Sorry about that. Work totally got in the way of my recap today. What’s up with that?
My friend Nancy Jane picked me up from the airport yesterday and was at my house when I began to make the nest for my Monday night ritual of Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars watching. [side note: thank you Jesus for TiVo] Anyway, I invited her to stay and watch. She was pretty excited to see how “I work” when reviewing the show. Sadly…I just sit in a trance and type every single thing that comes into my head. It’s not very entertaining.
I actually spent more of last night laughing hysterically at NJ’s comments. And they weren’t anything about The Bachelor due to the fact that it was SO LAME last night.
This is when I get nervous. That you guys are expecting greatness and I’m left to recap a mediocre piece of crap that wasted 37 minutes of my TiVo space. How am I supposed to make you laugh and bring joy to your Tuesday when absolutely nothing funny or remotely cringe-worthy happened?
I guess we’ll have to squeeze as much out of the nipple comment as we can get.
Soooo did not mean for that to be an innuendo, but I’m leaving it. Because that’s as good as it gets people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our host Chris greets the remaining six women with a reminder that there will be NO roses up for grabs this week. Matty will be taking the girls on two one-on-one dates and a group date. This is very important because he will be sizing them all up to see which families he wants to meet and which gene pool of crazies he wants to steer clear of.
Our host tells the girls that things are going to be a little different. You see, it’s very exciting, so they need to hold on to their slim knitted scarves and fuzzy knitted hats (except Shayne who is wearing a signature fedora) because…wait for it…you are going on a trip to…wait for it…
SUN VALLEY, IDAHO!
I have to admit, I looked quizzically at Nancy Jane for confirmation. Sun Valley? I know it’s one of the great United, but do we think of Idaho as being a destination state? She assured me it was a cool place and ABC wasn’t low balling the travel budget.
Lots of screaming and pushing to get upstairs to pack their bags.
I know. You bored? Here you go…nipple.
They arrive in Idaho and Matty is super pumped to be able to ski in The States. He takes the girls to their chateau begins to playfully throw snow balls. Meeps giggles and throws a handful back. Shayne jumps on Matty’s back and kisses his neck. Robin crafts a bow and arrow out of a nearby tree and attempts to knock Shayne off. Chelsea has started to build a fort around Matty and Noelle looks awfully confused at all the commotion. Meanwhile, Marsh is standing a safe distance away. She looks fabulous, so she says, and doesn’t want to get snow all over her outfit.
He begins to chase after her and she pulls away. Matty gets his ego bruised and starts to turn to slam dunk Noelle in a bank of snow when Marshana gets a clue and pulls back a bit. She tells the camera she let him win and that the whole experience was quite sexy.
I know…I know. Nipple.
First One-On-One
Experience a Winter Wonderland
Chelsea
Chelsea is so excited to land a one-on-one with Matty. They are going on a sleigh ride! We hear those sleigh bells jingling as the Budweiser horses come clomping around the corner. Matty gives a token “tally ho” and they are off.
Immediately, he asks Chelsea who has the bigger ass. You can tell that Chelsea is confused and trying to think of a political answer to give. She knows the biggest chip on her shoulder. She knows the biggest attitude. But ass? It could be anybody! Matty laughs and admits he was joking about the horses. Chels cackles hysterically, nearly spitting out her Starbucks poured into a Sun Valley mug because we haven’t quite talked the coffee company into product placement.
Nipple.
Matty tells Chelsea that he loves her sense of humor…it was the first thing he noticed. She agrees and LOVES that he is into her sarcasm. Matty then drops the bomb and tells the viewing audience that he needs to know if this is more than friends.
Did we NOT just go through this exact same scenario with Holly? C’mon Chelsea. Show him that you are interested. The gauntlet has been thrown. How are you going to respond?
By telling him she hates public displays of affection and has a weird phobia to hand holding of course! NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS BUDDY!
Matty takes Chels to eat dinner in front of the fire and gets serious:
Matty: “I really don’t care for your sense of humor. You are too dry and sarcastic.”
Chelsea stares blankly at him and is about to whip open a can we he interrupts just in time with a hearty laugh.
Matty: “SYKE!”
Chelsea: “Matt! I almost believed you!”
Lincee: Nipple.
Even though our Bachelor is smitten with dear Chelsea and jokes around with her as if they were best mates, he is concerned that she is not forthcoming with kisses and compliments.
Chelsea: “Some people don’t get to see the romantic, shy and vulnerable side of me. I want to be how I want to be with you. (huh?) Put me in a romantic situation and I’ll embrace it. I completely dig you. My parents would love you. Can you excuse me for a minute?”
Random? Yes. Do we typically get to see the Bachelorettes excuse themselves for a potty break? I remember that one time when the chick had to go outside and collect herself before accepting the fantasy card date but something was not right in Sun Valley…
Chelsea runs to the bathroom and rolls out about a yard of toilet paper so she can write the Bachelor a love note. Then she decides that’s too much like something “best mates” would do, so she digs out an old deposit slip in her purse and writes in her best penmanship:
“I want to spend more time with you and get to know you in other ways.”
[Code for: I want to see you naked.]
“I would love to spend alone time with you in your suite.”
[Code for: I want to see you naked.]
“Can we make our own fantasy suite at your place?”
[Code for: I want to see you naked.]
Matty tells Chelsea that he would love it if she came back with him to his suite.
[Code for: Finally…I get to see her naked.]
He tells the camera that he hopes they can turn a corner and find romance…or condom.
Later, we find the girls inside their hotel room waiting for the magical date box to appear. When it finally arrives, Marshana is the only one to shriek to the top of her lungs because Meeps is meeping, Shayne is concentrating on re-gluing her dangling false eyelash, Noelle is daydreaming about rainbows and unicorns, Chelsea is distracted from a rather large belch she’s working up by chugging IBC root beer and Robin, of course, is too cool for school and refuses to make a fuss like all the other robo-Bachelorettes that have gone on before her.
Skiing with the group
Meeps
Shayne
Robin
Marsh
Matty loves the snow and he loves that there are two virgins on the slopes with him. Marshana and Meeps have never been skiing before.
That lame line has intern written all over it. I suspect he is still cracking himself up. Sort of like “nipple” is for me today. We’d be great friends…me and the intern.
Anyway…
Matty says that Amanda is looking hot in her gear and affectionately tells her to stick her ass out whilst teaching proper ski techniques. Meeps thinks Matty was so patient with her when teaching how to properly position one’s ass down the slopes and concludes that he will be a great father one day.
It’s now the other virgin’s turn to get instruction from Matty. Poor Marshana is already in pain and she’s only standing there. She falls down…a lot…and dramatically flings her poles above her head. I think she did it on purpose to have Matt help her up. But he never did. I think it’s because he was checking out his own personal “snow monkey” by the name of Shayne Lamas.
She’s growing on me ladies and gentleman. The more I see the snow monkey, the more I like the snow monkey and her blatant embrace on her little skewed version of life. Home girl challenges the Bachelor to a downhill race. She wants to show him a good time so he can get his mind off of his silly date with Chelsea. Shayne boards down the mountain and wipes out hard. Matty comes to her rescue and she insists he sit down in the snow to keep her company.
Shayne begins her practiced soliloquy about how she is ready to settle down. She is able to perform the entire speech while applying lip gloss, plucking her eyebrows and putting on another coat of mascara. Matty comments on how she had the entire contents of her makeup bag conveniently tucked away in one of the many pockets of her super cute snow monkey jacket.
He finds this endearing. She laughs and says in her best baby voice: “Don’t make fun of meeeeeeeeee!” right before they begin making out right there on the blacks.
Robin uses her alien senses and is able to pinpoint the exact location of Matty and Shayne. She zig-zags her way down the mountain and plops herself mere feet from the snow monkey. Shayne is furious. Robin always steals one-on-one time. Reluctantly, she hoists herself up and continues down the mountain, effortlessly even though she’s holding a butane-powered curling iron.
Robin settles herself in Shayne’s butt-print and nuzzles up under the Bachelor’s chin. She tones down the crazy a bit and asks him why she was not asked to be on a one-on-one date?
Matty: “I know you so I don’t need to have one-0n-one time to figure that out.”
Too bad he didn’t mention to Robin that he knows that she’s CRAZY and is afraid for his family and their bunnies if she comes anywhere closer.
Of course it would be a ski trip if there weren’t bikinis and hot tubs! The girls all dip in the water…loved snow monkey’s hair piece by the way…and Meeps decides to take Matty off to the secret bungalow. They talk about her family and how she is excited for him to meet them. She’s worried about culture shock and teases him about red necks, double wide trailers and cooking possum. I’m sure it was way funnier than what my notes said. Regardless, he felt there was a connection.
Second One-On-One Date
Let’s warm up before we hit the ice
Noelle
Sweet Noelle is so touched that the Bachelor put REAL SNOW around her mug of hot chocolate and then used a covered dish to keep it from melting. HE’S SO SWEET!
Hey Noelle? It’s Lincee. Yeah. Do you really think that Matt a) came up with that idea and b) actually walked his happy butt over to your chateau, rang the bell and ran off to hide behind a bush? That would be my good friend the intern. Maybe you should give kudos where kudos are deserved.
Matty’s objective is to really get to know Noelle…in the Biblical sense. Just kidding. Or am I?
Seriously. I was so bored with this date that I don’t even know what to say. They talked about both having been in a horrible accident…but we didn’t get any details. They almost bust it on the ice, but they don’t. He thinks he likes her…but he’s not sure. It was beige.
Back at the playground…
Marsh: “I’ve risen to the occasion. I’ve seen how he lives and I want him to see how I live.”
Robin: “Really? You’ve never been to London. How do you know how he lives? Do you think this is his every day life?”
Chels: “You’ve always had a negative attitude and I know you don’t want to be here.”
Marsh: “DO NOT MIS-QUOTE ME! WALK OFF. WALK OFF. WALK OFF.”
(Then Marshana follows her after demanding she walks off…)
Marsh: “I am a great, nice, good, polite, kind, enjoyable, lovely, congenial, attractive, beautiful, wonderful, friendly, loving, giving, charitable and a delight to be around. I am who I am and you do NOT have to like it.”
Nancy Jane: “She forgot humble.”
Rose Ceremony
Marshana feels like she’s about to get the boot for her little “outburst” the night before and tells the camera that it’s hard for girls to live together without getting in a fight.
Noelle is confused because everyone has said they feel a connection with Matty. So who is going home then?
Chelsea is nervous that Marshana is going to rat her out and tell Matty about their fight the night before. Cut to Marshana ratting Chelsea out about the fight they had the night before. Chelsea interrupts and tells Matty she wants to be with him. In his bed. Okay I made that last part up, but this was seriously a boring episode.
Shayne re-applies a sixth coat of lip gloss, talks about how her 17-year-old sister could force Matty into loving Shayne and then makes out with him on the couch. Snow monkey style.
Robin babbles on about Michigan.
I have to say I was a bit surprised that he let Robin go. I thought ABC was trying to trick us into thinking that Chelsea was a goner, but her homemade fantasy card ended up doing the trick. Way to go Chels!
Marshana left with her head held high…ironically sans Indian head dress. She is proud that she played rugby. She got in a pool. She was 100% lady and that is the way she is leaving. She concludes that she is amazing and gives a kiss goodbye to the camera.
Robin on the other hand…
Daggers. Piercing daggers with her eyes. She’s got that look down pat. She’s shocked that he made such a bad decision. She marches up to the Bachelor, holds out a hand and utters, “bon soir” as she leaves the room. She’s off to make her voodoo doll of Matt Grant. He’ll have weird sudden body pains next week. Watch for them…
Speaking of next week—it’s home town dates for Shayne, Noelle, Chelsea and Meeps.
And Meeps’ Mom.
Who appreciates a good smelling man.
And a good nipple tweak.
Who doesn’t?
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Classic Lincee, Just Classic. I laughed harder at your recap than I did during the whole show!
Nipple! oh wait. . hold on. . Nipple! You are so great!!
Thank you! You not only made a great re-cap out of a boring episode but…you also succeeded in making me pee my pants just a little bit….Nipple!
I think Chels is gone after the home town dates, He wants romance, she wants what I haven’t figured out. If she can’t show something in public, he won’t keep her. Matt appears to be the type of man who wants to cuddle and hold hands in public. It wouldn’t faze him in the least to steal a kiss in public, Chels is not going to change. Meeps, well she is more forward than we are led to believe, I like her. Shayne reminds me of high maintence. I don’t think it would last with them. Noell is truely a dark horse. There is more to that picture than we have been told. While the date may have been beige, the embers were getting stoked. She held back just enough to keep him wanting more. She is smart, coy, sexy, and sits back and takes it all in. She isn’t as flamboyant as Shayne but more outgoing than Meeps. She competes on a different level than the other women.
Although we all hate to admit it, I do really enjoy “Snow Monkey” [; Her connection with Matty really lets him treat her like a baby and he is able to be the studly British gentleman that he is. Super Stoked about next week of course!
Kudos to you Lincee.
well all with Shayne getting a hometown date we all get to see how well Mr. Lamas has aged. It is going to be so funny! I can’t wait for the recap on that one.
I don’t know….I kinda think Noell is too boring for him. (Don’t get me wrong – I think Noell is adorable but I don’t know if they’re well matched – I’m hoping the hometown date will uncover more of her personality). But I think Noell’s shyness is reeling him in but I’m not sure if there is any cleverness to her. He digs Chelsea and guys love women who are a challenge…I think it’ll be Chelsea, Shane and Meeps.
I was going to comment on some things… but then some of you would probably disagree and be condescending…
and I will NOT HAVE THAT!!!
Boring episode, you are certainly correct, but YOU, dear Lincee, did not let us down this week!
Ok, some observations that are just SCREAMING to be made:
1. I hate to admit it, and I truly never thought it would happen, but I have actually become a fan of Shayne. She’s growing on me. Despite my initial reflex of disgust, she really seems genuine, self-deprecating, funny, and kinda charming. She even seems to make an effort to help out the other gals. Huh. Who woulda thunk. (P.S. who WOULDN’T be amused by a girl who keeps a train-case of Nars jammed in her coat pocket on the side of a mountain.)
2. Robin = SCARY. More and more so, it seemed, with every passing minute of the episode. Until, in the climax of rose-ceremony-horror, she reached something that I think can only be described as “critical mass.” Frankly, I’m amazed our bachelor made it out of there alive, what with the hole she so thoroughly attempted to burn through his skull with her laser death-ray vision. This single handedly brings “Crazy Eyes” to a whole new level. Dodged a bullet with that one Matty. Whew!
3. Marshana. I know everyone has mixed feelings about her, but mad props for leaving like a rock star. (But I have to ask, did anyone else notice a distinct lack of armpit grooming when she was on the couch with Matty??)
4. I’m a fan of Meeps, have been since day one, and I am in LOVE with the fact that she offered up opossum on the menu for her home-town date. Not too much meeping lately either; maybe it’s her new road-kill free diet.
5. Noelle is the winner; I’m calling it now. I love the fact that she hasn’t been fawning all over the bachelor since she arrived and has actually taken the time to see if SHE is interested in HIM. What a concept! Mega refreshing. She strikes me as smart, real, and drama-free. While watching their ice-skating date, I felt like I might really be witnessing two people who could actually fall in real-life, away-from-TV-and-the-producer’s-formulaic-fairy-dust LOVE. I’m diggin it. (Plus she’s a red-head, and we ginger gals need to stick together)
6. Momma Meeps stroking the nips… “I have no response to that” ~ Meg Ryan in Joe v. the Volcano
Clever minds rise above – and defeat – the darkest of circumstances. You, dear Lincee, outdid yourself. I will suffer through the most boring of Bachelor episodes if it results in your pulling a hilarious rabbit (or nipple) from a dusty, dingy hat. You go girl.
Funniest recap and SOOOOO much funnier than the show (how does one DO that??). Oh how I wish Lincee did a “Dancing with the Stars” recap, too. (but then she might become one of those suicidal bloggers?)
One thing–after reading some of y’all’s comments, I went upstairs and watched the ending again and I’m here to tell you…in Georgia, there was NO feeling of breasteses at the end (between Shayne and Matt?)–they must have edited it out in the Bible Belt?
And watching the part at the end while they roll the credits–I felt a warm spot for Marshana as she tried to learn to ski–she really did *try* and isn’t that what love is all about?
Sheree, I’m also in Ga.. while we can blame the bible belt on many things, it actually wasn’t edited out here – it was a preview to next week’s episode, when Meeps’s mom fondles Matty.. yikes! Is *she* from GA???
Lincee – love it, read it every week. And I truly believe this is the best Bachelor thus far…. what about the Matt robot dancing with Noelle on the ice? I was laughing like crazy at that – he even said – I am like a robot on ice!
Okay, despite the boring episode, there really were some stellar quotes and graceless moments:
1. Robin to Marshana (during her raging storm of sputtering nonsense and denial) muttered “your logic is obviously impenetrable”. I found this to be a fine use of sarcasm in a quite awful situation. And I plan to use this word often.
2. Marshana’s quote out doors after the rejection and before the wonderfully gratuitous shot of her tumble up the stairs “I am still 100% the lady that I arrived being” PRICELESS. I rewound 4 times and roared more with each viewing!
One other favorite moment – Shayna’s falling down the stairs on her way to the ski trip – cute as GD pie I say.
Nipple! Nipple! You kill me, Lincee!!!
I am calling it, Shayne and Noelle in the final two. And I LOVE that TWO Colorado girls are in the final four!
dont read if you dont want me to spoil it
i know who the winner is, she is a dear friend of mine……its shayne
I have to give props this week to whomever (whoever??) edited in Marsh-”i AM God’s gift to the world”-ana tripping on her dress/going up the steps as she left while her voiceover was talking about how she’s such a lady, etc…Classic.
It takes true genius to make something this funny out of an episode that was that boring. That was one of your better recaps, my dear. Great job!! Nipple. I think I may start using that as my valediction. That’s just priceless.
GO AWAY. How effing obnoxious.
When Matt didn’t choose Robin at the end I was all, YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!! That bitch is GONE! I hated her.
I’m calling Noelle and Shayne for the final two.
I was referred to this blog by a friend and .. wow … if the blogger thought the episode was boring, she should be on this end reading her blog, talk about boring. I can go anywhere for a simple recap (which is what this read like) and is it always this bitter? I thought she was a fan of the show … couldn’t prove it by this. Yawn. I won’t be back.
Lincee, you have absolutely no reason to be nervous. Whether the show is good, bad or mediocre – your recaps give all the witty, sarcastic and comical things we want to say, but can’t. Don’t feel pressured. We’ll love you and your recaps no matter what.
Nipple.
I was kind of hoping Marshana would not fall into the stereotype of how minority women are portrayed on reality television, but she kind of did. Not as badly, granted, but that stereotype is so pervasive, and I was hoping she would prove it wrong. I think our Matty got rid of stalker Robin because she kept interrupting other people’s time. She may have thought she was being competitive, he may have thought…. “PSYCHO!” Noelle’s the dark horse. I think she may win it. I love Meeps, but… Nipple. Need I say more?
Nipple…. hehehe
i didn’t even watch the whole thing – i got to robin coming to break up the snow monkeys, and i had to turn it off!! eeek!!!
i said in the last recap it was Shayne!!! matty was interviewed in people mag and he said he likes really girlie girls who are also athletic. marsh could not do rugby or ski, bless her heart. a girl who can out-do him on the slopes and then pulls out a lipgloss, gotta be the winner..
but i stick to my idea that by the time the final eps airs, they’ll be broken up (but will cleverly hide it until shayne gets her 15 minutes of promotion of her latest movie out of it)
now look at this pic of chelsea
http://www.realitytvworld.com/realitytvdb/chelsea-1290/
tell me she did not start out life as “chuck”. yeah i want them to show those two in a fantasy suite. it’ll be a re-enactment of The Crying Game, with matty doing all the crying.
god damn i cannot believe that i even care this much about it. hee.
Lincee- LOVE your blogs!! Have been reading since they were forwarded around in emails.
Re: NOELLE: Just saw these on another blog: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1914096/ and http://www.drakesistersphotography.com.. so she is an actress as well as photographer? Living in Hollywood? Did Matt not ask her if she would be okay living in London.. or LA? Where she currently does live? I am confused. Does the ABC intern just scour those actor databases searching for new contestants?? Personally I think they are ALL wannabe actors living in Hollywood already.
“too cool for school” – hilarious
Ding! Dong! The witch is dead. Bon Soir Robin! And sayonara, adios and goodbye! I love Snow Monkey Shayne. Didn’t care for her at first but love her now. She’s a girl’s girl – looking out for the others and I agree with Caroline (#15) – funniest damn reaction when she fell down the stairs. She’s a hell of a snowboarder too. I hope he does pick her. I read somewhere that he’s in it for the green card anyway … I hope not because I’m a fan of Matt Grant’s. Lincee, great job and tell Anonymous #21 to “Walk Off” and “Bon Soir” – we don’t need his/her type here.
Caroline (#15): I totally agree about Robin’s hilarious use of sarcasm. Although I heavily disliked her, that was totally funny. Too bad it was not enough to redeem her. She’s still crazy.
I can’t understand why Chelsea is still around – aside from the obvious reasons. HELLO, she doesn’t like to hold hands? Red flag.
The music they played while the Robinator snowboarded down the hill towards Matt and Shayne just cracked me up – perfect.
Shayne is really growing on me too, but I still think she’s too immature for him, and really, can he be thinking she is solid marriage material??
I think Noelle’s date was boring because it was more real and had some depth to it, not just a bunch of silliness and drama.
To #21 Anonymous. . .Please do not make negative comments about Lincee or her blog. We love her. And this is not just a recap blog. Most of us watch the show and if we simply wanted a recap we would not be here. We come here to read her witty, hilarious review of the show. I also think you misunderstand the concept of satire. This blog is a satirical look at a reality TV show. People who write satire are not “bitter”, but the humor will have a bite to it. And, personally I THINK IT ROCKS!!! Lincee, please continue your “amazing” (as the Bachelors always say) blog. You are the best!!
By the way, I liked when Chelsea gave Matty the fake fantasy date card. Its about damn time we see the tables turned on the Bachelor. It made me smile.
And, my pick for the final two are Shayne and Meeps *hic*
P.S. I think Robin, in her fury, forgot what European country Matty was from. She said “Bon Soir”. Silly girl, he’s not from France. But I take it from her use of the French language that she is equally well versed in French culture. Next time, exit with a nice English, “Cherrio!”
To Laurie #13, my Georgia peep–
I copied and pasted below what I read in the comments in the “Deadline” section (while we were all waiting for Lincee to arrive)–and I was saying I watched it over and over and they did not show that on my version of the show!! That’s why I was wondering about our Bible Belt editing? Matty did not touch Shayne’s boobs here in Georgia!
“eaR Said,
How come none of you have commented on when Matt touched Shayne’s BOOBS!??!?!?
It was at the final rose ceremony, he started at her face, went down and totally touched them!
I rewinded it three times!
Shelley Said,
eaR–you are TOTALLY right, I noticed that too and was going to comment but I forgot. That was NOT an accidental boob graze!”
Sheree – Thanks for the clarification! Now I’m upset that I deleted it – I saved it until after I read Lincee, and then deleted it. Ugh! It’s not bad enough we can’t have beer on Sunday? Now they try to clean up our Bachelor?! What else are we missing?!
To Sheree #30 — I’m also from GA and the “boob graze” was exactly 48 minutes into the show according to the counter on my DVR. It really wasn’t a huge graze — he had just brushed some hair out of her face and then moved his hand down and in front of her boobs.
Lincee, I think this was the best recap I’ve ever read in all the years of reading your recaps! My husband wondered what in the world I was doing sitting at my computer laughing so hard. You are great!
#15-I laughed SO hard when Shayne fell down the stairs with her 50 pound bags. I also laughed SO hard when she wipped out a blush brush on a mountain. Matt’s reaction was genuine histeria and I think he loves her.
Great recap Lincee!
I am wondering why we never see Matt out of the water in his swim suite? Is it possible he has a small tummy? Most of the other bachelors had wash board abs and they showed them off all the time but you never see Matt partially dressed – or he is already in the pool…
Matt is still hot but I wondered if anyone else had noticed…
Am I the only one who thinks Noelle resembles Darlene from “Roseanne”?
Great point Michele #34! There have been far fewer gratuitous hot tub scenes this year by far and we haven’t seen Matt without his shirt one much at all! Maybe it just wasn’t filmed the right time of year? Not that its stopped any of the other bachelors before. One thing I did notice was Robin’s “barely there” bikini when all the girls were hustling into the tub in Sun Valley…..YIKES!!
Chelsea looks and acts like Chrissily from a few seasons ago.
I thought this recap was “brilliant” as matt would say. And Shayne is also growing on me…she seems like she would surprisingly be a good friend.
To Catharine #32 from Georgia:
I just had to go watch the rose ceremony again and here is what my version looks like:
Shayne walking up saying, “You called me first!”
Cut to Meeps making a disdainful face
Cut to Shayne taking the rose and two quick European pecks on the cheek (you can’t even see Matty’s hand)
Cut to Marshana making a disdainful face
That’s it! Nothing even close to a boob graze! What’s going on here??? Why is my version missing the boob graze?? I feel cheated!
Hey Sheree! It’s not from the rose ceremony. It’s from when Shayne and Matt are talking outside on some sofa right before the rose ceremony. It’s easy to miss — barely anything, but still there. On my DVR counter it was at 0:48.
To #36….Darlene! Hilarious!
To #21 Anonymous (aka Robin)…Everyone still hates you.
Love the recap, love the Snowbaby. The signature fedora killed me too. Only Shane would wear her Scalla summer straw to Sun Valley. But she did winterize it a bit with the little black tie thingie.
My best laugh came when Marshana let out a “minority female” “WHOOOOOOO” when she slipped on her way out. We had the boob grab shot here on the Prairie, Georgia Laurie. So sorry … but feel worse about the fact that you can’t buy beer on Sunday. You should contact your governing idiots and tell them, “I am not having that”!
Um, did no one see Marshana slip on her dress after the rose ceremony??
Dani #42 – “Anonymous (aka Robin) – everyone still hates you!!!” I JUST DIED LAUGHING!!!!!!!!
Great recap!
Catharine #42! I saw it! Thank you
During the “my sister would tell you I’m wonderful” speech! (Don’t his eyes just look glazed over with lust the whole they are sitting there?)
Whew!
So back to only complaining about no beer on Sundays–and not censorship, lol!
So no one noticed meeps glancing at Robin after she got her rose, and Robin giving her the death glare and meeps looking down at her rose trying hard not to smile?????
I think one of the things I find endearing about Shayne is that she appears genuinely respectful of the others girls….ie announcing each person should get one one one time without it being interrupted and coming between Marshanna and Chelsea during their argument. This is truly unlike any behavior we have seen before where all other girls think they need to tear each other down to win the heart of the bachelor. While she is definitely spoiled and a girly girl, she hasn’t behaved badly which I think is what we all expected after her dramatic “I am not the kind of girl that should have to do this” episode in Vegas. Go Shayne!
OK, Let me rephrase.
It was on the couch on the night of the Final Rose ceremony, not at the actual ceremony itself. He touches her face, and she has a blanket over her shoulder, then his hand slides down her cheek, then he sort of palm down touches the OK part of her chest and as his hand drags down he takes the blanket or shawl or whatever it was down with his graze. I had to rewind it to make sure what I was seeing wasn’t just my overt hornyness!
I don’t believe he MEANT to do it, but he did nonetheless.
GREAT recap Lincee! I’m starting to get a girl crush on you!
Does anyone know if Lincee is a jewish girl from Houston? An old co-worker of mine starting 3 or 4 years ago used to forward me every Monday an email…word document…of a friend of hers that did recaps. They were HILARIOUS and always included pictures. I struck me just now that this could be her? If so I’m only 2 degree’s from you Lincee! I know a VERY good friend of yours. I live in Dallas. She married a Doctor about a year ago?
Long time Lincee reader (since the email days) but first time poster
I seriously watch the show while thinking “What is Lincee going to write about this?” Ever since Lincee wrote about Shayne not sitting up straight, I have totally noticed that….on the slopes..lying down in the snow, before the rose ceremony…lying down on the chaise lounge! But she is growing on me too as much as I try to resist it.
Did anyone watch the “Diary of the Departed” for Marshana and Robin. Robin isnt as icy but still very entertaining “If he ends up with one of those girls, they’ll be together for like a few months. Great. They win.” well there’s something that was hard to predict.
Thanks Lincee for being the best part of my Tuesdays!
Thank you Lincee, as usual – you are worth waiting for!
#15 – Totally agree, I loved the “logic” remark too! Although, almost as priceless, was the look on Shayne’s face afterward, almost like she was repeating it to herself (or wondering what it meant!).
I do like Shayne, she is giving me tons of entertainment…but as my husband says…date type but not marry type! She does not have a way with words…”I don’t know if you can hold up with me.” (Perhaps Matty thinks this is just quaint LA slang???)
Chelsea, “If you put me in a romantic situation I’ll embrace it”. Buddy. NOT. A sleigh ride in the snow…pretty romantic. (well, minus the camera crew…) It must not have been embraced that much, since even after the suite, he is still talking about it. Warning, warning…
Then of course, the camera does a tight shot of Noelle and Matty’s hands. Ah…yes…
Just why are all these girls bundled up, blankets, scarves, hats – inside the house??
Well, I get the hat thing, you could tell they hadn’t fixed their hair – Shayne’s wasn’t straight like usual.
Don’t they heat the place? Even in California?
Okay, I counted TWO boob grazes….#1 Sitting on couch, tuck the hair behind Shayne’s ear and continue hand on down…#2 Give Shayne rose, same thing!
this was one of your best recaps EVER!! laughed my a$s off @ “here you go…nipple”…. brilliant! I agree that Chelsea is gone. This season is more boring than other seasons but thank God we have Lincee to make us giggle!
Chelsea, “If you put me in a romantic situation I’ll embrace it”.
Jeez… hello? Horse drawn sleigh in the snow with a handsome man? Oh well…. just keep waiting. Maybe a romantic situation will come along…
I have not liked Shayne, but I now find myself loving her! She is a nut and she owns it. Pulling the makeup out of her coat in the snowbank was brilliant. Too good.
I was shocked to see Robin go home. “Bon soir.” Who says that? Did she spend time in France too? Ai yi yi… Oh well, at least she has her British tea kettle to comfort her.
I am disappointed! I wanted to see the world famous tea maker! At least we get to see Renagade.
Okay-Matty is such a ROMANTIC! I love the hot tub scene with Meeps, and I think he is very into her if you watch him go in for the kiss. Has a bachelor ever kissed so many women? Not that I mind, he is a good kisser. Anyone have a kiss counter? 7, 8, 9 women? I think he would ‘take care of’ a Shayne type, but it doesn’t feel like there would be staying power… I don’t think he ever really looks at her when she speaks, I don’t see the ‘glazed over lust’, I just see glazed over… he didn’t look at Robin much, and I think that is telltale. Meeps or Noelle are both dark horses…they are getting ABC edits, more edits on Meeps I think… I think it’s ‘buh buh bye’ Chelsea next week… The bachelor thinks you are so hot, but the friend card is coming on… no holding hands? Uh, Have you SEEN the bachelor? Have I mentioned I do like watching Matty? Don’t get my pregnant hormones started… ha! My hubby can do a nice Brit accent… it’s all good…
Uh, to Anonymous #21……..TYA! You’re obviously the one that has no sense of humor here…….if you’ve been around long enough to have appreciated these blogs from the good ole days, you would know better than to hop on here and say those kinds of things. With that, Lincee, you did it again….made something out of nothing. I don’t know how you do it…….we all need a Bachelor blog weekend to get to know some of the folks here……..
#49 Emily is spot on — this IS the first edition of the show where there is genuine caring shown between the women that doesn’t take place at the rose ceremony when some go home or as the result of injury (hell, even when there’s been injury there hasn’t been alot of sympathy!) and Shayne has really been the one most demonstrative of that caring. It’s clear she’s a loving, kind person, in spite of her wacky choice of clothing and her family history. She also does very little posing for the camera (unlike Marshana), which you would have expected if this were her attempt at getting noticed for future acting work. I was expecting the “Jaws” soundtrack when Robin was moving in on Matt and Shayne in the snow — I said it before and I’ll say it again, that chick was trouble with a capital T.
Matt is a character, with alot of quirky behaviors and attitudes, and I think it’s going to take an equally quirky woman to keep him happy. Shayne’s got it, so does Meep. I think Noelle is a little too “plain” (which may be editing, or lack of enthusiasm) and Chelsea isn’t girly enough to suit him for the long term.
As always, Lincee, thanks for the laughs. A commodity I get far too little of!
Did anyone notice how awkard Chels looked kissing Matty BOTH times? I mean she liked gorged her tongue down his throat……
Kudos on writing an incredibly entertaining recap even though the episode was boring. You’ve got another fan! If you decide to leave I will have no idea how to spend my Tuesdays.
Does anyone know if, after the hometown dates are over, does Matt take any of the final 2 or 3 to London to meet Mummy and Father or Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip? I know tropical locations are typical for the last phase of the competition, but sure would be nice to see London with a native. . Just curious.
I quite upset that you called Marshanna a snow monkey. I find your comment(s) quite racist.
Let’s nobody take the bait in #63 anyd’s post, which is clearly just trying to provoke a reaction. We all know Lincee has been calling Shayne, not Marshana, the snow monkey, so, case closed.
Lincee…I just adore you and your wit! Thanks for yet another hilarious and spot on recap! I have loved Shayne from the beginning; she as everyone says seems very geniune and sincere inspite of her vanity. Who cares that she applies and re-applies lip gloss, it just makes for good entertainment people!
She is a kitten and I too have seen the glazed over look of lust in our Matty’s eyes…I will be in total shock if she isn’t the one!
Can’t wait for next week’s recap…nipple, Lorenzo, nipple…
oh, and thank goodness we don’t have to watch Marshana swallow Matt’s face anymore…eewwwww!
I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.
I seem to remember Tessa taking care of a couple of other girls and vice cersa….during the Baldwin season. This season Holly was taking care of everyone, spray tanning, hair styling so someone could date the guy she liked!??
Of course this could be a new trend. I have only watched one season before this!
Anyd:
You’re an idiot. Matt called Shayne his “cheeky little snow monkey.”
im really getting sick of all the racist accusations and nonsense. no one here is racist. we make fun of all the girls in good fun. for crying out loud this is the bachelor blog!!! it is ruining it for the rest of us who read this for a giggle throughout the day. and as usual the one spouting off at the mouth is wrong. like others have said he was talking about shayne. if more people knew what the hell they were talking about before they attacked and tried to create drama they would see how stupid they looked. if you are dying to look for and find racism- clearly as you did here- you can “create” it out of anything. but it actually being there and you wanting it to be there to have something to b*tch about is a completely different story. if you want politics and bullsh*t go read a presidential blog or something. this is what it is and the negativity against lincee who takes time out of her clearly already busy life is really making me mad too. then dont read the blog or post here. we all love this blog and are respectful to each other. we dont want anyone like that on here! find someone else to criticize and annoy. WALK THE HELL OFF!!!
and just for the record, i have blond hair and i believe matt and all people from londan are discriminatory against blonds since he has now kicked off all the blonds except one. obviously im being ridiculous and sarcastic. anyd- do you see how ridiculous your accusations are. please dont return.
sorry guys for my rant, i just get a little fired up when people attack lincee and our little bachelor family : )
“Reluctantly, she hoists herself up and continues down the mountain, effortlessly even though she’s holding a butane-powered curling iron.” Lincee, this sentence made me LOL. You are my reason for watching this show (on tues. while at work in between meetings and appointments). Also, did you make up “snow monkey” or did he call her that? Either way, I love it!
“Does anyone know if, after the hometown dates are over, does Matt take any of the final 2 or 3 to London to meet Mummy and Father or Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip?”
Briget (#62) – I just snorted with laughter, OUT LOUD, at my desk here at work while reading that comment just now. I don’t know what I love reading more, Lincee’s recap or everyone’s ‘cheeky monkey’ comments. *LMAO*
Nipple
Lincee- you are getting too callused! There were at least three moments that made me feel good about myself (the whole reason I watch the Bachelor…and to read your recaps! ha!) 1) The Chelsea making the fantasy suite card– I don’t know why, but that honestly dorked me out to no end and I just kept hoping she wouldn’t do it. I felt like I was watching a train wreck. Honestly, it worked for her so kuddos, but I don’t know, just made me so second-hand embarassed. 2) Robin leaving and saying bon soir– HONESTLY ROBIN! She what, visited the UK for a week and maybe stopped by France and her parents drink tea?? Ok, you just described like 80% of all college kids– I hate the faux cultured she plays. I cringed, in a different way then second-hand embarassment, but that was really bad. 3) Marshana’s two tirades about how great she is. My mother has a saying “If you have to say you is, you ain’t”– I just was so second-hand embarrassed for her. Also, I hate to admit, but Shayne is growing on me too…great recap for a mediocre episode!
A few comments on comments:
24-I was thinking that Noelle was from Colorado, but maybe not…
35-Yes, no washboards this time around. When he cannonballed into the pool, you could just barely see tummy and it is unlike our typical bachelor ab-filled gloriousness.
45-I seriously laughed out loud at you saying that “you died laughing”. Too funny!
64-Good call. no need to acknowledge lunacy.
72-I totally agree! All i know is that I enjoy the blog more than the show. “cheeky monkey”–Love it! My grandma is british and calls me a “cheeky swine”. I think brits are hilarious!
Where are the SNL fans? Wasn’t it”Sprockets” and Dieter that called everyone “Cheeky Monkey”? He had a monkey named Klaus that would sit on a pedastal…
TOUCH MY MONKEY!!! LOVE HIM!
oh, and nipple.
Ooops!!! I was wrong…got my MIke Meyers characters mixed-up! It was Simon, the little British boy in the bubble bath, who always said “cheeky monkey”!!
Amy-Yes, Noelle is from CO, but appearantly she’s moving to LA or London, cause those were the options the bach gave her. Hmmm….do you want love or fame Matty?
No washboard abs this time, but personally I like my men a little less perfect. (Less pressure to be a twig).
Glad Marshana is gone, I can’t watch someone talk for 5 minutes with thier eyes closed anymore to add emphasis on her fabulousness.
“walk off” “dont walk away” ahhhh, I’m so confused.
People, in blogspeak creatures who try to raise hell are called trolls. What we have in anyd is a certified troll. As in folklore, ignore trolls and they fade away……..
I saw Shayne’s dad on a Zaxby’s commercial last night! His acting career is obviously doing very well! (Zaxby’s is a fast food restaurant in the Southeast.)
Shannon, I saw that too! I was like, hmmm isn’t that convienent? Shayne is on TV and Daddy has a new commercial. Not that Zaxby’s has the cream of the crop celebrities starring in their commericals, have you seen the one with Bo Duke, excuse me, John Schneider?
Yes i saw that too. I thought it was quite coincidental that they ran that add during the Bachelor Monday night. I have seen Bo…John as well as people voted off AI.
Wow, this recap made the show look like comedy. Its was terrible. Snow monkey’s I love it. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff but its great. Marsh & Robin finally they are gone. Who next I have dibbs on Chels. A little too much to bring home to his parents.
this allegation of racism is baseless.There is no evidence in either the show or this blog for this bogus claim.Marsh. raised the race issue with Matt and felt satisfied that it had no merit. To her credit,she based her failure to receive a rose not on race, but on the lack of connection between them.Everyone must feel free to make honest comments without the spectre of being accused of asserting racist remarks. We have all evolved enough to have an equal playing field. Prediction:Chels. is gone next week. Shayne takes one of the final spots with Noelle and the Meepster duelling for the other.
I read somewhere last night (I was bored and checking all the bachelor sites) that Amanda plays “an elaborate trick” on Matt by hiring fake parents to play a joke on him. So the whole nipple thing was probably just great editing. Whatever, it’s kept my interest. They also said it could backfire on her. Should be interesting. I think she will make it to the next round however. I think Chelsea will be the one to get the boot. Lincee…great job! You never fail to make me spew my morning diet coke!!!
Lincee- you are a riot- LMAO -I get together each week with two friends to watch and laugh our heads off -you nail every hilarious cringe-worthy moment!! He’s a goob. Gonna miss Marshana -walk off………xoxo
Ok, so, like, I think we should, like, count the number of, like, times the word “like” is used in an episode. Maybe make a drinking game out of it.
Nipple.
And “like” I think we should make a game out of the use of the word “amazing” -people would be hammered by the first commercial
a butane-powered curling iron! HA! that is hilarious. i will admit that i LOVED when shayne pulled out that blush brush. i died laughing and said, “i kinda like her now!”
i hope matt picks meeps or noelle.
ruthie
nashville, tn
Laurel (#88)… *LMAO* That’s a crazy and great idea.
Everyone has to do a shot whenever Matty says “Brilliant”.
Drink when you hear the work ‘like’ from one of the girls.
Finish your beverage when Shayne applies makeup.
And cheer loudly with clinking glasses every time we hear a MEEP.
We all MUST do buttery nipple shots, of course.
Hi! I’ve just recently found your blog and enjoy it very much. I’m just looking forward to an episode without a sports related date. At this rate, I think Matt will wind up proposing to David Beckham instead. On the other hand, I think Posh Spice can take him, so maybe he’ll stick with his final four.
Kendall #90: PERFECT!
OH – and
NIPPLE.
Wow….last night, my husband and I were cleaning out the Tivo and watched an episode of “House” that was on back in November. For anyone that watches “House”, it was the episode with the magician. At the beginning of the show, the magician has a helper and my husband and I both screamed, “That’s Noelle!!!” Silly me, I hadn’t yet checked the imdb site yet, but did first thing this morning and confirmed our suspicion. Frustrating that she is only listed as a photographer on the show. Poor Shayne gets all the heat for being an actress!
There is a video of Noelle on youtube.com – it is a music video for Bress – in which she “stars”. Hmmm, I wonder if she is still an actress, she does have some good photo shots on her photography website…..
Now we know where Shayne got the hot pink dress – she is a model for pink polka dot clothes…
http://www.pinkpolkadotonline.com/home.html
ha ha -#96 Corinna-
WHERE do you find this stuff? And what is up the pose where she looks like she’s about to cop a squat? She’s holding up the front of her dress and almost squatting…
too funny- still really like her though! thanks for the link.
OMG – you HAVE to watch this clip before tonight’s (4/21) show.
http://tv.yahoo.com/show/28908/videos/7456832
Okay this has to be a set up!
it’s gotta be a scam – funny tho!
Ok, just watched tonight’s episode – my absolute favorite Bachelor episode ever. This is one that will live on – truly classic!!! Can’t wait for Lincee’s recap.
….and has anyone else noticed the lack of the Pier One cabinet this season?
This should be one of Lincee’s best recaps ever. We should probably start a Bachelor Hall of Fame, this episode would certainly be in it. Come to think of it — bitting the can lady, undies in the “there’s no pocket there” pocket and the fight heard round the world. Good stuff!!
The sleuthers on the Fort website have declared Shayne the winner because of the one pic of him holding the chosen one’s hand as he puts on the ring. They take all the fun out of this show!
Cindy, there’s a 33 1/3% chance the sleuthers are right – I looked at the hands, backed up and looked at the girls and thought it looked like Amanda. That method has been tried before – not scientific and not guaranteed!! Let’s just be grateful that our British Matty can at least make a decision!!!!
shayne’s nails are always painted, and she has freakishly small hands. it looked like amanda to me too.
or chelsea’s hand.
oh, and the ‘english’ meal shayne’s mom served….who else thinks it was catered in? she didn’t strike me as the type to cook all that herself.
i thought shayne’s scenes with her dad were sad, and that they both seemed to be acting. she hasn’t seen him in awhile and when she does, it’s in front of cameras and millions of viewers. sad.
shayne wears black nail polish most of the time too
plus im sure it would be tanner! : )
who else heard Matt call Shayne “monkey”???? I laughed for a full 10 minutes at that!
Cindy 103 that is too funny. My girls and I kept pausing the previews to check out the nails and level of tanning on the girl whose hand Matt appears to be holding during the final rose ceremony…we thought it was Shayne too, since she is sporting similar pale pink pollish in this week’s rose ceremony, also the fingers aren’t long and slender enough to be Amanda(yes, we rewound several times and spent way too much time trying to figure this out…we also figured there is a chance that ABC is using some clever editting)….I can’t believe we have turned into such geeks!!
OMG there was so much good material last night….I bet Lincee is having a blast writing this recap. Shayne’s mom is just…well…..scary.
Heather #109: I heard that too!
I LOVED Meeps’s prank. Thank God she isn’t taking this whole thing wayyyy too seriously. I would choose her just for that!!
I was so afraid that prank was not going to go over well and it went fantastic. At some point I started thiking he’s got to be on to her, but I guess not. And I heard the “monkey” too. And Chelsea’s nails are always dark, Amandas and Shayne freq wear light colors.
Can someone please direct me to this FORT website? I keep reading about it but I am not sure where it is.
Thanks!!
I am a Shayne fan. Not sure why – but she is too cute and funny…as is her family. No comments yet on little sisters “Olivia Newton John-Let’s Get Physical-Headband”…she is definitely following in big sisters head gear trend! I agree “mommy” was very scary but I loved that visit the most.
Chelsea does not seem into Matt – more into the competion.
Meeps – I am just not into her anymore. I didn’t like the prank – who hires actors (I think that was actually the interns idea)…Matt is not George Clooney and it was more painful than funny. Plus, is it me or does she always look like she is frowning and her lips get lost when she kisses…sorry, just not seeing it.
Oh well, can’t wait for Lincee’s perspective!
FORT is Fans of Reality TV
http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forums/tags.php?tag=bachelor
Very… very.. freaky that Shayne’s sister looks just like her. That was crazy. Hubby and I thought the whole Meet the Dad bit was very acted and staged. Ugh.
I wanna know if our ABC Intern was the one that came up with the idea for Amanda to hire crazy parents, or if that was her idea? Hmmm…
Monkey Nipple.
How pathetic am I? My day off….watch the bachelor (recorded)….check for Lincee’s recap. Pay bills, put in laundry….check for recap. Talk on the phone, fold laundry….check for recap. lol
http://tv.msn.com/tv/weekly-tv-picks?GT1=7703
Preview of tonight’s WTA episode. Scroll down and see the clip Granny Panties. Pretty funny. And Stacey looks and acts pretty normal!
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