iHateGreenBeans

Hello lovely readers! Thanks for sticking with me as we slather on insane amounts of Germ Squirt in order to trudge through the debauchery known as The Bachelor Pad. It’s a little sad to think that we only have one more episode before this rocket ship reaches its destination. On the other hand, I’m a little impressed that we made it through five weeks without any noticeable rashes. Victory!

Before I get into the recap, I’m eager to announce that my new website will be up and running (fingers crossed) by the end of the month. This is something that I’ve been excited about launching for a while. Of course I will always have the Bachelor recap, but there will be other categories that you will hopefully enjoy getting lost in if you are bored one day.

For example: Cute Boys and Dr Pepper.

I know. Sounds amazing, doesn’t it? It’s simple really. Send me a picture of a cute boy drinking Dr Pepper and I’ll post it. Got a cute kid who loves Dr Pepper? Send it to me. Know a hot guy who drinks DP while he’s mowing the lawn? Send it to me. See a gorgeous stranger buying a case of Dr Pepper at the grocery store? Secretly take a picture with your phone and email me.

Yes you will get credit on my website. Yes Diet Dr Pepper counts. No, Dr Pepper is not paying me to do this. Yes we will make a 2012 calendar of the best photos. Yes I’m drinking a Dr Pepper now. Yes I’m working on getting Harrison to submit a photo. (Seriously…how cool would that be? We have to make that happen.)

It’s time to get creative and send me your pictures. I have a feeling this section will keep us busy during Bachelor hiatus until January. Who’s with me?!?

And if anyone knows Kiptyn, please have him send me a Dr Pepper picture. Preferably shirtless, because I’m forgetting what his abs look like since The Bachelor Pad refuses to display them in a proper manner.

I’m not bitter. Just disappointed. Let’s recap.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Depending on who is speaking to the camera, we begin with everyone feeling sort of bad but not really that Krisily or Krissy Lee has gone home. Crazy Dave admits that he told her she wasn’t on the chopping block and then gives a bug-eyed glance to Kip for shaking up the game plan and making him look like an untrustworthy liar. Kiptyn is too busy to notice because he is lost in Tenderella’s hair which smells like pine trees, peanut butter sandwiches and happiness. Some turn in for the night. Some pass out on the couches.

The next morning, Gwen ??? uses subliminal messaging to try and outwit, outplay and outlast the remaining contestants by bedazzling a huge rose across her huge rack. Nikki and her boobs roll her eyes, Tenley tells her the shirt is adorable and Natalie wonders if she has any leftover jewels so she can bedazzle something naughty for Crazy Dave.

Our Host Chris Harrison arrives on the scene looking absolutely adorable in a navy plaid shirt and khaki pants. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again and again…Harrison is darling. He gathers the contestants in the den, dials back the million dollar smile a bit, lowers his voice an octave or two and slowly transforms into the authoritative figure who demands respect from those sitting at his feet.

OHCH: “One of the first things I told you when you entered the Bachelor Pad was that the numbers between men and women would eventually even up. I don’t expect you to remember that because most of you were wasted, hooking up or busy feeding baby bunnies clover leaves from the patch behind the gazebo. The time has come to narrow the field. I’m sorry ladies, but three of you will be leaving this morning. I don’t think any of us will be surprised at who gets the boot. It will be particularly void of suspense since we continue to pull inspiration from the ‘Co-Ed Party Games for Junior High Kids’ book Fleiss ordered from Amazon.com. You thought Truth or Dare and Twister were bad…just wait.”

Tenderella chooses not to cry but does admit a panic attack is coming on. What’s Her Name carefully deduces that nearly almost half of their group will be going home and Natalie is ready to duke it out. This is survival of the fittest and she definitely has the fittest body in her opinion.

Elizabeth: “It would really suck to have to go home right now. Kovacs and I are really exploring what might be something really great if I decide it’s really great. And I know it would be totally awesome to have my roots done and spend a few hours in the tanning bed, but this is love. And maybe a quarter of a million dollars if he’s smart enough to not screw with me and my emotions. Game on.”

All the girls get in their cutest outfits to celebrate the biggest elimination in the history of The Bachelor. They all look a little psyched and annoyed to find that the competition is nothing more than pure dumb luck.

Natalie: “Spin the f-ing bottle? Are you kidding me?”

Gwen ???, Nikki and What’s Her Name’s thoughts exactly, Natalie.

Our Host lays it on really thick by reminding the girls that three will be going home and it’s up to the boys to decide. He is contractually obligated to mention that “relationships have never mattered more than they do right now.”

OHCH: “Forget the rules. Forget that this is supposed to be a competition. Forget playing the game. We are going to spin this bottle that has been bolted to a Lazy Susan. It will point to one of the boys and they will have to choose which girl they want to compete with as a COUPLE for the remainder of the show. But there’s a twist! The girl doesn’t have to accept your kiss. I know. The likelihood of that happening is like Tenley biting the head off of that random hawk over there, but humor me will you? I’ve got an 11:00 tee time with Snoop Dog at the Club. You’d think mute Melissa here would contribute something more than trying to rock the off-the-shoulder top. Did we not learn anything from Ali’s season? Intern! Vodka rocks. Make it a double.”

Gwen ??? is the only one who has any sort of remote touch with reality. She knows she is gone. Nikki and her boobs think they have a good chance being saved by Kiptyn since she saved him in week two. And What’s Her Name thinks she is strong and would be a good partner for any of the boys.

The boys line up and Melissa earns her mediocre salary by spinning the bottle. It lands on Kip’s abs and he pretends to have some sort of decision making angst before kissing Tenderella. Woodland creatures rejoice and break out into spontaneous song.

Lather, rinse, repeat with the remaining three guys.

Kovacs admits on national television that Elizabeth has a screw loose and is unstable. But he went with his emotion over strategy. Read: he thought with the little head instead of the big head. Sadly, Elizabeth correlates this to Kovacs passing her a note saying “will you go with me” and she is quick to check yes. They are finally a couple!

All the girls smile and wink at Jesse B. as he takes his time to pace back and forth in front of them. It reminded me of the time Robby asked Julia to pick the “coolest, nicest most un-losery guy” to dance with at that Jewish kid’s bar mitzvah on Wedding Singer. Nikki and her boobs, What’s Her Name and Gwen ??? were all smiling like Cheshire cats, winking and giggling in hopes that they would get the kiss. He chooses Peyton.

The losers are sent away in loser limos. Nikki adjusts her boobs and cries that she wasn’t a romantic interest for anyone. What’s Her Name grades some English exams and Gwen ??? promises that she will soon find love. Unless she dies and old maid first according to Elizabeth:

“It’s super sad that Gwen ??? didn’t find love. I mean that could be me! I could be in my 40s without love. A spinster. With cats as my best friends. Wearing bedazzled rose shirts. That would totally suck.”

Back inside, all the Plastics are happy that they can finally be couples out in the open. They hold hands and sit on each others’ laps, wondering what the next competition will be. Elizabeth wonders aloud if it will be “relationship trivia” with roses handed to all who can answer questions about their partner.

The lack of chattering, hair twirling and back rubbing proves that the other contestants think this might be worth exploring. They all scatter to strategize on their own.

Kovacs and Elizabeth huddle under a tree and rehash every memory they’ve ever shared with the other. Kovacs is confident. His memory is like a steel trap.

Kovacs: “Your favorite book? Cosmopolitan. Favorite movie? Dangerous Liaisons. Height? 5’7. Weight? 125. Preferred method of manipulation? Being a tease. Occupation? Nanny/Hooters waitress. Actual occupation? Kovacs ball buster. Original hair color? Dark brown…”

Elizabeth plays along, forgetting Kovacs’ alma mater, his middle name, his brother’s name and the pill she takes to help her remember things.

Kovacs is screwed.

Speaking of screwed, we find Jesse and Peyton are not participating in personal trivia because Jesse is too busy picking at an ingrown hair with a screw. He then places said screw, which he admits to finding on the floor “over there,” in his mouth. Finally, Jess teaches us how professionals peel their bananas. This segment would have been way more interesting had that actually been a sexual innuendo for something nasty instead of an actual lesson on the proper peeling of a banana. I’m just sayin’.

Kiptyn and Tenderella take a different approach. Assuming that the next challenge will inevitably be “Seven Minutes in Heaven” they practice making out for as long as they can without coming up for air. I actually prefer when Kip and Tenderella make out. There’s no baby talk. For example:

Ten: “It’s so awesome to be free to show affection to one another. I love kissing Kiptyn. Love Kiptyn. Kissing is fun. Kiptyn is fun. We are KipTen.”

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

WATER BALOON FIGHT!
It’s time for the competition. The girls are in never nudes and tank tops. Melissa is looking severe. Harrison is wearing a fabulous blue shirt that makes his eyes pop and a kickin’ yellow watch he scored from Snoop during a sweet bet on the 18th hole the day before.

OHCH: “Okay teams. This is not brain surgery. It’s a simple game of catch. Miss three and you are out. The couple who wins is safe and gets to go out on a date.”

The girls each grab a water balloon. I laugh because it looks like the ABC intern chose to fill condoms with water, but to his defense, I’m assuming there are plenty lying around the Bachelor Pad. Clearly this act of ingenuity saved him a trip to the Dollar Store. Gotta love that guy.

First round, the boys throw one at a time and all four girls catch. The boys take a step back. Jesse throws and Peyton drops the balloon. This happens three times and the under dog duo is out. Peyton walks off to cry. Jesse follows and pats her on the back, ensuring her that she dropped the condoms because of his bad throw.

Kiptyn and Tenley are out in the next round. Kovacs and Crazy Dave continue to move back with each successful catch. Just when the camera man is about to radio in a cherry picker so he can get a good shot of the entire Bachelor Pad driveway, Elizabeth begins dropping the condoms. I’m pretty sure one broke at impact of the hard surface of her infamous wonky boob job. Elizabeth begins spiraling down the road to insecurity and apologizes to Kovacs for messing things up.

It’s up to Natalie to win the game. In a hopeless attempt to control the bubbling rage, Dave yells out that all she has to do is catch one condom. Just one.

He throws. She drops. One camera guy, the ABC intern, Harrison’s body guard and the ABC Psychotherapist keep him from charging Natalie and kicking her in the throat. After agreeing that tranquilizers are not needed, he tosses again and Natalie catches the condom.

All the Plastics break out into cheers and high fives. Peyton and Jesse know that they have just booked their limo ride home.

Everyone adjourns inside to bask in the Plastic’s victory. They eagerly dig into the big basket of potatoes on the counter. Peyton stays outside to wallow and Jesse joins her.

Jesse: “Don’t be sorry. You are fine. It’s okay.”
Peyton: “I dropped all three balloons!”

Jess: “I had a bad throw. Don’t be upset. It was a team effort. We lose together. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone.”

Sweet Jesse. I can’t decide if he is really that nice or if he’s trying to get one last romp in the guest bedroom “fantasy suite.” I do like how he opened the door for her before they went back inside to eat twice baked potatoes. Gentlemen are always attractive.

Winner Date
“Spend the Night Together Under the Stars”
Crazy Dave and Natalie

When the doorbell rings, Gangster Dave and his sideways ball cap retrieve the date card. He leaves the podium.

Natalie: “It says that we get to spend the night together under the stars!”
Dave: “I don’t know what that means, but it surely will be fun.”
Tenderella: “What if you’re going on a rocket?”

Everyone gives Tenderella a token chuckle before Kiptyn sticks his tongue down her throat to shut her up. Elizabeth and Kovacs wander out the front door to practice relationship trivia and find a bright yellow Lamborghini sitting in the driveway. Like any curious person, they get in. Having taken her ginkgo biloba pill that morning, she remembers that Natalie and Crazy Dave have a date and this might be their mode of transportation. Sadly, it appeared that Kovacs had not made the connection before our shallow friend. Maybe these two really do deserve each other after all!

Elizabeth: “We could have had this if I knew how to catch.”
Kovacs: “You said that. I didn’t.”

Elizabeth: “We need to be the first to make out in this car.”
Kovacs: “Watch the stick.”

And they proceed to make out both in and on top of the car. For a long time. I made a sandwich and they were still channeling Tawny Kitaen. The wine maker insists that Elizabeth has caught a bad case of the Kovacs.

Should have asked for a box of water balloons dude.

They head back inside to find everyone sitting around waiting for something to happen. Kovacs announces that there is something outside waiting for them. Elizabeth interjects that it has been “broken in” for their pleasure.

Tenderella: “Is it a rocket ship?”

Seriously. What is up with the rocket ship? I know it’s easy for us to believe that she was, indeed, spawned from a Disney princess movie, but I’d love for her to join us in the real world. She’s exhausting.

Natalie, wearing a navy dinner napkin as a skirt, rushes out the front door with Dave, who is stoked he gets to drive the Lambo. Note to reader: only über cool people and Kevin Federline wannabes call a Lamborghini a “Lambo.”

You get that for free today at iHateGreenBeans.com.

Crazy Dave drives the Lambo like he stole it. Was it just me or did anyone else want him to say that it cornered like it was on rails? Whatever. They drive around and end up on a cliff. Instead of enjoying the romantic view, Crazy Dave insists that Natalie pose all over the car. With impressive yet creative angles, the camera man never once confirms that Natalie is sans underwear with bedazzled embellishments.

Thank you for that dear camera man.

Back at the mansion, Peyton shares with Jesse that Tenley is thinking that Kovacs and Elizabeth might be a threat. She and Kiptyn might want to break up the power couples. Jesse is reluctant to believe her. He runs off to find a screw or a banana…whichever comes first.

Natalie and Crazy Dave drive to the mansion that Jason and Molly fell in love before he left her at the Home Depot podium for Melissa, only to ask for her back on national TV six months later. It’s truly a magical place that can take this friendship to the next level.

The pair slam back sake and discuss what they will do with their winnings. Crazy Dave wants to open up a company doing what his father did. Natalie wants to pay off her college loans and send her parents on a trip. In a moment of rare weakness, Dave opens up and reveals that his parents divorced when he was nine and he never recovered. He became a “hellion” and got in trouble all the time. He admits that he was a Daddy’s boy. Natalie encourages him to call his Dad when they return. But he can’t. There’s been a fight and he threw a chair through a wall. They haven’t spoken since.

Dave chokes up. Natalie comforts him. I’m getting teary and actually FEELING things for Dave. It’s definitely time to move on. What if he starts talking about helping the homeless or inner-city kids who come from divorced homes like he did? C’MON! We need a new scene! Say something sarcastic or manipulative. Plot something. Get angry or mad Dave!

Enter the hot tub.

Ahh. It’s sanctuary for bachelors all over the world. Dave and Natalie make out. Kip and Tenley are making out at the other mansion. No we do not see Kip’s abs once. Again, another strongly worded letter has been sent to ABC executives. Never fear. I’m on this.

Tenderella: “I would love to continue romance outside of this house. Maybe in space? We could get there by Natalie and Dave’s rocket ship. This is turning into something special and unique. I want it to last.”
Kip: “I like how we can talk opening and honestly. For instance: I would suggest you re-think the size of your earrings. They are way too big.”

Tenderella: “But my friend Thumper made these from an Aspen tree leaf and gold he traded with one of the dwarfs. It would hurt his heart if I didn’t wear them in the hot tub.”
Kip: “Fair enough.”

Back at the hot tub where Jason promised to be with Molly forever before saying, “Just kidding!” at the final rose ceremony, Dave is talking strategy with Natalie. She wants to get rid of Kovacs. Dave refuses because he has made a pact with his bromance brother. Natalie is irritated because she did NOT make a pact with Kovacs and wonders if this will get in the way of them winning 250K.

Still hot and bothered from their romp on the Lambo, Elizabeth suggests that she and Kovacs sneak into the guest room fantasy suite. Everyone else has had fantasy dates and they deserve romance too. Luckily, we had subtitles to help us decipher this loving, passionate moment:

Kovacs: “What do you wan to do?”
Elizabeth: “I don’t know.”

Kovacs: “Do you want to get naked? If you do that’s cool.”
Elizabeth: “Well, it’s awesome if we are in love and we’re making love. But if it’s just railing, then no it’s not cool.”

Kovacs: “It’s not railing. Are we going to waste time and keep talking?”
Elizabeth: “I want romance. Where is it?”

He sticks his tongue down her throat. Very romantic.

Tenley is sent upstairs to see where Kovacs and Elizabeth have run off to.

Ten: “Well, I can’t see any signs of a rocket ship, but the lights are on up there and it smells really good. It’s as if little old lady fairies just pulled a big batch of cinnamon covered enchantment out of the oven.”
Jesse: “Dude. They are totally boning.”

Peyton: “Wait. Aren’t we supposed to say railing?”
Jesse: “What in the world is railing?”

Peyton: “According to the memo, ABC wants a Bachelor Pad catch phrase and have asked us to make railing happen.”
Jesse: “That’s totally lame.”

Peyton: “We get a hundred bucks every time we say it.”
Jesse: “I hear railing is fun. Wanna try it?”

Upstairs, the subtitles have gone into overdrive since Elizabeth is now regretting that she let the wine guy give her Kovacs.

Elizabeth: “I feel like a stupid girl. What am I doing? I don’t see you going out of your way to do romantic things for me or take advantage of romantic opportunities.”
Kovacs: “What did we just do tonight?”

Elizabeth: “You got railed. I should be worth putting up as big of a fight as put up for the money. If not more.”
Kovacs: “I care about you. You are pushing me away. You want to test me. Why are you ruining this opportunity?”

The next morning, Elizabeth asks if Kovacs is mad at her. He musters up his best fake smile and assures her that they are cool. He encourages her to take her ginkgo biloba, slips in a Prozac for good measure and waits for the pills to take affect. Before he can convince her to rail one more time, Dave and Natalie bust through the guest bedroom fantasy suite doors. Dave crawls into the bed with Kovacs and uses great will power to not lay between him and Elizabeth.

Clearly Dave has a bad case of the Kovacs too.

Later, the bromance brothers high five each other for playing the game so well, sticking to their plan of having no plan and generally being awe-inspiring to all who behold their presence. One day, they might be as cool as Harrison.

Natalie continues to try and convince Tenley that she needs to vote Kovacs and Elizabeth off the island. She suggests that she uses her feminine ways to sway Kip in the same direction.

She finds her beloved in the kitchen, chopping up one of her animal friends on a cutting board. The scene is too much for our princess. She goes outside to cuddle and nurture something with four legs or feathers.

Rose Ceremony
David, wearing a tuxedo jacket, white t-shirt and blue jeans, sits with Natalie by the outdoor fire. He tries to not let her glittery teal eye shadow distract him from the task at hand, but it’s hard. He looks straight ahead and listens to her try and convince him that it’s better strategy to get rid of Kovacs and Elizabeth. He responds by saying, “I can’t send my boy home.”

Moments later, Our Host clinks his champagne flute which summons the contestants into the den. He has a look about him that says he is up to something.

We love that look.

OHCH: “It is time for another elimination. You competed as a couple. You were saved as a couple. You railed as a couple. But you aren’t going to be voting as a couple. Kovacs…please pick your jaw up off the floor and get in there to vote.”

Tenley and Natalie find a secret corner and pinky swear that they will vote off Kovacs and Elizabeth. They know that Peyton and Jesse will do the same. They only need one more vote. Jesse finds Kip and promises that he will keep him around the next week if he can. Kiptyn is once again left with the swing vote. Loyalty? Or strategy?

All the contestants head outside to the freshly washed driveway. Harrison looks like classic Harrison. Melissa looks like a mute Pocahontas. In a black satin pant suit.

With Natalie and Dave safe, the second couple to get roses are Tenderella and Kip. For one second, I thought we may have a REAL game on our hands, but Harrison was quick to shut that down by announcing Kovacs and Elizabeth were safe as well. He invites Jesse and Peyton to say their goodbyes. Peyton is speechless and Jesse tells us his partner is f-ing awesome. Somewhere at a hole-in-the-wall bar in Austin, Texas, Gia sits in disguise with a certain self-proclaimed singer/song writer and raises her glass of peach schnapps in salute to the adorable, tattoo-loving 20-something.

We learn that Natalie voted with Dave because she was afraid he would rip her head off and feed it to Tenley’s birds if he ever found out. Can’t say I blame her.

And then we had the “stay tuned for scenes from next week’s season finale.” It’s a Dancing with the Stars crossover everyone! Get excited! Although my beloved Maks won’t be teaching Tenley how to dance the dance in her heart, it appears that Crazy Dave will be wearing one of his sequined, plunging v-neck numbers while twirling Louis Van Amstel around the floor. Kip appears to have zero rhythm and Kovacs just might rail with Edyta. Score!

We also learn that the entire Bachelor Pad cast returns. I’m wondering if they are the ones who make the finale as shocking as Harrison claims it will be!

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

The recap will be up as soon as I figure out where I can get one of those cool spin the bottle tables.  I’m thinking Brookstone perhaps?  Sharper Image? Sky Mall?

Feel free to discuss last night’s episode in the comment section.  I’ve got two words for you:  rocket ship.

Have fun.

My sweet friend Curt just informed me via instant message that it is 90210 Day. After a few moments of wondering when the Mayor bestowed our favorite kids from Beverly Hills a key to the city, I realized that it is September 2, 2010. Or 9/02/10.

Of course, this is just the type of cheese I can get behind and whole-heartedly support. And it’s not too late to post something! ( I can’t tell you how many years I’ve forgotten to post “may the fourth be with you” on May 4th.)

It’s time to turn back the clock to 1990. A year when we all ran home from the Thursday night JV volleyball game in order to catch the opening credits of this cool new show on that random station called FOX. Our parents thought it was about a group of high school teenagers struggling with the decision to plagiarize Robert Frost or try out for the baseball team instead of running track.

Little did they know that with the very first fist bump (crack/crack) and the sly smile from Dylan McKay, we were wishing we were on the other end of whatever makes Brandon Walsh pull his circular sunglasses down super slow.

Remember?

It was a time when Donna Martin was still a virgin and before she showed up in season five with major boobs. It was a time before David had an earring and we didn’t think Steve looked like the 30-year-old Bachelor from down the street. Kelly and Brenda were rocking awesome bangs when bangs were about to go out of style. Sadly, Andrea always looked like a 30-year-old, but it was okay. We appreciated that she and Nat brought so much maturity to the Peach Pit.

The light colored denim was worn proudly.  The side burns were worn long.  And floral was worn on any given day with matching hair scrunchy.

And then there was Dylan…

Sure his hair was a little on the high side, but BE STILL MY JAMES DEAN LOVING HEART!

Here’s to you Beverly Hills 90210!  After a quick IMDB.com search, I’m actually surprised that some of us stuck with you for an entire decade.   Not to be done by everyone you know on Facebook, let’s go ahead and share some of our favorite 90210 moments in the comment section.

And just for the record:  TEAM DYLAN!

The opening of last night’s episode promised us petty fights, revealed truths and hurt feelings. Several themes popped up over and over throughout the two hour ordeal. For instance, the words “chopping block” and “target on my back” and some derivative of the word “ass” were uttered no less than 243 times. A collective total of 17 minutes was dedicated to someone crying either in a broom closet or bathtub. And Wes Hayden is neither acting like a douchebag nor a country and western opening act.

Welcome back to the Bachelor Pad.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin with the contestants slowly making their way inside from the glistening rose ceremony driveway for the producer-mandated post-mortem session. All gather around as the ABC intern passes out more alcoholic beverages. Crazy Dave knocks back a shot of tequila, Natalie opts for an entire bottle of bourbon, Tenley cuddles up to her warm glass of whole milk and Jesse B. nips some moonshine from the flask his granddaddy gave him on his thirteenth birthday. The others guzzle their champagne in awkward silence.

After confessing to the camera that he thinks Gia is definitely worth exploring the possibility of being the inspiration for another tattoo but not in a “guard and protect your heart” kind of way, Wes finally speaks:

Wes: “Can we stop bending over and blowing smoke up everyone’s asses?”

No one knows what he’s talking about except Jesse B, who has literally been on the giving and receiving end of this exact endeavor on more than one occasion in Peculiar, Missouri.

Crazy David: “Dude. We have to send someone home, jackass.”
Wes: “Why are you calling me a jackass?”

Crazy: “Because it’s a stupid statement, jackass.”
Wes: “Don’t call me a jackass.”

Crazy: “Or what?”
Wes: “Or what? OR WHAT?”

Crazy: “We have to vote someone off. DUH.”

Crazy Dave storms off. The ABC Psychotherapist secretly applauds herself for slipping a little St. John’s Wort into Dave’s morning protein shake. Natalie defends her secret boyfriend by reminding us that this competition is all about relationship building and that Wes has officially been given an invitation to the chopping block courtesy of the Plastics.

Wes tells Jesse B. that Dave is a disrespectful bully. He’s all bark and no bite. He thinks that Dave needs to have his arse whipped. Jesse tells Wes that he’s pretty sure he saw a whip in Natalie luggage if he is serious.

Just as everyone is about to head to the kitchen to take two aspirin, the door bell rings. Nikki and her boobs return from the foyer with a big basket full of clip boards and a box of pens.

Nikki and her boobs: “Please complete the attached survey alone and keep your answers confidential.”

Tenley immediately begins crying. Krisily explains that the questions are all about what the housemates think of each other. They are straight up awkward and inappropriate and it’s going to get nasty when the answers are revealed.

Let’s take a moment and pause at the brilliance of this competition, shall we? After a grueling rose ceremony where emotions are raw, cases and cases of alcohol have been consumed and the fact that it’s more than likely three o’clock in the morning, I’m glad to know that the Bachelor Pad producers chose to introduce this survey when our contestants are well-rested with all their faculties firing sharp and precise accuracies.

My hat’s off to you Mike Fleiss. You’re dirty and gross, but definitely inspired.

Truth or…Truth
The next morning is intense. Crazy Dave and Natalie work to get Wes out of the house. Mourning his foul-mouthed guidette, Wes takes some time to reflect life, love and other mysteries in the hot tub. You can almost see the wheels in his head turning as he mentally composes his next big hit:

“They say don’t be alone in a hot tub
In nothing but your underwear
But you are with me in spirit
I’m your modern day Shakespeare”

There will be a steel guitar and fiddle in the chorus. He will title it “GIA.” Although the ballad will not appear on the Billboard charts in Chihuahua, Mexico, it will be very big in Sicily.

Melissa enters the mansion looking professional and just shy of an eating disorder. She encourages the contestants to follow her outside where benches and miniature dry erase boards have been set out for everyone. Harrison, looking eager in a gray Henley, greets the group with a dazzling smile.

OHCH: “Getting today’s rose is easy. Just tell the truth. Remember last night when you filled out a questionnaire?”

Indeed, half of the group does not remember filling out said questionnaire.

OHCH: “When Melissa asks a question, I’m going to try and hold it together and not laugh or point as you guys figure out what the MAJORITY vote would be to that particular question. If you get it right, you get a point. First to four points wins. Comprende?”

When they are not squinting from the sun, most of the contestants look nervous, except for Tenley who is already crying.

Melissa: “Who do most of you believe is going to win?”
It’s almost Kip across the board. Naturally, he was the correct answer. For the 74th time of the night, Kip tells us that he’s flattered, but feels like there is a big target on his back now.

Melissa: “Who is your biggest enemy?”
Wes answers Dave. Dave answers, “Wes sucks.” And the rest of the group answers Krisily.

Melissa: “Who is the most shallow?”
It’s a tie between Krisily and Elizabeth, but Elizabeth was the winner with an amazing acceptance speech: “I don’t consider myself shallow. I don’t know what that means.”

Melissa: “Who is the dumbest?”
The guys voted Natalie all the way across the board. Even Natalie voted for herself. She fake giggles and tells Harrison that she’s happy she got the point.

OHCH: “Au contraire mon frère. We haven’t revealed the resident dingbat yet. That honor goes to Gwen.”

With this news, it is revealed that Princess Tenley was the first to reach four points and therefore wins the competition and the love of all the people in the land.

Tenley: “I’m so excited, yet my heart hurts. The way I won was by putting someone down and that’s not nice.”

Tenley retreats to the kitchen with her woodland friends to bake everyone a pie when she’s not washing, mending and ironing their clothes or scrubbing the floors.

The rose for the men is still up for grabs.

Melissa: “Who do you secretly have a crush on?”
Each guy voted for Dave, including Dave. I totally am not getting the attraction.

Melissa: “Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride?”
Each guy votes for Natalie. She looks devastated that her secret boyfriend would vote for her. She tries to hold it together. She looks even more hurt when her secret boyfriend thanks her during his moment of triumph.

Wes: “Natalie likes to party. She’ll have to find a guy who can hang with that lifestyle.”

At this point, Jesse B, Kovacs and Dave are tied.

Melissa: “Who is considered to be the biggest jerk?”
Jesse B writes his answer in record time. The peanut gallery reveals two votes for Dave and two votes for Wes. The correct answer? Wes.

Unfortunately, Wes was the only one who didn’t see that coming. I myself was a bit shocked, but again—this is a land where girls crush on Dave. I’m clearly not drinking their Kool-Aid. Kovacs and Jesse both have four points. It’s a tie breaker!

Melissa: “Who has the worst boob job?”

Let the record show that Harrison’s face was AWESOME during this question. Kovacs pays no attention and begins studying the rack of all the girls across from him. He knows that he should write about Elizabeth’s botched boob job, but if he writes her name down, she would be mad. However, he could win the rose and save them both for the next round.

Decisions are the worst.

Kovacs chooses Krisily. Jesse chooses Elizabeth and demands that Harrison gives him the rose before we even know that Elizabeth is indeed the winner.

Kovacs: “I blew it. I want to win, but I understand that there are other things in life that are important. Like relationships. And my balls. They last a lot longer than money.”

Harrison congratulates Tenley and Jesse for the win and explains that they will both have a one-on-one date where they can choose to extend a rose or not. Everyone waits for their dismissal and the crowd rushes to different hiding places in the mansion. Wes heads back to the hot tub, strips down to his grey boxer briefs and starts thinking of words that rhyme with Gia. Krisily mopes in her bed. Nikki tells her troubles to her best friend in the mirror. Elizabeth searches for an empty broom closet and settles for a butler’s pantry. Kovacs searches for Elizabeth. Dave is jazzed that he’s the house crush and tells Peyton that all the girls are crying in the house. The ever-normal Peyton says, “really?” and finishes her thumb wrestling match with Jesse B. Crickets chirp when Ashley’s face is on the screen and Natalie finds sanctuary behind the shower curtain and is ticked with Gwen and the ABC camera man wiggle in to share the space.

Natalie: “Guys think I’m a flirt. But I put that stereotype on myself. I never want commitment or relationships. I don’t want to be hurt or vulnerable. I want to be a great wife and mom. I just need to find someone who is open to who I am and knock off this stereotype.”

Thank you for watching ABC’s Back to School Special: The Natalie Getz Story – How I Turned Down the Booze and Turned Up the Charm to Land a Man.

We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

David admits to the camera that he feels bad that Natalie is upset.

Dave: “It’s bad that I can’t talk to her because of the huge target on my back. But Natalie is great. She’s fun, athletic and we are in a relationship. But seriously…why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Tenley overhears the conversation and brings a confused Dave a glass of warm milk and a flower she picked from the meadow out back.

Meanwhile, the camera follows Kovacs knocking on every door in the mansion until he finds Elizabeth crying in the pantry with a green dish towel over her face.

Kovacs: “Don’t take it personally Elizabeth. Everyone just had to put an answer down. You are not shallow.”
Elizabeth: “I’m crying because everyone thinks my boobs are awful you idiot! I know I’m not shallow!”

Kovacs: “Your boobs are fabulous. They feel like perky tennis balls. Sure on cold days, one points northeast and the other northwest, but at least they are pointing north! Seriously. Those other girls are jealous of your looks and personality. Their envy makes you an obvious choice.”

Kovacs admits to the camera that seeing Elizabeth so upset broke his heart. He knows that he cares about her now. He wants her to know she has nothing to feel insecure about. He came to win money, but now he just wants to leave a better person.

Suddenly, the there is a knock on the door and Tenley skips out to fetch the date card. She leaves the podium.

One-On-One Date One
Tenley and Kip
Get Ready For An Island Escape For Two

Tenley tells the group that it was a hard decision for her to not tell Kip earlier in the day when she won the contest that she was going to choose him as her date. She agrees to leave all talking woodland creatures in the cupboard beside her bed and focus strictly on Kip for the next 12 hours.

Tenley pirouettes out to the waiting limo in her white shorty shorts fluttering her false eyelashes. They pair spot a helicopter and embrace, hug and twirl when they find they are going to Catalina for their date. Tenley talks about taking a leap of faith with Kip.

Of course we all expected bungee jumping with that intro, but instead with get zip lining. Alas, we have to suffer through just a few more life imitating art phrases:

With Kip here, I have the courage to leap.
Zip lining is like our relationship…you leave everything behind, lean forward and just go for it.
Flying through the trees reminded me that our relationship is going to new heights.

And then there was silence. I literally had to mute the television because the sound that issued forth from Tenley’s vocal chords as she flung down the line will always haunt me. It was like a baby giraffe screaming. “Baby” being the operative word.

I turn up the volume on my TV when I see Kip’s hand on Tenley’s thigh as they drink wine on a cliff.

Kip: “There is a lot of pressure that comes with this game, but for the first time, I’m not thinking.”
Tenley: “I’m glad you aren’t thinking. We need to have a good time and just feel.”

Kip lets her feel his tongue down her throat. She pulls away, winks at the tiny red crab at the edge of the water and breaks out in spontaneous song:

“I don’t know when
I don’t know how
But I know something’s starting right now!
Watch and you’ll see
Someday I’ll be
Part of your…WORLD!”

Kip misunderstood the end of her song and tells the camera that he is also ready to rock Tenley’s world in the fantasy suite.

Later that night, Tenley tells the random deer walking along on the beach to run along to the forest so she can have some alone time with her Prince. Kip admits that he has been keeping her at arm’s length, but now he’s ready to explore something more. Something he’s only dreamed about.

Tenley: “Oh Kip. A dream…is a wish…your heart makes…”

Kip shuts her up with some good old fashioned kissing. It’s time to give him the date rose, which is like proposing in fairy tale land. Tenley musters up her best baby talk voice and asks him to accept the rose…her heart…so they can live happily ever after. Kip accepts and waits patiently for the booty card to make an appearance.

Tenley reads the forgo date card and asks Kip if he would like to join her. He said that the idea sounds perfect.

Tenley: “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart. I’m ready to open up again.”

Too easy. Not going to go there.

Kip escorts Tenley to the forgo card fantasy suite. He’s secretly relieved that the gerbils following Tenley around are just friends of hers. He knew he wanted to take it to the next level, but there are some lines that need to be drawn.

The next morning, Tenley is excited to share with all the people in the land that she is dating Prince Charming. Kip puts the kibosh on that thought instantly.

Kip: “Look. We’re going to have to put our game face on.”
Tenley: “But today is a whole new world! There are a hundred thousand things to see. I’m like a shooting star! I’ve come so far! I can’t go back to where I used to be…take it away Kip!”

Kip: “Calm down Tenderella. We have to keep this under wraps.”
Tenley: “But it’s soooooooo hhhhhhaaaaaaarrrrrrrddd.”

Kip: “That’s what she said. Now come on!”

Tenley immediately begins crying because she has to keep her love for Prince Charming a secret. Dave can see right through it and high fives Kip for sealing the deal.

One-On-One Date Two
Jesse and Peyton
The Sky’s The Limit

Jesse is ready for his second one-on-one date with Peyton. Peyton is ready to build on what they started in the fantasy suite (read: guest bedroom) a few days before. They drive to an airplane hanger where an old black and white biplane is waiting to take them to new heights.

Jesse is like a kid in a candy store. He wants to barrel role. He wants to fly upside down. He wants to fight the Red Baron. Peyton thinks this is endearing.

During their moderate date in the airplane hanger because ABC’s entire budget was spent on helicopters, zip lining and fantasy suites for the Plastics on Catalina Island, Peyton learns that Jesse’s favorite foods are steak and potatoes. She reveals that she would choose something like funnel cake and corny dogs.

Jesse finds this very attractive because that’s exactly what they serve each October at Western Days in Peculiar in which dozens of men from surrounding counties come and re-enact the Civil War Battle of Boonville. (Or is that just Hallsville?)

In fact, he’s so impressed with Peyton that he gives her the rose early in the date. Peyton is so happy, she makes Jesse a martini. Just as she is about to suggest they discuss the US combat mission in Iraq, Jesse takes control of the conversation and steers it in an interesting direction.

By burping in her face.

I have to say, for the next 10 minutes, I didn’t take a single note. I was mesmerized by this confusing interchange as much as I am still mesmerized by Jennifer Grey’s nose. Sure nobody puts Baby in a corner anymore. Because they’d bet their life savings that Jennifer Grey is not Baby!

I digress.

I rewound my DVR and started again. Yep. It appears that Jesse has no problem belching and blowing the remnants of said belch when Peyton is sitting right there trying to be romantic.

Peyton: “You are too cute to burp in a girl’s face.”
Jesse: “You expect me to keep it bottled in?”

Peyton: “Um. YES I DO.”
Jesse: “You’re eyes are so awesome.”

Peyton softens a little and is ready to forgive and forget.

Jesse: “They are the reason you are on this date tonight.”

He laughs at himself and chews a chimichanga with his mouth wide open before sticking his own finger up Peyton’s nose. Peyton freaks out, looks at Jesse as if he is on crack and sips her martini. Jesse makes fun of her. Peyton reminds him that you do not chug a martini and Jesse wonders aloud who in their right mind would drink a martini when there is good beer to be consumed? Since there is no beer or Slurpee machine, he plays his own version of suicide and pours vodka in with his champagne.

Peyton: “I think Jesse’s true personality is finally coming out. He stuck his dirty finger up my nose. Who does that? I’ve always been a guy’s girl, but we were on a date. I want to feel special. Jesse is treating me like a little sister and that makes me want to treat him like a brother. It’s not romantic at all. I hope he doesn’t throw up on me tonight.”

Jesse tells Peyton that he’s having the best date of his life. Then he pulls her hair and kicks her in the shin. Peyton knows that she has to keep her head in the game, but when the forgo fantasy card date arrives, she just can’t force herself to go back to the guest bedroom at the mansion and stay with Jesse. Jesse appears somewhat disappointed. He decides to shoot paper wads in Peyton’s hair the entire ride home.

Dave: “No girl wants to date a sarcastic little brother figure who throws rocks and pulls her hair. It’s like mixing champagne and vodka.”

After sitting through six minutes of the Dancing with the Stars press conference to learn this season’s cast of characters, we find Tenley sneaking kisses under the cabana with Kip. Then they discuss which girl will be voted off the island—Krisily or Gwen. Inside, Krisily is the ring-tail leader of sending Kovacs home. Nikki’s boobs, Gwen and What’s-Her-Face agree. One of the couples is going down tonight!

Kovacs shows Dave the target on his back and admits that there is nothing Dave can do to keep him safe. Dave decides to take matters into his own hands and sweet talk one of the girls into coming over to the dark side. Surely his title of “House Crush” will allow him to woo the weakest link. He storms off to hunt for the injured gazelle.

Inside, Wes is trying to figure out a way to stay at the house. After shooting himself in the foot practically lecturing anyone who would listen that the couples need to be broken, he compares the task he has before him as a job. He laments that some people came here just to party. But this is hard work that needs to be taken seriously.

For the first time this season, we see Wes in a legitimate suit. He comments on how sexy Krisily looks and chooses to not mention how Gwen’s neck appears to be weighed down by a rather ginormous turquoise necklace. Harrison enters to room and a hush falls over the crowd as he clinks the champagne glass.

It’s time to vote.

Gwen, What’s Her Face, Nikki and Nikki’s boobs all decide to stick with the plan and vote for Kovacs. Tenley, Natalie, Elizabeth and Elizabeth’s wonky boobs vote for Wes Hayden.

That leaves one person. Krisily. The wounded, weak gazelle. Crazy Dave squirts some Axe on his juiced out pecs, pops a spearmint Tic Tac and goes in for the kill. Somehow, he convinces Krisily that the Plastics have talked and because she is super honest and speaks her mind in a way that is not annoying or emasculating at all, they are going to let her be a Junior Plastic. He will make sure that Gwen is voted off if she keeps Kovacs around. She immediately takes off her hoop earrings and promises to wear pink the next day. He gives her a token peck on the cheek and heads off to find his bros.

Dave: “Good news bros. Krisily is keeping Kovacs.”
Kovacs: “Awesome. So we vote for Gwen and we are all here to see another day.”
Kip: “I like Gwen. She hasn’t ever done anything to me. I can’t in good conscious vote her off and be okay with myself before when I wake up in the morning?”

Kovacs assumes Tenley’s essence has literally rubbed off on Kip and begins pacing in agitation. Crazy Dave breathes in through the nose and out the mouth and offers to vote however Kip wants…as long as they all vote together.

The group puts on their rain boots and sloshes out to the freshly sprayed driveway. Harrison reminds us that Tenley, Peyton, Kiptyn and Jesse all have roses. The remaining go to:

Natalie
What’s Her Face
David
Nikki
Elizabeth
Gwen
Kovacs

OHCH: “Krisily. I assume you have something you’d like to say?”
Krisily: “I’m not going to cry if that’s what you mean. I am just angry. I put faith in people that weren’t there for me. I’ve been nothing but honest and no one is honest with me.”

Wes and Jesse take great pride in announcing that they didn’t vote for Krisily.

Krisily: “I wish good look for anyone who is not Kovacs, Elizabeth, Kiptyn or Tenley. They will be the final four and no one has the guts to separate you guys.”

Said the girl who moments ago voted for Kovacs.

Krisily storms off to her limo, flipping everyone off through the sun roof. Wes leaves with a little bit of class, without a mention that he had/has a girlfriend back home this time as he leaves the Bachelor premise.

Wes: “I chose to separate myself. All the cool kids wanted to party. I was real up front from the beginning that we needed to get rid of couples. Nobody listened. I bet Krisily voted for me, because she thought they had their backs. Oh well.”

Question: Do we feel comfortable raising our children and future children in a world where Wes Hayden is right?

Next week, ABC makes room for Dancing With the Stars and forces The Bachelor Pad to vote off three people at the next rose ceremony. There is good news though. If I’m not mistaken, we could have our first sighting of Kip’s abs! FINALLY!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee