.
Brad moves on to Stephy who talks about her Dad the whole time.
She cries a little.
Sensing the emotional breakdown, Brad herds the girls backstage to watch the inner workings of the Ringling Brothers circus.
Next thing we know, the head clown grabs the audience’s attention by announcing some exciting news from the hanging microphone. The Sexiest Bachelor EVER is in the house- Brad Womack!
[Silence.]
Hi…ABC? It’s Lincee. Yeah…I don’t think these people have any clue as to what in the world the head clown was talking about when he presented Brad Womack, the Sexiest Bachelor EVER, to the circus audience. Maybe next time you could give a little introduction that you are the world renowned ABC reality hit THE BACHELOR and then hype up your boy a bit? You could show him in that shower scene and I bet…
[Audience sees Brad and goes nuts because of his sheer hotness.]
Well there you go. Shower scene not needed. What the heck do I know?
It’s at this point that we realize Brad has a thing for the circus. He is geeking out about being a guest ring master and even admits to the camera that he can’t contain himself.
“I feel like that kid from Titanic. I’m the king of the world.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
During the circus, Brad pulls McCracken away. He’s not sure of her intentions and admits that there is a friend vibe. McCracken is extremely upset to hear this news and tells him that she is not an insecure person and doesn’t need a rose to secure his affections. He confesses that this approach is refreshing and he escorts her back to the circus. McCracken tells the camera that dating Brad is like walking the tight rope…some people need a net and some people don’t.
$10 says the ABC psychoanalyst fed her that line. Seriously. McCracken coming up with that analogy? I don’t think so.
There were a few more circus moments but they are too embarrassing for me to write down. The wig. The clown nose. The dancing. Just trust me on this one. You don’t want to know.
Stephy gets a rose for putting herself out there by crying while talking about her Dad.
One-on-One Date
Hillary
Just Get Dressed and I’ll Take Care of the Rest!
Hillary pulls out a little trolley and a slinky black dress from her date box. Using both clues, she decides that her date destination will probably be San Francisco. Little did she know that ABC would rip-off the entire opera scene from Pretty Woman, right down to the million dollar jewelry around her neck.
Sister Solisa helps Hillary into her slinky black dress. She runs off to find some scissors. We’re not sure if this is to cut the dress into a short mini or to add another thigh-high slit. Regardless, Hillary is telling the camera her game plan. She’s going to be touchy, feely, keep him laughing and hopefully get a big fat kiss afterwards.
Unfortunately, she whined, moped, cried, gulped and got a sympathy rose at the end of dinner.
It started out with nervous giggling. Little eye contact.
Then it slowly turned into a trembling lip and watery eyes.
Cut to the other Bachelorettes talking about Hillary. Raise your hand if you want her gone? DeAHnna and McCracken raise their hands.
Back to Hillary: “I would rather give the shirt off my back and be happy and crazy in love than not find someone I can potentially like…someone I can fall in love with.”
Brad looks confused.
Bachelorettes: “I can’t believe you can be so rude?”
DeAHnna: “I’m just being honest. Why would I want her to come back? It’s a competition?”
McC: “I’m not here to make friends.”
Hillary: “I don’t want you to think I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and get married. I want them to love me for me…feel like I haven’t found that.”
Brad looks scared to death, takes a deep breath and hands her the rose.
Hillary: “I’m not going to look at you because you will make me cry.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Brad makes it all better by taking her to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. They make out and Hillary tells the camera she is in love.
Psycho.
Group Date Two
Boobies of the Caribbean
Sheena
Solisa
Kristy
Bettina
Jade
You can imagine what was in the date box. Sailor’s hat, anchor, pole for Solisa. Sheena is excited about the boat and the sails. She’s boated her whole life. Probably been to a regatta gala or two in her day.
Hey Sheena…we don’t know who you are. Maybe you should be excited about the hot guy beside you? Just a thought.
Sheena takes my advice and shows her adventurous side while risking her life (and Brad’s) on the wave runner. She shows her rebel side by being pulled over by the coast guard.
Bettina shows her dark side by admitting that she was married and divorced.
Kristy shows her fun side by steering the boat. Watch out Brad. She’s feisty! Brad gives her the rose.
And Sister Solisa shows her back side because, her words not mine, “All I can do is shake my butt really fast. So I did.” On his lap. Nice.
The Chad
Brad can’t believe his “identical” twin dropped everything to come to Malibu (in the same outfit because twins dress alike) and help him figure out which girls know the true Brad.
This has nothing to do with their bars, the Chuggin Monkey and the Dizzy Rooster, and how their sales have quadrupled since the Matthew McConaughey look alike hit the small screen three weeks ago.
Power of marketing people. I’m just saying.
Brad wants Chad to pose as him during cocktails to see who can tell the difference. He feels that if it’s real, she won’t be fooled.
The brothers, using their twin powers that only twins know, run down the list of girls, descriptions, likes and dislikes. Brad tells Chad:
Stephy: Likes her Dad
McCracken: Not intimidated by nets.
Jenni: Uses industrial strength duct tape to keep clothes on
Lindsey: Does not like work, but loves to water color
Sarah: Makes a mean Cosmopolitan
DeAhnna: It’s DeAHnna…not DeANNa
Sheena: Dude…try and figure out who this chick is, will ya?
Solisa: Your wife will kill you if you go near this woman
Kristy: She’s tall
Bettina: Tainted from a divorce
Jade: I’m questioning the length of her bangs. Is that wrong?
Brad stays in the limo to watch the action and give regurgitated one-liners fed to him by the ABC intern.
McCracken questions, but finally concludes that Brad has a case of the giggles. Lindsey dives in to deep conversation with Brad about engagements, camping and timelines. Not a clue. Sheena is suspicious right off the bat and tells him his voice is different and the weird patch of blond hair is not on his ear. She figures it out. Chad comes walking around the corner and Kristy screams, “You’re not BRAD!” Bettina figures it out after about a minute. And poor Sarah thinks Brad looks different but decides he’s just not himself tonight.
You think?
She decides it’s just her imagination. Bless her heart.
Classic Bachelor Line That Will Go Down in History:
Stephy: “Either Brad’s wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk!”
Later, our host Chris and Brad introduce Chad. Lots of freaking out, yelling, fantasizing by Solisa, pointing and gasping. Brad admits that it was a test and he feels it was important to know who knew that Chad was not the genuine article. All intentions were pure.
That has to make you feel good that some girls pay that much attention to you.
Or it’s scary
Sarah the fetus and Lindsey the swimming nanny/model were both
sent packing along with Sister Solisa. Sarah was distracted by Chad/Brad’s drink to notice it wasn’t really him. Trooper Lindsey tells the camera that she’s not going to cry over something that wasn’t there. Then she cries.
And then there’s Sister Solisa. I’m going to miss that girl. I felt that they had a strong connection. I mean, she did show him those “very special parts” of herself. I guess those “special parts” were not what he was looking for.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
