Thanks so much for your patience with this post. I’ve been all around East Texas visiting rigs today. In the rain. How I do love my job! It’s a good thing I had my pink hard hat to protect me from the humidity.
OK. Let’s get one thing straight. I’m assuming there is a box to check on the Bachelor application that said something along the lines of: “Check YES if you are willing to be an exhibitionist if you make the Top 20.” And I’m assuming the boys who did not circle yes were turned down so that we were left with a good crop of crazy. Because the crazy cup runneth over this season.
And it is glorious. And it is why I love writing this silly little recap!
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin the episode with Our Host Chris Harrison meeting our dashing Bachelors in front of the mansion, only to turn them away to schlep their bags down to the bunk house out back. We saw this with DDAHnna’s season. The boys are forced to rough it in bunk beds and an outdoor shower. But of course, the exhibitionists don’t really care. They will drop trou pretty much anywhere.
Again…livin’ la vida loca. That’s why we love this batch!
Hare summons the group to the billiard room. These boys are chill and down-to-earth. Our Host’s stylist matches him with their Caribbean stress-free attire. They all look cute. As if they are about to attend a Buffet concert or something. He informs the dudes that there will be two group dates and a one-on-one date. However, not EVERYONE will go on a date. SNAP!
Our Host pulls the first date card from his cargo pants back pocket and reveals the lucky eight who get to experience the first group date.
Group Date One
The Amazing Race to Find Random Rose Paraphernalia Around LA
Michael
Brian
Brad
Sasha
Tanner P.
Wes
Ed
Math-Hew
We find Jillian hanging out in her mix-matched bikini by the pool telling the camera that she is a normal girl-next-door who isn’t blonde and is less than endowed in the boob department. She only has fun and personality to contribute to the relationship. She takes a sip of her mimosa and gives a thumbs up to the Gary the camera guy as he squeezes in on a shot of the rose resting on the silver ashtray.
The boys show up and all talk about how hot Jill is laying by the pool. Michael the Break Dancer takes immediate action and talks Jillian into giving him a tour of the mansion. Once he discovers that the balcony upstairs overlooks the pool area where the other boys are lounging, he takes great pride in yelling over the edge that he will tell them about Jillian’s bedroom later that night after he’s done making out with her. Then he laughs and gets back to flirting with his gal pal, telling her that she smells unbelievable. Jill admits that she finds this sexy and manly.
Moments later, she gets up and tells him that she will be right back. The camera follows her as she gathers the ashtray rose and disappears around the corner. The remaining dudes are in awe that Michael…little dorky Michael…has won the coveted rose in less than 10 minutes upon their arrival at the mansion. Someone inquires from off camera, “Where is she going to pin that thing?”
Math-Hew flexes his pec muscles and dissolves into a fit of giggles.
This is why we love Math-Hew. Call me sweetheart. I’ll find you someone who REALLY appreciates and gets your humor.
About five seconds later, Michael hangs his head over the edge, wondering if Jillian has left him in the lurch. The others wonder if she’s given him the rose yet. Michael, thoroughly confused at this point, bounds downstairs to figure what has gone on between smelling Jillian and being stood up?
The ABC camera crew is now following Jillian down the driveway into a waiting black car. She’s still wearing her mix-matched bikini and has added a fedora to the unique ensemble. I’m unsure why she didn’t put on pants, but that’s her prerogative. She gets in the passenger seat and the car zips off the property.
Enter Our Host Chris Harrison.
OHCH: “Guys! I see there is a little confusion. We like to do that around here. I wrote into my contract this year that we needed to mix it up or I would literally die on camera of boredom and predictability. Here’s the sitch…Jillian took off! And she has the rose. It’s time to race. RACE FOR HER HEART! You have to find her and follow clues in order WIN HER HEART FOREVER. Unfortunately, only one team can win. Good luck in your quest to CAPTURE HER HEART!”
The guys run out to the driveway and find four different colored cars. Each has a bucket of keys with a single lock box…the location of their first clue is inside. Keys are flying everywhere. Tempers get out of control. The boys decide to forgo the rules and break the box open. Within minutes, all four cars are leaving the premise. Foot Fetish Tanner and Break Dancer Michael turn right when everyone else turns left. They are super excited for some reason.
Here’s what we learned about our boys through forced teamwork:
· A good five minutes into the race, after all teams are dumbfounded that they haven’t found the rose “flag” in LA, Ed and Brian discover that there is a map in the car that they should follow. Clearly, they are not just pretty faces.
· Wes admits that he and Brad are like oil and water. I’m going to bet that Brad is not the first person to not mix well with Wes. I’m just throwing that out there…
· Michael admitted that he pee’d his pants when Jillian called the cell phone.
· Math-Hew wore his cowboy boots with his swim trunks. I heart him.
Jillian is at a jewelry store, still wearing her bikini and fedora, telling the owner that she wants to pick out four necklaces. Each team will choose a necklace and the winners will present her with one to wear at dinner. Random…but whatever.
Michael and Fetish are super pumped that they are in the lead. They are the first to find the rose flag hanging from a restaurant establishment. They put on tuxedoes and start roaming around looking for the next clue.
On a side note, I like to think that the ABC intern took up embroidery during our two month hiatus. It took a while to sew all those flags, but he managed. I’m not going to suggest he takes grammar lessons next time. Maybe the public humiliation he received for not knowing the difference between “you’re” and “your” in the clue cards is punishment enough.
Brian and Ed discover the mis-spelled clue hanging on the incoming order strip of the restaurant. Each are wearing sunglasses. (Boy would I like to have heard the conversation that led to that decision!) We find out that they are supposed to go outside and a friend will be waiting. His name is Neil.
Wes and Brad are the third team to arrive at the jewelry store. Apparently there is only one good necklace left and Brad wants to give Jilly the butt ugly one. Wes insists they “paper/rock/scissors” to see who gets to pick. Wes loses and complains the entire way to their next destination.
Which happens to be a bank vault. Jillian has been locked in an old timey bank vault.
Now before you judge, there’s nothing wrong with bank vaults. In fact, they are one of the few places that I feel really comfortable. I’m sure it has everything to do with the fact that I have an immense fear of tornadoes and the one time I’ve truly felt safe and free from anxiety was the summer I worked at Hallsville First State as an auto-bank teller. The minute the barometric pressure dropped and the sky turned any sort of green color, I would high tail it to the vault and make sure that there was a VERY IMPORTANT reason to count the money. I could live very comfortably in there on a bed made of $10s and $20s.
Anyway…
The funny catch is that Jillian needs to be in a bank vault because she will be wearing a million dollars worth of jewelry around her neck. But alas! Only one person gets to have dinner with her and her million dollar neck in the vault.
Awkward!
Low and behold, Brad and Wes are the first team to arrive. Brad carried the team the entire day, except when Wes discovered that an inscription on the back of a stop watch (where did they get that?) was actually an address for the next rose. And this happened to be decoupage inset in the sidewalk in front of the bank building. Nice going ABC intern! How long did THAT take?
Brad reveals the fancy necklace to Jillian and Wes is quick to point out that Brad picked out the monstrosity. Jillian is happy to have diamonds around her neck and thanks both boys, hoists up her sleeveless dress before swallowing hard and saying that she hates the next part. She tells Wes that she would like to have dinner with him and then asks Brad if that is okay.
Unfortunately, Brad didn’t say, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?” and opts for a gentlemanly smile, little bourbon and Coke and a gripe out session to the camera at the teller station. He’s trying to tell the difference between counterfeit and legit currency when the other teams enter and all bash Wes because he’s clearly not here for the right reasons.
I love how ABC decided to save a few bucks and go with the tuxedoes that are from the 80s. Doesn’t it add a nice touch that their colored cummerbunds and bow ties matched the color of their team cars? And the fact that they are all wearing their swimsuits underneath makes the images that much more delightful.
Back in the vault, Jillian admits that Wes’ honky tonk singing ways make her hot. She admits that he has everything, which on the other hand makes her reserved. She asks him about his past relationships after she hoists up her sleeveless dress and he says that he’s had three girlfriends. Then he drinks out of his stir straw, which I find a little feminine. Jillian gets a case of the nerves and tells the camera that she’s not sure if she is his type and she feels that she needs to protect herself.
Back at the teller’s counter, the boys discover the security camera system. They can see everything that’s going on inside the vault unbeknownst to Wes and Jilly.
Wes: “I didn’t just drive around two and a half hours with a yahoo chach for you to not keep me around. Remember…I have a song to finish for you.”
Jilly: “You say things other people would hold back for months. I love it. That’s why I’m so attracted to you.”
Then they start making out. The boys yell at the camera as Jillian gets up, hoists up her sleeveless dress and pins a rose on his lapel. Off camera we hear, “He’s been ROSED!”
Oh how I wish I knew who said that!
Jillian reminds Wes that he gets to spend the night in the mansion with her. Then she looks at the camera and says, “In your own bed of course.” He responds with another kiss and they bang for someone to let them out of the vault. Since they are sound-proof, no one heard. Luckily, the ABC psychotherapist was watching on the surveillance camera and was able to have the branch manager punch in the security code that unlocked the door.
Wes tells the camera that this scenario is about him and he is not here to make friends. Jillian smiles, oblivious to the fact that Wes is playing her like an old guitar, because she is too busy pulling up her sleeveless dress to notice.
One-On-One Date
Heel, Toe, Dosey Doe
Jake
Jake is beside himself because he is so excited he scored the first one-on-one date. He packs his bags and dresses in what looks like something an accountant would wear, even though he is an airline pilot. Clean, pressed polo shirt – CHECK! Clean, pressed Dockers with a hard crisp line down the front – CHECK! Loafers with shiny new penny – CHECK! Matching brown leather belt – CHECK!
Jillian has on a black fringe dress that would be perfect for something on Dancing with the Stars. She completes the ensemble with a pair of knee-high red leather boots and some crazy silver costume jewelry perched right above the left boob. We later find out that these are the wings Jake gave her when they first met. I thought that was a cute gesture. The boys go crazy whistling as she picks up Jake. I become a little embarrassed for him that he’s dressed like my eight grade Texas History teacher, but oh well. He seems to be fine with it all.
Jillian admits to the camera that Jake seems a bit conservative (really?) and that she is looking for that X factor…that spunk. She feels she can pull that out of him by taking Jake on a perfect Jillian date.
The first stop? A trendy western clothing store. It sort of made me sad that she didn’t take him to a real western store. He needed a good pair of Wranglers and a simple starch white shirt with a straw hat. Instead he had fancy jeans and a shirt that resembled something out of the Alamo scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.
However…all was forgiven when he decided to change shirts without returning to the dressing room and we got to see his nice, muscular chest. Of course, a few cool points he just landed were knocked away when he did some weird hip forward pelvic thrust so Jillian could buckle his fancy non-Cowboy belt. It sounds like it could have been sexy, but trust me…it was forced. Which, as we all know, negates the sexy.
After he has been geared up for the night, they hit the House of Blues and shoot some whiskey. Jillian then gets on the bar to recreate her favorite scene from Coyote Ugly. Jake is below and swears to the camera that he didn’t peek up her fringe. Because he is so cute, I am forced to believe him.
He also confesses to the camera that it is very important that he gets to know this girl because she could quite possibly be his soul mate.
This is when my crazy vibe started tingling a little bit.
But then he started two stepping with her and it went away.
And that was followed by him saying that Jillian was a spark that turned into a flame that turned into love that could be marriage. (There’s that crazy vibe again.)
Jake tells her at dinner that he started flying at the age of 12 and by 16, he had already flown his first solo. Jillian is impressed. Laying it on thick, Jake decides to play the “what if” game and asks Jillian what would happen if she went to work and found a note on her desk that said she would be in Belgium the next morning eating waffles. Would she like that?
Jillian squeals with delight and he interrupts her next question with one of his own: Why are you here?
Jillian gives her canned speech that she is here to find her soul mate and best friend.
Jake thinks to himself, “Shut. Up. So am I!”
As Jillian blabs on about how this is a great adventure, Jake lurches forward with a sudden force and plants a kiss on Jillian in mid-sentence.
Let’s pause here.
One of the best kisses of my kissing career is when a certain young man walked into my kitchen as I was babbling on about a biology exam or plans I had for later that night. He strolled right up to me never saying a word, very calm, looked me in the eye, smiled and laid one on me with compassionate force that lasted about five minutes.
And it was good. I implore the guys reading right now to try it out on your lady. Trust me. (Let me catch my breath from that memory…whoo!)
I think Jake’s intensions were great. I think the jolt forward was a bit much. Had he just started leaning in and made it gradual, it would have been swoon worthy for the audience. Instead, we were left with a bit of a distraction and didn’t have the payoff like Jillian had on her end.
Jake wants to know if Jillian is spontaneous. Finding out that she and her whole family can go on camping trips within a moments notice sends him over the edge. Then the bar begins to move and a stage is revealed. SO SPONTANEOUSLY!
Martina McBride marches to the microphone and begins singing a hit from her newly released album that just hit number one on the country Billboard charts. Jillian said that she and Jake were both ready to faint! Jake said that Jillian’s happiness almost moved him to tears!
My. He’s…eager…isn’t he? (Crazy tingle returns.)
They two step around the dance floor and he kisses her hand. (Tingle leaves.)
Group Date Two
“Get Your Head in the Game”
Jesse
Mark
David
Mike
Simon
Kip
Juan
Jillian tells the camera that she’s planned this whole day for the guys. She said that she needs a manly man and the best way to figure out who can hold their own is to make them compete. Bring on the studs!
Cut to Juan asking the group, “Is it too early for a poem?”
Oh Juan.
Fetish tells the camera that Juan is lacking in the testosterone department and might be better suited for badminton.
Kiptonite reveals that they are going to Venice beach to play some basketball. It is at this point that I notice how tiny Jillian is compared to these boys. She looks almost child-like. Not a look she’s going for I’m sure, but I can’t really tell when she’s sporting a hoodie and casual neck scarf with her fire engine red Sophie shorts.
Jillian clowns around with the boys by jumping on their backs, etc. Juan decides to be cool and hoists Jill up as if she’s a rag doll, realizes he has no upper body strength and lays her down on the court, fully claiming that it was as gentle as a butterfly.
Afraid for her life that Juan is going to try and pick her up again, Jillian decides that it’s time to get down to business with the REAL game. She jogs up and over a hill and returns with a group of very tall men. The two groups face off on the court and the Amazon men (and Jill) strip to reveal Harlem Globetrotter jerseys.
Off camera we hear, “OK. Someone get on my shoulders.”
Classic!
Pretty soon, a crowd gathers and the Bachelors have made a goal to score just one basket. Of course, zany mishaps happen everywhere and one Trotter gracefully hoists Jilly up to the basketball goal and leaves her there to hang.
Still hanging.
Hello?
Anyone want to help her down?
Ironically, Juan is the one who redeems himself and runs forward to rescue Jill from her pending doom. She thinks he is the bomb dot com for doing this simple task.
The Trots gather in a group and decide that the most manly of the Bachelors is David and he deserves to be named WINNER of the day. He doesn’t get a rose or one-on-one time. He scores a jersey. Being a boy, David is pretty pleased with himself. Wait…being DAVID, David is pretty pleased with himself.
After a long game of wacky basketball, the group decides to go out on the beach. This is fun for Jillian, because she’s not used to the ocean. It’s clear because she spots a local wearing a Speedo and tells him that she can see all his assets. No one laughed because no one got her joke. To cover up, she said that if someone went and asked Speedo Guy for his Speedo and wore it, she would think that is wicked cool.
And bless his heart if Mike didn’t do just that. Granted, Mike is an XL and I’m pretty sure the borrowed Speedo (I just threw up a little in my mouth) was a medium. But he squeezed his junk in and sprinted down the beach into the crashing waves. Jillian said that it was the wicked coolest thing she’s ever seen.
We find the group at a hotel taking shots on the roof. Juan pours his out and David has a conniption. WE DO NOT WASTE ALCOHOL YOU FOOL! Clearly he should be tied to a tree and beat up.
Juan whisks Jilly away to tell her how beautifully green her eyes were on the beach and that they remind him of, how they say in Argentina, arbol verde. Then he kisses her. Jillian thinks he is her protector. She likes how he takes control and is a gentleman.
Jillian wanders back to the group and asks to speak to Kiptonite. We haven’t heard much from him, but I foresee this guy as the dark horse. They talk about broken hearts and how he’s never had one. A red flag for Jillian maybe? Is he the one doing the breaking? Should she be careful?
Jillian: “I don’t really care because all I really want to do is make out with him.”
Fair enough Jilly. Fair enough.
Back in the circle of love, Jillian tells all the guys that they were killer today and she loved that Mike was wicked spontaneous. She gives him the rose. Maybe next week she will dare him to cut his hair. We can only hope!
Rose Ceremony
Mike and Wes are hanging out with their roses in the mansion talking about why they are on this reality show. Wes admits that he is not here for the guys and that he is getting a good vibe from Jilly. It’s no time to pump the brakes. He’s planning on hitting the gas.
Nice metaphor.
The other boys come in and awkwardly each give Jillian a hug. Fetish somehow gets Jillian to prop her feet in his lap even though she is visibly reluctant to do so. He practically licks her toes and finally confesses that he has a thing for feet. Jillian admits this is somewhat weird, but living in Canada, she’s seen worse.
In his alone time with Jillian, Jesse said that he was on a plane to Italy to learn about the old school wine business when he learned that she would be the next Bachelorette. He tells her that Italy is temporary, but she could be long-term and he wants to stick around and get to know her better. Jillian forgot that he was a wine maker and figures that could be fun for a few more weeks and mentally agrees to give him a rose later on.
Back at the bar, the resident bartender ROBBY D is whipping up his version of a Cosmopolitan. He pretends to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail and then tosses a cherry in the air and catches it on a toothpick in his mouth as the boys yell ROBBY D!!!!!!
That is talent people. And you can tell the boys love him.
He makes his way over to Jillian and gives her the Robmopolitaion with a sheepish grin. Just as he is about to dive in, Wes interrupts and takes Jillian away.
This is when Jillian needed to tell Wes that she would catch up with him later. But she didn’t. The guys are ticked that ROBBY D didn’t get any one-on-one time and evil Wes, who has lived with Jillian for three days, is the guy who stole her away.
For the first time, the man known as “Reid” speaks and tells the camera that Wes is there strictly to promote his music career.
All of the sudden, Our Host Chris Harrison comes in and clangs his gin and tonic glass (champagne flute is too girly) and tells the group that he has a little surprise. The boys will have to vote on who is going to be sent home!
I’ll have to admit that my first thought was that he was using weird word trickeration and that the rest of that sentence was, “be sent home with JILLIAN!” But alas. I was wrong.
Hare gives one rule: anyone who has received a rose is ineligible. If Wes wasn’t so full of himself, I’m pretty sure he would have breathed a huge sigh of relief. But he was too busy writing lyrics on a napkin in the back to pay attention.
Sweet Michael the Break Dancer can’t decide what name to put on his list. Everyone else is pretty much voting for David or Juan.
Juan is a bit nervous because he’s assuming his lyrical reading of “Jellicle Cats” during breakfast didn’t win him any man votes and he’s afraid the group is going to vote him off the island. He decides to tell Jilly that he really wants to stay and reminds her that he saved her from near death on the basketball court for safe measure.
David thinks that Juan is breaking man code and is pouring sugar in his gas tank. I don’t know what that means either but at least he’s moved on from tying him to a tree and beating him senseless.
Brian, on the other hand, has decided on a different tactic. He started by wearing glasses, because chicks dig dudes in specs. When Jillian gave him her drink order because she thought he was a waiter, he decided on something a little more drastic. He knew that Mike received a rose for putting on another man’s fatigues (throw up) on the beach. So why not go commando?
Brian calls everyone over to the swimming pool and makes a production out of stripping one article of clothing at a time. The boys start chanting and clapping along. Brian thinks this is encouragement.
It’s the negative kind Brian. This was not in good fun. They are counting on you to make a complete fool of yourself. And let me tell you. You succeeded my shriveled friend. Congratulations.
The specs are hurled off into the bushes. The tie comes off. The shirt is next. The belt is swung around his head and the trousers follow soon behind. We are left with some plain looking boxers and then those are jerked down too. He makes a mad dash for the pool and says something about a hump-back whale as he flashes his tush to the crowd gathered around.
We are laughing AT you Brian. Not with you.
Jillian is shocked beyond all believe and refuses…straight up DENIES the boy who just streaked in the quad…a kiss. BURN BRIAN. BURN!
The ABC intern fetches a beach towel for Brian as Hare collects himself enough to tell the guys who is going to be voted off and sent home.
In third place…Julian. Michael looks around sheepishly.
In second place…David. Oh…heads are going to ROLL tonight.
And the one going home is JUAN!
Almost immediately, Hare tells Jill she can save Juan with a rose and Jillian doesn’t even think. She pins the rose on her knight in shining armor and gives dirty looks to the rest of the boys before she goes to deliberate at the Pier One bureau of framed pictures.
When she returns, she tells the boys that she is the luckiest Bachelorette in Bachelorette history because she has the coolest, most wickedest Bachelors ever.
New roses go to:
Jesse: wine maker
David: the bully
Ed: the cutie
Sasha: the one I don’t have an opinion on yet
Mark: the one I don’t know who this is
Michael: the break dancer
Fetish
Kiptonite: the one who will surprise us
Reid: the one who is growing on me
Robby D!!!!!!
Tanner F: the one with the tangerine shirt (Seriously? Who is this?)
Brad: the one that should have been Math-Hew
Math-Hew…contact me and I’ll pimp you out next. We’ll put some whiteout on your hat and it will be as good as new my friend.
Next week looks interesting. We finally get to see the Old West scene and Wes breaks out his guitar to serenade Jillian on the balcony.
I can’t wait!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Now there’s a sentence I never expected to write on my website.