A sad samba + swing marathon = zzzzzzzz

As I sat down to watch Jake and Chelsie stumble through another week of Dancing with the “Stars,” I found that picking out the cabbage of my grilled chicken salad from Chick-Fil-A was more interesting than what was happening on my TV screen.  In fact, I was rejoicing in the 23 flavors of Dr Pepper and asking my refreshing beverage of choice, “Why are you so good to me?” when I realized that we were half-way through Jake’s rehearsal footage.

So I rewound.  For the sake of the blog I rewound.

Jake tells the camera he is on cloud nine after his cheeky cha-cha third place finish from last week.  (I remember him being there from his Bachelor season.)  He tells Chelsie he wants to close the gap between him, Nicole and Evan.

There are several issues I have with this statement:

1.  It can’t be done.

2.  You’re going to have to completely shave your chest hair Jake.  Guys with peach fuzz and plunging necklines don’t go together.  Waxing is not girly.  Look at Maks.  He’s dripping with hotness and would never be caught dead shirtless without glistening pecs.  Embrace your feminine side.  Perhaps you could visit a local spa and get it waxed.  Or you could get some other ideas from a Guy in Austin who will be experimenting for the next few weeks with stuff chicks like to do.  (BTW:  my vote is the Sex and the City 2 premiere!)

3.  Let’s keep the cross dressing to a bare minimum.  I know your shtick on this show is that you will do anything you are told.  Dressing like the samba girls from the floor show in Vegas is definitely a moment where you can draw a line.  Even though you uttered the phrase “Shake what your Mama gave  you!” and giggled at the camera, America did not think that was funny. In fact, we felt sorry for you and secretly called you a chach.

4.  And speaking of samba, this is how you properly execute the rhythmic dance:

Oh how I miss Apolo’s head band and Julianne’s crazy rooster hair. Those were the good old days when Dancing with the “Stars” used to be entertaining.

5. Note to self: Pelvic thrusting is not in the same category as hip swivels. No more dry humping please. I’m eating here.

6. Please for the love of all things Chris Harrison, STOP OPENING AND CLOSING YOUR MOUTH AS IF YOU ARE RECITING VOWELS! I don’t know who told you to do that, but I’m telling you to STOP IT. You are driving me bananas with the “OH” and the “EEEE” and the “AAAHHH” faces.

Let’s not forget the group swing marathon. What a hot mess THAT was. Jake was super pumped that he can lift all 84 pounds of Chelsie over his head without any power behind it! Too bad they lasted four seconds in the group number before being asked to leave the dance floor. Carrie Ann was distracted by Jake’s tonsils. She wanted to provide more space for Derek to hold Nicole upside down with her crotch in his face.

Awk-ward.

What do you guys think? Do you love to hate Jake? Or do you just wonder why in heaven’s name he ever came back to tell Jillian about He Who Must Not Be Named? Had he gone back to Dallas: AKA Denton, and then showed up on Dancing with the “Stars,” would I be cutting him a lot more slack right now? Do you prefer Maks hairy or hairless? What about Niecy’s jiggly parts? Do Cherly and Ocho really like each other or is it all show? If you could have dinner with one reality show host, would it be Tom or Hare? Who would win in a battle of wits?

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63 Comments on "A sad samba + swing marathon = zzzzzzzz"

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Tricia
Tricia

Your recap is SO much better than this stupid show. Jake needs to go…………………..

sprite
sprite

Ah Maks…I’d take him any way I could get him…that man KNOWS how to sizzle…Jake…not so much. Jake is just trying too hard to make people like him/his dancing. This was the same problem I had with him on the Bachelorette. Confident people don’t have to try. He just doesn’t seem to know who he is and is testing out personalities that he thinks people will like…hence the fakeness. Jake’s expressions while dancing and the fact that he keeps tripping over his own feet do not bode well for him. My money is on him going home tonight…I can only dream…up on cloud number nine. 🙂

T. Marie
T. Marie

I don’t know if you noticed or not but there seem to be an awful lot of fat jokes last night pointed at Niecy. I’m sorry but we know she likes her jiggly parts but really she’s “thick” not fat and she’s in pretty good shape and sexy as hell so why is everyone the band wagon of how they need to use food to get her dance better. And by “everyone” I mean the dancers and judges on the show. If Niecy wants to make fun of herself that’s one thing, but Len made two remarks about it during his comments and 85 said “we need to figure out a way to get Niecy’s food from her” and Cheryl started cracking up. Hey Cheryl…in case you haven’t noticed you’re the “thickest” chick out there among the female dancers…maybe you should wear a costume where we see less of your back fat and keep your mouth shut! Sorry…needed to vent.

Susie
Susie

Lincee, Thanks for the memories when Julianne was on the show; I loved her and Apollo! And thanks for pointing out that hip movement in dancing isnt the pelvic thrusts(AKA dry humping!) that are part of all of Jake’s routines…why are the judges putting up with that and not deducting points for tripping and near falls every week?? He is so sloppy, his movements are wild and out of control, he whips Chelsea around…yuck, I dont find anything good about his dancing including his fake enthusiasm. Also did anyone notice he almost started to cry in the footage of their practice time? He WILL cry before this show is over! Anyway, I cant stand Jake; he has got to go tonight! #2 said it all about his fakey personality and how about his lame attempt to suck up to Bruno about his dollar?? Love Maks, Niecy is a riot, and Cheryl and Ocho….probably just for show and Cheryl is NOT fat!

Mari
Mari

Jake makes me crazy with his stupid grin, his drama queen attitude, his terrrible dancing that the judges are praising, and his attempts to be sexy (pelvic thrusting like he’s having sex instead of controlled hip movement…there is a BIG difference, Jake!). He almost fell AGAIN!! Evan and Anna got RIPPED OFF!!

Anne
Anne

Why did Len go ballistic at Maks for taking his shirt off but laughed last week at Jake when he came out without pants on??? I thought Jake’s stunt was so much more offensive and inapproriate then Maks taking his shirt off. The judges have been so inconsistent and clearly like Jake to let all his near falls go without deducting. I’m also way over Nicole and her attitude that she has to be number 1 every week and it’s so much pressure on her. She is used to performing, dancing and being in front of a camera.
The swing part of the competition was just chaotic and had no order to it. I dont see why Pamela lasted as long as she did.

heidi
heidi

I keep wishing for the pussycat doll to break an ankle. she’s a great dancer, and this is a dancing competition, so in theory I should want to like her, but I just don’t like her or derek for that matter either.
Love Evan!
Love Chad… he makes me smile!
I would take Maks hairy, hairless, after he’s fallen into a pig pen, I don’t care. That man is attractive!
I would totally pick Hare over Tom for a dinner date, but I’d choose Phil from Amazing Race over both of them.

Debbie
Debbie

Why is it when other dancers have stumbled, the judges have been quick to point it out. Think Bruno…”Ohh darling it was quite good until that little stumble. How unfortunate” Yet Jake has had two prominent stumbles in two dances. Last night, Len completely glossed over it. Oh it was a step.

#3 T. Marie – Niecy herself said she’s practice better with food hence the comments. If you’re going to use something as a schtick and other people pick up on it, you really can’t complain. Nothing that Len or Chad said was mean spirited. I laughed at Chad’s scheming on how to beat the competition and I’m a thick chick.

MarriedWithEyes
MarriedWithEyes

Jake has got to go. When he got out first in the swing competition I was cheering because it makes it harder for votes to keep him in. Poor Chelsie!

I like Derek and I find him funny. I like Nicole but don’t think they will will and shouldn’t win.

Anna and Evan did get ripped off.

Loved Maks and Erin! Len overreacted to the shirt deal but even I (who thoroughly enjoyed it) wondered what the point was. I think he is harder on Maks because of his talent and what he could have pushed Erin to do where with Jake why beat a dead non-celebrity (he isn’t going to get better at anything but making excuses) when he is down.

I like the chemistry between Cheryl and Chad.
I think Pam is doing a better job than some but I hate that she can’t be herself – she is only comfortable being what/who people think she is or a character.
I think Niecy is hillarious but can’t stand Louis (not since Trista – season one). I think she brought the jokes on herself and I think Chad was just playing off of her. I thought he was more rude to Erin than Neicy but Len I think needs to lay off her body when it comes to dancing.

So glad you are blogging on this!!!!!

beens
beens

The faces… oh the faces! Thanks for calling them out. Does anyone know who the lady was sitting by Vienna? She didn’t look impressed. In fact, it seemed like Vienna didn’t look as excited for Jake after his dance like she usually does. hmm? Did anyone wonder what they were talking about when the camera was on them.

Not a big fan of Erin, she makes annoying faces as well. just a side note.

Mallory
Mallory

I am praying for the love of all things holy that tonight will be the last night I ever have to see the King of Tools on TV!

I’m still pissed that Len gave Erin & Maks a 7. That samba should’ve been 3 9s!

And the corny part of me can’t help laughing that the only person to get something other than a 7 from Len was Ochocinco and he got an 8. 🙂

Casserole
Casserole

I noticed at the end, while the credits were rolling, Chelsie immediately dashed over to join one group of people while Jake kept turning and making even a step or two in this direction or that and even walked straight toward Chad, who brushed past him to hug someone esle. Poor tool boy was floundering; it seemed as though no one would have him in their space at the moment.

That O face that nicole kept doing was hard to watch. does she always do that? This was my first time watching, all bc of this fabulous recap here!

FOPCgal
FOPCgal

Did anyone see Chach Boy hug Donny Osmond on his way up to the celebrequarium? Since when did those two become BFFs? He is SO out of his league on this show and the pathetic part is he doesn’t even get it. But that’s no shock now, is it?

I would love to have a dinner party with Tom, OHCH, Lincee AND Guy-in-Austin. Oh the fun to be had! And I would hire Jake as my bartender and Vienna as the waitress so they can see what real conversation is like. But only if he goes shirtless and she wears her Hooters outfit…..wait, nah….none of us would have an appetite then.

SDip
SDip

#12 Casserole — noticed that too! Free Chelsie and put her out of her misery!!

Joe

I am praying for the love of all things holy that tonight will be the last night I ever have to see the King of Tools on TV!

I’m still pissed that Len gave Erin & Maks a 7. That samba should’ve been 3 9s!

And the corny part of me can’t help laughing that the only person to get something other than a 7 from Len was Ochocinco and he got an 8. 🙂

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