Mama she’s crazy. Crazy over me.
I’d like to get some housekeeping out of the way before we begin the recap.
ATTENTION OKLAHOMA READERS:
I know that some of you know or know of someone who knows Jet and Cord McCoy – the alarmingly adorable brotherly cowboy duo of The Amazing Race. I implore you to do whatever it takes to secure me an introduction. We all know I’m a sucker for a cowboy hat. And belt buckles. And starched jeans. And darling boys in starched jeans. Thank goodness for the Houston Rodeo. Can I get an amen from the congregation?
Wait. Where was I?
Oh right. Come on Oklahoma! Hook a sister up!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled recap.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin the last leg of this journey listening to Jake channel his former glory days as an airline pilot as he rattles off the weather report for the viewing audience.
Jake: “It’s going to be a beautiful day in Saint Lucia. The weather is 90 degrees in full sunlight. A perfect paradise for falling in love and throwing rocks into the ocean. I expect a turbulent ride these next few days, but that doesn’t stop me from the excitement of seeing my loved one. And by loved one, I mean my Mama.”
Jake goes on to tell the camera that he and Tenley have an amazing level of communication and that she is too good to be true. He follows that statement with the obligatory, “But Vienna and I have lightning hot chemistry.”
Gee. I wonder who he’s going to choose?
Jake: “I knew from the beginning that Tenley was perfect for me. I’ve never communicated on a level like that before. But Vienna is a vixen. We don’t even have to talk because her tongue is down my throat all the time. And she calls me Baby. She makes me feel like I’m the only guy in the room.”
Hey Jake. Call me crazy, but aren’t you the only guy in the room most of the time? Feeling a bit intimidated by the key grip and ABC intern are we? Trust me. No one is going to pull a Roz ever again. The ABC lawyers are all over that situation. Now if they want to lie about their job to get out of the game so they can be the next Bachelorette…that’s totally acceptable.
Our confused Bachelor is excited to see his family and all but cries tears of joy when he enters the cabana to find not only his parents, but two brother and “the sisters-in-law.” He claims to be very relieved that they all put their medical practices on hold to come to his rescue and offer a second set of eyes on his future wife’s resumes.
Jake: “Seriously family unit…I could marry either one of these girls. They are night and day different.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “But which one fits the unit?”
Jake: “I don’t know. I need help.”
Dad: “Do they make you laugh?”
Jake: “Yes Father. They do. And they laugh at my cheese ass jokes.”
Sister-in-Law 2: “Wow. They are special women. Bring them to us and we will decide who is best for you young Jake. Leave it to the women.”
Jake: “You will meet Tenley first. She’s 25 and has a ton of experience. We connect emotionally. Then there’s Vienna. She is drop dead gorgeous. She came to meet me. ME! And she didn’t make any friends. The girls hated her.”
A red flag literally rose from the back of Jake’s Mom’s Sallie’s head at that precise moment. Her eyes began to squint and her lips pursed with disdain. She exchanges glances with “the sisters-in-law” and then softens her voice to speak.
Sallie: “My son. She is a girl that all the other girls didn’t like? There’s something to that dear one. Listen to reason.”
Jake tells the camera that he feels like a colossal dufus for leading his mother into a negative opinion of Vienna.
Tenley approaches the cabana with a darling coral dress and perfectly coiffed springing curls fresh off the iron and a spray tan that glistens in the afternoon sun. She has a ginormous bouquet of exotic flowers that she presents to her future mother-in-law before making the round extending hugs to everyone.
Immediately, Sallie and “the sisters-in-law” are at ease as Tenley begins her romantic comedy soliloquy of how she and Jake are falling in love. She regales that the one thing that makes her admire Jake so much is that his character is strong and a direct reflection of his parents’ upbringing.
Jake’s Dad begins to cry, which makes Jake cry. The brothers get emotional and head outside. I assume so they can Mesnick out on the balcony overlooking the sulpher springs. “The sisters-in-law” begin to smile as Sallie takes Tenley outside, away from the emotional roller coaster helmed by the men in her life, so she can really ask the important questions.
Sallie: “Let’s say you had a fight with your sister…”
Tenley: “M’am. I apologize for interrupting. But I make it a point to never argue. One should settle any discrepancies over a nice batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of ice cold milk. Or spoonful of sugar.”
Sallie: “OK. Let me put this another way. Conflict. Have you ever had any conflict in your life? I mean, aside from having to make your outfits out of curtains you find in your bedroom? Or being stuck in that tower all the live long day before my son came riding up to save you on his white horse?”
Tenley: “Oh my goodness. Yes. This is something I don’t like to talk about more than once a day, but I need to tell you a secret.”
Sallie: “Let me guess. You pricked your finger on a spinning wheel once? Look Rapunzel, it is very important that ‘the sisters-in-law’ get along well. The women are the glue that hold this family together. I raised a bunch of pansies and need to know that you can handle the heat in the kitchen.”
Tenley: “Of course. I love cooking. I’m a baker. You should try my strawberry cupcakes. They are famous. But I do need to tell you about my past. I was married. And he left. But I’m here. I don’t give up. And I want to be in this family and be one of ‘the sisters-in-law’ because Jake is an incredible man. He is so beautiful.”
Sallie gives the thumbs up sign to “the sisters-in-law” and tells Jake that Tenley has her stamp of approval and that the other girl shouldn’t bother showing up. Meanwhile, Tenley makes the father cry again during her alone time and they share a Kleenex.
Jake tells his Mom that Tenley hasn’t seen his fun side. He wonders if she will be able to let loose and not be so perfect.
Sallie: “You and your brothers are TOUGH. I didn’t raise a bunch of girly men. You tell her that you like to rough house and wrestle and be playful because you are a MAN who grew up with BROTHERS and that’s what you do.”
Jake: “I know Mama. I little organized rough housing in which the rules are clearly stated beforehand is good for the soul. I should put her to a test and see if she’s spontaneous.”
Jake finds Tenley with his Dad’s head in her lap, jerks her up and runs for the pool. He stops. Takes off his kicky orange super sports watch (that is probably waterproof if I had to guess) flings off his flip flops and jumps in.
So spontaneous.
Then Tenley follows and they make out in the deep end. Shortly after, the older mute brothers check with their wives and their mother to see if they can be spontaneous too. All three give the nod, watches and shoes are removed and two more bodies enter the deep end for a big, wet, awkward group hug. Tenley removes herself as the brothers continue to embrace.
The women are inside planning defense against “the other girl” and Dad is Mesnicking poolside.
All is right with the world.
The next day, Vienna shows up outside the cabana waving to Jake and calling him Baby. He melts, takes her hand and walks to a secluded bench. He reminds her that she just needs to be herself.
Vienna: “I’m nervous to meet your family. No one ever likes me at first.”
Jake: “Just be yourself. You are good at that. Please keep your shirt down so my Mama doesn’t see your weird tattoo and we should be fine. Oh. And keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Ready?”
Vienna enters the living room nervously grabbing her hair extensions. She leads off the conversation by telling the family that she is from a small town in Florida. Oh yeah. And the girls hated her from the beginning.
Sallie shuts down. She’s done.
Sister-in-Law 1 says that Vienna is controversial.
Sister-in-Law 2 tells the camera that she thinks Vienna has no class.
Sallie: “Did you have trouble getting along with the other girls?”
Vienna: “Yep.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “Why is that?”
Vienna: “Because I’m brutally honest.”
Sister-in-Law 2: “You couldn’t be more different than Tenley.”
Vienna: “I know. I’m not a robot.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “If you are so honest, tell me. Am I pretty?”
Vienna: “Yes.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
Vienna: “Yes. Just kidding.”
Sallie is ready to stab Vienna with her shrimp fork.
Lincee is cheering Vienna on. This is fabulous TV.
Sister-in-Law 2: “What do you like about Jake?”
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Vienna: “I don’t know. He’s sweet. Most of the time.”
Sallie is done. She aggressively places her napkin on the bamboo place mat and asks/tells Jake to take a walk with her.
Sallie: “Jake. I worry about ‘the sisters-in-law’ and ‘her’ ability to get along with them. I’m going to tell her that. I can’t sit here and watch you choose this over Tenley. She is gong to poke fun. Can you imagine? Look down the road. Look at how she will poke fun! We don’t tolerate poking in this family!”
Jake: “But Mama…”
Sallie: “Are you defending her Jake?”
Jake tells the camera that he thinks his Mama and Vienna are not meshing well. Then he admits that he feels like he’s always trying to talk people into liking Vienna. What is up with that?
It’s called thinking with the big head and not the little head Jake. You should try it.
Meanwhile, “the sisters-in-law” have ambushed Vienna. Naturally, Vienna is oblivious.
SIL1: “What is your opinion of Tenley?”
Vienna: “She’s sweet but she has no opinions. It was really annoying. She doesn’t know the Jake I know.”
SIL2: “And which Jake might that be?”
Vienna: “I challenge him. He likes it.”
SIL1: “Is Jake in love with you?”
Vienna: “Yes.”
SIL1: “With Tenley?”
Vienna: “No.”
SIL2: “You are going to feel pretty stupid when he picks Tenley.”
Vienna: “I can’t see my life without him. I love Jake and want him to be happy. If Tenley is the one, it will break my heart, but oh well.”
Vienna leaves to face Sallie. “The sisters-in-law” find Jake to report their intel.
SIL1: “She is abrasive when you first meet her. After we talked, we know that she really cares about you and see you for who you are.”
SIL2: “I just think that when I first met her, I judged her. And I’m feeling guilty about that. Let’s hug it out. She is a great girl with a heart of gold.”
EXCUSE ME? What in the world just happened here? Hold the phone and rewind, because I think we have just experienced a major chunk of editing! The non-crying sister-in-law is crying over VIENNA? Jake is crying because the non-crying sister-in-law is crying? Vienna has cracked the Mom?
I smell conspiracy theory. Money has been exchanged. Is there a Mob in Florida? Because somebody’s Daddy is a member for sure.
One-On-One Date with Vienna
Jake decides to brave the pungent odor of sulpher springs in order to get all hot and bothered rubbing mud on his White Lightning Lover. Vienna ordered a new hot pink bikini from Victoria Secret because she didn’t want to mess up her green one with the ruffle.
Jake: “We can’t keep our hands off each other. There is a natural chemistry.”
And there was mud. And rubbing. And more mud. And more rubbing. Vienna smears mud on Jake’s washboard abs and begins to draw pictures.
Vienna: “This is what I want to do to you later.”
Jake doesn’t get it because he’s looking at the graphic upside down. The ABC Intern quickly runs in and dumps more mud on the X-rated drawing and reminds Vienna that this is a family show and encourages her to write something sweeter. She giggles and opts for “I Love You” in perfect penmanship.
After five minutes of what could have been aired as a soft porn promo for Cinemax, Jake and Vienna take it to the waterfall so they can rinse off. I’m assuming Vienna lost her bottoms along the way because somehow she managed to have on purple board shorts when they headed to the rinsing station. Another five minutes of rubbing and touching in the water and the producers have fulfilled their “steamy” obligation in their contract with ABC.
Vienna dresses in her signature color green for her sexy date night with Jake. Panties were clearly optional. They toast to the last date on this journey and begin to re-enact their mud date.
Jake: “I would be lying if I said I didn’t thoroughly enjoy covering Vienna in mud today. But I don’t want physical attraction to get in the way of my judgment.”
He starts to have his first normal conversation with Vienna, making sure to put at least two feet of space between them so she can’t confuse him with her boobs and tongue.
Jake: “Can I ask you a question? What was it like being married for three weeks?”
Vienna: “The best part was that Hooters catered our reception. Other than that, it was pretty lame. There was no love. (She inches closer.) There was no passion. (She touches his thigh.) We were dumb kids.”
Vienna presents Jake with a box she made by spray painting shells she found on the beach. Inside, there is a note rolled up like a scroll. Her promise-to-never-run-off-and-get-married-again-ring is holding the rolled up note together.
Jake reads the note out loud. He looks like he’s about to hurl in the mosquito netting that surrounds the bed. Instead, Vienna says she wants to fall asleep in his arms. That’s when Jake begins to cry. And whisper sweet nothings into his beloved’s ear.
Then they do the thing she drew on his abs, but that wasn’t on TV.
One-On-One Date with Tenley
Immediately, you can tell that Jake is forcing happiness with Tenley. The tension oozes from his body the minute he runs to greet her in a position that I once saw on the greatest of all time movies Urban Cowboy. However, Bud and Sissy executing this maneuver were much cooler than Jake and Tenley.
They board a yacht. They snorkel. They look at mountains through binoculars. There was no mud. There was not heat.
In fact, there was a great big “I AM SO NOT IN TO YOU” face that Jake wore the entire date, that I’m surprised Tenley didn’t demand to be taken back to her tree house immediately.
And to make matters worse, Jake decides this moment to reveal his true feelings. Well…sort of.
Jake: “Tenley…you captivate me on every level emotionally. It’s so deep. Are you concerned at all about how the emotional is alarmingly high and sometimes it feels like the physical isn’t as high?”
Tenley looks at Jake like he’s grown an additional head from his body. Jake senses danger.
Jake: “What I mean is that it’s not sexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But you know, it’s not crazy, mad, compassionate or even love. Does that make sense?”
Tenley: “I think we have heat, but do you not think we do?”
Jake: “Girl. Heat is VIENNA and she was on fire yesterday in the sulpher springs. Man. She drew this thing on my belly and I was all, ‘What’s that?’ and she was all, ‘I’ll show you later.’ Do you have anything you’d like to draw on me? I can find some mud or maybe a magic marker.”
Tenley gathers her raw emotions and begins her speech:
“Jake. I want a man who loves all of me. I want them to love me as much as possible. Did you know I had an ex-husband who did not do that? That’s right Jake. I was married before. And it hurts to know that you think we don’t have physical chemistry. But I will continue to smile and sing and dance. Because you can’t take those away from me.”
Later in Tenley’s tree house, Jake confesses that he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and that he was sorry. Jake says that her eyes and teeth are pretty. Tenley refuses to clue in on the fact that he never really said they had heat and forgets that there was still no spark and goes on to tell the camera that she can’t wait to join Jake’s family.
She presents Jake with a home made shadow box filled with mementos of their time on the show together. Jake begins to kiss Tenley while she still holds the box. His eyes are shut so tight, just willing a spark.
Alas. There is none.
When you are The Bachelor, the best way to ponder about loving two women in your life is to take your shirt off, roll up your pajama pant legs and dip your feet in a reflecting pool.
If you are Tenley, you put on your striped bikini and have your morning coffee on the veranda of your tree house and dream of living there forever…Swiss Family style.
If you are Vienna, you take a walk on the beach and draw a heart in the sand. Then you wash off in a see-through shower on national TV.
And if you are the diamond sponsor of Season 27 of The Bachelor like Neil Lane, you give the poor confused guy two rings to hold on to until he chooses his bride.
Rose Ceremony
After long montages of the girls getting ready and Jake crying, we see our beloved Host Chris Harrison standing in the tall grass waiting for the first girl to arrive via helicopter. Not a hair is out of place as he takes the hand of the golden goddess Tenley. He marches her to the end of the Bridge of Doom as Jake waits in a sea of begonias on the other side.
Tenley tells the camera that she is ready to leave her past behind and start the rest of her life. She will give her heart to Jake.
And he will hand it right back.
Jake: “I love that we have the same values, morals, temperament and ideas on life. Your positivity is infectious. But there is not heat. You are perfect. But there’s something that is not there.”
Tenley goes on to hold her head up high and be a gracious loser for about 10 minutes. I feel the best way to portray this part of the episode would be through one of my famous MINICAPS.
Jake crying. Tenley crying. Tenley hurting. Lots of thanking. Lots of crying. Declaration of loving. Remembering how to love. Learning to love again. Giving of hearts. Apologizing. Crying. Crying. Tears. A bit of snot. Ugly crying. Feeling special. Mascara running. Hand holding. Bridge escorting. Pausing. More crying. More questions. Silver lining searching. No heat. No magic. Fake smiling. Death gripping. Saying goodbye nine times. More thanking. More crying. Our Host yelling GET ON WITH IT. One last look. Tears. Execution of the Half-Mesnick.
After Jake collects himself, he waits as Our Host escorts his green Grecian love across the Bridge of Doom. Vienna blurts out that she is in love. Jake gives an aw-shucks grin and asks, “Really?”
No Captain Obvious. She’s only told you every day for the past eight weeks.
Jake gives her the please-don’t-get-married-in-Vegas-again-because-I-just-might-beat-the-guy-to-a-pulp-and-go-to-jail ring from her father back and replaces it with the Neil Lane one. He gets the biggest cheese ass look on his face and tells Vienna he loves her and asks her to marry him.
Cue the “Wings of Love” video montage. Nice.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Before I’ve had the opportunity to digest what’s going on, Our Host Chris Harrison is bringing out Tenley so we can reflect on the emotional day that we just watched less than 14 minutes ago.
After talking about the proper definition of physical chemistry and her ex-husband, I still have no time to process the fact that Jake is coming out to meet Tenley in the hot seat. SLOW DOWN HARE!
Jake comes out and hugs Tenley long enough for her to be overpowered by how good he smells. We know this because she admitted it on TV. Awkward.
Ten: “How are you? Are you happy?”
Jake: “I’m good. Yes, I’m happy. I haven’t told my Mama yet, but I don’t care. I will stand up to the family if it kills me. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOCTOR LIKE THE REST OF YOU OKAY? I DON’T WANT TO BE A PILOT EITHER. I JUST WANT TO DANCE!”
Hare: “Easy Jakey Boy. Calm down. Tell Tenley again that you had no physical chemistry so she can go choreograph an interpretive dance and we can start the after party!”
Ten: “Yeah Jake. I just don’t understand what was missing.”
Jake: “I wanted a spark to be there. Truly I did. My family loves you and that is so important to me. I probably won’t ever get to go back to Christmas in Dallas again. ‘The sisters-in-law’ would never accept me. But my heart just wasn’t in it and I had to follow my heart.”
Ten: “I think it was unfair to Vienna that you were so attached to me at the end. I wouldn’t want to be in that position.”
The Audience: “BURN! OH NO SHE DIDN’T!”
Jake: “I will always love you no matter what Tenley. You have a life friend. This is not goodbye. Vienna will be okay with it. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be hard pressed to talk her into a threesome. Besides, I need a backup because when Sallie meets the Vienna parents, it’s going to be sad and she’ll probably make me break up with her. Can you hang on for a few months until my contract is up with ABC? And will you vote for me on Dancing with the Stars?”
Tenley kisses him on the cheeks and twirls off the stage.
OHCH: “Dude. How tough was that?”
Jake: “It was hard. She’s such a great friend. But Vienna is my Baby.”
[Cue “awwwww” from the audience.]
OHCH: “So what is it about her besides the obvious?”
Jake: “She’s passionate. Romantic. Adventuresome. Protective.”
OHCH: “She carries condoms in her purse?”
Jake: “Precisely.”
OHCH: “That’s great Jake. Now it’s time for me to throw you under the bus and make my favorite blogger Lincee Ray the happiest person on the face of the earth. You were a bit emotional this year and even had a couple of Mesnicks along the way. Do you feel like a total door knob? Or are you okay with it because most of them were just half-Mesnicks?”
Jake: “Ha. Ha. Very funny Chris.”
OHCH: “On the serious. I’m happy for you guys. She wasn’t the popular choice. In fact…she was down right controversial. And you know how we love those ratings! You pleasantly surprised me by growing a pair and telling everyone to be damned! You are not here to please anyone but yourself.”
Jake: “My Mama is going to kill me, but I think I can be quite happy in a swamp in Florida.”
Enter Vienna. Thank goodness someone got a hold of her hair. NO ROOTS!
OHCH: “Wow Vienna. Everyone hated you. Even the tabloids. What’s that about?”
Vienna, forever clueless or careless, just giggles and smiles and keeps her focus on Our Host Chris Harrison’s hair line.
Vienna: “I know! They say I have a secret boyfriend. So secret…I don’t even know him.”
Bah dum dum.
Jake: “You know what Chris? That’s okay that people don’t get my decision. I know her heart and her value and her passion. She is the best girl for me given my choices on this show. Everyone will have to trust me. Do you hear that Mama? TRUST ME. It’s my life and I listened to my heart. The fact that she never wears underwear had nothing to do with my decision. NOTHING.”
After announcing that Vienna will move to Dallas immediately and me wondering how that is going to happen because Jake will have to be in Los Angeles to film Dancing with the Stars, Our Host Chris Harrison presents them with a vacation back to Saint Lucia.
But that’s not all.
In order for him to drop the charges against illegally using his lyrics at least two times per episode, ABC springs for the effervescent Jeffery Osborne to serenade the couple with…you guessed it…ON THE WINGS OF LOVE!
It was, perhaps, THE most painful serenade in front of a live studio audience ever filmed. I fast forwarded. I will not tell a lie.
But Harrison is not done. Oh no. It’s time for the most dramatic reveling in ABC history. Who will be the new Bachelorette debuting this May? Hold on to your hats ladies and gentleman, because ALI is here to stay.
Wah. Wah.
I can not tell a lie. I fast forwarded again. I can only assume that her work understands that she will have to be away from her duties for more than two weeks why she pilfers through 25 buxom young men just waiting for her to straddle them like she did Jake in the meadow that day.
So that’s it green beaners! I have to say it’s been a fun ride this episode. ABC kept us on our toes! And to learn that Jake is competing on Dancing with the Stars? And Ali is the new Bachelorette? And Jason and Molly’s wedding is airing Monday? And 20/20 is having a special on behind the scenes of The Bachelor?
This is not goodbye. This is hang on for the ride through the summer!
Besides the Bachelor, we will have Idol recaps (TEAM BOWERSOX), another exciting installment of Big Pimpin’ and probably a post on my unnatural obsession with the TV show Chuck.
And remember…someone needs to help find me the McCoy brothers!
Until then, I’m all about the shame…not the fame,
Lincee
First, points to #51 for “church of the what’s happening now” — my dad has said that since I was a wee lad. Fond memories.
And Now; Bachelor Thoughts…..
Does it cheapen the word “love” when you claim to be so in love with 2 girls after just a few dates? How realistic can any of this really be? I’d also be preeeeety skeptical as the family of someone who decided to play this little game. But then the Tenley interview seemed like one of the most genuine family talks I remember seeing. So what do I know?
Vienna is still gross. And starting off saying everyone hated you wasn’t such a good first impression. Vienna also speaks English real good in her interview with the sisters in law: “her and I are so differently.” “Jake and I’s….” (not to be too pedantic, but perhaps “my” is the word you’re looking for?)
The sulfur spring didn’t make Vienna less gross. Jake is someone I want to play poker with (if I played poker). He’s done a terrible job this whole time of hiding that he would pick Vienna.
Wait! Jason and that girl are getting married on TV. Really?! Stay classy ABC.
Jake: You look beautiful; Sausage: you look amazing; Me: I’m gonna be sick.
I will also very much NOT be watching DWTS. Gag me with a chainsaw.
Lincee, you rocked it sister, and made this whole ridiculous season bearable, especially this finale, which was ruined for me by the end result. Overall, you nailed it with the head comment. Unfortunately as I was watching the end of the show with my hubby, and spitting words of disgust toward the TV, he agreed wholeheartedly that this seemingly good willed man, thought with the wrong part of his brain. His head is spinning and it will not last, because Physical attraction drys up and rots with no roots to sustain it. Heart and character are the things that when allowed to develop and run deep (usually rooted in a Spiritual connection to God) become the steam that is the fuel for affections. He missed the boat because someone was screaming to him from the wrong roof top. Unfortunate. For Tenley- because he would have felt that way if he were with her exclusively. And for him, because he really missed the boat in St. Lucia.
I honestly, in a way I never have been before, was disgusted with this show last night. Men who are designed to be physical and have to work for the emotional, should never be pushed into a situation where they are intimate with more than one woman, they will not often choose well. That spark is lust, and is fleeting, (i am just saying). He kept saying that he just has to go with his heart, well there is a verse that says “guard your heart for it is the well spring of life” and another “the heart is deceitful above all else”. I am not trying to be debbie downer, Jake just set himself up as a man of morals and (inadvertly) Christian character. He fell hook, line, and sinker for something I see all to often in married couples, and unfortunately unless the man (sometimes woman) wises up and steers the ship aright, it will run aground.
And Ali as the next bach-ette. Rachel McAdams wanna be, pact making, insulting not so it girl Ali. Ugh.
You’re recap was the one of the best of the season, love it. And was so laughing at you pointing out how Vienna makes him feel like he is the only man in the room, and I screamed at the TV the same thing “YOU ARE THE ONLY MANY IN THE ROOM!” Ha.
Just curious if anyone caught the huge rip in the back of Tenley’s dress? It went back and rewound to her looking at herself in the mirror before she walks out to the helicopter, no tear… then when she meets Jake…huge rip! What happened ABC? Did someone forget how to put on a microphone?
Thanks for the blog Lincee!!
Uh, question to 94, and who ever else wants to answer… What is the importance of being “a Christian?” Should we all like him more? Is he a better person for being “Christian?”
Vienna is a Christian, Jake is a Christian. They got dragged through the mud (pun intended) by most of the comments here…for their looks, for their bland, oft repeated, cheesy (probably scripted) comments.
Are those of you that make “light hearted blog comments,” that say that someone makes you vomit, Christian?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…
#106, if you read the background of the host of this blog on her “About Me” section, you would see she identifies herself as a “Christian” and speaks of drawing on her faith during difficult times in her life. No, I don’t believe 94 was stating we should like someone MORE because they are a Christian, nor do I believe that should ever be the case, I just think they thought it was a factoid Lincee would be interested to know since she is such a fan of the show Chuck.
As for the comments you have read on this blog….Christians are human beings. Fallible and naturally sinful by nature. It is just as much a sin in God’s eyes to pass judgement on these hurtful and hateful comments as it is for us to post them, even if they are intended to be for entertainment. That is no justification by any means for what you read here, just the truth. As Christians we may strive to achieve Matthew 7:12, but in reality we come closer to living out Romans 3:23. But thank God for Ephesians 2:8.
Sigh… Ever waste three hours watching something only to find you aren’t surprised in the least by anything that happened? I don’t get the Tenley love sure, she s***s rainbows and dreams in cartoons and is adorable in that “I’ll put her in my pocket” sort of way. But does anyone REALLY think she’s ready for another serious relationship? Anyone who can’t stop comparing everything to their ex isn’t ready for a new relationship. That girl needs to date around a LOT more.
I don’t know if Little Jake did all the thinking, nor do I care. All season, I saw something between him and V. They seem to get each other. And since I don’t really care for either one of them, more power to them.
Hate Ali. Her as the next Bach’ette is the worst kept secret in television history. So not interested in watching. Lincee, I’ll keep reading, because, girl, you ROCK IT every week. But no mas. I’ve gotta stop riding the crazy train. Can’t stomach anymore of these recycled contestants.
#106—–WOW!!
Did anyone catch this Bachelor skit with Jake on Jimmy Kimmel last night. sooooooo funny! Here is the video on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT5zfYSNcoY
I was so embarassed for poor Tenley when she was asking what was wrong and that she thought they had heat. I expected Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker to jump in and explain that Jake was picking with his penis and it wasn’t getting off the couch for her. [Hi, my name is Austin-ite and I am a Bravo addict]
I wish them all the best, but I can’t see Vienna being very happy with living in Denton in a typical Texas suburb. Seems like she is trying to get out of her tiny central Florida town and into some where more exciting like Lalaland where she can imitate Paris Hilton by wearing pink suits; play dress up with her little dog and talking about daddy, daddy, daddy!!! like she did in the show’s intro. Ahh the maturity of a 23 year old.
Bring on the Bachelor Pad! I will have no expectations of maturity or everlasting love there. Just good trashy fun please.
Lincee, thanks for the laughs. This was your funniest season yet. I’m glad Jake chose Vienna. It wasn’t just lust. She truly was the only one he could let down his guard around. I believe they will last longer than most people think. I do not like Ali and will not be watching this spring, but I’ll tune into the Bachelor Pad and of course Lincee’s blog. Never a dull moment among the Beaners!
Thanks for posting that link, Liz.
That was freakin’ hilarious! I think it is great that Bachelor Jake can poke fun at himself and the cheesy lines that he said ad nauseum this season!
Liz- Just watched the Kimmel/Jake donut spoof. Very funny. It’s ironic how all the “serious” moments this season are so ridiculous when applied to pastry.
Loved Mama Pevelka… I actually think I liked Jake’s family way more than I do him. I was VERY disappointed that he was the 11th celeb for DWTS but I can’t wait to watch Pam A and Kate G…
I caught Kimmel after the Bach monday night when Alli was on. She said she was getting to choose from 50 guys next season! Can this really be true?
THANK YOU #107! : ) For summing it up! Amen!
#105 Holly – YES, I am glad you noticed the dress issue too. I thought she wasn’t zipped up or something!
#96 – Robin “How long will it take for VS to pawn that Neil Lane bauble and develop a meth-addiction? Next reality show….Intervention.” I was already thinking your first sentance. However adding the second sentance makes it even more hilarious and ~almost~ worthy of watching!
#107! Go, Go, Go!
<{{{{{{< (okay, my poor version of a fish)
#96 – Robin “How long will it take for VS to pawn that Neil Lane bauble and develop a meth-addiction? Next reality show….Intervention.”
I was already thinking your first sentance. However adding the second sentance makes it even more hilarious and ~almost~ worthy of watching!
#107 – Robin (again) Go, Go, Go!
<{{{{{{< (okay, my poor version of a fish)
I did not watch past the bizarre editing of the parental visit. I felt they left out a ton on the Vienna visit. I just went – no….the spoilers are true! When Jake started to back pedal, I don’t think I can play rough with Tenley (what about rolling down the sand dunes?) and we don’t have heat (we have the video footage to prove it!)….
Jake fell for the poor little princess act – and was thinking with another part of his anatomy. Vienna was so embarassing during the part of the parent visit that we saw, she does not know courtesy, tact or how to interact socially. She is so immature she does not even realize her problems stem from her!
While I have no doubt that Tenley is a good person and sweet woman, I couldn’t stomach her. I think Vienna is right that Tenley is, in some sense, a robot. Possibly even phony (though in the nicest way possible).
I had a friend like Tenley once. All sunshine and rainbows and smiles and happy high-pitched voice ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Not only does that get kind of exhausting, it turns out that on the inside, my friend was rather sad. She faked that happiness 24/7 to the point where I don’t think she could stop if she tried. It was like she was emotionally incapable of getting real and being a human being. Overall, it was painful.
I couldn’t even live with Tenley’s voice for the next 60 years, but that constant “Everything is perfect, nothing’s wrong, I’ll never disagree” attitude would kill me.
Who would you rather hang out with, Tenley or Vienna? When Vienna was making her little comments to “the sisters-in-law,” I got the sense that while they were kind of shocked/turned off by her, they also were a little intrigued and thought she was at least fun. I think that’s how she won everyone over.
Anyway, I have no doubt that Tenley will one day find another Care Bear and they will both be happy. She deserves it, so good luck to her.
Oh, also, when one of the brothers said he thought Vienna’s “honest” was just an immature defense mechanism? SO TRUE! So clearly both our final ladies have their issues. I think out of those two, though, Jake chose wisely. I don’t think he had any better options. Certainly not Gia! Could NOT see those two together.
Did anyone notice the really weird way Tenley said “really” in the voiceover when she was going to meet Jake at the altar of doom? It sounded like a combination of “royalty” and “rural.”
Ruuuuuurarly
#92, Sgt Cole. Brownie points. Lots and lots of brownie points.
#115-Yes, I loved Mama Pavelka and the sisters-in-law! Mama P. had some priceless facial expressions. The whole family communicates like life is one big therapy session. Love how the men in the family know how to just shut up and stay out of it! I think they are my favorite family in Bachelor/Bachelorette history!
I hate that I’m going to have to skip Ali’s season. Jake might have been boring, and Jillian might have been shrill, but they were nice people. Ali…not so much.
I was thinking about how the family changed their mind….perhaps the tears were due tho their realization that Jake had truly been sucked in and that their opposition would just cause him to continue to defend her…
As they contemplated future thanksgivings they were sad indeed.
Lincee – love your blog – would you considering blogging for the Amazing Race. I think it would be awesome.
Great recap Lincee! Can’t wait for your Idol updates and all the other Bachelor going-ons. I would love to say that will NOT watch Ali, but I am sure that would be a lie…the recaps are so much better when you’ve seen the episode.
Lincee – This recap was en fuego! Seriously…I have to stop reading these at work because I’m pretty sure my secretary thinks I’ve lost my mind.
By the by…the McCoy bros are from my home town. Their mom took my senior pictures.
HA!
Just read the following article. So anyone else think ABC is trying to do some major spin to make us feel bad to Ali and think that her mean girl behavior was a provoked?
Bachelor EXCLUSIVE: Taunting Ali Was Part of Vienna’s Winning Strategy
Us Magazine
Bachelor winner Vienna Girardi, 23, complained on the March 1 finale that her fellow contestants – particularly Ali Fedotowsky, 25 – hated her, but perhaps the animosity was deserved.
“You don’t see the things Vienna said to me. They were very hurtful,” Fedotowsky, ABC’s new Bachelorette, said on After The Final Rose March 1. Indeed, in the new issue of Us Weekly, one of the season’s contestants, says that the fan fave took Girardi’s insults personally.
“Vienna would always thank us for coming to her ‘bachelorette’ or ‘engagement party,’ then tell us we were all going home,” the contestant tells Us. “Ali would just call her out on it.”
The fiercely competitive Girardi (“she always had to one-up people,” another show castoff recounts) quickly recognized Fedotowsky as her main obstacle to winning the heart of pilot Jake Pavelka, 32.
“Vienna would say to Ali that she was going to shake her boobs in Jake’s face,” explains another show insider.
“I think Jake hasn’t ever been with a girl like Vienna and is experiencing a ‘wild side,’” a source observes. “Once she figured that out, maybe she was a little more seductive.”
To read more about Vienna’s calculated strategy to win — including how she would “grab Jake’s butt,” how Tenley’s holding up since Pavelka dumped her, and the surprising details about the Bachelor’s shocking contract for its contestants, pick up the new issue of Us Weekly — on newsstands today!
Just read the following article. So anyone else think ABC is trying to do some major spin to make us feel bad to Ali and think that her mean girl behavior was all provoked?
Bachelor EXCLUSIVE: Taunting Ali Was Part of Vienna’s Winning Strategy
Us Magazine
Bachelor winner Vienna Girardi, 23, complained on the March 1 finale that her fellow contestants – particularly Ali Fedotowsky, 25 – hated her, but perhaps the animosity was deserved.
“You don’t see the things Vienna said to me. They were very hurtful,” Fedotowsky, ABC’s new Bachelorette, said on After The Final Rose March 1. Indeed, in the new issue of Us Weekly, one of the season’s contestants, says that the fan fave took Girardi’s insults personally.
“Vienna would always thank us for coming to her ‘bachelorette’ or ‘engagement party,’ then tell us we were all going home,” the contestant tells Us. “Ali would just call her out on it.”
The fiercely competitive Girardi (“she always had to one-up people,” another show castoff recounts) quickly recognized Fedotowsky as her main obstacle to winning the heart of pilot Jake Pavelka, 32.
“Vienna would say to Ali that she was going to shake her boobs in Jake’s face,” explains another show insider.
“I think Jake hasn’t ever been with a girl like Vienna and is experiencing a ‘wild side,’” a source observes. “Once she figured that out, maybe she was a little more seductive.”
To read more about Vienna’s calculated strategy to win — including how she would “grab Jake’s butt,” how Tenley’s holding up since Pavelka dumped her, and the surprising details about the Bachelor’s shocking contract for its contestants, pick up the new issue of Us Weekly — on newsstands today!
Ooops…sorry that double posted!
I do think there had to be a reason most of the girls hated Vienna. There just had to. But without being there myself, I have no way of knowing whether she was truly heinous or if she’s the kind of girl I’d not take too seriously and just enjoy for the comic relief. Watching her interact with “the sisters in law” cracked me up.
However, no matter how horrible Vienna might have been, Ali didn’t have to stoop to her level and get combative and snarky and mean. So while it might show something about Vienna’s character, it also shows something about Ali, too.
Long time reader (back to the email days)…first time to post…
I was extremely confused the entire season with the comments Jake would make about Vienna’s beauty. From day one I found her to be one of the least attractive girls on the show. ABC always has model-like girls and then a few girls that are carrying a few extra pounds, bad hair, no fashion sense, ridiculous make-up… basically a few girls that hit some strong ugly branches when they fell out of the tree. Vienna was one of those girls for me this season.
I do not think that it is ever a wise choice to select a mate based on appearance but she was ugly on the inside too. I think telling people that you aren’t fake and brutally honest is just an excuse for being mean and Vienna certainly took advantage of that! Jake seemed to get the concept of “perception is reality” in the beginning of the season when he was so close to cutting Vienna loose repeatedly but for some reason he lost that instinct in the end. I believe he was going to cut Vienna loose the episode that Ali left the show so it just confused me even more that he eventually proposed to her. He seemed to have continuous doubts about Vienna up to the last episode.
Not that I wish injury on any of the new cast members of DWTS but I am so hoping that someone has to drop out so Tenley can step in. I think Jake and Tenley being on the same cast of DWTS would make for the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!!
Why does she brag about being brutally honest? She should be honest. But why be brutal about it? Anyone can say “She’s an ugly bitch.” It takes caring and consideration to turn that into kind words. Not saying that sometimes the harsh reality isn’t necessary, but a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, right?
First off, I gagged when Jake was describing the girls to his family, calling Vienna ‘drop dead gorgeous’… I could see how someone might think she is cute but I don’t think she could ever be classified as gorgeous?? Throughout the entire show I could not stand to look at her because of her horrible makeup, she for sure needs lessons in application cause what she’s doing is not right! (and you could totally tell the difference at the final rose when someone else had done it for her) And I have to agree with everyone, all the ‘Jake and I’s’ made me cringe. #70 & 89 I am so glad you pointed out what I was thinking, as soon as she came out I said she looks different, she had something done, couldn’t put my finger on it… nose, chin, face lift? I’m surprised more people didn’t comment on it. And #67, you’re so right, we noticed it too, the entire time she kept saying this is my ‘fairytale’ she used that word WAY too much for someone who came to the show for all the right reasons. I could go on and on and on!!
I suppose the fact that Jake thinks Vienna is drop dead gorgeous shows how smitten he is with her.
I think my significant other is handsome, sexy and just seeing him makes me all giddy inside. In reality, I know he is of average looks…but he’s still a complete hottie in my book!!!
#137….great observation! Very true. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (right?). I know that I am no drop dead gorgeous beauty queen, but I wouldn’t mind if my husband thought so, and told everyone that he thought so
IMO, Jake just hasn’t had enough time to get to know Vienna the way we or her family/friends has. I’m sure he’ll take off his beer goggles once he gets a taste of the real Vienna. Or maybe he will still love her, only time will tell.
Ok…where’s my bucket?
“The passion is just crazy,” Jake told Access Hollywood. “It’s just fun. There’s always puppy love in a new relationship and that’s really where you build a lot of this – you solidify a lot of the next 60 years [of life together]…. I’ve never had puppy love like that. I mean, I just can’t keep myself off of her.”
20/20 is having a special on behind the scenes of The Bachelor? WHEN?!!!
Based on his comments, Jake doesn’t know the difference between “puppy love” or lust or infatuation and actual, meaningful, lasting love, the kind you can build a relationship on. Yikes.
Someone please recap the 20/20 thing. I won’t be able to watch and I’m guessing it won’t be available online.
#41 — re a ‘meaningful relationship’ — I thought it was classic when he told Tenley that their relationship was building slowly and she said, “I thought that was the way it was supposed to be done”, or something to that effect. Touché, Tenley. There is a big difference between lust and a lasting, deep relationship.
Also, I saw Tenley on Ellen this morning, but I was watching it while on the treadmill at the gym and could only read the closed captioning. She seemed to do a great job and looked adorable. Ellen is pushing for her to be on DWTS if something happens to one of the other contestants, like Melissa’s situation.
vomit.
http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20348069,00.html
i thought i was going to pass out when jake called vienna ‘my baby’
#139 “I just can’t keep myself off of her”…ugh. Speaking from experience, no matter how you try, a physical attraction FADES in a hurry and what you once equated to love was revealed to be lust and it just doesn’t translate into relationship building that can last for 60 years. Jake may be 31 in physical years, but mentally he’s still the awkward geeky high school guy. Most of the folks I know who have been married umpteen years didn’t start out with the white hot intense flame. Yes there was major attraction, but the love, it built up over time.
Note to self: stay single, find boy toy for ocassional nights out
The 20/20 Special on the Bachelor is Monday, March 15th.
My final 2 cents on this: Speaking from experience, it is impossible to court more than one woman at a time – at least with a clear conscience. Only a complete, egotistical, jerk would like having this much attention and only a sociopath could play games with a dozen women at once.
So let’s all breath a sigh of relief for the “loser” Tenley. She just got spared a tedious life with a boring midget.
Loved, loved the recap!! Better than the show!
I follow a couple blogs and was a little sad that this wasn’t offered to Lincee as I feel she is the most deserving:
http://bachelorlove.blogspot.com/
Long story short, she was asked by ABC producers to interview as a blogger for The Bachelor/ette for the 20/20 special.
This season left a really bad taste in my mouth and soured my stomach a little. If this keeps up I’m gonna become a full blown cynic.
I have decided to do like I did last season with Jillian. NOT WATCH THE SHOW AT ALL but live vicariously through Lincee’s (and a couple others I’ve found who are FUNNY, NOT RS!!!) blog.
I enjoyed the HECK out of Jillian’s season because I rarely watched the actualy shows – just enough to be able to put faces and personalities with names.
And no more Reality Steve for me. He’s ruined this season. RUINED it. So dark. So negative. SO MEAN about everything that when you read (slog through the wordy wordy WORDS to get to) his blog? You go away with a tummy ache and hating the world.
Who needs that? Last season’s show was FUN because no RS and No taking it seriously, no conspiracy theories, no spoilers, nothing but Lincee and a few actual shows. LOVED it.
I learned my lesson. Too much of anything gives you a bellyache. This season was just TOO MUCH.
#149–I SOOO agree! I checked out that “other” bachelor blog, and as of then there were 21 comments. What are we at here now…150? Seriously. I suppose its that snarky sarcastic humor that’s keeping IHGB from getting the recognition it deserves. Waaaaay more fun!!!
Some Guy–great to hear from you! You make us all wait too long for your excellent observations!
Doesn’t the whole Jake and Vienna thing remind you of a sit-com?? Kinda like a reverse “Green Acres”?
A couple observations – did anyone notice on the Forego episode, during Jake and Vienna’s date when they were at dinner, Vienna’s promise ring from her dad didn’t have the pink stone in it. Also, on the entire finale episode, the pink stone wasn’t in the ring. When she gave the ring to Jake, it was a ring shell with a big hole where the stone should be. Then, when he gave the ring back to her before he proposed, the stone had magically appeared but was darker in color than the original. It wasn’t a pale pink like we saw all season, it was almost a purple-ish pink. Wonder what that was all about? I thought it was weird.
Also, when Jake and Tenley were on the boat and Jake was telling her that he wasn’t hot for her, I was thinking “RUN Tenley!! RUN for the hills!!” How awesome would that have been if she would have just said that she was going to make Jake’s decision really easy by dumping him. I so wish she would have done that. But, poor thing, she didn’t “get” what he was saying. Guess she is too sweet (if not a little naive) to realize that Jake was thinking with his pee pee.