iHateGreenBeans

We are back ladies and gentlemen. ABC with a new Bachelor. Lincee with a new snazzy website. Who knew the day would come that my dear friend Jason would cave under my relentless whining to PLEASE create a website for me so I don’t have to learn how to do it. I absolutely love it. YOU’RE MY BOY JD!

Let the recap begin.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

There he is! Our Host Chris Harrison! Look at how professional you are with a bright smiling face as you are forced to recite a spiel of ABC-fed facts and trivia on our British Bachelor. Where’s the witty banter we all know and love CH?

Oh there it is! An ill-fitting coat during your opening montage! You slay me Chris Harrison.

THE BACHELOR
Meet Matt Grant. He’s traveled halfway around the world to find true love in America. He’s a proper gentleman, 27-years-old, the youngest of five brothers, a banker, likes to carry a newspaper and umbrella when walking past red phone booths and FREAKING LOOKS HOTTER THAN CRAP IN THAT RUGBY PICTURE!

Hold the phone in the red booth and rewind the DVR.

Hey Matty. It’s Lincee. I know we’ve technically just met, but seriously dude. Let’s re-think the style of your hair. Not that there’s anything wrong with your current do, but man. You can pull off the buzz nicely. The goat is not bad either. Both, along with your v-neck polo shirt, accentuate a rather attractive neck that is sadly hidden when you wear a banker suit and skinny tie.

Back to Matty’s montage:
He left his job, family, friends and country to take a gamble on finding a strong, independent, outgoing and exciting American woman. Love has no borders. (Excuse me while I force my dinner of fajitas back down my throat.)

One would think that now would be a great time to meet the girls, but ABC is adamant that we get it in our thick little skulls that this dude is from London.

Therefore, our host Chris Harrison leads our British Bachelor into a room with 1440 candles and they discuss pretty much the opening montage again. The only new information we learn is that Matty believes he has a stupid sense of humor and that the Bachelorettes have no idea he is not American.

Meet the Bachelorettes

Alyssa
Biology Student
24
Why you remember her: She had on a green dress that pushed up her boobs.
Status: No rose

Amanda P.
Law Student
26
Why you remember her: Rambled about how since she moved to Las Vegas, her luck had changed. She gave him a tacky red dice souvenir to remember her by. Should have bet on black Mandy.
Status: No rose

Amanda R.
Account Executive
27
Why you remember her: Amanda bravely revealed on national television that she suffers from chronic hiccups when she’s stressed out. Alas…not a single hic (from her at least) during the entire show.
Status: First impression rose

Amy
Nanny
22
Why you remember her: Amy is in the top running for most awkward Bachelorette introduction in the history of the show. Super nanny turned super model for the 14 seconds it took for her to walk…nay…strut to her waiting Bachelor. Home girl stepped out of the limo and struck a Paris Hilton pose with her hand on her hip. She silently counted, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi” and proceeded to walk five paces, paused, three point turn, four paces and hit another unwieldy stance as she hastily asked Matty in a nervous high pitched voice, “Now turn for me!” Well played Amy. Big fat “E” for effort.
Status: Rose

Ashlee
Singer/Songwriter
22
Why you remember her: Oh Ash. Cute little Ash with her cute little gold dress, cutely caressing her cute hair extensions while babbling on about being so nervous. Is the dress going to be enough for him to remember her? What about her treble cleft necklace? Maybe she should blow him a kiss for good measure. Wait. I know! Pickin’ and grinnin’ is the way to a man’s heart.

Ash: “Can I play you a song on my guitar?”
Matty: “Bloody yes.”
Ash: “I wrote it myself. I can’t wait for you to hear it.”

Matty: “Fire away.”
Ash: “Huh?”

Matty (a little louder): “FIRE AWAY.”
Ash: “I don’t know what you mean.”

Matty: “Play. Strum your, how do you say, gee-tar and let’s get on with it.”
Ash: “I’m gong to have to learn those English phrases.”
Lincee: “You both speak English Ash. Fire away? You call yourself a musician? Ever hear of Pat Benatar? The closing line to the chorus of ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’ ring a bell? Oh…you weren’t a member of this planet in 1980? No excuse. Do your homework chick. Look alive out there.”

Ash singing with reckless abandon: “I want you! No one else could ever want you more. I’m crazy for you! I’m so crazy I compete with 24 other girls.”
Matty: “That’s awesome. You have an amazing voice.”
Lincee: Rocking back and forth in numbing pain.
Status: Rose

Carri
Church Marketing Representative
25
Why you remember her: She stepped out of the limo with her Grandma’s diamond jewel broach pinned ever-so-discreetly just below her bust. She exclaimed, “YOUR ENGLISH!” when our Bachelor said hello. She’s quick America. He asked where she was from and she replied Oklahoma. He commented that he liked the musical and they shared a laugh after a quick rendition of “Surrey with the Fringe on Top.” But it was not enough for Carri. Oh no. She must make her mark. But how to do it? The answer? By any means necessary. While waiting her turn for some one-on-one time with Matty, Carri grows impatient and decides to take a bite out of a beer can, removing a sliver of tin from her bloody tongue and broken teeth in order for the Bachelor to have a little something to remember her by. And it actually worked.
Status: Rose

Chelsea
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
24
Why you remember her: Chelsea was the girl that decided it would not be annoying to speak in a British accent all night long. She then asked the Bachelor if he wanted tea and crumpets and followed up that question with another…what’s a crumpet? Deciding to keep pouring on the class, Chelsea challenges our six foot five Bachelor to an arm wrestling match. He lets her win.
Status: Rose

Denise
Former Bush Aide
30
Why you remember her: She was the one having the boring political conversation with our Bachelor when the Sooner decided to eat a beer can.
Status: No rose

Devon
Makeup Artist
Devon, 24
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No rose

Erin H.
Event Planner
25
Why you remember her: Giggly Erin bounces up to our Bachelor and sticks her left hand in his face, showing him a piece of jewelry she purchased on the Home Shopping Channel especially for this occasion. She tells him it is a place holder until he puts the real thing on her finger. You rolled your eyes feeling sorry for Erin until she redeems herself by calling Hoochie Mama Stacey “the token nut bag” of the group.
Status: Rose

Erin S.
Hot dog vendor
33
Why you remember her: You asked yourself, “Hot dog vendor? Really? Huh.”
Status: Rose

Holly
Children’s Book Author
25
Why you remember her: After meeting 20 Bachelorettes who all told him how nervous they were, Matty mixes up his opening line by asking Holly, “Are you nervous?” She responds with an enthusiastic, “NO WAY!”
Status: Rose

Kelly
Medical Sales Rep
24
Why you remember her: Kelly thinks that if someone is from London, they must be royalty. She therefore extends a curtsy towards Matty as she leaves his presence.
Status: Rose

Kristine
Personal Trainer
32
Why you remember her: You don’t, but have sneaking suspicion that our Bachelor deduces her body must be amazing since she is a personal trainer and decides to keep her around for at least one romp in the hot tub.
Status: Rose

Lesley
Youth Minister
23
Why you remember her: As she stepped from the limo and her occupation flashed across the bottom of the screen, you wondered if she was going to do anything to embarrass herself. And that was the last we saw of her.
Status: No rose

Marshana
Fashion Designer
27
Why you remember her: You thought she was going to greet the Bachelor with a hearty “shalom” but instead she talked about how she made her dress all by herself. For the Miss Earth New York pageant. Shalom indeed Marshana.
Status: Rose

Michele
Interior Designer
28
Why you remember her: Poor Michele. I think she deserves the first bless her heart of the night. Besides Hoochie Mama Stacy, Michele definitely received the most one-liners from the little group of viewers that met at my house last night.

Stephanie: “She looks very Christmasy with the green dress and red hair.”
Caroline: “I think I wore that dress in eight grade. Except mine had sleeves.”
Jill: “I’d like to introduce her hair to my friend Chi.”
Lincee: “Calm down girls. Give her a break. Humidity does not help when trying to properly moisten one’s clarinet reed. And it’s extremely hard to concentrate when your green ball gown doesn’t allow you to sit while playing your instrument. Thank the Lord she brought her neck strap.”
Status: Rose

Michelle
Administrative Assistant
33
Why you remember her: No matter how much you play rock/paper/sisters, you are still 33.
Status: No rose

Noelle
Photographer
26
Why you remember her: She’s a sucker for an accent and asks the Bachelor to talk British to her. She admits she’s shy and reserved but understands the game and knows that there has to be a certain amount of initiative on her part. They talk family, board games and how they both feel like old souls on the inside. Then they fall asleep from boredom.
Status: Rose

Rebecca
Attorney
30
Why you remember her: She embarrassed herself by attempting to sexy dance in front of Matty. Someone stop her.
Status: No rose

Robin
Advertising Consultant
22
Why you remember her: He’s from London. She’s been to London! He likes rugby. She’s seen it on ESPN2! He likes to ride in airplanes. She’s been on an airplane! He speaks some French. She speaks some French! He likes hot tubs. She likes hot tubs! Match made in heaven.
Status: Rose

Shayne
Actress
22
Why you remember her: Matty admits to having an instant attraction to Shayne. Their one-on-one time consists of him asking her about LA and if she likes living the Hollywood lifestyle. Unbeknownst to him, Shayne is no stranger to Hollywood. You see, it’s no big deal, really, but her Dad is pretty famous. And so is her grandfather. I mean, who cares, but she has lived around the celebrity lifestyle since she was a baby. Seriously, it’s not anything to scream from the rooftops and she would never go on a reality show to find 15 minutes of fame, because she doesn’t need it. She’s sort of famous already. Whatever. Just because she’s the spawn of someone who was on Falcon Crest is nothing to brag about. It’s really not a big deal. Okay? Who cares that Lorenzo Lamas is her Dad. Do you really want to know that he won not one but two Soap Opera Digest Awards for his portrayal of Hector Ramirez on the Bold and the Beautiful and will forever be immortalized as the “dumb jock” Sandy used to make Danny jealous in Grease? That has nothing to do with her or how she grew up in the industry. She’s here for Matty and Matty only.
Status: Rose

Stacey
Graduate Student
26
Why you remember her: How could you forget is more like it. Her blue sparkly drag queen dress is the first clue that Stacey is going to be memorable. Too bad most of her sentences were either too slurred to understand or bleeped out by ABC censoring. And speaking of censoring, the heavy petting and footsie that was going on during Matt’s dual conversation with her and Erin H. was borderline Lifetime After Dark. Matty is having a nice conversation with Erin about where he would take her on a date should she visit him in London when Hoochie decides to interrupt because the conversation is extremely boring. Matty then turns the tables on Hoochie. It’s time for a game of wit. Let’s test your knowledge, shall we? We’ll start off with a simple one.

Matty: “If you were in London, what would your ideal date be?”
Hooch: “Going to the ocean.”

Matty: “Interesting. Of course, there is no ocean in London. Do you know anything about London a tall (at all)?”
Hooch: “They are good with cars. Prius.”

Matty: “London Bridge. London Tower. And you choose electric cars.”
Hooch: “I have a college degree in nutrition. I want to find a pharmaceutical (not a typo) that will cure something no one has thought of yet.”

We think the shenanigans of Hoochie Stacey are over, but alas, she’s still got some life in her. In one last attempt to win her man, she interrupts Hot Dog Erin and stuffs something white in Matty’s pocket. We are treated with a nice tight shot of her stripper tat as she walks out of the frame. Good work ABC! Poor Hot Dog and Matty think she has stuffed tissue in his pocket. Turns out it was her panties. White lace panties. The question we have to ask is not why Hoochie did this…we know why…SHE’S A HOOCHIE! The bigger question is why are Hot Dog Erin and the Bachelor touching the panties? Please step away from the crotch area.

Cut to Stacey passed out on a random sheet-less mattress in a bathroom. Nice job ABC intern. It’s good to have you back. Make sure you put that trash can by the edge, okay? Now go buy some candles or something and get that Christmas chick to stop playing that horn.

Classic line of the night by Super Nanny Amy: “Stacey’s passed out with her mouth and her legs shut. That’s good.”
Status: No rose

Tamara
Cocktail Waitress
23
Why you remember her: Uhm…I’m not sure who this is.
Status: No rose

Tiffany
Real Estate Marketing
33
Why you remember her: Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: No rose

And there you have it kids. It was a pretty good season opener. I’m sure we are all looking forward to the Austin Powers “horny” jokes next week. And I hope his humor comes out soon. Did everyone catch the ending credits with his dance montage? There is potential here people.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

It’s 10:49 a.m. The Bachelor begins in about nine hours. And I’ve decided to go ahead and let everyone know how annoyed I predict tonight will be when ABC and our pre-selected harem of girls point out the obvious fact that Matt Grant is from England.

I can understand Our Host Chris Harrison telling us that he’s from London. We’ll get a good five-minute montage I’m sure. That doesn’t bother me as much. I just have a feeling that the rest of the night will have a ton of British questions and random fascinations that will make the girls feel they are connecting with our Bachelor.

For instance:
Bachelorette 1: “Can’t Buy Me Love is my favorite Beatles song. What’s yours?”

Bachelorette 2: “How do you feel now that David Beckham is playing in the US?”

Bachelorette 3: “Would you rather be with someone like Jane or Elizabeth?”

Bachelorette 4: “Where’s your umbrella?”

Bachelorette 5: “Do you think Hogwarts really exists? If so, what house would you be in?”

We know that the girls will talk about how sexy his accent is. That’s a given. But kudos to the girl who busts out with a British accent to try and impress him. Oh…and extra points if someone comments on how he has good teeth. And please, PLEASE, let someone ask if he is related to Hugh Grant.

I also predict a lot of “bloody” talk from Matt.
“She’s bloody crazy!” or “Hand me that bloody rose Chris Harrison.”

It’s going to be bloody brilliant!

I’m on the phone with my good friend Chance last night and for some reason, we get on the topic of the top five Michael Jackson songs of all time.

Chance: Well…you’d have to put “Man in the Mirror” in there for sure.
Lincee: Of course. One of his best. And I’d put “The Way You Make Me Feel” near the top.
Chance: Clearly.

We then agree that “Beat It,” “Bad,” and “Thriller” can be left out of the top five. Good songs, but not top five material. I was pretty surprised that Chance and I were on the same page with that decision.

Lincee: Okay. Two down…three to go. “Smooth Criminal” has to be one of them.
Chance: Are you kidding? No. “Black or White.”

I almost hung up the phone. Clearly Chance is on crack.

And we haven’t even DISCUSSED MJ’s Off the Wall album.

So here are my picks. I had a little help from my I-Tunes to see which songs I listened to the most.
And the winners are…

1. The Way You Make Me Feel
2. Will You Be There (Free Willy soundtrack)
3. Man in the Mirror
4. Smooth Criminal
5. Wanna Be Startin’ Something (if I had to pick ONE from OTW)

Also right up there:
1. Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough
2. Rock With You
3. She’s Out of My Life
4. PYT
5. The Girl is Mine
6. Thriller
7. Billie Jean

What do you think? Have you heard “Will You Be There” and do you too see yourself one day singing this song in front of a gospel choir? Are there any songs we overlooked? Is Chance on crack for liking “Black and White?”

I got that response twice last night as I rushed home from a very aggressive game of whiffle ball.
What…you don’t play?

THE BACHELORS

Alex
Alex is a management consultant in New York.
AND we’re done.

Aaron
Aaron is the president of a bank and a restaurant owner of not one, but TWO establishments. Isn’t he successful? He wraps up his interview package by saying he probably should have picked Gwen or Brook instead of that chick who liked her dog better than him. He just oozes class. And if you are interested, he’s number G7S98 at the Springfield, Missouri sperm bank.

Andrew Firestone
I have to say little Andy Firestone has a special place in my heart. And it’s not because he has rich relatives. He was my first season of Bachelor blogging and I still remember Amber Waves of Grain talking about the Olive Garden as if it were yesterday. He reminisces about falling in love with Jen and how she moved to San Francisco to work on his famous relatives’ vineyard. But the euphoria wore off and reality set in. It’s been five years since the show and little Andy Firestone is happy and planning a wedding with the love of his life. She is super pumped that he was able to sow his wild oats on the Bachelor in order to spend quality time transforming his famous rich relative’s turn-of-the-century barn on the famous Firestone vineyard into a reception hall for their nuptials. And did you catch the end of the show? Interviewer asks little Andy Firestone what the most dramatic moment of Bachelor history was, and he answered, “Whenever Chris Harrison told me THE MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT EVER…COMING UP!” This is why we love little Andy Firestone.

BACHELOR BOB!
Who doesn’t love Bob? And who thought he got ROBBED when he didn’t win favorite Bachelor of all time? Let’s all overlook the fact that he sang, “After All” by Peter Cetera and Amy Grant with Mary Mary during the infamous karaoke slumber party episode. (Is that blood coming out of my ears?) Sweet Bob has no regrets! The show has extended his 15 minutes of fame and handed him a hosting gig for ABC daytime (what?) and a wife to boot from All My Children! (Bob, Bob, Bob (can I get a slow clap going?) Bob, Bob, Bob!) And he DOES look like Matt Leinart!

Jesse Palmer
Jesse is the New York correspondent for Canadian entertainment news program. I wonder if that show makes him wear a shirt?

Butch Wax Byron
We all know Mary Mary went a little crazy on Butch Wax and they are no longer a couple. I wonder how they were able to achieve “Most Romantic Moment” in Bachelor history? I know I wrote the recap that season, but did anyone watch those episodes? And why would they show Mary Mary jumping in his arms after the proposal exclaiming, “I LOVE THIS MAN” with wild abandonment and a bunch of crazy extremely noticeable in her eyes?

Charlie
“This is Kush.”

Dr. Travis Stork
Dr. Travis is currently starring in a medical talk show. I guess “Don’t Be That Girl” book sales did not land him a monthly guest speaker spot on Oprah.

Prince Renzy
Poor Prince Renzy. He was voted, bless his heart, worst Bachelor EVER.

Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, an Officer and a Gentleman
Lt. Andy is serving our country on an underwater recovery mission in the south Pacific. No clue what that means, but he did come away with a few wins tonight. He was voted Best Bachelor and “Most Dramatic Moment” in Bachelor history. Remember when he left poor Peyton on the deck of that ship and flew off with Tess in the helicopter as she cried her eyes out? Isn’t memory lane fun? I would have to disagree with America though. I think the chick who talked about her eggs on national TV during Dr. Stork’s reign was pretty dramatic.

Hotter than Crap Brad
Denied the ABC network and refused to interview. I’d say that was pretty smart. Didn’t want to miss all the bar traffic from SXSW.

THE GIRLS

Jenni Couric
ABC reminded us how Jenni Couric felt when she was jilted at the Home Depot altar by Hotter than Crap Brad. Well she showed us! According to her, life is more fabulous than ever. She can be seen on the cover of Scottsdale Magazine, has rekindled an old flame and is engaged to her soul mate Russell who proposed in a gorilla suit. PS: her kids’ names will be Hayden, Cooper and Harley. GO SUNS!

DDAHnna
Don’t mess with DDAHnna. Even though she was devastated at the result of her love quest with Hotter than Crap Brad, she picked up her heart, put it back together, plastered on a fake smile and waited for her family and America to fall in love with Brad so they too could be completely shocked and confused by the outcome! WHOA! She later found out on the Ellen Degeneres Show that she has been named the new Bachelorette. And what better way to find a smart, kind, caring, funny guy who loves his family than by doing Pilates during the “Where Are They Now” interview package? Every man needs a woman with a strong core.

Trish…Jesse Palmer season
Trish still does what she pleases. She’s not ashamed that she crashed Jesse’s date with Peaches-N-Cream Barbie and is proud that she had the last word. She doesn’t think twice about the Bachelor, still owns her gold digger t-shirt and is now engaged to a delicious man who is quickly filling her passport with stamps.

TiErica
Nice boobs. Seriously?

Bevin
Our host Chris Harrison tells us in one sentence that Bevin MIGHT be engaged.

Moana
Mo is definitely engaged.

Brook
Brook is married and is a reporter on a local TV station in Birmingham and runs marathons. Her husband is mute.

Heather from Texas
She’s married to a high school classmate and has a reporting job for the CCCA. That’s something to do with fishing.

Emotions out of hand Christi (Aaron’s year)
It’s been five years since the Bachelor and Christi has found a job she loves, a successful career, a house that she owns, a yellow Volvo and dog that is the love of her life that happens to be the only man she needs. Oh Christi.

Kristin (Renzy’s year)
Kristin finally found a guy who appreciates the skillful art of making false teeth out of orange peels.

Trista and Ryan
They are perfect with a perfect baby.

LONDON CALLING
Matthew Grant is British. I myself am loving the accent. I have to say that he looks a little bit of an extrovert and I feel ABC has searched high and low to bring us a nice crop of crazies. Our Host Chris Harrison thinks this just might be the best season yet. We shall see!