iHateGreenBeans

Monday is the big day people.  America is pulling for Ali to find her one true love.  And the producers have gone above and beyond to compile, how shall I put this delicately…an interesting group of young suitors.

In keeping with tradition, I’ve selected a few of Ali’s gentlemen callers that in some way caught my eye.  I feel the following will definitely get a bid to the next round of manic chaos.

Meet Justin

No, no. This isn’t the newest member of Jersey Shore who goes by the name “The State of Affairs.” Justin here is from Toronto, Canada, eh? He’s all aboot wrestling. That’s his occupation. Oh yah. That chain around his neck has a diamond encrusted JYD at the end of it. It was too “street” for ABC to show on their website. And tattoo count? Let’s just say there’s a maple leaf in a certain place that Ali shouldn’t see until the top secret forgo card fantasy suite date. Now that’s wicked.

Meet Derek

When I look at Derek, I can’t help but want to kiss him. It’s probably because I’m out of my Dr Pepper lip smacker and one smooch from this guy will last me for days.

Meet one of the Chris’

Let’s pause and take a good long look at his t-shirt.  Home Boy is rockin’ the periodic chart of elements!  I say, “Bravo!  Well done Chris #2!”  You embraced your inner nerd and refused to wear the gem-colored perfect tee from the Gap that the ABC fashion assistant insisted you try on upon seeing your photo shoot costume of choice.  You agree with her that salmon and teal are indeed in your color pallet, yet you maintain true to your roots and educate her on the difference between Boron and Beryllium.  Once she is transfixed by your dorky ways, you teach her that O2 is the symbol for oxygen, which is really just gin, and you ask the ABC intern who is holding the ABC make-up artist’s array of  various tinted foundation to run and fetch you a O2 and tonic.  Let’s face it.  Chris #2 needs a sweet girl on his arm when he wins his Pulitzer Prize.  I predict he will go far.

Meet Kirk

Kirk is an All-American boy from Wisconsin.
Attributes:  honesty, integrity and persistence
Role Model:  Lance Armstrong
Tattoo:  one…a bald eagle in front of Old Glory
Gap Perfect Tee:  check

I think we may have a contender ladies and gentlemen.

Meet Kyle

I like Kyle.  He was the only one that didn’t apply an absurd amount of hair product to his head of curls.  And even though the ABC fashion consultant turned her nose up at his button up he wore as an homage to Kurt Cobain, he was nice enough to humor her by wearing the perfect Gap tee in sea breeze underneath the flannel.  One may assume from the tooth hanging around his neck that he is a fisherman from Alaska, but one would be wrong.  He’s a plaid-wearing lumberjack from Colorado.  Actually, I made that up.  According to his bio, he’s an outdoorsman.  I’m going to go ahead and put that career choice in the “socialite” and “prince” category.  But he did graduate from Fire Fighter’s Academy with honors.  Only you can prevent forest fires.  And when you are a certified outdoorsman, you better do it with honors.