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The food was excellent. The football games were exciting for the most part. Spending time with my crazy family is always…interesting.
Especially my 93-year-old grandmother.
Me: “Hi Mimi! You look so pretty in purple!”
Mimi: “Thank you honey. You look good too. Have you lost weight?”
Me: “I have! Thanks for noticing!”
Mimi: “I thought so. You looked a little porky at the re-enactment a few months ago.”
Needless to say, I skipped the lemon icebox pie for dessert.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
Abercrombie & Fitch
Hanna and Barbera
Salt and Pepper
Barnes & Noble
Beauty and the Beast
Me and my screen saver of Ryan Reynolds
Smith and Wesson
Will and Grace
Black and Decker
Dolce and Gabbana
This too shall go down in history as a famous coupling:
Now before I get inundated by hate mail, I want to make myself clear.
Yes. Johnny Depp is sexy. There’s no question. NO QUESTION. But when I saw his picture on the cover of my 2009 edition of People’s Sexiest Men Alive, I had to pause for a moment.
Please understand that I know he is sexy. Are we all on the same page here? Can we all agree and acknowledge the depths of Johnny’s sexiness?
My favorite JD photo. SWOON!
And I know that the People cover insinuates that the title is for the sexiest man alive, but traditionally, it’s really the sexiest man who made an impact in that year.
I can think of many other sexy guys who made a bigger impression on me in 2009 and therefore, deserved the coveted cover position:
Exhibit A:
I give you Bradley Cooper. And his eyes. LORD HIS EYES! But his personality makes me love him even more.
Exhibit B:
I give you Ryan Reynolds. He’s hot and makes me laugh with his perfect comedic timing. If I concentrate really hard, I can forget that he’s married to Scarlet Johansson.
Exhibit C:
I give you Eric Dane. He and Hunt are the two sexy reasons I still watch Grey’s Anatomy.
Exhibit D:
I give you Mark Salling. And before you judge me that he is a high school kid (on Glee) he’s actually 27-years-old. BAM! He’s in my age bracket!
Exhibit E:
I give you Chris Pine. Captain James T. Kirk himself.
What in the world People magazine? He’s a 3-inch x 3-inch on page 154. Are you kidding me? This was his year. Big oversight. Huge.
I’m starting the “Chris Pine” campaign for 2010.
Who’s with me?
On Saturday I received a call from my friend Kyle. (You remember him, right? He’s my American Idol blogger. You’ve laughed with/at him here, here, here and don’t forget here.)
Anyway, Kyle tells me this story about how he had received his first massage EVER the day before. The tale lasted about 10 minutes and I have to say that it’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a while. I asked him to be a dear and write it all down so I could post it for your viewing pleasure.
And of course, he obliged:
For a thank you present after an amazing banquet, our committee gave us an hour-long massage gift certificate. I have never really been excited about the idea of getting a massage. This is mainly because I am 100 percent sure that I would act/ do/ or say something stupid and really be a huge dork while making things awkward, because let’s face it–it’s kind of what I do. But I had only heard good things about the process, so I decided to take the leap and let a stranger put their hands ALL over my body.
Walking into the beautiful Massage Parlor was kind of a surreal experience. Let me back up a little. Getting ready for the event, I was a little confused about what I should wear, or what I shouldn’t wear. Kind of felt like a first date.
So walking into the place felt a little taboo. I am going to throw this out there…I kind of felt like I was getting a hooker. I have never gotten a hooker, but really that is the only thing I can compare this too. Sitting there filling out some paperwork, I was kind of giddy, but in a weird way. I was awkwardly laughing/snickering and smiling non stop, because I had NOOOOOO idea how to act in the room. And when I say I had no idea how to act, I really mean I HAD NO FREAKING IDEA how to act. And when that happens, I just get mouth diarrhea and can not shut up.
Needless to say, there was a lot of that going on.
My girl walks out all professionally and welcomes me into the room. It was fantastic in that room. Other than being the size of my palm, the music was great, lighting dim and it smelt like eucalyptus leaves.
Well…she told me it was that smell. She could have told me it was Seaweed Ginger and I would have believed her.
And here is when the awkwardness begins.
She takes me into the room and before she can speak, I say, “So this is my first time and I am going to let you know that I don’t know how to act. I have never done this before, so I am probably going to moan or grunt a lot.”
Yep. Those words came out. She told me not to worry. She said she was going to leave so I could undress. She said I could keep my boxers on and instructed me to get under the covers on my stomach. When she left, I got that smile on my face again, because I felt kind of dirty for some unknown reason. I then proceed to strip on down to my Homer Simpson boxers (worn just for this special occasion) and lay on my stomach under the covers.
Remember: I do not know massage protocol.
I hear a knock on the door to which I reply, rather loudly “COME IN!”
She walks in and the first thing I say is, “Sorry. I didn’t know if I should cover all the way up, or just mid back or …”
She stops me and tells me to just lay there and she will take care of everything.
She then proceeds to rub me down. I notice throughout the whole thing that she is spraying lotion out of a bottle. Even though there are bottles everywhere, I know she is not holding one. I figure out later that she has a lotion holster. That’s right. A holster for her lotion. Absolutely amazing.
I start to get more comfortable as she works on my back. The next thing I know, I’m asleep. I wake up when she is moving my arm and I jerk it out of her hands and kind of jump up. She gets a little startled but assures me that it’s OK. This happens a few more times. Once the back is done, she asks me to roll on my back.
At this point I am all relaxed and feeling good. I roll over, eyes watering because I was asleep and she pulls the blanket up to cover my chest. For some reason, a reason I can not tell you why, I pull down the blanket to my boxers. She looks at me all weird and asks if everything is OK.
Me: “Yeah. This is great. Thank you. Are you going to do my chest now?”
Her: “No, I was thinking about doing your shoulders.”
Me: “That would be great.”
I close my eyes. I notice she isn’t moving. I open my eyes and see her kind of looking strangely.
Me: “Would it be better if I pulled the blanket up?”
Her: “Yeah. That would be great.”
At that point, I decided to not talk anymore.
The end was much like the beginning, except this time she told me to put on my clothes and wait for her. Only I don’t think I heard the “wait” part and decided to walk out. As I am checking out, I hear my little friend walking around the parlor asking where I was. She wasn’t done. She needed to give me my water.
And that’s the end. I may or may not be welcome in that particular parlor ever again, but it was a great rub own. I recommend it to all. Just don’t yell “COME IN” or wear Homer Simpson boxers. At least if you are over the age of eight.
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I’m sure Kyle isn’t the only person who had an interesting experience at a massage parlor. We want to hear your stories. Don’t be scared. I’m in a laughing mood! Change your name and share your tales in the comment section!
