Right away, this episode was off for me. Did you feel it too? Our Host Chris Harrison was missing. It’s just plain weird for Jake to introduce the rules of this week’s dates. It should be Hare telling us that there are going to be three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. It felt off. It felt wrong.
I implore you ABC producers. Listen to reason. The world needs more Chris Harrison.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
After a bunch of squealing and shrieking at their hotel suites in San Francisco, Jake leaves the first date card with the ladies. In true Captain Obvious fashion, he hands it to the girl who will be going on the date and then promptly tells them to wait until he’s out of the room before opening the card.
First One-On-One
Tenley
Let’s Get Our Love on Track in San Francisco
Tenley jumps up and down like a little girl on Christmas morning. Since Ali is from San Francisco and knows everything there is to know about her home town, she deduces with certain confidence that more than likely they will be taking a trolley.
Our Captain Obvious count is up to two.
Tenley: “I’m so excited to finally get a one-on-one date with Jake and just hang out and see what it’s like to be a couple. It’s becoming real. My heart is beating so fast. I’m nervous. I’ve been anticipating this for so long. It’s hot in here? Oh geez. Now I’m sweating. Is anyone else sweating? I might need…yes…I will need a paper sack to breathe in and out. Ali? Can you get me a paper sack? Please? Corrie? Can you hold my hair back?”
Ali rolls her eyes and starts telling the group about how awesome San Francisco is and that Jake would be an imbecile not to invite her on a one-on-one date so she can show him around. Vienna stares off into space and Gia feels like the fifth wheel.
Jake admits that he is excited to go on a date with Tenley.
Jake: “Tenley is so sweet and positive. All the time. I mean ALL the time. It’s not annoying at all. And I know she’s been hurt by her ex-husband, so I’d like to see if I can get her to bad mouth him or get angry or something so I’ll know that she’s not a Stepford Wife prototype.”
The duo rides the trolley and hang their heads out the doorway. It’s your typical Rice-A-Roni commercial. (Clang, Clang!) The trolley lets them off at Chinatown and Jake regales that it’s just like being a foreign country…but not.
Captain Obvious count: 3
They play with fake swords. A Chinese woman convinces him that suckling pig is just like Texas BBQ. They try on funny hats. They make secret messages in personalized fortune cookies. Jake says there is definitely chemistry. I personally don’t see it. Tenley turns into Mama Bear and asks Jakey how he’s doing. There isn’t room for him to lay his head in her lap so he just quickly explains that it’s been a tough road. Tenley encourages him by saying he’s made really good decisions and then they kiss.
They walk outside and see a dude playing an instrument that appears to be made of a single bag pipe and an old Kleenex box. This is the moment the ABC producers told him that he was falling for Tenley.
Back at the California suite of the fancy hotel, there is a hard knock at the door. Corrie runs to fetch the date card.
It was at this moment that I wrote in my notes: Lord please. PLEASE LET IT BE VIENNA AND ALI! That’s just good television and it makes sense!
Low and behold…Corrie reads off Ali and Vienna’s names. NICE! You could cut the tension in that room with a sword you bought in Chinatown. The glares that swept from one girl to another were PRICELESS!
Ali: “I literally feel sick.”
Hey Ali. I’m going to need you to be a little more honest, okay? Tell us what is really on your mind. Don’t hold back.
Corrie: “SYKE! Totally kidding. I’m joking! It’s really a two-on-one date with Vienna and Gia. HA! You have to admit that was funny. Ali. Wasn’t that funny? Are you mad at me? I thought that was so funny. That’s my role. I’m the funny one. I make you laugh. Don’t hate me. Please don’t tell Jake I’m mean. Are we cool? Let’s change the subject. Hey Vienna. Are you mad that you are going on a two-on-one date?”
Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Ali: “Look. We made a pact way back at the hot tub that day saying that we were all in this together and were going to tell the truth not matter what and just be honest with each other. For example, I think Corrie is an immature brat. Do you see her crying over there? She better hope and pray one tear doesn’t roll down that baby face of hers or I’ll give her something to cry about. Now what is your problem Vienna?”
Vienna: “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to leave.”
Ali: “Do you want me to leave?”
Vienna sits back down: “That’d be great. Thanks Ali.”
Ali: “Oh no you didn’t! If you are upset with me, just tell me what you think I did and then I’ll convince you otherwise. Now spit it out!”
Vienna: “You flipped out at the rose ceremony because Jake gave me a rose. You hate me and talk bad about me.”
Ali: “How do you know I was talking about you, conceited?”
Vienna: “Dude. I heard you. I was standing two feet away and you were stage whispering. I’d have to be deaf not to know that you were talking about me.”
Ali: “It had nothing to do with you. It’s my opinion and it was a personal conversation I was having with myself. I’m so going to tell Jake that you are an eavesdropper.”
Vienna: “I didn’t do anything.”
Ali: “You talk bad about people in the house.”
Vienna: “THAT WAS YOU!”
Ali: “I only speak the truth. If you are honest, it’s not gossip. It’s healthy. XoXo Vienna.”
Vienna later tells the camera that Ali flat out pisses her off. She then says that Ali will never break her and Jake up because their love is strong enough to get through this storm. She is done with Ali. DONE.
Back in Chinatown, Jake tells Tenley it’s been 15 minutes since they ate and he is famished. He is taking her to a tower to have dinner. Afterwards, she is going to let her hair down so he can try and climb up it to rescue her from this crazy adventure.
When they reach the top, Jake is huffing and puffing.
I’m serious when I say that he has a medical condition. Bless his heart.
As they eat dinner, Jake decides to bring up her divorce again.
Jake: “You know more about marriage than I do. What mistakes in your marriage did you feel you made that you will be conscious of second time around?
Tenley: “I took things for granted. I regret not jumping off the couch or from the desk to greet him when he came home. He needs his slippers and his pipe and his glass of bourbon. That was my biggest mistake. I’ve learned so much. I will not give up on love. Giggle, giggle. What expectations do you have Jake?”
Jake: “That’s easy. I want my wife to always have my back no matter what. Respect from my wife is important. I want love, honor and respect…no matter what. Even if I do something stupid. A marriage is never going to be perfect, but love will be. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.”
Tenley: “You’ve already quoted those lyrics to me Jake.”
Jake: “Sorry. I get so confused with all these women. I should write it down so I don’t repeat. This is embarrassing. Okay, how about this? I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do. To make you feel my love.”
Tenley: “I’m sorry?”
Jake: “Shoot. Before your time AND country. It was Garth Brooks. Let me try again. Wise men say that only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you.”
Tenley: “Don’t you just love UB40?”
Jake: “I do. And I love Elvis too, but that’s neither here nor there.”
Tenley: “I have a question for you. What about pilots and their reputation for being unfaithful?”
Jake: “Cheating is a choice. The woman I marry will be the last woman I look at.”
And then they kiss.
Jake tells the camera that is expectations were completely exceeded. The conversation flowed. The kisses were magical. And they even wrote the same super secret message (Kiss Me) on their fortune cookie fortunes.
It’s so perfect that the ABC producers all them up to the tip top of the tower and tell them to make out for a good five minutes so they can play the plinky instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” which is conveniently available on www.abc.com to download for $1.99.
Two-On-One Date
Vienna
Gia
Come Be a Princess in My Castle
Back at the Hotel California, there is another knock at the door. A huge trunk has been delivered and it takes all four girls to drag it inside. Upon opening, they find layers and layers and layers of clothes.
Vienna: “Seriously. Jake knows me sooooo well. OMG. A trunk full of clothes? Dresses, coats, hats, scarves. It was really sweet of him to buy me so many pretty things. I am super excited to go on a date with him.”
Gia complains that she is not as outgoing as Vienna and is practically throwing in the towel before they even get to the Napa Valley vineyard. She’s also a little ticked that she has to go back to a vineyard for a date. There’s only so much hide-and-go-seek one can play in a vineyard. She’ll have to think of something else creative to do.
Jake: “I’m a bit nervous for this date. I want to divide my time equally among the two girls. I think it might get awkward.”
Captain Obvious count: 4
Vienna: “This is the perfect date for me. I’m my Daddy’s princess. Jake thinks I’m his queen since he’s bringing me to his castle and that makes him my Prince Charming! And if my dog were here, I’d dress him up as the court jester. How cute would that be? I’m going to write that down in my journal.”
Jake puts his arms around both girls (weird) and takes them to the top of the castle where they drink wine, eat cheese and stare at plates of salmon. Jake confesses that this is an overnight date and Gia is super stoked that she packed her toothbrush just in case.
Vienna lets us in on a little secret. Her strategy for the night is to pretend Gia isn’t there. She wants her boyfriend’s attention to be only on her and she will stop at nothing to keep him interested.
Vienna: “Jake, sweetheart, I just want you to know how happy I am to be here. I’d like to bring up a weird moment that happened last night. Remember how Ali was crying when you came back in? That wasn’t because she was sad about Jessie leaving. It was because she was upset that I was staying. She hates me and doesn’t understand how you could like us both. I had to hold in tears last night so you wouldn’t see me cry. And I don’t want the other girls to see me cry either. But it’s hard, so since we’re alone now, I’m going to let the flood gates open in hopes that you comfort me with a make out session.”
Gia: “I know you can’t see me because Jake is blocking my body from view, but I am here Vienna. You are not alone.”
Vienna: “Did you hear something? Must be a ghost. Anyway, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo…”
Jake: “There, there Vienna. You know I have specific reasons why I do things. I have the best four girls…”
Gia: “Hey there!”
Jake: “Five. I have the best five girls and don’t care what other people think. When I let go of Jess and Ash, I felt confident that I wanted you here.”
Gia: “What about me?”
Jake: “Oh right. You too Gia. Here. Let me lay down so that our shoulders touch and you can feel a part of this uncomfortable conversation. What is that too weird? Okay. Let’s you and I go for a walk and be alone.”
Gia reminds us that she is the insecure ugly duckling from high school and has never been on a date with a dude and another girl. She doesn’t like hearing stories about Jake either because it makes her disappointed in him.
Gia: “I’m falling for you. Then I hear stories from the other girls and I don’t feel special. You know how I put my legs in your lap? You do that with other girls. I thought that was our thing.”
Jake: “Hey! Calm down! I put my head in Tenley’s lap. Totally different.”
Gia: “I guess. It’s just hard. I don’t feel special.”
Jake: “I’m really, REALLY in to you. You are like, so kind, sweet and generous and drop-dead gorgeous. Are you falling for me? Because I’m falling for you.”
Hold the phone ladies and gentlemen! A confession of sorts. This is mighty interesting. Then they kiss and it’s the most passionate we’ve seen in a while. Could this be Jake’s front-runner?
Gia: “Is it okay to fall?”
Jake: “It’s okay to fall.”
Then they make out again. In the wine cellar. Very steamy. I, of course, miss it because I’m puking in the bucket I keep by my couch when chachtastic dialog like that comes up.
Meanwhile, the ABC intern gives Vienna an old timey lantern, turns her around in a circle five times really fast and challenges her to go find Jake and Gia.
Between takes of Jake and Gia making out like a couple of band kids in the back of the bus on the road to an away game, we see Vienna slowly getting lost in the castle. Gary the Camera Guy is of no help so she starts yelling out Jake’s name. The echo freaks her out. It doesn’t help that the ABC intern is making spooky noises while rattling chains. Just before she discovers the secret entrance to the Gryffindor common room, she yells “HONEY” to the top of her lungs and hears the distinct sound of smacking exactly 100 yards away. She quickly turns and finds Gia and Jake with smeared lipstick and goofy grins.
Jake is a little miffed that Vienna didn’t stay put for 30 minutes so he could get to second base with Gia. He takes her out to the courtyard and listens as she babbles on about how they are MFEO (meant for each other). She puts her feet in his lap and insists they talk about the wonder that is Vienna.
Then Vienna senses Jake is pulling away. He asks, “What do you want in a husband?”
Vienna: “I want to be like 16-year-old kids in love. Have fun, travel, and wake up in the morning saying I LOVE YOU. I don’t think it should die down. I am falling for you.”
Captain Obvious count: 5
Vienna: “I don’t want to share you with the other girls.”
Jake: “This is a crazy adventure.”
Uh oh. Vienna needs to tread carefully.
Jake takes Gia and Vienna to their room and awkwardly hugs them both good night. Vienna admits that she can see a spark between Jake and Gia. But that won’t stop her from stalking Jake again in the castle. In fact, this spark fuels her desire to find him and give him a proper kiss good night.
Vienna goes down to the basement and attempts to roll a barrel of wine up the flight of stairs to Jake’s room. The Napa Valley vineyard castle people are not happy with this and insist on giving her two wine glasses and bottle to carry to Jake’s room. The ABC intern demands $20 to show her where the room is located. Unfortunately, ABC producers confiscated her wallet upon arrival to the mansion five weeks ago. She compromises by offering to flash the ABC intern. In turn, he must show her the way.
The ABC intern obliges.
Vienna storms in Jake’s room, ready to talk about new beginnings and finding love. Jake looks like he is done and sports a very sour look on his face. Later, we learn that he was thinking of his 90-year-old great Aunt Tilley because he confesses to the camera that:
Jake: “Vienna comes in. I’m almost naked under the covers. I’m not going to lie. I had dirty thoughts. That was hot as hell. So I had to do whatever I could do to not partake in her night cap. Ergo…Great Aunt Tilley. Thinking of her does the trick every time when a bucket of ice cold water is not immediately available. She knew she should go back upstairs. I can’t do that to Gia.”
Vienna goes back upstairs with a sad heart. She admits that she feels she might have hurt her changes and she is worried that she won’t get a rose.
Second One-On-One Date
Corrie
Fun in the Park
Let the record show that I can’t stand sweaters worn with footless tights.
Now that I have that out of my system, we can concentrate on other uncomfortable things. Like Corrie’s date. So. Awkward. I split the time either hiding behind a couch cushion or singing “Kiss the Girl” from the Little Mermaid.
Who’s with me? You know you did too. Admit it.
Jake: “I’ve decided to take Corrie to a park. I’m going to run and greet her in the middle. I hope she doesn’t take my shirt off, because I’ll start sparkling in the sunlight. Just kidding. How cool would it be to be a vampire? See? Twilight is more interesting that this girl. Oh well. Let’s do this thing.”
After they twirl in the meadow, Jake takes Corrie to a row boat. Jake rows. Corrie sits and stares at his muscles rippling under his shirt. Corrie tells the camera that she doesn’t kiss boys and that she doesn’t date just to date. She wants the boy to go 90 percent and she will go the last 10. Poor Jake admits that he goes 80 percent and wants the girl to come the last 20.
Therefore, there is 10 percent of awkward space that neither want to cross. But they stare. And they gaze. And they give goo goo eyes. And they lick their lips. And they smile. And they stare.
Dare you see her
Sitting dare across the way
She don’t got a lot to say (amen) but dare’s something about her
And you don’t know why but you’re dying to try
You wanna KISS DE GIRL
Sha, la, la, la, la, la don’t be scared. You’ve got to move your head.
Go on and KISS DE GIRL.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la float along and listen to de song.
The song say KISS DE GIRL.
Jake leans forward. Tilts his head. And proceeds to remove a piece of hair from her face.
So close. Yet…not really.
They go to the museum and look at all the museum things. Corrie feels there is a cloud hanging around over her head. So she decides to be brutally honest at dinner.
Corrie: “I feel your head is somewhere right now.”
Jake: “We are moving so slow. Now is a critical time. Are you ever going to open up?”
Corrie: “I’m a virgin. Is that enough information for you?”
Jake: “Geez Corrie. I’ll settle for knowing what your favorite movie is or what’s currently on your iPod.”
Corrie: “I know, but I think we need to fast forward to the important stuff. I want you to meet my parents. I would totally live in Dallas. But I want my own apartment.”
Jake: “I like the movie Airplane and I just downloaded Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. It’s catchy. And since I don’t know what else to say, I’m going to go 90 percent and hopefully kiss you right now so we don’t have to talk.”
Final One-On-One Date
Ali
Show Me Your Town
Ali is stoked that Jake is in her neighborhood. And she’s super stoked that he’s such a gentleman to lug her bag around all day long! Score! Not only that, he buys her flowers from her favorite flower shop in her neighborhood.
Jake: “What’s your favorite flower?”
Ali: “Daisies. Wait. You’re my favorite flower.”
I think Ali just called Jake a pansy.
After that foam mustache joke, I just might agree.
Jake asks Ali about a day in her life in this neighborhood that is so important to her. She rambles on about checking email and eating brunch. They kiss. Jake admits that there is a comfort level with Ali, but there are some serious questions that need to be answered.
But not before they take a walk by the beach. They stroll. They see a crab being eaten by a seagull. They play soccer. They spread out a blanket. Jake lays on his stomach and Ali offers to straddle him and give him a back rub. Jake feels like a pansy so he turns over, thinking Ali will un-straddle him.
She does not. She proceeds to remain straddled and starts to rub his pecs. Then they sort of half-way dry hump and he pulls her down to his chest for a make out session that includes Jake grabbing her butt.
Clearly, Jake doesn’t think that now is not the time for serious talk. Unfortunately, Ali does.
She leans back up, still straddled, and begins her soliloquy. Jake can only answer in two word sentences.
Ali: “I’m really glad you are here.”
Jake: “Me too.”
Captain Obvious count: 6
Ali: “I feel comfortable with you.”
Jake: “I know.”
Ali: “I think it’s time we leave.”
Jake: “Five minutes.”
Later, Jake has regained some presence of mind and asks Ali if there is anything bothering her that she wants to talk about. Perhaps something that happened at the last rose ceremony?
Ali: “I want to see you happy. It doesn’t matter what other people say. What are they saying by the way?”
Jake: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Ali: “I don’t need answers. If you pick me…great. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.”
Jake: “Are you sure? Nothing about Vienna comes to mind?”
Ali: “Crap. What did she tell you? I was not crying or talking mean about her. That room was very dusty and I had something in my eyes.”
Jake: “Vienna is incredibly honest and goes out of her way to let me know that she is here for me.”
Ali: “Let’s make out. Do you want a back rub? Lay down and then we’ll talk.”
Jake: “I have a better idea. Let’s run in the ocean with our shoes on!”
Ali: “OK. My kicky new boots will be ruined but who cares! Say I’m a bird.”
Jake: “Huh?”
Ali: “Say I’m a BIRD!”
Jake: “You’re a bird.”
Rose Ceremony
Again with the weirdness. WHERE IS HARRISON?
Jake comes in and tells the girls that he has fallen for all five of them. Looks of shock ripple through the group. He says he is totally confused and then asks for a cheers from the ladies.
Again. We need Our Host to handle these moments.
Jake takes each girl, excluding Ali, for some one-on-one time. First up is Tenley. She says she is falling for him and that she is nervous. Then she wants to see him dance, so they get up and waltz around the room. Tenley channels her best Cinderella and is singing to cartoon blue birds and baby deer by the time he takes her back to the other girls.
Corrie decides that she wants to talk about her virginity again during her one-on-one time. Jake tells her that it’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal. Corrie gives him the key to her chastity belt and returns to the group.
Gia confesses that Jake passed a major test when he sent Vienna back to the room without a little hanky panky. Jake tells her she is different from all the other women and then picks up where they left off in the wine cellar. The ABC intern is sent in to poke Jake in the arm because time is wasting. Gia wanders back to the group happy that she will have a ring on her finger soon.
Knowing that Vienna likes to be last, Jake takes her hand and leads her away to a surprise he has planned for her. What is this? A surprise for Vienna? Shut the front door! He takes her to his suite, out on the balcony and explains that the other night was not their moment.
Jake: “You know what? I like Vienna. She is smoking hot. Have I said that before? She’s as sexy as hell. And hell is pretty sexy I hear. I’m going to let my heart go and see where it lands. Everyone else can suck it.”
Then, it’s as if the seas have parted and glorious music is channeled in from the heavens. It’s Our Host Chris Harrison clinking his champagne glass. We’ve missed you Hare!
One-On-One with Hare
OHCH: “Five girls. Four women. Talk to me Goose.”
Jake: “Wait. I thought I was Maverick?”
OHCH: “Not important. This is a pivotal rose ceremony. Home town dates man. Families. Fathers. What’s your plan?”
Jake: “It’s not like saying goodbye to a friend Chris. It’s breaking up with someone.”
OHCH: “Yeah, yeah. So what about your date with Tenley?”
Jake: “So cool. Have you been to Chinatown Chris? You can make your own fortune cookies there. And wear funny hats. I like it there. A lot.”
OHCH: “And Gia. You had some fun with her in the wine cellar didn’t you?”
Jake: “Yes indeed. She’s fabulous. She’s insecure though. And I don’t know why because she is smoking hot.”
OHCH: “Okay Jake. Let’s talk about smoking hot. That is so 80s. Between now and next week, I want you to come up with another adjective to describe Gia and Vienna that isn’t smoking hot. Deal?”
Jake: “Deal.”
OHCH: “What about Corrie? Is it weird that she kept bringing up that she’s a virgin?”
Jake: “Nah. She’s sweet. But it’s not surprise that she’s getting the boot tonight.”
OHCH: “Of course not. But I had to ask. What about your date with Ali. She’s feisty, isn’t she?”
Jake: “Everything is so natural. I can cuddle up with her and it feels safe and right.”
OHCH: “Note to self Jake. Dry humping is not cuddling. How about Vienna?”
Jake: “I never know what she’s going to say.”
OHCH: “But she’s the lighting rod of controversy. That doesn’t bother you? Do I need to remind you of a person we like to call He Who Must Not Be Named?”
Jake: “Dude. Uncool.”
Our Host Chris Harrison takes Jake back to the room to hand out roses. He tells them that his heart is breaking as he hands them out to Tenley, Ali, Gia and Vienna.
Jake begins tearing up. He wants Corrie to know that there was something missing from their relationship. He wanted her so badly to open up, but time got away from them.
Corrie gets sloshed from the free Vodka in the limo and talks about how she put up a wall.
Corrie: “Had it been just the two of us, it would have been different.”
Captain Obvious count: 7
Next week is hometown dates! Gia’s mom looks like she’s going to give our Bachelor a hard time. Vienna’s daddy wants to know if Jake will treat his daughter like the princess she is. Someone comes to warn Jake about something super secret and Our Host announces that for the FIRST TIME EVER, there will not be a rose ceremony.
Bring it on!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
To Make you Feel My Love is Bob Dylan, although Garth does a nice cover. Adele’s is my favorite, though..
Back to reading!
I don’t know if anyone mentioned it, but being a California native myself, that was not a cable car!! Jake and Ali were on a bus. (notice the rubber tires.) Guess they couldn’t empty a cable car for our show.
I think Ali just called Jake a pansy. HA! Lincee, you rock.
Lincee,
Tuesday is known at our office at the “day from h***”. Deadlines all around that would make a lesser woman crack.
Literally, on Tuesdays, your recap is the only thing I have to look forward to during the day.
I rarely ever comment…but the Little Mermaid references were too much. I was laughing OUT LOUD.
Thanks!
Davita
Why did Ali have to continuously claim San Francisco as HER city? Isn’t she from Massachusetts? Ugh, she’s a mean girl. Tenley’s baby talk is getting to be a bit much. Maybe Ali will slap it out of her one day.
#1 – Sue –
I was going to say the same thing! and felt bad for it being my only comment thus far on this fantastic recap.
I was at the gym on a treadmill while watching it and had to consciously stop myself multiple times from singing Kiss the Girl out loud!!!! I was so hoping they would finally lean in and the boat would mysteriously tip over! Now that’s good television ABC!
also- for all her talk of “her city”, how much do we want to bet that ali rarely leaves her little neighborhood?
#7 I was just thinking I need to start going to the gym during the bach to make me feel less guilty every monday night about wasting 2 hours of my life.
Also I think Gia’s mom might be a little bit Jersey Shore… I’m excited.
Anyone else think it was so slow because Jake let an extra girl go the week before… instead of 6 girls he was down to 5?
My Tuesday afternoon is now complete. Great recap Lincee!
Ha!! Kiss the Girl!! I was totally thinking the same thing!! You are too funny Lincee!
I admit it…I was singing Kiss dee girl and audibly wondering about the 10 percent gap.
Loved the ‘gryffindor common room’ reference. This recap is SO much better than the show. When will ‘the bachelor’ tv series DVD feature Lincee’s commentary?
Did anyone think the trunk of clothes looked like a coffin. I figured Ali had ordered it up as a final mean girl stunt.
And who wears high heels for a date in the park?
And lastly, I believe Vienna’s hair for the rose ceremony was stolen from Angela Bower (Judith Light) from the Who’s the Boss days. http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1450022912/nm0509937
I laughed out loud at the gryffindor common room reference.
And who wasn’t singing “kiss de girl?”
Lincee, you managed to take a (oh man, I just gotta say it!) “nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile”
This week your recap was better than the show!
Mandy P, funny! I had the same coffin thought and recalled Judith Light from her sitcom days. You rock – you too, Lincee. Captain Obvious abides!!
#2 Marcie- THANK YOU!! That was bugging me. I’m a Bay Area native and that was no cable car. Who calls them trollies around here anyway, other than British ex-pats?
You did not say, “old timey!” My mom used to always say that! Also, making out in the back of the band bus on the way to an “away” game. LMAO
Fave allusions — Gryffindor common room and “say I’m a bird!” Loves it!
MFEO!! I just watched Sleepless in Seattle this morning! Loved the Little Mermaid references. You rock, Lincee!
Is is possible that Gia is really an insecure swimsuit model? I don’t know any swimsuit models personally, but I would think that you would have to be a pretty confident person to be one. JMO.
I’m sick, and you made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in days. Hometowns should be interesting, especially seeing Sausage’s dad.
It didn’t hit me last night, but now that you mention the absence of Hare–I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS. It reminds me of the awful time TLC decided to get rid of Paige and let the designers lead the Trading Spaces families–ONLY MUCH WORSE!
Corrie gained lots of respect by me after she finally “opened up”. I like that she didn’t BOLDLY announce to all of the world in the early interviews that she is saving herself. Yet, when the question did arise, she didn’t hesitate to share her convictions. STILL–Jake did NOT give her the boot for that reason. Come on–y’all were there. ZERO chemistry. The ducks quacking were just a little bit awkward. Thank God for… Come on and kiss de girl!
Now I have forgotten the rest of the episode as I sadly ponder what we will ever do should ABC take OHCH from us. I think I’ll give in to the kiss de girl ringing in my head. It brings me to a happy place.
I guess the ABC color-therapist has been reading Lincee’s blog and have advised Ali to wear something other than canary yellow. “But how else can we associate our girl with all things sunshine-y, happy, and cheerful?” Solution? Lets get a shot of her with a glass of ice water and a ginormous hunk of lemon it! Random observation but all I could think was, “Enough YELLOW, already!”
Some other words Jake used last night to describe Tenley: “magical”, “endearing” and “playful” Huh?
And, Lincee, I loved the little Sleepless in Seattle reference of MFEO !
Oh, and my favorite line, BY FAR was Gia’s “You can eat my salmon”. I was half expecting Sausage to whine “But I don’t LIKE saaaaalmooooon!” I don’t get why you like Vienna so much, Lincee. She’s playing the victim to get sympathy from Jake. Those tears when she started talking about big, mean Ali were so fake.
Lincee,
You nail the recaps…my friend and I look so forward to Tuesdays to read them!
I didn’t get Ali jumping in the water in her boots. I kept thinking “wth? Now they have to walk around with wet shoes.” Doesn’t make any sense but then I wondered if she made poor Jake carry her through ‘her’ city? Probably. She seems too high may for him.
Great recap!!! So anyone else notice Gia nibbling on her hands when she and Jake had their alone time and then she puts her arm around his neck and ewww has a band aid on her pointer finger that she was just nibbling on. Gross! I so thought it was it for Vienna only to be disappointed when he called her name but I knew he was going to. Loved all the references that got in this week.
When Vienna was answering Jake’s question about what she thinks a marriage should be like – I thought she said she wanted to act like SIX year olds – I thought that was really weird, so glad to read/hear you say she said 16 year olds – not that it’s such a great example of a marriage but it’s better than what I thought I heard.
Was it just me or didn’t we see previews for upcoming episodes where one of the girls says they’re pregnant? And now nothing – why did they show that and then leave us hanging?? And is this what will prompt Jake’s big kicking over the table temper tantrum that we were also privy to but still haven’t seen? I don’t like being shown these snipits if they’re like a month away from happening.
Did anyone else notice the previews for next week with Vienna’s dad and it looks like their in some WT garage? I’m so confused…
Recap so much better than the show. My favorite part was Ali just called Jake a Pansy. Loved it. 2 hours of this is tooo much. I missed Tenleys date, but probably didn’t miss much. As bad as Ali is being edited, she still doesn’t bug me the way Vienna does. Something about that girl grates on my nerves. I want to like Gia, but she did used to date a Yankee. Gross, anything but a Yankee. Poor Corrie, Confesses on national tv that she is a virgin. And Jake respects her so much, just don’t let the screendoor hit you on the way out. Ali, the boots, first of all, why did you wear the ugly things with that dress, and then if you loved them so much why did you run into the ocean without taking them off?
uuuuuugh this show makes me sick but i cant stop. i feel like he has actual chemistry with gia, but they’ll never work. anyone else think that? tenley is too sweet but then hes cheese-tastic so could work. i canNOT figure out this vienna thing–i’m sorry, he gives full-on negative body language to her sometimes and definitely avoids serious conversations (aka, “im falling for you” cut to jake looking at his hands saying “well this is a craaaaaazy ride.” wtf??) then is sucking her face off calling her smoking hot. sigh, i cant wait for next week.
#29–the pregnancy tidbit thing was from a few weeks ago, it was actually a deleted clip of tenley when she told jake she was married before. she started it off with “i have something to tell you. im pregnant. just kidding!! I was married and he cheated on me but i believe in love.” excited about the table kicking though. that HAS to be coming up soon!!
irishcurls – that scene was from his two-on-one date with ella and kathryn. another deleted scene. think about it, all that’s left are hometown, fantasy, and last chance dates…they’d never be in a cabin for those!
#5 Holly–Ali lives in San Francisco, so it is HER TOWN. Just because she was actually born somewhere else doesn’t preclude her from claiming the place where she actually lives. Sheesh!
“Don’t you just love UB40?” “Talk to me, Goose!”
Lincee, that was priceless!!!
And #2, yes! That was no cable car, it was a bus. And in SF they are called cable cars, not trolleys. Guess Tenley and Jake wouldn’t know that, though.
HILARIOUS recap!!!
#29 Karen–I heard 6 year olds, too , not 16 year olds. i have it taped, I will watch again to make sure and report back…
How many times do you suppose Jake had to have watched the Sex & the City movie, waiting and waiting for his opportunity to be as cool as Steve, to sport a foam mustache while uttering the phrase “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”, in order to make his lady giggle and then kiss him? Jake and Ali = Steve and Miranda? I think not….
MandyP—the Judith Light comment—So True!!! Geesh, she looked hideous in that “do”.
Laughed out loud at “Nah, she’s sweet. But it’s no surprise she’s getting the boot tonight”.
I didn’t see the episode, but if Ali said “trolley” instead of cable car, it ain’t her city (says the 6th generation Californian from an old San Francisco family…).
So I have to go with 5 Holly (sorry 34 Missy)…
California is chock full of transplants. It’s annoying and frustrating and over-crowded and traffic-y like L.A. – it is NOT the same place as I grew up (at least the Bay Area isn’t). Sad but true… though I get why they come, it’s a gorgeous place to live!
)
chickpea – Don’t worry, Tenley said trolley, not Ali.
Lincee you rock as always… “so they can play the plinky instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love” which is conveniently available on http://www.abc.com to download for $1.99.” oh dear dry heaves from laughter suppression… reading 2nd time, ROFL!
I lived in the Bay area for five years, but I wouldn’t call it “My City”. There is just so much to see and do in the area it is hard to be an expert. Each neighborhood has its own feel and culture. I miss it.
Lincee – love, love, love the recaps – I was rolling on the floor laughing at the “kiss the girl” – you are so witty. But I would equate the version of “On the Wings of Love” played at the Tower to be more like a bad Muzak version. Keep up the great work. Reading your recaps in the highlight of my Tuesday.
Before I even read Lincee’s blog – or comments … I must say that it was obvious to me that Jake, the wimp that he is, needs someone to TWIRL! He needs a tiny gal he can SPIN – SPIN – SPIN – around! Vienna is not that girl and Twirling her is not an activity Jake participates in … it’s all about the spinal cord.
Patsy from TX – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. LOVE IT!
OMG judith light hair! ok you nailed it—-i keep trying to figure out who sausage looks like—
the teeth and eyes are soooooo large and distracting. they are just the last 2 people that go together—but i swear he prob ends up with her. i will lose al lthe respect i have for him if that is true-
yes—im a bay area native too and it was killing me that were calling the (non-cable car )bus a trolley!!!!
totally was thinking ariel on that rowboat scene—talk about awkward.
and dang i sure hope they get a wardrobe allowance for the 18 cocktail dresses they have to wear…
Loved the recap!!! Call me a bird! and the Little Mermaid song had me dying!! HAHA!
These comments are almost as good as the recap. judith light hair, trollys vs cable cars, you guys are hilarious.
Good call on the Bob Dylan song, I was going to mention the same thing. Natrually, Kiss the Girl was in my head during the show, aaaaand all day today.
Love the Notebook reference!
I can’t stand any of these women. Alpha Male Ali drives me bonkers, Tenely needs her optomistic butt kicked, Gia and her insecurity floor me (although she’s my favorite) and crazy Vienna. Even though I haven’t seen her do anything too horrible, I see psych in her eyes. We shall see what the hometowns reveal.
If I was the bachlorette, I would keep all the guys, but not tell any of them about the others.
Oh my God. I could NOT stop laughing at your recap of Vienna and Gia’s date. Harry Potter, flashing the intern, spinning Vienna around 5 times – the whole thing was classic. Lincee, you are a true talent. Thank you for making my day!
Excellent recap – I particularly enjoy your take on the OHCH/Jake dialogue before the rose ceremony!
Just wondering if anyone else picked up on Jake saying “nekkid”… kind of endearing, but squashed when in next weeks scenes he said “broughten”.
Also… the geese quacking were the water version of crickets in an awkward moment. I figure the ABC intern was throwing pebbles at the ducks and supplementing the noise with a duck call thingamabob. So. Awkward.
so if you have itunes definitely check out Vitamin String Quartet’s stirring rendition of On the Wings of Love. If Jake and whoever he picks get married… it needs to be the recessional at the wedding!
OH Lincee–home run once again. Not enough space to list all my favorite parts. Love you! You’re not just vanilla…you are every colour of the rainbow!! (must admit I’m missing some of those gals….)
# 36 Thought I heard 6 years olds too…not sure if one is worse that the other tho!
#32 With you on the mixed signals with Vienna. Did you notice him wipe his lips off after they kissed goodnight in his bed. OUCH!
I don’t think anyone mentioned Jakes ugly turtleneck that he wore on his date with Tenley, so I just did! Yuck!!
I don’t think anyone mentioned Jake’s ugly turtleneck that he wore on his date with Tenley, so I just did! Yuck!!
Sorry, didn’t mean to post it twice!
I actually have never commented before, but I feel like as a guy I need to call out Jake for being a total jerk for convincing corrie (the funniest and most genuine girl on the show) to come out with her virgin confession on national tv, and then promptly eliminating so she can be known as the “virgin girl from the bachelor”.
Poor girl even said she didn’t want it to define her. Oh well, Jake doesn’t deserve someone as awesome as her.
Also, me and my buddy were talking and we have this friend that reminds us of Jake (he’s a nerd that lacks basic people skills, he told a girl he loved her after a week) and we think it’s between Vienna and Tenley cause he always goes for girls that are really needy and also not very smart.
Bach_boy — I agree that it’s between Vienna and Tenley, if, by nothing else, process of elimination, Tenley will be F1 IF, and only IF he picks an F1. For one thing, Ali is too strong and aggressive for him. She would get bored with him quickly or run over him like a steam roller. I can’t see Gia moving to Dallas and BBQ’ing in the back yard. She’s too Manhattan. I think (hope) Sausage’s daddy scares Jake off next week because she would make ANYONE’S life miserable trying to keep her on that pedestal she feels she deserves (A bit of Erica-Tierica there). That leaves Tenley. Or a Brad Womack ending, which is my gut feeling.
What’s the best way to go back and read Lincee’s previous Bachelor recaps? (All this talk about HTC Brad makes me want to read what she had to say about his season)
Hilarious recap, Lincee!!! Esp. the comment about the plinky version of “On the Wings of Love”….hehehe
Vienna TOTALLY looked like Judith Light at the last rose ceremony!!! LOL You guys totally nailed it!!
sunnybunny~ scroll up to near the top..on the sidebar on the right is a box called categories..you can click on the one that says bachelor recaps and voila!
I’m sorry if this was already posted, I didn’t read through all the posts. But I was watching the Bonnie Hunt show yesterday and they pointed out something that I thought was so funny. As Vienna got out of Jake’s bed at the castle he wiped his mouth off! It was just a very funny moment. Maybe she is a sloppy kisser!
I’m watching the episode right now and Ali first calls it a Trolley, then Tenley does.
What is up with Jake…everytime there is an uncomfortable silence, he goes in for a kiss. Can’t find anything better to do??
If Jake and Tenley get married, they will have pretty babies. That’s the most positive thing I can say about that coupling.
If Jake and Vienna get married, they will have Furby’s. I’m just sayin.
#64 julie—
Three words for you…HIL-AR-IOUS! Furby’s, that’s dead on!
i can’t believe that lincee didn’t mention jake’s hideous turtleneck!!! what the heck? this guy really does not know how to dress..
LOL…another funny moment…
Ali says “she’s never seen the city like this before” when they are on the roof of the hotel. Then she says, “see that high building over there, that’s my neighborhood, you can see the Golden Gate Bridge from the roof.”
Um, if you’ve “never seen the city like this” how do you know you can see the bridge from the roof of the tall building in your are??
I’m beginning to think that they chose Jake as the bachelor purely because it would afford them innumerable opportunities to play “On the Wings of Love”…I mean, geeeeeeeeeeez.
Watching it online again…Gia’s gotta be like, WHAT? ANOTHER vineyard? I like her.
Vienna makes me want to hurl “I’m my daddy’s princess” ugh ugh ugh…
You seriously crack me up, was laughing out loud at this one especially when the ABC intern spun Vienna around with her lantern!!! Updates seriously can’t come fast enough, you are hilarious!
Ali – “I feel like this is a chance for me to show you my home away from home…” Ali, dearest, you’re showing him your home. Dummy.
#65 and if Jake and Gia have babies who knows what they will look like prior to Gia’s nips and tucks.
So stinkin funny. Mandy good call on Judith Lights hair do on Vienna! LOL!!! I was so annoyed by her hair and make up, as I have been the whole season thus far. I just think there must be a better look!!! The make out session with gia was plain hilarious, band, bus, away game! Funny. The whole over the top make out session with Ali, grabbing her butt. HELLO!!! Glad I was not the only one hiding behind the pillow there! She is still the ultimate mean girl. The other thing that was funny, was the girls flipping out while driving over the bridge. “no stinking way, this is so awesome, blah, blah, blah.” It may be great, but people its a bridge. I grew up in NJ going over the george washington to NY, and over the Brooklyn Bridge in NY. Come on people. One more thing, when Jake said no more roughing it, only luxury from here on out. Um, they were riding in decked out Moter HOMES! People live in these quite nicely folks, no roughing it involved!
Love ya, girl.
#66…All I could think about during Tenley’s date was “what will Lincee say about this turtleneck?” Ick.
I have never commented before, but my sis-in-law told me about your blog a while ago…hilarious. “Say I’m a bird”…love it.
Good recap. I missed Tenley’s date and half of the date with Gia and Vienna. Is it just me or is Vienna the queen of interruptions? How many personal times has she interrupted–or wait, lemme rephrase–how many have the producers pushed her into interrupting?
And seeing the previews for the home town dates has me sickened. Especially Vienna’s dad. She’s NOT A PRINCESS!!! Should be good tv.
Once again you’ve outdone yourself! Great recap. My favorite part: “Say I’m a bird”, “ugh?”, “Say I’m a BIRD!” Hilarious. I know everyone keeps saying how boring this season has been, but I have liked it. I like Tenley, Ali and Gia. I think Tenley is the best match for Jake, but he has more physical chemistry with Gia. If he can get past the purely physical stuff, I think he will pick Tenley. But if truly is looking for a “best friend” as Caption Obvious has said on so many occasions, I think it will Vienna. I think Ali is too dominating for him! Can’t wait for next week…good job Lincee!
Honestly, if this show were reality, I would lose all faith in men! Vienna – yuck. Wouldn’t being lost in the dark with a camera man be an inappropriate relationship?
In the interest of drama, Springer-style, shouldn’t the ABC intern pull Jake aside and hand him a file on each of the women. Of course this would be after he has already developed feelings for them…or is that next season?
OMG – did anyone see Bonnie Hunts show. They were talking about this episode, and played back in slow motion the part when Vienna left Jakes bed. After kissing, he actually took the back of his hand and wiped of his mouth! I dont think that is a good sign… However you look at it, it was just plain funny!
#28 CO girl – I saw Gia chewing on her bandaid! Ewwww is right…bandaid lint! And Ali wearing her boots in the water…c’mon now weren’t they suede? That’s not spontaneity, that’s stupidity. And Jake’s turtleneck may not have been too stylish but did anyone think he looked better on that date than he had in awhile. Did he just get a haircut or a spay tan or something? Lincee, thanks for the laughs this week – I loved the recap of dizzy Vienna wandering aimlessly in the castle!
Public record says Vienna married in 2005, divorced in 2006. Remember her rebound marriage disclosure? The documents say he divorced her. Some sources say it was because he was in the military and she was unfaithful.
Nice normal girls never wind up on this show – so what is Tenley doing on The Bach?
Haven’t read the rest of the posts, but had to get this out…
The BEST line of the night was Gia to Vienna as she and Jake were walking away for one-on-one time. When that girl told Vienna, “You can eat my salmon.” I just about died laughing.
Then, Vienna starts walking around in the dark for them! I don’t care if you are afraid of the dark…you were not by yourself with 9900 crew members around. Gia should have told her, “hold up, shorty, this ain’t all about you! I’m getting my make out on and you are disturbing me and my “yours, mine & ours” man. Don’t make me smack you.”
Also, is it me or does Gia have a noticeable lisp!
Her mom looks to be a tough cookie next.
I HEART mindless drivel TV. It makes my week!
Lincee – you are hilarious! I love your recaps!
Lincee – loved the little mermaid, I was thinking the same thing. ABC missed the mark – they so should have played that song!
Okay, I was just reading the Huffington Post and they have this posted…Vienna is just looking worse and worse.
The new Us Weekly (on newsstands now) reports that Girardi — an unemployed, 23-year-old former Hooters waitress — withdrew her ex-husband Josh Riley’s last $5,000 from his bank account to pay for breast implants while he was deployed in Iraq with the Marines.
“She took every bit of his money,” her former mother-in-law Gale tells Us Weekly. “I know that boob job was the first thing she had done.”
Interesting about Vienna, My Awesomeness. I’ve been wondering what Vienna does to qualify for the title of “marketing consultant.” I think that’s her “profession.” Would be great to know.
The “say I’m a bird” “You’re a bird” reference had me laughing SO LOUD. Hysterical. I love you
Wow, I’ve been reading this for years and I always enjoy it, always find it funny, and always get a chuckle or two out of the recap but this was too much: Ali: “OK. My kicky new boots will be ruined but who cares! Say I’m a bird.”
Jake: “Huh?”
Ali: “Say I’m a BIRD!”
Jake: “You’re a bird.”
I literally laughed out loud for a few minutes! Also, Lincee I am glad you brought up the issue of Vienna being the girl that no one likes because they see another side to her when last season not only did Jake see that in He Who Must Not Be Named but he flew all the way back to Jillian to warn her and in the end he was right! Be a little smarter Jake!!! I feel like this is going to be the shortest season ever, it’s only been 5 weeks!
it has been mentioned several times here, but if you missed it-Bonnie Hunt does a recap every Tuesday. she has an intern/assistant assigned to watch the show on Monday night and recap on the Tuesday show. She caught the mouth wiping in slow mo and has interesting takes. so DVR Bonnie Hunt Show on Tuesdays! (see #78)
I just read some dirt on Tenley but who knows if it’s true? Somebody aired some dirty laundry and basically said she is a phony baloney.
Has anyone else seen some of the Jake clips? He’s getting super bitchy in his interviews. Saw him I think on Extra, and they asked him about Ali. He said “Yes, we have chemistry. Hope I didn’t just BLOW ANYTHING with the show there (insert sarcasm here)”
Oh, to Conundrum and My Awesomeness–My first thought when I saw Vienna’s job title was that “marketing consultant” is secret code for “jello shot girl”!
#90- she’s the girl that brings the tray of test tube shots to your table and helps you decide the best way to go about getting intoxicated.
travelbug, where did you read it? My awesomeness: Oh. My. Awesomeness. That is some DIRT! Why does it NOT surprise me? and Heidi, LOL!
and some more Vienna new from US: What’s more, when Riley returned from his tour of duty (he was injured in Iraq during an explosion), Girardi “had locked his belongings in storage and would not tell us where they were,” Gale tells Us.
Riley, who was wed to Girardi for just 10 months after eloping, tells Us Weekly that he also discovered that while he was in Iraq, “she slept with one of my buddies I was deployed with … I’m 99 percent sure she cheated on me.”
Adds Riley, “Marrying her was a mistake.”
Travelbug…Interesting about Tenley! She seems like she could be a little high maintenance if anything. And with Jake, I just think he spilled the beans on the ending before the show even aired with his comment “I didn’t pick who everyone wanted me to pick”. Who is everyone? I mean, is he talking about his family, or the girls, or the viewers? Guess we’ll find out soon enough. So now he has to watch what he says.
I didn’t realize that it had only been 5 weeks since it all started…my, my is he weeding through them fast!
I am a bunny boiler.
If Vienna is her dad’s “Princess”, and she is Jake’s “Queen”, then why does he only get to be her “Prince”? Maybe Jake better take a clue from that remark and realize he will never get to be her “King”. Besides, who would want to be “King Sausage” anyway?
Just sayin’.
If Vienna was married 5 yrs ago, she was only 18 yrs old. Of course, she was immature & selfish & got divorced. I don’t condone the cheating..but 18 is waaaay too young to know what you want ‘forever’. Just saying….
It really urked me that Ali is supposedly FROM San Francisco, and called the Cable Car a freakin’ trolley.
KING SAUSAGE! Awesome! I have gotten any dirt/gossip from realitysteve.com. So, proceed with caution cause I read a ton of spoilers. Don’t know if Vienna is really a shot girl, but I would bet my tax return that she has been one! Not that there is anything wrong with that. Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I am about to lose my house so I’m about ready to try that route!
OK, I just figured out why Jake will definitely be keeping Gia around for the overnight dates… check out her Maxim shoot on youtube — I’d post the link but I’m not techno-savvy enough! OMG – this footage does not quite go with the insecure/baby talk/bandaid-wrapped finger chewing Gia we are seeing with Jake… not sure sure he’s putting God, family, friends at the top of his list anymore!
Saw the scoop on Vienna on Extra last night regarding her ex. I remember her saying (second show maybe?)she was engaged to her Pastor’s son in her senior year of HS, then he dumped her and married someone else and she married somebody just because – that would explain her being married at 18. So much for Daddy’s princess!
Lincee – you’re the best! The ONLY reason I watch this show!
I’ve never seen such awkwardness on a canoe before. It was like watching two 13 yr olds on a first date or something. Poor Jake. Ali is a witch! Rrrwwwwaaarrr.
Love your recaps, you are too funny.
#99 Travelbug – I was just catching up on Reality Steve and he has pictures of Vienna topless from a calendar shoot she did a while back. Definitely not Jake’s type. WHERE do they find these girls?!?!
I’ve had this really uncomfortable feeling for a while about Jake, like he is so socially inept and maybe not that smart that it’s always going to be hard for him to meet a girl who is willing to get serious about him. I’m not trying to be mean, it actually makes me feel sorry for him. I had to halfway close my laptop screen out of shame when he told OHCH that he has “lots of first dates” that end up never turning into second dates. The only reason these girls are all about him right now is because they’re in a competitive environment and on tv. He’s screwed. To make matters worse, I don’t think he feels it for any of these girls.
What a waste of a season. I wish we’d gotten a human being to play the bachelor. Jake needs some weird religious wallflower (yet not a virgin) gal who is as awkward as he is. Unfortunately, that type of girl usually doesn’t end up on The Bachelor — and if so, they get booted the first night in favor of the hot slutty fame whores.
I still vote hard for that army pilot gal from D.C. to be the next bachelorette. She seemed super cool, smart, and down to earth and fun. And pretty. Please ABC! No Tenley or Ali (or GOD FORBID Gia and her voice) as the next bachelorette!
Shameless, as much as I totally agree with you (I loved Elizabeth that first night and was sad that she got booted immediately), you and I both know that a reject will be the next Bachelorette. Probably Tenley. She’s got that all-good, girl next door vibe about her, and so that automatically tells us that she won’t win this season. ABC can’t get off the reject train, and won’t since it’s obviously been working for them for 4 straight seasons now.
Just some FYI— I think the producers tipped the girls off (no way!) about the “trolley” so that they wouldn’t piss off the San Fran folks, or get sued by the Cable Car Museum, Those buses are known throughout the USA as “trolleys” and the are distinctive from cable cars because they are not being pulled by the cables. Our city has “trolley buses” that look like cable cars, too.
Here’s some info on the trolley that I found by googling…
Trolley buses (also known as “trolley coaches” or “trackless trolleys”) are rubber-tired vehicles with motors powered by electricity from overhead wires. “Trolley” refers to the trolley poles on the roof of the bus that are used to transmit the electricity from the overhead wires. Thus, “Electric trolley bus” is a redundant term, but must be used occasionally to differentiate real trolley buses from the faux trolley cars and cable cars that are actually small buses.
The first trolley bus service in this country was in Hollywood’s Laurel Canyon in 1910. Trolley buses began operating on Staten Island, New York, in October 1921, and in Philadelphia in October 1923. Philadelphia has had continuous trolley bus service since that time.
Also, there is a Motorized Cable Car Tour offered in The City. I think that’s what Jakey Poo was on because I don’t remember seeing any wires.
I thought it was interesting that they didn’t mention the hotel by name- and they didn’t dine or have drinks in it’s famous “Top of the Mark” restaurant. The whole time I was thinking that I would HATE to have to sit in a hotel room knowing that the City is off limits unless I was on a date. If I were Gia I would have demanded a City date- how lame that she already had a winery date!
Tenley’s voice is like a bad cartoon, but doesn’t anyone else get irritated with Gia trying so hard not to have a New Yawk accent- bless her heart, it does slip out occasionally. And, ugh, she has Ali McBeal lips. Yes, Jake, she isn’t like the other girls- she’s a naughty lingerie model with silicone sup-lip-ments!
Looking forward to next Tuesday morning~
I have said it from day one, and I still stick to it. Vienna looks like MARGE SIMPSON, without the hair…last night’s getup was beautifully TACKY!!
She is not a cute girl, but with a dye job and some new makeup…she could be considered somewhat decent. Looks aren’t everything, but her attitude isn’t helping her in that area either.
Tenly is sweet, but there’s probably a side we’re not seeing even though she is my favorite. Ali’s outfit was TERRIBLE!!! Seriously, who wears WINTER BOOTS with a SUMMER DRESS?!
Great recap as always Lincee!
#100 – I have been wondering why I haven’t read any comments on her appearance in Maxim magazine. Yeah, she’s classy all right … Also the Yankee she dated was Alyssa Milano’s ex.
Here’s the link to the Maxim shoot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB99qJz2Dlg
And I also don’t hear many comments about Ali’s many auditions for reality tv shows … she finally got her wish, she’s on tv.
Jake with his acting ambitions .. even changed his name to do so.
All of these people are famewhores .. it’s ridiculous.
I also meant to comment on Jake’s primary living is as part owner of a Dallas limo company (even driving the limos occasionally), not as a pilot.
Just read that Ali’s last two roommates where men, so blowing her story of the boyfriend sleeping with her roomie story. (unless her boyfriend found something he liked better than girls … LOL) And she supposedly was/is in trouble for stealing from them.
Loved the recap this week… Captain Obvious! haha!
I am bummed that I’m at the point where I’m hoping its anyone BUT Vienna. Which means they’ve manipulated me perfectly this season with their editing! haha… last time I felt this way it was Shayne Lamas and he totally chose wrong. I have a feeling that might happen again. Boo! Because I’m actually really liking Jake as the Bachelor. I think he’s more fun than I thought he would be!
Hey-Nothing wrong with boots with a dress. It’s actually in style now. They started wearing them with shorts this past summer. Some fads we can’t always understand but that’s what makes them fads. You’ll notice all the Hollywood folks are doing it. I’m glad it’s replacing the UGGS. Lincee: Your comment “I think she just called Jake a pansy”. Priceless and still laughing!
Remember the girl who was so freaked out having to do the ‘modeling’ shoot w/ all the girls(Roz & Gia) that had real modeling experience? Glad she didn’t have to watch Gia’s Maxim shoot first!
Jake changed his name? What was it before?
#108 – Where do you find these things? I haven’t heard about any of it! Ali has auditioned for other shows? I mean, I kinda figured that most girls came on the show just to be on TV and have some fun in a really nice environment. And Jake changed his name? And he isn’t primarily a pilot? Wow. I’m so surprised to find all this out. I just thought he was uncomfortable in the whole situation. Maybe he just looks that way because he is scared to have to pick one of these phony girls. And I agree with getting the Air Force chick to be the next Bachelorette. I was bummed that he didn’t keep her.
Holy Moly! I just watched the youtube post on Gia….what the what? That is no innocent little “i was picked on as a child” girl. That was borderline porn. The crotch shot of her cameltoe? Really?
Does anybody in America know or care enough about these girls to actually watch if one is picked to be the next Bach’ette? I don’t think so!
AWESOME recap Lincee! I let out a BIG giggle at the “Say I’m a Bird”! LOL Love The Notebook!
You really out did yourself for a lackluster episode, of which I still haven’t seen the second half yet. Only got around to watching the first half two days ago. lol
As always thanks for the laughs! You Rock!
It appears Vienna has been married and she drained her ex-husband’s checking account to pay for a boob job…while he was deployed in Iraq!
http://www.usmagazine.com/moviestvmusic/news/bachelors-vienna-drained-exs-savings-on-boob-job-197031
#107 Janelle – the pictures of Vienna with darker hair make her look so much better than this fake blonde with bad extensions look she has going on now.
And wowzers at Gia’s model shoot…she’s “smoking hot!”
Lincee – LOVE your blog.
However, I have to disagree about “the crab being eaten by a seagull” on Ali’s date.
If you go back and pause, then play in slow-moton, you will see that it is acutally Scuttle and Sebastian from Little Mermaid. Then, if you read Sebastian’s lips you can see he is saying, “Dern it – I told you that we were running late. This isn’t even the right 1-on-1 date… We were supposed to be there on CORRIE’S date to whisper ‘keeees da gurl’….”
About the trunk of clothes for the girls. How did they ever go through allllllll those clothes, cute dresses, etc, and still they both showed up in jeans….?!
I am shocked to see no one mentioned the boots that Ali was wearing were actually Puss-In-Boots’. She must have won a sword fight – using the one that Tenley bought in Chinatown…
Well back to my lunch. I need to finish off my BBQ sucking pig and band-aids so that I can get back to work.
“See ya” next week!
Could Gia’s “insecurity” stem from being cheated on by Carl Pavano?
WTH? That Vienna article is just disturbing. ABC has to do background checks on these girls and it’s not hard to google! They must have known about her past. That’s slightly disappointing that they would still cast these girls.
yup, Ali does seem a bit mean, but for gosh sake, she’s the only one who talks like a grownup. That little girl voice stuff that young women this age think is sweet and cute is so irritating. I’m a teacher and my girl students when leaving a writing conference with me in my office will say “think yew” in that voice and it’s like a finger nail on the blackboard. I’m not recommending big ball busting aggression and confidence but just natural grown up voices please. Okay, thanks for letting me get this off my chest…phew.
I wouldn’t mind if they were all mute….
#119- Sebastian and Scuttle…I just spit water on my monitor…LOL!! and the Puss and boots was hilarious too… funny stuff, funny stuff!
I have hoped for anybody BUT Vienna since we went to 15 girls. This is the first time reading this site -so has anybody mentioned that Vienna is cross-eyed – big time! It is beyond distracting!! But I’m betting she is the one chosen! Ugh……..
Grandma weighing in here again. Thank you #108 for the Maxim link and, oh my dear lord. I couldn’t watch it to the end. I literally cringed myself out of my chair. My daughter is roughly Gia’s age and if she did a video like that I truly think I would have a heart attack. Likewise, if my son brought someone home who had a video like that . . .
I understand that Gia is beautiful, but how could anyone spend more than 10 minutes with her – she has nothing to say. If you watch the episodes, all she does is duck behind that curtain of hair, talk baby talk, put her fingers into her mouth and/or play with her hair. There is nothing to her – Jake, you would go crazy in less than a month. (And the band-aid didn’t just appear this episode. It was present in the previous vineyard as well. What the heck do you suppose happened?)
My husband watched part of the episode with me this week, and his only comment (before he left to go get a root canal) was “is she straddling him in public?” And, believe it or not, we really aren’t usually considered to be prudish, stiff people.
For all of Jake’s talk about values last season, he is making some odd choices.
I also agree with all of you who have said that the show needs some new blood. Let’s hope they start over next season with totally new people who have never been on (and rejected) before. And, ABC staffers, let’s be a little better about those old background checks, okay?
I’m on board to support Elizabeth from DC for the next Bachelorette!!!!!
p.s. 126 Ann, I think she counts as “new blood”… we only saw her for a few moments!
I’m sorry, but keeping Vienna was the BEST move… worth every excruciating moment to see ‘Daddy PWT’ rip Pansy a new one in his chop-shop garage next week! HAHA!!!
And thanks TLEW – that was hilarious…
I too thought she said ‘6 year olds in love’ bc I had it on mute & my CC was on it read 6 not 16…bc really, I was thinkin’ wtf? I have a 6 year old & there’s no love-fests going on now or anytime soon…She just seems clueless- & kinda saying what she thinks he wants to hear…
Also- Jake wears the ‘high-pants’ look- anyone agree? Soooo not a good look. Like he tries reeeaaal hard to get that belt right at the ‘natural waist’
And that turtleneck was awful- I agree with all the turtleneck haters above…
That’s all!
How does Jake go from being in love with Jillian to someone like Vienna? Could any 2 women be more different? One is a class act and the other is……………(fill in the blank).
131 noda – I AGREE! I wholeheartedly agree.
And wowwww. Go check out the sneak peek for Monday. Jake meets King Sausage himself – Vienna’s daddy.
i don’t think vienna is perfect… but i really don’t get how she’s more irritating than anyone else on this show, and yet she generates so much vitriol!
#119-TLEW–HI-LARIOUS!
OHCH says he loves Vienna and so does Jake. That she’s a sweet girl getting a bum wrap. Read it on Reality TV . com site.
Prediction for next season: Vienna will be the new Bachelorette. And I’ll have more free time on Monday nights.
I heard that too, Jeanne! Have you been watching the previews for next week? I call FOUL!!! i bet since jake has thrown so many women away – they wont make him eliminate anyone next week or something!!! ABC is such a tease they will do anything!
I just watched the Gia/Maxim video on youtube. Soft porn, in my opinion. And she looks different! Definitely has a new nose, but there’s something else too.
#137 gc, watch the previews again, Jake is teary eyed when OHCH says there will not be a rose ceremony. I think someone told Jake they didn’t want to be there anymore during the evening before the rose ceremony started….just can’t figure out who that might be. All the girls left seem to REALLY like Jake.
Why does Jake call everyone “doll face”? Doesn’t he realize that description went out about 80 years ago? No wonder he never gets a second date – he’s a dork!
I think Gia always has a bandaid on that finger because she chews on her hangnails until they bleed. Ew!
I saw the previews too and there’s a blonde at the door…..thinking Tenly or Vienna says they can’t stay….i vote to kick Vienna “off the island”…. so no rose ceremony……JMO.
KeelyG, you actually think Sausage would give up?! No way, she’s “got her eye on the prize”, remember?
Trust me, I’d LOVE for her to leave, but I highly highly doubt she would voluntarily.
My guess, if someone leaves, it’s Ali. Her speech about letting go of her burning hatred for Vienna last episode seemed incredibly forced.
137 gc yep nothing surprises me, cuz it’s seems like the preview teasers often don’t happen on the show. Chris Harrison posted this to his Facebook page today “Just watched Monday nights episode. Its the best by far. You will see a side of Jake and the ladies you haven’t seen yet. It is the most touching and yes DRAMATIC episode this season.”
OHCH — we’ll be the judge of that!
Maybe it’s already been said – but how is it possible for Tenley’s date and Ali’s date to be in the same week in the same city? Tenley was sporting a sweater and winter coat, while Ali was barely wearing a sleeveless shift dress walking around all day. And I totally groaned when Ali pranced into the ocean in those boots.
And why didn’t Ali and Vienna have the foresight to pack some hair color for their roots? They’re both looking kinda rough about now.
When Tenley said that she took her marriage for granted and how she should have jumped off the couch to greet him when he came home. I totally saw flashes of Tom Cruise on Oprah declaring his love for Katie Holmes!
Favorite comment of this recap “Ali just called Jake a Pansy” too funny!
This episode was painful to watch, but your recaps always make it worth it! Love it!
My crystal ball says:
1) Ali leaves the show, thus no need to eliminate any one else on the episode. (Remember, she can’t understand why Jake would keep both of them since she thinks she is nothing like Sausage…thus there will be this dramatic exit which upsets Jakey-poo.
2) Vienna wins (per Reality Steve) and also agreeing with what Jeanne #135 stated (OHCH & Jake really like v)
3) But if I’m wrong & she doesn’t get picked by Jake for some reason, I agree with Whit #136…I’ll have more time on Monday nights next Bachelorette season, too if they pick V Sausage because I don’t see the sweet girl getting the bum rap yet!!
http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/02/05/the-bachelors-corrie-is-proud-to-be-a-virgin/ Corrie’s interview on people.com. Such a nice girl! I hope she meets a quality guy!
saggleo, where did you go? did you stop reading because people insist on posting reality steve’s spoilers?
designing woman: NO SPOILERS! Webman can you take #147 off? (No offense we just don’t like spoilers here)
#149 Marus – Hey Marus! No I’m here I just haven’t watched the second half yet. I still need to watch the Ali date…and my addiction to Real Housewives usually takes over. LOL I just watched Gia’s Maxim video…yoozah. She can teach Elizabeth “the Rules” chick how to tease properly w/o over doing it b/c that does not seem like the same girl we are seeing.
I haven’t read all the posts, but I didn’t like how Ali says to Vienna that she’d appreciate her telling her if she had a problem when she doesn’t really do that herself. I think she talks more behind her back than what’s she’s said her directly…b/c to try and act like she wasn’t talking about her at the rose ceremony was not backing up the talk coming out of her mouth. I still don’t care who he picks at this point b/c while he may seem really into Gia, I don’t think he’s really into any of them for a long haul kind of thing.
I gotta get to that darn second half to see the rest of the plane wreck! lol
saggleo (and others) … I agree he’s not that into any of them for one really simple reason:
He said at the start (and Our Lincee loved this, it’s her kinda guy!) that the most important things to him were “faith and family”. I might not have the words exactly right, but you get the idea. Anyway, while I’m sure ABC is not keen on getting spiritual/religious, Jake was clear that it is important. I suspect ABC made almost zero effort to get women compatible in that way… or maybe they did and Jake forgot to ask the right questions. Either way maybe he realizes a few weeks into it that he is left with the non-spiritual/non-religious ones… Perhaps??
I could be off the mark, but I saw his Jimmy Kimble interview, and that’s my take. No one suits him, as far as marriage material, in that way. (Or they are hiding it completely!)
- iced up adult beverage…. check!
- chocolate cake and fork…. check!
- daughter ready for bed…. check!
- full couch (not just cushions) pul two feet away from wall… check!
4 minutes and counting…
ps – Spoiler Alert – the winner is: all teenaged boy Maxin readers… UGH!
TLEW I like your list…
1. chilled adult beverage, check.
2. mini oatmeal cookies, check
3. mute button at the ready, check.
Bring it ABC… or not, I don’t know… 6 minutes in and I want to push Gia off the boat….
Chilled adult beverage: check
Oreo ice cream: check
Pillow to scream into: check.
Right there with you guys!
Alert – the dance is over – everyone can put their pillow down and watch again.
Tenley, “I dont want to keep talking about my ex, but…”
Ok, instead I will just dance for you… to Cannon in D, by Pachebel, that is played at EVERY wedding… hint hint.
???? V is a natural girl ?????
the dance was a little awkward (i like more leaping
), but did you SEE those calve muscles? they actually cast shadows on her legs!
Of course Ali will stay!
i might reach through the screen and punch her if she doesn’t stop whining.
ali just wiped her own snot in her hair. i might puke.
Ok- who else thinks Ali is faking this whole thing to see where she stands with Jake? I just don’t believe her. She seems manipulative enough to pull a stunt like this. Blech!
Who knew Gia was one of the Sopranos? Meadow, perhaps? Yikes! That is a scary family she has there.
Can’t wait for Lincee’s recap on this one!
Gia’s weird speech thing, i think, is an attempt to cover up her New Yawk accent… you could totally hear it coming out when talking to her brother. She was going home tonight if Ali hadn’t left.
Ali – her family is just so…. catalog? I don’t know… it feels like an ad for stylish fall clothing… and visiting grandma’s grave… i don’t know, it seems weird. the work thing felt like an excuse to leave because of Vienna… and seeing where she stood. he didn’t not choose her over vienna and she left.
Tenley – love her cute and sensible boots and TOTALLY impressed by those calve muscles, although dancing to wedding music is a little obvious… her family cries a lot… and did she *just* get divorced this year? that’s soon…
Vienna – she’s a little more country than i thought… (not a bad thing, necessarily, i’m a lot more country than people think). i still like her. i like jake the best when he’s around her, he seems less cheesy. and while it’s weird that her dad burst in on them, why are they at her house, while her family is out there, and they are making out? that’s weird.
Rose ceremony – how long did the other girls have to stand out there while we were forced to listen to ali cry and whine?
She can always go back…Ed did!
oh man…. Gia is lucky Ali went home this week, because her mom killed it for her…. wow. at least she gets to go to the island now
Okay, so I was watching something else while tonight’s episode was on, like I always do, and only saw the last second. Did Ali leave by choice? Why did the other girls even have roses if she did? Don’t tell me he actually bothered calling out the other names and giving them roses if she left by choice…
LOVED Gia’s mom botching the tarot card reading. Too hilarious for words!!!
#167 Mallory – Ali left by choice, Jake said something along the lines of how it didn’t make sense to hand out roses and just told them all to come over and get their roses, which they did at once
169 Marus – Thanks! Okay, so I don’t think I can wait till tomorrow to find out. Why on earth did she leave?! All along she’s talked about how she was soooo into him, including the one clip I saw tonight when he first got to her town! Stupid, stupid girl.
Mallory – she claimed it was an ultimatum given by her job – come back or lose it. I think it was a tactic to see if jake would commit and when he didn’t at that time, she decided to go. because honestly, don’t these women get the okay from work to be gone?
Really ABC,…. you already used the ‘I gotta go back to work; thing…Really!
Marus – SERIOUSLY? She couldn’t come up with anything better than that? Or should I say..TPTB couldn’t come up with anything better than that? They already did that last season! LOL. They have to get the okay to be gone, you’d think. Unless they’re like that one girl Sharon from Jason’s season, who actually gave up her job to go be on the show. haha.
I return to my previous statement, STUPID STUPID GIRL.
Yeah right, those were tears of happiness that Grandma was cryin’.
#152 Chickpea – I totally remember him saying that his top three priorities were God, family & friends in his one-on-one time the very first night with Corrie…and having her grin hugely to say, “Me too!” She was IT Jake!! She may have been the token “here’s the girl who loves God too” girl…. And she didn’t throw herself at him, so YANK! I think that is why he DID keep her around for as long as he did. So much for keeping the priorities front and center when choosing something sortof important…like a WIFE! Oh well…gearing up for my “special watching snack” for tomorrow to watch it on ABC.com! Always entertaining – Can’t wait for Lincee!
I don’t buy the “I have to go back to work” line. I think she wanted him to tell her to stay, because she’s “The One”. She even told him “I love You”. It all screamed MANIPULATION, she didn’t count on him actually being mature enough to tell her only she could make the decision.
Hey Ali – FAIL
Hi Ali!? It’s Ed. I did this last year. Get a new tag line…..
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