This morning, my colleague Nicole walked in to my office and shared with me that she had accidentally slept through the Bachelor last night.
Nicole: “Did I miss anything good?”
I shivered…literally shivered…at the mere recollection of last night. I’m sure a “bless her heart” is in order for two special girls, but I’ve reached beyond that reaction. I’m at the stage of hushed awe and utter disbelief. My eyes closed, head begins to shake back and forth as I allow the musical styling of Clarinet Michele and Sooner Carri to occupy precious brain cells again.
It’s been about two minutes. Noticing the pained expression on my face, Nicole quickly concludes that the show was, oh yes, VERY GOOD last night.
I give her a quick verbal recap. (They are so much better than the written version because I can use sound effects, hand gestures and props.) Then comes a brief case of temporary insanity where I suggest a quick trip to YouTube so that Nicole can truly appreciate what she missed.
You may be asking yourself, “Why Lincee? Why subject yourself to both ‘songs’ again? Was last night not enough? Didn’t you hide your face in a pillow? Press the fast forward button to put yourself out of your misery? Didn’t you pace back in forth in front of the TV wondering what was going on and why it was lasting so long?”
After picking Nicole up off the floor in a fit of giggles, and steering her back to her desk, you can imagine how annoying we’ve both become this morning singing, “SUMMERTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME” to the top of our lungs.
I do it with the accent of the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Group Date One
Come “Runway” With Me
Picker Ashlee
Kristine
Marshana
Noelle
Clarinet Michelle
Meeps Amanda
Erin H
Holly
As the girls gather around and peer inside the leopard print caboodle, they are thrilled to learn they will be attending a fashion show! Girly screams all around!
But wait. Our British Bachelor has a twist. They are not watching a fashion show, they are going to be IN a fashion show. And guess what? Hair and makeup for everyone! Girly screams all around! Again! You know I love those high pitched screams in unison!
Matty tells the camera that it’s not about who is the hottest. It’s about who gets on that catwalk and goes for it!
Noelle’s sweet old soul is first. She admits to being nervous. Matty gives her a token “Yeah Baby” ala Austin Powers to try and get her out of her shell. Doesn’t work.
Kristine admits that she would rather jump out of a plane before walking down the runway. Funny…her hairdo looked like she just jumped out of a plane.
Marshana is a pageant girl. Miss World Earth, remember? She struts her stuff hitting every pose perfectly.
Holly breaks out a little Michael Jackson and moon walks back down the runway. Matty thinks this is hilarious.
Ashlee has turned from country twang to rocker chick and sticks her tongue out a lot.
And finally, Amanda takes a few big gulps of air (wouldn’t want to meep down the catwalk) and attacks the runway with confidence, stopping only to REMOVE HER SHIRT to reveal a lovely Goldfinger bikini.
This is when I notice Matty’s plum sweater. Just an aside. It’s in my notes.
Our Bachelor takes the ladies (or eight hot chicks as he called them) to a penthouse suite complete with a view of Hollywood.
Marshana is quick to whisk Matty away. She has an important conversation she needs to have with him.
Marsh: “There’s something on my mind…a touchy subject. How do you feel about interracial dating?”
Matty: “It doesn’t even come into my head. It’s different in the UK. I picked you because you are beautiful and have an aura about you. The color of your skin is irrelevant.”
It’s at this moment you are probably wondering if the fact that she makes her own clothes is a plus or minus in Matty’s book when you sense something not good is about to happen. There she is. Michelle.
At least she left the clarinet at home. Can I get an amen?
She leads him to an ice cream table not far from the sectional sofa that all the other girls are lounging on. I can sense that I should hold the remote should I need to pause or fast forward. I prepare myself for the worst.
I was right. Michelle wrote Matty a song. OH YES SHE DID:
[Note: Read the beginning of each line as if Brittney Spears…you know…that moaning sound she makes.]
I want to find you
I want you to find me
I want to touch you
I want you to touch me
And I want to feel you
I want you to feel me
I want to find you
In front of me
Please let the record show that I paused the DVR after the first line. I got up and paced, muttering, “Surely not” to myself. Sat back down and I pushed play. We are at the third line now. I’ve paused again. I pick up the phone to call my sister, mumbling a mixture of bursting quick laughs and “uh-uh’s” over and over again. No answer. I rewind a little and play some more, while pacing. I realize my mouth has been open this whole time and shut it. I fast forward. I feel guilty because I write a recap, rewind and play again so that I can type the lyrics. I start to feel embarrassed. Poor Michelle. Break out your clarinet girl. Wet reed and all. And then ABC pans over to the sectional sofa. Eyebrows are raised, hands over mouths stifling giggles. And Matty. Props to you dude for not spewing your gin and tonic out at the first line. Academy Award over here please. That boy’s got talent.
It’s later that we realize Matty must practice self-hypnosis (see reaction above) and follows Picker Ashlee into the bedroom aimlessly.
Matty tells Picker that she was one of the top two on the catwalk. Picker tells Matty that she thinks he is super cute and awesome and that she’s been starring at his lips all day. Matty tells Picker that she has pretty lips and they kiss.
Still in his self-induced hypnosis, Matty wanders into the section sofa room, grabs the date rose and returns to the bedroom to find Ash practicing her facial expressions in a mirror. She asks why he’s giving her the rose and he answers that there is a connection between them. They kiss again.
The pair returns to the sectional sofa room. Matty is slowing coming out of his coma and feels the need to explain how hard it is to choose the rose girl.
Annoyingly, Ash hardly lets him get his speech out:
Matty: “I’ve had a great time with you all tonight, but…”
Picker: “But I’m the one that got the rose!”
Matty: “It really sucks that I can’t give you all one.”
Picker: “No it doesn’t!” (waving rose over her head)
Matty: “I don’t know what I was thinking because she bugs.”
Picker: “You think I’m a hot rocker chick!”
Group Date Two
What Happens in Vegas…
Amy
Carri
Chelsea
Hot Dog Erin
Kelly
Robin
Shayne
Look! It’s a box full of money and poker chips. We’re going to Vegas! Girly screams all around! LOVE IT I TELL YOU. DOES NOT GET ON MY NERVES AT ALL.
We learn that Robin and Matty have never been to Vegas. We learn that Shayne has been there a billion times and is so over gambling.
Matty gives each girl $1000 worth of chips and says whomever wins the most money will get a 30 minute date with him at the end of the night.
Robin, our conniving bachelorette, knows that she stinks at gambling, considering the fact that she’s never gambled before. In a shrewd move, she decides to break the rules and take the Bachelor away while the other girls are frantically betting on blackjack to win his affections. Nice one Robin. This chick is using her head.
In an act of sheer desperation, or complete need to have the camera back on her where it belongs, Shayne bets all her chips on red. The marble lands on black. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Shayne is very upset, works up a single tear, and confesses that she really wanted to win the date with Matty as it falls slowly down her cheek.
The grand winner is Kelly. Don’t remember her either? She’s blond and tends to talk with a fake southern drawl. Let’s sneak in on a bit of their conversation at dinner, shall we?
Kelly: “I’m athletic you know.”
Matty: “So am I.”
Kelly: “I can throw a good spiral.”
Matty: “The javelin?”
Kelly: “Uhm…a football.”
Matty: “Ah yes. American football. Why do you call it football?”
Kelly: “How should I know?”
Matty: “I think it’s time we leave.”
Kelly: “Have to go see the other b!tches don’t we?”
And this seals the deal. Matty laughs hysterically as they return to the slots.
It is at this point that our future-actor-of-America decides to wig out on the Bachelor. I almost want to skip this part because I am contributing to her drama and I simply don’t want to go there.
Here’s the short of it:
Shayne pulls Matty away, livid, that he is making her wait in the wings. Does he know who she is? Does he know who her FATHER is? He was in the made for TV movie Body Rock in 1984. Whatever. It’s not the point. The point is that she has to look at her boyfriend looking at other women all night long. This is beyond her and he needs to gain a little perspective on what he has standing right in front of him.
Matty tells the camera that the drama is a little too much for him. Hallelujah!
Cut to the group in the Napoleon wing of the Paris hotel. Everyone is hand holding. Shayne is pouting. Champagne is flowing. Kelly is talking to the rose.
Chelsea is babbling about how she is a happy fun-spirited person, but gets lonely. Shayne’s still pouting.
And then there’s Robin who we find sitting on the Bachelor’s lap at the piano playing classical music. Interesting. She tells the camera that she puts Matty at ease in a way the other girls don’t. Really…
Matty sits down for some one-on-one time with Hot Dog Erin. She asks him what he is looking for in a partner. Matty wants someone smart, funny, committed and who isn’t in it for the short term. Hot dog Erin is in love.
The Bachelor admits to the camera that he is a bit gutted because he has to leave Chelsea behind after tonight. He extends the date rose to her. Her silver lamé blouse rocking in time with her bouncing boobs and tight pony tail.
This, of course, throws Shayne into a tizzy and it’s time for her to lock herself in the bathroom. Luckily, and I mean luckily, the ABC camera guy was able to “weasel” his way into the stall and listen to Shayne talk about how she doesn’t need to fight for a man. The slow music is cued, Shayne puts on her big black sunglasses and slowly realizes that it might be time to go home.
She’s ripe for Lifetime Originals people. Just wait.
Gearing up for the rose ceremony, you can imagine my surprise and sheer love for our host Chris Harrison as he announces,
“Coming up…ANOTHER ONE SINGS!”
I think I gacked at the TV. That’s the best word to describe the sound that uttered from the back of my throat.
Rose Ceremony
Grant, Matt Grant pulls up in his 007 car in front of the house. First up…
Robin under the furry blanket.
Robin: “Let’s pretend there’s no one else here and we met accidentally.”
Matty: (apparently digging this game) “We got on the same train and I see you across the carriage. Would you give a little look? Or make me do all the work?”
Robin: “I’d meet you halfway. Want to meet me halfway?”
They meet halfway and kiss. Well played my friend. She’s good. She’s got it down. Matty is smitten. During their rather extensive make out session, he whispers, “I think this is my stop.”
Robin: “It would have been great to be first one for him to kiss, but at least mine was the longest.”
Next up…Marshana. She is upset. She wants to make out. Instead, she settles for swaying like 13-year-olds at the eight grade dance.
And then there was Carri. Oh Carri.
After finally getting some one-on-one time, Carri for some reason comments on her own dress. She then says, out of the blue…with a sense of urgency, “I sing opera.”
Please don’t.
“SUMMERTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME…”
Kudos to Matty for holding back and not busting out with, “IF I WERE THE KING OF THE FORRRREEEESSSSTTTTT!”
Here we are again. Back to Shayne. Short version: Daddy Lorenzo texted her and said that she needs to stay as long as possible on this show because he is THIS CLOSE to landing a spot on next season’s Dancing with the Stars. Taking one for the Lamas team, Shayne apologizes to Matty for her tantrum and assured him that she was in it for the right reasons.
Cut to all the girls dancing for the Bachelor:
Marshana getting busy and giving Matty a lap dance.
Amy doing the white man dance pretending to shop at the grocery story.
Amanda cranking the soulja boy dance with Matty.
Then Chris ruins it with a ching ching of the champagne glass.
No surprise. Roses go to:
Robin
Holly (there’s more to her than ABC is showing us)
Hot Dog Erin
Meeping Amanda
Kelly
Amy
Kristine…really?
Marshana
Noelle
Shayne
Erin leaves with a little dignity. Ironically, she was the one to complain all night that she didn’t get her chance to sing for Matty. Alas, the two singers were sent packing.
Carri back to Boomer Sooner. Bless her heart.
And Michelle back to her cat. The one whose purr she longs to hear. Oh to have that ginger tabby back in her lap where she belongs. The true…love of her life.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Awesome, Lincee.
Did anyone hear meeping Amanda ‘meep’ right at the beginning of the rose ceremony? It was right after Chris H said his spiel, but before Matty gave away the first rose. Play it back on your DVR’s – it was funny. Of course she also meeped when her name was called, but the first meep was hysterical. .
Last night was the best and your recap priceless… “IF I WERE THE KING OF THE FORRRREEEESSSSTTTTT!”. Can’t wait for next week.
Too amazingly hilarious!! I love Amanda for her ‘meeping’ and was mad mad mad when he picked Shayne at the end. Only consolation was that he made her sweat. And why, oh why would you sing opera to a guy unless, well there are really no unlesses in my mind – I just don’t get it!!
Lincee – I am crying laughing. Greatness.
I think Shayne is trying desperately to top Kim Kardashian, and land a reality show “Lounging with the Lamases” on E! Talk about Hollywood Entitlement Syndrome.
I want Erin to explain the “Hot Dog Vendor” as her career. Really?
As always….too funny! I LOVED your comment about swaying like 13 year olds at the 8th grade dance! Hilarity! Now I can get back to my day since I’ve spent the morning hitting refresh until I get my Lincee fix… Cheers!
I actually uttered a “Bless her heart!” out loud when Michelle went off on returning to her cat at the end of the show.
“The only true love in my life right now…”
*poor Michelle*
Nice recap, as ever, Lincee. It was a vintage show. I cringed through both songs. Did anyone notice that one of the girls–was it Hot Dog Erin?–threatened that, if she didn’t get a rose, she would leave the show with “a bang” and “a huge stink.” Whatever she meant, it gave me a chuckle.
Gotta love Chris Harrison playing air-concertina! Watch him work that squeezebox.
Did anyone else hear Shayne say something to the effect of “all these girls ‘eyeing’ for your attention” during her Vegas tantrum? Rather than “‘vying’ for your attention”? Maybe I made that up . . .
THE funniest part BY far was Michelle and her cat. Seriously?!?
Lincee you had me cracking up on the “caboodle” comment!
CZ–you totally did NOT make that up, she said “eyeing” for you attention. I was really hoping Matty would get rid of her, I’m already over her drama. Poor poor Michelle, did she not realize how sad she was making herself look?? Can’t wait for next week!
Thanks for posting! We’ve all been looking for it. I think a nice “Jim Halpert face” would have been nice when Michelle was talking about her cat. I think we can imagine at the next “Where are they now?”, Michelle will have about 10 more cats and will be playing her clarinet for them. Kudos!
Lincee,
Your recaps are the best part of this kuhrazie show…..truly worth the wait! What about Robin’s long peacock feather earrings? Talk about dated! Yikes!
Ok, I’m literally crying with laughter right now because you said you “gacked” at the TV…. I can just picture it. That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. Kudos to you, dear. Beautifully recapped.
And I’m sorry, but Kristine’s eye brows are KILLING me! UGH!!
Eyeing for your attention – thank you for catching that! Last night my roommate said, “I’m totally posting that if Lincee doesn’t catch it.” I was DYING laughing. I’m just so glad to know that there are others out there that are hiding behind the pillows on my couch, but tuning in every week!
Oh Shayne – puh-leeeze get over yourself. You’re a Sienna Miller wanna be and nothing more.
You need to go home and sooooon!
Shayne was annoying but she is a beautiful girl. Love her hair. I’m just saying.
Just wanted to let you know I love your recaps. I’m pretty sure you’re typin’ what we’re all thinkin’…even if we don’t know we’re thinking it until we read it, ha!
Anyway, a friend introduced me to your bach blog a few seasons ago and I’m almost as excited to read your recaps as I am to watch the episodes!
I wonder if any of the “contestants” ever read this…..do you know? I, personally, think it would be hilarious if they do.
Lincee- great recap as always! I think I spent more time hiding my face behind a pillow than actually watching the show last night. One of my favorite parts of last night, that wasn’t mentioned in your recap, was after the girls opened the second date box. Everyone was jumping up and down except for some poor girl, maybe Amy, who wasn’t quite sure what the clues “Sin City” and “take a gamble” added up to. She kept asking the other screaming girls, “Where are we going? Where are we going?” Priceless…
Does Kelly remind anyone else of Cameron Diaz??? Especially with her little pony-tail in Vegas….
Did anyone notice that Picker was still wearing the tags on her pajammies (!) when she was still obsessing, irritatingly, over getting that stupid rose with the group later? She and Shayne need to go out to the playground and just duke it out over which one is the more “mature” contestant. Perhaps a jump rope contest or similar would do the trick. Hmmph.
Is it me, or is Shayne wearing a bad wig?? Has anyone else noticed this? Loved the recap, as always. I wouldn’t be watching the show if it weren’t for Lincee!
I noticed the tags still on Picker’s pj’s as well. She was just acting SO immature after Matty gave her the rose, that was ridiculous. And Shayne is beautfiul but I thought last night she could’ve backed off the hot pink blush a little….but they are both 22 years old, that explains a lot.
Is it just me, or did the rest of you also hope that Shayne would pack up and leave as she threatened? If there’s one thing I can’t stand is a two-bit, riding-on-daddy’s-coattails, no-really-I’m-famous actress that won’t follow through on her threats!
Lincee…you left me hanging about the cat. I was hoping for a real zinger to finish it up. My Bachelor-watching bachelorettes and I fell off the couch.
OMG. Last night was the first time I’d watched this show. I was amazed – Shayne, what a whiner. Robin – can’t stand her. The singers – I was speechless.
Killer show — right up there as one of the classics of the program. Your description of how you were reacting during the talent portions of the night was copied by all of us last night — thank goodness you can fast forward through painfully awkward music — and I did, with no shame. Just couldn’t inflict all that on myself last night! HeeHaw DID have tags on her jammies as she gloated over the rose — that brat better stay away from any of the girls using a knife at dinner. The thing is, Shayme really is a lovely looking girl (plenty of excellent DNA to rely upon) but we haven’t seen arrogance or childishness on that scale since the Tiara with Boobs, and I predict that a knock-down cat fight is coming for her, HeeHaw and Marshama. Matty is turning out to be one of the best Bachelors!
Jess- I think its just bad hair extensions on Shayne!
Oh, P.S.: SUMMMERRR TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEE. I hollered!!!!!
OK – in one of the “and coming up next” clips, did anyone else notice when Matty said something like “You’re making me horny” during the fashion show???!! EWWWW. And again I say, EWWW!!! (They didn’t actually show that during the next segment, only in the clip).
Lincee – I noticed the plum coloured sweater at exactly the same moment. Perhaps it had something to do with it’s proximity to the gold-bra. Hilarious!
What about Shayne’s freakishly giant flower headband? What was that about? Speaking of freaky…. Does Robin seem a little off to anyone else? My group of girls and I noticed that she was staring, really intensely during some of her alone time on camera. I think we just haven’t seen the extent of her crazy yet. Props to the ABC intern for the leopard print caboodle, it totally made that clue!
Lincee, you didn’t mention Chelsea showing off her double jointed-ness after the show, the very end. did you see what she can do with her tongue? talk about ewwwwwwww!!! although i’ll bet matty loved it!!
Great post as always Lincee! And kudos on the website / blog “XP”.
Here is a scorecard from our couch –
1) Props to Matty for telling Shayne that of all the women in the competition, she was the one he thought would be MOST equipped to handle the situation. Sheer genius!
2) Neg to Matty for scamming on the 22 year olds who appear to be one-upping each other in a no-finger-snap-barred game of kiss-and-tell.
3) Props to Matty for scamming on the 22 year olds…
4) Props to Matty for not asking Carri to opera-ize “Chocolate Rain”
5) Neg to Matty for not getting video footage from the ABC Intern and subsequently posting a vocal montage on YouTube.
Didn’t anyone notice the date with Kelly and how drunk she was, slurring her words, and saying how well she could hold her liquor????? Too funny!
I am not a model, but the way Marshanna was stomping across the stage I thought she was going to put her foot right through it! And I am glad something else mentioned Robin’s feather earrings…I kept thinking they were loose pieces of her hair until I took a closer look! And I laughed out loud when Kelly said they had to go back to the other “biotches” after her one-on-one time with Matt….he busting out lauging and it was priceless!
omg the peacock feather earings.. worst ever.. and what about the tee shirt dress that looked like a swim suit cover up albeit a bit long but bad nonetheless.. it’s cocktail not pool party. Lincee you are the best.. but yes you did miss the tags on her jammies.. and the end credits with the tongue thing.. wow.. wonders never cease.
Picker’s black star choker was the perfect compliment to the sequin dress.
Kelly “Ican TOtally hold mylickerr” is trashy. I can’t believe he kept her, or that weird Robin. Or Kristine and her eyebrows!! Yikes. And you KNOW Matty was instantly regretting giving that rose to Ashlee when she piped up like that. She’s a goner for sure.
Shayne is just ‘eyeing’ for a gig of her own. Such supreme entitlement I’ve not seen.
matt seems to be the first bachelor who is standing up to the girls or coming back with remarks that they all must be thinking but are too politically correct to say. his words with shayne in vegas, his response to the underwear extravaganza. it’s nice to see someone responding in a realistic fashion! maybe it’s just abc not editing it out, but it makes me like the show and matt better!
what about the creepy way the song-stress was holding the rose at the end of the rose ceremony….seemed a bit demonic
Girlfriend, you rock ! I am laughing my a** off. If we could only get you to critique Idol, Dirt, and perhaps Wife Swap, my world would be complete. Nice job, chicklette !
Another thing I noticed was that our host Chris Harrison was wearing this kind of (I thought) odd-looking dark and light blue striped shirt about halfway through the show when he was meeting with the women…then at the end, Matty was wearing a very similar one during the rose ceremony…
Mwah mwah mwah moo moo moo mee mee mee — inserting fingers in ears — haven’t watched my TIVO yet! What I can tell from the post is that it was delicious fun, and your post possibly even more so. Anticipating this more than my first heavy petting!
Good Recap Lincee,
but seriously- why did he keep Shayne after his “i cannot deal with the drama that girl brings…”
she should have been sent packing!
Kuddos to Matt for reminding the drama queen Shayne, “You are in the same boat as everyone else”. Usually bachelors keep saying how sad it is and how bad they fell, yada, yada, yada. Have these girls not been watching the show forever, like we have?
The word Summertime is ruined for me from here on out.
Shayne: “You just about gave me a heart attack.”
Matty [whispered in Shayne's ear]: “They are making me keep you for the entertainment value.”
I feel ashamed that I forgot to read the post today…shame on me- blame the prego brain! Anyway- glad I wasn’t the only one who saw the tags on Picker’s pj’s. And Shayne totally saw it and laughed at her-but chose to leave them there instead of pulling them off. One thing that I couldn’t believe has not been mentioned: Where was Miss Opera Carri in Vegas?? Go back and look- I don’t think she was seen gambling or even in the casino- could this be b/c she works at a church and gambling goes against her morals. We see her later going to the suite- but that is it… maybe I’m just losing it? Fabulous as usual- even though we have some RANDOM girls left… LIncee- you and Joel McHale need to do The Soup presents The Bachelor show together!
Keep it coming!
omg…as I was watching american idol last night, i mean..the bachelor (sorry…I was confused with all the singing and instrument playing…and wondering when simon would chime in…) I predict a wonderful, hilarious season this year. I have also prepared a list of other suitable reality tv shows the bachelorettes can/will qualify for as they are knocked off. (ahem)
*MEEPS AMANDA – i love meeps amanda. if she is not a final pick, i nominate her as “the bachelorette”. can you imagine the first night..meeting 20 guys…with her chronic hiccups? lovely.
*AMY – “so you think you can dance?”
*PICKER ASHLEE – mtv:the real world (she’s not looking for love…she’s all about the shame/fame)
*CARRI – “american idol”. one round. the embarrassing episode.
*CHELSEA – hmm…tbd.
*ERIN S – “the apprentice” (come on..a hot dog vendor at the age of 33? she obviously knows how to sell meat..and sells it well)
*HOLLY – hmm…i got nothing so far, but let’s be honest, this a real life/walking/talking/grown up “cindy-lou” from ‘how the grinch stole christmas’
*KELLY – HA! i love this chick. (“i get to show matt that i’m nice..cool…can handle my alcohol…” abc perfectly edits the fruit falling off the spoon and kelly trying to play it off…nice. very very nice abc) bitchessss…i’m putting her on “vh1:rock of love”
*KRISTINE – “american gladiators”. perrrrrrrrfect. she can mock up some effigies of the other bachelorettes and shoot tennis balls at them.
*MARSHANA – “vh1:flavor of love 2″; “america’s next top model” (oh she can walk..shooooot…girrrrrlll….[z-snap]); “project runway”….maybe “bad girls club” (?)
*MICHELLE P – (sigh…) poor girl. “american idol” (one round only). then on to “america’s got talent”..then on to “the x-factor”…etc. etc. etc.
*NOELLE – not..enough..info..TBD.
*ROBIN – alright. i like the girl..she’s got the same name as me (yes..i am that cheesy/corny) but, i won’t lie, she’s had a few devilish/psycho/demon looks in her one-on-one interviews. i feel like she may have some claws…i fear a cat fight. due to determination & integrity…”mtv:the gauntlet”
*SHAYNE – uggggh. shaaaaayne. drama, drama, drama. as i sway-my-head-back-and-forth-like-shayne-i-just-feel-for-the-girl because she’s having feelings for this guy..that (gasp) she’s never felt before…but all these other girls are getting his attention..and shayne isn’t… hmm..what’s that called..that feeling.. i don’t think that’s romantic love shayne. i believe it’s called “unrequited love”. or..REJECTION. welcome to the real world, sweetie. we don’t always get what we want..like you. “mtv: the hills”
goodness…i just hope picker ashlee and shayne are not given roses next week. puh-lease.
Thanks for commenting! I have been reading your recaps for years! I look forward to them every Tuesday. I hope no one else decides to sing. I can’t handle it. I get too embarassed!
Best Recap yet…. I was dying as I read it. Almost as much as I died while watching the show. Are these women for real? Or is this just one giant joke now. I’m glad the singers are gone. I couldn’t take another rendition of some song I don’t want to hear.
Anyway… I was replaying the show on my Tivo when my 2 1/2 year old walks in… she should not be watching this. As I go to turn it off, its the scene where he kisses Ashlee (who looks way too much like Ashlee Simpson, I was confused for a moment). And my daughter says “Thats not her Daddy” as they kiss… then she watches a bit more and announces “oh wait, yes… that IS her Daddy”. I nearly died. Well put my 2-year old. She is WAY TO YOUNG for him. Haha….
Can’t wait for next week.
Lyncee and her readers,
I am from Carri’s hometown and do not know her but was rooting for her b/c of the hometown connection. HOLY FREAKING COW!! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!! Let me just say that we are not ALL total nut cases here in Bartlesville…or Oklahoma for that matter. I blew milk out my nose when she sang to him I was so embarrassed!!
Okay…doesn’t anyone else see that Kristine is the long, lost sister to LeAnn Rimes? SHE should be singing. Maybe she’s waiting until next week….
mzblongoria – OMG! You are SO on to something there with pairing Lincee and Joel McHale!!! That would be the best show ever!!! The soup is my favorite show as it is. It would be perfection!
Robin S. – That was FABULOUS but I would like to see Picker Ashlee and Marshana on a real life celebrity death match!
OMG…yes, Kristine looks just like LeAnn Rimes! Anytime they showed her on camera, I couldn’t concentrate because of it.
Lincee, you’ve hit the motherload with this season! Thanks for giving us all such great laughs!
chelsea reminds me of scarlet johannsen and someone else combined…..maybe sheryl crow. i haven’t quite pin-pointed who yet.
Isn’t ANYONE going to comment on Matty’s “I fancy the pants off of you” comment?? PLEASE??
Can we boot Shayne already? I love Matt, but losing respect if he keeps her another week.
IS IT JUST ME or does Michelle remind anyone else of Meredith from the Office? I think it could be her daughter!
Great recap! Thanks for your funny words!
Even the most cynical of us would probably like to see this chap succeed in finding “true love” with one of these women — he seems like a pretty good guy, a nice fellow, and about as much of a gentleman as we’ve had as a Bachelor. First, he needs to eliminate the girls, of which there are several, since girls simply will not stand the test of time, frankly don’t deserve this guy — and while the coming cat fights between these will be fun, watching the children at play loses its charm quickly. HeeHaw is an obvious no-go (his family will have him committed for choosing her, unless of course he presents her as a newly adopted daughter), as is Marshana (race isn’t the issue with her, it’s a total lack of maturity and dignity — the “sista” act isn’t a British thing), and it’s evident Shayne too lacks the maturity necessary, is “out of his league” as Matty himself said (I think he underestimates himself, but as to this girl I’m fine with his belief), and a few of the others whose names escape me. “Meep” is so far presenting herself very nicely, with maturity and grace, and good humor; Noelle seems like she has potential, as does Chelsea (hot dog vendor or no). Personally I don’t care for Robin (stalker tendencies, I fear) and Amy strikes me as just a bit too unsophisticated to make it. My gut is telling me Meep’s going to pull it out of the bag!
Lincee, did you see this: http://www.usmagazine.com/bachelor_andy_baldwin_marla_maples_get_cozy_in_hawaii
What do you think???
To #47 Robin- for Chelsea how bout “Beauty and the Geek”……can’t you see that……..and she might even last a FEW rounds! LOL And along with Kelly, I would add Shayne to vh1 “Rock of Love” as Shayne is sure showing the signs of wanting to be important when SHE’S NOTTTTTTTTTTTT! I also have to agree with your Robin comments…..I’m as lame as you with the name thing……i feel ya sistah!!!!!
I’m sure I’m not alone in my reaction to Carri’s operetta…stomach in knots, running from couch, repeating over and over – “no mommy, no…please, mommy, make her stop”. As I peeked around the corner, in same manner as freeway rubbernecking, I witnessed facial expressions previously only attributed to Jim Carrey…is the girl made of rubber? I’m nauseous.
And Shayne…dear Shayne…did she really say, ” I don’t really think much about the acting thing…it’s just a job…it’s just my job.” Really? Because I hadn’t seen Shayne in any feature films or Summer’s Eve commercials lately. I’ve traditionaly considered a job something that requires me to show up…or at least be hired for.
I agree, Lincee…it’s those we’re not seeing much of that will soon begin to take center stage…look out for the nice, cool ones (of which we’ve seen very little of at this point)…they always walk away with the man.
Lincee, this is fantastic. I’m trying something new this season where I read your recap before actually watching the show so I know what parts not to zone out on! Can’t wait to get home tonight and watch Carrie sing. I was fairly embarassed that she was from OK after the first episode… I now know that I have much more cringing to do with this episode!
One more thing- thanks for pointing out that Chelsea was wearing a silver lame (don’t know how to put the tilde on the e) top… I’ve noticed a comeback of this item… WT?
Kelly- I thought Chelsea looked like Scarlett too…..but also a lot like Shannon Elizabeth. Might be that she’s on Dancing with the Stars right now, but she’s the one that came to mind when I saw Chelsea. Anyone else see it?
Great recap – as always!
OK. I must be slow at work because I went to imdb and read up on our little Shayne.
The 13th Alley (2008) (post-production) …. Ashley
Deep in the Valley (2008) (post-production) …. Candi
Endless Bummer (2008) …. Red Bikini Girl
“General Hospital” …. Emily (18 episodes, 2003-2006)
– Episode #1.11079 (2006) TV episode …. Emily
– Episode #1.10936 (2005) TV episode …. Emily
– Episode #1.10484 (2005) TV episode …. Emily
– Episode #1.10545 (2004) TV episode …. Emily
– Episode #1.10541 (2004) TV episode …. Emily
(13 more)
“Air America” …. Flight attndant (1 episode, 1999)
– Heartbreak Hotel (1999) TV episode …. Flight attndant
How I wish I could be known as “Red Bikini Girl” – what a “job” she must have. Unless you count the 5 episodes on GH, I’m not seeing much of a resume that would necessitate the job title “actress”. I did musicals and plays from 1st grade up to high school and I even competed in UIL One Act Competition. That’s way more than 5 roles on GH. I was even the lead in some of the shows. So, perhaps I should get new business cards made up that claim me as an actress!!! Hollywood here I come!
I think you are a talented writer and you crack me up-I hope all my katymoms frequent your blog!
katymom.com
Instead of telling us her dad was a “famous actor” (oh yeah, Lorenzo Lamas is right up there with DeNiro), she should mention that her grandfather is the guy Billy Crystal immortalized with “You look maaavelous!”
Ive been reading since last Fall when I was seeking guidance understanding the whole Brad thing. Lincee you are awesome! I was looking forward to reading your recap more than the actual show!
There is one thing that might rival your written recaps though, and that would be if you did a video blog with a verbal recap like the one that you gave your colleague Nicole:
“I give her a quick verbal recap. (They are so much better than the written version because I can use sound effects, hand gestures and props.) ”
PLEASE ! ! !
Newbie, here. Hooked. I was supposed to be working tonight but just wanted to check out the “must read” my daughter-in-law has been telling about. Yeah, that was about three hours ago!
Boss: Are the financials done?
Jo: Uh, not quite, I was up all night doing intensive research.
Boss: Ah, glad to see someone is going the extra mile, bet your eyes were burning reading the new Rev rules and FASB pronouncements. Gotta make sure we got it right when we present to the Board next week.
Jo: No problem (lying through her teeth—- quips the A.D.D. queen)
Boss: Great, let’s meet this afternoon to go over the statements and your findings.
Jo: Sure thing, see ya then (I am woman, hear me roar)!
Let’s see, if I go to bed now I can get two maybe three hours sleep, get up at 4a.m., work until 6, jump in the shower, get to work at 7, be finished by 8. Yeah, righttttttttttttttttt!
I’m gonna hate having to wait until Tuesday mornings, thanks LB, No really……………..Jo
Is it just me or do you think that for the first few weeks that ABC has it in the bachelor’s ‘contract’ that they get to pick one person to keep on the show for ‘entertainment’? I think that’s how Shayne is sticking around and frankly, how Michelle made the first cut. I predict whomever is the freakiest next week will miraculously stay around another week too.
KarenS, I’m no show insider or anything, but I think the producers and Bachelor peeps can do ANYTHING they want. It’s their show. I have no doubts that in the beginning, the bachelor has to “choose” at least several people they decide on, for whatever reasons. Also, I bet you anything that this season, the bachelor had to sign a form promising he would pick SOMEONE at the end, no matter how much he didn’t want to.
I am kind of glad Marshana brought up the race issue. This show (and other similar reality shows I have seen) is so ridiculous. They throw one, maybe two, tops, black contestants in. They NEVER get eliminated in the first round (unless there are two; then one can go. The thing is you can’t get rid of ALL of them) and then they get booted in the second round. Third tops. They are kept around just long enough to try to keep the bachelor from looking racist. So anyway, I am glad she brought it up, but wasn’t sure what to make of his answer. “It’s different in the UK.” What does that mean? I’ve been to London multiple times and I am shamed to admit I can’t remember much of the race issue. Is interracial dating is more or less of a big deal than it is here? Any thoughts? The whole thing makes me want her to go farther and for him to actually like her despite her race, but I already have a bad feeling about it and assume she will get booted in 1-2 more shows.
Also, the cat lady was pretty wild, but in her defense, I imagine that they totally orchestrated that. We’ve read in other blogs that once girls are kicked off the producers keep at them until they say what they wanted them to say. Maybe they had her going round and round in circles about her life and future and making her feeling crappy. Maybe even, “Hmm, your cat’s pretty old, isn’t she? You don’t think she could have died while you were here, do you? How would that make you feel?” I mean, yeah, she was the one who said the actual words (which I admit were hilarious) but we don’t know what circumstances wrangled them out of her. If I was tired, half-drunk, confused and sad, and if someone kept after me for two hours, I might end up saying something equally ridiculous.
Can’t stand Shayne at ALL. If that is not her real personality and she is just making it all up to increase ABC drama, then I admit I would be impressed with her acting. Yeech.
I have to say, I lived in the UK for a year and I totally agreed with Matt when he said it’s different in the UK, because it is. The UK is just much more of a multicultural place, and interracial dating is not as big a deal as it is here. So this may be the first season an African American makes it a little farther? Too bad she’s such a nut job though, why couldn’t they have picked a nice normal African American woman instead of Ms Earth World???
Also, I have to agree with the previous poster that Matt seems to be the most “real” bachelor– I’ve been watching for a long time, and he’s totally my favorite. You can actually see his reactions to some of the crazies he’s faced with, and he even plays with them a bit, which I enjoy (ie, drunko on the first episode, “you know there’s no beaches in London!?!?”, etc.). It’s like we’re all in on the same joke, love him!
my heart totally stopped when I heard “summertime” WTF was she thinking? Seriously.
by the way, Chelsea needs to tuck in those elf ears. That ponytail was a tragic mistake.
Saw this on dlisted….
http://www.dlisted.com/node/24896
Sometimes I wonder if these girls go out and but the “trendiest” thing possible so they look cute on the show, never realizing how bad it really looks. Peacock earrings? Silver Lame’? Skirts cut up to their who ha’s? What are these girls thinking? I want to grab some of them by their shoulders, make them eat some cheesecake and put some sweatpants on them. Seriously.
Great blog Lincee, as always.
Ummm… that suppose to say “buy” the trendiest, not “but”. Whoops.
So sometimes when bored at work, I skim TMZ.com, whose stories I always take with a big grain of salt. But this one caught my eye:
Bachelor Screws Contestants: Defrauds Them Too
Posted Mar 29th 2008 12:43PM by TMZ Staff
If bachelor from “The Bachelor” Matt Grant marries one of the chicks from the show, it may have nothing to do with love.
Turns out Matty boy — a horny Brit — recently met a cutie at a bar. Sadly, for him, it’s someone who works for TMZ. He’s been in touch with her on a pretty regular basis. A few days back, he told her he wanted to permanently move to the U.S. and his lawyer advised him, the best way to do it was to marry an American.
Warning to skanks on the show who want to marry him — he’s gonna let you down (let you down), and leave you flat.
Lincee!
I thought of you immediately when I heard about this article (it’s being forwarded like crazy so I’m sure you’ve gotten it!)
but just in case you haven’t……
http://www.tmz.com/2008/03/29/bachellor-screws-contestants-defrauds-them-too/
WHAT a creep!
Keep up the good work bloggin about our bachelor and bachelorette! I LIVE for tuesdays to read them! Can’t wait for all the shame tonight!
Muah!
Suzanne
OMG — so much to work with just in the first 1/2 hour tonight……(3/31/08)
Reminder to self: Shayne “sawl” the rose on the table (twice??)…..UGH.
AB, I’m so glad you commented on that huge thing on Shayne’s head!!! I actually said out loud “what the h*ll is that?” I’m laughing now just thinking about it!
My 3 1/2 year old says “sawl” and it drives me nuts. So I slammed on the DVR brakes and did a rewind when I thought I heard it TWICE! Me thinks Shayne is not too bright.
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