No. The gay pirate pants were not at the Offshore Technology Conference (OTC) I’ve been attending all week. Even though I’ve witnessed a Scottish guy sans bagpipes, two Canadian Mounties and a couple of Hooters girls handing out condoms at their booth (no lie), I am referring to one Adam Lambert.
Gay. Pirate. Pants.
OTC is something I typically prepare for at the beginning of February. I’ve been so excited to see this week come (and eventually end), but I’ve been super busy with my fake smile and pretending to actually know the inner working of a subsea tree, that my website posts sometimes take a back seat.
Enter my friend Kyle Cordell. He stepped up to the plate last week and hit a home run by agreeing to recap another one of my favorite reality shows. Because we had so many hits and such great comments, I asked him to blog the show again.
Since I will be OTC-free next week (and since our writing style is so similar) we are going to do something I’ve never done before next Tuesday. We are going to live blog the show! We will comment on whatever pops into our head and then post during the commercials. I’m laughing just thinking about it now, so I hope you guys come back for some more next week!
Then, of course, it will be back to your regularly scheduled program of Jillian and her 30 beefcakes. Are there enough hot dogs in the mansion? Let’s hope the ABC intern is prepared. I’m all aboot the Bachelorette!
And now I give you Kyle—Guest Blogger Extortionate: American Idol ROCKER WEEK
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Typical Tuesday night: home from a baseball game, cook me a couple of hot dogs (did I ever mentions I LOVE hot dogs? But that is a whole other story. Seriously. I can write a lot about my love for them.) and sit down to watch Idol on my DVR. I hit play and hear the sultry voice of Seacrest.
{Sidebar – Totally love me some Seacrest. When I started watching the show a few years back I could not stand him—at all. He was annoying to me, but now I love him. He makes the show run. I admit I was dumb not to like him. It’s like when your mom says, “Kyle, you have to try carrots. I know they look bad and smell funny, but I promise you will like them.” I gave him a try and he grew on me.}
{Sidebar from Lincee – This is clearly not true of green beans. They will NEVER grow on you. They will always smell and taste funny. It might be my opinion, but it’s true.}
So I hear Ryan’s voice and see Adam in the bottom three. Is there a more bittersweet scene than that? Because seeing him in the bottom three makes my heart skip a beat and I become flushed. And then I realize that he makes it. So I become mad…real mad. And I have to pause it, compose myself, realize he is not going anywhere and then push play.
I liked how Ryan showed us the broken stage. Was anyone else thinking, “Wait! Is Kris OK? He is OK? Great! Why are we still talking about the broken stage? Bring em out.”
The show starts off with Slash. Yeah, read that again. I said Slash. Yes, yes the Slash that was in Guns N Roses who has never said a word and I do not think I have ever seen his face. I was a bit nervous, but then something magical happened. He talked. He actually TALKED. And you want to know the crazier thing? It was normal. I got real excited at that point. I turned to my roommate and said, “I am actually excited about this show now.” So he did not really add a whole lot of critique for the idolettes, but he also didn’t suck.
I did not agree with the judges at all. I feel they were way off this week. As my cousin said, “I think all the judges dipped into Paula’s pills.”
ADAM
Two things I noticed right when he walked out:
1. When did Cher become a contestant on the show?
2. Do you think Kara spied on Adam this week, found out what he was wearing, than went to the clothes people and said, “Can you give me the girl’s version of what Adam is wearing? Only to be faced with the answer of: “Well, actually ma’am…those are girl clothes.”
I knew Adam would belt it out. This is smack dab in the middle of his wheelhouse. And hear this Lamber-holics…I actually told myself I was going to give him a chance. He starts and that chance is over. I do not get it. I just don’t get it. He is like a mythological Siren who sings and screeches, pulls people towards them and makes their lives a wreck. Yes he can sing, but you know what? So can the lead singer from Nickelback (kind of). It doesn’t mean that they should keep making CDs.
If you still have his performance on your DVR, go back to the start of it, close your eyes and guess who he sounds like. If you said Stevie Nicks, you are correct. And I will tell you this…it is not good for a guy to sound like that. She is incredible and guys should not sound like that. His performance is filled with the usual yelling, making love to the camera and theatrics.
However, I did find something worse for me than Adam singing. Adam singing with no music.
I know that is all hateful, so I will end with this: HE HAS HIS OWN HAIR GUY.
ALISON
She sings some Janis Joplin and I really liked it. I thought it was a lot better than the credit she got. Like I said last week, the problem with her is she peaked with her first performance. She has an incredible voice but she is so young. Man, in a few years with some training and more experience, she is going to be outstanding. She should be on the show no doubt, but I think she needs a little bit of diversity so we can she what she can do. I felt for the others after Adam sang when Simon said that the rest of the performances could not match his. Still don’t understand that, and I promise you I have tried.
DANNY
I know Kris was next, but 10 times out of 10 I am going to save him for last. I am biased, I admit that.
I did not hate Danny’s song. I have always liked his voice. Love the raspyness of it and think he has talent. This was going to be a tough week for him, because this is the opposite of his wheelhouse. But it was okay. As I am watching him, I am waiting for the end when he is supposed to belt out DREAM ON. And I don’t know about you, but it seemed like he was so nervous to hit that note. I kept thinking, “OK! Here it comes!” And then it didn’t. “Wait! He’s going to say DREAM ON one more time. Here it comes!” And then it wasn’t it again. After 45 normal DREAM ON’s, he couldn’t really hit it at the end.
And I can not pass over Kara. Did anyone notice this phrase?
“You shouldn’t have done ‘Dream On.’ You should have done some of Aerosmith’s earlier stuff, like ‘Cryin’ or ‘Crazy.’”
Hold on a second. “Dream On” came almost 20 years before those other two. And me, like any normal, red-blooded guy that grew up in the nineties, knows this. Not really because of the song, but because of one Alicia Silverstone. (I would normally go on a trail here, but I won’t. And I won’t because I do not want to take away from how wrong Kara was. And anyone that knows me I love to point out when people are wrong.)
KRIS
Everyone who knows I love Kris raise your hand. If you are questioning whether I do or not, check the signed picture I got off of iTunes, read the last post, or take a gander at the songs that have been playing the last two months on my iPod. With that being said, I think he is going home. Did I just go against everything I believe? Yes. But I really do feel that the judges are sabotaging him. I loved his performance, and you can probably tell that from how many times I voted for him. All I am going to say is I stopped counting at 75. As hard as it is for me to say that he may be going home, I came to grips with it tonight. I think he is going to have the best career out of the four left…or any of the idols this season. He is so talented and can do so many things. (See “She works hard for the Money”. He made that a cool song that would put John Mayer to shame. Listen to the original by Donna Summer. He makes it so much better.) I do not want him to get stuck in the idol trap (that was Lincee’s phrase) like most of the winners. And if Adam wins I want him to have songs like “My Life Would Suck Without You” and “I Do Not Hook Up.” Then we will all know that he has no talent other than singing.
Well that was a whole lot of talking there. And if you are still reading give yourselves a huge pat on the back and thank you so much. The duets were something different, but kind of weird because you couldn’t really vote on them. I will stop here because I know I have taken WAY too much of your time.
I’m going to go figure out where can I get me some of those pants they had Adam squeezed into at the end of the show.
