A sad samba + swing marathon = zzzzzzzz

As I sat down to watch Jake and Chelsie stumble through another week of Dancing with the “Stars,” I found that picking out the cabbage of my grilled chicken salad from Chick-Fil-A was more interesting than what was happening on my TV screen.  In fact, I was rejoicing in the 23 flavors of Dr Pepper and asking my refreshing beverage of choice, “Why are you so good to me?” when I realized that we were half-way through Jake’s rehearsal footage.

So I rewound.  For the sake of the blog I rewound.

Jake tells the camera he is on cloud nine after his cheeky cha-cha third place finish from last week.  (I remember him being there from his Bachelor season.)  He tells Chelsie he wants to close the gap between him, Nicole and Evan.

There are several issues I have with this statement:

1.  It can’t be done.

2.  You’re going to have to completely shave your chest hair Jake.  Guys with peach fuzz and plunging necklines don’t go together.  Waxing is not girly.  Look at Maks.  He’s dripping with hotness and would never be caught dead shirtless without glistening pecs.  Embrace your feminine side.  Perhaps you could visit a local spa and get it waxed.  Or you could get some other ideas from a Guy in Austin who will be experimenting for the next few weeks with stuff chicks like to do.  (BTW:  my vote is the Sex and the City 2 premiere!)

3.  Let’s keep the cross dressing to a bare minimum.  I know your shtick on this show is that you will do anything you are told.  Dressing like the samba girls from the floor show in Vegas is definitely a moment where you can draw a line.  Even though you uttered the phrase “Shake what your Mama gave  you!” and giggled at the camera, America did not think that was funny. In fact, we felt sorry for you and secretly called you a chach.

4.  And speaking of samba, this is how you properly execute the rhythmic dance:

Oh how I miss Apolo’s head band and Julianne’s crazy rooster hair. Those were the good old days when Dancing with the “Stars” used to be entertaining.

5. Note to self: Pelvic thrusting is not in the same category as hip swivels. No more dry humping please. I’m eating here.

6. Please for the love of all things Chris Harrison, STOP OPENING AND CLOSING YOUR MOUTH AS IF YOU ARE RECITING VOWELS! I don’t know who told you to do that, but I’m telling you to STOP IT. You are driving me bananas with the “OH” and the “EEEE” and the “AAAHHH” faces.

Let’s not forget the group swing marathon. What a hot mess THAT was. Jake was super pumped that he can lift all 84 pounds of Chelsie over his head without any power behind it! Too bad they lasted four seconds in the group number before being asked to leave the dance floor. Carrie Ann was distracted by Jake’s tonsils. She wanted to provide more space for Derek to hold Nicole upside down with her crotch in his face.

Awk-ward.

What do you guys think? Do you love to hate Jake? Or do you just wonder why in heaven’s name he ever came back to tell Jillian about He Who Must Not Be Named? Had he gone back to Dallas: AKA Denton, and then showed up on Dancing with the “Stars,” would I be cutting him a lot more slack right now? Do you prefer Maks hairy or hairless? What about Niecy’s jiggly parts? Do Cherly and Ocho really like each other or is it all show? If you could have dinner with one reality show host, would it be Tom or Hare? Who would win in a battle of wits?

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