Last night was the final Young Life Club for the year (in which I am a volunteer leader) and all I kept thinking about was how sad it was that the seniors were leaving, how annoyed I was that I’m on a “lifestyle change” diet and couldn’t eat any of Kristin’s homemade chocolate chip cookies and how anxious I was to see who Matty picked in this season’s finale of The Bachelor.

I began receiving phone calls and texts around the 9:20 mark. All together, there were three phone messages and 11 texts. Translation? This must be a good one!

I have to say, it was one of the better season finales to date. Probably because ABC kept it short and sweet, revealing the monkey winner with 15 minutes left to pimp DDAHnna out for next week’s premiere of the Bachelorette. She was scorned by the evil Hotter than Crap Brad and now it’s HER TURN TO CHOOSE!

PS: According to the ABC website, there’s a dude from Greece or near Greece or is Greek that I think she will pick. His name is Eric. OPAH! I’m just saying.

LONDON
Without any warning, ABC drops us in the middle of London Bridge with Matt telling us that he is excited to introduce Chelsea and Shayne to his parents. I believe he used the word chuffed. It’s a British thing. I wouldn’t understand. But don’t think I’m not going to introduce it at least once in my daily conversation around the office. For instance, this morning I told my boss that I was chuffed that OTC was over.

I wonder if he thought it was due to all the walking. Maybe I should re-think this.

Matt tells the camera that he is going to take Chelsea to the London Eye to get better a view of the city. He admits she hasn’t been straight forward and he has a few questions:

“I’m just unsure if she’s into me. Or if I can get into her. And I mean literally. I hope she opens up. Her legs. Whatever. I do feel I have potential with this one.”

Interesting. It’s an ego thing. He needs her to help him along. Much like Charlotte told Lizzy when she said Jane did not need to play hard to get with Bingley. He would think her indifferent. Boys can’t handle that.

Chelsea tells the camera she is excited that she might be living here for a while. Matty points out St. Paul’s and his office while they are in the Eye. He thanks her for coming to London and we physically see Chelsea get squeamish when he tries to hug and kiss her from behind. Instead, she turns around a makes out because that’s more comfortable in her world. Hand holding is so intimate. Tongues down the throat say, “Let’s take this slow.”

Chelsea is nervous to meet the parents. She says that this could seal the deal and she wants to show them that she is the best for Matt.

The non-hand-holding-couple are greeted at the door by Matt’s brother Simon.

Two random things:
1. How awesome that the brother’s name was Simon? How many of you wanted Chelsea to ask him if he liked to do drawings? I thought so…
2. Why is it that Bachelors and their girlfriends always wait outside the parents’ house instead of just going in? I don’t think I’ve ever entered my parents’ front door or knocked on any of their doors. In fact…they barely use a lock let alone expect someone to knock before entering. Points to ponder people. I’m a little bored with Chelsea.

Matt introduces Chels to his mom Trish and dad Tony. Chelsea admits that she is intimidated because these weird British people are going to be proper and stuff. Heck, they’ll probably use two different forks and have three glasses for water, tea and wine. Geez! What’s a girl to do?

Trish asks Chelsea what she feels is the best part of Matty. Knowing that taught buttocks is probably not appropriate for the dinner table, Chels says that she likes how Matt is light in life and also serious when he needs to be. Then she says that this experience has been so wonderful, it’s quite ridiculous.

Quite ridiculous? Matt’s rubbing off on you Chelsea. And for once, that’s not a sexual innuendo.

Simon is a bit goofy around the ladies. He musters up the courage to ask Chelsea a trick question:

Simon: “If you came to stay with us, I’m sure you’d need wellies. Do you know what they are?”
Chelsea: “Rain boots?”

Cheers all around the table! She got it right! Go Chelsea! You are ready to come and live with the Grants!

Simon tells the camera that he thought Chels was charming and beautiful.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Trish asks Chelsea what important qualities does she need in a husband? Chelsea says that she needs someone to make her laugh and not hold her hand or touch her too much.

Trish doesn’t know if Chelsea is genuine. She asks if she feels she is putting up a wall and is guarded.

Chelsea senses the need to step it up a put her heart on her sleeve.

“I’m falling in love, but it’s hard. I don’t put myself in vulnerable situations even though I’m very bendy. There’s half a chance that I’m going home. I’m afraid to get my heart broken.”

Trish is moved by Chelsea’s “burst” of emotion and tells her that she is very natural and she feels Matty is natural around her.

Trish then tells Matt in private that she thought Chelsea was easy to talk to. She wonders if Chels can cope with their mad family. Matt assures her she will be great. Trish questions if Chelsea is 100% into this scenario. Matt is unable to answer for certain and tells his Mom that life is like a jigsaw puzzle. You never know what you get until you put it together.

And they all said, “What the crap?”

Hugs all around and Chelsea is ushered out the door to the waiting car. Matt calls her honey and says that he adores her. She calls him baby and bids him farewell.

Matt then tells the camera that he feels he could be engaged to this woman. And it feels good. Then the camera cuts and he lets out a great guffaw laugh and checks with the producers to see if any second of that spot was remotely believable. They look at playback in the monitor and decide to take two…just to be safe.

SHAYNE
Matt says that Shayne has an uphill battle to climb because Chelsea did an amazing job with his family.

Shayne shows up. GAME OVER PEOPLE!

She runs across Hyde Park and greets him with a pretty impressive public display of affection. She’s stoked. It’s her first time in Europe. All she can do is babble in a constant flow of baby talk that everything is so beeeeeeeuuuuutttttiiiiiiffffuuul and that she luuuuuuuuuuuuuvs it hhheeeeeeeeeerre. While not exclaiming the beauty of London and how much she wishes (hint, hint) she lived there, she says that it reminds her of a movie. Like a place where Bridget Jones or Mary Poppins would live. The only thing to deflect the baby talk is when they are making out. I personally am rooting for more of that. Or a pacifier. Either will work.

They arrive at the parents’ house on a double decker bus. Hilarious to me for some reason. The couple knocks on the door and Simon answers. He later tells the camera that he was floored to see this bleach blond chick with his brother. He said she was not his type.

Meanwhile, Shayne is babbling on about how they passed all these cute little shops and she never got to shop in one. She called Matt a tease.

Mom and Pop Grant cut a look at each other. There goes the castle.

Dad asks Shayne how old she is.

Shayne: “I’m actually 12!”
Lincee: She so reads my website.
Shayne: “No really. I’m 22.”
Lincee: Same as 12.
Shayne: “I’ve been on my own since I was 17. I started acting when I was 10. I’ve done soap operas and now I’m doing film. I work hard for what I want.”

Simon: “So is this what you want from the Bachelor? To be on top of the pile at the end?”
Lincee: Touché Simon!

Later, Simon and Shayne get better acquainted.

Shayne: “When I first walked in, what did you think of me?”
Simon: “Honestly? I thought, why is he attracted to this girl? Apart from the obvious beauty. But at lunch, you proved you are mature and don’t shy away from difficult questions. That was a surprise. What attracted you to Matt?”

Shayne: “Well…”
Simon: “Ah. I didn’t say Simon says.”

Few seconds pass.

Simon: “Simon says what attracted you to Matt?”
Shayne: “I connected with Matt from the very beginning.”

Simon: “In two days, you could be engaged. Does that freak you out?”
Shayne: Flirtatious stare as she sips her drink.

Simon smiling: “Simon says does engagement freak you out?”
Shayne: “Engagement doesn’t freak me out. The fact that I could lose him does.”

And there’s your winner America. Simon Says is smitten. Trish is at ease. Dad is in the corner asleep on the 18th Century furniture. All is well.

Matt is happy Shayne did such a great job with his family and Simon Says. He tells his monkey he will see her in a few days.

Back inside, he admits to feelings most at ease with Shayne and most passion with Chelsea. Trish’s gut tells her Shayne is more genuine. Simon Says feels the opposite…he thinks Chelsea is more sincere.

Whoa. What are we going to do? Matty is “so confused” and has no idea who to pick.

Barbados
Chelsea gets the first date in Barbados and runs to greet Matt with a high five.

Seriously. We are done. A high five?

He blind folds her. Lots of sexual innuendoes about the blind fold which totally turns Chelsea on. He takes her to a helicopter and says they are going to a private beach. This makes Chelsea practically pee her pants she so excited and chuffed. They walk the private beach…Chelsea in her slinky swimsuit and Matt in his linen pants and open shirt. Does he own a swimsuit? Forgot the sun block? Does he have weird nipples or something? Seriously. Thank goodness Bachelorette starts next week. You know DDAHnna is going to get those boys in a hot tub…

They make out on the ABC intern’s beach towel…plastic buckets and shovels sprinkled around for effect. I guess there’s no Pier One to run to on a private beach when the props department forgot to bring beach decorations. I half expected a wandering inflatable ball to bounce in and out of the scene. Oh well.

Chelsea tells Matt that she thinks they have a great future together. He kisses her shoulder and finally takes off his shirt. Chelsea feels at peace and says they fit together. Literally. What is wrong with me today with the innuendos?

This portion of the recap brought to you by Hilton Barbados.

Chelsea says that tonight is her last night to let him know how she feels. And what better way that to give a special gift. It’s a California survival kit. First thing Matty pulls out is a box of cereal. Chelsea said it was for breakfast in bed.

Alright.

There is a tin of surf wax and a map because there will be lots of traveling.

Then Chelsea gets a little abstract by comparing herself to the unraveled map. She, like Rand McNally, continues to unfold to reveal more and more details. She admits that she rarely puts herself in vulnerable positions (unless safe words are given) but she wants him to know that she is falling in love with him.

He says he is falling in love with her too.

Great. He’s going to tick me off by telling everyone he loves them. Uncool Matty. Uncool.

Matt tells the camera: “She’s everything I ever wanted. In a lover. She’s incredible. Under the sheets. Absolutely incredible. I hope we can get through this together. Because I’m going to need a back-up in case this Shayne thing doesn’t work out.”

The camera man shows him leaving the room. Unbeknownst to the viewing audience, it’s the next morning. He calls her hon. She calls him baby.

It’s now time to concentrate on Shayne. He has to get Chelsea out of his bed. I mean head.

Shayne attacks Matty on the beach, wrapping her legs around his waist. This is an example of how she is his little monkey. Matt tells Shayne that he has a surprise for her. They walk to the water’s edge and a boat pulls up. Shayne mistakenly thinks this is the present and wonders where they will store it in London if there are no lakes? Matt corrects his monkey and tells her that they are going parasailing. FUN! Shayne makes sounds that only dogs can hear and jumps on board.

She’s harnessed up and tells Matt that if she doesn’t come back from this adventure, she wishes him and Chelsea well.

That’s why I was rooting for this girl.

Matt tells the camera he is so proud of his monkey. And Shayne too. Shane says that she felt like an angel up there…floating and dreaming of the man she loves.

Later at the Hilton, Shayne, with her butt in the air facing the camera, crawls off of Matty’s lap to tell him that she has a super surprise for him. It’s her last chance to tell him how she feels and makes sure to point out that this is a HUGE deal for her.

I was expecting a lot more than a picture of her writing “I Love You” in the sand after that intro.

Matt tells the camera that this gift is amazing and it melted his heart. He knew that it was hard for her to do, because she doesn’t like getting dirty, and this was a big jump for her.

Shayne: “Matt! It says I love you!”
Matt: “I love you too monkey. You are the warmest, kindest most genuine person I’ve ever met.”

He leaves her Hilton suite with the framed picture and stuffed monkey in his hand.

Matt tells the camera that this is going to be a big decision. Yet he is not one to regret decisions, so when he makes it…that’s it. But he’s nervous about choosing.

Proposal
Matt is both chuffed and gutted. He loves Chelsea’s energy and Shayne’s warmth. He is emotionally attached to two people and knows someone is going to get hurt. Yet he is quite sure he has found a lifelong partner.

And it’s not with Chelsea or her Grecian goddess dress from 1987.

Our Host Chris Harrison is trying to keep a poker face as he walks Chelsea through the garden to an awaiting grove where Matt will break her heart. Could we have provided an umbrella for the mile hike maybe? Everyone is glistening. It’s very beautiful…the sweat and squinting from the sun.

Matty: “You look amazing girl. Exquisite. Wow. You own some amazing dresses and this has to be the best one. When I came to do you…I mean to do the show…I never thought for one second that I would meet someone like you. We shared some amazing times. Thank you for that. Without you, it would not have been fun.”
Chelsea: Scared-to-death stare.

Matty: “However, when I think about my lifelong partner, I’m thinking I can’t give you everything you need. It’s not me…it’s you. It has taken us a long time and it’s been a tough journey. I’ve felt so much for you…found myself falling in love…sorry you are not the one…you are incredible.”
Chelsea: Breathing heavily and refusing to cry her false eyelashes off.

“I don’t have any regrets. I find it so hard that I would fall for someone even if they didn’t like me back. It took me longer because it is more real. Although it took me a while, I meant every word.”

Matty: “At times I thought you were the one. Many times. I wish you the best.”
Lincee: Dude. Don’t say that.

Matty slaps her on the back and motions for Chelsea to follow him to the car parked a few miles away. On this walk of shame, Chelsea gets a little feisty. After shouting that she is NOT going to cry, she tells Matty that Shayne is the falsest person of the group and it was odd to be up against her in the first place.

Matty: “To me…she isn’t. If you think I’m the sort of person who would end up with a false person, then you don’t know me at all.”
Chelsea: “I guess I don’t.”

Awkward! It’s kind of funny to see them mad at each other, walking to the limo in a huff. Matty says that he is going to miss their “times together” and shoves her in the car. Chelsea does a great job of holding it in by swallowing a lot of air. She rambles on about how all her relationships end up like this. It’s hard for her to explain what happened because she doesn’t know. All she is certain of is that Matt Grant is a fool. A FOOL!

Matt changes clothes because of his profuse sweating and stands in the grove to wait for Shayne.

Hey! Where’s the white proposal pedestal brought to you by Home Depot?

Matt: “I’ve found a soul mate, amazing lover and great friend. I feel I could spend the rest of my life with. I see us in the future having fun, affection and she will always be there for me. She’s the warmest and most genuine. She found something inside me…made me feel like I’ve never felt before.”

Shayne arrives on Chris Harrison’s arm looking LA sheik in a lemon yellow baby doll dress and freshly bleached blond locks swept in an up-do. Bangs dangling in her eyes for a perfect smoldering look. She’s very nervous because she’s never had her heart in a man’s hands before. Her boobs? Yes. Her heart. No.

Matt: “I knew as soon as I first saw you, with that million dollar smile and big brown eyes that this was too good to be true. There’s been laughter, fun, kisses, monkey…but I came here not just for six weeks. I came here to find someone for life. And I know when I look in those eyes that you’d always be there for me. I hope you know that I will always be there for you.”

He gets down on one knee and Shayne freaks out and clasps her hands in front of her face in utter shock, secretly happy that she practiced this specific move in front of the mirror three times this morning.

Matt: “Give me your hands.”
Shayne: “Matt!”
Matt: “I love you.”
Shayne: “I LOVE YOU!”
Matt: “And I have something for you.”

Whips out the big diamond.

Matt: “Monkey…will you marry me?”
Shayne: “Oh my God…YES!”

Then she says his name a bunch of times and pulls back in a flirtatious pout.

“I’ll marry you under one condition…that you will never look at another woman for the rest of our lives, because you have looked at way too many during our relationship.”

Everyone laughs. Oh the witty remarks of Shane Dale Lamas. Or DeLamas. I couldn’t tell what Matt kept calling her.

Anyway…

ABC rolls a nice package down memory lane of Shayne and Matty. Shayne screams to the camera and anyone who will listen, “I’m in love! And he loves me too!”

Then they make out. And live happily ever after. Just a man and his monkey.

The end.

Wait a minute. Ten more minutes? What’s a network to do with that much time left on their hands?

Why pimp BACHELORETTE of course!

Looks like DDAHnna may be a little livelier now that she is in charge of the rose ceremony. Let’s hope that it’s not as boring as the last two have been. And can you believe that it starts on Monday? We didn’t even get a break to marinate in the wonder that is Matthew Christian Grant and Shayne DeLamas! NO FAIR!

According to some comments on my previous post, set your DVRs for Ellen tomorrow. Rumor has it that the happy couple will be on for the first leg of their 15 minutes of fame.

Until next week when we get to watch a bunch of bored dudes wonder why their co-workers talked them into signing up for this silly show…

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee