After The Final Rose
It is totally sad that the first line of my notes reads:
“Spotted—three women sporting a Bumpit in the audience.”
We were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for most of this show. Our Host Chris Harrison was looking dashing as usual as he welcomed Melissa back to the same exact sound stage in which she had experienced national humiliation almost a year ago. Don’t worry if you forgot what that moment was like, because Hare walked us down memory lane again.
When Melissa watched her old self get dumped, I noticed something different about her face. I couldn’t really put my finger on it, but I’m quite positive Melissa Ro got a little Bo. There was something plasticy about her face that didn’t sit right. Our Host congratulated her on the many successes she’s accomplished, including her Dancing with the Stars gig, her Good Morning America job and her recent engagement to an ex-boyfriend who Melissa assures us was her BFF the entire time she was on the show.
After the break, Our Host brings Kiptynite out to face the crowd. Sadly, he has his shirt on. They show a five-minute montage of Kip and Jillian kissing: in a kayak, in the pool, on the couch, standing up, horizontal, in a tree, under a table, standing on totem poles…it was special. I love the picture-in-picture so we can see Kip’s live face reacting to his pier rejection face. Hare was in rare form:
OHCH: “So you’ve never had your heart broken before now, huh?”
Kip: “That’s right.”
OHCH: “Sucks doesn’t it? Did you gain a few pounds and listen to sappy music?”
Kip: “Actually, I did gain weight. About five pounds of muscle. And my workout music was set to Europe’s “The Final Countdown” and the Rocky theme song.”
OHCH: “No Celine Dion? That’s weird. I bet you had bowls and bowls of Bluebell homemade ice cream. With chocolate sauce? Gets me every time.”
Kip: “Nope. I allowed myself one treat per week. A caramel rice cake after push ups. It’s a risk, but I need to be kind to my soul right now. I’m healing a broken heart.”
Harrison rolls his eyes and invites Jillian out to the hot seat in order to spice the show up a bit. Jillian bounces on set in a white outfit and claims over and over again that she is nervous. Harrison asks Jillian if she’s been nervously eating in anticipation of seeing Kip again. She assures him that her diet of bird seed and sugar water has remained the same.
Hare takes a quick swig from his hip flask and presses on.
OHCH: “The girl who broke your heart is sitting right here. How do you feel Kip?”
Kip: “I would never do anything to hurt Jillian. I just want to know what went wrong?”
Jillian: “I had to do a lot of fishing to try and make you say what I needed you to say. And those abs were so distracting! Don’t you dare whip them out right now! I’m an engaged woman!”
Kip pulls his t-shirt back down in defeat.
OHCH: “Do you regret anything Kip?”
Kip: “It doesn’t matter that I didn’t say I loved her earlier. Because when I say it…I mean it.”
The entire audience busts out in unison with an affectionate, “Awwwwwww.”
Jillian: “I hope he’s okay and I want him to be happy and I want him to fall in love.”
OHCH: “You do realize that he is sitting right there, don’t you Jillian?”
Hare takes us to break and returns with an empty seat, ready to welcome my Reid. He’s looking great with the tasseled hair and sheepish grin. The audience goes nuts and Our Host calls him Mr. Popularity.
Hare takes him down memory lane and we see through picture-in-picture that Reid looks rather embarrassed. I’m guessing he was re-thinking his footwear choice during the blessed event, but we can overlook that because he’s so dang adorable.
OHCH: “How are you feeling buddy?”
Reid: “It’s hard to watch. I was denied twice. I never thought I would lose her again.”
OHCH: “But we’re still on for drinks tonight, right?”
OHCH: “So you really thought that she would fall in love with you and accept your proposal on the spot. Did you forget about the two other guys?”
Reid: “In my head, there was only me. When I saw her, she put her hand on her heart and I thought that I had it in the bag.”
For the second time, the audience swoons with a glorious, “Awwwwwww!”
Hare calls Jillian out so he can watch his new BFF squirm in awkward nervousness. Reid wonders if Jillian was confused. Jillian said there is nothing that could change the way she felt about Ed. Reid admits that he still loves Jillian. Jillian says she’s hurt for Reid but very blessed in her own life and let’s face it…the show is called THE BACHELORETTE.
Reid: “I do have a question, but it’s about the fantasy suite. And that’s just wrong.”
And this ladies and gentlemen…is why we love Reid.
Jillian looks like she is fake laughing because she didn’t get the joke as Hare calls up an audience member to ask Reid a question. I believe I’m exaggerating when I guesstimate her age to be in the pre-teen phase. She giggles and asks Reid if he is dating anyone and if he would like to go on a date with her.
Wisely, Reid flashes his adorable grin and asks how old the fetus is. Everyone laughs. Because Reid is awesome.
Later, Harrison talks to Jillian alone and reminds her that she swore just minutes before getting engaged. She admits that she understood this was a two-way street and that Ed may not get down on one knee and sometimes, a good old fashioned F#@% is exactly what is needed in that moment. But now she is ready to go public with her Greg Brady look-alike.
Ed hops out from behind the partition, picks up his fiancé and twirls her around. She squeals like a dolphin. Hare rolls his eyes and pops a “happy” pill in his mouth so he can get through the remainder of the interview without throwing up.
Ed admits that he knew he was going to propose in Spain. He claims that Jill will be moving in with him in Chicago and that their families are very excited. He promises the network that they will be married in the next 12 months.
Harrison pulls up another audience member who asks about Ed’s green shorty shorts.
Jillian: “I loved them.”
OHCH: “You did NOT love those things. You are a LIAR!”
Ed: “They looked a lot longer in the store.”
OHCH: “Seriously. Dude. Enough with the mankini shorts. It’s over. Don’t’ ever wear them again.”
Jillian: “He has a blue pair too.”
Hare begins to walk around the set to calm down when another audience member asks a very lame question:
AM: “How are things in the bedroom?”
Seriously ABC? Seriously? We are talking about this? And Jillian is babbling on about how great things are? Is no one embarrassed at what she is saying? Is there no dignity any more? Do we really need to know how things are in the bedroom? Do we really care?
I’m going with no.
Our Host pours a bucket of ice over Jillian and Ed so they can maintain focus for the slam bam finish.
OHCH: “A great country and western singer once said that love don’t come easy. We wish you the best.”
This is why I heart Chris Harrison.
Long live our host!
AND NOW FOR SOME RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENTS!
- As you all know, webMAN hijacked my site and posted something about pimping me out. He’s has wanted to do this forever and I think I’ve finally caved. I don’t know what this will look like, but I think it will be fairly similar to Big Pimpin’ posts of before. It makes my throat thick to think about it. Say a prayer for me please.
- Speaking of Big Pimpin’, I will have an update on Sergeant Cole and Lawrence this week. Things are going well for my boys!
- I will also be filling you in on how my friend lost a ton of weight.
- My mission trip to Qubah was intense. Lots of fun stories and pictures. Stay tuned for that!
- Six words: New Kids on the Block Concert. Oh. My. Awesomeness.
As you can see, there is still a ton to fill you in on in my life. I want to thank each one of you for visiting the site and making my day with your emails, FB messages and comments. I am truly blessed and have you all to thank for it!
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,