Yesterday was a torrential downpour in Houston. It literally rained all day long. You can imagine how hard it was to drag myself out of bed to go to work. Gentle thunder, occasional lightning, and the sound of rain hitting the pane of my window. But there was one thing that ruined it all…
It was my third time to hit snooze when I heard this slow talking valley girl rambling on about like princesses, and like tiaras and like people who didn’t go to college. At first I thought it was a dream—a nightmare. But the voices didn’t go away.
It was Socialite Erica with 97,000 watts behind her on Mix 96.5 with Sam Malone in the Morning.
Don’t ask me about the interview. I was in a panic. Two fears immediately ran through my very morning groggy head at warp speed:
A: Had I taken this recap thing too far and was now dreaming about the Bachelor?
B: Was I going insane and hearing voices?
Once realizing that I was indeed sane and actually hearing Socialite’s voice, I frantically worked through the disheveled covers to turn the alarm off.
What a way to start the morning. There’s nothing like beginning the day with the whining of our great City’s self-proclaimed socialite.
Little did I know that later that night, ABC would bring us the best episode of The Bachelor ever to air in the show’s history. Long live the Chach.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Right off the bat, our host Chris Harrison gives us a quick recap of the previous week. He gives us the song and dance about how there are only a few girls left who have the chance to make their fairy tale come true…blah blah blah. In true dramatic fashion, he ends the montage with the scene in which Erica gets her rose. As if to say, “Yes America…she got a rose. You just wait. It’s worth it.”
And of course, ABC did not let me down. It’s as if they have thrown all class to the wind and are embracing any preposterous idea suggested out in the writing room that would have never been considered in seasons before.
I imagine it going this way:
ABC Writing Team
Borghese Conference Room
Writer 1: “Guys…guys! We’ve got to think of something. It’s time to figure out who gets the next one-on-one date with Renzy. What are we going to do?”
Writer 2: “I know! We can fly in Renzy’s best friend from New Jersey and have HIM pick the girl based on questions we come up with! Like what is your favorite color? It’s the only way to know for sure if there is going to be a match.”
Writer 3: “C’mon…we’ve done that before. Let’s think of something new.”
Writer 1: “How about we make them take a compatibility test and THAT person will get to go!”
Writer 2: “Dude…I refuse to rip-off E-harmony. Try again.”
Intern: “Why don’t we have them sing an aria in Italian?”
Writers 1, 2, 3: “BRILLIANT! Go fetch us an opera singer. Quickly intern, quickly!”
The intern rushes off and grabs the first woman he sees singing for money at the Borghese Fountain in front of the Borghese Park. She runs the girls through some voice exercises and has each one sing.
Sometimes I can still hear the screeching in my head. Except for Jeanette. That was more croaking.
I was almost distracted by the fact that half of the girls had on evening cocktail dresses while the others had on camo, when the homeless opera woman chooses Jami as the winner.
A Night at the Opera
For the first time in a long time, I actually watched the show last night live. No Tivo. You can imagine how irritated I became when I accidentally changed the channel to TBS. They, of course, were showing Pretty Woman for the millionth time this month. It wasn’t until Prince Chach forgot to snap the diamond/ruby million dollar necklace lid on Jami’s white-gloved hand that I really paid attention and realized that this was not Vivian and Edward. Following ABC’s lead, I decided to embrace the Pretty Woman knock-off and secretly hoped that rocker chick Jami, in her red ball gown, would exclaim, “There’s a band!” when they got to the opera.
Jami is super stoked about her date. She’s never been to an opera before. Chach says that he is the luckiest guy in the world…he gets to drive along the countryside with a woman wearing two million dollars worth of jewelry.
Let’s stop right there and talk about context clues. Why would this make him lucky? Has he always wanted to drive jewelry around the countryside and this is a dream come true finally? Notice he didn’t use an adjective in front of Jami’s name. She wasn’t listed as a beautiful woman or righteous chick.
They get out of the Buick, Jami politely says, “Gratzee” to the door opener, and they enter into a lovely opera house that has been reserved only for them. Jami thinks this is un-believable. In fact, there were several things that Jami thought was un-believable. Do you know what I thought was un-believable? When Chach asks her to sing her aria…and she does. Un-believable.
Lord please don’t let her do it. I begged for her not to. I pleaded for her to graciously say no. My Texas girl gets up ON STAGE…not even at the dinner table, and belts out what can only be described as cat in pain. He lies and tells her that is the best thing he has ever heard and gives her props for humiliating herself on national TV.
At this point, I’m assuming there is some sort of bet going on among Chach, the intern and the camera guy. This was also the first time I had to pause live TV so I could emotionally pull myself together before moving on.
The Prince is in the middle of talking about how he is passionate about his family and friends when the curtain pulls apart and Random Opera Guy starts his aria. Good for Random Opera Guy for your 15 minutes of fame. I remember when Vanessa Williams did this a few years ago and now she is on Ugly Betty. You go Random Opera Guy. Too bad nobody said your name so we know who you are, but I’m sure you’ve had dozens of downloads on itunes this morning. Congratulations!
Chach and Jami start dancing and it is revealed to us that the Prince is not so sure he has a physical connection with her. The diamond/ruby necklace? Yes. The girl? Not so much.
He tells her that this is the most romantic evening of his life, but it was like dancing with his best friend. He wants to be honest. He can’t give her the rose. She appreciates the honesty. He will never forget this evening.
We see her two seconds later, sans diamond/ruby necklace, sniffing in her white gloves. She is shocked and disappointed. She felt so special and was sent packing. Moments later, the gloves are off, I’m assuming due to snot stains, and Jami tells the camera that she does not usually let her guard down and she is not the kind of girl to stand in the street crying. The ABC Psychotherapist crushes a Valium in her Fresca, cranks up the Lynard Skynard in the limo and bids her adios.
Prince Chach says he cares about her and if he gives her the rose, it would give her the wrong impression. What’s that sparkling thing glimmering under his shirt?
Lisa is too cool for school, claiming group dates are lame. Prince Chach encourages the girls to swirl, smell and drink the wine. Dez thanks him and tells him she feels like Princess.
It is when Jeanette and Chach wander through the vineyard, stealing grapes, when he realizes that she is something special. He tells the camera he is blown away by her honesty and that he has had the most meaningful conversation so far.
Later, they all meet by the pool in their matching black swimsuit cover ups, and cheer as our Prince descends the stairs. He asks if he is underdressed. My answer would be to take your board shorts back to Old Navy, but nobody asked me.
Sadie wraps herself in a ginormous towel to tell him about her V-card. He does all he can to muster up a solemn face, and confides that he is impressed with her values.
Chach then pulls Lisa away for some alone time. He tells her he had an amazing time at the park. She agrees. Chit chat. Chit chat.
Then it happens. My heart is racing fast right now just remember this moment as I write about it. My face is flushed. I’m shaking my head as I type.
Prince CHACH asks Lisa if he could kiss her. She said yes and then they do it. It wasn’t as bad as Agnes, but not all that great either. Then, they talk about how nice that 2.4 second kiss was. Then they talk about doing it again later.
Pausing live TV.
What? What am I watching? Is he 12-years-old? Did I miss something? Are we creating another movie moment again? Tom Hanks from Big maybe? I don’t get it. Did that conversation really just happen?
Seriously? That just happened. He asks permission to kiss. I guess that’s fine, but just go for it dude. And then to talk how nice that was? And to request permission again? Let’s hope the intern, who is probably getting more action than my boy Renzy, gives him some pointers later on.
Lisa looks down the eye of the camera with an evil gleam and says her plan is in motion.
Bikini time! Chicken fight! Blasphemy!
Cut to the group on Prince Chach’s bed. They are playing truth or dare. Classic…but dangerous. You can learn a lot from truth or dare. (And spin the bottle…or remote control…whatever the case may be.) Proceed with caution.
Question: Why in the world, on a show where you are basically competing for a Chach, would you dare someone ELSE to put a grape in THEIR mouth and feed it to the Chach? Answers? Anyone?
Dingbat Jennifer dares Dez to do this. As we remember, Dez is the frisky one who told our Chach that she wouldn’t mind getting it on in the Janitor’s closet of the Pet Spa back home in the States. Not a good choice Dingbat Jennifer.
Mute Gina finds her words and asks Dingbat Jennifer to belly shot what looked to be lemonade off of the Chach. And you KNOW there was a belly hair floating around in that shot. Vomit.
In an attempt to check if she is still in the running for a glass slipper, Sadie asks Prince which girls in the house he has kissed. Chach says he has kissed everyone on the cheek. Which is an entire Chach thing to say.
Timeline Lisa says that he did this to protect her and their future child.
The next morning, Jennifer and Chach bond on the balcony. She talks about how she fell in to teaching. She thinks it is very rewarding profession and he thinks it is so sweet. She feels a connection.
And another terrible kiss. Lord help us all get through this season.
Our crafty intern places the black silk pillow with the rose in the middle of the breakfast table, which I thought was awesome. Chach tells us that if he had six of them, I would give them to you all. Oh really? Jeanette gets the rose. Lisa is ready to shoot daggers. Sadie wonders if this is because of her Vcard situation.
Erica and Agnes
Big Date That Fell Through and
Ended Up Being Pizza in the Castle
Erica tells the camera that she gets along with Agnes because she speaks very slowly and in an Italian accent. She lets Agnes know that “We not be tired” and “We must look pretty for date” so they turn in early.
The next day, Chach’s Buick comes over to pick the girls up. They all hug each other bye as if they are BeFri’s. The Buick drops them off at the castle. Poor Erica’s extensions are getting a little knappy.
Plans fell through for the romantic two-on-one date, so he invites them in the castle for pizza. Since their party clothes are so binding, he invites them to wear anything in his closet. Because he is a size 6, this turns out perfect for Ag and Erica.
Our Prince pulls our Princess away for some private time, leaving Agnes, where else? On the bed eating her pizza.
Erica says that she doesn’t need the novelty of Rome…she is all about the Prince. She asks if he wants to know anything else. His reply? No.
ABC is salivating. Renzy is rushed off for his Italian tutorials and they quickly plop Erica down for an interview:
“Lorenzo is royalty…not a commoner…he definitely needs me because no one else could do the job. Agnes is like a gold digger…He can find a girl like Jen anywhere. A virgin like Sadie, okay maybe that is a little rare. And a girl like Lisa is just one notch up from that, but I am like seven notches up from that. At like 100. I am so in to Lorenzo and would like to get a rose and after that I would like him to stop being such a dumb ass and show some interest in me.”
I love Erica.
And now for a very important announcement
from our Prince Lorenzo Borghese:
“I like Agnes, but what I’m concerned about is the language barrier. In order to have a relationship, you have to communicate.”
[Insert Jim Halpert look from Lincee here.]
Both girls sit Indian style on the bed as he tells Erica she is bright and beautiful. (Huh?) He then asks Agnes to accept the rose. She swallows his non-existent upper lip, he mentally high-fives himself and then drags Erica downstairs.
She slowly finds her way down the marble staircase in Renzy’s best pink Polo shirt, babbling on about people judging people…the fact that Jami and Chach weren’t compatible…I was right…I told you so…how she’s bringing sexy back…I like dogs too…I already have my own tiara…people have been judging me my whole life and you know because Prince’s get judged and it is not fair.
He said that she was bi-polar.
It took the intern, our host Chris Harrison and the ABC Psychotherapist, but they rallied around to finally get Erica in the limo. Prince Chach is upset. Read the body language…crossed arms and stern face. Erica is still pleading her case through the two-inch crack in the back window. She is sorry he made a very bad mistake.
Gearing up for some serious “conversation,” our Prince heads up to the bedroom balcony and asks Agnes to watch the “lights of Rome” with him. She is aggressively trying to stick her tongue down his ear, but he is insistent that she maintains focus above the trees. Of course, she has no clue what he is saying, and it is obvious due to the fact that she almost had a heart attack when the fireworks go off. Cut to the girls back at home cracking open the champagne because the “luggage boy” took the drama queen’s stuff to the airport. (And for some reason, they get all excited about the distant fireworks…just as they did for the helicopter.) The ABC camera crew gets a behind shot of our Prince and Agnes while intern gestures for Chach to kiss her again with the fireworks behind. What pretty editing.
Back in the limo, Erica tells us that Lorenzo judged her because she’s pretty, popular and comes from the same background. “He just wants a Cinderella …
It’s a disgusting gross fairy tale…poor girl meets rich guy and they fall in love and live happily ever after. I’m so over that story.”
Sadie: Cute little Sadie…WARNING! That’s what you say about your friend’s kid sister. Ouch.
Lisa: tick tock tick tock
Jennifer: Bless her heart. Forgot to brush her hair.
Dez: I never thought a rose would mean so much, Baby
Chach’s head is bowed in shame. Gina is out and struggling to not cry…or should we say struggling TO cry? Could we not get someone better from central casting ABC? She did a horrible job. Do you know why I know she is faking? Because she tells the camera she is so sad. C’mon ABC. You did so well up until the end. Keep your head in the GAME!
Of course it is at the very end where we stay tuned for scenes from the next Bachelor that we find our beloved Erica is not gone for good.
ABC really does love me.
All about the shame, not the fame,