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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for STDs.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011 @ 02:02 PM
Author: Lincee

Clever, clever readers! Thank you so much for those of you who participated in my very first giveaway. Although you are all winners in my eyes, it’s not so much that way with my family and friends.

I’d like to extend the signed Bachelor tote to IHGB reader JennyToo. Behold her clever limerick:

A tat that says “family” is cool,
If you’re a dad with three kids at the pool.
But Brad’s just a guy,
Who needs Shrinks to get by.
Please, thank you, he’s hot, but a tool.

I couldn’t have said it better myself! Congratulations!

As promised, here’s a link to the AOL TV Squad video where I use the word dominatrix. My Mama will be so proud.

Now on with the recap…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who often purchases the Chick-fil-A cow calendars and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I believe Our Host Chris Harrison is finally coming back to us. He was looking strong and dapper in his striped turquoise button down as he reminds the ladies that things are about to get serious…the dreaded two-on-one date is about to change the game. He tells them their journey of love is about to take them out of the mansion. They have approximately one hour to get packed because they are headed to VEGAS BABY! The 22-year-olds jump up and down and scream wildly, excited that this time when they visit Sin City, they won’t be drinking and gambling illegally.

All the girls are given Flip cams and we are treated to stellar footage of walking, waiting for luggage and more walking with jerky camera movement. It had a low budget Blair Witch feel. Michelle again throws gangster signs and Alli dreams of a wedding at one of the drive through chapels on the seedier side of town.

Brad pulls up in a silver stretch limo and is greeted by either the General Manager of the Aria Hotel or the Mayor of Las Vegas. I had gone to make myself a sandwich because I was so bored. The General Mayor is suddenly absent and two more limos pull up with squealing women gasping at Hotter Than Crap Brad’s pecs in his lackluster gray Henley. Hugs all around and Brad leads the ladies up to their suite where they will be forbidden to leave for the next 48 hours.

The appropriate OMGs are uttered and the girls scatter to check out their new digs. Brad pleases and thanks everyone before whipping out a date card from his back pocket. The brunette you can’t ever remember named Marissa says she’s anxious and nervous.

As you should be random girl. As you should be.

One-On-One Date
Shawntel
“Let’s End Tonight With A Bang”

Shawntel. You remember her, right? She’s the other Chantel. She insists on jumping up into Brad’s arms for a kiss and has unofficially christened it “their thing.” Oh. And she is a funeral director and is super nervous about telling Brad this life-altering bit of information about herself.

Brad arrives in a gingham dress shirt and sweater vest. Shawntel pulls a Fedotowsky and comes bouncing down the stairs in tiny white shorts and an off-the-shoulder hot pink Flashdance top. What a feeling indeed.

Brad takes Shawntel to a “fancy mall” with “icebergs” in the middle. Shawntel laments that she is certainly not in her local Chico shopping center and wonders aloud of this place has a Gap.

Brad: “We are going to have so much fun today. I’m giving you a shopping spree. You can go in any store and buy whatever you want!”
Shawntel: “OMG, REALLY?”
ABC Producer: “Actually Brad, here’s a list of the stores who are contractually obligated to let us have free stuff from their establishments. I’ve marked the mall guide map in red where you CAN NOT GO.”

Shawntel: “Is Forever XXI marked in red?”
Brad: “Does the GNC count? I’m running low on supplements and…
ABC Producer: “Guys! There’s a Fendi store right there. Go. Spend.”

We sit through a 20 minute montage of Shawntel trying on scarves, Brad trying on purple velvet jackets, Brad encouraging Shawntel to buy things and Shawntel looking at an adorable little black shoe with Fraggle Rock feathers on the top. They compliment each other and haul their treasures back to the iceberg to assess the damage. In his best Oprah voice, Brad says, “THIS IS YOURS. THIS IS YOURS. THIS IS YOURS” as he loads Shawntel up like a pack mule in Guadalajara.

Shawntel stumbles through the suite door and lands in a sea of boxes, bags and tissue paper. The other girls are conveniently all there to watch as she unwraps each and every purchase. Their blood pressure rises with each unveiling. Envy is never a pretty color on any woman’s face, but I found it rather hilarious on Michelle’s. Especially when she found out that the bag Shawntel was clutching cost five thousand dollars.

Ashley S. whines in baby talk about how she wished she could have been on the Pretty Woman date. That brunette you don’t know named Marissa gets some more air time so it won’t be totally awkward when she gets kicked off the next night. Shawntel feels that the natives are getting restless, so she goes upstairs to get ready for her date. The ABC Psychotherapist insists that all the girls drink at least two beers. They are on the second round when our Bachelor walks in unannounced.

Brad sits very still, assuming that if he doesn’t move, they won’t notice that he’s still there. Fortunately, Shawntel descends the stairs and they tell each other how cute and wonderful they both look.

Because we can’t have a Brad 2.0 episode that doesn’t include a date on a roof, Brad escorts Shawntel to the top of the Hotel Aria. The words amazing and awesome were used 27 times respectively. I found the entire exchange so dull that I almost started doing crunches to pass the time. Luckily, Shawntel decided that she was confident enough to tell Brad her super dark secret. My interest was peaked and I decided to forgo the crunches for a Dr Pepper and the last remnants of my bag of Beaver Nuggets.

Shawntel: “I need to tell you something.”
Brad: “I can’t handle any more death stories or Daddy issues. Dr. Jaime says that I’m not ready for those sorts of emotions.”

Shawntel: “No. It’s about my profession.”
Brad: “Does it involve a pole and/or a chain that when you pull it, water comes from the ceiling?”

Shawntel: “No.”
Brad: “Are you a welder?”
Shawntel: “No. I’m a funeral director. I embalm dead people.”

Brad, assuming that Shawntel is totally yanking his own chain, dives right in with a smirk on his face and asks what you have to do to embalm someone. Then Shawntel talks about vein drains while slurping up spaghetti and insists that it isn’t weird.

Later in his talking head interview, Hotter Than Crap Brad can’t keep it together. He is laughing hysterically about how Shawntel used the phrases “orifice leaking,” molding ears” and a cross-eyed cat named Peaches. I have to say, I would almost forgive ABC for their lack of shirtless scenes if they showed THIS Brad more often!

Brad has a serious case of the giggles and Shawntel takes it all in stride. They both scream and laugh when the champagne cork mysteriously pops by the ghost of Shawntel’s last embalming patient. He tells her she’s the hottest funeral director he’s ever met and then radios the ABC intern to start the fireworks. He gives her the safety rose, performs “their move” and Shawntel’s crotch shot is fair game for all of the ABC viewing audience. They kiss as the final explosion erupts. Not the “big bang” Shawntel was hoping for, but she’ll take it.

Group Date
Jackie, Emily, Random Curly Haired Girl, the Brunette You Don’t Know Named Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle
“Let’s Go Speed Dating”

I guess the ABC intern forgot to pack the Date Card Table because the envelope is haphazardly shoved through the crack of the suite doors. Jackie ticks off the names of the lucky group date participants and then a hush falls over the crowd as the Ashleys realize they have been strategically chosen by the ABC producers for the dismal two-on-one date. Ashley H. decides to look shocked until she turns around and sees her BeFri crying in her NYU sweatshirt. She quickly changes gear and whips up a few tears.

The group date girls dress in casual flirty-wear, hop in a limo and make their way to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. A lone race car drives the speed limit round and round. Jackie wonders where Brad is? (Head in the game Jackie. He’s the dude going 55 mph in the car behind you. Look alive out there.) He hops out of the car in his NASCAR outfit looking pretty hot. He is excited to tell the ladies that they will be driving in super cute outfits like he has on with a matching helmet. The girls change, prop their helmets under the crook of their arm, wait for the ABC intern to turn on the fog machine and walk in a uniformed line up to the pit.

Britt gets ready by fashioning her hair into a long Rapunzel braid.
Chantal decides not to look at her dashboard and just keep her foot on the gas.
Michelle tells everyone that she looks hot in her NASCAR suit.

Brad, being the sleuth that he is, detects some anxiety in Emily’s face. From her jittery movements, glistening eyeballs and planted on fake smile, he senses that something is going on. He pulls away from the group in the green grassy middle part and she almost immediately blurts out that her fiancé was a NASCAR driver and his career ended at this very track. Then she apologizes if he thinks she is being ungrateful.

Brad: “I’m a jerk.”
Emily: “Don’t say that. How could you know?”
Lincee: You’re right Emily. The PRODUCERS are heartless, shells of a human being.

Emily decides to ride in the car because Brad was so excited to bring the girls here. She drives around twice for Ricky and once for herself, proud that she now has some sort of closure. She’s ready to finally find love again.

Brad takes the ladies to a rooftop so he can sit around a perfectly good pool and not take his shirt off. He pulls Emily aside again for some alone time. Alli is jealous that the worst story gets all the attention. No one touches that comment because it’s dripping with bad karma. Brad basically tells Emily he is scared that he won’t ever fill the shoes of her deceased beloved. Emily knows this is too much for Brad to handle and concludes that he is about to run for the hills like all the other men in her life. She graciously suggests they head back to the party so he can talk to the other girls.

Alli takes him away and begins crying because she doesn’t feel special. Then Chantal pulls him away and begins crying because she used to feel special but now she doesn’t. She “accidentally” drops the word love and then takes it back. She turns on some dramatic waterworks and tells him if he doesn’t like her right now to send her home immediately.

Brad returns to the pool bobbing up and down like a pathetic almost deflated balloon. Knowing that the weak wait for opportunities and the strong take them, Michelle decides to whisk Brad away and fill him back up with her hot air. They make out behind a curtain.

Our Bachelor steals Emily for a third time to give her the safety rose. Chantal feels like a creepy person watching them on a date.

Welcome to our world EVERY WEEK Chantal.

Two-On-One Date
Ashley 1 and Ashley 2
“Come Swing with the King”

Shawntel reads the date card to the forlorn Ashleys. To rub salt in the open wound, she reads another note from someone posing as Harrison: “Two girls. One rose. One stays. One goes.”

Note to reader: Harrison would never rhyme. Gangster rap…yes, but that’s different.

The Ashleys arrive in perfect step, both thanking Brad’s praises of their evening outfit choices in textbook unison. The make their way to an Elvis Cirque du Soleil show rehearsal where acrobats are performing a death-defying feats high above the stage in a contraption that looks like a big diamond ring as “Treat Me Like a Fool” plays symbolically in the background.

The symbolism almost slapped me in the face.

To no one’s surprise because we saw this last year with the whole Lion King on Broadway, the artistic director tells the Ashleys that he is about to test their chemistry while dangling from above in secure harnesses.

Ashley S. immediately begins to melt like a pat of butter on a stack of pancakes before our eyes. She claims that she is fighting inner demons and this competition will NOT be with other Ashley, but with inner Ashley. I was expecting a big revelation that she has a fear of heights, but the producers remembered we’d already been down that road with Michelle, so they opted to edit that part out.

The winning Ashley will be performing for a sold out audience of 1,800 people. The artistic director gets all artistic directory on us and puts each girl in a single spotlight sitting on stage looking up at the competing Ashley. Each speak about the pain of having to compete with their total BFF and how sad they will be if Brad sends them home.

Brad takes the Ashleys to the always awkward threesome dinner date. Perhaps it was clever editing, but it appeared that he cut right to the chase and told Ashley S. that he didn’t think they were husband and wife material because something was missing.

It’s called her late 20s Brad. That’s what’s missing.

He asks Ashley H. to accept his rose. She does. She kisses the bud and gives a generous head nod in the direction of the fetus. Live long and prosper Ashley S.

Ashley S: “I can remember when I go the first impression rose. How can I be going home so soon?”

[Cut to scary guy in black taking Ashley S.’s hot pink luggage away.]

Ashley S: “Finding love is important to me. What’s wrong with me?”

[Ashley cries ugly tears. Cut to Brad and other Ashley getting ready for their Elvis debut. They share a dressing room.]

Ashley S: “The last couple of years have been so hard.”
Lincee: I get it. When I graduated college, my senior exams were super hard. And you have to leave your friends and get a job and join the real world. It sucks!

[Cut to Brad dressed in an Army outfit. He looks like an anatomically ambiguous Ken Doll in drag. I’m going to let you read that sentence again.]

Ashley S: “whah, whah, whah, whah, whah, whah, whah, whah, whah, whah…”
Lincee: I don’t know what she was saying because as I mentioned before, I refuse to translate grown women speaking toddler.

[Cut to Gary the camera guy accidentally getting a shot of Brad’s ambiguous package area followed by a pan of him holding triumphant Ashley's hand. The ABC psychotherapist has asked Ashley S. to just sit and look rejected as Elvis croons “Are You Lonesome Tonight.” The scene bounces back and forth between the couple in love and the lonesome girl in the back of the limo. Lincee virtually high fives the network for such great TV.]

Therapy Time with Dr. Jaime!

Seriously. How is this Chach getting more screen time than Harrison?

Brad: “My initial reaction is to shut off and not hurt anyone.”
DJ: “You’re loyalty is to the mission. I had them put you in camo for a reason Brad. Be all that you can be.”

Brad: “But everyone is crying because I’m kissing all the girls. I’m confused.”
DJ: “You are all on a journey Brad. INDIVIDUAL journeys. You are going to get to deep places with these women.”

Brad: “You mean that ‘end with a bang’ date? Dude. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.”
DJ: “No, no Brad. You have to get vulnerable. You already have the strength. They can co-exist.”

Brad checked out of the conversation about five minutes ago. So did I. I was mesmerized by his beautiful baby blues. The good doctor goes on to mention trust five times, experience a few more and ends with an inspiration quote that was not inspiring enough to write down in my notes.

Rose Ceremony

The ladies gather around the den area of the suite asking if anyone is confident. The brunette girl you don’t know named Marissa says something I’m sure was profound. Brad walks in, pleases and thanks the ladies and then pulls Chantal aside for some alone time. He tells the camera that he saw a side of Chantal the night before that he had never seen…DRAMA.

MAYDAY, MAYDAY CHANTAL! PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION!

Chantal decides the best way to show Brad her feelings is by complaining to him that all the girls on the group date thought that it was the Brad and Emily show. Brad reminds Emily that the ABC producers are heartless, shells of human beings and he needed to comfort a woman he unintentionally hurt. Chantal sort of gets the message and slaps him in the face. That’s “their” thing.

Brad heads over to Alli, armed with some chocolate cake thing the ABC intern fetched from the hotel gift shop. He said that he wanted to make her feel special, adding that the green adornment on the little cake reminded him of the first time they met…when she had on a fabulous green dress.

We’re on to you Brad. We all remember Alli’s boobs were spilling from said green dress. How could any of us forget?

The brunette who you can’t remember named Marissa dives in for her last attempt at 15 minutes of fame. She writes Brad a letter. On 18 pages of her spiral-bound notebook. Front and back. Seeing that Brad didn’t read beyond, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” I highly doubt that folded 8th-grade note with the “pull” tab ever made it out of his breast pocket. A for effort Marissa.

Look! I remembered her name!

Michelle puts a choke collar on our Bachelor and leads him to an undisclosed room. She shuts the door, shoves him in a chair and commands that he doesn’t speak.

Brad: “You sure are strong for such a small woman.”
Michelle: “You have big decisions to make. You need someone who appreciates you.”

Brad: “Well thank you, but I’m a bit scared right now, so I’ll just be…”
Michelle: “I SAID NO TALKING.”

Brad: “Mesnick was telling me about this at a Bachelor reunion once. I just think if we established a safe word, I might feel more comfortable…”
Michelle: “ZIP IT. These girls do not realize what’s standing right in front of them. I’m different. I appreciate you. Now go send some girls home. The next time we are together, you can talk.”

Who agrees that we were one “the Xerox machine is broken in the middle of the night” storyline away from Cinemax after dark? Geez. Kudos to ABC for convincing Michelle to leave the leather whip and feather apparatus back at the hotel.

Michelle stalks out of the room looking confident, even without her dominatrix outfit. Brad looks dazed and confused. Our Host clinks the champagne flute. He’s livid that no one told him he and Brad were in matching suits. Someone’s head is going to roll tonight.

Shawntel, Emily and the only Ashley are joined by:
Michelle
Alli
Britt
Jackie
Chantal

The curly haired girl acts like it’s the end of the world. I’m sure she was upset that she wore pale pink nail polish with a hot pink dress. Marissa doesn’t understand why her note didn’t result in a rose. Bless her heart.

Next week, in the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever, Brad will be taking the ladies to Costa Rica where they will find love on a zip line.

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

89 Responses to “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for STDs.”

  1. Pat says:

    I’m curious to know what people think about Michelle getting the first rose and Chantel the last? Is it reverse order as to who he really likes the most? Totally random? Clever editing?

    And despite a clearly unhinged Michelle, Brad is what? intrigued? turned-on? secretly into S&M? If any of the above, then he’s a WEIRDO! No sane or even dare I say desirable man would put up with that crap for one second!

    The other possibility is that the producers scripted the whole thing, in which case, the show has totally jumped the shark and is unredeemable. I think I would have to finally give it up. Please help me understand this really bizarro behavior of both Michelle and Brad. Is there any shred of truth to anything that happens on the show?

  2. Northern Girl says:

    Thanks for the recap, Lincee. Your take on the show is always better than the actual show!
    I agree, I wish they would include more giggly, “real” Brad. The dragged out convo with the therapist was RIDICULOUS! Come on ABC, I want to see the girls being ridiculous back at the hotel. I read a bunch of them went and got tattoos… where was that?
    The previews are making me wonder if Emily pulls out at some point… Brad was clearly crying a miserable cry will hugging a very blonde blonde. I hope I am wrong b/c she is my fave. But if they do end up together, I hope that it is Emily that walks away. No one wants to see her get dumped!

  3. KLou says:

    “Dance your cares away…worry’s for another day. Let the music play…down in Fraggle Rock, down in Fraggle Rock!” Sorry…had to go there. Best part of the recap was the Fraggle Rock shoes!

  4. Marybelle says:

    Ok, Emily admitted a few times she has dated other people and that she has been to NASCAR tracks since RIcky’s death so I don’t know why ABC was making it seem like she had never seen a race track since. She said she was just tired of it over-shadowing every aspect of her life and frankly if I were her, I would be pissed and I agree.

    ABC that was sleazy and gross. She prob mentioned something along those lines in her interview tape and they were like DRAMA!

    I mean this season is just TOO much. FIrst cray cray Michelle, then a funeral director, a vampire, now milking nad abusing all this father drama and then the Emily stuff. And Emily actually seems level headed – like in the previews QUESTIONING if she should let some weirdo bachelor meet her child on national TV after knowing him for like a month. Um, yeah – that is NORMAL.

    I hope she isn’t the next bachelorette. She seems like she has too much self-respect for that, but who knows…. once the fame bug bites them it all goes down hill.

  5. canuckgirl says:

    I’m confused on one thing – I could have sworn that Emily said her fiance died in a plane crash and never got to the track that day….now we hear he died in a car crash at the track….what the heck?

  6. twinmama says:

    Oh. My. Goodness.” pulled a fedotowsky “was my fave line

  7. Darryl says:

    I think they meant this was the race track that caused Ricky to retire. I was confused but my wife set me straight. Otherwise the plane crash was a big lie.

  8. Wicked Girl says:

    As I wait for THE BLIZZARD OF 2011 to hit Chicago, I get to entertain myself with all that is the Bach.

    Fave lines:
    Welcome to our world EVERY WEEK Chantal.

    It’s called her late 20s Brad. That’s what’s missing.

    He looks like an anatomically ambiguous Ken Doll in drag.

    Dying….

    Emily’s late fiance had a crash on the racetrack that ended his career. He died in a plane crash. Supposedly (according to OHCH) they planned all these things out before the girls were picked. Riiiiiight.

  9. tlew says:

    My favs:

    off-the-shoulder hot pink Flashdance top. What a feeling indeed.

    I’m going to let you read that sentence again.]

    Michelle puts a choke collar on our Bachelor

    Also, from what I understand – the fiance (as a driver) had a bad car wreck on that track, but did not die. He then became a car owner and was travelling to a race (to watch, not drive) on a plane when it went down – then he died.

    Thank you Lincee!
    T

  10. Natty from Oz says:

    HIL-A-RIOUS!

    Was so bored I started doing crunches!! bwahahahahahah

    Brad was on The Soup on Friday he was kinda awkward but cute and funny, not Bachelor date awkward lol

  11. Michele L says:

    “They both scream and laugh when the champagne cork mysteriously pops by the ghost of Shawntel’s last embalming patient.” – I actually coughed on my drink as I couldn’t help but laugh – ROCK ON!

    Ricki’s driving career ended on the Vegas track. He became an owner (of a race car – I assume that’s what that meant when Emily said that to Brad – so still involved in Nascar). He was on his way to a race when the plane crashed.

  12. Niki says:

    I always giggle at your witty remarks, but today you made me laugh out loud for an awkward amount of time (how does one explain that to co-workers?)

    “He looks like an anatomically ambiguous Ken Doll in drag. I’m going to let you read that sentence again”

    and thank you for giving me time to read it again!

    Interested to see what Michelle has to say for herself on the Women Tell All. Lord please let her be there, and not in the final 2 or it will be like Andrew Firestone’s season all over again with a TERRIBLE girl making it to final 2. There is no amount of splicing and editing that could make her look that crazy if she isn’t t truly that crazy!

  13. Your characterization of Dr. Jamie as a chach was spot on. You forgot to mention how hot Emily is though. DP

  14. TXtoNC says:

    Was Emily wearing her old engagement ring? That is what it looks like. Honestly I do not think she is over him.

  15. Kristin says:

    I did read the “antaomically ambiguous” line several times and lol’d each time.

    Since this is apparently the Fear Factor season, I laughed when Ashley S., said, “I hope we won’t have to do that (Cirque de Soleil) because my body won’t stretch like that.” Girl, don’t you know by now not to say what you are afraid of doing?

    Hated Michelle and the dominatrix scene. Does she remind anyone else of Mr. Shuester’s wife on Glee?

  16. Hayley says:

    I think this is one of your best recaps…honestly, you got some good material out of a horribly boring episode last night. I struggled to recap it on my own blog…

  17. Juno says:

    Emily’s fiance, Ricky Hendrick part of the Hendrick family operation, which is HUGE in NASCAR. If you google the family (as I did, which I fully acknowledge is as sick as actually watching this show with near religious fervor every week), you will also learn that the hospital at which Emily is an event planner was endowed with a ginormous contribution from Ricky Hendrick’s family, who have a pavilion or pavilions named after them.

    I adore Emily, and I believe she is ready to move on. I just don’t see Brad being the right guy for her.

  18. baseballmama says:

    I know Brad doesn’t plan the dates but the whole he didn’t know about Emily’s fiance was a crock. I went back and watched the date where she told him and she said he was a race car driver. Im going to have to go back and watch last nights show again, I missed alot. We were in a blizzard warning and I was trying to make food before we lost power. But since we still have power I can rewatch tonight.
    my favorite lincee was Ashley missing something her late twenties. LOL Quite an age difference there Brad
    I hate the stupid therapist. And now Im not thrilled with OHCH, planned in advance? No I don’t think so and not thrilled that he thinks the viewers are that stupid.

  19. beanhead says:

    Lincee – I don’t know what is this season, but I feel like you’re funnier than ever. Keep it flowin.

    I seriously fell off my chair reading this line…..

    Brad checked out of the conversation about five minutes ago. So did I. I was mesmerized by his beautiful baby blues……..

    I thought the exact same thing. What a snoozefest. The therapist needs to go. Do you think he’ll be next to him at the home depot podium at the end for support? Maybe he’ll be the best man at Brad’s wedding?

    I love Emily, but she reminds me a little of Jake when he was on the bachelorette with Jillian…. a little too perfect and flawless…..sorry Em, but you need to step it up in the personality department. However, Brad hasn’t said one funny thing to impress me as far as having a sense of humor. All he talks about is their relationships. Mad props Shawntel (funeral director) for discussing something other than their relationship!!!

    Lastly, I was so uncomfortable watching Michelle pull Brad into the other room. Was that real? Great call with xerox line Lincee. She is the ultimate worst girl ever, she has got to be acting the way she is to get into entertainment biz because if not she’s mental. So far the attention is favoring her. I hope not much longer, it’s painful.

  20. Rena says:

    Just a few of my fav lines:

    In his best Oprah voice, Brad says, “THIS IS YOURS. THIS IS YOURS. THIS IS YOURS” as he loads Shawntel up like a pack mule in Guadalajara.

    They both scream and laugh when the champagne cork mysteriously pops by the ghost of Shawntel’s last embalming patient.

    Knowing that the weak wait for opportunities and the strong take them, Michelle decides to whisk Brad away and fill him back up with her hot air.

    Not the “big bang” Shawntel was hoping for, but she’ll take it.

    Lincee: You’re right Emily. The PRODUCERS are heartless, shells of a human being.

    [Cut to Brad dressed in an Army outfit. He looks like an anatomically ambiguous Ken Doll in drag. I’m going to let you read that sentence again.]

    That last one was my fav!!!! I have nothing else to say! You said it all!

    You rock!

  21. Brandy says:

    Lincee you are too funny! You managed to take a very boring episode and turn it into something hilarious!

    I totally agree on the Ken Doll in drag. You are right – he was so stiff and a bit creepy looking in all that makeup.

    I was also cracking up when you said you were mesmerized by his blue eyes when he was on the phone with Dr. Jamie. I am totally embarrassed to admit that I actually rewound and paused my DVR a couple of times to stare a bit longer at the blues. I think I might need an intervention.

    Also, is it wrong that, when I visit Vegas in a few months, I kinda want to go to that Elvis Cirque show after seeing it on the show last night?

    Told you I need an intervention! :)

  22. Adrienne says:

    I could not believe they included that staged phone call with the therapist! It was terribly embarrassing to watch. Ugh, the guy gives me the creeps.

    ABC knows what makes good, or at least controversial, TV. There’s no way that the racing date with poor Emily was a coincidence. It was totally contrived. Here you have a woman whose deceased fiancé just happened to be a NASCAR driver whose career-ending race occurred at the very track where she’s on a group date on prime time television? Come on.

    Honestly, I’m kind of surprised Emily even agreed to be on this show. She seems far too level-headed and mature for this hormone circus.

  23. Jess says:

    My favorite line:

    “Mesnick was telling me about this at a Bachelor reunion once. I just think if we established a safe word, I might feel more comfortable…”

    Pineapple!

    I think Britt and Chantal go far. I want to be firends with Emily (love her!) but I think she’s the one who says she can’t love Brad back.

  24. Ann says:

    Wow, this is a boring season. If it weren’t for this blog, I think I would have given up after about the 2nd episode. The therapy thing is getting so old and the re-hashing of Brad’s “issues” is done, folks. There is nothing new to contemplate.

    But, speaking of therapy, I do think the producers are sadists. So far, we’ve had a girl who’s deathly afraid of heights go up in a helicopter; a girl who’s terrified of deep water do deep-sea (sort of) diving; and poor Emily (whose fiance was both a race car driver and someone who died in the crash of a small airplane) be required to both drive a race car and fly in a small plane. One incident – coincidence; two – um, maybe. Three – twisted minds. Probably that creepy Mike producer person’s ideas.

    Also, Michelle is crazy, but not crazy enough to carry the whole load of crazy for the entire season to maintain the interest. Usually, there is more than one crazy girl – carrying that all by herself is just too much.

    I think even OHCH is bored – I’m surprised no one commented on the scene in which he kind of dragged/slouched in wearing kind of a grandpa gray sweater, shirttail hanging out. Just looked like he didn’t care at all. And then last night, did anyone else notice that even his “ladies, the final rose tonight” scene was severely edited? He sort of apparated into the scene and then in about 3 more frames, he was gone! Did he even “ding” the champagne glass?

    A very disappointing season, indeed. Only Lincee is keeping me going. (That, and I’m in a group playing “Fantasy Bachelor,” but I think I’m already doomed.) Sorry this is so long, but it’s my only comment for the season and I’m now retreating into my boredom to wait for bright-spot Lincee.

  25. Natty from Oz says:

    When’s the controversy going to start???? Think the fault of this season is picking a boring, bland Bachelor with boring, bland issues.

    Nearly all the kisses last night were initiated by the women so he’s still got major boudary issues!

    Great to see Ashley H soooooo devasted at her bestie’s departure..took her all of what…10 seconds to go in for the pash!

    And guess big tall boys aren’t all in proportion if you get my meaning bwahahahah

    Apparently RS is predicting MAJOR stuff coming out about the contestants that’s going to the biggest
    controversial stuff EVER…bloody well hope so cos this season is a snooze fest!

  26. Natty from Oz says:

    er boundary issues!

  27. Kat says:

    I DVR this train wreck every week and I can breeze through each episode in less than an hour just by cutting commercials, recaps, crying jags, deep conversations and the therapy sessions.

    I just love Emily, I do.

    Loved that when Britt recieved her rose, as she walked up to get it, the camera cut to the curly-haired girl whose name I can’t remember and Britt was still standing behind her. LOL. Talk about bad editing.

  28. HayleyHB says:

    Kudos to Emily for pointing out that – maybe the reason he’s been in love more than once is because he’s twice her age! Ok almost.

  29. Kristin says:

    Have you ever wondered why the girls who seem to not even know the Bachelor still manage to ugly-cry when they don’t get a rose? I’m starting to wonder if they get them really liquored up so they’ll cry a lot more. I mean, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t cry over a guy that I only talked to a handful of times…but that’s just me.

  30. Marus says:

    I have liked Shawntel since i found out what she did. I know two funeral directors and they are awesome people, but was also so excited to see a profession that wasn’t communications/marketing/BS like so many others are.

    Emily actually seems really grounded and sweet and normal… but yeah, I don’t see her with Brad.

    And even though it felt like Brad dropped kicked a kitten when he sent Nanny Ashley home, i LOVED this line, Lincee:
    It’s called her late 20s Brad. That’s what’s missing.

    I am getting really sick of Brad freaking out when he learns that these women have only been in love once, etc. BRAD – they are in their early 20s, and unlike you, this is their first reality dating show… stop freaking out about stupid stuff.

    Also – it better be editing that made it look like he was upset that Emily won’t introduce him to her daughter when he’s still dating NINE OTHER WOMEN.. Dude, that’s rational and reasonable. Michelle’s daughter, on the other hand, will probably be wearing a junior bridesmaid dress.

  31. Anne says:

    Awesome recap! Was an incredibly boring episode to me. All I remember are the two longest segments in Bachelor history – Dr. Chach spewing his night-school Psychology mumbo jumbo and then the Lonely Tonight song. That went on. And on. AND ON. We get it! She’s lonely!!

    This line started out funny but got funnier every time I read it, to the point where I was snort-laughing over it:

    They both scream and laugh when the champagne cork mysteriously pops by the ghost of Shawntel’s last embalming patient.

  32. Betty says:

    I feel like we all have trouble making witty comments ourselves from this season it is so boring… don’t think we don’t still have mad love for you Lincee- of course we do!

    The issue is, outside of Emily I just don’t “love” any of these girls, and I love Emily but am waiting for her to realize she can do WAY better than this vavpid space above hot abs.

    So I don’t love anyone else, not like I did the last two seasons… and I dislike Michelle but my dislike doesn’t go as deep as it did with Vienna (maybe it is because she lacks the lazy eye).

    Does anyone else find Ashley H annoying? From the “scenes from the most controversal season ever” show that Ashley H and Chantal make it far I think. I think I could love Jackie but she gets 10 seconds of air time an episode.

    Hope all my chicago friends are enjoying this big snowfall! Lincee- I am hanging on to this season because of you!

  33. JennyToo says:

    Wow! I won the limerick contest!

    I know all you other GIRLS are totally jealous, but really…that pink autographed book bag needs a WOMAN. I just can’t see it with anyone but me.

    You may talk now.

    Thanks to Lincee and Lincee’s friends!

  34. Betty says:

    and in case that comment read wrong…. the less witty comments was refering to my comments- you Lincee are always witty- I love it!

    ps- OHCH was good enough for Ali- when did Brad get too good for some good ol’ Harrison advice?? This celeb doc is terrible. Make it stop!!

  35. Allison says:

    I do like Emily but her teeth are uncomfortably perfect. I can’t help but not stare at them. It almost seems like they don’t fit in her mouth. Kudos to him for asking crazy Michelle what makes her such an authority on what kind of girl is right for him during next weeks preview,

  36. JenKC says:

    ABC is gearing up for Emily as the next Bachelorette…book it.

  37. sugar says:

    OK, this is my first time reading into the comments section this year so I apologize if I’m repeating a comment and stealing someone else’s thunder!

    I felt ‘hairstylist’ Michelle is way too cra cra and just has to be a plant or trying to be an actress…so I had to do some detective work. Turns out, she as a movie coming out this month and has done some other acting.
    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2873908/
    I predict she’s gone next week or definitely in 2 weeks. Brad’s probably not aware of the acting, but I’m sure her being on the show had something to do with her agent and/or ABC putting her there.

    Also, if you search ‘Ricky and Emily!’ on YouTube, you’ll find a montage of the couple. Kinda weird that someone put someone’s personal pictures out there for the world to see. I just googled him, curious what he looked like, and it led me to that…
    I remember little girl Ricki from episode 1; she looks like her daddy. So sad.

  38. sugar says:

    **sad story. Not saying sad that she looks like her daddy. He was quite adorable himself.

  39. Lori from Tampa says:

    I loved how Shawntel got Brad to laugh and have fun versusjust being super serious like everyone else has been this season.

    I also like Chantal, but could tell she was hammered when she had her chat with him and slipped the “L” word. She was totally drunk. But, he’d been with Emily so much that date that the other girls had nothing better to do than drink. I’m not holding it against her.

    Speaking of Emily, she is really sweet and has been through an awful lot in her young life, but I don’t think she and Brad are a good match. And, I surely don’t see why Some Guy In Austin thinks she is as hot as he does (could he mention it ANY more? Bless his heart). Physically she looks so fake.

    Michelle is a nut job, and I feel confident that loads of editing is going on. She’s surely all about the fame.

    Lastly, I can’t help but find Alli’s giant teeth, Ashley H’s lip biting, and Britt’s super skinnyness (is that a word) remarkably distracting.

    Thanks Lincee…you are SO funny :)

  40. Mary says:

    Great recap!!!
    Loved it all! Some of my favorites… the missing the 20′s line (and the general notations of the youth on the show), not the “big bang” Shawntel was hoping for, but she’ll take it line and pointing out that Michelle’s little lap dance was a little too much like porn (of course, you said it MUCH CLASSIER!!!)!

  41. saggleo says:

    Lincee…girl you made this extremely winter crappy day awesomeness! I was cracking up on the crowded train reading your recap! You got major chops girlfriend! This can never get old…YOU ROCK!

    @Betty…no I am not enjoying this snow! At all!!! Nor the stupid drivers. Ugh…you’d think at the rate the snow is falling people wouldn’t ride your behind but NOOOOOO!

  42. Lori from Tampa says:

    One more thing, did anyone else notice that the dress Emily wore at the rose ceremony looked like the one Ashley H wore on the two on one date? I deleted my recording before I went back and checked. Interesting if so.

  43. Kelly H says:

    Lori from Tampa,
    My friend I was watching with made the same comment about the dress. Since those women, have to bring all the clothing for those many many weeks, I wouldn’t be surprised if they share their stuff. (hopefully washing it first!).

  44. k says:

    I love Emily, but does anyone think she reminds you of a young Dolly Parton? Minus the boobs. I also think she is ready to move on, but not to Brad.

    Does anyone else see how Brad is stilllllllll a player and will continue to date ‘bad girls.’ He is no where near ready for a nice normal girl. Just makes for good TV I guess!

  45. BA says:

    Lori from Tampa and Kelly H,
    In one of OHCH blogs on EW.com, he said that the girls will often share dresses. I have always looked to see any repeats but I guess I am not looking closely enough! I do often try to figure out whose dress would fit on whom… Fun game!

  46. Diane says:

    Loved the shout-out to Friends. “18 pages. Front and back.”

  47. lea says:

    jennytoo you are hilarious! not only loved your limerick but also your comment about this week’s episode.

  48. Julie says:

    I love Michelle because she is batshit crazy. But she’s entertaining, so it evens out.

    Anyone know what the tattoo on the inside of Emily’s wrist is? It’s a roman numeral I believe, and I’m guessing maybe the number of Ricky’s race car?

  49. Cosmo says:

    Loved the recap…especially the “welcome to our world CHantal”. Definitely hit the nail on the head with that one.

    Michelle and Vampire girl are both true actresses. They have both been in several TV shows and have a movie or two under their belts as well.

    I read OHCH’s blog and he said that Brad slipped Marissa a note on her way out. According to OHCH, it was very sweet :)

    I love Emily, but when they show the “coming up” trailer, it looks like she leaves or he sends her home at some point. There is a scene that shows him bawling while hugging a long-haired, bleached blonde (obviously Em and not Britt). Looks like they are in a tropical location?? Anyway, just an observation.

  50. Cosmo says:

    Julie, Did you know she had an affair with a married basketball player just two years ago?? Not just any basketball player, but Carlos Boozer…the one whose first born child almost didn’t survive. So he was having an affair with Michelle while his wife was in Florida raising their children. Yeah, she’s a real winner!

  51. Krissy says:

    I’m thinking this has been addressed before – and if it has I apologize – but according to another (spoilery) recap website there’s a reason that there are so many Pretty Woman-esque dates this season.

    Funny note on the therapist — Reality Steve found the guy’s IMDb page. It turns out, British therapist Dr. Jaime Greene (if he really is a doctor… ) is the former drummer from Go West. Remember them from “King of Wishful Thinking,” the song that played in Pretty Woman? Hysterical!

    I don’t know about you – but this makes him all the more credible in my book.

  52. dancingqueen says:

    Lori from Tampa-I am so glad you said some of the things I have been thinking. Britt is Waaay too skinny and Emily’s teeth do not fit in her mouth.

    I hate to say this because so many like Emily but at one point when she was sitting on the grass with Brad, she was trying to fit her lips back over her teeth. She looked liked she was trying to clean her teeth with her tongue. It was just weird and uncomfortable for me to watch.

    And although I felt sorry for Emily at first, I am quickly tiring of her whole story line. She herself said she doesn’t want it to keep being an issue in her life. So ABC please stop with that and the therapy!! I too checked out of that conversation and was mesmerized by Brad’s deep blue eyes. They are amazing even if the rest of him is dull.

    Also, is it a requirement for all the men on this show and past to say “with that being said”. It drives me crazy as does Brad saying HEllo.

    One last thing-I really liked Shawntel this week.

  53. Me says:

    For those of you who think the Emily story is staged, it’s not. After Ricky died, she applied for an events planning job at Vanderbilt hospital in Nashville, TN. They offered her the job, but she declined and told them she was going to stay in Charlotte and work for a hospital there where his family had given a large donation in his name. The crash on the Vegas track caused him to retire from racing, but then he became an owner and died in the plane on the way to a race.

  54. Abby says:

    I’m saying it now, if Brad doesn’t choose Emily, she WILL be the next bachelorette.

    If i have to sit through one more “therapy” session I’m going to scream. Those convos are what OHCH is for!

  55. Deb says:

    Got my boyfriend to sit through Monday’s episode, which was nice since he is not a fan of TV to begin with, especially “reality” TV. He had never seen an episode of the show, so I convinced him he would really like it :-) His comment when Michelle straddled and scared Brad? “If he picks her, he might as well just check his d*** at the door”. Just thought I’d share..

  56. Julie says:

    @Cosmo….yes, I heard that. I lost my husband to a cheating tramp like that, so I’m never a fan of the “other woman” on TV or in real life. Don’t get me wrong, MIchelle and I would never have a drink together, but I just find her desperation and delusion entertaining on this show….

  57. s2c says:

    Emily is beautiful etc but i liked her the best when she and Brad were talking about how many times they had been in love and he said he had been in love more than one time (as opposed to her once) and she said, “well yours a little bit older than me, m’dear”.

    He is a “little bit older” than almost all of them!

  58. saggleo says:

    Off topic…a little….Once Bitten is on the Retro channel!! If you need a vampire fix from the old days. “once bitten…he belongs to me..once bitten….” LOL

  59. holly go lightly says:

    My favorite part was realizing Brad looked like GI Joe flying around with
    the Ashley who remained. I’ve heard over the years that GI J was on the downlow. Surely, not our Brad however.

  60. Juno says:

    Does this mean that now Brad can stop calling her “Ashley H”? Or will that forever be her name?

  61. Juno says:

    I mean, now that there is no longer an “Ashley S.”

  62. Lincee….

    You crack me up as always! You are an inspiration to fellow writers! And good call that Brad was using his “Oprah” voice… Hilar!!

    Love,
    your “1,5000 Facebook Friend” and fellow lover of all things Disney, Kristi Malone :)
    http://sprinklesonmystilettos.wordpress.com/

  63. pink says:

    ‘cuse if this has been mentioned ………………….When Shawntel flippantly said, “$5,000″ sort of blowing off the price of the purse – she lost my respect.

    Brad is a Super Stiff GI Joe Tool.

    Michelle cracks me up b/c Brad has no clue how to handle this WOMAN.

    Chantel is a closet snot and a fake – but the camera loves her.

    This season is TOTALLY BORING.

    I also hope Emily is NOT the next Bachlorette – she should stay home and raise her daughter – oh yes – and use her time well polishing her jewelry! Did you see those rings??????

  64. Natty from Oz says:

    Cosmo apparently it’s Brad’s sister in law….cos he’s torn between 2 or 3 or 10 hahahahaha

  65. Natty from Oz says:

    On the therapy thing….if the LA therapist couldn’t be in Vegas why wasn’t his Austin therapist on the phone advising Brad there??? Or has Brad formed an unbreakable bond with curly top indertiminate accent over the past 4 weeks?

    Sheesh!

    Do NOT tell me ABC are setting up this guy for his own show!

    Cynical??? Who, me?????

  66. Jean says:

    On the plus side, if Brad chooses Michelle, he won’t need his therapist any more. She’ll take care of all his decisions.

  67. Bailey says:

    I love that you pointed out the “pleases” and “thank yous.” I’m from Texas and we are all about the manners, but geez!! The politeness is almost awkward!

  68. Courtney says:

    What happened to ABC posting the ages next to the names and professions….??? That was always entertaining. Expecially when we had a ?? a few seasons back. I’d be curious to know how young he actually likes the girls to be….

  69. Ruthie says:

    BRAD IS SO BORING. BRAD IS SO BORING. BRAD IS SO BORING. BRAD IS SO BORING. BRAD IS SO BORING.

    I actually had MORE fun typing that than I did watching the show!!!

    LINCEE! Your shout out about Prince Lorenzo in your vlog was AMAZING!!!! In hindsight, Lorenzo was more exciting than Brad. At least he lived in a castle.

  70. Reno says:

    Jean, therapist comment, LOL!
    Lincee, my faves:
    Shawntel: “No. It’s about my profession.”
    Brad: “Does it involve a pole and/or a chain that when you pull it, water comes from the ceiling?”
    and
    Note to reader: Harrison would never rhyme. Gangster rap…yes, but that’s different.

  71. Sweet Caroline says:

    Brad dangling from wires in military fatigues, not a good look for him.

  72. Jenna says:

    Courtney – I read on Harrison’s blog that next week they’ll start reinstating the women’s ages.

  73. KTV says:

    I say, if Emily is not with Brad, she should hook up with Chris from Ali’s season STAT! They would be adorable together :-)

  74. dancingqueen says:

    May I PLEASE say something. Thank you SO MUCH. In the past, this blog has had hundreds of comments posted by Lincee’s readers. However, because this season is soooo boring, there is not much to comment on AT ALL and it shows. I TRULY BELIEVE this. I REALLY DO. Thanks So Much. With That Being Said, I’m outta here.

  75. beanhead says:

    Cosmo – I think it might be Britt. The back of the girl’s hair they showed was streaky and straight….not a pretty as emily’s. I feel like they did that on purpose to trick us.

  76. Bays says:

    Emily is a class act, and gorgeous, and her smile is too. He should just send them all home, except Emily. Do something crazy, not the annoying I dont know who I’m going to pick ordeal at the end. Also, why cant there be 3 or 4 bachelors in one season spread the chance of there really being a love match. For girls like Michelle, she would haven’t so much time to obsess on one bachelor, she’d have 3 to divide her time over.

  77. morganbrittany says:

    how great was the OHCH line before the rose ceramony: ” You know I hate to break up a party. and I definitely hate to break up a party in Vegas.”
    I mean I do LOVE chris harrison!

  78. Yup says:

    The flip flops with the little black dress had me at hello.

    The hubs and I thought Blah Blah Brad was laughing AT the funeral director job. Not cool.

    I like how the other girls throw themself at Brad and Emily plays it cool and hangs back and he can’t get enough of her. Take a lesson, little ho’s. he he.

  79. Sarah says:

    Is anyone else having trouble viewing this recap? I see the poem and then a line that says “Now on with the recap….” and there’s no recap below. I’m confused.

  80. Sarah says:

    and now the recap appears. never mind!

  81. Amye says:

    Having trouble viewing the recap. I see a line that says “Now on with the recap….” but there’s no recap below. Did I miss my chance to read it?

  82. chris says:

    I keep hoping he boots Chantal so I can move to Seattle and act like I’m going to buy a car for weeks on end. I’d marry that girl in a second. Beautiful yet normal.

  83. YoJenBabe says:

    Lincee!!! A Friends reference! You just earned even MORE of my respect!
    “She writes Brad a letter. On 18 pages of her spiral-bound notebook. Front and back.”

  84. brkylnbkgrl says:

    I put my money on Ashley S. as the next bachelorette. She didn’t make it very far, but she fits the bill: cute, spunky, charismatic, not a nut job, and she’s never found the right guy as they emphasized rather emphatically during her departure scene.

    Emily would be great as the next bachelorette, of course, but I don’t see her signing on for it.

  85. Marus says:

    Alli: You know, it’s hard, because someone can be such a great person and you know they’ll be great for someone, but just not you.
    Brad: Yeah. I know what you mean.

    …..

    AWKward!

  86. Marus says:

    also? which of the ladies was giving french braid lessons this week? because they’re all looking pretty similar…

  87. saggleo says:

    Was it just me or did Chantal look like she belong to the Flintstones in that outfit at the rose ceremony? LOL Wilma and Pebbles come to mind. lol

  88. Perth office chair…

    [...]What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for STDs. | ihategreenbeans.com – The blog of Lincee Ray[...]…

  89. Hilaria Frewing says:

    Great blog! Sorry to get off subject, but I recently had some hail damage to my house, so i’m looking for a great roofing company in Nashville. Have you heard of any good ones? There’s a roofing company in Hendersonville, right outside of Nashville, called AE Roofing & Exteriors who could be good, but I’ve only seen a few reviews. Here’s the address of these Nashville roofers, 108 Midtown Court #203 Hendersonville, TN 37075 (615) 431-2283. Thoughts? Thanks!


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