On Saturday I received a call from my friend Kyle. (You remember him, right? He’s my American Idol blogger. You’ve laughed with/at him here, here, here and don’t forget here.)
Anyway, Kyle tells me this story about how he had received his first massage EVER the day before. The tale lasted about 10 minutes and I have to say that it’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a while. I asked him to be a dear and write it all down so I could post it for your viewing pleasure.
And of course, he obliged:
For a thank you present after an amazing banquet, our committee gave us an hour-long massage gift certificate. I have never really been excited about the idea of getting a massage. This is mainly because I am 100 percent sure that I would act/ do/ or say something stupid and really be a huge dork while making things awkward, because let’s face it–it’s kind of what I do. But I had only heard good things about the process, so I decided to take the leap and let a stranger put their hands ALL over my body.
Walking into the beautiful Massage Parlor was kind of a surreal experience. Let me back up a little. Getting ready for the event, I was a little confused about what I should wear, or what I shouldn’t wear. Kind of felt like a first date.
So walking into the place felt a little taboo. I am going to throw this out there…I kind of felt like I was getting a hooker. I have never gotten a hooker, but really that is the only thing I can compare this too. Sitting there filling out some paperwork, I was kind of giddy, but in a weird way. I was awkwardly laughing/snickering and smiling non stop, because I had NOOOOOO idea how to act in the room. And when I say I had no idea how to act, I really mean I HAD NO FREAKING IDEA how to act. And when that happens, I just get mouth diarrhea and can not shut up.
Needless to say, there was a lot of that going on.
My girl walks out all professionally and welcomes me into the room. It was fantastic in that room. Other than being the size of my palm, the music was great, lighting dim and it smelt like eucalyptus leaves.
Well…she told me it was that smell. She could have told me it was Seaweed Ginger and I would have believed her.
And here is when the awkwardness begins.
She takes me into the room and before she can speak, I say, “So this is my first time and I am going to let you know that I don’t know how to act. I have never done this before, so I am probably going to moan or grunt a lot.”
Yep. Those words came out. She told me not to worry. She said she was going to leave so I could undress. She said I could keep my boxers on and instructed me to get under the covers on my stomach. When she left, I got that smile on my face again, because I felt kind of dirty for some unknown reason. I then proceed to strip on down to my Homer Simpson boxers (worn just for this special occasion) and lay on my stomach under the covers.
Remember: I do not know massage protocol.
I hear a knock on the door to which I reply, rather loudly “COME IN!”
She walks in and the first thing I say is, “Sorry. I didn’t know if I should cover all the way up, or just mid back or …”
She stops me and tells me to just lay there and she will take care of everything.
She then proceeds to rub me down. I notice throughout the whole thing that she is spraying lotion out of a bottle. Even though there are bottles everywhere, I know she is not holding one. I figure out later that she has a lotion holster. That’s right. A holster for her lotion. Absolutely amazing.
I start to get more comfortable as she works on my back. The next thing I know, I’m asleep. I wake up when she is moving my arm and I jerk it out of her hands and kind of jump up. She gets a little startled but assures me that it’s OK. This happens a few more times. Once the back is done, she asks me to roll on my back.
At this point I am all relaxed and feeling good. I roll over, eyes watering because I was asleep and she pulls the blanket up to cover my chest. For some reason, a reason I can not tell you why, I pull down the blanket to my boxers. She looks at me all weird and asks if everything is OK.
Me: “Yeah. This is great. Thank you. Are you going to do my chest now?”
Her: “No, I was thinking about doing your shoulders.”
Me: “That would be great.”
I close my eyes. I notice she isn’t moving. I open my eyes and see her kind of looking strangely.
Me: “Would it be better if I pulled the blanket up?”
Her: “Yeah. That would be great.”
At that point, I decided to not talk anymore.
The end was much like the beginning, except this time she told me to put on my clothes and wait for her. Only I don’t think I heard the “wait” part and decided to walk out. As I am checking out, I hear my little friend walking around the parlor asking where I was. She wasn’t done. She needed to give me my water.
And that’s the end. I may or may not be welcome in that particular parlor ever again, but it was a great rub own. I recommend it to all. Just don’t yell “COME IN” or wear Homer Simpson boxers. At least if you are over the age of eight.
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I’m sure Kyle isn’t the only person who had an interesting experience at a massage parlor. We want to hear your stories. Don’t be scared. I’m in a laughing mood! Change your name and share your tales in the comment section!
My Dad told me tales of the massage parlors in Saigon. I heard rumors about the Romanian chicks’ massage parlor at Al Taqquadum, Iraq, but this is a family blog so I won’t share.
Funny stuff with your blogger buddy.
So I don’t have a entertaining story of my own, but this is probably one of my favorite bloggers ever. He and his girlfriend went to Vietnam… and got a massage. And here’s their story: http://redactedblog.blogspot.com/2009/10/that-time-i-was-in-asia-massage-in.html
so this made me think of the episode of Friends where Phoebe gives Monica a massage and Monica makes all the noises! too funny!
And my own massage story, I’m just hyper-sensitive to touch and ended up giggling a lot during the one and only time I got a massage. It was embarassing.
That was friggin hilarious. My eyes are watering and my nose is running. Thanks alot!!!
HI-LARIOUS!!! I don’t blame him though…I was all weirded out the first time I got a massage too. lol
Erin – that story was funny too.
Thanks for sparing us the details Sgt. Cole! lol
I don’t have anything too funny- I have fallen asleep and jerked awake… Oh yeah- and drooled!!
As a licenced massage therapist (LMT) I can tell you that you are not alone. Most people generally are uncomfortable on their first time and as a therapist I/we can tell that it is your first time and that you are nervous. However everybody makes sure that they tell you how nervous they are…..you are not alone there. For some reason people never know where to put there drape, for it to be at your waist, for you to be uncovered, or what. Honestly, we will put it where we need it when we get to that point. Your job is to lay there and relax and not worry about it. Some first timers even lay on top of the sheets and it always happens with the people that decide not to leave their underwear on……. I politely go back outside the door and turn away as I tell them to kindly get underneath the sheets and I will shortly return when they have done so.
I once had a client that was a 92 year old male and his daughter had given him the gift certificate as a gift. He was very uncomfortable with the situation because it was such a foreign concept to him to allow a woman that wasn’t his wife to massage him in the dark with him practically undressed, he was appalled. He actually ended up insisting that I leave the lights on, blow out the candle and crack my office door a bit. Along with not taking off his pants, belt or shoes!
I am sure that you jerking your arm was starling to your therapist, but not unusual, we have all been slapped, kicked and even lightly screamed at on occasion for starling the client. You are a typical nervous first timer and you should not feel embarrassed to return. Kyle, I hope this encourages you to return to a therapist for another massage, if you enjoyed your experience.
Poor Kyle! Your virgin massage experience sounds hilarious. I remember thinking how my first massage experience was SO uncomfortable that I couldn’t even relax I kept thinking..what’s the point of paying money to get someone to relax me when I’m too stressed to even breathe?? Is the sheet going to fall down? She isn’t going to touch me there is she?? Fortunately, I made myself go back again and it got easier each time. Now, I can barely drive home from the “massage buzz”.
Erin (#2) – Thanks for that link. I got a huge laugh out of that blog.
so i can’t believe I have a temporary forum in which to share my ALL-TIME favortie massage story. I am huge fan of massages & have been going fairly regularly for while, thanks to an office job with countless hours at a computer, which gives me horrible knots in my necks & shoulders, & I HIGHLY recommend them, provided the massage therapist behaves professionally & you’re not left feeling awkward or dirty. ANYHOO, a good freind of mine is also a big massage fan. She leads quite the pampered life, & was on a business trip with her husband at some uber-chic hotel. While he is in a business conference, she decides to pamper herself & makes an appt for a massage at this super chic hotel spa. So her massage therapist for that time slot is a man, which doesn’t bother her since she’s long since been de-flowered in the massage dept. About 40 minutes into this whole pampering massage, Mr oh-so-professional masseur ends up passing gas as he’s kneading her back. By about the 3rd incident she can stand it no longer & asks to be excused, & complains about him to the front desk! Yes, I am somewhat juvenile & *still* LOL over that whole scenario, as I’m certain she didn’t request “aromatherapy” during the massage! Moral of the story: you may want to ask what your massage therapist had for breakfast/lunch!
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried at this post and the link from Erin…and then I think back to my massage while on a cruise and making out with the very hot therapist. Best massage I ever had….
A quick, should-be-obvious correction to my earlier post… “one of my favorite bloggers ever– second only to Lincee…”. Obbbbbbviously
)
Oh I definitely have a good one.
My husband and I were in Aruba on our honeymoon and went to get a couples massage. I explained the process to him and he made the executive decision that he would feel more comfortable with a woman.
He called to schedule the appointment and specified that we would both like to have a female masseuse. For this next part, please keep in mind he is 6′5″ and 215 lbs. So we are in the wafting room and they hand us robes and slippers and show us to the locker rooms. Now, knowing I was going to have a woman, I get down to my skivvies – yup, that’s right completely nude. When I come out I see my husband sitting there in a robe that falls right below his knees and slippers that were clearly made for size 8 (not 12) feet. I, on the other hand, have a robe that is dragging on the floor and I have to shuffle over to him so the slippers stay on. The image of him sitting there, blushing, still makes me laugh out loud. So there where are with little iguana running by us when we were called into the room. A man that sounded and looked like an Italian GOD walks into the room. The hubbers, who was lying on his stomach, grabs the edge of the table and props himself up. He frantically looks from side to side to see if this guy is staying or dropping off towels (imagine George on Seinfeld in the massage episode – “I think it moved Jerry!”). Oh yeah, he’s staying. His partner, female, comes over to my side. Now I start to giggle uncontrollably imaging the thoughts that are running through his head. Antonio (as I like to call him) bends down and whispers into my husband’s ear, “It’s OK, I massage you?” in a soft, sultry accent. My New Englander husband looks over at him and says, “Sorry buddy, you’re going to have to take her.” Giggling stopped.
Moral of this one…he would rather a hunky man massage his naked wife than him!!!
This has to be one of the funniest threads ever! I must be a massage hussy – because I used to have to go monthly (worked in a hospital with radiation and wore a 14 pound lead apron most of the day) and even my first time, I plopped myself on the table and was completely relaxed. I would see the therapist so frequently that we became friends – so I gave my hubby (then, just the BF) a gift of a massage. Naturally, I made the appointment with my friend. Lets just say he was horrifically embarrassed! I laughed until I had tears streaming down my cheeks when he came out of the room – he was beet red and sweaty from his nerves. So much for relaxation. He never went back LOL!
You guys are hilarious! I’ve been reading these to my bf, and he is equally amused!
I am rolling!
One Valentine’s Day, I got my husband (boyfriend at the time) a massage as a present. His best friend told me it would be a great idea, so I called the spa that I always went to and when they asked if he wanted anyone in particular, I told them no, because when I had gone, only women worked there. So he goes, nervous and not sure what to expect, and ends up with a man. Not only that, it ended up being the dad of one of his high school friends. He was so mad at me, he has never gone back and still talks about it four years later!
Greenbeaners are awesome! LMAO over here! Shannon…how sweet of your husband to give you an Antonio on your honeymoon!!! LOL that’s trust!
That is a hysterical story!!! Thank you for making me laught that hard. You made me forget all about my morning sickness for the five minutes it took to read it. And for that, I am eternally grateful
Kyle makes me smile with that story.
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