iHateGreenBeans

My deadline has been met! Thanks for your patience. This has been two weeks in a row that I’ve been tardy in posting my recap. You guys are truly great sports for coming back and hitting refresh nine times a day. How glorious was it when you hit refresh this time and something other than Mike Brady and Larry Bird popped up?

I’d like to include a mini disclaimer before the standard disclaimer.

We are renovating our office and the painters have been here since 10:00 this morning. I didn’t notice a difference in air quality until I left for lunch. When I came back through the doors, a waft of Sherwin-Williams’ Sand Pebble #42 nearly knocked me down. Since then, I’ve had a headache, twitchy left eye and seem to be speaking at a rapid pace for no apparent reason. (So I’ve been told.)

I’m also listening to my Hair Band playlist and that always puts me in an aggressive mood.

Read on at your own risk. You’ve been warned.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Oh Jill. Aren’t you cute walking along the Hawaiian beach in your adorable yellow and white striped bikini? (Pay no attention to the camel toe readers.) You want to frolic in the surf? Go ahead dear. We will watch you from here. So sweet. And now you are drawing in the sand. How wistful and childlike of you. What’s that you are writing? A big heart? With something in the middle?

J + ?

I’m sorry ABC, but that was chach-tastic.

J + ? = lame

First Fantasy Date
Kiptynite

Jillian tells the camera that she is nervous about a date with Kip. Why is she nervous?

Jillian: “I have anxiety because I know he is good looking.”

What the crap Jillian? Where is the spunky, confident girl who we knew last season? And when did you get all caught up in looks? Yes. We know he has a nine pack, but that can’t be the only thing you focus on girl. Try having a conversation with him. Reject the abs when he pulls them out and talk about his job. Or his family. Wait. Scratch that. His Mom is psycho. Talk about movies or music or books. Anything. Stop being caught up on his looks, okay?

The twosome meet in the middle of a very long suspension bridge. They take in the view for a few minutes and then Jill drives them to a ropes course.

Nothing says romance like a dorky helmet and the fear of blowing chunks on top of a 90-foot totem pole.

Jillian: “I want to see that Kip has an element of adventure aboot him. With adventure comes trust and that is so huge to me. When things get tough in life, I want to know that he is there for me. What if I have a bad hair day? What if someone on the street calls me fat? Or what if Oprah is a rerun and I have nothing to do from 4:00 to 5:00? Kip is going to need to man up. And walking aboot on a horizontal ladder made of dental floss will certainly give me an indication of how Kip operates in stressful situations. This is the most important date I’ve ever been on. I hope he passes the test.”

Kip goes first in every obstacle and admits to the camera that he was touched by Jillian’s lack of I-am-woman-hear-me-roar side. He liked that she could be vulnerable. He liked that she was goofy. He also didn’t seem to mind that she kissed him before, during and after every challenge.

Interesting. This bugged the crap out of me.

Jillian: “Kip is so cute on the ropes course. All I can think about is how he looks like a baby giraffe!”
Lincee: Really? Because all I can think about is his junk.

Let’s take a moment to talk about the gear that is used during a ropes course. It’s very…how shall I say…NOTICABLE that a guy’s package is going to be front and center when climbing into one of those harnesses. HELLO KIP’S JUNK. NICE TO MEET YOU.

The last obstacle is called the “Leap of Faith.” If Jillian wasn’t hyperventilating out of fear, I’m sure we would have heard a sweet soliloquy on the irony that this obstacle is called “Leap of Faith” and she and Kip are taking a leap of faith.

Instead, she’s breathing in through the nose and out the mouth, trying to think calming thoughts while maintaining a cool, calm, collected exterior in front of Kip. Unfortunately, her white pasty face, sweaty brow and trembling body gave her away.

Kip is at the top of his totem pole. He scaled it, no problem, and is standing in the “tree pose” waiting for Jillian to summon the nerve to join him. When she finally decides to stand erect on her totem pole, Kip is coaching her every step of the way.

Kip: “Take a breath. You have to believe. Just do it.”
Jillian: “Aren’t you scared? Look how far away that bar is?”
Kip: “I’m excited and 98 percent sure I’m going to catch the bar. It’s what I do. I succeed. Get used to it darling.”
Jillian: “Will you blow me a kiss?”
Kip: “Absolutely.”
Jillian: “Can we make out when we get to the bottom?”
Kip: “It may take a few minutes for me to be lowered since I will have caught the bar, but yes dear. When I get down there, I am going to give you the most perfect kiss you’ve ever experienced. Ready? 3…2…1…JUMP!”

Kip catches his bar.
Jillian is miles away from hers and falls toward the ground.

Kiptynite tells the camera that he is proud of Jillian for just trying and he thinks they would make an incredible couple.

Jillian tells the camera that she still has a bit of uneasiness that Kip has admitted to being the dumper and not the dumpee. She does not want her heart broken…again…so she will have to drill Kip with some hard questions at dinner.

Jillian: “I like how you coached me through the obstacle course today. It made me think you are way cooler than the cool I already thought you were. Which brings me to my first serious question—do you have any flaws?
Kip: “Of course I do Jillian. I can’t Flamenco dance. I have a hard time remembering to change my oil every three months. I sometimes feel I am too involved with charitable work. And ab number eight is not as defined as the other ones. Here…take a look.”

Kip lifts his shirt and Jill is sucked in.

Kip: “I also can be impatient. And I typically have one foot in and one foot out of relationships.”

Fight the power of the abs Jill. FIGHT IT! DO YOU HEAR WHAT HE IS SAYING?

Jillian: “My biggest fear is that we fall in love and when things don’t go perfectly, you will dump me.”
Kip: “I’m perfect enough for the both of us. If I had a doubt, I wouldn’t be here.”

Jill takes his confession as some divine sign that he is in this whole-heartedly and invites him to the forego suite. The camera zooms in on a lot of making out and rubbing of arms and backs as they lay in the forego bed with rose petals all over it.

Jillian tells us that she is no longer afraid that she’s falling in love with a bunch of qualities she wants in a husband on paper. She’s falling in love with Kip.

Second Fantasy Date
Reid

I love Reid.

Jillian tells us that she has a special romantic date set up with Reid. I was a little ticked off that it was in an abandoned field with nothing but a beach ball. How is this fair? But Reid made it all better when he said it didn’t matter where they were…all he wanted to do was make out with her.

Man of my dreams.

However, right after this exchange, she looked funny. She had an emptiness in her eyes that reminded me a lot of the time Jake had his train confession.

As they are lamely kicking a beach ball around…

Wait. Seriously ABC intern. This is the best you could do? I know that the helicopter was late and you needed to kill time, but surely there was a fluffy blanket, bottle of champagne and 3,000 candles in your bag of tricks that you could have pulled out, right? A beach ball? In a field? Head in the game dude.

As they are lamely kicking a beach ball around…

Wait. Seriously Jillian and Reid. Kicking a beach ball? I think batting it back and forth or maybe a little volleyball action would have made more sense. Why are you kicking it on the ground? And why are you even playing with the ball in the first place? Here’s an idea: go under that palm tree over there and play 20 questions. There’s a wise use of time. Head in the game guys.

As they are lamely kicking a beach ball around, the helicopter finally lands in the middle of the deserted field.

Reid: “This will be my first helicopter ride.”
Jillian: “Really? I’ve always wanted to go in a helicopter!”
Reid: “Haven’t you been twice this season?”
Jillian: “Um. I mean…let’s kiss!”

The pilot is a delightful man who gives all sorts of information on the island, the foliage, the waterfall and the fact that he is an ordained minister.

Hey ohhhhh! Jillian jokes that they should get this party started and get married right then! Reid has a funny look aboot him that Jillian can’t quite distinguish. Where has she seen that look before?

Oh yeah. It was her on top of the totem pole.

Strike one Reid.

Miraculously, the ABC Intern has fashioned a nice little picnic on the grounds, complete with squishy pillows, champagne and what appears to either be raw purple onion or eggplant.

Jillian: “Did I freak you out when I talked about marriage in the chopper?”
Reid: “No.”
Jillian gives a blank stare.

Reid: “I’m afraid…the time frame is intimidating…I mean I have feelings, but… sometimes I feel…it’s rushed, I know…for someone…like me being put in situation…it’s hard…I’m definitely feeling…you with other guys is…”
Jillian: “Suck it up and tell me how you feel.”

Reid: “I like you this much.”

Reid opens his arms wide and Jillian decides that they can try again at dinner.

Strike two Reid.

But wait…maybe there’s hope for our beloved Reid after all:

Jillian: “I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before. A feeling I never knew existed. Reid is the one I relate to the most, but I just need him to tell me how he is feeling. You know…does he think I’m hot? I don’t know. He won’t tell me. He just blabs on about me being smart and structured and full of potential. What about my body? What about my hair? These are important opinions that need to be voiced.”

At dinner, Reid talks to Jillian with his mouth full of food. Noticeably, they are comfortable. Then they sit forehead to forehead and talk about how Jillian is happy to move to Philadelphia. Clearly, they are meant for each other.

Jillian: “Would you propose at the end of this journey?”
Lincee: Well crap.
Reid: “Wow. You are really putting on the pressure. Am I ready to propose? Maybe. Possibly. I don’t know.”

Strike three Reid. You’re out.

Regardless, Jillian pulls out the forego card and asks Reid if he wants to get down in the fancy suite. Reid says he has no reason to say yes or no, because he was denied already once in Spain, so what does it matter? Jillian says that she wants to take advantage of the time and make it memorable.

And they do this by sitting in the biggest, most obnoxious bubble bath in the history of this reality show.

The intern pours 18 of the tiny little hotel bubble bath bottles into the water. The ABC cameraman pans the floor and we see discarded clothing leading up to a wall of suds that extends both Reid and Jillian’s heads. There are literally nine million candles lit and a close up of Reid mugging down with Jillian shows a bead of sweat pouring from his temple region.

And all I could think about is the time Chandler and Monica are in a bath and Monica hides under the bubbles when Joey comes in to ask if Chandler wants some chicken.

It was pretty much the opposite of oh my awesomeness.

Fantasy Date Three
Ed

Jillian decides that the best date to have with Ed is one that allows them to lay around horizontally. No beach balls. No ropes courses. Just the sand, the sea and shorty, green shorts.

Jillian: “I’m really confused about Ed. I mean, he left, but he came back. I’m going to need a huge sign that let’s me know he is in this.”

Ed runs to meet Jillian on the yacht and tells her in one sentence that he missed her terribly and that she is not only gorgeous with her tan, but sexy as well.

Jillian: “Did you hear? Ed thinks I’m sexy and he missed me! Hello sign!”

Ed tells Jillian that he thinks about her every day.

Jillian: “What…you don’t think about work?”
Lincee: SNAP!
Ed: “Nope. I’m happy where I am. I can’t very well wear my green, shorty shorts in Chicago, now can I?”

Ed tells a story about how his family calls him Richie. Jillian asks Ed if he thinks she’s pretty. Ed invites her into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist as he jumps off the side of the yacht into the water. Jillian is in love.

We see the ever-popular fantasy date crotch shots that ABC is so fond of making us suffer through. Lots of underwater kicking and swimming and general unnecessary-ness.

About this time is when we also realize that Ed has some unfortunate issues with chest hair growth formation. We were able to further scrutinize due to his vintage terrycloth tank top. It was kelly green with charcoal piping.

Ed wraps Jillian up in a huge beach towel. She feels dainty and cute that the whole thing covered her from head to toe. Ed tells her that he feels he is at a disadvantage that she didn’t get to meet his family because he was away that week making work a priority instead of her. But he has flown them in special just to meet her.

Jillian jumps for joy and begins to make out with Ed again.

Jillian: “Rich has done two very smart things. First…he came back. Second…he flew is family in. He must be loaded! It melted my heart.”

Jillian is going 90-miles-per-hour when she meets Ed’s parents.

Jillian: “Richie is wicked awesome. He listens to ME. He knows what is important to ME and cares about ME and wants to prove to ME that he is willing to go above and beyond for ME!”

Why is Ed still in the green, shorty shorts and terry tank? It’s a valid question I think.

Jillian babbles on about how Ed is exactly what she is looking for…tall, dark and handsome. Then she realizes that she should include qualities other than physical appearance.

Jillian: “Rich is loyal, honest, steadfast and true. He loves Christmas. I LOVE CHRISTAMAS! And I love playing cards.”

Ed’s Mom nearly busts a gut at hearing this news and invites “Jo Ann” to visit with her outside so they can talk about the wonder that is Richie.

Meanwhile, Dad and Richie have a little discussion of their own.

Dad: “Son…why are we here?”

I thought this was hilarious! Was Ed not able to tell them because he signed his life away with a contract? Was Dad confused in Jillian’s role? Was Dad overwhelmed by Jillian’s charm that he was trying to be encouraging to Ed?

Ed tells his Dad that his job can take a back seat and that not being with Jillian would be a mistake. He said he would propose if she picked him. He has to pull the trigger.

Oh the irony.

Big Ed tells his son that when two people have feelings, things will work out. Then he starts to cry and tells Rich he just wants him to be happy.

Awwwww! But at the same time, I’m thinking he’s a little jet lagged.

Big Ed goes outside to meet Jillian and tells her that she is awesome. Then the pair go down to the beach, Ed in his green, shorty shorts and Jillian in her shorty denim skirt, and read the forego card together as the sun sets.

Jillian: “Since Ed brought his family in to meet me personally, I want to focus on the romance as much as possible tonight. And that will be easy with Ed. He is so sexy. Tall, olive skin and great smile.”

Ed and Jillian make out for a while on the couch with some “romantic” Hawaiian music playing in the background. It seemed a bit on the forced side to me. A little too much ukulele for my taste, but whatever.

Ed: “I want to make this work. I want to balance my life. You can help me do that. You would help me be better at life. I would love for you to be the reason for me to not work.”

She’s done. They show a montage of Ed and Jillian in a chair with her on his lap. Ed and Jillian on the couch with her feet in his lap. Ed and Jillian at the balcony with every one of her appendages wrapped around his body. But then, he picks her up and carries her to the forego bed.

I expected a few shots of them making out and then the standard shot of Ed getting up and shutting the door or closing the blinds.

When Jill got up, I thought that the producers were spicing it up a bit and having HER shut the door or close the blinds.

I did NOT expect our sweet, little Polly Pocket to go to the bathroom and change into what can only be described as a short night shirt made of cheese cloth. Perhaps gossamer? Whatever. My point is that it was virtually see through.

This is the girl who was embarrassed that her Dad saw her making out in a hot tub last season? Hey Jillian! I CAN SEE HALF OF YOUR LEFT BOOB.

And if that’s not enough, I begin to get uncomfortable when she pulls out the rubbing oils. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Oil. Rubbing. Legs. Arms. Belly. Unfortunate chest hair. Crotch regions. Backs. Necks. Thighs. Upper thighs. On and on and on and on. This was so Cinemax After Dark.

To top if off, due to the of process of elimination, we know Ed is the one with erectile dysfunction So I’m just more uncomfortable knowing that awkward moment is coming.

I did NOT expect to witness the aftershocks of the blessed event.

After a romantic shot of the light going off, Gary the ABC camera guy shoots the ocean waves, the moon, the palm trees blowing in the wind, the money shot of the Westin hotel sign and then back to the window where the lights come back on.

We find Ed laying on his stomach and Jillian straggling his back. I’m thinking back spasm maybe? Surely not erectile dysfunction. Then we hear a voiceover from Jillian.

“The fantasy date did not exactly go like we planned. I mean, we were sunburned and it had been a huge day. Lots of stress. My hands were all over him but there was nothing there.”

To top it off, we get this voiceover from Ed:

“I was nervous. It didn’t happen. I couldn’t show her that I was in love with her. I don’t know how to react.”

Using apparent and obvious context clues, I’m going with erectile dysfunction.

Survey says?

Rose Ceremony
Jillian tells us that her initial fear was not falling in love at all. As luck would have it, she has feelings for all four guys. Who would have thought? She sits down with Our Host Chris Harrison (yeah!) to talk about the boys.

Jillian: “I’m happy knowing that I’m crazy about these guys. I am confused of what I’m supposed to do. I’m falling in love with more than one. Kip is crazy hot. He is too good to be true and I’m afraid he’s going to break my heart.”
OHCH: “Makes perfect sense. This means that more than likely, you will keep him. Go on.”

Jillian: “Reid is exactly how I would describe my future hubby. He makes me laugh. But he has not been able to tell me that I am awesome and that he wants me forever.”
OHCH: “But he’s exactly what you want in a husband and you know he likes you?”

Jillian: “Can it Hare. Ed adores me and that’s important.”
OHCH: “I heard he couldn’t get it up.”
Jillian: “They make pills for that.”

VIDEO MESSAGES
Kip: “Jillian. I can see myself falling in love with you. I’m not saying I’ll do that, but anything is possible. Take a leap of faith so we can light this world on fire. And all this can be yours.”

He lifts up his shirt and Jillian glazes over.

Reid: “Spending the night with you was the best night of my life. It’s given me more insight to my emotions. I’ve avoided your questions. Not because I don’t know how I feel. My feelings have grown so strong so quickly. I’m scared but excited. When our eyes met…I knew we had something then. Keep your honey bear around so we can see where we are headed.”

Ed: “Blah, blah, blah. I love you.”

Naturally, we know that Reid is going home. In Our Host Chris Harrison’s words, he will be “Going home. On a plane. TONIGHT.”

And to top it off, Jillian pulls Ed aside to talk about his little “problem” and he assures her that he will “have it taken care of” if she just gives him one more shot. I’m not sure I would have done so.

Because his outfit was straight up atrocious. Seriously. He looked like he came out of a Charlie’s Angels sitcom. Maybe his whole wardrobe choice this trip was a tribute to the late, great Farrah Fawcett.

Let’s hope.

Jilly gives roses to Kip and Ed and poor Reid looks so defeated.

Our Host Chris Harrison steps up, looks a little forlorn and tells Reid to take a moment to say his alohas.

It’s good to have you back Chris.

On the way to the rejection bench, Reid tells Jillian that he hopes she made the right move, because she doesn’t look completely sure.

Jillian: “You define everything I’m looking for in a husband.”
Reid: “Great. So what’s the problem?”
Jillian: “You are goofy and fun and I want that. But I’m willing to make sacrifices. You are not.”

Reid pulls her close and they cry on each other’s shoulders. Then they sit forehead to forehead again and think about what might have been.

Reid: “I don’t know what to say.”
Jillian: “No joke. You have a problem with that and I need words of affirmation. That’s why we are on the rejection bench together.”

They hug at the limo, Reid hops in and gives one last glance as the limo pulls away very slowly. At first, Reid kills the psychotherapist with silence. But then he opens up. Meanwhile, Jillian is crying at the rejection bench. Her falsies are falling off.

Reid: “I wish I could have opened up to her the way I should have. This is a tough moment. A surprising moment. I could really see myself with her. I was falling in love with her. I don’t think she even knows that.”

Hey Reid…call me.

Ed swoops in like Cowboy Dillweed and tells her that he appreciates her keeping him around. Jillian cries on his shoulder and he rocks her sweetly as Kiptynite does a set of 100 crunches nearby.

Big things are in store for the coming weeks! Jason and Molly are back at the Men Tell All. There is some weird “Wile Weekend in Vegas” with past contestants, I’m going to post about how my friend Katie lost 27 pounds in 30 days (this is not a joke) and then the FINALE!

What do you guys think the unexpected confession is that makes Jillian question everything?

Oh…and are you missing your Jake fix? IHGB readers Amy and Stacy were nice enough to share THIS with you all!

Thanks for waiting so long for the post! Until next week,

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee