iHateGreenBeans

I’d like to get some housekeeping out of the way before we begin the recap.

ATTENTION OKLAHOMA READERS:

I know that some of you know or know of someone who knows Jet and Cord McCoy – the alarmingly adorable brotherly cowboy duo of The Amazing Race. I implore you to do whatever it takes to secure me an introduction. We all know I’m a sucker for a cowboy hat. And belt buckles. And starched jeans. And darling boys in starched jeans. Thank goodness for the Houston Rodeo. Can I get an amen from the congregation?

Wait. Where was I?

Oh right. Come on Oklahoma! Hook a sister up!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled recap.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin the last leg of this journey listening to Jake channel his former glory days as an airline pilot as he rattles off the weather report for the viewing audience.

Jake: “It’s going to be a beautiful day in Saint Lucia. The weather is 90 degrees in full sunlight. A perfect paradise for falling in love and throwing rocks into the ocean. I expect a turbulent ride these next few days, but that doesn’t stop me from the excitement of seeing my loved one. And by loved one, I mean my Mama.”

Jake goes on to tell the camera that he and Tenley have an amazing level of communication and that she is too good to be true. He follows that statement with the obligatory, “But Vienna and I have lightning hot chemistry.”

Gee. I wonder who he’s going to choose?

Jake: “I knew from the beginning that Tenley was perfect for me. I’ve never communicated on a level like that before. But Vienna is a vixen. We don’t even have to talk because her tongue is down my throat all the time. And she calls me Baby. She makes me feel like I’m the only guy in the room.”

Hey Jake. Call me crazy, but aren’t you the only guy in the room most of the time? Feeling a bit intimidated by the key grip and ABC intern are we? Trust me. No one is going to pull a Roz ever again. The ABC lawyers are all over that situation. Now if they want to lie about their job to get out of the game so they can be the next Bachelorette…that’s totally acceptable.

Our confused Bachelor is excited to see his family and all but cries tears of joy when he enters the cabana to find not only his parents, but two brother and “the sisters-in-law.” He claims to be very relieved that they all put their medical practices on hold to come to his rescue and offer a second set of eyes on his future wife’s resumes.

Jake: “Seriously family unit…I could marry either one of these girls. They are night and day different.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “But which one fits the unit?”

Jake: “I don’t know. I need help.”
Dad: “Do they make you laugh?”

Jake: “Yes Father. They do. And they laugh at my cheese ass jokes.”
Sister-in-Law 2: “Wow. They are special women. Bring them to us and we will decide who is best for you young Jake. Leave it to the women.”

Jake: “You will meet Tenley first. She’s 25 and has a ton of experience. We connect emotionally. Then there’s Vienna. She is drop dead gorgeous. She came to meet me. ME! And she didn’t make any friends. The girls hated her.”

A red flag literally rose from the back of Jake’s Mom’s Sallie’s head at that precise moment. Her eyes began to squint and her lips pursed with disdain. She exchanges glances with “the sisters-in-law” and then softens her voice to speak.

Sallie: “My son. She is a girl that all the other girls didn’t like? There’s something to that dear one. Listen to reason.”

Jake tells the camera that he feels like a colossal dufus for leading his mother into a negative opinion of Vienna.

Tenley approaches the cabana with a darling coral dress and perfectly coiffed springing curls fresh off the iron and a spray tan that glistens in the afternoon sun. She has a ginormous bouquet of exotic flowers that she presents to her future mother-in-law before making the round extending hugs to everyone.

Immediately, Sallie and “the sisters-in-law” are at ease as Tenley begins her romantic comedy soliloquy of how she and Jake are falling in love. She regales that the one thing that makes her admire Jake so much is that his character is strong and a direct reflection of his parents’ upbringing.

Jake’s Dad begins to cry, which makes Jake cry. The brothers get emotional and head outside. I assume so they can Mesnick out on the balcony overlooking the sulpher springs. “The sisters-in-law” begin to smile as Sallie takes Tenley outside, away from the emotional roller coaster helmed by the men in her life, so she can really ask the important questions.

Sallie: “Let’s say you had a fight with your sister…”
Tenley: “M’am. I apologize for interrupting. But I make it a point to never argue. One should settle any discrepancies over a nice batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of ice cold milk. Or spoonful of sugar.”

Sallie: “OK. Let me put this another way. Conflict. Have you ever had any conflict in your life? I mean, aside from having to make your outfits out of curtains you find in your bedroom? Or being stuck in that tower all the live long day before my son came riding up to save you on his white horse?”

Tenley: “Oh my goodness. Yes. This is something I don’t like to talk about more than once a day, but I need to tell you a secret.”

Sallie: “Let me guess. You pricked your finger on a spinning wheel once? Look Rapunzel, it is very important that ‘the sisters-in-law’ get along well. The women are the glue that hold this family together. I raised a bunch of pansies and need to know that you can handle the heat in the kitchen.”

Tenley: “Of course. I love cooking. I’m a baker. You should try my strawberry cupcakes. They are famous. But I do need to tell you about my past. I was married. And he left. But I’m here. I don’t give up. And I want to be in this family and be one of ‘the sisters-in-law’ because Jake is an incredible man. He is so beautiful.”

Sallie gives the thumbs up sign to “the sisters-in-law” and tells Jake that Tenley has her stamp of approval and that the other girl shouldn’t bother showing up. Meanwhile, Tenley makes the father cry again during her alone time and they share a Kleenex.

Jake tells his Mom that Tenley hasn’t seen his fun side. He wonders if she will be able to let loose and not be so perfect.

Sallie: “You and your brothers are TOUGH. I didn’t raise a bunch of girly men. You tell her that you like to rough house and wrestle and be playful because you are a MAN who grew up with BROTHERS and that’s what you do.”

Jake: “I know Mama. I little organized rough housing in which the rules are clearly stated beforehand is good for the soul. I should put her to a test and see if she’s spontaneous.”

Jake finds Tenley with his Dad’s head in her lap, jerks her up and runs for the pool. He stops. Takes off his kicky orange super sports watch (that is probably waterproof if I had to guess) flings off his flip flops and jumps in.

So spontaneous.

Then Tenley follows and they make out in the deep end. Shortly after, the older mute brothers check with their wives and their mother to see if they can be spontaneous too. All three give the nod, watches and shoes are removed and two more bodies enter the deep end for a big, wet, awkward group hug. Tenley removes herself as the brothers continue to embrace.

The women are inside planning defense against “the other girl” and Dad is Mesnicking poolside.

All is right with the world.

The next day, Vienna shows up outside the cabana waving to Jake and calling him Baby. He melts, takes her hand and walks to a secluded bench. He reminds her that she just needs to be herself.

Vienna: “I’m nervous to meet your family. No one ever likes me at first.”
Jake: “Just be yourself. You are good at that. Please keep your shirt down so my Mama doesn’t see your weird tattoo and we should be fine. Oh. And keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Ready?”

Vienna enters the living room nervously grabbing her hair extensions. She leads off the conversation by telling the family that she is from a small town in Florida. Oh yeah. And the girls hated her from the beginning.

Sallie shuts down. She’s done.
Sister-in-Law 1 says that Vienna is controversial.
Sister-in-Law 2 tells the camera that she thinks Vienna has no class.

Sallie: “Did you have trouble getting along with the other girls?”
Vienna: “Yep.”

Sister-in-Law 1: “Why is that?”
Vienna: “Because I’m brutally honest.”

Sister-in-Law 2: “You couldn’t be more different than Tenley.”
Vienna: “I know. I’m not a robot.”

Sister-in-Law 1: “If you are so honest, tell me. Am I pretty?”
Vienna: “Yes.”
Sister-in-Law 1: “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
Vienna: “Yes. Just kidding.”

Sallie is ready to stab Vienna with her shrimp fork.
Lincee is cheering Vienna on. This is fabulous TV.

Sister-in-Law 2: “What do you like about Jake?”
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
Vienna: “I don’t know. He’s sweet. Most of the time.”

Sallie is done. She aggressively places her napkin on the bamboo place mat and asks/tells Jake to take a walk with her.

Sallie: “Jake. I worry about ‘the sisters-in-law’ and ‘her’ ability to get along with them. I’m going to tell her that. I can’t sit here and watch you choose this over Tenley. She is gong to poke fun. Can you imagine? Look down the road. Look at how she will poke fun! We don’t tolerate poking in this family!”
Jake: “But Mama…”

Sallie: “Are you defending her Jake?”

Jake tells the camera that he thinks his Mama and Vienna are not meshing well. Then he admits that he feels like he’s always trying to talk people into liking Vienna. What is up with that?

It’s called thinking with the big head and not the little head Jake. You should try it.

Meanwhile, “the sisters-in-law” have ambushed Vienna. Naturally, Vienna is oblivious.

SIL1: “What is your opinion of Tenley?”
Vienna: “She’s sweet but she has no opinions. It was really annoying. She doesn’t know the Jake I know.”

SIL2: “And which Jake might that be?”
Vienna: “I challenge him. He likes it.”

SIL1: “Is Jake in love with you?”
Vienna: “Yes.”

SIL1: “With Tenley?”
Vienna: “No.”

SIL2: “You are going to feel pretty stupid when he picks Tenley.”
Vienna: “I can’t see my life without him. I love Jake and want him to be happy. If Tenley is the one, it will break my heart, but oh well.”

Vienna leaves to face Sallie. “The sisters-in-law” find Jake to report their intel.

SIL1: “She is abrasive when you first meet her. After we talked, we know that she really cares about you and see you for who you are.”
SIL2: “I just think that when I first met her, I judged her. And I’m feeling guilty about that. Let’s hug it out. She is a great girl with a heart of gold.”

EXCUSE ME? What in the world just happened here? Hold the phone and rewind, because I think we have just experienced a major chunk of editing! The non-crying sister-in-law is crying over VIENNA? Jake is crying because the non-crying sister-in-law is crying? Vienna has cracked the Mom?

I smell conspiracy theory. Money has been exchanged. Is there a Mob in Florida? Because somebody’s Daddy is a member for sure.

One-On-One Date with Vienna
Jake decides to brave the pungent odor of sulpher springs in order to get all hot and bothered rubbing mud on his White Lightning Lover. Vienna ordered a new hot pink bikini from Victoria Secret because she didn’t want to mess up her green one with the ruffle.

Jake: “We can’t keep our hands off each other. There is a natural chemistry.”

And there was mud. And rubbing. And more mud. And more rubbing. Vienna smears mud on Jake’s washboard abs and begins to draw pictures.

Vienna: “This is what I want to do to you later.”

Jake doesn’t get it because he’s looking at the graphic upside down. The ABC Intern quickly runs in and dumps more mud on the X-rated drawing and reminds Vienna that this is a family show and encourages her to write something sweeter. She giggles and opts for “I Love You” in perfect penmanship.

After five minutes of what could have been aired as a soft porn promo for Cinemax, Jake and Vienna take it to the waterfall so they can rinse off. I’m assuming Vienna lost her bottoms along the way because somehow she managed to have on purple board shorts when they headed to the rinsing station. Another five minutes of rubbing and touching in the water and the producers have fulfilled their “steamy” obligation in their contract with ABC.

Vienna dresses in her signature color green for her sexy date night with Jake. Panties were clearly optional. They toast to the last date on this journey and begin to re-enact their mud date.

Jake: “I would be lying if I said I didn’t thoroughly enjoy covering Vienna in mud today. But I don’t want physical attraction to get in the way of my judgment.”

He starts to have his first normal conversation with Vienna, making sure to put at least two feet of space between them so she can’t confuse him with her boobs and tongue.

Jake: “Can I ask you a question? What was it like being married for three weeks?”
Vienna: “The best part was that Hooters catered our reception. Other than that, it was pretty lame. There was no love. (She inches closer.) There was no passion. (She touches his thigh.) We were dumb kids.”

Vienna presents Jake with a box she made by spray painting shells she found on the beach. Inside, there is a note rolled up like a scroll. Her promise-to-never-run-off-and-get-married-again-ring is holding the rolled up note together.

Jake reads the note out loud. He looks like he’s about to hurl in the mosquito netting that surrounds the bed. Instead, Vienna says she wants to fall asleep in his arms. That’s when Jake begins to cry. And whisper sweet nothings into his beloved’s ear.

Then they do the thing she drew on his abs, but that wasn’t on TV.

One-On-One Date with Tenley
Immediately, you can tell that Jake is forcing happiness with Tenley. The tension oozes from his body the minute he runs to greet her in a position that I once saw on the greatest of all time movies Urban Cowboy. However, Bud and Sissy executing this maneuver were much cooler than Jake and Tenley.

They board a yacht. They snorkel. They look at mountains through binoculars. There was no mud. There was not heat.

In fact, there was a great big “I AM SO NOT IN TO YOU” face that Jake wore the entire date, that I’m surprised Tenley didn’t demand to be taken back to her tree house immediately.

And to make matters worse, Jake decides this moment to reveal his true feelings. Well…sort of.

Jake: “Tenley…you captivate me on every level emotionally. It’s so deep. Are you concerned at all about how the emotional is alarmingly high and sometimes it feels like the physical isn’t as high?”

Tenley looks at Jake like he’s grown an additional head from his body. Jake senses danger.

Jake: “What I mean is that it’s not sexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But you know, it’s not crazy, mad, compassionate or even love. Does that make sense?”
Tenley: “I think we have heat, but do you not think we do?”

Jake: “Girl. Heat is VIENNA and she was on fire yesterday in the sulpher springs. Man. She drew this thing on my belly and I was all, ‘What’s that?’ and she was all, ‘I’ll show you later.’ Do you have anything you’d like to draw on me? I can find some mud or maybe a magic marker.”

Tenley gathers her raw emotions and begins her speech:

“Jake. I want a man who loves all of me. I want them to love me as much as possible. Did you know I had an ex-husband who did not do that? That’s right Jake. I was married before. And it hurts to know that you think we don’t have physical chemistry. But I will continue to smile and sing and dance. Because you can’t take those away from me.”

Later in Tenley’s tree house, Jake confesses that he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and that he was sorry. Jake says that her eyes and teeth are pretty. Tenley refuses to clue in on the fact that he never really said they had heat and forgets that there was still no spark and goes on to tell the camera that she can’t wait to join Jake’s family.

She presents Jake with a home made shadow box filled with mementos of their time on the show together. Jake begins to kiss Tenley while she still holds the box. His eyes are shut so tight, just willing a spark.

Alas. There is none.

When you are The Bachelor, the best way to ponder about loving two women in your life is to take your shirt off, roll up your pajama pant legs and dip your feet in a reflecting pool.

If you are Tenley, you put on your striped bikini and have your morning coffee on the veranda of your tree house and dream of living there forever…Swiss Family style.

If you are Vienna, you take a walk on the beach and draw a heart in the sand. Then you wash off in a see-through shower on national TV.

And if you are the diamond sponsor of Season 27 of The Bachelor like Neil Lane, you give the poor confused guy two rings to hold on to until he chooses his bride.

Rose Ceremony
After long montages of the girls getting ready and Jake crying, we see our beloved Host Chris Harrison standing in the tall grass waiting for the first girl to arrive via helicopter. Not a hair is out of place as he takes the hand of the golden goddess Tenley. He marches her to the end of the Bridge of Doom as Jake waits in a sea of begonias on the other side.

Tenley tells the camera that she is ready to leave her past behind and start the rest of her life. She will give her heart to Jake.

And he will hand it right back.

Jake: “I love that we have the same values, morals, temperament and ideas on life. Your positivity is infectious. But there is not heat. You are perfect. But there’s something that is not there.”

Tenley goes on to hold her head up high and be a gracious loser for about 10 minutes. I feel the best way to portray this part of the episode would be through one of my famous MINICAPS.

Jake crying. Tenley crying. Tenley hurting. Lots of thanking. Lots of crying. Declaration of loving. Remembering how to love. Learning to love again. Giving of hearts. Apologizing. Crying. Crying. Tears. A bit of snot. Ugly crying. Feeling special. Mascara running. Hand holding. Bridge escorting. Pausing. More crying. More questions. Silver lining searching. No heat. No magic. Fake smiling. Death gripping. Saying goodbye nine times. More thanking. More crying. Our Host yelling GET ON WITH IT. One last look. Tears. Execution of the Half-Mesnick.

After Jake collects himself, he waits as Our Host escorts his green Grecian love across the Bridge of Doom. Vienna blurts out that she is in love. Jake gives an aw-shucks grin and asks, “Really?”

No Captain Obvious. She’s only told you every day for the past eight weeks.

Jake gives her the please-don’t-get-married-in-Vegas-again-because-I-just-might-beat-the-guy-to-a-pulp-and-go-to-jail ring from her father back and replaces it with the Neil Lane one. He gets the biggest cheese ass look on his face and tells Vienna he loves her and asks her to marry him.

Cue the “Wings of Love” video montage. Nice.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Before I’ve had the opportunity to digest what’s going on, Our Host Chris Harrison is bringing out Tenley so we can reflect on the emotional day that we just watched less than 14 minutes ago.

After talking about the proper definition of physical chemistry and her ex-husband, I still have no time to process the fact that Jake is coming out to meet Tenley in the hot seat. SLOW DOWN HARE!

Jake comes out and hugs Tenley long enough for her to be overpowered by how good he smells. We know this because she admitted it on TV. Awkward.

Ten: “How are you? Are you happy?”
Jake: “I’m good. Yes, I’m happy. I haven’t told my Mama yet, but I don’t care. I will stand up to the family if it kills me. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A DOCTOR LIKE THE REST OF YOU OKAY? I DON’T WANT TO BE A PILOT EITHER. I JUST WANT TO DANCE!”

Hare: “Easy Jakey Boy. Calm down. Tell Tenley again that you had no physical chemistry so she can go choreograph an interpretive dance and we can start the after party!”

Ten: “Yeah Jake. I just don’t understand what was missing.”
Jake: “I wanted a spark to be there. Truly I did. My family loves you and that is so important to me. I probably won’t ever get to go back to Christmas in Dallas again. ‘The sisters-in-law’ would never accept me. But my heart just wasn’t in it and I had to follow my heart.”

Ten: “I think it was unfair to Vienna that you were so attached to me at the end. I wouldn’t want to be in that position.”

The Audience: “BURN! OH NO SHE DIDN’T!”

Jake: “I will always love you no matter what Tenley. You have a life friend. This is not goodbye. Vienna will be okay with it. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be hard pressed to talk her into a threesome. Besides, I need a backup because when Sallie meets the Vienna parents, it’s going to be sad and she’ll probably make me break up with her. Can you hang on for a few months until my contract is up with ABC? And will you vote for me on Dancing with the Stars?”

Tenley kisses him on the cheeks and twirls off the stage.

OHCH: “Dude. How tough was that?”
Jake: “It was hard. She’s such a great friend. But Vienna is my Baby.”

[Cue “awwwww” from the audience.]

OHCH: “So what is it about her besides the obvious?”
Jake: “She’s passionate. Romantic. Adventuresome. Protective.”

OHCH: “She carries condoms in her purse?”
Jake: “Precisely.”

OHCH: “That’s great Jake. Now it’s time for me to throw you under the bus and make my favorite blogger Lincee Ray the happiest person on the face of the earth. You were a bit emotional this year and even had a couple of Mesnicks along the way. Do you feel like a total door knob? Or are you okay with it because most of them were just half-Mesnicks?”

Jake: “Ha. Ha. Very funny Chris.”

OHCH: “On the serious. I’m happy for you guys. She wasn’t the popular choice. In fact…she was down right controversial. And you know how we love those ratings! You pleasantly surprised me by growing a pair and telling everyone to be damned! You are not here to please anyone but yourself.”

Jake: “My Mama is going to kill me, but I think I can be quite happy in a swamp in Florida.”

Enter Vienna. Thank goodness someone got a hold of her hair. NO ROOTS!

OHCH: “Wow Vienna. Everyone hated you. Even the tabloids. What’s that about?”

Vienna, forever clueless or careless, just giggles and smiles and keeps her focus on Our Host Chris Harrison’s hair line.

Vienna: “I know! They say I have a secret boyfriend. So secret…I don’t even know him.”

Bah dum dum.

Jake: “You know what Chris? That’s okay that people don’t get my decision. I know her heart and her value and her passion. She is the best girl for me given my choices on this show. Everyone will have to trust me. Do you hear that Mama? TRUST ME. It’s my life and I listened to my heart. The fact that she never wears underwear had nothing to do with my decision. NOTHING.”

After announcing that Vienna will move to Dallas immediately and me wondering how that is going to happen because Jake will have to be in Los Angeles to film Dancing with the Stars, Our Host Chris Harrison presents them with a vacation back to Saint Lucia.

But that’s not all.

In order for him to drop the charges against illegally using his lyrics at least two times per episode, ABC springs for the effervescent Jeffery Osborne to serenade the couple with…you guessed it…ON THE WINGS OF LOVE!

It was, perhaps, THE most painful serenade in front of a live studio audience ever filmed. I fast forwarded. I will not tell a lie.

But Harrison is not done. Oh no. It’s time for the most dramatic reveling in ABC history. Who will be the new Bachelorette debuting this May? Hold on to your hats ladies and gentleman, because ALI is here to stay.

Wah. Wah.

I can not tell a lie. I fast forwarded again. I can only assume that her work understands that she will have to be away from her duties for more than two weeks why she pilfers through 25 buxom young men just waiting for her to straddle them like she did Jake in the meadow that day.

So that’s it green beaners! I have to say it’s been a fun ride this episode. ABC kept us on our toes! And to learn that Jake is competing on Dancing with the Stars? And Ali is the new Bachelorette? And Jason and Molly’s wedding is airing Monday? And 20/20 is having a special on behind the scenes of The Bachelor?

This is not goodbye. This is hang on for the ride through the summer!

Besides the Bachelor, we will have Idol recaps (TEAM BOWERSOX), another exciting installment of Big Pimpin’ and probably a post on my unnatural obsession with the TV show Chuck.

And remember…someone needs to help find me the McCoy brothers!

Until then, I’m all about the shame…not the fame,

Lincee