iHateGreenBeans

SHALOM readers! As you know, I am currently on the second leg of my Israeli Invasion ’08 tour to the Holy Land. In preparation for my departure, I asked several friends if they would write the recap while I was gone.

And everyone said, “NO!”

Wondering how I was going to find time to upload the show on ABC.com, I decided to let one of my frequent commenters take a stab.

He’s always been hilarious and makes me laugh with anything and everything he posts.

With that, I give my keyboard to “SOME GUY” and hope that you enjoy the show and his recap.

All about the shame, not the fame,

LINCEE

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Some Guy:
I have been asked to fill some very big shoes with this week’s recap. Lincee has been traveling, and she asked me if I would be interested in filling in. I was honored that she asked, and will do my best to carry the torch this week. She will be back in the saddle next week – no worries there.

My Simple Disclaimer
I love my wife very much, and I like spending time with her. Sometimes that means we watch TV together. I’ve been in and out on the Bachelor/Bachelorette series. The past few seasons I have been in. We discovered Lincee’s blog, and she is gold. I don’t know Lincee personally, nor do I know anyone on the TV show. I’m just Some Guy.

This week starts with the now stock recap reminding us how badly our hearts were broken last year. We all wish ABC would turn the page, but they won’t. Since they went there I will give my thoughts on the situation.

He wasn’t that into her. It happens. She came off as intense and a little high maintenance to me. He should have played along and been another one of those couples that just couldn’t keep it together. But he didn’t. C’est la vie.

Zero to Hero
Paul, Graham, and Jeremy get to come up to the Penthouse this week. They meet DDah at the pool. She’s in her bikini, and Jeremy is in a jacket. He’s from Texas, y’all. It’s hot here.

Chef breaks it down for us back at the clubhouse. Jeremy is going to be on DDah like white on rice, and Graham is hot. Nothing on Paulie. We also see Richard looking pretty stylish, IMHO. I think to myself that he may have been a starting quarterback and the president of his fraternity for all we know. He is a science teacher, but still looks like a solid dude.

Rooftop Romance
DDah shows up in a sparkly dress, and says that she’s looking for a spark. Richard says the view of LA from on top of some tall building is not as good as the view of DDah.

They talk about the most romantic date he’s ever been on. He got a picnic set backpack and went to Lake Ontario at sunset. Some Guy says “good call.” We also learn that shooting stars are just space junk.

Richard is worried about “just” being a teacher, and being able to provide for DDah. She is actually cool with it, and I start to think that maybe I was being too harsh on her all this time. Tricky Dick also reveals that he keeps relationships on the d/l from his family. Strange.

Inside now, and Science Teacher Richard gives a pop quiz:

Nerd: You have to take risks in relationships. True or False?

DDah: True. Blink. Blink.

Nerd: Awkward silence. Brushes hair out of the way that wasn’t in the way.

Some Guy: Dude!!!

ABC Intern: Drops the ball on the Disney cross-branding – “Kiss the Girl” should be playing.

Next they do some Cinderella carriage ride. I flash to that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer got too many cans of beans at the bulk food store and calamity ensued. Still no kissing from Richard. Peace, homey.

Group Date Two – Boot-Scooting Boogie
While all that mess was happening, we flash back to the men’s room. We see two things loud and clear: Graham is not afraid to show Chef how to really wear pink, and the clubhouse room looks like the remnants of a nuclear accident. What’s up with the questionably stained corrugated aluminum (also questionable) walls?

Brian (Daryl Johnston), Dojo, Jesse, Graham (Hugh Laurie), ChiCAHgo Fred (Jason Bateman), Chef, Twilly, Ron, Paulie, and Jeremy get the group date. That means Jason gets the 1×1 date. He can finally discuss Ty.

After they get gussied up in their cowboy duds we hear from Brian:

Brick House Brian: I want to rope a chicken and exchange it for a rose.

Some Guy: I don’t think that’s slang for anything.

The gates open, and we see a motley crew. Why does Paulie have my yard work hat? And does it have fringe on it?

DDah looks good with a cowboy hat and ponytails. Something is wrong with her hat, though. Either it’s on crooked, or it’s creased wrong. This becomes too distracting for me whenever we get a shot of DDah telling us something. I should disclose that I went to college in a place known as “cow town” so I do feel qualified to speak on these matters.

I’ve never really been a fan of line dancing. The Cotton-Eyed Joe is, of course, an exception to that. Are they doing the electric slide?

Next is the mechanical bull riding. Jesse is the only guy who dismounted the bull voluntarily. He’s also the first one to come to DDah’s rescue when she draws the guys offsides with her (really brilliant) ploy to feign injury. Jesse gets some 1×1 time with DDah, where he says he does not want someone identify herself as Jesse’s Girl. But I still really like that song.

There were three guys who did NOT go to her rescue: Soul Patch Ron, Paulie, and Chef. SP Ron then calls Jeremy out for being tactless. SP Ron also tells DDah that his beef with Jeremy is none of her business, and he gives her several glaring “back off, woman” smiles. He also rattles off this array of clichés:

• I (Ron) am a guy’s guy

• Iron sharpens iron

• You need someone as strong as you are to make you stronger

Twilly does a campfire chant that ends with a fizzle. My wife and I scratch our heads in bewilderment. Jesse is an instigator. Keep your eyes on this, people.

Chef gets all deep. I check out for a few minutes while I hear “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” in my head. What’s the deal with all the Disney tunes, and how does The Intern keep missing these? Chef gets rosed. Why are they drinking out of glasses at a campfire?

One-On-One Date – Jason
DDah pops in on the guys, and tells Jason they are waiting for their ride. She has a surprise for him. She hearts surprises. The ride arrives. Helicopters are cool. We did a helicopter tour of the active volcano in Hawaii. Once.

Jason: Your eyes sparkle when you smile.

Some Guy: Again with the sparkling. Oohhh – observatories are also cool.

DDah then tells us that the date has been perfect, and she can’t see anything wrong with Jason. Uh-oh. They have a genuinely good talk, though, and I can’t say anything snarky about it. They talk about Ty and DDah’s mother. He is the first guy to show any interest in her mom. How is that possible?!?

Jason gets rosed. They look at stars. He asks for permission to kiss. Ladies – what’s the ruling on this?

Field Trip
The whole gang piles into a limo with some kind of mirror roof. Huh. Dojo got a haircut. I guess SP Ron brought his scissors to the house. Why not – that girl last season brought her freaking spray tan machine.

We like Ellen in our household. She also does a good job of actually being helpful. Ellen asks some tough questions, and then makes the boys do a dance off. Then they take their pants off. I wonder if Pants Off Dance Off is still on TV.

Backstage the guys give Jason Bateman props for opening up. Twilly is still awkward. Chef has yet another pink shirt.

Fred gets rosed.

Rose Ceremony Pre-Party
DDah has concerns she needs to clear up. I give her credit for being direct with these boys. First up is SP Ron, who has called Jeremy out for lacking tact.

Ron: How are you?

DDah: Cold

“Not lacking tact” Ron does not offer his jacket. She thinks he’s too wrapped up in the guys and his feud with Jeremy. Can he lighten up?

SP Ron: Everything about me is fun.

Crickets: Chirping

Some Guy: Lots of words and intense looks that actually said “No.”

Jeremy steals DDah from SP Ron. Classic. SP Ron goes back into the house, which is now on alert. We see DDah and Jeremy walk off. We hear DDah thank Jeremy for saving her. OUCH!

Jesse stirs the pot. Ron rolls off some more clichés – cream rises to the top, and smoke is an indication of fire. He also says the Jeremy situation will take care of itself in two days or 10 years. SP Ron says Jeremy lacks integrity as we see Jeremy give DDah his jacket. In your FACE Ron! Jeremy also asks DDah if she would move to Dallas, and she said she could. I think that’s big.

Single Dad Jason gets some time with DDah where she gives him a certificate for a star that she had named after his son. That’s really sweet, people.

Dojo is totally gangster with that suit, and it just hit me that Jesse is also wearing a suit. Nice full Windsor knot on the tie.

The Rose Ceremony
Deliberation room time. OHCH and DDah break down some of the bachelors for us:

Brian: Nice, but always talks about the other guys

Twilly: Over the top

Jesse: Different, but fantastic

Graham: Her main focus is to get his guard down

Jeremy: Confident. She likes confidence

Ron: Bad conversations, and seems like a motivational speaker

Jason: Good. No matter what he will always have that star (uh oh)

The others did not get a run-down.

The Last Six Roses

• Twilly (what?!?)
• Jesse
• Jeremy
• Brian
• Graham
• Sean (Dojo)

Adios:

• Ron
• Paul

Paul is a good kid, and he’s a little shaken up.

Ron is delirious. He gives us another cliché, and I have a hard time writing it down because I am laughing too hard. “Sometimes the tree gets knocked down
before it gets to bear fruit.” If Jeremy is the one for her he wishes them the best*. He repeated that he was not rejected – she just chose other guys. I say rejected.

* “but it’s absolutely doomed for failure”

Next Week
Lincee will be back, and we get to see DDah wig out. Yay!

Thank you for letting me have this opportunity.

~Some Guy

***WebMAN note: For more on Some Guy, see his blog at: http://blog.websitesbybarrett.com/