iHateGreenBeans

As many of you have emailed, tragedy has struck The Bachelor again with news of a Monkey/Matty breakup.

From Extra:

“Shocker. Bachelor star Matt Grant and Shayne Lamas have ended their relationship. The spilt comes just days after the New York Post reported Shayne cheated on the British bachelor with Las Vegas media mogul Justin Weneger.

Lamas reportedly called off the relationship after the allegations surfaced, and insiders say Shayne is currently planning a trip to visit Weneger.

Grant presented his final rose and a marriage proposal to Lamas in May, which she accepted in the finale of the ABC reality dating series. Matt reportedly moved to L.A. to be closer to Shayne, an aspiring actress — and he is said to be heartbroken.”

He’s heartbroken, huh? Maybe I should plan a trip to the UK.

Nah. It’s easier to go down the road to Austin and eat sandwiches with Hotter than Crap Brad. That makes more sense economically. Because economics and logstics are the things that keep him from falling head over heels for me. Yeah…that’s it.

As most of you know, I was pretty pumped to see Mamma Mia this weekend as it opened in theaters from coast-to-coast. Several people asked me what I thought about the film. Of course, this is AFTER they realized I paid $7 to see a movie musical instead of Batman, but that’s neither here or there.

Did I like the movie? I give it an affectionate, “Meh.” Which translates into a B- in my book.

I love movie musicals. I grew up singing and dancing to Sound of Music, Bye Bye Birdie, Singin’ in the Rain, Grease…One and Two. Clearly I am hard core. I’m pretty sure that I am able to give an accurate position when grading current movie musicals.

It’s simple really. I ask myself, “Would I buy the DVD? Would I purchase the soundtrack?”

For instance, if the opportunity arose, I could have Madonna singing, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” in 2.5 seconds. Do I own the whole Evita album? No. Do I own the movie? No.

Here’s another example: Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat starring the effervescent Donny Osmond. Do I own the movie? Yes. HOWEVER…it’s in VHS format, which is a great big red flag that I don’t love it THAT much, or I would have upgraded to DVD by now.

You see where I’m going here? Donny and Madonna are certainly worthy…but I’m not a die hard fan of their musicals.

In the last 20 years, I think there have been five modern movie musicals that are worthy of both soundtrack and DVD purchase. It’s been extremely difficult and a little painful, but I have narrowed it down and they ARE in a particular order. Again…there will be no judging on this website. And please note that this does NOT count animated movies. We would be here all day if that was the case. Am I right?

#5: Dreamgirls
Jennifer Hudson singing, “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” is one of my favorite songs. I also like how I am able to channel my inner black woman when I sing the closing “Dreamgirls” number. It’s amazing. Especially in my car. Trust me.

#4: Moulin Rouge
C’mon people. Ewan McGregor? “Elephant Song Medley,” “Come What May” and “Your Song.” One of the few movies that Nicole Kidman doesn’t get on my nerves. Definite plus.

#3: Chicago
I must have been brain dead when this came out, because I never saw it in the theater. But when I rented it for the first time, I believe I bought the CD and DVD the very next day. One of the few CDs that I enjoy every song. I love “All That Jazz,” “Cell Block Tango” and “Mr. Cellophane.”

#2: Hairspray
Love the entire movie. Love the entire soundtrack. Everyone was perfectly cast. In fact, I think I prefer John Travolta as a large, curvy woman. And Michelle Pfeiffer hasn’t been THIS good since Grease 2. Oh yeah…I went there.

#1: Newsies
I know what you are thinking. “Seriously Lincee? You put Disney’s 1992 mega hit (in my eyes) as your first place movie musical in the last 20 years?”

My answer would be, “Heck yes!” But just to be sure, I called my friend Jill.

Jill: “Hello?”
Lincee: “I have a question for you. If you had to rank movie musicals that came out in the last 20 years, what would be…”

She answers before I have time to finish my sentence:

“ANNIE! Oh I loved that movie. I remember…”

I interrupt her.

Lincee: “I know! It’s one of my top ones too, but the rule is the last 20 years.”
Jill: “Right. Annie. With Aileen Quinn? That has to be your number one.”

Lincee: “Annie came out in 1982.”

I believe Jill’s words were, “Shut up.” Or something along those lines.

Lincee: “Yeah. We are old.”
Jill: “Then I would have to go with Newsies.”

Thank you. A total unbiased opinion from an outside source. It has nothing to do with that being a perfect example as to why Jill and I are friends. I’m just saying.

I saw Newsies in high school. I fell in love with Christian Bale and am a complete sucker for boys dancing. I wore out both the cassette and VHS tapes. I can sing every song and have mastered a pretty decent New York accent as a result. It’s that good. Think about it…a cassette, a CD, a VHS tape and a DVD. Would I steer you wrong?

So where does Mamma Mia fit in? Definitely not a top five. I contemplated purchasing the CD, but I already have the Broadway version and ABBA GOLD, so there’s really not a need. And I don’t think I can stomach hearing Pierce Brosnon singing “SOS” again. I’ll probably squish it up in the Top 10 behind Rent, Phantom of the Opera and Sweeney Todd for good measure.

What do you think? Did I totally miss the boat? Did you enjoy the movie? Should I give it another go? Did you rewind your VHS tape a million times when Christian Bale does a pelvic thrust while singing “Carrying the Banner” in the opening number of Newsies? Was that just me? Are there musicals that I left out? Are you going to judge me because I don’t care for Rent other than the song about five trillion twenty-one hundred six billion minutes?

Feel free to discuss below.

So there I was at my desk. It was a typical Monday afternoon of scrambling around to make deadlines. I hear a familiar bling from my cell phone, notifying me that I have a text message. It was from Nancy Jane. You remember my friend NJ, don’t you? She’s the one that blogged with me from Israel.

I open the text to find this magnificent message:

“My client has two extra tickets to the George Michael concert tonight. Do you want to go?”

I believe I left my computer on, displaying a half-written story on Rig 98 in Yemen, iTunes blaring a playlist titled “Road Trip 08″ and papers scattered all over my desk as I grabbed my purse and ran out the door while screaming to my boss and colleagues that I was going to see George Michael!

The first person I call is my sister Jamie. To rub it in, of course.

Lincee: “Guess where I’m going tonight?”
Jam: “Did you get advanced screening tickets to see Mamma Mia? I’m so jealous!”

Lincee: “Nope.”
Jam: “Well…John Mayer isn’t until next month, so I know that’s not it.”

Lincee: “I’M GOING TO SEE GEORGE MICHAEL!”

I called her back after she hung up on me and told her that the Great Debate would once and for all be put to rest. We discussed which songs I would be holding up my phone as George sang and said goodbye.

Then I either called or texted a ton of people. Again…to rub it in.

Nancy Jane had a meeting until 7:45. We were going to meet at her house at 8:00 and get to the show late, figuring we’d miss the opening act. NJ calls me in a panic:

“I’ve just read that there is no opening act! We have to get there fast. Meet me NOW!”

I hop in my car and drive like a crazy woman to Nancy Jane’s house. I pull up, she hops in and we are off. Then she looks with a questionable brow and asks me why I’m not playing George Michael on the way to the George Michael concert? I quickly pull him up on my iPod and we rock out to Freedom all the way to downtown. Where we had to stop. For a train. That was moving at a crawling pace.

Seriously? There are trains downtown? Who knew?

My patience were tested for the 20 minutes we sat there. I was convinced that he was probably singing Father Figure at that very moment, but Nancy Jane told me to have faith, uh, faith, uh, faith and believe! We finally made it across the tracks, in the parking garage and ran up to the lady taking the tickets. It was 8:40.

NJ: “Did he sing Faith yet?”
Ticket lady: “Honey, he hasn’t gone on yet.”

I’m not ashamed to say that I got teary right there as Nancy Jane hugged the sweet woman.

We ran to the client’s suite and busted through the door just in time to see George taking the stage. And the crowd (mostly consisting of a nice mixture of gay guys, trannies and women ranging in age from 30-44) went NUTS! Nancy Jane and I joined in the whooping and hollering with reckless abandon.

The show was stellar. George looked great. He continues to rock out with his signature dance moves. Most of all, he sounds amazing.

Not being a die hard GM fan, I didn’t recognize many of opening songs, other than that “to give you money” song. You know what I’m talking about. But when I heard the familiar beginning notes to Father Figure, I was transformed back to 1987. He sang a beautiful Gospel rendition of One More Try that is sadly not available on iTunes.

After the intermission clock counted down to zero, a subtle swelling of an organ began to play. Within seconds, the audience switched from murmuring to full out screaming at the top of our lungs. He was performing Faith and I thought I was going to hurl myself over the box onto the group of girls below who were sporting “Choose Life” t-shirts and rush the stage. I quickly dial my sister and hold the phone up for her to hear. Nancy Jane and I are dancing, singing and yelling BABY in all the right places. And then the Faith video pops up on the jumotron behind him. You think George Michael’s butt looks good on YouTube, you should see it five thousand feet high! I, personally, had to sit down and get an adult beverage after this performance.

Luckily, he was playing a song I was unfamiliar with. I decided to take this time to check text message replies from those I had reached out to earlier in the evening.

Original message: “On my way to George Michael concert!”
Jill: “No. Way.”
Rebecca: “FUN!”
webMAN: “I’m sorry.”
Chance: “Studying for the bar. I am dead to the world until August.”

I won’t bore you with details from the rest of the second set, but it was extremely entertaining. Especially the girl in the box next to us who kept yelling, “FREEDOM! PLAY FREEDOM.” And every once in a while I thought I heard, “FREE BIRD! PLAY FREE BIRD!”

Yeah honey. Wrong concert. Skynyrd is next week. Maybe it’s time to go easy on the Peach Schnapps there chica.

But she did have a point. Why wasn’t my boy playing Freedom? Surely it’s coming…

We are screaming our guts out for an encore. He sings a slow song and then Careless Whisper. For the millionth time that night, we all go crazy for George Michael. Then he leaves the stage and returns for a second encore, wearing a cop uniform and sings Outside.

Then he bids us farewell.

EXCUSE ME? This is unacceptable.

Nancy Jane and I join Freebird next door and start yelling, “FREEDOM” to the top of our lungs. Felt very William Wallace. This goes on for a good five minutes. People begin to leave thinking he is done. But NJ, Freebird and I will NOT give in.

Out from behind the jumbotron from heaven, George appears and says that he has energy for one more song and he is going to let us choose what he sings.

I have to tell you reader…I honestly thought to myself, “I really need to yell FREEDOM as loud as I can so he can hear me. What if some lame person in the front row shouts out WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO and we are stuck with that as our last memory of this blessed night?”

Nancy Jane, Freebird and I give it all we’ve got as FREEDOM erupts from the depths of our souls.

Along with 20,000 other people in the stadium. It was a weird rush that we had all come together with one common goal. The 32-year-old girls, the trannies and the gay guys who just celebrated 10 years of partnership…FREEDOM!

He rocked the house. And it was glorious.

The only thing that would have made the night perfect would have been Sir Elton John taking the stage to sing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down. That, or George Michael Bluth making an appearance.

The next day, I’m on the phone with my Mom.

Lincee: “Is it wrong that I have a crush on a gay guy?”
Mom [nervous]: “Uhm…what guy are you talking about?”

Lincee: “George Michael.”
Mom: “George Michael from his Faith video?”

Lincee: “Yes.”
Mom: “That’s before we knew he was gay, so I think it’s fine.”

It’s nice to have support from your family.

PS: No question–FREEDOM is the clear winner for the Great Debate in my book!

***holding the phone for Jam during Faith***

So there I was on my couch, killing time until I was scheduled to leave for the George Michael concert, when I noticed my DVR record light popped on.

What’s that? Am I to understand you just felt a pang of jealousy rush through your body because I was fortunate enough to be invited to the George Michael concert last night?

Oh yes. I went. AND IT WAS FABULOUS! I will be posting about sweet George later.
Be patient and have faith, uh faith, uh faith.

Back to me on the couch looking cute in my jeans and heels wondering what in the world could POSSIBLY be recording on a Monday night in July. I go to the menu and see that BACHELOR is highlighted in red.

Interesting.

I quickly flip to ABC and Our Host Chris Harrison is in the circular candle room explaining to the viewing audience that he is about to take us down Memory Lane because America wants to know what those crazy Bachelors and Bachelorettes from past seasons are up to.

Interesting again. Didn’t we just do this in March? I decide to stick with it.

The opening segment is the one I like to call:
LOOK PEOPLE! THIS SHOW REALLY DOES WORK! BELIEVE US!

The first 10 minutes were dedicated to D and Jesse and how they are America’s couple. I’m not sure if I would go that far, but okay. We are privileged to experience their “This Is Real Love” video package that ABC relentlessly made us watch in the last two episodes of the regular season, twice during the finale, Men Tell All and After the Final Rose. The next 10 minutes were dedicated to Monkey and Matty and how they are England’s couple. Following the same cookie cutter format of D and Jesse, we are forced to sit through the “Things Are Obviously Not Good, But We Have Three More Months On Our Contract Before We Can Officially Break Off Our Engagement” video package.

Next up…a few of the Bachelors of seasons past.

Aaron
Aaron is the president of a bank and a restaurant owner of not one, but TWO establishments. Isn’t he successful? He wraps up his interview package by saying he probably should have picked Gwen or Brook instead of that chick who liked her dog better than him. He just oozes class. And if you are interested, he’s number G7S98 at the Springfield, Missouri sperm bank.

Andrew Firestone
I have to say little Andy Firestone has a special place in my heart. And it’s not because he has rich relatives. He was my first season of Bachelor blogging and I still remember Amber Waves of Grain talking about the Olive Garden as if it were yesterday. He reminisces about falling in love with Jen and how she moved to San Francisco to work on his famous relatives’ vineyard. But the euphoria wore off and reality set in. It’s been five years since the show and little Andy Firestone is happy and planning a wedding with the love of his life. She is super pumped that he was able to sow his wild oats on the Bachelor in order to spend quality time transforming his famous rich relative’s turn-of-the-century barn on the famous Firestone vineyard into a reception hall for their nuptials. Our Host Chris Harrison applauds Andy Firestone and congratulates him on his marriage, which occurred just this past weekend…as if ABC had anything to do with it!

THE GIRLS
Trish…Jesse Palmer season
Trish still does what she pleases. She’s not ashamed that she crashed Jesse’s date with Peaches-N-Cream Barbie and is proud that she had the last word. She doesn’t think twice about the Bachelor, still owns her gold digger t-shirt and is now engaged to a delicious man who is quickly filling her passport with stamps.

TiErica
Nice boobs. Seriously?

Brook from Season Aaron
Brook is married and is a reporter on a local TV station in Birmingham and runs marathons. Her husband is mute.

Heather from Texas
She’s married to a high school classmate and has a reporting job for the CCCA. That’s something to do with fishing.

Emotions out of hand Christi (Aaron’s year)
It’s been five years since the Bachelor and Christi has found a job she loves, a successful career, a house that she owns, a yellow Volvo and dog that is the love of her life that happens to be the only man she needs. Oh Christi. Together everyone, “Bless your heart.”

Kristin (Renzy’s year)
Kristin finally found a guy who appreciates the skillful art of making false teeth out of orange peels.

THE GOLDEN COUPLE
What’s a Bachelor show that doesn’t feature Trista and Ryan as the proof in the pudding that you CAN find true love in six weeks on a reality show? In order not to screw this last union up, the ABC Psychotherapist is adamant that DD and Jesse visit Trista and Ryan in order to be coached on how to successfully maneuver this thing we call “love.”

But before we hear the couple’s counseling session, we are privileged to experience the “All It Takes Is Romance and Happiness to Make It” Trista and Ryan video package.

And maybe a televised wedding during sweeps. You KNOW the intern is itching for an excuse to pull out his pink and baby blue sand again. And the flags. Wow. I forgot the audience waved flags after Trista and Ryan were pronounced man and wife. Ten bucks says that they attend DDAHnna and Jesse’s wedding on May 9, 2009. Or maybe they will be invited to commentate like Our Host Chris Harrison did! Exciting times ahead!

But wait. The couch is still not ready for the therapy session. Instead, we are privileged to experience the “We Have the Cutest Baby Ever and Insist on Dressing Him in Catch Phrase Onesies” video package. Max is adorable. And if you don’t believe me, his onesie says so. I’m pretty sure the last one he was wearing said, “Green Peace” or “Green Peas” [patent pending…CALLED IT.] My favorite was, “I’m glad my Daddy accepted the rose” but it was left on the cutting room floor. Pity.

Finally, DDAHnna and Jesse are allowed into the room where Trista and Ryan are all snuggly together on a big comfy couch. Jess sits down in a big squishy chair across from the couple. Instead of DD sitting adjacent in an equally-as-squishy chair, she decides to wedge herself in with Jesse and fling her legs over his lap. You know. As if they have been dating/married forever. Like Trista and Ryan. Her role models.

Trista begins the session by asking where they spent their alone time…Bahamas was it?…and if that was when she knew Jesse was the one for her. DDAHnna quickly reminds Trista that it was NOT the Bahamas…but the GRAND Bahamas and yes…that was indeed the time she fell in love.

DDAHnna: “It was just the little things that made it wonderful. You can get to know someone when you are in a fantasy suite together. He doesn’t leave the toilet seat up, which is a plus. And he doesn’t snore…which is a deal-breaker for me. And his hair is so cute in the morning when he wakes up after a long night of…”

Trista: “There’s a baby upstairs. Let’s keep it to G-Rated, okay D?”

DDAHnna tells the camera that she is PUMPED that Trista is her new bestie. They have tons in common. They both like boys from Colorado. And they were both dumped by evil Bachelors on live TV. And neither of their original Bachelors has found true love. SCORE!

The couples are forced to segregate. Trish asks if she can “steal” DDAHnna away to go outside. It gets a big laugh from the set. The cameras, unfortunately were not rolling, and the intern asks her to sit back down and do it again. She obliged, but with much less enthusiasm. She and Ryan are SO OVER scripted material.

D asked Trista how to make this marriage work, because she is only getting married ONCE and time is ticking with her “three by 30” goal. Trista says that there will be 15 minutes of fame and to take advantages of the perks. But then she warns that it is important to get back to the reality of dating and being a couple.

Back inside, Jesse asks a much more serious question:

“Dude…how do I get her to Colorado? Was it hard for Trista to move here?”

Ryan answers no, because they are so ridiculously in love that she would follow him anywhere. Jesse looks forlorn. Ryan says that all he needs is romance in order to find true happiness. And if he works hard at the relationship…and not making it a fairy tale like ABC wants, then he will be fine.

The producers stare at each other from behind the camera, but decide to continue rolling since this is there one and ONLY success story. Maybe this fireman really knows what he’s talking about!

Ryan goes on to say that Jess should not be a jerk when approached on the street. He reminds him that he is an inspiration for people all over the world that you can find your soul mate in the unlikeliest of places. Jesse utters a low, “Duuuuuude. That’s awesome” before asking about the final pièce de résistance piece of advice.

“She wants three kids by 30. How in the world am I supposed to handle that?”

Ryan: “You need to have some alone time for sure before having kids. Because kids change priorities. My best advice to you is to start now and pray for twins.”

It’s time for Jesse and DDAHnna to head back to Breck, but before they go, DD begs Trista to wake Baby Max up from his nap so she can smell his head. Trista fetches the little one and hands him over to DD. If you were a dog, you could have heard DD’s uterus cry out. She forces Jesse to “put that baby on your hip.” He does and looks like he’s about to hurl. Much like he did right before buying an engagement ring. Trista attempts to pry her baby from DD’s arms and bids the couple farewell.

So there you have it! I’m assuming…

Wait. What’s this? Hotter than Crap Brad Womack? Why are we on this fake set that is supposed to look like his living room? Is he watching the finale on a TV that is way too tiny and would never be in a Bachelor pad? Is that a hoagie on a plate in front of him? Did Hotter than Crap Brad just take a ginormous bite of that sandwich? Do I hear audio of Jesse asking D to marry him? Did Hotter than Crap Brad just choke back some of that hoagie when D answered yes?

And then my DVR cut off. This has ABC intern written all over it. Kudos my friend. You will be missed. Until the fall!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee