The cat whisperer
I love Cats.
The musical. I can’t stand real cats.
The dislike was probably born out of medical necessity. You see, I’m allergic to cats. BIG TIME allergic to cats. If I sit on a couch that a cat has been on or near, my eyes become a watery, itchy mess and my air passages start to close.
Plus, most cats seem a bit snobby to me. It’s my opinion, but it’s probably true.
So you can imagine my disgust when the apartment cat decided to befriend me the minute I moved into my place almost two years ago. He sits at my window and meows for hours. I have to turn my TV up really loud to properly ignore him. Rumor has it that the gal who used to live in my apartment fed him all the time. And before you call me a mean cat hater, just know that the lady upstairs feeds him EVERY DAY and sometimes lets him in her place.
I’m itching just now thinking about it.
So Drake, as we call him because that’s the street I live on, is not hard up for loving. He thinks I am the bomb and loves me even though I don’t return the favor.
And how would I know this?
Because that dumb cats INSISTS on leaving me fun presents on my door mat. Let’s begin with the headless lizard. Sure it was the size of my finger, but none-the-less, DEAD and HEADLESS on my mat. It took a lot of courage for me to pick up the corner and fling the reptile into the nearby bushes. And then there was the frog he left me last summer. Poor chubby thing probably never saw Drake coming. That took a little more chutzpah to fling its dead carcass in the bush.
But there was one day that still haunts me. It will forever be the reason why I will never, EVER, fly out of my front door in a rush without looking below to see what treats have been bestowed on the infamous door mat.
It was winter. I remember because I had opened the door and felt a gush of cold air greet me. I closed the door and ran to find my gloves. I was in a rush to get to work and in my haste, I flung the door back open and started to step out to greet my day with a big smile. Praise be to the good Lord, I happen to look down.
It was St. Valentine’s Day massacre at my front door.
I was in mid-step and it took all of the strength in my legs to catapult myself over the bloody mess. I turned around to find a headless rat that had been gutted all over my mat and door. And when I say rat…I mean RAT! By the looks of things, it gave Drake the fight of his life. Blood was spattered on my door, my window, the carcass bush…EVERYWHERE!
I start to sick myself out looking at the remains of this animal. And then I notice. My glove is among the perished.
I guess in my attempt to hoist myself up an over, I lost grip on one of my mittens and it landed in the middle of the aftermath. Who cares, right?
I loved those gloved.
Notice I said loved.
Being used to frogs and lizards, it took a major pep talk with myself to strategically lean over just to lock my door. There was NO WAY I was going to attempt to fling any carcasses into the carcass bush this go around. I somehow managed to lock the door and then ran away as if the headless rat could chase me. I spot Drake on my way out and manage a “BAD KITTY” as I’m running for my life to my car. With one cold hand.
I call the apartment people and say that a small horse had been murdered on my front porch and someone needed to make sure that was NOT there when I returned home. I encouraged the guy that he needed to bring bleach as well.
“That cat must really love you,” he said. “It shows a sign of affection when they leave something like that on your front porch. It’s like a peace offering present.”
Maybe a nice gift basket full of wine and cheese next time?
Since then, I’ve been civil to Drake. Knowing that he is trying, makes me want to be nice. I greet him when I’m on the way to my car. I don’t kick him when he rubs up against my leg. It’s something, right?
So this weekend, a new neighbor moved in. Guess what? She has a cat. It’s an outdoor/indoor cat. And she’s mean. On Sunday, I heard a noise that made me jump out of my skin, run to the window with my phone in hand ready to call 9-1-1. It sounded like someone dying!
It was Drake and the new cat fighting. The most AWFUL noise you’ve ever heard in your life. And she was instigating! I had to go out and break the stupid fight up because I thought she was going to throw down. And Drake, being a gentleman, was not going to get into it with a girl cat. She ran off. Drake went to sulk by the pool.
That night, Drake was sprawled out by my door. Feeling sorry for him, I took my foot and scratched him three times. Just three. Can’t have him meowing at my window like he used to back in the day. I’ve just broken him of this habit. But three scratches is more than enough.
And this morning, I was left with this present.
You are welcome Drake.
2 funny AND ewwwww!
i hope you like dogs, or are you allergic to them as well?
LUVVED. LOVED, loooooooveddddduh the recap! best evah!
so, when are we going to read more about all that is Lincee? you know, the other questions we posed a few weeks ago. more, we want more!!!
terri
This is hilarious! AND the reason I never let the cat I had growing up outside.
Omg
I am crying. I am laughing so hard. That is hysterical. I like cats. Some are snobby, some are not. I think Drake is trying to woo you. I’m sure it takes a lot of effort to catch those critters
ewwww! I am allergic to cats too, and I hate them! They just seem “shady” to me. My apartment complex has a fox running around, talk about scary! Once in the winter I heard a terrible shrieking noise outside, I looked out my bedroom window and there was the fox… sitting up on its hind legs on the sidewalk STARING into my neighbor’s bedroom window and shrieking! Freaky fox! I’m still scared to walk out to my car at night!
I am a major cat lover, and this story just kills me. How funny! When you locked your door and ran away reminded me of how I am with dead bugs or something. You know they are dead, but you have this fear of them still!
Give Drake my love
Bwahahahahah! Best story all week! Thank you for making me laugh!!!
I’m CRYING. Greatness, Lincee.
WTF is that thing? It looks like it was a flying lizard of some sort!! EWWWWWWWW!!!
DRAKE? OMG Lincee’s my neighbor! And the world gets smaller.
Isabel and Stella would like for me to inform you that you are very fortunate to have Drake in your life. How would you know you’re allergic if he were not there to remind you? They live indoors and would, you should pardon the expression, kill, for the chance to leave me such charming gifts. In Brasil it’s considered good luck to have lizards come into your home — they walk on the walls and the ceiling, and are generally left entirely undisturbed. Isabel and Stella have begged me several times to allow just one of the local squirrels in, as a sign of good luck for our home near the park. They SWEAR they won’t hurt the squirrel — they just want to watch it play in the house, as a break from their regular routine of eating, pooping and then the exhausting task of sleeping 20 hours a day. Drake would probably agree that the larger the prey, the more satisfying the giving — the headless lizard was probably like a bad day on the court for him.
And remember Lincee — were Drake a female, you might have the great fortune of baby Drakes to admire!
THAT is classic! I, too, live in an apartment with crazy stray cats outside. They also make noises all night and sleep on our cars (which I hate). They have only left me what looks like hairballs, so I’ll be sure not to tap them. Yikes!
Poor headless BIRDIE!!!
Lincee, I’m not allergic to cats, nor dogs, they just give me the heebie geebies!!! Now I grew up with doggies (Daddy loves them), but I can only tolerate them from afar…. Our last doggie, Joe, used to leave us gifts with the same kinda flair as Drake, so I completely understand.
My friends ask why I don’t have at least a doggie. I tell them I bearly remember to feed myself so I would not want to inflict such hardships on poor defenseless doggie.
The only story I have about cats is my parents’ neighbor Ms. Fay is bka the Cat Lady. She has at least 15 in and out of her house. She even walks quietly like them. On Sunday, when my parents and I got back from our roadtrip to Dallas, she came to bring their newspapers. She scared the shootkins out of me as she just like appeared out of no where, stepping all lightly and such, behind the cars in the garage. All I saw was a shadow and let out a yelp. My mom cracked up when I ran back in to tell her Ms. Fay scared the be-jubilee out of me. She says gets them all the time too.
That’s all I’ve got.
Awwww….you are Graham to his DDahnna….
(the photo won’t load up for me, but somehow I am grateful)
Aww… that cat really does like you! That sucks you’re allergic. I hope that new neighbor cat isn’t too much of a biatch!
My family’s cat leaves my sister “gifts” like that all the time – only, Ashes is an indoor/outdoor cat, so she tends to leave her gifts IN the house. The first time Ashes did this was YEARS ago – my sister came home from school to a trail of feathers leading down the hallway to her room. After a quick scan of the room, she thought it was nothing but feathers. Upon closer inspection, she found a decapitated bird under her bed. And there was the cat, sitting on top of her bed, pleased as can be, thinking that she was in for some extra affection. Oh, not so, kitty! My sister was about 12 and screamed her head off, crying that she could never sleep in the room again. Now, she’s 18, and is used to the dead bird under the bed routine. It doesn’t help that birds seem to like my parents’ backyard. It’s like a killing field every day right after the sprinklers go off.
Where’s an intern when you need one?
Ok this is just too weird. I’ve been reading this blog now for about a year (LOVE IT) and today as I was reading the cat whisperer post (and laughing hysterically) I thought to myself, “hmmm, that’s funny, I live on Drake St. at an apartment where there’s always this cat HOLY CRAP I THINK LINCEE IS MY NEIGHBOR.” And apparently #8 is my neighbor also. So, um, at the risk of sounding like a stalker … hi neighbors
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OMG too funny! I have to confess that I am a cat lover (have 3!). They are indoor cat’s though, so I don’t get “presents” like you do…LMAO! Drake loves Lincee
)))
And how funny that 3 of you seem to live in the same apartment complex! I’m jealous of #8 and #15…you might get to meet the famous Lincee!!
Good one DJ !!! My dearly departed Spooky used to catch, decapitate ( why?) and then eat
the mouse. Then come inside and throw it all back up on the carpet. It’s as vile as it sounds.
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to steam clean these floors. But even after all that I’d still
never be able to have a pet free home-they are too precious and full of love.
That Drake. He is so thoughtful.
Precious.
I am also allergic to cats and don’t care for them, either–I have a different take on the “gifts” they bring.
They bring those gifts to people who don’t like cats just to get on their nerves–they do it out of spite!
Our barn cat brought me a half-dead (still struggling) mouse one time, which forced me to have to whack that poor mouse with the manure fork in order to put it out of his misery.
I feel the cat did this to torment me, knowing how much it would bother me to whack the mouse.
This same cat used to urinate on my horse hay! Had to throw it all out!
These cats, they know when people don’t like them. Evil little things.
(Lincee, your blog is the most entertaining place to visit on the internet!)
freaking. hilarious.
LOL, sooo funny. We had a couple cats when I was growing up. J.J. caught a giant rabbit and I found him dragging it home. It was bigger than he was. Another time, he was quarantined in a crate (for rabies, he accidently bit me, and my aunt freaked out, so as a result, they had to make sure he wasn’t rabid or I’d get rabies shots). Anyways, some dumb bird flew by the crate, and he caught it. Nothing left but feathers, legs and beak.
The other, Duke, had been an indoor apartment cat that was terrified of grass when we first adopted him. One day he was meowing to come in the house (sounded a little muffled, I should have known better). Let him in, and he dropped the gift on my foot. A mouse. That he had forgotten to kill. I screamed so loud, and the mouse took off. He was in the house for a week before my dad caught it. The cats just would ignore the mouse the entire week.
i’m just laughing at the fact that two of your neighbors who (whom?) you have never met are readers of your blog! love it!
Man, Lincee, we would so be friends in real life…cats are EVIL
Great story! I have to say that my aunt, who was very allergic to cats for most of her adult life, eventually adopted the abandoned cat who sat outside her house. She apparently was able to overcome the allergy, and now has two cats. It could happen, Lincee!
LMAO! What a great way to start the day! I have a cat – named The Fahvergnugen (the “The” in front of her name makes her feel very important) – who would love the chance to go outside and bring me a “gift”. The birds tease her all the time from the other side of the glass. She practices her skills by stalking her favorite feather toy. One day those birds wil be hers…one day…
Hilarious! Poor Drake. We also have an adopted-because-she-refused-to-leave cat. She regularly leaves “gifts” for us too. She is good – a true attack kitty! My mom put in a bird feeder in the backyard, and then took it out a few months later because it was just too inhumane – luring all those poor birds to their deaths.
OMG….my co-workers are dying to know what I keep laughing out loud about. And I don’t want to tell them b/cuz they already say, you’re still reading that blog! Do some work!!! You are obsessed w/that show.
Anywhoo…I also dislike cats. Dogs. Birds. Fish. Snakes. Farm animals (petting zoo’s creep me out!) All animals………creep me out.
Reminds me of this “Cat Diary” I got in an email the other day:
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
OK, see — this is why you should write a book. That’s a perfect little mini-chapter right there. You are SO STINKIN’ FUNNY!! Little stories like this mid-week are great entertainment between recaps — your real life is just as entertaining as the DeAHnna train wreck (and much less painful)! Thanks for the laughs.
I grew up with cats and love the little buggers, but the ‘gifts’ got to be a little much at times! It came to a peak one time when the cat caught a mouse, and was subsequently chased by the dog. Cat runs inside, dog bites cat, cat releases not-quite-dead-yet mouse which scurries away.
Fast forward 2 months.
I found out that the mouse set up house in one of my shoes, and removed the nest (poor pink Nike lining!). No sign of actual mouse. Cat proceeds to catch, kill, and deposit under the dining room table the MAMA mouse and her SIX BABIES that had moved to a new cat-accessible nest. My sister found the carnage with her bare feet at dinner that night
So glad it wasn’t me!
I just spit coffee out of my nose. Thanks for the caffeine “flush”.
Lincee – I feel your pain! I have a cat that LOVES to bring me gifts. I used to have a cat window so that the cat could come and go as it pleased (used to being key words here). But after he brought numerous gifts (chipmunks, moles, flying squirrels, and rabbits) inside the house, I was getting very fed up. I hate to take away his freedom, but I need to sleep at night knowing I am not sharing my house with some rodent! It wasn’t until I found his last “gift” as he was about to bring it in through the window to me – a snake! Thankfully it was injured and wasn’t much fun to my cat anymore and I was able to catch him before bringing it in. Needless to say the cat window was removed within 10 minutes of finding his last “gift” and he is now mainly an inside cat!
I too share the experience of cat offerings. I am currently cat-less but my last cat was indoor/outdoor and she was a giver! Her last gift was a bird that I didn’t see in her mouth as she was running thru the open doorway. As I screamed in slow motion “NOOOOOOOO Get back outside!”. I startled her into dropping it and the bird, who was not yet dead, began to swoop thru my house. Luckily I was still in shock and holding the door open and it swooped right on outside.
But I have to say….rodents are the worst and it isn’t the dead ones that I worry about finding….Giving myself the willies just thinking about that.
#8 and #15 so funny that you are all neighbors with Lincee…. and here to think the “magic” that is Lincee’s blog is going down right in front of you! You should plan a finale viewing party!
When I lived in an apartment, our complex had a 3-legged cat that used to roam the complex. Unfortunately, my name for him was not as original, we dubbed him “3-legged-kitty”. Many neighbors found him annoying because he howled a lot when he wanted food, but he of course always had my sympathy for he only had 3 legs and I’m an animal lover! Anyhow, many of the neighbors complained about him because again, he howled, and one day he dissappeared. Later, at a complex party; one of the employees confessed that another employee had poisoned that cat. Needless to say, I was horrified and complained to anyone who would listen. Morale of my story = Careful not to complain too much about Drake, he’s really trying to be a good kitty! Oh, and as a side; your new neighbor who lets her cat out sucks!
Just go by a BB gun and shoot it in the butt…that’s what I do with the stray cats in my neighborhood…they are so gross…and I love cats! I had one for 22 years but I didn’t let my aggravate other people.
I feel your pain. Once, I thought I bought a house. I was wrong. The house really belonged to a big ol’ tomcat the neighbors called “Frosty”. He entered and left the house whenever the mood struck him. He tried to help out with the groceries by leaving me various dead animal parts on the front doormat, not unlike your pal, Drake. I tried to tell Frosty I didn’t need his hand outs and, I begin to buy him expensive cat food, thinking he’d give up on lizards, birds and rodents. It didn’t work. Oh, he ate it, but he also continued to pursue game meat. Five years later the kids and I moved on. Frosty stayed. For all I know, he’s still there. After all, it was his house.
I too am seriously allergic, and I too can’t stand the animals. (I had a massive reaction at a friend’s house once, and their cat had been dead for 3 years.) I believe you are going way above and beyond for this Drake. But I must say, that story is too stinkin’ funny!
I have the exact same doormat…………although mine has less blood on it.
OMG this is a funny story! You are so witty. Thank you for a good laugh….
OMGosh…that is such a funny post. I happen to love cats and have two. Used to have 3 but one died of some disease just in May. It was very sad….she died in my arms. Anyway, I do understand allergies and can understand why you feel the way you do. One of our cats leave us treasures constantly. My favorite (NOT!) was a partially beheaded squirrel. And I nearly stepped on it as I was leaving for work. This same cat ate my pet bird also…I’m sure you wonder why we still have the cat? I don’t hold him responsible because he was a stray that I adopted and he was used to having to find his own meals. He was only doing what he was created to do…I know, I know…you all probably think I’m crazy!
All these reminded me of my friend’s cat Pippi who, among other gifts and the like, once took a bit out of a bunny’s butt…and the bunny was still hoppin around…(anyone remember the chocolate bunny cartoon that always comes out around Easter…it always cracks me up and I always think of that poor bunny’s butt.
the only good bird is a dead bird. excellent work Drake.
I am crying at work… I’ve got to stop reading your blog at work. People are going to wonder why I am continually seizing with silent laughter to the point of tears everytime they walk by my office!!
Thank you Lincee, this was hilarious!
Oh my God. That is THE funniest post I have possibly ever read. I’m at work crying and looking like a loony from laughing so hard. The photo at the end was perfect. I had a cat that left me presents like that. She brought me a dead mouse(with no blood showing, I was quite proud), and laid it exactly in the middle of my room on the floor. Good kitty(bad kitty!!!).
Lincee you are soooo hilarious…I absoluely hate cats (don’t really know why) so, who would’ve thought a cat story would make my day!
Thanks for the giggles!
Lancaster — I hope you are joking about shooting cats with BB guns. That’s awful. How do you know whether they are a true stray or someone moved due to the ridiculous market and abandoned them — and all they are trying to do is stay alive? Then, you come along and shoot them with a BB gun? Ignore them, if they are that “gross” to you. They don’t deserve to be shot.
This might be your funniest post ever!