A whole lotta nothing
“Cheese ass. Make it happen.”
That was the first line in my notes from last night’s episode. As you can see, there wasn’t a ton going on last night. Oh sure, they MADE us think that someone was going down after discovering that one of the Bachelors had a girlfriend, but that didn’t even happen.
It was a tough episode. But I have to admit…there were little gems here and there. Break Dance Michael’s personality. Crazy Dave being DENIED! More screen time from that dude. I say we jump right in, shall we?
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The episode starts off with Our Host Chris Harrison gathering the boys in the rec room of the bunk house. He’s looking cute with his shirt unbuttoned a little lower than normal and for the first time to my knowledge, we see a peek of chest hair. YOU GO HARE! YOU CAN TOTALLY HANG WITH THESE HOTTIES!
He tells them that there are going to be three dates this week and one of them is the dreaded two-on-one. But there is a wacky twist…Jillian has left LA.
Duh, duh, DUH!
Our Host says that the 13 Bachelors will be leaving to go on dates with Jillian in her home town of Vancouver. HEY OHHHH! Jesse pulls his fedora a little lower over his eyes, I remind myself (for the hundredth time) that the unfamiliar stranger is not the baggage dude but Mark the pizza guy, Reid adjusts his glasses and Michael starts singing “Oh Canada” as heard in the Epcot pavilion at Disney World.
The boys pack their matching luggage, fly north and greet Jillian at the front of a fancy hotel. The boys are pumped that there are bathrooms IN THE SUITE and Ed puts a little smirk on his face when he asks Jilly if there are hut tubs nearby.
You go Ed.
Jillian giggles nervously, downs her champagne and leaves the first date card on the table before she bids the boys adieu.
ROBBY D!!! rips open the envelope and tells Kiptynite that he will be cooking up some love…Vancouver style. HEY OHHHH!
Jake is excited that Kiptynite has been chosen, because that means that she is interested in nice boys. He is ready for the bad boys to leave. Ironically, the camera cuts to Wes turning is nose up at the buffet and Dave taking tequila shots with the concierge.
“Hungry Like the Wolf”
Jilly tells the camera that she has been interested in Kiptynite since he stepped out of limo.
Get in line girl.
She runs to him and he picks her up and twirls her around. This, of course, earns Kip a few bonus points.
Then she goes in for a kiss. He wasn’t ready. She sort of kisses the side of his mouth. She pulls away but he goes in for a kiss that he’s ready for. She gets confused and turns her cheek. He gets the side mouth, but has already stuck his tongue out. They giggle about the moment and then Jillian tries to grab his hand. Unfortunately, Kipper was shoving his hand into his pocket. Jillian looks embarrassed and pulls her hand away as Kiptynite goes in for the grab. She laughs. He laughs. They make a conscious effort to hold hands and finally make contact.
Jillian is very excited to get to know Kip on a more personal level. And what better way to do that than side-by-side in a kayak? They will paddle over to the food market and then go to her place to cook a meal.
Sadly, it’s 40 below zero in Vancouverand Kiptynite is not shirtless in his kayak.
Jillian reminds us that she is competitive and wants to make sure Kip can fit into her life. And that means racing. She needs to know that he can keep up with her and that he will challenge her.
Kip leisurely paddles as Jillian struggles to maneuver her boat. He thinks she’s cute. She thinks he’s wicked awesome. Kiptynite “wins” the race because he reached the bridge before Jillian. She wants to congratulate him with a kiss. He slides his boat up to hers and…they sort of miss each other. He laughs. She laughs. She leans over to kiss him and yells because she almost tumped over. They give up and give each other high fives instead.
The lack of timing is annoying me a little, but I’m still confident the big, good kiss is coming.
Kipper and Jilly reach the market and Jill sends Kip on a mission to find the ingredients for her pass-ta sauce. In the middle of the produce section, she asks Kiptynite if he likes tomatoes and he responds with, “Your eyes are so pretty.”
Back in the suite that has bed mattresses, Qwahn tells Reid that he would never want to be up against Jake in a two-on-one. Reid admits that he is ready for the house numbers to shrink and Jake tells the camera that Jillian is simply looking for a man.
Aren’t we all Jake? Aren’t we all…
Back at the pier, Kiptynite and Jillian sit on a park bench to talk about the importance of volunteering. Kip feels that the chemistry is good and it’s as if they have been dating a while. Jill gives a quick plug for Big Brother and Lincee wonders why we don’t get to the big kiss and Kip sans shirt in a hot tub?
They decide to feed the birds. Raise your hand if you thought of the Mary Poppins song? Okay. Put your hands down.
After they are bombarded by germ-infested fowl, Jillian suggests they head to her house to do some cooking. She leans over for a quick peck kiss and again, Jillian is denied because quick peck kisses are for people who have been dating for a while and this is his third time to ever see her. When he realized that he missed the boat, he leans over to kiss her as she’s getting up off the bench and he lands somewhere in her hair.
Are they joking with this? We must have the mother of all make out sessions coming up at Jill’s house.
Jillian: “I didn’t want to do anything overly fancy. I just wanted dinner with my man. And to feed him my pass-ta sauce with a spoon and for him to tell me that my pass-ta sauce is wicked awesome.”
By Jillian’s reaction, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t expecting Kiptyniteto come up behind her as she was cooking and give her a very seductive smooch on the nape of her neck. Heck. I swooned at that. It’s getting hot in that kitchen! Or maybe I need to turn down the air conditioning in my apartment. Or maybe I need a date.
After dinner, Jillian and Kip talk about what turns them on. Kiptynitesays that spontaneity is attractive. Jill likes someone who has a big heart and has a good sense of humor. Then she tells Kip that he can look in the mirror to see what she’s attracted to physically.
Kiptynite: “I do have flaws. Of course, it’s not my eight pack. That pretty much sucks the women in. No…my flaw is that I don’t pursue girls. Typically, I see what I want and I go get it. But in relationships, I’m more out of my comfort zone. This was a good exercise for me, so here I am.”
Jillian: “And I’m glad you are here.”
HERE IT COMES! THE HOT MAKE OUT SCENE!
I prepare myself to be embarrassed for this intimate moment by hiding my hands over my eyes. And that’s when I hear it.
I look up to see if they are sucking a long pass-ta string a la Lady and the Tramp and am greeted with some very junior high kissing. It was awkward for me. And we’ve seen these two kiss and, as I recall, I didn’t compare his technique to Bad Ass Brad’s.
Jilly presents him with the rose and they start kissing 101 again. Later, the rose somehow ends up on his hip. I thought that was random, but then got distracted by the couple lounging on the extra large futon that one would normally find in a basement circa 1986. I half expected to hear Journey’s Faithfully or Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time softly playing in the background. Maybe a black light or two?
I have to admit that I was a little let down. Sorry Kip. And it’s not just the fact that you wore your shirt the entire time. I think Reid might be catching up with you my friend.
“Who Can Sweep Me Off My Feet?”
A quick head count and the boys discover that Big Mike and Who Is That Oh Yeah Pizza Guy Mark are the Bachelors up for the two-on-one date. Several exhale a huge sigh of relief. Big Mike tells the camera that he is golden as Gary swings over to get a shot of Who Is That Oh Yeah Pizza Guy Mark looks totally bored and or tired with the entire process.
It was at this point that I knew Big Mike was a goner.
Jillian takes the boys to go curling. You all know what it is. We’ve made fun of this Olympic “sport” forever, yet it pulls us in every four years that it is on the television. But I think the best description was given by Michael:
“It’s shuffle board meets bowling meets ice skating. You hurl a rock down 50 yards of ice. Pretty much nobody knows what they are doing.”
Au contraire mon frère.
Qwahn: “Curling is about flexibility, balance and touch. I have all three.”
His Mama must be so proud.
Jillian announces that the boys will be in a curling competition. They will be divided into two teams, and the group who wins will get a group date with her that night. The others must go home.
TEAM BLUE is Wes, Ed, Reid, Michael and Fetish.
TEAM RED consists of Qwahn, Crazy Dave, Fedora Jesse, ROBBY D!!! and Jake
Michael cracked me up this entire date. He doesn’t take himself too seriously and appears to raise the energy level any time he’s in a room. The others seem to like him as well.
Michael: “Jillian is in spandex and a sweatshirt today. She’s so cute. I just want to pick her up, get a hot chocolate and NOT CURL.”
By the looks of it, Jillian just wants to pat him on the head and give him a lollipop.
I guess something magical is in the fedora, because all Jesse could talk about is that he really, REALLY wanted to win this competition and he was putting his mind, body and soul into getting that little rock into the circle.
Again, we have some amazing insight from Michael:
“Jesse is good at everything. He killed it. He’s a really great guy. Which of course sucks and therefore, I must hate him.”
Thanks to Jesse and his fedora’s skills, the red team wins. Jillian takes them all to an old historic boat for dinner. Jess has changed his lucky fedora for a golfing hat.
I’m not feeling it Jesse. Maybe it’s a wine maker thing and I just don’t understand.
Jillian gives him the MVP award for the day and he drones on about how he carried the team to victory. He was in it to win it. He didn’t just stare up the steps…he stepped up those stairs!
And I’m wondering the whole time if he’s standing on a box or something. Is he really that tall? Is Jilly really that short? Crazy!
After dinner, Jillian said that she and Jake were going to have a little visit. As they were leaving the table, I thought Crazy David smacked her butt. But after a quick rewind, I can confirm he smacked Jake’s butt.
I don’t know why I checked. It didn’t really matter who he smacked. What a cheese ass.
Jake and Jilly sit on a very uncomfortable bench in the hallway and talk about how they haven’t seen each other since the date where he looked up her skirt as she danced on the bar Coyote Ugly style. Ironically, her bra is now showing. To my knowledge, Jake never made eye contact with the push up.
And that’s because he’s a good boy. I mean man. He’s a good man. Maybe too good to be true?
Jilly: “I need to see what everyone is aboot. My first impression of you is that you are too perfect. I’m far from perfect and I want you to know that it’s okay for you to not be perfect. It’s okay to be whoever you are.”
Poor Jake looks like he’s been kicked in the throat and wonders why good guys never finish first. She gives him a pseudo-friend side hug and goes off to find someone who’s more fun.
She finds Jess and his golf hat in a cabin down below sitting on a bed. He tells her how awesome he is for winning the curling match and then rattles on about how Jill is smart, pretty, driven and has a great sense of humor. She giggles and assures him he is not there because of luck. She wants him there.
He decides to go in for the kiss.
It’s as if we are in middle school again! What is it with these boys tonight? And then he brags about how she kissed him back.
Hey Jesse? It’s Lincee. When a girl just sits there and doesn’t do anything with her hands or move her head in any direction during a kiss? That’s not what we would consider kissing back. That’s what we call getting married on the playground in Kindergarten, okay?
The camera cuts to Jillian sitting in what appears to be the dining hall of the boat as Crazy David saunters up to move in for the kill. Straight off the bat, Jillian looks done and I’M LOVING IT!
Jillian admits that she and David behave like buddies, but she’s a little annoyed with his roughing around. She wants a gentleman with a soft side.
And this, my dear readers, is how Crazy David handles his one-on-one time:
“I’m a bad boy. Nobody wants straight lace. I got the first impression rose. There is attraction here. I know that when I saw you in spandex today, I though to myself that your ass was fantastic. Have you ever looked at your ass in the mirror? I’m sure you have. It’s impressive. But is it a cheese ass? I don’t know. I feed off of you. You are so comfortable. [Notices her bra showing again.] Look. You even have your boob out for me.”
I snap my jaw shut in utter disbelief as to what nonsense has come out of this idiot’s mouth.
And then there’s more:
David: “I’m going to kiss you.”
Jillian turning her head: “C’mon now.”
Lincee laughs hysterically and gives Jillian a virtual high five.
David: “Why wouldn’t you kiss me after what I said? Everyone has kissed you.”
Jillian: “No they haven’t.”
David: “YES! Everyone has kissed you except for two people.”
Lincee: “Clearly not the definition of everyone.”
David: “I’ve NEVER been turned down before. If this was in any other situation, I would have kissed you by now. No question.”
I’m going to go ahead and predict that after this show airs, David won’t be kissing girls for a long, long time if they are smart.
He tells the camera that Jillian is playing and she has made this the most exciting game of cat and mouse he’s ever played. He loves it. Game is ON!
The group returns and Jillian gives the rose to Jesse and his golfing hat.
Jesse: “In case you forgot, I won the curling competition. Want to see my trophy? It’s under my hat. I keep it with me at all times, because it reminds me that it’s good to be me.”
Who Is That Oh Yeah Pizza Guy Mark
Big Mike and Pizza Mark are getting ready for their big date. Big Mike is laying on the butch wax pretty thick and Pizza Mark is sporting some rough scruff. By the looks of his droopy eyes, he’s just too tired to get out the straight edge and opts for the electric shaver.
Big Mike spots Jillian and takes off across the meadow to pick her up and twirl. Pizza Mike slowly makes his way to the loving couple, careful not to exert too much energy. Jillian tells the pair that she is going to show them her wonderful city. In a HELICOPTER!
We would get excited about this, but the viewer has already witnessed a helicopter ride in this season. We are left wondering if Our Host Chris Harrison’s brother-in-law recently purchased a helicopter company. I’m going to go with yes.
Jillian walks up to the helicopter and lets Pizza Mark inside. Big Mike uses reality show strategy and hops in after, knowing that Jillian will be forced to sit at the window. He holds her hand the entire time while Pizza Mark catches a few z’s with his head against the window.
Big Mike: “I know it is awkward for everyone for me to be so aggressive. I feel bad for Mark. He’s the Pizza Guy by the way. But I had to hold her hand. That’s how I felt at that moment. I can’t help it. This is REAL to me. You snooze…you lose. Considering who I’m with on this date, I think my chances are pretty good.”
Jillian is looking utterly miserable at dinner. You can tell that she doesn’t like either guy and wants nothing more than to be put to sleep by the sweet sound of Wes’ guitar. Big Mike tells Jillian that he is so attracted to her. He tells her that she is super confident and that turns him on. Jillian admits that she is scared.
Pizza Mark: “Sometimes I just want to buy a dog and move to Alaska. Could I get some coffee over here? Is anyone else tired?”
Big Mike decides to close the deal and tell Jillian that he sees his life with her and that he is here to find his wife. He likes to take big risks and expects big rewards. He pours his heart out for 10 minutes and then Jill hugs his neck.
Annnnnnd Big Mike is done.
The ABC intern punches Pizza Mark awake, gives him some more coffee and motions for him to follow Jillian into the other room for his one-on-one time. Right after you wonder if he’s stoned instead of just tired, he begins to open up a little with a no-nonsense attitude.
Pizza Mark: “I’m not going to be an idiot. I got burned by a cheater. We shared something deep and that’s why it takes me longer to let you in. But I want the rose. These guys are saying that they are in love. I can’t say that. It has nothing to do with you…but me. Love leads to heartache. And that can be intimidating. But love can be found anywhere.”
Jillian: So you believe in love?”
Pizza Mark after a looooong pause: “Absolutely.”
I’m not sure if that was genuine or if he was ready to end this night so he could go back to bed, but all the heartache talk certainly pulled at Jilly’s heart strings.
She ends up giving the rose to Pizza Mark who looked indifferent. Jillian walks Big Mike outside and begins to get teary. He consoles her, crawls into the gondola and gives his exit speech as the contraption descends into the dark night.
Poetry. Sheer poetry.
Back at the hotel suite that has squishy carpet, the guys are waiting in the living area to see which bags are picked up by the bellman. Many are disappointed to find that Big Mike is not coming back. Now who’s going to teach them all to talk like a New Yorker?
All the boys are in their fancy duds…except for Wes…and file out of the suite down to the hotel ballroom. Jill is wearing a sparkly bedazzled dress and insists that tonight is about laughing and having fun.
Jillian says that all she wants to do is snuggle up to Reid and talk. But she knows that this time must be used to play catch up and getting to know him better. She asks how the boys are doing and Reid answers that everyone is anxious. He also lets her know that clicks are being formed.
Reid: “It’s very competitive and diverse. You’d be surprised and have a different idea of who you like I’m sure if you lived with us.”
Jillian: “Like who?”
Reid: “Hey! I’m not going to get beat up by Crazy Dave. I’m sure he has thugs he can call that live in the same city as my Mom and Dad too. I have to protect my family as well as myself. Oh no. Not going there. Let’s play a game. Who was your first crush?”
Jillian: “Oh yah! His name was Mickey Kwiatkowski and he would sing and play his guitar for me after hockey practice.”
Reid’s eyes almost lodged in his sockets from rolling them so far in the back of his head. Can anyone catch a break with the Evil Wes around?
Speaking of, Wes drags Jillian outside to make out and remind her that he still hasn’t finished her song. He’s stuck trying to find a word that rhymes with curling. She swoons and says that he is awesome.
Wes: “Did you think it was cheesey?”
Jillian: “I don’t know one girl who wouldn’t want that song!”
Lincee: “I know about 156 that have a different opinion. Let me direct you to my website…”
Fetish divulges to Jake that he heard Wes had a girlfriend back home. They wonder if Wes is going to man up (1) and tell Jillian.
Wes decides to tell her that he has only been in three relationships and has certainly never cheated. Jillian wonders what will happen when he makes it in the big time. Lincee laughs and points at Jillian for being so funny. Wes says that she should worry about that and begins making out with her.
She then tells the camera that there is depth and maturity there and she can see herself falling in love with him.
I’m not going to comment.
Jilly finds Jake meditating in the hallway and wonders why he has been pulling back. He confesses that when they went on their first date, the air was practically catching on fire. Then, on the boat, she told him that he was too perfect and that he needs to be himself.
Jake: “I hate to break it to you, but that’s pretty much me. You can take or leave the perfection. If you are looking for a boy, you have plenty of those from which to choose. If you are looking for a man, look no further.”
KISS HIM YOU FOOL!
But she doesn’t have the chance. In true Qwahn fashion, he comes up at just the right time and jock blocks Jake’s perfect moment.
Fetish is getting all hot and bothered about the fact that some of these guys have girlfriends. He hates that they are there for the wrong reasons. He’s not here to make friends and he certainly doesn’t give a BLEEP if he makes enemies. Whatever can get him to the feet. Toes are the goal. Remember that.
Fetish throws no one in particular under the bus and tells her that some guys are being fake and have girlfriends. Jillian is upset and hates that people are not being honest. She asks Fetish if he will spill and he says no. He too is afraid of David and his connections.
Before Jillian marches her petite little self into the cocktail party to make an announcement, she asks the ABC intern to tell Our Host Chris Harrison to meet her in the Pier One Bookcase room to discuss options.
“If there is someone here with a hidden agenda, make yourself known. I hear that someone has a girlfriend and others are not here for the right reasons. This is the rudest thing I’ve ever heard. I am a good person. I’m here for a husband. There is not going to be a cocktail party tonight. See you at the rose ceremony. Can someone PLEASE get me Harrison? NO! I DON’T WANT THE ABC PSYCHOTHERAPIST. I WANT HARRISON!”
Jillian marches out of the room. ROBBY D!!! calls someone a BLEEP-head and insists that whoever needs to man up. (2)
The producers find Our Host Chris Harrison, who is napping with Pizza Mark on the couch and force him to talk to Jillian. They are pumped because this is great TV! Scandal!
Hare calms Jillian down and convinces her to sit down for a talk.
Jillian: “I feel cheated. (Gary the ABC camera guy cuts to a shot of Wes on the Pier One bookcase.) My feelings are hurt and I feel that I don’t want to cry over this. They don’t deserve my emotions. It’s a BLEEP and I want them gone.”
Harrison: “Some of these guys…you already adore, right? Will you be heart broken? Will you pick one and then change your mind later at the After the Rose, because that didn’t really work out for us last time and might I remind you that you are contractually obligated to…”
Jillian: “I just want the cheater gone Hare. Can you help me?”
Harrison: “My advice? Silence is deadly. Make them stew in it. I’ll handle this. Trust me.”
Jillian looks at the ABC Psychotherapist who gives a little reassuring smile and reluctantly follows Our Host into the ballroom.
Harrison: “OK. Jillian is PISSED. You guys need to man up (3) and just confess who has the girlfriend. C’mon. Let’s get this out in the open. If you have something to say…just say it.”
Jillian looks at Harrison.
Our Host stares the men down.
The Bachelors fidget and clear their throats.
Jillian looks as if she wants to speak.
Hare shakes his head ever-so-slightly, encouraging her to hold her ground.
No one is talking. Until…
Jake: “I do have something I want to say. I’m here to find love and I would be really pissed if I knew someone with a girlfriend was here taking my time away from Jill. Be a man and step up. I’d like to know who you are. Man up. (4)”
Fetish is about to hurl.
Harrison maintains his gaze.
Jillian opens her mouth to speak.
Harrison growls at her.
Ed: “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
ROBBY D!!!: “Whoever you are, I think you are a coward. I don’t deal well with cowards.”
Wes: “I’m clean.”
Lincee: “Good to know. I would have figured you had an STD. Did I say that out loud?”
David: “I know how it can be resolved easy. Tell me who said it.”
Fetish begins sweating bullets.
Qwahn looks at Fetish.
Fetish yells at Qwahn, “Stop looking at me!”
Harrison decides the men are not man enough to man up (5) and asks Jillian if she is ready to make her rose choices.
Jillian: “No. No I’m not. I need to step out for a minute.”
After another round of asking each other to man up (6) Jillian returns with her decision.
Jillian: “Thanks so much guys.”
Lincee: “Uhm…for what?”
Jillian: “Nobody expects to find love here, but it happens. Ever heard of a little couple named Trista and Ryan? I want my own Bachelor babies. And I want ABC to pay for my wedding. I mean business, so next time when Harrison asks you to man up (7) you’d better MAN UP! (8)”
Roses go to:
Jesse the Fedora Wearing Freak
Michael (now that Big Mike is gone will be known as Mikey Mike)
I’m quite convinced that Fetish and Jillian made a deal off-camera. He will be the mole and trade secrets in exchange for some foot time.
Qwahn and Crazy David are out. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in THAT bus ride home!
Crazy David asks her why he was given the ole heave ho. She says that she doesn’t know. GAME OVER DAVEY!!!! He gets the crazy eyes going and tells the camera that Qwahn is going down for throwing him under the bus.
What a cheese ass.
Jill thanks the boys for putting up with her and encourages them all to put the weirdness behind them. She wants them to get excited, because they are all going to Whistler and someone gets to take a helicopter ride to her own personal glacier.
There better be hot tubs at these wintery places. I’m just sayin’.
All about the shame, not the fame,