iHateGreenBeans

Thank you guys so much for being patient as I battle the Texas/Louisiana “cold” and come hither looks from roughnecks. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.

And thanks for all the Our Host Chris Harrison support. He emailed me the other day to let me know how much you guys rock. Keep it up! It’s nice to get lots of comments and traffic on your site. That’s how we bloggers feel love. And as of last night when I sat down to write this thing after suffering through horrendous American Idol tryouts in which I was permanently behind a couch cushion or poking sharp metal objects in my ear, there are almost 100 comments on a post that isn’t even the recap.

I said it last week and I’ll say it again…the Bachelor is BACK!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
(Please read from last week, because I can’t cut and paste. I’m in an antiquated place that doesn’t have Internet access and webMAN is actually doing all the work this week. LOVE YOU WEBMAN!)

We begin this week’s episode at Jason’s house, watching Ty pack all of his tiny belongings in a Lightning McQueen suitcase. I was a little confused at first, assuming that Jason was helping Ty pick out the perfect ensemble to wear on their first group date. Little did I know that Jason has decided to let Ty go stay with his Mom. I’m guessing it was a legal matter. Ty’s Mom didn’t want him in a brothel for the next month perhaps? She feels that seeing boobs out by the pool is a bit too much for a three-year-old? Maybe she’s afraid he will mistake Megan’s super fun red alcoholic beverage for some tropical punch Kool-Aid. Or maybe the inevitable happened. Ty landed himself a gig of his own and he’s working to contribute to his college fund. You go Ty.

Meanwhile, Our Host Chris Harrison is looking all cute in a purple striped number and welcomes the girls to their mansion. They answer, “GOOD MORNING CHRIS” in unison which always makes me cringe. My own personal nails on the chalkboard. I’m just saying.

The intern helps Stephanie with her 15 suitcases of shoes and accessories, liquors the girls up with mimosas and herds them all downstairs to pow wow with Chris Harrison. The girls are so excited to be in their new house and can’t wait for the date boxes to arrive.

But wait. This season…we have a TWIST! Not all of them will be going on a date with Jason every week.

Bum, Bum, BUM! I have to admit…it’s a good twist.

Even though I can’t remember who Naomi was at this time, she thinks this idea sucks.

Boobs, Butts and Booze

Jason shows up out of the blue at the girls’ house to hang out by the pool. He is interested in seeing how they look and act when they are just being themselves.

Here’s what we learn:

• Kari was upset that she didn’t have makeup on. Fortunately, she was able to achieve optimum hair height on her poof. That was close!

• Jason pulls Megan aside and reassures her that even though she got the courtesy rose set aside for Bachelorettes who do not posses Bachelorette qualities according to other Bachelorettes, he wants her here. Even if she is wearing a weird terrycloth wrap up from 1980.

• Jillian asks Jason to come to the side of the pool so she can straddle him chicken fight style. She wants to show him her goofy side. Because the hot dog thing wasn’t goofy enough. Then they talk about ketchup and mustard while feeding each other fajitas…the perfect poolside snack.

• Shannon the stalker has ginormous boobs and is ready to have Jason as a hubby. She reveals this while rubbing suntan lotion on his back and shoulders. Afterwards, she tells him that all her girlfriends are married and currently pregnant at the moment. She feels left out and is ready to be a Mom.

• All the girls who didn’t shave their armpits that morning are inside because they are embarrassed. Luckily, they were able to hear the ABC intern ring the doorbell, signaling that there is a possible date box outside. To their surprise, it’s a ROSE and note for Jason held securely by a white poker chip. Classy.

• Armpit hair girls travel together (for solidarity reasons) and present the note/rose to Jason, interrupting Nikki’s speech on how some girls are not in this for the right reasons.

• The girl I always think looks like a stranger and Jason talk about charity work at Shannon the stalker throws ice at them on the balcony.

• Sweet Stephanie decides to take control and makes a couple of margaritas and saunters over to Jason, who is talking to Spray Tan Natalie. Instead of being mean and stealing him away, she stands there awkwardly. She finally tells Jason that she would like to talk when they are done, takes her walk of shame back to the cabana with the other girls and drinks both margaritas herself. Nikki thinks she should have been more aggressive.

• Jason gives the rose to Jillian and her hot dogs. Alas! Jillian has to get ready in like five minutes! Lauren, who was originally upset that she didn’t get a rose, is totally fine now. Because she would have had to wear her hair curly on the date and that would have freaked her out because she wouldn’t have had the time to Chi it properly. She’s now stoked that she didn’t get the rose. CLOSE CALL!

Solo Date One

Jillian the Hot Dog Girl

Dinner and Dancing at Disney Hall

Lord help me if the cast of Disney’s Aladdin sings “A Whole New World” on this date.

Jillian and Jason eat chocolate covered strawberries. FYI…those are sort of hard to eat. Very juicy. She needed a napkin, but didn’t have one. That can be awkward. But not when you are Jillian. This chick’s from Canada, yah? She can roll with it. She’s not sour-croat at all. (Read sauerkraut in Canadian accent.) She’s dated enough croats (Jillian word) and is ready to move on to some mustard.

And what better way to do that than a personal concert by the guy who serenades me in my dreams…Robin Thicke. My girl Jillian owns this once-in-a-lifetime moment, grabs Jason off the couch and starts getting down. And let me say that they were pretty good with Robin all up in their grill! I was impressed.

The tune changes to soft and mellow. The pair return to the couch and snuggle into each other while balancing their champagne flutes. Then Jason can’t help it. He leads her to the dance floor again while Rob plunks it out on the piano. Man that crooner is sexy! Jason says that Jillian is fun and easy to talk to. He says it’s the most intimate date he’s ever been on. (Beats that shark thing you did with DD, huh Jason?) Robin crescendos, kicks the piano stool away and gives Jason the perfect environment in which to plant the perfect kiss. And he follows through. Go Jason! Robin is stoked. So cute. Jason dips Jillian at the end. Nice. I’m a sucker for a dancer. You may have just upgraded from Melba toast my friend.

Solo Date Two

Melissa the Cheerleader

Magic Eight Ball Blimp

Just before Melissa heads upstairs to pack all of her belongings, she gets a detailed description of Jillian’s date, including the magical kiss they shared on the dance floor. Poor Melissa starts to get bummed out, but quickly lifts her own mood by giving herself spirit sprinkles in the bathroom mirror. She dresses in her favorite tank top and scarf and leaves the mansion for an awesome date.

We learn that Melissa is super nervous because she hasn’t been on a date in forever because she’s had the same boyfriend since she was 15. Her fellow cheerleaders encouraged her to try-out for the Bachelor because that is a sure fire way to beat the dating blues. Date on national TV!

Jason meets her by the seashore and forces her to chug down an oyster. He says you should just go fast and swallow it whole.

Because normal people in this world know that THAT is the only method in being able to stomach one of these slimy creatures. If I had been there, I would have told her to hold her nose for good measure. But that’s just me. It might be my opinion…but it’s the truth.

Melissa takes his advice, shoots the oyster tequila style and proceeds to choke, dab watery eyes and snot her way through a conversation about how she wants to be a first grade teacher. Jason feels bad because he had already stereotyped this chick the first night. He’s impressed that her future goals do not consist of liberties and two minutes dances to anything on the 1995 Jock Jams CD. This girl wants something more rewarding in her life besides being Miss October in the DCC calendar. Jason is happy to learn that she is passionate about kids and admits that she surprised him in every way possible.

Later, we find Jason and Melissa on a rock formation, watching the sun set and waves crash. Melissa notices that something strange in the distance is headed towards them.

It’s the Goodyear Blimp. And it’s has a digital sign that reads, “Hello Melissa!”

Oh this freaks our cheerleader out! Sure she’s seen this contraption floating over Texas Stadium every single home game, but this one knows her name!

Jason encourages Melissa to ask the blimp a question.

Melissa: “Will I get a rose tonight?”

Magic 8 Ball Blimp: “Too early to tell.”

Ouch. I’m going to go ahead and say that the ABC Psychotherapist is the wizard who is behind the emerald curtain in this scenario. You know Jason was sweating bullets when she asked that…mentally chanting, “Don’t commit to anything. Don’t commit to an answer. Keep it vague.” And did she deliver.

Sadly, the ABC Psychotherapist assumed that Melissa would freak out with this answer and we could have a little drama on the beach. Melissa admits that the answer stung, but follows up with another bold question.

Melissa: “Will I get a kiss tonight?”

Magic 8 Ball Blimp: “Signs point to yes.”

Lincee: “Am I going to throw up any time during the remainder of this date?”

Magic 8 Ball Blimp: “It is certain.”

Jason is stoked that the ABC Psychotherapist left the gate wide open for him to make out with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. This is definitely going in his scrapbook!

After the two unlatch from each other, Jason asks if she wants to go for a ride in the Magic 8 Ball Blimp. Melissa is speechless. But her mouth is open wide. (That was literally in my notes!)

Whilst in the Magic 8 Ball Blimp, Jason asks Melissa (in that robotic head phone voice) if she would accept the date rose while she affectionately twists his leg hair into tiny knots. As if on cue, they both lower their microphones on the headset and lean in for a passionate kiss.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that was a second take. I’m sure they totally leaned in, bumped microphones, created all sorts of feedback and laughed hysterically. The ABC cameraman was cool enough to give them another take because Melissa signed a calendar for “his son” and all was well.

After the date, Melissa reminds us that she is 25 (I see that as being a problem FYI) and it has been forever since she’s been on a date. We get it Mel. The last time you two stepped with a boy was the Pi Beta Phi Firedance at Baylor. Which wasn’t really at Baylor, because the Baptist school didn’t allow dancing on campus back then. And it didn’t count because your dress was a little too binding to really get down and do the Tootsie Roll. You’ve waited long enough. Your Magic 8 Ball date was perfect. Now go write a cheer about it in your diary.

Group Date

Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon, Mollie

Let’s put the glam into Hollywood glamour

Jason is pumped to take eight of the girls on a date. They start off in a dress shop where each girl is allowed to pick out an outfit…everything from accessories to shoes. Erica makes a beeline for the shiny fabric section. Nikki wonders if anything will fit her tiny waist and huge rack without having her beauty queen seamstress available to alter. Lauren sulks in a corner because Jason hasn’t noticed her in the last two minutes. Kari uses the lighted mirrors in the dressing room to pluck her eyebrows. Sharon feels giddy. Mollie plots her next move and Spray Tan Natalie tells Jason through teary eyes that it has been a dream of hers for a guy to take her to a shop and let her buy whatever she wanted. She hugs him with a death grip and thanks him for making her dreams come true.

Time to get a new dream there Natalie. How about this one? My dream is that Jason cease and desist from wearing graphic t-shirts with vests. It’s sad.

And what group date would be complete without the girls parading around in skimpy bikinis? Jason starts to feel the mood is getting too serious, so he suggested they all talk about their secret hidden talents.

Jason does the robot and some basic break dancing moves. Luckily, he doesn’t take himself too seriously and I am able to forgive him for making me hide behind my laptop screen as my Mom and sister laugh hysterically.

Kari, Molly and Sharon decide to do a synchronized swimming routine.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Molly decides that the synchronized swimming debacle may have hurt her chances for a rose. In order to capture Jason’s attention in a good way, she pulls him up to the comfy couch section (complete with furry animal blankets…thank you intern) and confides in Jason that she has an even better talent than what he’s just witnessed.

Jason: “What’s your talent?”

Lincee: “Oh vomit. I don’t even know what she’s going to say, but vomit.”

Molly: “I’m a good kisser.”

Lincee: “Of course you are.”

Molly: “Wanna see?”

Jason: “You are pretty talented.”

Lincee: “Magic 8 Ball Blimp. Will Molly drive me nuts the rest of the date?”

Magic 8 Ball: “You betcha!”

Back in the swimming pool, Spray Tan Natalie points and giggles, announcing that Molly and Jason are making out in the Lion’s Den. Nikki freaks out and requests that Spray Tan stop talking about other people’s private and intimate moments. She does not and will not tolerate this behavior.

Later we learn that Nikki has only kissed one person since she was 17. It was her ex-boyfriend of 11 years who clearly was not ready to get married. Miss Illinois has resorted to reality television as her next step into the dating world. She and Melissa must be drinking the same water.

Because Nikki is more mature than the rest, she will not resort to kissing Jason just to get ahead of the game. She will, however, lay horizontally with him in the furry animal blanket pit and throw other girls under the bus by confessing to Jason that there are some Bachelorettes who are NOT, I repeat NOT, ready to be Moms. Jason is THIS CLOSE to asking Nikki who these girls are, but decides to not let her sabotage. He hasn’t even kissed everyone yet!

Later, the girl who we never remember named Naomi decides to get real with Jason and tell him that she really cares about him. She wants them to be more than friends, but if anything—she is there for him.

This was her way of showing her true feelings, therefore, she assumes she will be rewarded with a kiss. Poor Jason translates the heart-to-heart as “I just wanna be friends” and goes in to hug her, turning his head at the last second. Naomi’s pursed lips meet his jaw line and awkwardness ensues.

There was an explosion of “NOOOOOOOOOO” from my family. I think my Dad even yelled, “DENIED!”

Jason feels awful that he misinterpreted the signs. He gives her a token kiss for her efforts.

I can now say with confidence that I will remember who Naomi is from now on.

As the night comes to an end, Jason bestows the date rose on Molly and everyone else rolls their eyes. He takes them all home, walks them to the door and heads back to his limo for some rest and relaxation.

Little did he know that Brazil had paid the ABC cameraman $20 to let her inside so she could wait for him. This isn’t the ABC cameraman’s first rodeo. He knows that the producers love drama. He takes the $20, gets a couple of shots of the intern opening the door to Brazil saying, “Hola!” and secretly celebrates the fact that he’s going to get either a raise or a bonus without even trying! The case is on him tonight intern! Whoo hoo! Brazil waits inside doing her best yoga breathing.

Jason meanders up to the Yukon, opens the door and is greeted by this stalker chick who ironically is not Shannon. She yells, “Surprise!” and Jason eyes the driver as if to say, “What the heck man?”

Brazil confronts him, questioning why he did not choose her to go on a date this week? She reminds him that she wants to stay and that her intuition tells her that Jason is her husband. Jason politely thanks her, bids her adios and shoves her out of the back passenger side door.

Rose Ceremony

Jason pulls Erica aside and asks her why her attitude changed after the shopping pool party. Erica admits that she was disappointed she didn’t get a rose. Jason admires her for telling the truth.

Wow. I expect people to tell the truth. Interesting.

Lauren, in her favorite Carmen Miranda dress, confesses that she isn’t totally comfortable with this whole Bachelor thing and wonders why it isn’t more of a two-way street.

Hi Lauren? It’s Lincee. Are you aware that you are on a show called The Bachelor? The commercials talk about how 25 women compete for the love of one man. Did you not get that memo? Look alive girl.

Jason says that he needs to pay more attention to Lauren. Lincee says that Jason digs her or she would be gone by now after that comment.

Hey look! It’s Nikki! Guess what she’s talking about? How these girls don’t know what it will take to uproot their lives and start over with an insta-family.

Jason makes his way over to Shannon…who immediately asks him, “Do you remember my name?” Jason laughs uncomfortably and mumbles, “Shannon” and sits in astonishment as she plays the begat game.

“You remembered my name! You are so smart. And so cute! OK. Let’s play a game about how well I know you. Ty’s birthday is January 24. You have a mole on your right butt cheek that is in the shape of a cloud. I think you should get that checked out by the way even though YOU ARE SO CUTE! I know that your Mom was a drum major in the high school band and you have a tendency to only eat Tic Tacs in odd numbers. Which is ADORABLE! Your license plate is VQD 179 and you hate the Mariners even though you are a die hard Seattle fan. The playlist entitled “Get Er Done” on your iPod is super kinky and I want you to know that I have a similar one on mine titled “Jason’s Love Tunes” that I listen to while taking bubble baths and reading Bride magazine. You are adorable. And I’m super pumped that I’m going to get a rose in a dress that pairs my two favorite colors from eight grade…purple and fuchsia. Your teeth are hot.”

Meanwhile, Courtesy Rose Megan asks Stephanie what happened with her previous marriage. Stephanie proceeds to give a ladylike answer to a very hard question and the girls bawl like babies. Stephanie consoles them all like the mother hen she is and tells them that she is not there to talk about how wonderful her husband was. She is in this to talk about how great Jason is. Later she thanks give for being a truly awesome guy. She confesses that she’s nervous, but that’s where her faith comes through. And we all cry again.

Jason has some alone time with random girl Lisa who discloses that her grandmother is really ill and it’s best is she leaves the show to be with her family. Jason thinks this is very admirable and escorts Lisa to the other girls so they can see first hand what it means to truly love your family. The girls hap heartedly wave their goodbyes and then proceed to tell the camera that they are all happy she is gone. Lauren hoists up her Carmen Miranda dress so that her strapless bra is no longer showing and flat out admits that she doesn’t care that random girl is gone.

Megan finally scores some alone time with the Bachelor and talked about how stressful her day typically is between her kid, soccer and lacrosse. Just when she’s about to get into an intimate conversation, Molly the talented kisser steals Jason away.

This does not sit well with Megan. And I have to say, I can’t blame her. Molly already has a rose. I personally get a bad vibe from Molly.

Megan voices her irritation with the girls. Erica agrees and tells the group that if she had a rose, she wouldn’t take Jason away. That’s just good character.

Cut to Molly and Erica in the kitchen and Erica telling Molly that she supports her. She just did what she had to do and no one is judging.

No one except Molly who walks up to home girl and calls her out. Little did Erica know that Megan was reapplying her eyeliner around the corner from Molly and Erica’s little conversation. They return to the group of girls in the den and get in a very girly drama queen argument about who said what. Very Desperate Future Housewives of them. Erica talks about bad karma and how she’s disappointed in Megan. I personally can’t believe we are still talking about this. I need some of Megan’s tropical punch delight to even make it through the rose ceremony!

Nikki is taking advantage of this time while the others are fighting to ask Jason a very important question:

Nikki: “Do you feel that you have the potential to find a wife here?”

Jason: “Yeppers.”

Nikki: “I want you to know that not everyone is here for the right reasons.”

Lincee: “Seriously? Does she have anything else to contribute?”

Back in the old Pier One bureau room, Our Host Chris Harrison asks Jason about a few of the girls that stood out to him that night.

OHCH: “So how do you like Stephanie? She’s given up a lot to be here.”

Jason: “So sad that she’s going to miss her daughter’s birthday next week. Can you get on that for me Chris? Maybe fly her down here so they can be together? I’d like to make that happen since I’ll be letting her go soon.”

OHCH: “No problem J. I’ll use my miles.

Tonight is tougher. I have to let two women go. On to Lauren. Dude. What was up with her? Needy much? Or just freaked out?

Jason: “Lauren is hot. And used to being the center of attention. I can see why. She let me know that she needs to be noticed. So I will be doing that a lot more in the future. It helps if she isn’t wearing a dress with such bright colors that I have to wear my sunglasses to have a conversation, but that’s fine. She has a nice rack and I appreciate that.”

OHCH: “Good point. Now what about Nikki? Is it driving you nuts that she keeps telling you about who is not in this for the right reasons? Because I am about to pull my hair out. And I know that super cool blogger Lincee is too. What are your thoughts?

Jason: “We have a ton in common. She’s easy to talk to and really cares about things ending up right for me. I trust her.”

OHCH: “I guess I can see that. But dude. Shannon. Total stalker. I’m telling you to run…run the opposite direction right now.”

**Our Host Chris Harrison is hit with a tazered by producers and forced to retract his previous statement.**

OHCH: “If you let me finish my sentence, I was going to say to run…run in the opposite direction to a jewelry store and get that girl a ring. This is good TV my friend!”

Jason: “She’s funny and seems to know a lot about me. That’s flattering. It’s cool to have someone who is a fan.”

OHCH: “I’ll tell you who is a fan. And her name is Brazil.”

Jason: “No joke Chris! That chick attacks me in the limo. What was that about? I get that she wants to be noticed, but get a life Brazil. I DID NOT PICK YOU. TAKE THE HINT.”

OHCH: “She took it alright. I wouldn’t be making any trips to South America in the near future. What about Megan? Are you aware of all the drama that surrounds that girl?”

Jason: “When you are that pretty, it happens.”

Jason finally narrows it down and makes a decision to give roses to the following:

Megan (This is a statement that he announced her first.)

Nikki

Lauren

Naomi

Stephanie

Kari

Natalie

Shannon (Again says YES before he asks her to accept rose.)

Erica (Grabs Jason’s hand to feel her boob/heartbeat.)

Poor Sharon. She needs a job. And to put on about 20 pounds. Poor girl.

And Brazil is so confused. She probably wonders why she and Jason never sang “You’re So Vain” together. Or maybe she wonders why no one offered for her to “frost” herself with a ginormous yellow diamond. Truly this is what she thought the night had in store for her when she wore the exact same dress Kate Hudson wore in “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”

Bless both their hearts.

Next week, Stephanie gets a surprise and head concussion when she literally runs in to her daughter Sophia. Fun times!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee