Shut up! Vanilla is my favorite color of the rainbow too!
Jake may cry like a little girl when mentally and physically preparing to fling himself off of a bridge, but when it comes to matters of the heart, he’s a man. BE GONE PHYCHOS AND TEASES! The Bachelor: On Wings of Love is not here to mess around. He’s here to find his best friend and wife. You got a problem with that? There’s the door. Or a green cab. Take your pick. I don’t care how pretty your eyes are in the firelight. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Jake is going rouge.
And I love it!
Before watching the show last night, I asked my DVR to play yesterday’s Ellen because Jake was a guest. Jake eluded to the fact that he doesn’t choose anyone at the end. Because he’s a MAN. Just like Hotter than Crap Brad. Ellen suggests that ABC keep a camera on Michelle the Psycho the entire time. Jake responds that they DO keep a camera on her! Oh my awesomeness! Ellen also calls Elizabeth out as a manipulator and that Jake should stay away. He gives a sly grin (we now know why) and then Ellen deems Ali the winner.
I bet Ellen would love to take that back after watching last night’s episode. Who died and made Ali leader of the Plastics at the Bachelorette Mansion? What? Is she going to make everyone wear pink on Tuesdays and insist that The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie switch with Gretchen Wieners because the tallest go in the middle during their sexy rendition of Jingle Bell Rock? The drama is infectious.
And I love it!
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host Chris Harrison starts the morning off by reminding the Bachelorettes that what went down with Roz the night before is a thing of the past. Jake feels it is important for everyone to move on as if nothing inappropriate with a staffer ever happened. He did, however, forget to mention that Jake grew a pair over night and that the girls should be prepared. But whatever.
One-On-One Date One
Let’s Go Head over Heels Together
Vienna
Vienna cries when Gia reads her name as the first one-on-one date card winner. She becomes so emotional that she begins to ramble on about how she wants Jake to see the super fun girl that the Bachelorettes all know and love. She skips upstairs to pick out the perfect head over heels outfit and to pack.
Michelle: “I think of myself as a very, VERY attractive woman. And Vienna…she’s totally opposite of who I am as far as what I see on the outside.”
Michelle’s total un-attachment to reality is fascinating to me.
Ali admits that she feels betrayed and that it’s weird to see him on another date. She decides to write about it in her burn book.
Jake arrives on his hog and Vienna climbs aboard. The other girls wave from the front door, all wearing string bikinis.
Jake: “Vienna appears to be the life of the party. She acts as if she’s still in college. I sort of like that fun side of her, but I like how she’s blunt and honest too. She is a little out of my comfort zone, but that’s what this adventure is all about. What if my wife is out of my comfort zone? I’m going to have to journey there to find her. And Vienna just might be it.”
Jake and Vienna sit together on a rock. Jake is looking like he’d rather be ANYWHERE ELSE than on that rock with Vienna. She is oblivious to his body language and insists on wrapping her hands around his arm and inner thigh. Jake tries to make small talk by asking if she has ever done anything wild and crazy before.
Vienna: “I went zip lining when I was with my family in Jamaica. It was my graduation present. No wait. It was my honeymoon. It was totally awesome.”
Jake gives her a weak smile and then looks up to see a helicopter landing in his front yard. Vienna says she is scared of helicopters and Jake does everything he can, within reason, to comfort her. He decides to hold her hand. She hangs on for dear life, flinging a leg over his leg…mere inches away from practically sitting in his lap. Jake looks like he might hurl.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, we get a glimpse of Michelle’s stripper tat. NICE. The girls are soaking up the rays talking trash about Vienna. Ali tells Tenley to stop trying to make “fetch” happen. It’s never going to happen.
Back in the middle of nowhere, the chopper lands on a big white “X” that has been painted on a bridge. Vienna looks down and begins to get gangster on Jake.
Vienna: “Oh no you didn’t! I am NOT going to bungee jump off a bridge. You are BLEEPING nuts. Excuse me driver. Turn this mother around and take me back because I refuse to do this.”
Jake admits that he is about to squirt his pants too because he is deathly afraid of heights. He has almost hurled his morning protein shake twice because he knew this moment was coming.
The duo are harnessed up by the bungee jumping team. Both have turned a sick mixture of green and paste as they convince each other to not look down in the ravine. Just keep looking up. It’s the wings of love way. Then they huddle together and pray. The bungee team is like, “Dude. You are a freaking pilot. Are you for real here?” Jake explains that he likes to be enclosed. The bungee guys run out for some taquitos because this process takes way longer than it should have. But they are getting paid by the hour so no one is complaining.
Jake: “Vienna is perfect for this date. She hates heights. I hate heights. We can overcome our fears together. Let’s face it. I know I have abs of steel, but I can’t be strong 100 percent of the time. I want to rely on my friend who turns into my wife. Wow. This is really high. Does anyone have a paper bag? I feel dizzy. Does anyone else feel dizzy?”
Vienna, who started out faking her fear of heights, has now decided that this is her opportunity to take control and show Jake that he can depend on her…no matter what.
Vienna: “Calm down Jakey. Listen to my voice. We can do this. We are going to do this. Together, we can last forever. It’s just you and me. I’m here for you. You can count on me. I’m the only one. I’ll stand by you. I’ll stand by you. Won’t let nobody, including a bungee cord, hurt you. I’ll stand by you. Now let’s fly. The wings of love way. 3-2-1…”
And they fling off the bridge. Vienna screams a high pitched scream. We later learn that it was Jake’s voice, but that is neither here nor there. Then Jake throws up in her hair.
Just kidding. But how awesome would that have been?
As they bounced up and down and up and down, Jake decides to kiss Vienna for the first time. Then he throws up in her mouth.
Just kidding. But how awesome would that have been?
Instead, it resembled something like this…without the mask.
Although, I personally prefer this one:
Jake: “It was high. I was panicking. I was terrified. And I kissed her. We overcame our fears as a couple. I’m quite confident that we could get through anything together if we could get through that moment. She rose to the occasion. We fell and we made it work.”
Vienna: “Actually, we jumped and we were awesome.”
Jake thinks that the jump brought them closer. They experienced a life threatening moment together. And they came out the other side stronger and wiser. Plus, he is super stoked to know that she has a nurturing side. He wouldn’t have taken that leap with anyone else.
Then for the next 30 minutes of their date, they talk about exactly what I wrote above. He kept bringing up her fearlessness. He kept bringing up her nurturing side. She kept telling him how awesome he is. I kept wondering why he had on flip flops. He kept talking about his best friend. She kept talking about how they shared a wonderful moment. I kept fast forwarding to double check that Jake had on black underwear that was peeking from his jeans. The jeans he wore with flip flops. They kept agreeing how there are no words to describe perfect love.
But there are words to describe Vienna’s bikini. Chartreuse and random butt ruffle come to mind. They hang out for 10 minutes in the hot tub talking about how they brushed death that day whilst feeding on strawberries and what appear to be cherry tomatoes. Jake “forgets” something and goes back inside. He comes back out with the rose.
Jake: “Your honesty and willingness to live even when the odds are stacked against you is refreshing. I had stern questions tonight and you had great answers. I’m glad you are here. Literally. Because we could have died today. And since we didn’t, will you accept this rose?”
Vienna giggles and gives Jake a peck. Then they decide to take this action to the pool. For some reason, Vienna chooses a graceful belly flop entrance, dog paddles over to Jake and proceeds to stick her tongue down his throat.
Vienna: “He’s amazing. He is my Prince Charming. He’s the real thing. I had the best time of my life…so far…today. But the best day will be when I marry him. I’m not on cloud nine anymore. I’m on cloud Jake!”
Remember to wear a condom.
Jake: “In case I haven’t told you, I’m here to find my best friend. And then marry her. Vienna and I almost died today. We have an emotional bond that can’t be broken. She continues to surprise me.”
Speaking of surprises, the girls were all WHAT THE WHAT when Vienna walked back in the mansion with a rose. Most have a serious problem with this revelation and are trying to keep their eye twitching, back stabbing and secret voodoo techniques under control as Vienna gives a moment-by-moment replay of her near death experience with Jake. I thought the mansion was going to implode at one point. For real.
GROUP DATE
The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn and Michelle
Love is No Laughing Matter…Or Is It?
Guess what? Michelle has a problem with this situation. She really, really, really wants a one-one-one time. She’s decided instead of being her normal, brooding self, she is going to try and have fun and not take herself too seriously. Just like every person in her immediate circle of friends told her during that intervention they held a few days before she headed out to LA to be on the show.
Michelle is first to spot Jake. She takes off like a bullet and hurls herself onto his body with all of her 97-pound might. She closes her eyes and begins breathing in deeply. She wants to channel his essence.
Jake leads the ladies to a Comedy Club hosted by Jon Lovitz. Elizabeth and Jake have to explain to all the girls that Jon was on Saturday Night Live when it was funny.
Elizabeth: “You know Dana Carey, right?”
Girls give a blank stare.
Jake: “C’mon. Phil Hartman?”
Girls look puzzled.
Elizabeth: “Chris Farley?”
Girls shake their heads in confusion.
Jake: “Mike Meyers. You all know Mike Meyers.”
Tenley: “Was he on The Hills that one time?”
Jake: “He’s the voice of Shrek.”
Girls: “OH! He’s so cool!”
Jake: “And he’s Austin Powers!”
Girls give a blank stare.
Elizabeth to Jake: “Groovy baby! Do I make you horny?”
Jake looks confused, rolls his eyes and then introduced Jon to the group.
Back at the mansion, the final one-on-one date card arrives. Vienna asks for a drum roll. Valishia is the only one that obliges. She reads Ella’s name and Ella gives herself spirit sprinkles.
Vienna: “OMG Ella. You are going to have such an amazing time. He is an amazing man. A one-on-one date with him is so special. All of the attention is on YOU and YOU get to kiss him and hold him and touch him and belly flop in the pool. It’s awesome.”
Gia: “Quit stealing Ella’s moment. Everyone is tired of hearing about your date, okay? I AM YOUR ONLY FRIEND AND YOU ARE LOSING ME.”
Ashleigh is also about to lose something…her lunch. She has just learned that the girls will be performing stand-up comedy in front of a live audience.
Ash: “I have a great poker face and a necklace made from broken glass. I scream confidence! Now I’m the nervous girl who can’t be funny. And I’ve cried my makeup off and developed a snotty nose that makes me sound nasally. This blows.”
Ali: “Why did Tigger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.”
Michelle: “I can’t stand Tigger. Or any of the animals from the Hundred Acre Woods. And don’t get me started on Christopher Robin. Ali is a child.”
Tenley folds herself into a human pretzel. And every dude in the audience looks up at Jake, gives him a knowing head nod and buys him a beer.
Michelle: “I can’t believe she would go to such lengths to show Jake how flexible she is. Hey. Newsflash. I’m bendy too. Tenley is a skank.”
Elizabeth: “I traveled all around the country looking for love. I thought I found it in Utah. The guy had a long BLEEP. It was exhausting because I have two BLEEPS.”
Michelle: “She is filth. Jake should not be around such filth. Elizabeth is a dirty whore.”
Kathryn asks Jake to come down on stage with her. She asks him to get closer, and closer, and closer and then she kisses him.
Kathryn: “Sorry everyone. I don’t have a joke. I just wanted to see how those lips taste.”
That sound you heard was Michelle laughing hysterically from the balcony.
Michelle: “How pathetic! When I kiss Jake, it’s going to be long and passionate, soft, crazy tongue in your mouth going crazy with pulling hair and ripping the clothes off. I have something up my sleeves to blow them out of the water. Kathryn is a fool.”
Michelle then tells a “joke” about how the palm trees don’t have coconuts and then she points to her boobs. Jake gives a questionable look. Then she talks about golf and how she happens to be on the green and that she waiting for a hole to get one-on-one time.
I’m assuming this is a sexual innuendo.
The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie decides to take one for the team. She impersonates all the girls in the house. She mocks Tenley for being obsessed with working out. (Hey…Ariel’s costume shows the mid-drift area. We can’t have The Little Mermaid sporting any spare tires. Back off TGYCRN Corrie.) We learn that apparently Kathryn curses like a sailor. There was a moment when she wielded a rather large butcher knife and Psycho music played. Not sure who that could be.
And then she goes off for the majority of her time on Vienna. Boobs, blond hair extensions, more boobs, talking crap and a moment of toplessness it seems.
Jake: “I noticed that all the girls were laughing uncontrollably when that girl was doing her Vienna impression. Michelle even stood up and applauded. I think they see a side of her that I don’t. That worries me a bit.”
Ashleigh bats last and tells a string of moderately funny blond jokes. She is visibly relieved that the night is over. She is also visibly sloshed. Good times.
Jake takes the girls to a rooftop wrap party. My! This looks familiar! It has all the makings of a super fun time with champagne and fondue and little pieces of angel food cake to dip in chocolate. But Jake decides to take it to a serious level because there are several things bugging him.
1. Why does everyone hate Vienna?
2. How can Elizabeth be so old fashioned and not want to kiss, yet tells a group of strangers that a fella she met in Utah had a big BLEEP?
3. Why is it when I turn and make eye contact with Michelle, she licks her lips?
He begins with Tenley.
Tenley: “I have something to tell you. I’m pregnant. Just kidding. I was married. He left me for another woman. They had an affair. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. I believe in marriage. I am meant to be loved and have so much to give. My story only makes me better. I would kiss you but I don’t want to get lipstick all over you. Oh we’re kissing? Okay. I’ll stop talking and enjoy this. It’s the second time I’ve kissed a man since the cheater. Stop talking? Okay. You smell good.”
Then moves to Ashleigh.
Ashleigh: “I hate that you wasted a rose on Vienna. If that is what you like, you will not like me. The girls were upset, myself included, if that is what you are looking for, I’m not the girl for you.”
Jake is surprised that so many girls hate Vienna. And he’s sad that she’s not there to defend herself.
It’s okay Jake. She’s defending herself plenty right now with Gia.
Gia: “NO ONE WANTS DRAMA VIENNA! (Did you get my good side when I said that? Should I inflect a little more on her name?)
Vienna: “What drama?”
Valishia: “When you aren’t around, we have a great time.”
Valishia with the claws coming out. SHE SPEAKS!
Vienna: “You don’t know what Jake wants. YOU DON’T. All of you are fake as can be. FAKE! You’re nothing but hard, cold PLASTIC!”
So she goes up to talk to the ABC psychotherapist in her bedroom. The ABC psychotherapist encourages her to process through the emotions by writing Jake a letter. Vienna borrows a bright yellow legal pad from the ABC legal team (who are on-call 24-hours now) and pens a letter to Jake. After pausing at precisely the right moment, my friend the DVR allowed me to pick up on these precious words:
“If you are reading this letter, then I am gone.” I also can confirm there were two “whatevers” and a frowny face emoticon. She musters up some tears and leans over her paper so they can drop down. Then she circles them and says, “These are the same tears that pulled your through the darkness to the light. Remember always.”
Back at the rooftop wrap party from hell, Jake meets with Ali.
Ali: “Thank you so much for saying that our date was amazing and the best one you’ve had. Because if I didn’t know better, I’d say your near death experience with Vienna was the best you’ve experienced while on this journey. Speaking of, when she came in with a rose, I almost cried. She is fundamentally different from me. I mean, it’s like she’s in love with me or something. I think she might be a lesbian. And she totally thinks she’s getting Spring Fling Queen. Whatever.”
Jake: “I’m so confused. Everyone hates Vienna. Everyone is crying. Everyone is telling me deep dark secrets. It’s hard dating so many women when these pesky feelings get in the way. I’m trying to make them all happy. It’s just going to get harder I fear.”
Triumphant in her tossing of Vienna under the bus, Ali goes back to the fondue table to propose a toast. Or so we think…
Ali: “We all know that Vienna isn’t right for Jake. It’s time for her to be voted off the island. Thank you to that girl for making fun of her at the comedy club and showing Jake Vienna’s true colors. Random Girl, you did Jake such justice tonight. I salute you and would like to make you an offer to be my number two. Cheers everyone.”
But what’s this? Michelle is not cheering. Let’s face it…she’s not the cheering type, but still. Regina George does not intimidate Michelle.
Ali: “Michelle…are you in? It’s a pact. Clink your BLEEPING glass.”
Michelle: “I’m here to find love and get married. I’m ready to give my Mom a grandbaby. Everyone in my family says that it is my turn. Not that I’m desperate, but I’ll be there in the end for sure. I want one-on-one time.”
Ali: “You need to bow down right now or you’re going under the bus too. Now I’ll give you another shot to clink your glass or else.”
Michelle: “My brother is married and my Mom wants a grandchild.”
Ali: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Elizabeth: “She doesn’t need a husband. She needs a therapist.”
Best line of the night. Kudos to Elizabeth.
Michelle sulks off to the corner of the rooftop and begins crying. Poor Jake sees her there and is forced to try and have a somewhat normal conversation.
Michelle: “I’m not over emotional or dramatic…even though I’ve been crying every time you see me. I’m the only person here for you Jake. I really, really, want a husband.”
Per direction of the ABC Psychotherapist, Jake speaks slowly and quietly as not to wake the other demons.
Jake: “I believe you.”
Michelle: “Remember I stressed out and packed my bags. I can’t continue on this journey if you are not feeling the same way as I do. Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I can feel something?”
Jake looks at the ABC Psychotherapist and gets the go ahead. He reluctantly leans in for the kiss. Cold. Unemotional. Kiss. He pulls away.
Michelle: “You have to give me something more than that. What in the world? Why is your head down? LOOK ME IN THE EYES.”
The men with the straight jackets creep up a little closer.
Jake: “I’m ready for this night to be over. I just need to digest what I’m feeling.”
Michelle: “Well Jake. You leave me no choice. I can’t stay. I really want to stay because I feel that we have a connection. To spend this time with you and not be able to kiss you hurts me.”
Jake: “You said once that you would leave, but you didn’t. And now you’ve decided tonight that you want to go?”
Michelle: “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”
Jake: “I think it would be better if you did leave.”
BOOYAH!
It is at this point I pull out my car keys and begin shaking them at Michelle.
Michelle: “I came here to find a man and get married. He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue. I wanted to kiss him. He gave me a peck. What is that all about? You stay in a house for two weeks and hope you will marry. He is not for me.
I felt in my heart that I had made the right decision and that made it easy. I will find a man. And I will procreate. You watch. YOU WATCH AMERICA!”
Jake: “Love is a two-way street. Unfortunately for Michelle, she doesn’t know how to get there. But she now knows that you leave in a green taxi. So long my crazy friend. I wish you well in all your endeavors.”
Jake returns to the ladies and tells them that he asked Michelle to leave. He reminded them that he doesn’t have to wait for a rose ceremony to send someone home. He decides to not give a rose out on his date and returns home to think things through. Then he leaves them there with cold fondue.
This gesture of power and strength turns Ali on and she vows to the camera that he will be hers at the end of this journey.
One-On-One Date Two
Ella’s date
Let’s Lift Off to Another World
I’m going to go ahead and save us all a bunch of time here. Ella is sweet. Ella seems genuine enough. But Ella and Jake have ZERO chemistry. I mean ZERO. Unless ABC is editing the footage to death, I can’t see these two ending up together. And since I was so bored during this date, I am going to bring back an old favorite of mine…
Top 10 Thoughts I Experienced During Jakes One-On-One Date with Ella
1. Oh look. Another helicopter ride. GET NEW IDEAS ABC.
2. The humidity at Sea World did a number on Ella’s hair.
3. I wonder what the big surprise could be? Gee. It’s Ethan. Too bad they aren’t on a beach so he can tackle his mom ala Stephanie and her daughter during Jason’s season. SERIOUSLY ABC. CALL ME. I WILL GIVE YOU IDEAS.
4. How many of you wondered if Jake was going to give the little airplane back to Ethan?
5. How many of you wondered if Ethan was going to say, “Hey! I thought I lost that at school!”
6. How come Ella is wearing a blue dress in some shots and an orange tank top and denim jacket in others? Did she get wet by the big killer whale? Did one of the staffers have to give her her clothes? Now that’s good TV people!
7. How many hours do you think Ethan had to pretend to play with an airplane while his Mommy and his Mommy’s friend talked about rearing children and hypothetical proposals?
8. How cute are baby penguins?
9. Did we all appreciate the product placement of a successful Bachelor run with the shout out to Trista and Ryan?
10. Did anyone else hear the squawking geese or flamingos (do they squawk) as Ella and Jake were trying to have a special moment at dinner?
Back at the mansion, Vienna tells the camera that no one is sleeping in her room because they are jealous of her relationship with Jake. She feels the best way to get on their good side is to gather them all together and offer a collective apology.
Most of the girls accept until they get the ole evil eye from Ali.
Ali: “I don’t care that you apologized. None of us do. I wasn’t jealous because another girl went on a date with Jake. I was mad because YOU went on a date with Jake. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Track pants are only allowed on the weekends. You can’t sit with us.”
I have to say that ABC is editing the crap out of this situation too. I know I have a tendency to daydream about other topics while watching this show, but I really don’t remember Vienna being all that bad. Did I miss something while making a grilled cheese sandwich last week?
ROSE CEREMONY
Jake decides that this week has been rough on the old emotions. But there is still work to be done. He’s going to try and get some answers in order to make his decision.
Jake: “Elizabeth. Will you join me on the veranda?”
Elizabeth: “Sure. But remember. No kissing. You have to be a man and hold to your convictions and not kiss me. Are you good at back rubs? I want to experience them later.”
Jake: “You are the queen of mixed signals. You play games.”
Elizabeth: “Like how? Don’t kiss me. Do you want to kiss me? You should want to kiss me. I’m a very good kisser. I do want to kiss you. The reason it is hard, I do have a jealous side…it’s very hard. It’s interesting.”
Jake: “I’ve known people who don’t kiss for spiritual reasons. I don’t think that’s the case for you.”
Elizabeth: “Gosh no. It’s not. That’s how I show affection. But don’t tease me. Are you saying you need to kiss me to feel it for me? We’ll see. I want to. I really do.”
Jake to the camera: “I know she wants to kiss me but she’s not going to let me but she’s going to tease me about how much she wants me to.”
Vienna walks up and steals Jake away. Elizabeth calls for reinforcements and tells the girls that she won’t get a rose unless she kisses Jake.
Yeah. That’s what I got out of that conversation too, you big tease.
Elizabeth: “He wanted me to kiss him, but he thinks I’m sending mixed signals. He thinks I’m a tease. I’m shocked! Where did he come up with me playing games? He’s confused by me. And then, Vienna interrupted my time.”
Ali slams her glass down and goes to find Vienna.
Elizabeth: “He says it’s so important that I kiss him. I’m not just vanilla. I’m all different colors of the rainbow. Or ice cream flavors. Whatever. I can find a man. Look at me. Tears, tears, tears…bathroom, snot, Kleenex.”
Ali tells Vienna that she is going down because she took Elizabeth’s one-on-one time and she already has a rose. She says that everyone in the house hurts because of her selfish ways.
Then Vienna pushes her in front of an oncoming bus.
Elizabeth…still talking to the camera guy: “I’m not just a fish in a pond waiting for a hook. I am getting the best. He needs to know that I choose HIM. I am 29 and could be married by now. Have you seen me?”
Our Host escorts Jake into the Pier One Bookcase room. Jake longingly picks up Elizabeth’s photo, symbolically kisses it and heads out to hand out roses. He tells the camera that he is not afraid of sending the wrong woman home.
Roses go to:
Vienna
Ella, Ella, Ella
Gia’s Lips
The Girl’s Name You Can’t Remember Corrie
Tenley
Ali
Jessie
Kathryn
Ashleigh
Valishia walks away with some dignity. She tells the camera that she is used to things NOT going her way. Then she proceeds to ugly cry on national TV. Bless her heart.
Elizabeth tells Jake she should have kissed him. Everyone within hearing range nods their head in agreement. The ABC intern says she can kiss him anytime. The go make out behind a bush.
Next week…BACHELOR ROAD TRIP! How fun is that going to be? Sure we have Psycho Michelle and Elizabeth the Tease gone, but there’s always Vienna drama and the reign of Ali to contend with.
Plus, Jake gets pissed and throws a rose in the FIRE! Burn, baby BURN!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
I propose the drinking game be to the phrase “here for the right reasons.” Then comment on Lincee’s blog and we’ll all be laughing a WHOLE lot!!!
So what about the fact that in the commercial Tenley says “I am pregnant”….where was that in the show???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rsve4I62syw link to ellen show interview w/michelle
#155 pineapple – They left that scene out, probably because they got enough attention out of it all week thrpough the previews. Anyway, the deleted scene is on youtube, and about 5 seconds after she says “I’m pregnant” she laughs and says “I’m just kidding”.
#152: Every couple of roses he goes back into the deliberation room to get the names of the next few girls
And the girls are told to stand there and keep looking forward while the cameras are rolling…and this, ladies and gents, is where they get those “eye-rolling” irritated, disgusted looks that they use after the other girls’ get their roses….because the girls get sick of waiting there so long in silence – they are constantly yelling: “no talking! Keep your eyes forward!”
************** NO SPOILERS PLEASE!!!!!!!! *******************
Bread makes you poop.
Michelle on Ellen: She was still crazy. Even though she seemed even-keeled, she was still saying she thought if she got one on one time with Jake that things would have been different. Uh – NOT! He still would have seen you for the desperate stalker that you were. She’s delusional.
Great blog Lincee. Poor Jake. He just needs a nice Texas girl, maybe one with money who went to Southern Methodist and was in a sorority. None of these girls are anywhere near the mark, most of them have a kid(s), a previous marriage(s), psych issues or other baggage. It’s not fair to Jake, he is looking very stressed, the lines on his face are definitely deeper. Jake deserves better and ABC is playing games, this group seems totally unappropriate for Jake, with allowances for editing. Did you see the Regis Philbin recap the next day of the Jake/Michelle kiss debacle, and Evil Regis (or “Revil”) pops up in a red devil costume on Jake’s shoulder and warns him “run, Jake run as fast as you can!”.
SERIOUSLY people, STOP with the spoilers. You ruin it for all of us who don’t want to know! There is a spoiler thread that Lincee created just for spoilers. please, please, PLEASE use it!
I give up. I’m not reading the comments on Lincee’s blog anymore. and that makes me super sad.
WebMAN – can you please remove #159?
Spoilers post link: http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/2010/01/05/bachelor-jake-spoilers-here/
NO MARUS YOU CAN’T GO… wait..do i sound like a stalker now!?!? lol
Well….i guess i have allegedly read the most major spoiler anyway (it’s possible it’s not true)….
Maybe we should just keep posting the spoilers link every 5 comments… so people can’t miss it
KeelyG- I totally agree then! If it ends in “true love,” I’m cool with that, but I love the Michelle’s along the way. However, it would be nice for the Bachelor if they had a few good ones.
Marus- It is awful that people can’t stop posting crap here, and some of them seem really intentional like #159. Hopefully, they are wrong and just Reality Steve drones, who was wrong this past week btw. So here’s to hoping that whatever garbage is leaked is just that- garbage.
Did anyone see Jake on Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight? Hilarious!!!!
I totally respect Jake more after this episode. There really doesn’t seem to be a good match for him in this batch..I just hope he’s enjoying himself more than it looks like he is!
Lincee..I seem to remember you promising a post about a cousin or someone who lost lots of weight in a short amount of time..I need to know how please!!! Keep up the awesome work
I get that Elizabeth was being overly flirtacious with Jake after telling her him that he does not want him to kiss her until she is the last one standing, but… maybe the reason why she kept mentioning how much she wants to kiss him was so he’d know that she was into him. Otherwise, she’d get the whole “are you here for the right reasons?” shpeal. I mean, how is she supposed to show him that she likes him if she’s not kissing him when everyone else is? She flirts, I guess.
WEBMAN, is it possible to block/drop the commentors who give spoilers on here? That way they would not have the opportunity to do it again…?
Someone besides me – anyone – that does like the lovey dovey stuff? Can’t we have a little?! (Sigh.) Afterall, someone is buying The Notebook and stuff like that, right? I don’t mind a few train wrecks on the way. After all in real life (not reality tv life) we girls are suckers for a few little romantic comments, they will carry you a long way guys!
#171, A little flirting would be fine…what Jake said during the show was that Elizabeth was making it sound like spiritual convictions like kissing was important with someone you care about. Then she talks “raunchy” at the comedy club and is constantly touching him and asking him if he wants to kiss her. She made it about the physical aspect, Jake did not, bless her heart.
She didn’t even get it. At all. Her boo-hooing about how she DESERVES the best and she can HAVE a date any day of the week, and she’s held out on marriage this long is HER choice… pretty unattractive. Someone at the beginning said she’s a super nice girl, and if so, it sucks that she got a bad edit, because she came across as a tease, cocky, and not that smart. Plus, what was UP with her half-bleeped description of some guy’s johnson? Seriously? I’m not even going to make jokes with my bf or a guy I’m dating about other men… let alone how huge it was or was not. Wow.
@#144- thanks for the heads up on the radio interview with Reid – I found it pretty funny that the radio station’s website spelled his name wrong, though!
@#169 yes, very funny appearance by Jake on Jimmy Kimmel! After seeing him on all of these talk shows, being seemingly negative about the outcome of the show, I’m wondering if he really didn’t pick anyone, or if the show told him to act like he didn’t pick anyone so there would be more suspense this season…
btw, whoever thought they heard Jake tell Valisha “give a whole lot of love to your kids for me” as she was leaving — I just watched the episode again (instead of paying my bills!) and that is exactly what he said — certainly won’t miss her, since we didn’t see one minute of her — and I’m still trying to figure out how Jessie (what is with that hair?!) and Katherine are still around – I guess he had too many roses to give out, so just had to give the extras to the least offensive/most invisible girls…
I think the drinking game phrase should be any version of “see if we have a connection.”
#173 – My Awesomeness…you are not alone. I’m a huge sap! In the inside…working on showing more on the outside….and I LOVE THE NOTEBOOK!!! NOAH! Swoon! LOL
#173- I LOVE love stories too. LIke the Notebook, etc. However, I guess I just don’t buy into the date 25 women for what is it- 8 weeks? to find your true love. I prefer the more traditional route. So I suppose I don’t believe THIS process really works, so I’d rather get entertainment out of it, than hope for a “love” story. You know- with the success rate of the show and all.
#171- I think Elizabeth would have come across better to Jake if she said she didn’t want to kiss him while there were so many girls in the picture- and stuck by it. Instead, she just kept saying “You want to kiss me…I want to kiss you….but we can’t!” She just kept throwing it in his face that he couldn’t kiss her. She could have shown she liked him by acting interested and telling him that she likes him. I honestly think Jake would have respected her wishes and not sent her packing for withholding the kiss- unlike some of the other bachelors.
#179 Rachel – That’s exactly it. She used it as a game and ploy to play hard to get (she actually said she was playing hard to get if I remember correctly in that episode when she did that). If you are going to play a tease, be prepared for it not to work on all suckas. LOL
Leslie yes I agree with you that Jessie looks like Mary ann from Gilligan’s Island and Alli looks like what’s her name from the City (I think her name is Erin – Olivia’s boss).
I kinda think part of the editing is to MAKE Ali look like the mean girl. She’s still my front runner, although, I think Tenley is just annoyingly cute enough to be a good match for Jake.
I love the e-harmony idea! I think there could be some good matches with some crazy to them. I mean, it can only work if you’re honest in filling out the profile, right? So I’m sure there would be people who fill it out for who they would like to be instead of who they are. And if you had a room of 25 girls who were all “perfect” matches for the bachelor, there would probably be a lot that had similar qualities. Which would mean they would grate on each other more and it would make it more difficult for the bachelor to choose because it would mean he might send the wrong girl home. It could actually make for MORE drama. And if not, I love a good love story. Way back when, with Trista and Ryan, I remember fearing she would pick Charlie because she seemed that she was actually into him too. It had that actual suspense. Fliess should know that if we don’t actually care about the outcome, why would we watch the show? He should want to create a show where we’re cheering on the bachelor to find true love. Even if it is a crazy setting for such a thing. And though I don’t think dating 25 women is the way to go, I know of couples who went on 2 dates before they got engaged. One has been married for over 30 years. It can happen and this show needs to play on that possibility more.
I think there should be an obese or deformed people version of this show. Of course, ugly people usually have too much pride to do a show like this. It takes a phenomenally shallow personality.
Mission Accomplished Condi!
Thanks for all the recaps – this season and last. You are one of the reasons I keep watching…and if you keep posting, I’ll be tuning in to the Bachelor Pad.
I thought the best last night was at the cocktail party when Ali went right up to Vienna and told her crap and then added something like “I just wanted to tell you how we all feel so that you don’t think we are talking behind your back”
I still like her – even with all her bossiness.
And Jake is impressing me more – especially after he sent shallow, entitled, flirty (yet drop-dead gorgeous) Elizabeth home
#173 and #178 aka hopeful romantics..
This is not meant to be a spoiler as I don’t know anything. I just feel this flatlining season is going to get some major heartbeats going by the time we’re done. Jake is a pretty good actor—the beginning of Jimmy Kimmel in the fake rose ceremony he was great. So hang in there with me..
I definitely wouldn’t mind a fairy tale romancey season… granted the fairy tale romance seasons we’ve had haven’t always worked out the best in the long run, but I’m a sap, and I like that sort of stuff. I like to get caught up in believing the that you can fall in love in 6 weeks and totally be ready to marry that person.
but the eharmony idea is good too! hasn’t worked for me, but I know people.
#183- they did have a fat person version of the show… it was called More to Love. It was on Fox this summer. It was not good.
Jake cried like a little baby during his jump!
I just gotta say, if you need to know what relief looks like, it’s Jake’s face when Michelle told him she needed to leave. I actually paused it and came right over here to see if Lincee noted that.
You used to be able to click on ‘spoilers’ under categories on the right. It’s not there now. So to find the spoiler thread (unless someone has recently posted), you have to scroll thru the responses to find where someone has posted it.
Assuming that’s too much trouble for people who are posting spoilers on this thread. Not much spoiler news, as Reality Steve was proven wrong last week! Love it.
It would be great, webMAN, if you could get that spoiler thread posted under categories again.
Enjoying all the comments, Lincee fans
When Michelle went on the group date that would be her last, all I could think was ‘she is wearing a Sky Top as seen on Real Housewives of Orange County!’
Saggleo, do you think she is sending subliminal signals that she is ready to be Slade Slimey’s next OC hookup?
#187, I posted it in comment 162. Here it is again for those who missed it: http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/2010/01/05/bachelor-jake-spoilers-here/
Or, anyone can click on “previous posts” until about 5 posts back and find it. My guess is that those posting spoilers are new and haven’t read through all the comments to see that many of those posting here and Lincee herself are not interested in reading them.
I agree that it would be much easier to link to the spoilers post on the right.
Maybe ABC could make a spin-off of the bachelor called, “Looking for Fame and Fortune”, instead of casting a bachelor they should cast a director or an executive producer…or would that be too much reality for reality tv??
Then we could have a reality show about finding love but with audience participation. We have a bach’ette, with her interview of what she is looking for and info about her then 25 men submit their profiles – complete with letters of reference, etc. ABC shows a short interview with each…and the audience gets to sleuth and vote people off each week. The bach’ette could have power of veto, etc. When they get to the finals the bach’ette has to agree to date them one on one, etc. What do you think? I’d vote!
Here’s a link to an interview Nanny Elizabeth did with her hometown newspaper..
http://www.waunetanebraska.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1437:exclusive-interview-elizabeth-kitt-reflects-on-her-experience-competing-for-the-bachelor&catid=25:local-news&Itemid=34
I think Jake finally “grew a pair” and is getting rid of people because he wants the show to be over. (Me, too!) I don’t see a winner in the bunch. And Jake is pretty much a loser, too. He can’t hold a conversation-”How many times can you say “Thanks for jumping off a bridge with me”? And he can’t kiss! What’s with the Kiss-smile-kiss-smile routine? The forego show is going to be so boring! Does anyone remember if he kissed Jillian? If so, did it last more than 2 seconds?
#192 I seem to remember Jake and Jill kissing a bunch on their first date. Then she branched out and Jake turned out to be too serious for her! I hope that Ed really is true blue. (Hopeless romantic, I know!)
I suspending reality and hoping that Tenley (The other girls do say that she has a heart of gold) or Ali (described by the other girls as the girl next door!) are the final one. I like Corrie too and they seem to be hiding her interaction with Jake, we have barely seen her. They did look awful cute at the photo shoot, with Jake picking her up.
Is it my imagination or does Gia always seem to be in a pose? She seems very mindful of the cameras…and holds herself in certain ways to attract attention and give herself more cleavage. (As if that is even possible!)
warning – elizabeth’s interview contains reference to a spoiler… at least i think it does…
but… it’s kind of a funny interview. she actually seems pretty cool and down to earth in it…
#188 – Austin-ite – I think I love you!!! LOL Slade makes my skin crawl!! Last night was great (too bad Lincee doesn’t blog about that show!) I don’t know if even I would wish him on Michelle! lol
#194 – Marus – haven’t listen to the interview yet, but maybe…just maybe she got some reflection when she saw how she was edited and toned it down?!?! Then again there is that editing bug…but they can only use what you give them! lol This is why I have decided to NEVER go on reality tv! I would be committed to a home in a heartbeat! LOL
Oh and you guys may want to email Webman about your suggestions for the spoiler section. Who knows if he’ll read these comments this far down.
Next week looks good – we get the storm off crashing through bit, and the burning of two roses!!! WOOOWHOOO! I’m sorry…is that mean? =)
saggleo… its not mean. its being excited for some quality entertainment. now that jersey shore is over, the bach is all i have left.
#195 – her interview didn’t feel so much like, “oh i got a bad edit” as it did, “i went on here for fun. i said some stuff and acted in a way that in hindsight was kind of silly. oh well. moving on”.
sure, it’s easy to damage control after it’s over. but i sort of believe her. and not just because she’s from the midwest.
you better than me heidi…I didn’t even bother checking in to jersey shore. I got enough trash tv on my list. LOL I think it’s messing with what brain cells i have left! lol Come to the Bravo Real Housewives side…we’ll accept ya! lol
191- Carried- thanks for posting that article. I really like Elizabeth now. She has a good sense of humor and def has a good head on her shoulders. I personally found her to be the prettiest in the house. Damn her for being a tease. She dug a hole she couldn’t get out of. I think it was probably best she was eliminated though. She might be a bit too much for Jake. I think he needs a sweet, non-sarcastic girl. Elizabeth seems a little too firecracker-ish for him.
Saggleo- Jersey Shore is a fist pumping good time. I vote Snooki to be the next bach’ette. That girl needs some help!
Rachel- I’ve heard rumors that Snooki is getting her own Bachelorette type show tentatively titled “Snookin for Love” I’m fairly certain it will be guidolicious and a fist pumpin good time!