A letter from ABC to the The Bachelor Pad contestants

Dear Bachelor Pad Contestants:

The network is thrilled that you have decided to partake in the debauchery known as The Bachelor Pad.  You have been hand picked by Our Host Chris Harrison due to your extreme willingness to perpetuate drama, your seduction technique, the way you rock a set of abs and/or your general sense of douchbaggery.  Congratulations!

As you know, there is $250,000 up for grabs in this competition. You will need to outwit and outplay in order to outlast the others.   Of course, there will be challenges along the way.

You are only allowed to pack either swimwear or underwear for the duration of the show.  These rules are unflinchingly rigid.  You will also be required to make out with at least two different people each episode.  Gender is optional. Finally, females must cry at least once a day and men must pick verbal arguments with other males physically smaller in size or of questionable sexuality.

The plus side is that you all get to sleep together in bunk beds in the same room!  It’s just like Camp Longhorn, but different.  Not only does the alcohol run freely, but we’ve made sure the following list of necessities will be available to make your stay as enjoyable as possible:

– Hot wax and brand new packages of BIC razors
– Baby oil
– Chlorine tablets strong enough to kill anything germ/sperm-related in the hot tub
– Cases of Binaca
– Dippity Do hair gel and Chi hair dryer
– Waterproof mascara
– Vaseline and Saran Wrap
– U2’s Joshua Tree CD case to hold your Cher Greatest Hits album
– An economy-size box of RID

Let the fun and games BEGIN!

Best wishes,

ABC Producers

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