iHateGreenBeans

Jake may cry like a little girl when mentally and physically preparing to fling himself off of a bridge, but when it comes to matters of the heart, he’s a man. BE GONE PHYCHOS AND TEASES! The Bachelor: On Wings of Love is not here to mess around. He’s here to find his best friend and wife. You got a problem with that? There’s the door. Or a green cab. Take your pick. I don’t care how pretty your eyes are in the firelight. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Jake is going rouge.

And I love it!

Before watching the show last night, I asked my DVR to play yesterday’s Ellen because Jake was a guest. Jake eluded to the fact that he doesn’t choose anyone at the end. Because he’s a MAN. Just like Hotter than Crap Brad. Ellen suggests that ABC keep a camera on Michelle the Psycho the entire time. Jake responds that they DO keep a camera on her! Oh my awesomeness! Ellen also calls Elizabeth out as a manipulator and that Jake should stay away. He gives a sly grin (we now know why) and then Ellen deems Ali the winner.

I bet Ellen would love to take that back after watching last night’s episode. Who died and made Ali leader of the Plastics at the Bachelorette Mansion? What? Is she going to make everyone wear pink on Tuesdays and insist that The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie switch with Gretchen Wieners because the tallest go in the middle during their sexy rendition of Jingle Bell Rock? The drama is infectious.

And I love it!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host Chris Harrison starts the morning off by reminding the Bachelorettes that what went down with Roz the night before is a thing of the past. Jake feels it is important for everyone to move on as if nothing inappropriate with a staffer ever happened. He did, however, forget to mention that Jake grew a pair over night and that the girls should be prepared. But whatever.

One-On-One Date One
Let’s Go Head over Heels Together
Vienna

Vienna cries when Gia reads her name as the first one-on-one date card winner. She becomes so emotional that she begins to ramble on about how she wants Jake to see the super fun girl that the Bachelorettes all know and love. She skips upstairs to pick out the perfect head over heels outfit and to pack.

Michelle: “I think of myself as a very, VERY attractive woman. And Vienna…she’s totally opposite of who I am as far as what I see on the outside.”

Michelle’s total un-attachment to reality is fascinating to me.

Ali admits that she feels betrayed and that it’s weird to see him on another date. She decides to write about it in her burn book.

Jake arrives on his hog and Vienna climbs aboard. The other girls wave from the front door, all wearing string bikinis.

Jake: “Vienna appears to be the life of the party. She acts as if she’s still in college. I sort of like that fun side of her, but I like how she’s blunt and honest too. She is a little out of my comfort zone, but that’s what this adventure is all about. What if my wife is out of my comfort zone? I’m going to have to journey there to find her. And Vienna just might be it.”

Jake and Vienna sit together on a rock. Jake is looking like he’d rather be ANYWHERE ELSE than on that rock with Vienna. She is oblivious to his body language and insists on wrapping her hands around his arm and inner thigh. Jake tries to make small talk by asking if she has ever done anything wild and crazy before.

Vienna: “I went zip lining when I was with my family in Jamaica. It was my graduation present. No wait. It was my honeymoon. It was totally awesome.”

Jake gives her a weak smile and then looks up to see a helicopter landing in his front yard. Vienna says she is scared of helicopters and Jake does everything he can, within reason, to comfort her. He decides to hold her hand. She hangs on for dear life, flinging a leg over his leg…mere inches away from practically sitting in his lap. Jake looks like he might hurl.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, we get a glimpse of Michelle’s stripper tat. NICE. The girls are soaking up the rays talking trash about Vienna. Ali tells Tenley to stop trying to make “fetch” happen. It’s never going to happen.

Back in the middle of nowhere, the chopper lands on a big white “X” that has been painted on a bridge. Vienna looks down and begins to get gangster on Jake.

Vienna: “Oh no you didn’t! I am NOT going to bungee jump off a bridge. You are BLEEPING nuts. Excuse me driver. Turn this mother around and take me back because I refuse to do this.”

Jake admits that he is about to squirt his pants too because he is deathly afraid of heights. He has almost hurled his morning protein shake twice because he knew this moment was coming.

The duo are harnessed up by the bungee jumping team. Both have turned a sick mixture of green and paste as they convince each other to not look down in the ravine. Just keep looking up. It’s the wings of love way. Then they huddle together and pray. The bungee team is like, “Dude. You are a freaking pilot. Are you for real here?” Jake explains that he likes to be enclosed. The bungee guys run out for some taquitos because this process takes way longer than it should have. But they are getting paid by the hour so no one is complaining.

Jake: “Vienna is perfect for this date. She hates heights. I hate heights. We can overcome our fears together. Let’s face it. I know I have abs of steel, but I can’t be strong 100 percent of the time. I want to rely on my friend who turns into my wife. Wow. This is really high. Does anyone have a paper bag? I feel dizzy. Does anyone else feel dizzy?”

Vienna, who started out faking her fear of heights, has now decided that this is her opportunity to take control and show Jake that he can depend on her…no matter what.

Vienna: “Calm down Jakey. Listen to my voice. We can do this. We are going to do this. Together, we can last forever. It’s just you and me. I’m here for you. You can count on me. I’m the only one. I’ll stand by you. I’ll stand by you. Won’t let nobody, including a bungee cord, hurt you. I’ll stand by you. Now let’s fly. The wings of love way. 3-2-1…”

And they fling off the bridge. Vienna screams a high pitched scream. We later learn that it was Jake’s voice, but that is neither here nor there. Then Jake throws up in her hair.

Just kidding. But how awesome would that have been?

As they bounced up and down and up and down, Jake decides to kiss Vienna for the first time. Then he throws up in her mouth.

Just kidding. But how awesome would that have been?

Instead, it resembled something like this…without the mask.

Although, I personally prefer this one:

Jake: “It was high. I was panicking. I was terrified. And I kissed her. We overcame our fears as a couple. I’m quite confident that we could get through anything together if we could get through that moment. She rose to the occasion. We fell and we made it work.”

Vienna: “Actually, we jumped and we were awesome.”

Jake thinks that the jump brought them closer. They experienced a life threatening moment together. And they came out the other side stronger and wiser. Plus, he is super stoked to know that she has a nurturing side. He wouldn’t have taken that leap with anyone else.

Then for the next 30 minutes of their date, they talk about exactly what I wrote above. He kept bringing up her fearlessness. He kept bringing up her nurturing side. She kept telling him how awesome he is. I kept wondering why he had on flip flops. He kept talking about his best friend. She kept talking about how they shared a wonderful moment. I kept fast forwarding to double check that Jake had on black underwear that was peeking from his jeans. The jeans he wore with flip flops. They kept agreeing how there are no words to describe perfect love.

But there are words to describe Vienna’s bikini. Chartreuse and random butt ruffle come to mind. They hang out for 10 minutes in the hot tub talking about how they brushed death that day whilst feeding on strawberries and what appear to be cherry tomatoes. Jake “forgets” something and goes back inside. He comes back out with the rose.

Jake: “Your honesty and willingness to live even when the odds are stacked against you is refreshing. I had stern questions tonight and you had great answers. I’m glad you are here. Literally. Because we could have died today. And since we didn’t, will you accept this rose?”

Vienna giggles and gives Jake a peck. Then they decide to take this action to the pool. For some reason, Vienna chooses a graceful belly flop entrance, dog paddles over to Jake and proceeds to stick her tongue down his throat.

Vienna: “He’s amazing. He is my Prince Charming. He’s the real thing. I had the best time of my life…so far…today. But the best day will be when I marry him. I’m not on cloud nine anymore. I’m on cloud Jake!”

Remember to wear a condom.

Jake: “In case I haven’t told you, I’m here to find my best friend. And then marry her. Vienna and I almost died today. We have an emotional bond that can’t be broken. She continues to surprise me.”

Speaking of surprises, the girls were all WHAT THE WHAT when Vienna walked back in the mansion with a rose. Most have a serious problem with this revelation and are trying to keep their eye twitching, back stabbing and secret voodoo techniques under control as Vienna gives a moment-by-moment replay of her near death experience with Jake. I thought the mansion was going to implode at one point. For real.

GROUP DATE
The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn and Michelle
Love is No Laughing Matter…Or Is It?

Guess what? Michelle has a problem with this situation. She really, really, really wants a one-one-one time. She’s decided instead of being her normal, brooding self, she is going to try and have fun and not take herself too seriously. Just like every person in her immediate circle of friends told her during that intervention they held a few days before she headed out to LA to be on the show.

Michelle is first to spot Jake. She takes off like a bullet and hurls herself onto his body with all of her 97-pound might. She closes her eyes and begins breathing in deeply. She wants to channel his essence.

Jake leads the ladies to a Comedy Club hosted by Jon Lovitz. Elizabeth and Jake have to explain to all the girls that Jon was on Saturday Night Live when it was funny.

Elizabeth: “You know Dana Carey, right?”
Girls give a blank stare.
Jake: “C’mon. Phil Hartman?”
Girls look puzzled.
Elizabeth: “Chris Farley?”
Girls shake their heads in confusion.
Jake: “Mike Meyers. You all know Mike Meyers.”
Tenley: “Was he on The Hills that one time?”
Jake: “He’s the voice of Shrek.”
Girls: “OH! He’s so cool!”
Jake: “And he’s Austin Powers!”
Girls give a blank stare.
Elizabeth to Jake: “Groovy baby! Do I make you horny?”

Jake looks confused, rolls his eyes and then introduced Jon to the group.

Back at the mansion, the final one-on-one date card arrives. Vienna asks for a drum roll. Valishia is the only one that obliges. She reads Ella’s name and Ella gives herself spirit sprinkles.

Vienna: “OMG Ella. You are going to have such an amazing time. He is an amazing man. A one-on-one date with him is so special. All of the attention is on YOU and YOU get to kiss him and hold him and touch him and belly flop in the pool. It’s awesome.”

Gia: “Quit stealing Ella’s moment. Everyone is tired of hearing about your date, okay? I AM YOUR ONLY FRIEND AND YOU ARE LOSING ME.”

Ashleigh is also about to lose something…her lunch. She has just learned that the girls will be performing stand-up comedy in front of a live audience.

Ash: “I have a great poker face and a necklace made from broken glass. I scream confidence! Now I’m the nervous girl who can’t be funny. And I’ve cried my makeup off and developed a snotty nose that makes me sound nasally. This blows.”

Ali: “Why did Tigger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.”

Michelle: “I can’t stand Tigger. Or any of the animals from the Hundred Acre Woods. And don’t get me started on Christopher Robin. Ali is a child.”

Tenley folds herself into a human pretzel. And every dude in the audience looks up at Jake, gives him a knowing head nod and buys him a beer.

Michelle: “I can’t believe she would go to such lengths to show Jake how flexible she is. Hey. Newsflash. I’m bendy too. Tenley is a skank.”

Elizabeth: “I traveled all around the country looking for love. I thought I found it in Utah. The guy had a long BLEEP. It was exhausting because I have two BLEEPS.”

Michelle: “She is filth. Jake should not be around such filth. Elizabeth is a dirty whore.”

Kathryn asks Jake to come down on stage with her. She asks him to get closer, and closer, and closer and then she kisses him.

Kathryn: “Sorry everyone. I don’t have a joke. I just wanted to see how those lips taste.”

That sound you heard was Michelle laughing hysterically from the balcony.

Michelle: “How pathetic! When I kiss Jake, it’s going to be long and passionate, soft, crazy tongue in your mouth going crazy with pulling hair and ripping the clothes off. I have something up my sleeves to blow them out of the water. Kathryn is a fool.”

Michelle then tells a “joke” about how the palm trees don’t have coconuts and then she points to her boobs. Jake gives a questionable look. Then she talks about golf and how she happens to be on the green and that she waiting for a hole to get one-on-one time.

I’m assuming this is a sexual innuendo.

The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie decides to take one for the team. She impersonates all the girls in the house. She mocks Tenley for being obsessed with working out. (Hey…Ariel’s costume shows the mid-drift area. We can’t have The Little Mermaid sporting any spare tires. Back off TGYCRN Corrie.) We learn that apparently Kathryn curses like a sailor. There was a moment when she wielded a rather large butcher knife and Psycho music played. Not sure who that could be.

And then she goes off for the majority of her time on Vienna. Boobs, blond hair extensions, more boobs, talking crap and a moment of toplessness it seems.

Jake: “I noticed that all the girls were laughing uncontrollably when that girl was doing her Vienna impression. Michelle even stood up and applauded. I think they see a side of her that I don’t. That worries me a bit.”

Ashleigh bats last and tells a string of moderately funny blond jokes. She is visibly relieved that the night is over. She is also visibly sloshed. Good times.

Jake takes the girls to a rooftop wrap party. My! This looks familiar! It has all the makings of a super fun time with champagne and fondue and little pieces of angel food cake to dip in chocolate. But Jake decides to take it to a serious level because there are several things bugging him.

1. Why does everyone hate Vienna?
2. How can Elizabeth be so old fashioned and not want to kiss, yet tells a group of strangers that a fella she met in Utah had a big BLEEP?
3. Why is it when I turn and make eye contact with Michelle, she licks her lips?

He begins with Tenley.

Tenley: “I have something to tell you. I’m pregnant. Just kidding. I was married. He left me for another woman. They had an affair. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. I believe in marriage. I am meant to be loved and have so much to give. My story only makes me better. I would kiss you but I don’t want to get lipstick all over you. Oh we’re kissing? Okay. I’ll stop talking and enjoy this. It’s the second time I’ve kissed a man since the cheater. Stop talking? Okay. You smell good.”

Then moves to Ashleigh.

Ashleigh: “I hate that you wasted a rose on Vienna. If that is what you like, you will not like me. The girls were upset, myself included, if that is what you are looking for, I’m not the girl for you.”

Jake is surprised that so many girls hate Vienna. And he’s sad that she’s not there to defend herself.

It’s okay Jake. She’s defending herself plenty right now with Gia.

Gia: “NO ONE WANTS DRAMA VIENNA! (Did you get my good side when I said that? Should I inflect a little more on her name?)
Vienna: “What drama?”
Valishia: “When you aren’t around, we have a great time.”

Valishia with the claws coming out. SHE SPEAKS!

Vienna: “You don’t know what Jake wants. YOU DON’T. All of you are fake as can be. FAKE! You’re nothing but hard, cold PLASTIC!”

So she goes up to talk to the ABC psychotherapist in her bedroom. The ABC psychotherapist encourages her to process through the emotions by writing Jake a letter. Vienna borrows a bright yellow legal pad from the ABC legal team (who are on-call 24-hours now) and pens a letter to Jake. After pausing at precisely the right moment, my friend the DVR allowed me to pick up on these precious words:

“If you are reading this letter, then I am gone.” I also can confirm there were two “whatevers” and a frowny face emoticon. She musters up some tears and leans over her paper so they can drop down. Then she circles them and says, “These are the same tears that pulled your through the darkness to the light. Remember always.”

Back at the rooftop wrap party from hell, Jake meets with Ali.

Ali: “Thank you so much for saying that our date was amazing and the best one you’ve had. Because if I didn’t know better, I’d say your near death experience with Vienna was the best you’ve experienced while on this journey. Speaking of, when she came in with a rose, I almost cried. She is fundamentally different from me. I mean, it’s like she’s in love with me or something. I think she might be a lesbian. And she totally thinks she’s getting Spring Fling Queen. Whatever.”

Jake: “I’m so confused. Everyone hates Vienna. Everyone is crying. Everyone is telling me deep dark secrets. It’s hard dating so many women when these pesky feelings get in the way. I’m trying to make them all happy. It’s just going to get harder I fear.”

Triumphant in her tossing of Vienna under the bus, Ali goes back to the fondue table to propose a toast. Or so we think…

Ali: “We all know that Vienna isn’t right for Jake. It’s time for her to be voted off the island. Thank you to that girl for making fun of her at the comedy club and showing Jake Vienna’s true colors. Random Girl, you did Jake such justice tonight. I salute you and would like to make you an offer to be my number two. Cheers everyone.”

But what’s this? Michelle is not cheering. Let’s face it…she’s not the cheering type, but still. Regina George does not intimidate Michelle.

Ali: “Michelle…are you in? It’s a pact. Clink your BLEEPING glass.”

Michelle: “I’m here to find love and get married. I’m ready to give my Mom a grandbaby. Everyone in my family says that it is my turn. Not that I’m desperate, but I’ll be there in the end for sure. I want one-on-one time.”

Ali: “You need to bow down right now or you’re going under the bus too. Now I’ll give you another shot to clink your glass or else.”

Michelle: “My brother is married and my Mom wants a grandchild.”

Ali: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Elizabeth: “She doesn’t need a husband. She needs a therapist.”

Best line of the night. Kudos to Elizabeth.

Michelle sulks off to the corner of the rooftop and begins crying. Poor Jake sees her there and is forced to try and have a somewhat normal conversation.

Michelle: “I’m not over emotional or dramatic…even though I’ve been crying every time you see me. I’m the only person here for you Jake. I really, really, want a husband.”

Per direction of the ABC Psychotherapist, Jake speaks slowly and quietly as not to wake the other demons.

Jake: “I believe you.”

Michelle: “Remember I stressed out and packed my bags. I can’t continue on this journey if you are not feeling the same way as I do. Would it be awkward if I could kiss you to see if I can feel something?”

Jake looks at the ABC Psychotherapist and gets the go ahead. He reluctantly leans in for the kiss. Cold. Unemotional. Kiss. He pulls away.

Michelle: “You have to give me something more than that. What in the world? Why is your head down? LOOK ME IN THE EYES.”

The men with the straight jackets creep up a little closer.

Jake: “I’m ready for this night to be over. I just need to digest what I’m feeling.”

Michelle: “Well Jake. You leave me no choice. I can’t stay. I really want to stay because I feel that we have a connection. To spend this time with you and not be able to kiss you hurts me.”

Jake: “You said once that you would leave, but you didn’t. And now you’ve decided tonight that you want to go?”

Michelle: “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”

Jake: “I think it would be better if you did leave.”

BOOYAH!

It is at this point I pull out my car keys and begin shaking them at Michelle.

Michelle: “I came here to find a man and get married. He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue. I wanted to kiss him. He gave me a peck. What is that all about? You stay in a house for two weeks and hope you will marry. He is not for me.
I felt in my heart that I had made the right decision and that made it easy. I will find a man. And I will procreate. You watch. YOU WATCH AMERICA!”

Jake: “Love is a two-way street. Unfortunately for Michelle, she doesn’t know how to get there. But she now knows that you leave in a green taxi. So long my crazy friend. I wish you well in all your endeavors.”

Jake returns to the ladies and tells them that he asked Michelle to leave. He reminded them that he doesn’t have to wait for a rose ceremony to send someone home. He decides to not give a rose out on his date and returns home to think things through. Then he leaves them there with cold fondue.

This gesture of power and strength turns Ali on and she vows to the camera that he will be hers at the end of this journey.

One-On-One Date Two
Ella’s date
Let’s Lift Off to Another World

I’m going to go ahead and save us all a bunch of time here. Ella is sweet. Ella seems genuine enough. But Ella and Jake have ZERO chemistry. I mean ZERO. Unless ABC is editing the footage to death, I can’t see these two ending up together. And since I was so bored during this date, I am going to bring back an old favorite of mine…

Top 10 Thoughts I Experienced During Jakes One-On-One Date with Ella

1. Oh look. Another helicopter ride. GET NEW IDEAS ABC.

2. The humidity at Sea World did a number on Ella’s hair.

3. I wonder what the big surprise could be? Gee. It’s Ethan. Too bad they aren’t on a beach so he can tackle his mom ala Stephanie and her daughter during Jason’s season. SERIOUSLY ABC. CALL ME. I WILL GIVE YOU IDEAS.

4. How many of you wondered if Jake was going to give the little airplane back to Ethan?

5. How many of you wondered if Ethan was going to say, “Hey! I thought I lost that at school!”

6. How come Ella is wearing a blue dress in some shots and an orange tank top and denim jacket in others? Did she get wet by the big killer whale? Did one of the staffers have to give her her clothes? Now that’s good TV people!

7. How many hours do you think Ethan had to pretend to play with an airplane while his Mommy and his Mommy’s friend talked about rearing children and hypothetical proposals?

8. How cute are baby penguins?

9. Did we all appreciate the product placement of a successful Bachelor run with the shout out to Trista and Ryan?

10. Did anyone else hear the squawking geese or flamingos (do they squawk) as Ella and Jake were trying to have a special moment at dinner?

Back at the mansion, Vienna tells the camera that no one is sleeping in her room because they are jealous of her relationship with Jake. She feels the best way to get on their good side is to gather them all together and offer a collective apology.

Most of the girls accept until they get the ole evil eye from Ali.

Ali: “I don’t care that you apologized. None of us do. I wasn’t jealous because another girl went on a date with Jake. I was mad because YOU went on a date with Jake. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Track pants are only allowed on the weekends. You can’t sit with us.”

I have to say that ABC is editing the crap out of this situation too. I know I have a tendency to daydream about other topics while watching this show, but I really don’t remember Vienna being all that bad. Did I miss something while making a grilled cheese sandwich last week?

ROSE CEREMONY

Jake decides that this week has been rough on the old emotions. But there is still work to be done. He’s going to try and get some answers in order to make his decision.

Jake: “Elizabeth. Will you join me on the veranda?”

Elizabeth: “Sure. But remember. No kissing. You have to be a man and hold to your convictions and not kiss me. Are you good at back rubs? I want to experience them later.”

Jake: “You are the queen of mixed signals. You play games.”

Elizabeth: “Like how? Don’t kiss me. Do you want to kiss me? You should want to kiss me. I’m a very good kisser. I do want to kiss you. The reason it is hard, I do have a jealous side…it’s very hard. It’s interesting.”

Jake: “I’ve known people who don’t kiss for spiritual reasons. I don’t think that’s the case for you.”

Elizabeth: “Gosh no. It’s not. That’s how I show affection. But don’t tease me. Are you saying you need to kiss me to feel it for me? We’ll see. I want to. I really do.”

Jake to the camera: “I know she wants to kiss me but she’s not going to let me but she’s going to tease me about how much she wants me to.”

Vienna walks up and steals Jake away. Elizabeth calls for reinforcements and tells the girls that she won’t get a rose unless she kisses Jake.

Yeah. That’s what I got out of that conversation too, you big tease.

Elizabeth: “He wanted me to kiss him, but he thinks I’m sending mixed signals. He thinks I’m a tease. I’m shocked! Where did he come up with me playing games? He’s confused by me. And then, Vienna interrupted my time.”

Ali slams her glass down and goes to find Vienna.

Elizabeth: “He says it’s so important that I kiss him. I’m not just vanilla. I’m all different colors of the rainbow. Or ice cream flavors. Whatever. I can find a man. Look at me. Tears, tears, tears…bathroom, snot, Kleenex.”

Ali tells Vienna that she is going down because she took Elizabeth’s one-on-one time and she already has a rose. She says that everyone in the house hurts because of her selfish ways.

Then Vienna pushes her in front of an oncoming bus.

Elizabeth…still talking to the camera guy: “I’m not just a fish in a pond waiting for a hook. I am getting the best. He needs to know that I choose HIM. I am 29 and could be married by now. Have you seen me?”

Our Host escorts Jake into the Pier One Bookcase room. Jake longingly picks up Elizabeth’s photo, symbolically kisses it and heads out to hand out roses. He tells the camera that he is not afraid of sending the wrong woman home.

Roses go to:

Vienna
Ella, Ella, Ella
Gia’s Lips
The Girl’s Name You Can’t Remember Corrie
Tenley
Ali
Jessie
Kathryn
Ashleigh

Valishia walks away with some dignity. She tells the camera that she is used to things NOT going her way. Then she proceeds to ugly cry on national TV. Bless her heart.

Elizabeth tells Jake she should have kissed him. Everyone within hearing range nods their head in agreement. The ABC intern says she can kiss him anytime. The go make out behind a bush.

Next week…BACHELOR ROAD TRIP! How fun is that going to be? Sure we have Psycho Michelle and Elizabeth the Tease gone, but there’s always Vienna drama and the reign of Ali to contend with.

Plus, Jake gets pissed and throws a rose in the FIRE! Burn, baby BURN!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

I’m writing a letter to Jake on yellow notebook paper.  After that, I’m going to search the upside down Spiderman kiss on YouTube so I can include it in my recap.

So much to do.  So little time.

My heart aches for the millions of people who are suffering and struggling in Haiti.  Whether it’s financially or prayerfully, I encourage you to support them in this desperate time of need.

 * * * * * * * * * *

This week was chock-full of Bachelor related random news.  I decided to go ahead and throw it all out on the table so we can discuss the crazy train-wreck of a show we all love to hate on.  

Let’s begin!

Photo Surfaces of Roz’s Producer Snuggling Friend

Look at this!  He seems like a jolly good fella.  He seems to be happy and laughing.  We know he has a great job.  Wait—he had a great job at ABC.  He must be charming with a great personality in order to snag one of the hottest chicks in Jake’s harem.  True, he might be lacking in the integrity department.  I’m just saying.  But I have to admit that in the looks department?  Jake wins.  Those teeth.  Those eyes.  I know we can’t see them, but those abs!  TEAM JAKE!  

 Bachelor Bob Splits with Wife

 According to People.com, Bachelor Bob has split with his All My Childrenwife.  The news story explains that they will forever be BFFs, still call each other every day, are saddened by the separation and neither have yet to file for divorce.  

 Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  

 Bachelor Bob is going to be joining the frivolity of those invited to THE BACHELOR PAD!  Or he’s gay.  I’m not sure.

 Speaking of…

 THE BACHELOR PAD

 No one.  I repeat…NO ONE is as excited about this show as I am.  It’s going to be a gloriously embarrassing one hour each week that will both make me hide under my couch while shouting, “OH NO HE/SHE DIDN’T!!!” at the TV.  Can.  Not.  Wait.

 I can’t even begin to choose my dream team of contestants.  There are too many!  Off the top of my head, I would say Hotter than Crap Brad, Reid Kyptinite and Bob the Bachelor.  And don’t get me started on the girls…

 What do you guys think?  Will you tune in to this show?  If so, who are your picks?

First things first:  you guys ROCK!  And so does webMAN.  Let’s give everyone a round of applause for sheer awesomeness.  Go on.  Pat yourself on the back because I have to say…I have the coolest readers ever.  I truly do.  Thank you all for taking the time to send me sweet notes about the newspaper thing and then voting IHGB for a blog award.  I am overwhelmed.  I’m doing what I love and it seems silly to be recognized for it. 

One more thing before we fly off to cloud nine:  I’ve just read on People.com that there is going to be a new show debuting this summer called Bachelor Pad.  Here’s what they have to say about the plot:

“Old rivalries and dramas from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette will get new life this year as ABC is creating a spin-off show in which former contestants will live and compete together in a Big Brother-style house.  The show will bring back 20 memorable contestants from the previous 13 Bachelor and five Bachelorette seasons.”

Oh my heavenly days.  Could this show BE more perfect for me?  The possibilities of who these Bachelors and Bachelorettes are could make me spontaneously combust if I think about it too much.  Definitely a post for later in the week.  I’m going to put together my dream team and share with the masses.  Hotter than Crap Brad is definitely invited to play on the island.  Can’t.  Hardly.  Wait.  Twenty bucks says He Who Must Not Be Named is already signed on.  BRING IT ABC!  HE DOESN’T SCARE ME! 

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I attempt to put myself out there on the non-Bachelor related entries of this website.  But one thing that I’ve never written about is how I have incredible intuition.  I mean INCREDIBLE.  Sadly, I often don’t listen or recognize at the moment that my incredible intuition is kicking in and I am forced to be disappointed later. 

For example:  yesterday after work was my first time to go to physical therapy for my knee.  You’ll be happy to know that I drove myself there and did not have to be embarrassed because Dr. Mosley’s initials are no longer a permanent tattoo on my knee cap.  SHOWERING WITHOUT A TRASH BAG ON YOUR LEG IS AMAZING! 

The word you are looking for is, “Anyway…”

PT Ben was making me squeeze and bend and straighten and pretty much hurting everything from hip to toe on the right side when it hit me.  I thought to myself, “I need to leave because it’s almost 7:00 and The Bachelor comes on tonight.  It’s not going to record.”

It was a nagging feeling that just would not go away.  But I kept convincing myself that I was crazy, because it recorded last week fine all by itself.  Why would this week be any different?  So I pressed through some electro-shock treatment on my quad muscle and tried to shake the feeling off.

At 7:25, I walked through my door and marched straight to the DVR.  Yes.  The little red light is on.  But the nagging feeling said, “Check the list.  It’s recording something else.”  I think I laughed out loud at myself and went to the kitchen to grab a Dr Pepper.  (Electro-shock treatment is hard on the system and I deserved a cold one.)  But the nagging got the best of me and I flipped to my DVR list to see what was recording.

Chuck and How I Met Your Mother.

Have I told you that I have incredible intuition?

I scream a little too loudly for an apartment complex, but not loud enough that the neighbors would be concerned.  I frantically turn to ABC and hit the record button.

Needless to say, I was able to watch the first 30 minutes of the show on ABC.com this morning.  Which I am so thankful for because the first 30 minutes and the last 30 minutes were the BEST parts!  Too bad I’m going to have nightmares from the Lovely Bones commercials I had to sit through online every 10 minutes. 

“My name is Suzy.  I was 14-years-old…when I was MURDERED.”

I’m sorry, but shouldn’t the movie advertisement during The Bachelor online episodes be something a little more light-hearted?  That Leap Year movie perhaps?  Or the one called Valentine’s Day with a cast of thousands that looks like it was made for me personally?  I don’t really care for creeped out Stanley Tucci as the killer neighbor.  Mark Wahlberg in 70s attire?  Perfectly acceptable.  He’s the best part of the trailer.  Otherwise, no thank you.  I mean, how foolish did I look at my office desk with my face hidden behind my hands and the volume turned down? 

I believe the word you are looking for is, “Anyway…”

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

FIRST GROUP DATE

“A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words”

Gia, Roz, Valisha, The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie, Samantha Jones and Ashleigh the Blond

Raise your hand if you thought Jake’s shirt was a little too plunging?  He was a few gold chains and some black chest hair away from being called Guido for the duration of this season.  Is this a shout out to the Jersey Shore kids Jake?  Try a fist pump next time. 

Jake tells us that he is on cloud nine because there are 15 women in the mansion…one who will be the future Mrs. Pavelka.  He enters the front door and all the ladies scream in unison.  The six lucky group daters are escorted out to an SUV limo as the remaining girls shout, “WE’LL MISS YOU JAKE!” from the front door.  Ugh. 

Let the record show that Roz’s dress was exactly two-feet long.  Her cup literally runneth over. 

A know-it-all ruins the surprise and tells everyone that they are headed to Santa Monica where we meet up with Jake’s friend Hal who just happens to be the fashion director for In Style magazine.  The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie reveals that In Style is her fashion Bible and is super stoked to learn that they are about to be in a photo shoot.

Samantha Jones:  “This is a nightmare.  There are several girls here who have modeling experience.  I would rather be doing a math test right now.”

Now what would the real Samantha Jones say about that remark girl?  Get your head in the game.   And your cleavage.  COME ON!

Jake tells the camera that he wants to see who can be playful and just have fun with the shoot.  Roz asks The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie is she’s ever “done this” before. 

TGYCRNC:  “Are you kidding me?  No.  I haven’t ever done anything like this.  Have you?  Wait!  You’re a model!  Of course you’ve done this!”

Roz (super casual):  “Yeah.  I’ve done it a few times for the last 10 years.  It’s no big deal.  I’m more of a bridal model.  Do you see how I worked that in?  The winner of this show gets to be a bride for a little while.  I’m way higher on the model scale than, say, Gia.  She’s a total lingerie model.  And by that I mean she’s the one who is on the billboards for those X-rated places you see on long stretches of interstate highways.  But whatever.” 

Roz then goes on to say that Jake looks amazing shirtless and that she wants to bite him.

Meanwhile, Samantha Jones sits with Valisha the Homemaker and talks about how Roz and Gia are models and that Ashleigh was once in the Miss America pageant.  Poor Valisha somehow got the shaft and was wardrobed in a dress that resembled anything one might wear to your typical baby shower.  No sparkles for the homemaker.

Samantha Jones:  “I’m super nervous.  My hands are sweating like a five-year-old getting ready to go out for recess with his girlfriend.”

 

Roz is first to model and knocks it out of the park.  Jake is asked to enter the frame and she hikes her leg up around his waist within minutes.  It is confirmed by both Samantha Jones, as well as a blurred out “modesty patch” courtesy of the ABC editing department that Roz showed her who-ha. 

The photographer admits that Roz will be a tough act to follow.  He encourages the other girls to “think of something dirty” or “think of something sweet” or “give Jake a kiss” or “just relax your shoulders a bit.”  Samantha Jones asks him to make her picture skinnier with bigger boobs.

Seriously Samantha?  Confidence! 

Jake notices that Samantha Jones is freaking out and decides that he should go in and help her with her nerves.  He playfully starts dancing and dipping, and Samantha visibly begins to relax before our very eyes.  Jake took control and I love that about him.  He knew she was self-conscious in front of the other girls and he felt bad. 

Samantha Jones feels safe and secure with Jason and begins crying when she realizes that she is on cloud nine and in love with our beloved Bachelor.

Due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control, from this point on Samantha Jones will be known as her real name:  Christina.

*** “My name is Suzy.  I was 14-years-old when I was MURDERED.” ***

Stupid commercial.

Back at the Shangri Lai hotel, Jake treats the ladies to a wrap party.  He decides to whisk Gia away to talk about her past relationships.

Jake:  “So how many serious relationships have you been in?”

Gia:  “I was involved with a guy for six years.”

Lincee:  Gee.  I guess that relationship started in kindergarten.  Look at that.  Five-year-olds can have girlfriends like the Bachelorette Formerly Known As Samantha Jones eluded. 

While Jake is intently listening to Gia go on and on about how her boyfriend was the popular one at the lunch table, he becomes distracted by a figure making its way towards the duo. 

Ashleigh has decided to change into her teeny black bikini and invite the Bachelor into the pool for a dip.  Jake is unable to concentrate as Ashleigh pulls him away from Gia…who quickly proclaims that she will be putting on her own bikini since she is a fit/fitness model.  Jake doesn’t hear anything because he’s too busy being mesmerized by Ashleigh’s body.

Jake makes a big production out of standing behind a curtain for the big reveal of his own swimsuit to Ashleigh.  I don’t know if I thought this was cute or if I was just ready to see him shirtless again, but I noticed my heart racing a bit.  COME OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN JAKE! 

He swings the curtains open and Ashleigh’s head goes back in a seductive laugh.  They get in the pool.  Ironically, it was cold, so they have no choice but to huddle together to generate body heat.  The ABC intern did a great job of hiding all the Styrofoam coolers he hauled in just an hour before have dumping pounds and pound of ice in the CALIFORNIA SWIMMING POOL. 

Ashleigh:  “Jake is hot.  And our bathing suits match.  That is totally a sign.  We definitely had chemistry.  I totally felt something.”

Lincee:  Oh really Ashleigh?  The way you were straddling him, I can take a guess as to what you felt.  (So dirty.  I know.  Nobody reads this…)

Back at the mansion, a date box arrives and Nutbag Michelle goes into a conniption fit as Kathryn retrieves the velvet box.  Michelle begins to breathe in through the nose and out the mouth to try and regain some sort of composure.  Inside the box is a diamond necklace.  But alas!  There is only a note from Our Host Chris Harrison!  No one knows who will get to wear it on the one-on-one date with Jake!

In true psycho form, Michelle grabs the necklace and announces that she is going to put it on.  Elizabeth catches her arm and announces, “Oh no you are not!”  But Michelle is just enough out of touch with reality that she dismisses the warning and clasps it around her neck anyway.

Michelle:  “I’m putting it on.  Because I have a feeling that the woman who puts the necklace on will be the one who gets the one-on-one date.”

She starts shaking uncontrollably in a fit of satisfaction as the others jerk the necklace off.  Then she sits in a dark corner, stroking an imaginary cat muttering something about, “My precious.”

Back at the frigid swimming pool, Christina pulls Jake behind a curtain to convey her true feelings. 

Christina:  “I like totally like struggled with like being like the normal girl at the photo shoot today.  It was like really annoying.  But like you came in and like rescued me.  I like think you are totally awesome.  You are totally like my pilot on like wings of love dude.  Totally.  I need another shot.”

Jake:  “It was disappointing to me how Christina drank so much at the wrap party and turned into a valley girl.  Thankfully, Roz was came through that curtain like a breath of fresh air in her red bikini.  She is smoking hot.  I want to get to know her better.  She is so mysterious.  It’s like she’s hiding something from me and I want to figure out what it is.  What was I talking about again?  Oh right Christina.  What a drunk.”

Roz takes Jake to the roof and conveniently forgets her towel.  Being the gentleman…and man…Jake is, he shares his towel with the freezing cold Roz.  Think body heat and friction.  She whines about how she hasn’t had any one-on-one time. 

Jake:  “Well…you have me alone now.”

They begin to make out like soft core porn stars.  They kiss.  Jake smiles.  They kiss again.  Jake smiles.  Then he tells her to hang on and he runs downstairs to get the rose.  He tells her “thank you for hanging in there” and gives her the rose.  Cue the fake tears, a little more friction and they are making out again.

Roz:  “I like this feeling of accomplishment.  I’m competitive.  But I’m winning.  This could get messy and result in a cat fight or mud wrestling.  Whatever it takes to get on top.  If you get in my way, I’ll kick you.  Kick you hard.”

*** “My name is Suzy.  I was 14-years-old when I was MURDERED.” ***

Stupid commercial.

 One-One-One Date

“Come Fly With Me”

The next morning, the diamond necklace is still on the coffee table.  Everyone is sitting around drinking coffee from their bright mugs wondering who the lucky girl is going to be!  The door bell rings and Michelle runs with reckless abandon to fetch the envelope.  With shaking hands, closed eyes and head bowed, she makes a silent plea to Aphrodite…the goddess of love…to please make this one wish come true.

She opens the envelope and reads Ali’s name aloud. 

Ali begins crying.  Tenley hugs her in congratulations.  Roz rendezvous with a “staffer” while Valisha bakes everyone cookies.  Ella goes to chop Ethan’s teddy bear’s head off and Michelle finds her favorite spot in the basement to brood. 

Jake:  “I’m glad I’m going on this date with Ali.  My first impression of her is that she’s the complete package.  And it is going to be HILARIOUS flying her around in a plane.  Did you know she is afraid of planes?  I’m going to conquer that fear of hers today.  It’s the wings of love way.”

Ali:  “I’m ready to go anywhere with Jake.  And I mean anywhere.  Who cares that I’m in a strapless yellow dress with gold spiky heels and he wants me to ride around with a ginormous helmet on the back of his motorcycle.  Do you understand what this means?  I have the chance to feel his abs through his bomber jacket.  I’ll take it!  I’m on cloud nine!”

Jake takes her to the airport and shows her the puddle jumper they will be flying to Palm Springs.  He gets all up in her grill fastening her seat belt for her and then proceeds to do several pre-flight checks that inevitably have him bending over things so we can get a tight shot of his smile or his butt.

No complaints from me or Ali.

He flings his bomber jacket over his shoulder, puts on his aviator sunglasses and hops in the cockpit, promising Ali she is in good hands. 

They take off and Ali miraculously isn’t afraid of flying anymore.  She trusts her pilot to float her around the great state of California all day long. 

Ali:  “Jake is so calm up there.  And his teeth are so white.  I love good hygiene.  It was a perfect day.  I felt like instead of the plane taking off, it was our relationship that was taking off.”

Aaaannnnnnnddddddd there it is.  Cue the music.

Awwwww!  Flying high upon the wings of love.  Two crazy kids just rolling around in an old timey car, eating dinner on a Polo field and being serenaded by Chicago.

Seriously ABC?  Chicago?  I mean, I love me some Peter Cetera, but A.) he wasn’t there and B.) a quick iTunes search told me that Chicago does not have a CD that is dropping in the next month or two. 

I find this artist selection odd. 

But Jake does not.  He is so excited that he wants to grab Ali’s hand and run down to the opposite end of the Polo field and dance the night away. 

Let’s recap for a minute:  Ali had to ride a motorcycle in a dress and spiky heels.  Ali had to put a helmet on her hair and mess it up.  Ali had to swallow her own fear and probably a little throw up and fly when it is a known fact that she doesn’t enjoy the activity.  She hits her head as she exits the plane.  Now home boy wants her to run down an embankment to rush the stage at a private Chicago party?

Alright.

Ali kicks off her heels and hoists her dress every fourth or fifth step as Jake looks back adoringly.  They begin to dance and then Jake goes in for a pretty decent kiss.  Then it got uncomfortable.  They held it long enough for Gary the camera guy to pan in and out nine times.  Being the good TEXAS boy Jake is, he tries to pretzel Ali who gets all confused when he whips her around to the back.  That or her boob fell out.  I couldn’t be sure.  They snuggle back up with Chicago starts playing, “I Don’t Want To Live Without Your Love.”

Ali:  “This was a complete fairy tale.  I should have worn jeans like Jake had on, but I don’t care.  Chicago gave me the inspiration, as they were singing ‘You’re the Inspiration’ to be Jake’s inspiration.  I am on cloud nine.  It was a perfect first date for a perfect beginning to a relationship.”

SECOND GROUP DATE

Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley the Flight Attendant and Vienna

“Love Has Its Ups and Downs”

AKA:  “Screaming in Unison on Roller Coasters”

AKA:  “Praying That Your Boobs Don’t Fall Out of Said Roller Coasters”

What’s this?  Ella, Tenley and Michelle are the three unlucky girls who did not get a date with Jake.  Ella goes off to fix Ethan’s favorite dessert and then pays the ABC intern a $50 to leave it on Jake’s front door step.  Tenley pops in Beauty and the Beast to make herself feel better and Michelle has a straight up anxiety attack.

Michelle:  “This is RIDICULOUS.  I’ve had no time with Jake.  I’m leaving.”

Tenley:  “You are NOT.  No.  Stop packing.”

Michelle:  “I’m not going to wait around until some stupid cocktail party where there are other girls pawning over my man.  I can’t stomach it.  You don’t understand.  It is literally, LITERALLY eating a hole in my stomach.”

Tenley:  “Give him the chance to get to know you.  There is a rose ceremony.  See if you get to stay.  Please don’t leave.”

Tenley convinces Michelle to stay as Roz rolls her eyes and slowly makes her way to an unmarked door.  The girls are too busy brushing each other’s hair to hear a click of the lock.

Meanwhile at Six Flags, the ABC intern is smiling because he convinced three of the five girls to wear either strapless or dresses.  He gives himself a mental high five and goes off to man the funnel cake stand.

Jake:  “I’m so excited to see these particular girls in this element.  I want to see them have fun.  Because friends have fun.  And I want my wife to first be my friend and then be my lover.  So what better way to see who has true wife material than to go on a bunch of roller coasters?  Who cares about talking and getting to know each other.  I want fun.  And if boobs happen to fall out…so be it.”

This was the most boring part of last night.  Not only were girls screaming and running around in high heels, but there were some ugly faces caught in the video of them riding on the roller coasters.  And for some reason, all the girls wanted to hold Jake’s hands.  And they all felt the need to walk in big long lines.  It was weird to me. 

Elizabeth pulls Jake away and they pretend to be tossing rings on the top of bottles. 

Jake:  “I just loved how you kicked your heels off and played football with me the other night.  And thanks for not telling me I throw like a girl.  I appreciate that.”

Elizabeth:  “I have a note for you.”

Jake:  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t get you anything.”

Elizabeth:  “It’s a good note.  Trust me.  I take pride in my note-taking abilities.  It’s naked…the true me.  Raw.  Hot.  Just like me.  I’m going to read it to you in my most monotone robotic voice because I want you to fall in love for my naked words—not my naked body.”

Jake:  “Okie dokie.  Shoot.”

Elizabeth:  “Dear Jake.  How’s it going?  Are you enjoying your time as The Bachelor?  I’m doing good.  It’s hard being in the house with other girls, but I am concentrating on fun.  I get butterflies when I’m around you.  It’s going to be an amazing journey.  I’m going to

D

   R

      O

           P you a few lines before I tell you something serious and super secret.  I know you are kissing other girls.  And you will probably end up kissing them all.  But don’t kiss me unless it’s just me for the rest of your life.  Gotta go now.  TTYL.  Lizzy.”

She folds the note up, making sure that the little tab that says “pull” is visible and sticks it in his pocket. 

Jake:  “I am an old fashioned guy.  I like that she wrote me a letter.  I get that she doesn’t want to make out if I’m making out with other girls.  I can handle that.  No problemo.  Have you seen Roz kiss?  This will be a piece of cake.”

Back at the popcorn stand, Vienna decides it’s time to tell Jake her super big secret.  He’s either going to laugh or not give her a rose.  Great odds V!

Vienna:  “I was engaged to my pastor’s son when I was a senior in high school.  I chickened out and a month later he was married to another girl.  So I ran off and eloped with the first guy I met coming out of Calculus 2 class.  Four months later, I was divorced and I broke my Daddy’s heart.  I just wanted to tell you this…”

Ashley the Flight Attendant:  “SOMEBODY ORDER A MARGARITA????”

Side note:  Where is this Six Flags that serves alcohol?  Road trip anyone?

Vienna gets annoyed that Ashley the Flight Attendant janked her time with our Bachelor and get super annoyed the Elizabeth lectures her that she needs to utilize her time better. 

Ashley the Flight Attendant:  “…I mean what’s the use of a PhD when you have no one to share it with.  Am I right Jake?  Am I right?  Let’s hold hands.  I know I’m in your 18 inches of personal space but I need to be this close to you so you will know that I want to kiss you.  Am I right?  Am I right Jake?”

In my notes, I have that Jake is clearly not in to this girl.  Ironically, Ashley the Flight Attendant comes to the same conclusion. 

Jake hops up and gives the rose to the girl who opened up to him the most.  After a quick shot of Vienna, he hands the rose to Elizabeth.  They go off to learn more about one another while the other girls are sent home in the limo.

Jake:  “I had an amazing time with Elizabeth.  She really intrigues me.  She asked me not to kiss her.  But I wanted to show her that I respect her values.”

Elizabeth:  “Jake and I are totally on the same page.  He knows he is being held accountable for the no kissing rule.  I’m playing hard to get because that is what I deserve.” 

Jake thinks this is the best foreplay ever.

Elizabeth:  “I’m a really good kisser and I hear you are too.  Do you want to kiss me right now?”

Jake:  “Yes.  But I won’t.  I will respect your wishes.”

Elizabeth:  “Good.  Because the last thing we need to do is kiss.  Because it’s already hot enough in this joint and I don’t think we could handle any more heat.  Even though I’m inches away from your luscious lips, I do not want you to kiss me.  Wait.  Were you going to kiss me?”

Jake:  “No.  I was going to kiss your forehead.”

Elizabeth:  “You can make lout with my forehead any time.”

I’d like a retraction of the Omaha newspaper article.  Let the record show that I do not like this girl. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Jake finds Ella who is in sequins from below the boob to toe.  He brings her a cupcake for her birthday.  She says she is on cloud nine.  Jake asks if she is missing Ethan and she said she brought his favorite blanket to keep her company, so it’s not so bad.  And he understands that she is meeting the love of her life so it’s no big deal.

Oh yes.  The seven-year-old understands I’m sure. 

Later, Tenley gets some alone time with Jake.  She wanted to tell him about her ex-husband but didn’t get the opportunity.  Even after Jake asked her about past relationships.  She cries about not being honest to the ABC psychotherapist. 

Michelle sits on the couch pouting, insisting that Jake should seek her out if he wants to get to know her.  She’s secretly wondering why that wicken summoning spell didn’t work, but is distracted when Vienna calls her a Debbie Downer.  Just as she is about to hex Vienna, Jake appears as if from a dream.  She steals him away to their secluded corner of the back yard.

Michelle:  “I know why you are here and I’m here for the exact same reasons.  But I don’t’ know what will happen with the rose.  This afternoon, I packed my bags.  When those cards came in and my name wasn’t on them, I panicked.  I’m always honest about how I’m feeling.  And I feel you and I are soul mates.”

Jake:  “I don’t want you to leave.  You were bold and confident.  You got teary.  I loved that.”

Christina shows up to “borrow” Jake.  There were daggers that came out of Michelle’s eyes. 

Michelle:  “Are you kidding me?  She interrupted my conversation.  So rude.  It’s not fair to Jake.  He was getting to know me.  And I’m open and honest.  See this arsenic?  It would be a mighty shame for that to find its way into someone’s shot glass tonight.  That’s right.  I’m talking about YOU Christina.” 

Suddenly, all background noise is gone and Our Host Chris Harrison enters the room to collect Roz.  The silence is deadly.  Everyone is freaking out.

OHCH:  “Roz.  This is something we’ve never had to deal with in the history of the show.

I hate to have this conversation because it’s a little awkward.  It’s taking every muscle in my core not to either bust out laughing or high five you right now.  But I’ve been told to drag this out as long as possible.”

Roz:  “Okay.”

OHCH:  “I’m sure you have some idea why I pulled you aside?  (Blank stare by Roz.)  Do you have any clue?  Think back to the past few months.  Does anything stick out to you at all?  (Blank state by Roz.)  Perhaps an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers?  Does that ring a bell?”

Roz:  “I have no idea what you are talking about Chris.”

OHCH:  “Really?  Because I have about six hours of very interesting video tape that would beg to differ.  Now let me cross my arms and look all authoritative as I give you this bit of news…we fired the staffer for being in an inappropriate relationship with you.  How does that make you feel?”

Roz:  “I have no feelings.”

OHCH:  “Well then.  We’re going to have to ask you to leave as well.  Pack your bags sweetheart.  Why are you staring at me like you have no clue what I’m talking about?  We feel it’s impossible for you to form a meaningful relationship with Jake since you’ve been boinking the staffer.  It was an inappropriate relationship Roz.”

Roz:  “My personal life is not anyone’s business.  Are you saying other girls didn’t have relationships before this show?”

OHCH:  “Not with the staffer.  How inappropriate can you get?  Out of respect of everyone here, we are asking you to leave.  A line was crossed.  An inappropriate line was crossed.”

Roz:  “I’m not going to say anything because that puts me in a bad position.”

OHCH:  “Look here Missy.  No one is judging your positions.  By the way, you are very bendy.  Kudos to you.  But that’s not the point.  The point is that you are welcome to be with him.  He’s waiting for you on the roof of the Shangri Lai.  Don’t let the van door hit you on the way out.”

Roz:  “Van?”

OHCH:  “That’s right.  Losers ride in the van.  Now pack it up!”

Roz:  This wasn’t deceitful.  It just happened.”

OHCH:  “Twelve times, but who’s counting.”

Roz saunters into the living room and announces that she’s leaving the show.  A man in black helps her pack her stuff.  One wonders why she didn’t change into her jeans before she started packing what appears to be 19 suitcases of luggage, but that’s neither here nor there. 

And in other Bachelor history-making moments, Our Host Chris Harrison steals the Bachelor away for some alone time.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

OHCH:  “Jake.  Something has happened that I feel is so serious that you need to know.  It has to do with Roz.  I’m going to pause dramatically for your reaction right now.” 

Jake:  “Don’t tell me she’s gone Chris.  Don’t tell me that.”

OHCH:  “She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer.”

Jake:  “You are kidding me.”

OHCH:  “No, I’m not.  We’ve fired the staffer.  And we’ve sent Roz home in an old van with a creepy man in black as the driver.”

Jake:  “I don’t know what to say.  I’m really disappointed.  Can I get my rose back?”

He does some neck stretches and goes off to pace around the fireplace a few times before joining Our Host in the room.  By the way, how many ABC interns do you think it took to keep those girls away from Jake and away from Roz? 

All the girls are gathered in the champagne clinker room.  The boys walk in and are somber. 

OHCH:  “Just so you know, Roz entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers.  You should know that we are extremely serious concerning what this show is about and hooking up with a staffer is frowned upon.  She came here to find love and found it behind the scenes.  Good for her, but embarrassing for us.  He’s gone and we’ve sent Roz home because of what happened.” 

Jake takes out a notebook to mark all the girls who are crying.  This includes Tenley, Ella, Vienna, Michelle and The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie. 

Jake:  “I may tear up when I say this.  I feel deceived.  She looked in my eyes and told me she was here for me.  I need to know if someone else isn’t sure, or feels I’m not the right one, please tell me now.”

Michelle:  “Yes.  Please do.  Because I am sorry this happened.  I’m sorry my beloved is hurting right now and Roz will rue the day…RUE THE DAY…that she brought pain to his heart.”

Ali nurses a headache with wine.

Vienna smears her mascara under her eyes.

Tenley talks about how she knows deception is hurtful. 

Ella hopes Jake doesn’t put up a wall as a result of these findings. 

Jake longingly looks at Roz’s picture in the Pier One Bureau room.  I wanted him to smash the picture, but he just turns it over.  At least he could have drawn a moustache and colored in some teeth.  Oh well.

Jake apologizes for the short cocktail party and admits that he just wants this night to be over with and forget it ever happened.  He announces that he knows his soul mate is still in the room.  Michelle smiles knowingly. 

Roses are given to:

Elizabeth

Ali

Vienna

Gia

Tenley

Ella

Valisha

Corrie

Jessie

Ashleigh

Michelle

Kathryn

Christina and Flight Attendant Ashley are sent home.  Tenley cries.  Christina hears laughter during her exit video and starts crying.  She knows for a FACT that there are girls there who didn’t come to find wings of love.

Next week we have Vienna bragging about her date and someone leaving the house before the rose ceremony.  Loving the drama!

Sorry for the late post!  As always I’m,

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee