iHateGreenBeans

I’d like to start this recap with a salute to sweet, little Pocket Person Jillian. Can we all clasp our hands together, shake our heads from side-to-side and utter a unified “bless her heart” for this poor dear?

Actually, dear doesn’t really describe what’s going on with Jilly right now. She’s more of a hot mess. I don’t think she signed up for babysitting, CD pimping, job choosing, erectile dysfunctioning Bachelors, but that’s what she got.

And even though I stand by my earlier statement that two hours is about an hour and a half too long for this show we all love to hate, we do embrace the 30 minutes of jaw dropping, face covering, TV shouting craziness.

Am I right?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin the episode with Jillian in her Whistler suite at the Fairmont, pining over the fact that one of her beloved Bachelors might have a girlfriend back home. She’s hurt. The ABC cameraman advises that hurt people often looking longingly out of their hotel window at the families down below and Jillian obliges.

As she prepares for a quick trip to the Bachelor pad, Jillian’s voiceover reminds us that there are trust issues but she is excited to see the boys after a very, very rough rose ceremony night.

Jake is the first to run across the snow bank to pick her up and hug. The others follow and they all file into the suite where the guys will be staying.

Jillian tells the guys that there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date. And she reminds them that each will have roses, so someone might be going home. Then they gather around the dining room table and share a bag of what appears to be beef jerky. There are several shots of both Jillian and the non-vegetarian Bachelors gnawing on dried animal carcass. Not the most flattering thing to eat on national TV, but whatever.

Jillian presents a date card out of thin air, places it next to the empty beef jerky wrapper and leaves to get ready for her first one-on-one date.

Someone suggests that The Guy You Never Remember Oh Yeah Mark The Pizza Guy trot on up to the balcony and read the note aloud to the group.

I found this very odd and random. Why would someone suggest that? To be funny? To make Mark the Pizza Guy look like a tool? I’d say mission accomplished for that latter.

Mark the Pizza Guy, looking very Romeo and Juliet, announces that Michael has scored the first date after literally ripping apart the envelope. That’s some pretty impressive spit that has sealed the envelope so tightly.

Should I be worried that Jillian’s spit is in my recap? I blame the searing pain in my knee and toe.

First One-on-One Date

Mikey Mike and the Funky Bunch

“Come Fly With Me”

Mike is totally psyched to find out that he has been chosen for the first one-on-one. After executing some celebratory back spins and airplanes, he catches his breath long enough to tell the camera that he’s been on three group dates with seven, 10 and nine other guys.

Mikey: “I like her the most out of all the guys in the house. I have a huge crush on her. I can sit in a room and eat spaghetti and have the best date ever.”

Call me crazy, but the word “crush” is a bit of a red flag for me.

Jilly: “I had a wicked tough night last night and just want to be wild and crazy today. I want to laugh. I want to squeal. What better person to do that with than Mikey? He’s like the little brother I never had. Or the kid next door who always thought I was cute. He just makes me happy even though there is zero romantic connection. Let’s get to it!”

Jillian takes Michael zip lining through the Canadian mountains. As they approach the first station, Mike looks down and says, “It looks mostly dangerous.”

For some reason, this cracked me up!

Then he extended his hand and asked the zip line pusher his name. And then introduced himself and Jillian.

His Mama brought him up right.

Jillian asks Michael if he is afraid of heights and then asks if he is nervous. His answer?

“Oh…my…awesomeness.”

Again. He’s funny. He’s goofy. I’m laughing. Much to the chagrin of my friend Chance, I’m well on my way (as of today) at making “oh my awesomeness” and “cheese ass” happen. Look out world!

The zip line pusher instructs them on how zip lining is a commitment. You have to let go and just trust that it’s all going to be OK.

Michael is stoked that his zip lining adventure pep talk is a metaphor for letting go of his fears and trusting that love will be found with Jillian.

Jillian thinks it’s rather ironic that her zip lining adventure pep talk is a metaphor for letting go of Michael and trusting that love will be found elsewhere.

Lincee thinks that the zip lining adventure pep talk is a regurgitation of the bungee jumping commitment talk with Molly and Jason from last year and that they need to hire her to write out their fake romance scripts, but whatever.

Jillian: “I feel like I’m a kid again with Michael. It’s like I’m at the roller rink in junior high at my best friend’s birthday party and he’s her kid brother who is super sweet and wicked fun and we know each other sooooo well because our parents are best friends and we grew up together and I ask him to come over when I’m bored or sad so he can cheer me up. And there’s always that feeling of, “Does he like me more than I like him?” but I typically shake it off because he’s my best friend’s brother and totally harmless.”

Jillian and Michael are strapped together in preparation to be shoved down the final zip line. Jillian’s smile fades when Michael suggests they try this position later in the bedroom.

Congratulations Michael. You’ve just crossed the line.

Jillian: “You know when you were a kid and you used to spend the night over at your friend’s house and her little brother wouldn’t leave you alone? And you thought it was funny. But then, you reach high school and you are in the bathroom getting ready for bed and the little brother comes in to brush his teeth and he’s not so little anymore and has an amazing six back to boot? And you wonder what the code is for dating little brothers that make you laugh and have transformed from geek to hot? Yeah. That’s what’s going through my head right now.”

The couple drink hot chocolate as Jillian stares Michael up and down wondering if there is a serious bone in this boy’s body. She asks safe questions about pajamas and popcorn, but her face is clearly stating that she is not feeling the obvious connection he has for her. But you can tell she feels this is an enigma and she must get to the bottom of it at dinner in the wine cellar that houses dusty bottles of pink champagne that can be uncorked by whacking the neck with a saber.

Jill decides to dive in with her super serious questions.

Jill: “Is this what you expected? Would you be ready to fall in love?”

Mikey: “I’m a cheese ass if a girl kisses me on the mouth. I immediately fall in love.”

Oh Michael. Michael, Michael, MICHAEL!

Jill: “So why did you sign up for this show?”

Mikey: “I broke up about eight months ago and I have not gone on a date with a girl (or a man) since then.”

Dude. You are reverting back to the 18-year-old. Wait. Are you 18? [A quick check of his bio confirms that he is indeed not 18.] Stop talking now.

Mikey: “I fell in love with the idea of dating you. I tell the guys all the time. You let your hair down and danced the running man with me. That is huge! I know I make a fool of myself at the sacrifice of me looking cool. But I underestimated my infatuation…I mean my crush…I mean my feelings for you. I’m here for the right reasons.”

Jillian tells Michael that she has some concerns about if he is ready to make a commitment, but she is willing to keep her lil’ buddy around for one more week to see if any sparks fly. At the very least, she will be entertained. And she gives him the rose.

He leans forward and they hug it out for a good 10 minutes. As Jillian returns to her upright position, Mike goes in for the kiss and lands somewhere in her chin vicinity. She ruffles his hair and he tells her a knock-knock joke.

Group Date

Wes

ROBBY D!!!

Kiptynite

Fetish

Ed

Jake

Reid

Pizza Guy Mark

“Let’s Call It a Snow Day”

Jake goes out to fetch the date card, which is ever-so-sweetly arranged by the ABC intern on a random end table in the hall with roses and a vanilla-scented candle. He reads off the names. For some reason, this is very exciting. Lots of “hey oh’s” and Michael hollering.

Jillian tells the boys that they are going snow mobile riding. The twist? She will be riding solo and the boys will be doubled up.

Three words: Oh. My. Awesomeness.

Jillian decides that someone can ride with her and she chooses ROBBY D!!! He loves that she takes the lead and he gets to hold on to her waist the entire time. I love that we get some pretty amazing shots of the other boys sitting as far away as physically possible on one snow mobile seat.

ROBBY D!!! apologizes to Jillian that he was such a cheese ass at the last rose ceremony. He claims that that particular moment was the pissiest he’s been in an entire year.

Meanwhile, the other dudes are trying to secure their own masculinity by dogging ROBBY D!!!

Wes: “She’s not interested in him. He’s 25 and doesn’t have a job. If she likes taking care of kids, he’s perfect.”

WHOA. He’s a bartender Wes. And a darn good one too. Have you ever caught a cherry on a toothpick you were holding in your mouth? I don’t THINK so.

Jillian asks ROBBY D!!! about kids and family and if he’s ready to go there even though he is waaayyy younger than her. He looks her in the eye and answers, “Absolutely.”

She hugs it out. Red flag ROBBY D!!! You better go find your stick with a bandana on the end and bring back the kissing Old West boy, because you are entering the Friend Zone.

Fetish comes up and steals Jilly away from ROBBY D!!! Jillian decides it’s now or never to find out who the chump is who has a girlfriend. She reminds Fetish about their deal…one foot massage per piece of information he provides.

He stammers.

Jillian: “You said, that, like, if I like, wanted to know, like, you said you would, like tell me who the person was.”

Fetish: “I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus.”

Jillian removes her ski boot and wooly sock. Fetish stares with wide eyes. He’s never massaged a cold foot in the snow before. Jillian wiggles her toes mere inches from his face.

Fetish brushes the pinky toe, digs deep for all the strength he can muster and tells Jillian to keep her eyes open. He’s confident she will figure it out.

After putting her shoe back on, Jillian finds Wes and they make their own recliners out of a tall snow bank. He calls her baby and the snow literally begins to melt around her. (The Texas drawl can do that to a person.) Wes admits that he got pissed at the rose ceremony and he knows that the guys think he is here for the wrong reasons.

Wes: “Obviously I’m the target. I’m the only one here who is coming out with a CD that drops in September and will be on sale at your local Wal-Mart for the bargain price of $9.99 which includes the song I wrote for you that everyone watching knows by now titled They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy.”

Shut up. Wes is coming out with an album? Who knew?

Wes reminds Jillian that his album has been in the works for years and it is coincidence that his sister (who also happens to be is agent) decided to sign him up for a show that ends at the exact same time his album will be debuting. Then he calls her darlin’ and makes out with her.

Jillian tells the camera that Wes is bad ass with a huge heart. Lincee says that Wes is a cheese ass with a huge ego.

Then Wes straight up tells the camera that there is no doubt the publicity will help his career and he hopes he gets another rose.

I miss Qwhan.

Back at the Fairmont, we find Jake using his Eagle Scout skills to build a fire as Jillian and the other boys sidle up to an ice bar for some whisky shots. After two shots, she’s laughing. After six shots, she’s asked Ed to hoist her up onto the bar so she can dance Coyote Ugly style. After 11 shots, she’s encouraging Kiptynite to feel how cold and wet her butt is after rolling over on her side so he can have an ample amount from which to grab and give an honest assessment of the damage.

Kiptynite: “You are always on my mind. I’m surprised that I feel this way. Are you doing okay? We could tell you were physically upset at the rose ceremony last time. I still don’t know what that was all about.”

Jillian: [hiccup] “I like you. Do you like me? Check yes, no or maybe.”

Kiptynite: “Well, you let me grab your butt five seconds ago. I’m going to go with yes.”

Jillian: “Sometimes I can’t process what you are saying because you are so cute. Wanna make out?”

The ABC camera crew goes in for a tight shot on the pair making out and I prepare myself for the junior high debacle from last week. And I have to say that Kiptynite has upped his game, or Jillian is a better kisser when she is wasted, because they straight up skipped the high school back of the car make out sessions and went immediately in to porn tongue.

Later, Jillian finds Reid. She reminds us that they had a great physical start but have been lacking in the emotional department. She wants to know what he will be like in six years? Reid says that he will have a family that is more adventurous than his own and he begins a story about a camping trip back in the day when he realizes that Jilly’s eyes have glazed over and she might be about to pass out.

Reid: “What was I saying?”

Jillian: [hiccup] “You were talking about how cool you thought I was.”

Reid: “And you smell good too.”

Jillian: “Really? I just threw up in the ladies room before I came in here. You don’t smell that, do you?”

Reid: “No. You smell like snow and flowers. And gasoline.”

Nice.

Jillian: “So who has a girlfriend?”

Reid: “Did you really hear that? I don’t know…except that I do know! Wes and Kip for sure have multiple girlfriends. And I have two wives.”

Probably want to leave that last part out in case the drunk girl thinks this was a real conversation as she’s nursing a headache in the morning Reid. LOOK ALIVE!

Back at the perfectly built fire, Jake and Ed are bonding. Jake notices Ed is moody and asks what is wrong. We later find out that his boss wants him to come home because the business is falling apart without him. He can choose to stay and possibly find love, or he can leave now and have a job. His choice.

Ed: “It really made me think about what I’m doing here. I mean Michael and ROBBY D!!! are just kids. Wes is a douche. I’ll never have a tongue the size of Kiptynite’s and Jake is freaking Mary Poppins…perfect in every way. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

Jillian: “I can’t guarantee anything. You are probably looking at third or a tie for fourth right now. You haven’t picked me up and twirled me and your tongue doesn’t hypnotize me like others. Plus, your accent is nowhere near southern. But there is potential Ed. Stay.”

Jillian ends up giving the rose to Ed to prove that she’s sort of in this if he wants to be. She tells him he can give it back if he changes his mind, but he needs to think about it for a few days. She will understand whatever he chooses to do.

But now…it’s toboggan time!

And in a moment of sheer oh my awesomeness, the boys double up again on the toboggans as they hurl down the mountain.

Second One-On-One Date

Jesse

“It’s Time To Break The Ice”

Jesse is excited that his curling efforts impressed Jillian enough to invite him on this last date. He almost decided to bring his trophy, but then he thought it would get in the way of ice skating.

Come to find out, Jillian is taking him in a plane (no helicopter?) to land on their very own glacier. Then she squeals in delight as he picks her up and twirls her around. Jillian sits in Jesse’s lap as they become awe struck by the view. They continue to move from one side to the other taking in the scenery when the pilot asks them nicely to please take their own seat so he can balance out the weight for landing.

They exit the plane and Jesse carries Jillian over to a deep snow bank and drops her. She gets up and pushes him down. This lasts for the majority of the day. I keep wondering if they are feeling the burn in their quads.

They sit down in the snow and start talking about how this is not only the best date ever, but the best DAY ever.

Jesse: “One Christmas, when I was six-years-old, I got one of those big Tonka trucks. It was the best Christmas ever. This has totally trumped that moment.”

Jillian: “Awwwwwww!”

Lincee: “I have the same feeling about Malibu Barbie. I guess I get it.”

Jillian: “So how are you feeling about me and this whole thing?”

Jesse: “After we were on the boat, there was a connection. You are driven and independent and everything I’m looking for, but no matter how this ends, I will remember you forever.”

Jill admits to the camera that she looked at Jesse differently after that. Could this boy have marriage potential?

Jillian suggests they write their name in the snow.

Jesse: “Yellow snow?”

Lincee: “Hey! You stole my line!”

Jillian dissolves into a fit of giggling and squealing.

Back at dinner, Jillian asks Jesse about his ex-girlfriend. She wants to know if it’s too soon to get involved with someone. He says that there is no way it would have worked and actually went on too long. He is ready to be selfish and find someone he can commit to.

Jillian wants to know where he will be when he’s 35.

Jesse: “I’m going to own a successful wine bar and have a lovely wife and kids.”

Jillian stares at him in wonder and amazement. He just worked her three favorite words into one sentence: wife, kids, wine. Whoo hoo!

Now it’s Jesse’s turn to ask the questions. He wants to know if she would ever leave Vancouver and begin a life somewhere else…say in Nappa Valley?

Jillian: “I would totally move cities for a guy that I was hot for. In a heartbeat. And if they had a winery? I’d move tomorrow.”

This goes on for about 10 minutes. We think Jesse is listening intently, but we later find out that he is transfixed by her raspy, sexy voice. He loves it. Jillian practically calls him a cheese ass for thinking this, because everyone knows that her voice is annoying as nails on a chalkboard.

Amen sister. You said it.

Jesse disagrees and says it has more of a 1-900 feel. And then admits it is arousing. He issues a challenge with himself that he will take it to the next level in the hot tub.

And boy does he play his cards well.

Jesse’s back is up against the hot tub edge and Jillian is to his side, sort of facing him and yacking away about the day. She says that she loved being with him and he claimed that she would have had a great time with any of the guys.

Jesse: “The situation we were in was awesome.”

Jillian: “Wicked awesome.”

Jesse: “You could have had fun with anyone, but I want to prove to you that I was the right guy in that situation.”

Jillian leaning in his 18-inches of personal space: “And how are you going to do that?”

Jesse: “How can I ever describe this day to anyone else besides you?”

Jillian straddling him: “You don’t have to.”

It is at this point that the moment was sort of ruined for me because Jesse was wallowing something around in his mouth. An after dinner peppermint perhaps? Were they sharing another bag of beef jerky?

I guess it didn’t really matter, because Jillian is giving Jesse every shade of green light imaginable before he goes in for the kill.

One can not tell if he was a good kisser, because Gary the ABC camera man goes all artistic on us and insists on shooting the hot tub scene backlit so the steam rising will make it look more intimate with shadows, plus it will offer a great analogy that they have a steamy relationship.

It must have been pretty good, because afterwards, Jesse said he was glowing and Jillian said there were major sparks.

The next day, Jillian gets a call from Ed asking her to come to his room. He has decided to go back to work and needs to let Jillian down gently.

Ed: “After our date, I felt like everything was perfect. But some things have transpired. I talked with my boss and I’m not being fair to them. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have to leave.”

Jillian: “I know this sounds like pouting and that I told you that I would support your decision, but this is hard. I really, really, really liked you. I guess you had NO IDEA what you were signing up for, but whatever. I’m glad you are figuring this out now and not down the road on the After the Rose show like Melissa. Just promise me that you will never put work before love again.”

Ed: “I realize that I’m letting you down, but I would be letting six or seven people down if I didn’t leave.”

Jillian rolls her eyes and they hug. There was a lot of snotting in the muffled microphone and a pitiful little “sorry” from Ed. He tells her he is keeping the rose because he doesn’t think anyone else should have it.

Prediction: Ed will be back somewhere down the line.

Ed walks Jillian to the door and she grabs him around the hips because she can’t reach his waste and holds on for dear life. She begins to cry. She is not ready to let go. Ed peels her away and points her in the direction of the elevator, which happens to be right beside his door. She awkwardly waits for the elevator as Ed stares at her back. The door opens, she enters and is gone from his life FOREVER!

Jillian: “I am a hoot and a catch. Ed weighs his priorities differently than I do. I also threw away everything I had to find love. And I am pretty sure that I’m not going to get back. It scares me but I have no regrets. I wish he could have taken that risk.”

Ed packs his own bags in the back of the suburban and bids Canada adieu. He feels frustrated and sad.

I feel jealous of all the Chicago ladies who are currently trying to find a way to get a technical consultant from Ed this morning.

Jillian finds her favorite sweater with the attached fingerless Madonna gloves and goes for a gondola ride up the mountain to think about what has transpired. She wonders if she is good enough and decides that applying three times the amount of eye makeup and her favorite gold dress that looks like a fancy dinner napkin is just the ticket to cheer herself up.

Rose Ceremony

Jillian sits down with Hare to discuss her mood. It’s so cute to see Our Host’s expression when he pretends to not know that Ed left the Fairmont mere hours ago.

Hare: “Wow. With Ed leaving, you must be devastated. Weren’t you guys totally falling in love? Honestly. I really need you to be dramatic now, because this episode is lame and I can’t say ‘most dramatic rose ceremony’ because only one dude will be going home and we both know who it is so I need you to work with me here.”

Jillian wipes away a tear.

Hare: “Good, good. There’s no need to talk. I’ll do all the talking. You are more emotional now than you were with Jason. I guess Ed was a front runner?”

Jillian: “By no means was he the one.”

Hare: “Really? What about Tanner?

Jillian: “The foot thing got me nowhere on the snow mobile. I’m wondering if he’s lying about that too. He needs to focus on me and my feet and forget everything else.”

Hare: “Interesting. How about Jake?”

Jillian: “Jake will hate that I say this, but he is too perfect.”

Hare: “Tell me about it. That was one amazing fire. What about Mark?”

Jillian: “Who?”

Hare: “Mark. You know…the Pizza Guy.”

Jillian: “Oh riiiiight. Mark the Pizza Guy. I dunno. He’s never said he liked me.”

Hare: “Did you do that check yes, no, maybe thing like you did with Kiptynite?”

Jillian: “Nope.”

Hare: “Think about it Jillian…free pizza for life!”

Jillian: “I dunno.”

Hare: “How about Wes?”

Jillian: “Now you’re talking! He makes me happy.”

Hare: “They do say that love don’t come easy.”

Jillian: “Who’s they?”

Hare: “Never mind. Let’s skip the party and get to business. Now go put Ed’s picture on the Rejected Bureau of Shame and find me when you are done.”

Roses go to:

Michael

Jesse

Reid

Kiptynite

ROBBY D!!!

Jake

Fetish

Wes

Pizza Guy Mark is stuck with the lonely walk back to the gondola. I can’t help but wonder if he accidently left his suit pants at home, or if there was an incident with the Fairmont iron.

And here we go. It’s the moment we all rewound at least seven times in order to fully understand just what Our Host Chris Harrison was saying in his “next week” b-roll package.

I took the liberty of transcribing word for word:

This season the overnight fantasy dates turn into every guy’s worst nightmare. [This is not exactly as we had planned.] One of our Bachelors experienced a certain problem in the bedroom. [I felt like I failed. Fears got in the way of the moment.] Everything was there and I couldn’t wait to be in that setting. But the romance was not there. [I guess this pressure has affected the physical intimacy of your relationship.]

Surely. SURELY WITH ALL THAT IS LOVELY AND PURE WITH THIS SHOW THAT WE WILL NOT LEARN ONE OF THESE DUDES AS ERECTILE DYSTFUNCTION. ON NATIONAL TV. FOR EVERYONE TO WITNESS.

Please Lord. Please, please let it be a migraine. Or food poisoning. I’ll even take a case of the stomach squirts. But please. For the sake of my heart and my sanity, do not make me write erectile dysfunction ever again. I think three times is enough for one website.

Amen.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee