This recap is brought to you by: The Little Blue Pill
I’d like to start this recap with a salute to sweet, little Pocket Person Jillian. Can we all clasp our hands together, shake our heads from side-to-side and utter a unified “bless her heart” for this poor dear?
Actually, dear doesn’t really describe what’s going on with Jilly right now. She’s more of a hot mess. I don’t think she signed up for babysitting, CD pimping, job choosing, erectile dysfunctioning Bachelors, but that’s what she got.
And even though I stand by my earlier statement that two hours is about an hour and a half too long for this show we all love to hate, we do embrace the 30 minutes of jaw dropping, face covering, TV shouting craziness.
Am I right?
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin the episode with Jillian in her Whistler suite at the Fairmont, pining over the fact that one of her beloved Bachelors might have a girlfriend back home. She’s hurt. The ABC cameraman advises that hurt people often looking longingly out of their hotel window at the families down below and Jillian obliges.
As she prepares for a quick trip to the Bachelor pad, Jillian’s voiceover reminds us that there are trust issues but she is excited to see the boys after a very, very rough rose ceremony night.
Jake is the first to run across the snow bank to pick her up and hug. The others follow and they all file into the suite where the guys will be staying.
Jillian tells the guys that there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date. And she reminds them that each will have roses, so someone might be going home. Then they gather around the dining room table and share a bag of what appears to be beef jerky. There are several shots of both Jillian and the non-vegetarian Bachelors gnawing on dried animal carcass. Not the most flattering thing to eat on national TV, but whatever.
Jillian presents a date card out of thin air, places it next to the empty beef jerky wrapper and leaves to get ready for her first one-on-one date.
Someone suggests that The Guy You Never Remember Oh Yeah Mark The Pizza Guy trot on up to the balcony and read the note aloud to the group.
I found this very odd and random. Why would someone suggest that? To be funny? To make Mark the Pizza Guy look like a tool? I’d say mission accomplished for that latter.
Mark the Pizza Guy, looking very Romeo and Juliet, announces that Michael has scored the first date after literally ripping apart the envelope. That’s some pretty impressive spit that has sealed the envelope so tightly.
Should I be worried that Jillian’s spit is in my recap? I blame the searing pain in my knee and toe.
First One-on-One Date Mikey Mike and the Funky Bunch “Come Fly With Me”
Mike is totally psyched to find out that he has been chosen for the first one-on-one. After executing some celebratory back spins and airplanes, he catches his breath long enough to tell the camera that he’s been on three group dates with seven, 10 and nine other guys.
Mikey: “I like her the most out of all the guys in the house. I have a huge crush on her. I can sit in a room and eat spaghetti and have the best date ever.”
Call me crazy, but the word “crush” is a bit of a red flag for me.
Jilly: “I had a wicked tough night last night and just want to be wild and crazy today. I want to laugh. I want to squeal. What better person to do that with than Mikey? He’s like the little brother I never had. Or the kid next door who always thought I was cute. He just makes me happy even though there is zero romantic connection. Let’s get to it!”
Jillian takes Michael zip lining through the Canadian mountains. As they approach the first station, Mike looks down and says, “It looks mostly dangerous.”
For some reason, this cracked me up!
Then he extended his hand and asked the zip line pusher his name. And then introduced himself and Jillian.
His Mama brought him up right.
Jillian asks Michael if he is afraid of heights and then asks if he is nervous. His answer?
“Oh…my…awesomeness.”
Again. He’s funny. He’s goofy. I’m laughing. Much to the chagrin of my friend Chance, I’m well on my way (as of today) at making “oh my awesomeness” and “cheese ass” happen. Look out world!
The zip line pusher instructs them on how zip lining is a commitment. You have to let go and just trust that it’s all going to be OK.
Michael is stoked that his zip lining adventure pep talk is a metaphor for letting go of his fears and trusting that love will be found with Jillian.
Jillian thinks it’s rather ironic that her zip lining adventure pep talk is a metaphor for letting go of Michael and trusting that love will be found elsewhere.
Lincee thinks that the zip lining adventure pep talk is a regurgitation of the bungee jumping commitment talk with Molly and Jason from last year and that they need to hire her to write out their fake romance scripts, but whatever.
Jillian: “I feel like I’m a kid again with Michael. It’s like I’m at the roller rink in junior high at my best friend’s birthday party and he’s her kid brother who is super sweet and wicked fun and we know each other sooooo well because our parents are best friends and we grew up together and I ask him to come over when I’m bored or sad so he can cheer me up. And there’s always that feeling of, “Does he like me more than I like him?” but I typically shake it off because he’s my best friend’s brother and totally harmless.”
Jillian and Michael are strapped together in preparation to be shoved down the final zip line. Jillian’s smile fades when Michael suggests they try this position later in the bedroom.
Congratulations Michael. You’ve just crossed the line.
Jillian: “You know when you were a kid and you used to spend the night over at your friend’s house and her little brother wouldn’t leave you alone? And you thought it was funny. But then, you reach high school and you are in the bathroom getting ready for bed and the little brother comes in to brush his teeth and he’s not so little anymore and has an amazing six back to boot? And you wonder what the code is for dating little brothers that make you laugh and have transformed from geek to hot? Yeah. That’s what’s going through my head right now.”
The couple drink hot chocolate as Jillian stares Michael up and down wondering if there is a serious bone in this boy’s body. She asks safe questions about pajamas and popcorn, but her face is clearly stating that she is not feeling the obvious connection he has for her. But you can tell she feels this is an enigma and she must get to the bottom of it at dinner in the wine cellar that houses dusty bottles of pink champagne that can be uncorked by whacking the neck with a saber.
Jill decides to dive in with her super serious questions.
Jill: “Is this what you expected? Would you be ready to fall in love?”
Mikey: “I’m a cheese ass if a girl kisses me on the mouth. I immediately fall in love.”
Oh Michael. Michael, Michael, MICHAEL!
Jill: “So why did you sign up for this show?”
Mikey: “I broke up about eight months ago and I have not gone on a date with a girl (or a man) since then.”
Dude. You are reverting back to the 18-year-old. Wait. Are you 18? [A quick check of his bio confirms that he is indeed not 18.] Stop talking now.
Mikey: “I fell in love with the idea of dating you. I tell the guys all the time. You let your hair down and danced the running man with me. That is huge! I know I make a fool of myself at the sacrifice of me looking cool. But I underestimated my infatuation…I mean my crush…I mean my feelings for you. I’m here for the right reasons.”
Jillian tells Michael that she has some concerns about if he is ready to make a commitment, but she is willing to keep her lil’ buddy around for one more week to see if any sparks fly. At the very least, she will be entertained. And she gives him the rose.
He leans forward and they hug it out for a good 10 minutes. As Jillian returns to her upright position, Mike goes in for the kiss and lands somewhere in her chin vicinity. She ruffles his hair and he tells her a knock-knock joke.
Group Date Wes ROBBY D!!! Kiptynite Fetish Ed Jake Reid Pizza Guy Mark “Let’s Call It a Snow Day”
Jake goes out to fetch the date card, which is ever-so-sweetly arranged by the ABC intern on a random end table in the hall with roses and a vanilla-scented candle. He reads off the names. For some reason, this is very exciting. Lots of “hey oh’s” and Michael hollering.
Jillian tells the boys that they are going snow mobile riding. The twist? She will be riding solo and the boys will be doubled up.
Three words: Oh. My. Awesomeness.
Jillian decides that someone can ride with her and she chooses ROBBY D!!! He loves that she takes the lead and he gets to hold on to her waist the entire time. I love that we get some pretty amazing shots of the other boys sitting as far away as physically possible on one snow mobile seat.
ROBBY D!!! apologizes to Jillian that he was such a cheese ass at the last rose ceremony. He claims that that particular moment was the pissiest he’s been in an entire year.
Meanwhile, the other dudes are trying to secure their own masculinity by dogging ROBBY D!!!
Wes: “She’s not interested in him. He’s 25 and doesn’t have a job. If she likes taking care of kids, he’s perfect.”
WHOA. He’s a bartender Wes. And a darn good one too. Have you ever caught a cherry on a toothpick you were holding in your mouth? I don’t THINK so.
Jillian asks ROBBY D!!! about kids and family and if he’s ready to go there even though he is waaayyy younger than her. He looks her in the eye and answers, “Absolutely.”
She hugs it out. Red flag ROBBY D!!! You better go find your stick with a bandana on the end and bring back the kissing Old West boy, because you are entering the Friend Zone.
Fetish comes up and steals Jilly away from ROBBY D!!! Jillian decides it’s now or never to find out who the chump is who has a girlfriend. She reminds Fetish about their deal…one foot massage per piece of information he provides.
He stammers.
Jillian: “You said, that, like, if I like, wanted to know, like, you said you would, like tell me who the person was.”
Fetish: “I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus.”
Jillian removes her ski boot and wooly sock. Fetish stares with wide eyes. He’s never massaged a cold foot in the snow before. Jillian wiggles her toes mere inches from his face.
Fetish brushes the pinky toe, digs deep for all the strength he can muster and tells Jillian to keep her eyes open. He’s confident she will figure it out.
After putting her shoe back on, Jillian finds Wes and they make their own recliners out of a tall snow bank. He calls her baby and the snow literally begins to melt around her. (The Texas drawl can do that to a person.) Wes admits that he got pissed at the rose ceremony and he knows that the guys think he is here for the wrong reasons.
Wes: “Obviously I’m the target. I’m the only one here who is coming out with a CD that drops in September and will be on sale at your local Wal-Mart for the bargain price of $9.99 which includes the song I wrote for you that everyone watching knows by now titled They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy.”
Shut up. Wes is coming out with an album? Who knew?
Wes reminds Jillian that his album has been in the works for years and it is coincidence that his sister (who also happens to be is agent) decided to sign him up for a show that ends at the exact same time his album will be debuting. Then he calls her darlin’ and makes out with her.
Jillian tells the camera that Wes is bad ass with a huge heart. Lincee says that Wes is a cheese ass with a huge ego.
Then Wes straight up tells the camera that there is no doubt the publicity will help his career and he hopes he gets another rose.
I miss Qwhan.
Back at the Fairmont, we find Jake using his Eagle Scout skills to build a fire as Jillian and the other boys sidle up to an ice bar for some whisky shots. After two shots, she’s laughing. After six shots, she’s asked Ed to hoist her up onto the bar so she can dance Coyote Ugly style. After 11 shots, she’s encouraging Kiptynite to feel how cold and wet her butt is after rolling over on her side so he can have an ample amount from which to grab and give an honest assessment of the damage.
Kiptynite: “You are always on my mind. I’m surprised that I feel this way. Are you doing okay? We could tell you were physically upset at the rose ceremony last time. I still don’t know what that was all about.”
Jillian: [hiccup] “I like you. Do you like me? Check yes, no or maybe.”
Kiptynite: “Well, you let me grab your butt five seconds ago. I’m going to go with yes.”
Jillian: “Sometimes I can’t process what you are saying because you are so cute. Wanna make out?”
The ABC camera crew goes in for a tight shot on the pair making out and I prepare myself for the junior high debacle from last week. And I have to say that Kiptynite has upped his game, or Jillian is a better kisser when she is wasted, because they straight up skipped the high school back of the car make out sessions and went immediately in to porn tongue.
Later, Jillian finds Reid. She reminds us that they had a great physical start but have been lacking in the emotional department. She wants to know what he will be like in six years? Reid says that he will have a family that is more adventurous than his own and he begins a story about a camping trip back in the day when he realizes that Jilly’s eyes have glazed over and she might be about to pass out.
Reid: “What was I saying?”
Jillian: [hiccup] “You were talking about how cool you thought I was.”
Reid: “And you smell good too.”
Jillian: “Really? I just threw up in the ladies room before I came in here. You don’t smell that, do you?”
Reid: “No. You smell like snow and flowers. And gasoline.”
Nice.
Jillian: “So who has a girlfriend?”
Reid: “Did you really hear that? I don’t know…except that I do know! Wes and Kip for sure have multiple girlfriends. And I have two wives.”
Probably want to leave that last part out in case the drunk girl thinks this was a real conversation as she’s nursing a headache in the morning Reid. LOOK ALIVE!
Back at the perfectly built fire, Jake and Ed are bonding. Jake notices Ed is moody and asks what is wrong. We later find out that his boss wants him to come home because the business is falling apart without him. He can choose to stay and possibly find love, or he can leave now and have a job. His choice.
Ed: “It really made me think about what I’m doing here. I mean Michael and ROBBY D!!! are just kids. Wes is a douche. I’ll never have a tongue the size of Kiptynite’s and Jake is freaking Mary Poppins…perfect in every way. How am I supposed to compete with that?”
Jillian: “I can’t guarantee anything. You are probably looking at third or a tie for fourth right now. You haven’t picked me up and twirled me and your tongue doesn’t hypnotize me like others. Plus, your accent is nowhere near southern. But there is potential Ed. Stay.”
Jillian ends up giving the rose to Ed to prove that she’s sort of in this if he wants to be. She tells him he can give it back if he changes his mind, but he needs to think about it for a few days. She will understand whatever he chooses to do.
But now…it’s toboggan time!
And in a moment of sheer oh my awesomeness, the boys double up again on the toboggans as they hurl down the mountain.
Second One-On-One Date Jesse “It’s Time To Break The Ice”
Jesse is excited that his curling efforts impressed Jillian enough to invite him on this last date. He almost decided to bring his trophy, but then he thought it would get in the way of ice skating.
Come to find out, Jillian is taking him in a plane (no helicopter?) to land on their very own glacier. Then she squeals in delight as he picks her up and twirls her around. Jillian sits in Jesse’s lap as they become awe struck by the view. They continue to move from one side to the other taking in the scenery when the pilot asks them nicely to please take their own seat so he can balance out the weight for landing.
They exit the plane and Jesse carries Jillian over to a deep snow bank and drops her. She gets up and pushes him down. This lasts for the majority of the day. I keep wondering if they are feeling the burn in their quads.
They sit down in the snow and start talking about how this is not only the best date ever, but the best DAY ever.
Jesse: “One Christmas, when I was six-years-old, I got one of those big Tonka trucks. It was the best Christmas ever. This has totally trumped that moment.”
Jillian: “Awwwwwww!”
Lincee: “I have the same feeling about Malibu Barbie. I guess I get it.”
Jillian: “So how are you feeling about me and this whole thing?”
Jesse: “After we were on the boat, there was a connection. You are driven and independent and everything I’m looking for, but no matter how this ends, I will remember you forever.”
Jill admits to the camera that she looked at Jesse differently after that. Could this boy have marriage potential?
Jillian suggests they write their name in the snow.
Jesse: “Yellow snow?”
Lincee: “Hey! You stole my line!”
Jillian dissolves into a fit of giggling and squealing.
Back at dinner, Jillian asks Jesse about his ex-girlfriend. She wants to know if it’s too soon to get involved with someone. He says that there is no way it would have worked and actually went on too long. He is ready to be selfish and find someone he can commit to.
Jillian wants to know where he will be when he’s 35.
Jesse: “I’m going to own a successful wine bar and have a lovely wife and kids.”
Jillian stares at him in wonder and amazement. He just worked her three favorite words into one sentence: wife, kids, wine. Whoo hoo!
Now it’s Jesse’s turn to ask the questions. He wants to know if she would ever leave Vancouver and begin a life somewhere else…say in Nappa Valley?
Jillian: “I would totally move cities for a guy that I was hot for. In a heartbeat. And if they had a winery? I’d move tomorrow.”
This goes on for about 10 minutes. We think Jesse is listening intently, but we later find out that he is transfixed by her raspy, sexy voice. He loves it. Jillian practically calls him a cheese ass for thinking this, because everyone knows that her voice is annoying as nails on a chalkboard.
Amen sister. You said it.
Jesse disagrees and says it has more of a 1-900 feel. And then admits it is arousing. He issues a challenge with himself that he will take it to the next level in the hot tub.
And boy does he play his cards well.
Jesse’s back is up against the hot tub edge and Jillian is to his side, sort of facing him and yacking away about the day. She says that she loved being with him and he claimed that she would have had a great time with any of the guys.
Jesse: “The situation we were in was awesome.”
Jillian: “Wicked awesome.”
Jesse: “You could have had fun with anyone, but I want to prove to you that I was the right guy in that situation.”
Jillian leaning in his 18-inches of personal space: “And how are you going to do that?”
Jesse: “How can I ever describe this day to anyone else besides you?”
Jillian straddling him: “You don’t have to.”
It is at this point that the moment was sort of ruined for me because Jesse was wallowing something around in his mouth. An after dinner peppermint perhaps? Were they sharing another bag of beef jerky?
I guess it didn’t really matter, because Jillian is giving Jesse every shade of green light imaginable before he goes in for the kill.
One can not tell if he was a good kisser, because Gary the ABC camera man goes all artistic on us and insists on shooting the hot tub scene backlit so the steam rising will make it look more intimate with shadows, plus it will offer a great analogy that they have a steamy relationship.
It must have been pretty good, because afterwards, Jesse said he was glowing and Jillian said there were major sparks.
The next day, Jillian gets a call from Ed asking her to come to his room. He has decided to go back to work and needs to let Jillian down gently.
Ed: “After our date, I felt like everything was perfect. But some things have transpired. I talked with my boss and I’m not being fair to them. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have to leave.”
Jillian: “I know this sounds like pouting and that I told you that I would support your decision, but this is hard. I really, really, really liked you. I guess you had NO IDEA what you were signing up for, but whatever. I’m glad you are figuring this out now and not down the road on the After the Rose show like Melissa. Just promise me that you will never put work before love again.”
Ed: “I realize that I’m letting you down, but I would be letting six or seven people down if I didn’t leave.”
Jillian rolls her eyes and they hug. There was a lot of snotting in the muffled microphone and a pitiful little “sorry” from Ed. He tells her he is keeping the rose because he doesn’t think anyone else should have it.
Prediction: Ed will be back somewhere down the line.
Ed walks Jillian to the door and she grabs him around the hips because she can’t reach his waste and holds on for dear life. She begins to cry. She is not ready to let go. Ed peels her away and points her in the direction of the elevator, which happens to be right beside his door. She awkwardly waits for the elevator as Ed stares at her back. The door opens, she enters and is gone from his life FOREVER!
Jillian: “I am a hoot and a catch. Ed weighs his priorities differently than I do. I also threw away everything I had to find love. And I am pretty sure that I’m not going to get back. It scares me but I have no regrets. I wish he could have taken that risk.”
Ed packs his own bags in the back of the suburban and bids Canada adieu. He feels frustrated and sad.
I feel jealous of all the Chicago ladies who are currently trying to find a way to get a technical consultant from Ed this morning.
Jillian finds her favorite sweater with the attached fingerless Madonna gloves and goes for a gondola ride up the mountain to think about what has transpired. She wonders if she is good enough and decides that applying three times the amount of eye makeup and her favorite gold dress that looks like a fancy dinner napkin is just the ticket to cheer herself up.
Rose Ceremony
Jillian sits down with Hare to discuss her mood. It’s so cute to see Our Host’s expression when he pretends to not know that Ed left the Fairmont mere hours ago.
Hare: “Wow. With Ed leaving, you must be devastated. Weren’t you guys totally falling in love? Honestly. I really need you to be dramatic now, because this episode is lame and I can’t say ‘most dramatic rose ceremony’ because only one dude will be going home and we both know who it is so I need you to work with me here.”
Jillian wipes away a tear.
Hare: “Good, good. There’s no need to talk. I’ll do all the talking. You are more emotional now than you were with Jason. I guess Ed was a front runner?”
Jillian: “By no means was he the one.”
Hare: “Really? What about Tanner?
Jillian: “The foot thing got me nowhere on the snow mobile. I’m wondering if he’s lying about that too. He needs to focus on me and my feet and forget everything else.”
Hare: “Interesting. How about Jake?”
Jillian: “Jake will hate that I say this, but he is too perfect.”
Hare: “Tell me about it. That was one amazing fire. What about Mark?”
Jillian: “Who?”
Hare: “Mark. You know…the Pizza Guy.”
Jillian: “Oh riiiiight. Mark the Pizza Guy. I dunno. He’s never said he liked me.”
Hare: “Did you do that check yes, no, maybe thing like you did with Kiptynite?”
Jillian: “Nope.”
Hare: “Think about it Jillian…free pizza for life!”
Jillian: “I dunno.”
Hare: “How about Wes?”
Jillian: “Now you’re talking! He makes me happy.”
Hare: “They do say that love don’t come easy.”
Jillian: “Who’s they?”
Hare: “Never mind. Let’s skip the party and get to business. Now go put Ed’s picture on the Rejected Bureau of Shame and find me when you are done.”
Roses go to:
Michael
Jesse
Reid
Kiptynite
ROBBY D!!!
Jake
Fetish
Wes
Pizza Guy Mark is stuck with the lonely walk back to the gondola. I can’t help but wonder if he accidently left his suit pants at home, or if there was an incident with the Fairmont iron.
And here we go. It’s the moment we all rewound at least seven times in order to fully understand just what Our Host Chris Harrison was saying in his “next week” b-roll package.
I took the liberty of transcribing word for word:
This season the overnight fantasy dates turn into every guy’s worst nightmare. [This is not exactly as we had planned.] One of our Bachelors experienced a certain problem in the bedroom. [I felt like I failed. Fears got in the way of the moment.] Everything was there and I couldn’t wait to be in that setting. But the romance was not there. [I guess this pressure has affected the physical intimacy of your relationship.]
Surely. SURELY WITH ALL THAT IS LOVELY AND PURE WITH THIS SHOW THAT WE WILL NOT LEARN ONE OF THESE DUDES AS ERECTILE DYSTFUNCTION. ON NATIONAL TV. FOR EVERYONE TO WITNESS.
Please Lord. Please, please let it be a migraine. Or food poisoning. I’ll even take a case of the stomach squirts. But please. For the sake of my heart and my sanity, do not make me write erectile dysfunction ever again. I think three times is enough for one website.
Amen.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Sara #82 – Correct on all counts! You nailed everything about everyone! And after the last few seasons I think it’s inevitable that I’ll be moving to Chi-town. I’ll probably need a roommate…you in???
Side note: I think sometimes we forget that although they’re put in strange, silly, sometimes awkward situations meant to entertain us every week for a few months, these are REAL PEOPLE. I can’t imagine how much I’d annoy people if a camera followed me around while I was dating. The fact that it’s somewhat real is why I like this show. Yes, people are prompted to say certain things in their voiceovers or in their “confessionals,” but the fact that they’re real enough to show us that they say ridiculous things, get hurt feelings, change their minds, or just have a normal enough personality to be boring on national television is great!!! The ones who are fake or have ulterior motives are pretty obvious. Personally, I’m a bigger fan of the show than I was a few years ago, for that very reason! And because of Lincee and Hare, of course.
What is with everyone and Ed…the guy cannot emote. Sure, that’s the guy I want to have around when the going gets tough…”uh, uh, uh,…I dunno know…uh, uh…let me drag my knuckles some more.” Incapable of handling life’s challenges/emotions in my opinion. Glad he’s gone and I don’t blame him for going either.
Loving Kiptyn. I like Reid so far. Fetish is around just long enough for Jilly to get him to spill the beans about everyone else and then he’s history. Oh Robby…cute, but needs a job and some responsibility, and it says a lot about a guy when he agrees with Dave’s tirade on Juan…such a weinie follower. Wes…came right out and told her about his CD…she only heard what she wanted to hear…and the silly girl kept him around. She deserves the misery she’s signing up for with that boy. Jesse…F.I.N.E., but not a long-term guy. Michael…adorable…and not in the same place as her…he’s going home. And Jake…is the guy she SHOULD pick…but, she won’t…she likes drama and adventure and stupid and cheesy. Jake is the guy who is marriage material…would do everything in his power to make her happy and share himself and his life with her…yep, that’s “too perfect” for any woman. No guessing why ol’ Jilly is still alone and gets her heart broken…she’s attracted to “bad-ass,” (Wes), can’t-quite-make-up-my-mind (Jason), my-job-is-more-important (Ed). Keep the tissues handy for Jillian.
#75, I am from the south and we always called them toboggans as well. I moved to Colorado and have refered to them as such and I get called out every time… “you mean a ski hat”… or “Paige, a toboggan is a sled”.
Your comment just made me laugh
Also, my two cents, I totally agree with woever said “and we wonder why Jill is still single??” Yes, I totally agree. Even my boyfriend and his roommates agree- she does not have a pretty face, her voice is obnoxious, she is pretty ditzy, and she seems emotionaly unstable. If she wasn’t petite and tiny (which automatically increases sex appeal to most guys by at least 100%) she wouldn’t be nearly as appealing to these guys.
I also agree with whoever pointed out the lack of diversity in their conversations. All they talk about is marriage and past relationships. Isn’t that backwards?? How about.. oh, I don’t know…. your family life, siblings, hobbies, do/ did you play sports, what do you love to do in your free time, what sorts of things are you passionate about, fun childhood or college stories…. anything!!! Is it just me, or isn’t this what you normally start out with when you’re dating? Getting to know someone? Getting a sense of their personality and sense of humor… what makes them laugh…. how their relationship is with their family (which is super important in a long term relationship!)…what type of company they keep…etc. It truly is no wonder why none of these relationships actually work out! They leave the show knowing nothing about each other and their already weak relationsip is suppoed to last 2 months with minimal contact until the ATFR Ceremony. It’s just crazy.
I am team Reid… all the way… hands down. I think he so cute, but not threateningly cute (ie: needing to worry about his ego and how many girls are throwing themselves at him). I think he is well rounded, and just a real person. I want him to “win” because I like him…. but then again… winning means having to deal with Jillian, and I really want him to find another “real” woman to be happy with. Maybe Lincee can pimp him out. I know quite a few girls that would most likely be a better fit!!!
Love the recap…. laughed my @$$ off
Re: their conversations–you guys have to remember that we see a tiny sliver of the dates and conversations they have on this show. I read an interview with Jill and she said they absolutely talk about sports, movies, family, etc, but the producers show the parts where they talk about relationships. I mean, seriously, how boring would it be to watch two people talking about the Giants v. the Cowboys or John Grisham v. Evelyn Waugh for two hours???
Susan – you’ve now become the #2 reason why I watch this trash weekly (Linsee’s #1). Game on girl!
I am so not taking any of this crap serious (Ed leaving, Tidy-Whity head self-promoting, Fetish-fish eyed freak stuttering, fantasy suite disfunctioning…) I would LOVE to sit in the editing booth while they go through what I’m sure is about 50 hours of tape to see exactly what audio and footage they pull together. No wait… i don’t REALLY want to sit through 50 hours of this boring crap… but I sure would like to see how they twist the peices together to maintain ratings!!! With as much publicity as ABC finagled last year with what was ‘truly’ the most dramatic ending ever, they HAVE to be working overtime on creativity. Just makes ya wonder what the hell they’ll do next time…
#74 — YES! the entire time she was on the snowmobile chatting with Robby D!!! she was looking off to the side and he was looking at her. It was soooooo awkward. What’s up with that?!
True, Missy, and I have also read that the producers discourage other “real” conversations that don’t revolve around the show, relationships, finding love, etc. They want to keep everyone in this fairy land zone and forget about the outside world and get brainwashed into thinking they fall in love.
Unfortunately, I think this does the show a huge disservice because I would much, much rather hear some of the real conversations that go on. Yeah, Giants vs. Cowboys might be boring, but good lord they have to have more on their minds than “making a connection” “are you ready to settle down?” “are you ready for all this?” “do you like me?” etc. etc. BLECH.
The funniest moments I can think of from this show are often the outtakes, which don’t involve the magical quest for love at all. Like when Tara (?) on Jesse’s season was cracking up when Jesse was gnawing on his steak like a starved dog, or the girls’ inane chatter in any of the seasons, or the random spray tan scene, or when we discovered Deanna doesn’t know basic English grammar (“My feelings growed”). THOSE are the moments I treasure….not two half-bored people squeaking out a conversation about “connections” and how “comfortable” they feel around each other. Sigh.
Look out all you Texans, the tour is coming your way:
http://weshayden.com/Tour/tour.html
Y’all need to go and tell the rest of us just how awful it is!
Oh, but the producers will gladly insert serious conversations (religion) if it makes good TV. Remember in Jason’s season one of the girls had a very religious father and they put that in the show. It bugs me that we don’t see more meaningful conversations between the couples. And it is disgusting that the one time religion did come up, they made the Dad look like a nut or something for discussing it.
#109 Qwhanonymus, first of all LOVE the name. Second, thanks for steering me to Wes’s website. It made me laugh almost as much as Susan did, who made me laugh almost as much as Lincee did.
Wes’s song is actually titled “It Don’t Take That Long” which is obviously borrowed from DeYAWNa’s school of grammar. No, Wes, it don’t, specially win yew only gots 6 weeks er so to permote yersef.
#109 Qwhanonymus (Great name!) – And the shirts in those photos look like they came from the same hamper as the stuff he wore to last Monday’s rose ceremony… Someone find him a good dry cleaner or an iron or even that spray stuff that takes the wrinkles out. Messy hair, facial stubble AND wrinkly clothes go beyond that carefully-styled I-don’t-care how-I-look look and seem more like the I-really-do-live under-a-bridge look. You can’t combine all three.
And Lincee, sometimes I think the line “best ever” is bandied about somewhat liberally by us Greenbeaners, but as soon as I read it, I thought “Jillian tells the camera that Wes is a bad ass with a huge heart. Lincee says that Wes is a cheese ass with a huge ego,” was honestly the funniest line you’ve ever written. Thanks for the entertainment you consistently provide to us!!
http://www.buddytv.com/articles/the-bachelorette/the-bachelorette-eds-mother-br-29395.aspx
Ed didn’t want to leave his job at the litte mom and pop company called Microsoft
#102 – you’re right! People forget that these are real people. These shows are SOOOOO edited and I can’t imagine the filming. I’ve been on a prime-time reality tv show and that was 10 days of taping and 100% TOTALLY EXHAUSTING. I can’t imagine what they’re going through with as long as this takes. A day of taping can EASILY start at 16 hours….look closely at Jillian from the first episode until now and she’s starting to look tired. That probably accounts for some of the what seems so un-necessary tears….you get tired and emotional after filming for 16-20 hours a day! Luckly for Jillian, she’s surrounded by hotties!!!
#113 Hey with Adobe reporting a 41% drop in revenue, I’d high tail it back to my job instead of taking a chance that maybe I could be one of the 4 men that Jillian will have an opportunity to squeal for during the forego episode. Ohhh all the Jillian hatin’ coming from me.
I have a stupid theory and speculation about this whole E.D. thing that is derived from that BuddyTV link. So the article says that Ed wasn’t available to make a statement like the other dudes usually are. The ABC rep has a super lame excuse for why he isn’t available, and then his mother is willing to pipe up and explain things. Now why would Ed not be available to talk to the press? If he can take off 6 weeks (or whatever it is to film this freaking show) he can take off an hour to field questions, right?
My theory is this: Ed is contractually obligated to keep silent. The finalists (as in F1 or F2) are not allowed under their contract with the show, to discuss the show with the press until after the final show airs. Bachelors who are cast off earlier are allowed to discuss their run on the show as soon as their castoff episode airs. But what it looks like is that Ed comes back with his rose and “continues the journey to try and win Jillian’s heart.” In which case, ABC has to support Ed’s facade of being too busy to talk to the press and string us all along until he gets back.
However, they love the turn of events (Ed coming back) so much, that they want to make sure we’re emotionally invested in Jillian and Ed as a couple. So they do this by keeping his name in our discussion. That way, when Ed does come back, they can play the soaring music and make it “the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette EVER” because we’re all such Ed fans.
So they splice together all of these sound bits and images to make it look like someone has E.D. ABC Trickeration at its finest, but it serves two ends. First, its so ridiculous that they would even imply someone has E.D. that we all fume and speculate about who has it for a while. The end here is that we’ll keep tuning in and keep those ratings up. However, second, it is no mistake that this fantasy suite date/E.D. preview happens at the end of the episode where Ed leaves and there are 8 dudes left. This makes E.D. part of our conversations from now until the real ED comes back on the show.
Yes, this is a totally idiotic theory and analysis, but I like the thought of ABC not-so-subtly keeping Ed on our minds, kind of hinting at the ending, which I am actually hoping is Ed. And not E.D.
#115 – Debbie: I agree. If I were Ed, I’d go back to work. Don’t care if its a mom & pop operation or Microsoft. When I was single, my friends and I would often joke that one of the qualities we wanted in a man was being employed! Frankly, as a married woman, I still find that attractive.
Whatever money Jillian is making from the “The Bachelorette” is not going to last forever — and for visa purposes, whoever (presumably the man she selects at the Home Depot Pedestal) sponsors her to come into the US will have to provide proof that he can support her.
Choosing not to get fired is not the same as being a workaholic.
Lincee, I just read an article, http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=414977, and Melissa is going the cast of Good Morning America as a special assignment reporter or something. I bet Deyawna is pissed!!
Sorry, I meant joining….
#115 Bingo Shopgirl…He’s not making a choice between work or her…ok he is, but if I’m 29, employed by a major company in an economy that stinks as much as Wes looks like he does…and I’m only 1 of 10 guys who might potentially be THE ONE in a contrived circumstance in which only ONE couple has been successful…I’m taking the job, putting food on my table, paying my bills and if it’s meant to be, it will be. But hey, with his exposure, I’m sure he will have tons of women flocking to date him. Once the noteriety fades, he will find the perfect gal who will support him in all his endeavors and will help him find his work/life balance.
Susan, #91 said “Jillian would find herself on the Famewhore tour of third-rate honky-tonks, doing the catering for the band to keep overhead down. She’ll be toting her own crock pot full of Velveeta and Ro-Tel and picking through Wes’ M&Ms to remove the brown ones. He’ll be yelling at her to “get it right for once, b**ch” and make sure his Pabst Blue Ribbon has been freshly opened for him as he exits stage right. Scantily clad country cuties whose panties are being swept up off the stage along with the band’s cigarette butts and beer bottle caps will hang on Wes and try to place their drink orders with Jillian. She’ll think longingly of Ed Lover, and she’ll wonder if maybe he’d accept a collect call. She’ll start to call him umpteen times but hang up sadly before giving the operator her name. She knows it’s no use…Ed’s working late. He always works late.”
OMG, I am crying so hard, I have tears streaming down my face. That is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time. Bravo!
First time commenting here, and i have to say, lincee, i ran across IHGB during DD’s days, and from then on i’ve read your recaps with my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud in my cubicle wednesday mornings at work.
As for Squeeally’s “search for love”…i briefly considered giving up this week after Ed Lover left, but I agree with most others here…when Ed said “no one else deserves” the rose, I said “…aaaaand that means you’re coming back!” my guess is during the final 3 for the i/you-made-a-mistake visit a la jeremy and DD. i, for one, am pysched…not to mention totally playing into ABC’s dirty little paws.
now that Ed Lover is gone, my current fave is mikey mike for the laugh factor. too bad squeeally would rather ride the ego-maniac famewhore tour bus to i-slept-with-my-teacher-ville…or reduce herself to a 6th grade giggling mess playing schoolyard games with kiptynite (i like you…gigglygoo…do you like me too? check yes, no, or maybe…giggly-giggly-goo-goo). gross.
Susan…#91 “she’ll wonder if maybe he’d accept a collect call. She’ll start to call him umpteen times but hang up sadly before giving the operator her name. She knows it’s no use…Ed’s working late. He always works late”.
I laughed out loud and had to explain to it my husband. Also, Squillian would be a cute nickname for Jillian.
#91, Susan, you can write, girlfriend! Witty, clever, darn funny. thanks for sharing
I am just curious, last season we had an ex-Bachelorette answer some of our behind the scenes questions that had come to the surface….where is that person now???? Was that person a real ex-Bachelorette or were they just pulling our chain???
“One can not tell if he was a good kisser, because Gary the ABC camera man goes all artistic on us and insists on shooting the hot tub scene backlit so the steam rising will make it look more intimate with shadows, plus it will offer a great analogy that they have a steamy relationship.”
i CANNOT believe no one brought this part up. Lincee, this is some of your finest work yet. i burst into laughter, and i rarely find anything funnier than an ironic smirk.
well played.
#17 – Christina – You are freakin’ HILARIOUS! That comment made me laugh out loud.
I love to read all the comments on here, but am surprised by all the Jillian haters. From my perspective, it’s nice to see someone on TV who’s real and doesn’t look like Barbie. Beautiful comes in all different forms, and even though she may not look like a movie star, she is cute, fun-loving, and has personality. Maybe someone more real, as opposed to gorgeous fame whore (ahem, DD), will actually find some success on this show. Probably not, but maybe.
Hi Mrs. Harris!
I can’t believe I’ve never seen this show. It sounds like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I have one more thing to look forward to now!
This is my first time posting….I love how Lincee has inspired the humor-based recapping in her fans!!! And I don’t know if I should post this, since it ends up being publicity for he-who-shall-remain-nameless, but here is a link to a You Tube “interview” about his CD and his special song….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGgTKTeNh3g. And I’m hoping someone can answer this puzzler. There is another Wes You Tube short, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9XDKmU1wXE&feature=related, about the release of the CD. He mentions that they’ve been in the studio “all week” working on it, and that it would be on their My Space page “on Monday”. Then there is a caption that says the release was delayed until “next Tuesday”, June 2. Thus the puzzler…that caption implies that the release was to have been somewhere around the previous Tuesday, May 26 (before it was delayed), and therefore Was would have been in studio the week before, which would be around May 20. But the first show aired Monday May 18th, and OHCH/Hare told us in his blog that the season hadn’t wrapped yet. So….there is NO way that Wes could have been in the studio during that time period AND been involved in the ending of the show…which would mean he has to be eliminated pretty soon, since at some point, they sequester the “losers” and make them stay through the end. But this just seems too obvious…am I missing something?
OMG! Ok, did anyone see the previews for “More to Love” during SYTYCD last night? It is a new bachelor show but with “plus-sized/average looking” participants. This one will air on Fox. Crazy…are bachelor ratings really that good to make another one?
#131 – atl – I saw it and I think one trainwreck as season from the Bach people is enough for me! lol
#130 – Jennifer – I’ve purposely have not clicked on anything Wes related b/c I refuse to give that fool a bigger ego thinking the more clicks he gets means his little plan worked…so I will go with the thought that he got his wish and didn’t get picked and that’ good for me and obviously for Jillian but I’m sure he’s happy either way since he got to execute his stupid song (oneliner) on us for a good part of the season. Here’s to hoping he’s a one hit wonder!
#129 – Elliott – the pimped one Said,
“I can’t believe I’ve never seen this show. It sounds like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I have one more thing to look forward to now!”
HOT DIGGY! Glad to have you aboard HTCE!!! We greenbeaners welcome you!!!!
not sure I can handle watching “More to Love” ——
So I skimmed through the comments SUPER quick, someone may have said it already, but I thought it was definitely worth reporting….
I was listening to the radio station this morning and during the Hollywood News here on KROQ (in LA) they were mentioning a story that 3 of the Bachelors had been paid $50,000 to be on the show. That’s right 50K!!!! Anyone else here that? Oh, and you want to know who it was?
-Kyptynite
-Reid
-Denny Duquette
has anyone else heard this? Is this an old rumor that I’m just now hearing?
#134 – LnghrnCaliGirl – In his blog at entertainmentweekly.com OHCH says it isn’t true. I think it is just Reality Steve or one of his ilk trying to drum up more hits on his website…
#134–this is actually a distortion of what Reality Steve has been reporting. He actually said that 2 men were offered $50k BUT THEY TURNED IT DOWN. He has cataloged on his site the numerous media outlets who have distorted what he has said and this sounds like an even worse distortion than others.
Hate to disappoint everyone, but the bedroom scene isn’t actually going to be next week. It was of those teasers where they show scenes from next week’s episode AND future episodes. The overnight dates are weeks away.
And there is no way any man would let them publicize an issue with E.D. They are definitely “teasing” us with that. Good one though!
Okay, I totally get Ed keeping the rose. He’s telling her he’s into her but not williling to lose his job. No problem he thinks, none of these guys are the right one for her and he’ll hook up with her when the shows done. He’s sick of sharing her anyways and how much puking and partying can someone do before they are done. Can’t wait to read the Us’s and People’s with Ed and Jillian’s hookups in it. Yay!
Ok, all of the references to Ed and E.D. in the comment section are making me laugh! I keep reading them interchangeably. Like this:
“I really didn’t understand why she was so upset about E.D., who clearly needed to go home and get some sleep.”
“She knows it’s no use…E.D.’s working late. He always works late”.
“What is with everyone and E.D…the guy cannot emote.”
“My theory is this: E.D. is contractually obligated to keep silent.”
Hahahahaha!
#111
OMG I’m cracking up! GUFFAWING even! HILARIOUS….
Does anyone have an answer for me #27 above?
I just saw an old video clip of Our Host “Hare” being asked questions about the Bach, he says 25% of all the girls that “try out” to be on the show are turned away cause they can’t pass the blood test due to STD’s! He said when they have an older bach and the women are older 20-40 years they lose 50% of the women because they have STD’s! He also said that after the bach decides which girls he wants to keep at the rose ceremony, they tell him which order to call them – for a little added drama! Apparently this was during Andy’s season that he gave this interview. He really gave a lot of behind the scenes stuff…guess he is not allowed to that anymore!
The place to see the video of Chris Harrison is on www(dot)jokersupdate(dot)com then click on forums, scroll down and click on The Bachelorette go to page 6 and scroll till you see:
The Bachelor Producers Hit With Herpes Dilemma
It is a good interview….
This season is getting worse and worse….soooooooooooooooooo boring. I can’t even bring myself to watch it on Mondays because it is such a waste of 2 hours…I’ve been catching up online. Also, Wes is totally a douche. How does she not see right through his BS?
SOOOO excited that Melissa has landed a gig on “Good Morning America!” Getting dumped by Jason may have been the best thing to ever happen to her!
I agree, Shopgirl, and was thinking the same thing when I heard about Melissa. She sure came out smelling like a rose while Jillian is dealing with all this angst and Molly — well, Molly got stuck with Melba.
#142–I don’t think he said anything. I think they all just started laughing and Ed made a face. No more drama…
Debbie – “…employed by a major company in an economy that stinks as much as Wes looks like he does”. HA!
Lincee, are you going to recap More to Love on Fox? I can’t wait for that to start.
In today’s Denver paper, a writer said Pizza Guy was glad to be back in Denver, he wasn’t into Jillian and she knew it…. and the writer called Jillian the ugliest tv personality since Rosie O’Donnell. Or something like that. Geez, that’s a little extreme.
#151 – Right…I wasn’t into Jillian, which is why I continued to hang in there and accept the roses and accept the Fairmont Whistler ABC hospitality etc instead of taking the high road and leaving for lack of interest. Sounds like sour grapes to me.
And Jillian is MUCH cuter than Rosie O’Donnell