Dreading HUET Class. Also known as: Helicopter Underwater Evacuation Training.
Oh. I’m not joking. You would be dreading it too. Somehow, I’ve been on a few offshore rigs before and never once been asked if I am certified. Apparently, you can sign a waiver saying that if you helicopter goes down, you won’t hold anyone liable. But those days are over I hear, according to my boss. We had one of our “infamous” chats just last week:
Boss: “Good news and bad news.”
Lincee: “Should I sit down?”
Boss: “You are probably going to Rio to visit a few offshore rigs in Brazil.”
Lincee: “Sweet!”
I start singing “Welcome. Welcome to Rio! The tropical hot spot. Saludos amigos.”…a song that was included on my Disco Mickey Mouse cassette tape that I wore out playing over and over and over again when I was a kid. He didn’t laugh. Just stared at me funny. I did, however, finish the chorus before preparing myself for the bad news.
Boss: “We will have to take HUET classes. That’s where they dunk you under water and you have to escape out of the helicopter simulator. You okay with that?”
Lincee: “Indubitably.”
He leaves my office and the first thing I do is “YouTube” this HUET business. As I’m searching, I convince myself it’s not going to be that bad. I love to swim. I can hold my breath like a champ. This is going to be a piece of cake.
Then I see the video. Things are looking good. Climbing in the chair. Okay. Buckling in. Sort of creepy, but got it. Crossing arms and signals. Good, good. And then dunk!
HOLD THE PHONE! THEY DUNK YOU UPSIDE DOWN?
Cleansing deep breathes to get my heart rate down. In through the nose. Out the mouth.
My class is in Galveston. By the time I make the hour long trip there, I’ve convinced myself that the test will take place in a dark simulator with five or six guys in scuba gear ready to rescue me when I start flailing about in a panic. I wonder if my steel toe boots are going to sink me to the bottom of the tank that is filled with murky water and if I’ll be able to move in my orange coveralls. What if I can’t hold my breath that long? What if I pass out and they have to do CPR? What if I’m the first one to ever fail HUET? What if I FAIL and am unable to go to Rio?
The class is small. We are in a room with about ten other people. I’ve arrived with my boss and the guy who takes all of our photography and video. We sit near the back and listen to our instructor Jim.
Clearly, Jim has done this for a very long time. It’s evident by the way he describes “all you need to know” about HUET safety. Basically, you strap yourself in and cross your hands over your chest. For today’s class, there are two exits…one to the right and one to the left. You will be dunked three times. The first time, you exit your window and your partner exits his. The second time, you both go out your window and the third, you both go out his.
Jim says that it’s simple really. Just place your hand on the window pane at the bottom with your strong hand and unbuckle with your left and swim out. If you get scared, put your hands on your forehead and you will be pulled out.
And that’s it. The pep talk took all of ten minutes. I look at my boss. He looks back. We dissolve into a fit of giggles.
Next, we watch a 20 minute video about three dudes who work offshore. It appeared to be made in the early 80s. The video simulated a helicopter going down and what do to if you are ever in this situation.
The narrator’s first suggestion was to remain calm and take a deep breath.
Okay.
He then walks us through Jim’s evaluation descriptions, reminding us to not kick our legs…whatever we do. All three guys make it out safely. Hurray!
Then they walk us through what to do if things don’t go as planned. Such as: what if your window doesn’t pop open? What if there’s a “perished” colleague in your way? What if your seat belt doesn’t unfasten?
All very valid questions in my book.
My favorite part was when they tell you not to take a big breath when you pop up out of the water because there is more than likely going to be a fire or some sort of fuel spill. It’s best to just take a quick breath and go back under and swim away from the debris. Then look for survivors. Survivors.
Lights come on and Jim asks if there are any questions. We all sit in solemn silence. He claps his hands and says, “Now. Let’s get out there and pass this test!”
We all look at each other baffled. I think we may have been in the classroom for less than an hour. And we are going to the simulator? Already? Don’t I need more instruction? Can I watch that video again, because this time I won’t be distracted by the “perished” colleague’s mullet. Please?
Nope. We get the “fun part” over with at the beginning of class.
Now I’m nervous. I change into my coveralls and head to the car. We arrive at our destination and it’s a swimming pool. With a steel cage. THAT’S IT? No murky water? No dark simulator? Oh look! There’s Jim! He’s rockin’ some sweet back hair. I guess there won’t be five guys in scuba gear ready to save me. It’s just Jim. This isn’t so bad after all!
Our first part of training was jumping off diving boards and swimming in long lines hanging on to each other with our legs. I made sure not to swim by my boss during this portion. My legs were wrapped around a nice marine biologist thank you very much. We practiced huddling in a circle and keeping the middle guy warm. This happened to be Mark…our photographer. That wasn’t awkward at all. We then all enter a rescue life raft. I was the last to be hoisted through the opening by two guys. They pulled me in so hard, that my face landed in the middle of everyone’s feet and then I slid ALMOST into the crotch of the marine biologist. Again…not awkward at all.
We exit the pool and go to the cold water immersion suit area. These things are basically big rubber jumpers that are supposed to keep you warm in the North Sea should you have to jump overboard. They make you look like a red Gumby. The trick is to wiggle in them on the ground like you are entering a sleeping bag. Then you stand up, put your arms in and attempt to zip up the front. Clearly, this was a problem for me.
They had us jump off the diving board again and do all the same things in these ginormous suits that we just did with life jackets. Fun times.
Now for the hard part. There are six of us in this portion of the simulator test. We have to pair off. My boss chooses me. And we are stuck going last.
The first pair get in the simulator and dunk three times with flying colors.
The second pair have one little bump…the girl’s helmet fell off because her head is so small.
And now it’s our turn. My boss enters first and I’m behind him. I’ve been feeling pretty confident and it isn’t until I buckle myself (shoulder harness and lap belt) that I begin to think, “Is this really necessary? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m going to “perish” if I go down in a helicopter. And knowing my luck, a shark will probably eat me if I happen to survive impact, getting out of the seat, finding a window, opening a window, swimming to the top and not breathing in toxic air. Maybe I should re-think this job. I could write for a living. Maybe I could call ABC and see if they would give me a job as Chris Harrison’s assistant or something. Heck. I’ll wait tables. Maybe go back to Disney World…”
Jim is yelling at me. “READY?” Mark the photographer is yelling at me. “SMILE!”
We both say we are ready and he yells, “TAKE A DEEP BREATH!” and we plunge sideways into the water.
All I can remember is that up became down and right became left. And there were lots of bubbles. I feel my window pane, unbuckle quickly, waiting for the eight second tap that it is time to swim out. A little disoriented which way is up, I head for sun and pop out of the water.
I did it!
Back in the simulator for round two. My boss got water up his nose and in his ears. He can’t hear me, or is ignoring me, when I ask, “Which way do you want to go out this time? Me follow you or you follow me?”
Nothing. He doesn’t answer. He’s mentally preparing himself for the quest. I have to punch him into reality. We decide he will follow me on round two.
Jim yells again, “READY?”
We agree.
Dunk number two. I find my pane, unbuckle and feel a push from my side. My boss is forcing me out the window! Being a rule follower, I was waiting for the eight second tap, but in his world, you survive by any means necessary. I head out the window and he proceeds to grab my leg. Not for dear life…but an aggressive grab none the less. I basically pull my leg through the window and he follows, popping up out of the water before me! I then get lectured on how I need to be quicker when evacuating an upside down helicopter simulator in the middle of a pool on the Texas A&M campus in Galveston.
Yeah. Note to self. Got it Bill.
Round three. I am to follow him out his window now. We are old pros by this point and I hang out upside down for a while thinking I need to give him some time to unbuckle and get through the window. I reach over and he is GONE. Dude has left me to “perish” below. I cross hand over hand to escape. It is then that one of my toe thumbs gets wedged somehow between two pieces of metal. No time to waste, I jerk it out with all my might. When I reach the surface, he is dried off, drinking water and half-way dry. Thanks a lot Bill.
Soaking wet, we make our way to the car where are dry clothes are stored. We walk in silence and then Mark says, “That was pretty cool.” We all agree, high five each other and talk about the times we were really nervous but didn’t want to tell the other one. Then we all call everyone we know to say we are alive and bask in the glory of the fact that it’s OVER!
All in a day’s work my friend. Next stop? Rio de Janeiro baby!
Oh Lincee,
Please write more like these! This was phenomenal! You are absolutely hilarious! I laughed so hard, particularly about being pulled into the raft and nearly sliding into marine biologist’s crotch! Wow… I laughed a little too hard to be at work!
Thanks for this!
I have known you a long time dear, and find it hard to believe you do PR for a living. You are a spy or in the CIA I am convinced. Our whole relationship has been lies!!! I can live with that.
More posts like this LL Cool Ray. I second TIff.
P.S. Do some BJJ in Brazil and seek out some Krav Maga in Israel. So jealous.
Tiff and webMAN…your checks will be arriving in the mail this week. Thanks for the kudos.
Ha! Seriously, have you ever thought about writing for a living? I know the oil & gas industry pays very well….but if someone is as good as you are at writing, you could make dang good money at that too….and you have your education and experience to fall back on should writing get boring for you! I am being completely serious. Out of all the professional blogs that I constantly read, your blog is, by far, the very best one. I always smile, most of the time laugh out loud, and some of the time snort out whatever I’m drinking when I am reading whatever you have written….that is talent girl!
Thanks for the many years of your endless wisdom!
ok so my question is, what if the blades are still spinning when you get out of the helicopter?? i’m thinking it’s a good thing that you didn’t write your blog about your fears before you went down there…haha.
that was hilarious and i’m impressed that you did it!! i hope you frame the gumby photo. have a great holiday weekend!
Ok, this sounds kind of awesome. I would so not do well, seeing as I can’t swim that strongly, and I can’t open my eyes underwater as my contacts would come popping out… but regardless… kind of cool! Thanks for the awesome account!
Oh god, I had these terrible images of that scene in Officer and Gentleman when that guy nearly drowns — of course he wasn’t dressed like an overcooked Gumby — that explains everything!
As a dual citizen of the US and Brasil, I am enormously envious of your trip — just promise us you’ll return to tell us all about it! Two most important words in Portuguese: “mais uma” (as in cerveza!). Best time of year to be going — the heat of summer is over, coming onto autumn and winter.
We’ll miss you — boa viagem!
That whole story made my day! Absolutely hysterical.
You in the red Gumby suit was just a little too hilarious. Are you exceptionally tiny or are those things extraordinarily enormous?!
Oh Lincee, I started reading for your wonderful Bachelor commentary but everything you write is SO funny! Love it!
I heart your blog. Thanks for making me LOL!!!
Why does your boss seem to have a Freddy Kruger-like mask over his helmet but you don’t get any face protection for yours?! Great story, as always – you have a true talent.
Lincee,
Have a great trip. I have been reading you since the days anxiously awaiting email forwards from my friend in the big D…..I love how you have expanded from the Bachelor to all of you. Thanks for sharing!!! You are a riot!!!
What is it that you do exactly? (for a living?) Love your blog and have for a very long time!!
I think you should submit – or have one of your friends do it – an article to The Arrow. You are too funny and have a great blog and a very interesting job-
From a fellow Pi Phi and Bachelor fan
Laurel
Being a rule follower, I was waiting for the eight second tap, but in his world, you survive by any means necessary.
i read it three times because it made me laugh so hard! thank you thank you!!
you have the most interesting exciting job i’ve ever heard of! keep you current helipcopter job and start writing a book. then when you get rich and famous and we all buy your book you can quit. after you go to rio of course because you already took the training.
They better not send you on this trip on a Monday night!!!
I’ll expect my recap promptly thank you very much! =)
Lincee – the lady who writes dooce.com makes $40,000 A. MONTH. selling ad space on her blog. Of course, if you quit your job, you’d have a lot less to write about I guess.
Loved the blog and the peek into the world that is Lincee. Have a safe trip!
Okay…i heard the story personally…and i still laughed…and laughed…and laughed…and #12…i agree…what’s up with the boss’s scary helmet vs. your helmet?
Lincee-
You are so hilarious. I was laughing through the entire thing but my favorite line had to be, I reach over and he is GONE. Dude has left me to “perish” below.
Lincee, I’ve been reading you since my friend turned me onto your blog a couple of years ago. You’re really the only reason why I watch the Bachelor while grading papers. But seriously, WHAT IS THIS JOB YOU HAVE????!!! From the places you’re sent, to the weird food choices presented in some of those locales, it kind of sounds like you work for James Bond. You could easily be a sidekick for Indiana Jones. I seriously want to know, I’ve been curious for well over a year and a half.
You’re a fantastic writer. I really enjoy reading your website. Maybe one of these days you’ll start publishing these blogs, ramblings, etc., turn it into a book like Candace Bushnell (I think that’s her name) and have a fabulous television series run on HBO that gets mad fans who are also dying to see the fabulous movie (based on your book and series) similar to the one that’s coming out May 29th.
Also, I don’t know if you’re a reader or not, but I highly recommend the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. A bunch of my students were all into it and in an attempt to not be an old school marm, I read it myself and couldn’t put them down. The next one in the series comes out August 2nd. The second and third books are even better than the first. Give them a shot if you haven’t already.
All my best to you and anyone else brave enough to wear a big, red Gumby suit! By the way, MY favorite line was: Can I watch that video again, because this time I won’t be distracted by the “perished” colleague’s mullet. Please?
how come anything and everything about a mullet is funny?
I mean, seriously…too funny…I had tears running down my face!
Rio + 80’s training tape = Blame It On Rio theme song playing (http://youtube.com/watch?v=3-6RrRKi2KE) in my head as I envision Eddie Murphy’s SNL Gumby.
Also just took a fun trip down memory lane with Eddie Murphy’s Delirious on YouTube.
You can find anything online. The Internet is going to be big people.
I didn’t think being warmed by smart, healthy marine biologists was so awkward. I felt so secure.
Hilarious recap of a fun day.
Hey nice pics!.
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i never understood how people could become fans of blogs written by complete strangers. that was then, now, i love following your blog! keep on writing. you’re hilarious.
ps-i’m so jealous of your trip to rio, even if there is the chance you might be forced to swim away from a helicopter crash.
Lincee -
Loved the HUET post. Too funny!
I loved Rio! I have the best travel book for you. Its called “Rio for Partiers”. I kid you not. Its written by a local and has helpful information (pictures and descriptions of Brazilian food, taxi fare estimator, street food price guide, and lots of other fun stuff). Its the best travel guide I’ve ever seen. One word – Caipirinha. Try it – love it!
Lincee: have you abandoned all your faithful Hills recap-ers? I know you only recapped it 2 or 3 times but the finale was two weeks ago and I’m dying to get your hilarious recap! I agree with everyone else when they say they’ll watch whatever you recap – you are so clever and funny – but I thought for sure you would have posted the recap of the finale by now.
Melissa (#7), I’m right there with you! I just re-watched Officer and a Gentleman last week and I had images of it and of The Guardian flashing through my head as I read Lincee’s HUET story! Way too freakin’ scary for me…and I was a competitive swimmer for NINE YEARS.
Lincee, I can’t believe this is your JOB. You are either really, really fortunate or really, really unfortunate…right now I can’t figure out which! I’m just glad you are so willing to share with those of us who have relatively hum drum jobs. Most exciting thing that has happened in the last three years at the school where I work is that I helped identify a guy who was trying to steal from the classrooms. Hahahaha!
Aloha from Kauai!
webguy friend, we need a new page first thing Tues. am saying Lincee’s blog is coming, so that all the bach comments can go on this page till we hear from Lincee…. what do you think? I love the feedback from the readers and don’t want to miss any!
Lincee,
Do you need an assistant? Your blogs are so funny. It’s hard not to cry when laughing. The people in my office think I am insane because I am laughing during my 15-min coffee break.
#22 – I agree – the Twilight Series is awesome, I cannot wait for the 4th book this fall.
Lincee – you rock.
Ummmm, this story was hillarious and I applaud you for making it through training (I would wet myself), but can I say what stood out to me the most? Disco Mickey Mouse. I also had this worn out tape and I now have Welcome to Rio stuck in my head! Thanks!!
Lincee,
I read this post thinking, there’s no way she’s really doing this. Then you went off and did it. I am forever impressed with your skillz.
Barb #31:
Good idea, but I don’t want “false alarms” to anyone that has an RSS feed. Also, if the recap is going to be really delayed, then Lincee (like in the past) can post this “temp” post. Keeping all comments in one post (per show) is the idea.
As alternative, we are considering adding a forum for people to communicate in.
Thanks for your answer, webMAN and I’m sorry I called you webguy friend
It was one thing to envision Jim’s “sweet back hair”, but to scroll down and actually see it. . .wet. . matted against his skin. . .I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard!! you are a comic geneous!
Lincee, I know you’ve already had one offer to be your assistant above, and I, too, am available for this position! I think maybe you could have a reality show of your own where all of your loyal readers compete for such a fun job!
does your company have offices in nyc? i need your job. lol
Lincee, you are such a riot. I am in PR and in no way travel to such cool places. When I was getting into PR I stayed away from the corporate and super tech accounts, but I should have gone after Chevron!
Who would of thought that going to oil rigs would take you to such exotic destinations! Thanks for the awesome stories and letting us experience all this with you. By the way, the GBGA (Green Beans Growers Association) is looking for a PR person, you interested?! HaHa. Keep rocking the blogesphere!
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