Archive for December, 2008
Everything’s coming up roses
We are in the home stretch ladies and gentlemen. The Bachelor starts on MONDAY! I have my handy dandy clicker counter that will help me keep track of how many times Our Host Chris Harrison reminds the lovely viewing audience that Jason was DUPED at the Home Depot proposal pedestal by the evil DDAHnna Pappas who now holds a permanent place in Bachelor history IRONICALLY beside her evil DUPER Hotter Than Crap Brad Womack.
How’s that for a run-on sentence? You know I love them…
In keeping with the tradition, each year I take a quick peek at lineup of Bachelorettes and decide who I think Jason will take with him in the first round based strictly on looks, age and occupation. Because let’s face it…that’s all he will be judging from too.
I’ve narrowed it down to the four below:
This is Jackie. She’s 26, lives in Dallas and appears to be cute as a button. One red flag that Jason might have against her…she’s a wedding coordinator. Of course, Jason is in touch with his feminine side, so he may find that extremely convenient if he wants to promote Jasonopoly, the “look how far we’ve come in our relationship” board game.
Jillian is 29. She’s closer to Jason’s age and more than likely hears her biological clock ticking away. As an interior designer, her time is probably her own and she can pretty much work from any location. Her side pony tail is questionable. But I’m willing to take a chance on this girl.
Lauren is a teacher from Florida. Teachers like kids. Jason has a kid. Lauren will like Ty, therefore, Jason will like Lauren. It’s all about the math really. However, she is a blond. That may be a problem.
Megan is 25. Funny, because she looks older than that to me. But she’s also a single Mom which makes her more mature than other 25-year-olds. She is a coach which will bring out the competitive spirit in Jason. He likes to do push-ups on benches and kayak. Match made in heaven.
So what’s your take? Head over to abc.com and check out the bios. Let me know if there’s someone that sticks out to you as a potential mate. Are you guys pumped?
Let the melba toast commence.
Tis the season to be thrifty
When celebrating the holidays this year, it’s important to remember that during these trying economic times, friends and family members need to pull together and give from the heart instead of the pocketbook. Use your imagination. Get creative.
Why don’t you have a white elephant dinner party with your friends instead of a traditional gift exchange? You might end up with a truly fabulous item. Much like the plethora of sheer genius gifts that stole the show of the gathering I attended last night.
Sure ornaments, bottles of wine and baked goods are lovely. But do they say, “I really put a lot of thought as I rummaged through my garage for the perfect gift” like a white elephant does? I don’t think so.
There were four hot items that made their way through several hands. Nancy Jane made a lamp out of popsicle sticks, painted them green and red and had her neighbor wire the masterpiece. The illumination from that red bulb was breathtaking. Another hit was the commemorative presidential plate featuring Obama. Luckily our friend Gardale included the official collector’s item certificate in the package. A slinky thong with rhinestones reading, “HO, HO, HO” made it’s way through several of the married men. But the true hit of the night was the toy parrot that actually spoke. A stuffed animal squawking, “pretty bird” is awesome by itself. But the fact that the parrot had a feature in which one can switch Polly’s interjections from sweet to uncensored…well that’s just fun for the entire family. Hearing Polly ask for an “f-ing” cracker is hilarious. Even if you didn’t have a glass of wine.
‘Tis the season people. Dig deep. Pull from your natural gifts and extend that love to your family and friends this year. If all else fails, do what Drake the apartment cat did to me this morning:
Nothing says HAPPY HOLIDAYS like the head, tail and small intestine of a ginormous rat on your door mat.
Merry Christmas IHGB readers! And God bless us every one.
Sweeney Sisters
This is me and my friend Jill. We are dressed as the famous Saturday Night Live dynamic duo, THE SWEENEY SISTERS! Some of you may be too young to remember. And that makes me sad for you. Please – do not try to find their act on the Intraweb. It doesn’t exist. Believe me. I’ve looked every month since this summer when Jill and I were asked to reprise our roles as Christmas Cafe hosts. The theme was “Be There with Bells On” and the Sweeney Sisters just so happen to have a “bell medley” skit they did back in the 90s. Luckily, Jill and I were well versed and had the thing practically memorized.
The weekend was so much fun! We had four shows and the Sweeney Sisters opened and closed each night. In-between we had little skits that included us dressing as Taco Bell employees, elves, a Home Shopping Channel show where we sold holiday items in New York accents and Jill in a milk maid outfit and me in a cow costume selling Blue Bell ice cream. Oh it’s as funny as it sounds.
Ironically, this was not the first time I’ve found myself on a stage with Jill in a random costume. After meeting each other at a Pi Phi cookie shine/induction ceremony/pledge lock-in, Jill and I became fast friends and soon learned we were kindred spirits. In our first performance as Vivacious Violets (a fancy title for “entertainment chairpersons” during RUSH week at Baylor) we’ve transformed ourselves into go-go dancers, flappers, orphans, bride/bridesmaid and two of the five Spice Girls. After graduation, we found ourselves at Disney World in Jungle Cruise outfits and somehow reprised our Spice Girl roles in ice blue fringe dresses at the Adventureland Christmas party. We were a big hit.
Sadly, the older you get, the more you have to work to find a stage so that you can unleash your inner actress. Fortunately, since becoming grown-ups, we’ve managed to dress as Little Orphan Annie and Cruella DeVille, an angel and shepherd, a doll and a present and by golly if those little ice blue fringe numbers didn’t make a THIRD appearance at our friend’s rehearsal dinner.
Now that it’s over, we’ve both discussed that we are going through Cafe withdrawals. We’ll call each other and sing a bit of the medley. Or we’ll speak with our New York accents. But it’s just not the same when you aren’t wearing a wig or head to toe sequins.
I guess I’ll have to drum up a holiday play with all the kids at Christmas this year. I’ll recruit my pregnant sister and her husband to be Mary and Joseph. Then the rest of us can be barnyard animals. I think I know where I can score a real goat though. So much planning to do!
On a final note, many of you have asked/requested to see a video of the performance. I can say with quite certainty…over my sequined dead body!
Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night.
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