Always a drunk bridesmaid…never a bride
The opening of last night’s episode promised us petty fights, revealed truths and hurt feelings. Several themes popped up over and over throughout the two hour ordeal. For instance, the words “chopping block” and “target on my back” and some derivative of the word “ass” were uttered no less than 243 times. A collective total of 17 minutes was dedicated to someone crying either in a broom closet or bathtub. And Wes Hayden is neither acting like a douchebag nor a country and western opening act.
Welcome back to the Bachelor Pad.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin with the contestants slowly making their way inside from the glistening rose ceremony driveway for the producer-mandated post-mortem session. All gather around as the ABC intern passes out more alcoholic beverages. Crazy Dave knocks back a shot of tequila, Natalie opts for an entire bottle of bourbon, Tenley cuddles up to her warm glass of whole milk and Jesse B. nips some moonshine from the flask his granddaddy gave him on his thirteenth birthday. The others guzzle their champagne in awkward silence.
After confessing to the camera that he thinks Gia is definitely worth exploring the possibility of being the inspiration for another tattoo but not in a “guard and protect your heart” kind of way, Wes finally speaks:
Wes: “Can we stop bending over and blowing smoke up everyone’s asses?”
No one knows what he’s talking about except Jesse B, who has literally been on the giving and receiving end of this exact endeavor on more than one occasion in Peculiar, Missouri.
Crazy David: “Dude. We have to send someone home, jackass.”
Wes: “Why are you calling me a jackass?”
Crazy: “Because it’s a stupid statement, jackass.”
Wes: “Don’t call me a jackass.”
Crazy: “Or what?”
Wes: “Or what? OR WHAT?”
Crazy: “We have to vote someone off. DUH.”
Crazy Dave storms off. The ABC Psychotherapist secretly applauds herself for slipping a little St. John’s Wort into Dave’s morning protein shake. Natalie defends her secret boyfriend by reminding us that this competition is all about relationship building and that Wes has officially been given an invitation to the chopping block courtesy of the Plastics.
Wes tells Jesse B. that Dave is a disrespectful bully. He’s all bark and no bite. He thinks that Dave needs to have his arse whipped. Jesse tells Wes that he’s pretty sure he saw a whip in Natalie luggage if he is serious.
Just as everyone is about to head to the kitchen to take two aspirin, the door bell rings. Nikki and her boobs return from the foyer with a big basket full of clip boards and a box of pens.
Nikki and her boobs: “Please complete the attached survey alone and keep your answers confidential.”
Tenley immediately begins crying. Krisily explains that the questions are all about what the housemates think of each other. They are straight up awkward and inappropriate and it’s going to get nasty when the answers are revealed.
Let’s take a moment and pause at the brilliance of this competition, shall we? After a grueling rose ceremony where emotions are raw, cases and cases of alcohol have been consumed and the fact that it’s more than likely three o’clock in the morning, I’m glad to know that the Bachelor Pad producers chose to introduce this survey when our contestants are well-rested with all their faculties firing sharp and precise accuracies.
My hat’s off to you Mike Fleiss. You’re dirty and gross, but definitely inspired.
The next morning is intense. Crazy Dave and Natalie work to get Wes out of the house. Mourning his foul-mouthed guidette, Wes takes some time to reflect life, love and other mysteries in the hot tub. You can almost see the wheels in his head turning as he mentally composes his next big hit:
“They say don’t be alone in a hot tub
In nothing but your underwear
But you are with me in spirit
I’m your modern day Shakespeare”
There will be a steel guitar and fiddle in the chorus. He will title it “GIA.” Although the ballad will not appear on the Billboard charts in Chihuahua, Mexico, it will be very big in Sicily.
Melissa enters the mansion looking professional and just shy of an eating disorder. She encourages the contestants to follow her outside where benches and miniature dry erase boards have been set out for everyone. Harrison, looking eager in a gray Henley, greets the group with a dazzling smile.
OHCH: “Getting today’s rose is easy. Just tell the truth. Remember last night when you filled out a questionnaire?”
Indeed, half of the group does not remember filling out said questionnaire.
OHCH: “When Melissa asks a question, I’m going to try and hold it together and not laugh or point as you guys figure out what the MAJORITY vote would be to that particular question. If you get it right, you get a point. First to four points wins. Comprende?”
When they are not squinting from the sun, most of the contestants look nervous, except for Tenley who is already crying.
Melissa: “Who do most of you believe is going to win?”
It’s almost Kip across the board. Naturally, he was the correct answer. For the 74th time of the night, Kip tells us that he’s flattered, but feels like there is a big target on his back now.
Melissa: “Who is your biggest enemy?”
Wes answers Dave. Dave answers, “Wes sucks.” And the rest of the group answers Krisily.
Melissa: “Who is the most shallow?”
It’s a tie between Krisily and Elizabeth, but Elizabeth was the winner with an amazing acceptance speech: “I don’t consider myself shallow. I don’t know what that means.”
Melissa: “Who is the dumbest?”
The guys voted Natalie all the way across the board. Even Natalie voted for herself. She fake giggles and tells Harrison that she’s happy she got the point.
OHCH: “Au contraire mon frère. We haven’t revealed the resident dingbat yet. That honor goes to Gwen.”
With this news, it is revealed that Princess Tenley was the first to reach four points and therefore wins the competition and the love of all the people in the land.
Tenley: “I’m so excited, yet my heart hurts. The way I won was by putting someone down and that’s not nice.”
Tenley retreats to the kitchen with her woodland friends to bake everyone a pie when she’s not washing, mending and ironing their clothes or scrubbing the floors.
The rose for the men is still up for grabs.
Melissa: “Who do you secretly have a crush on?”
Each guy voted for Dave, including Dave. I totally am not getting the attraction.
Melissa: “Who will be a bridesmaid and never a bride?”
Each guy votes for Natalie. She looks devastated that her secret boyfriend would vote for her. She tries to hold it together. She looks even more hurt when her secret boyfriend thanks her during his moment of triumph.
Wes: “Natalie likes to party. She’ll have to find a guy who can hang with that lifestyle.”
At this point, Jesse B, Kovacs and Dave are tied.
Melissa: “Who is considered to be the biggest jerk?”
Jesse B writes his answer in record time. The peanut gallery reveals two votes for Dave and two votes for Wes. The correct answer? Wes.
Unfortunately, Wes was the only one who didn’t see that coming. I myself was a bit shocked, but again—this is a land where girls crush on Dave. I’m clearly not drinking their Kool-Aid. Kovacs and Jesse both have four points. It’s a tie breaker!
Melissa: “Who has the worst boob job?”
Let the record show that Harrison’s face was AWESOME during this question. Kovacs pays no attention and begins studying the rack of all the girls across from him. He knows that he should write about Elizabeth’s botched boob job, but if he writes her name down, she would be mad. However, he could win the rose and save them both for the next round.
Decisions are the worst.
Kovacs chooses Krisily. Jesse chooses Elizabeth and demands that Harrison gives him the rose before we even know that Elizabeth is indeed the winner.
Kovacs: “I blew it. I want to win, but I understand that there are other things in life that are important. Like relationships. And my balls. They last a lot longer than money.”
Harrison congratulates Tenley and Jesse for the win and explains that they will both have a one-on-one date where they can choose to extend a rose or not. Everyone waits for their dismissal and the crowd rushes to different hiding places in the mansion. Wes heads back to the hot tub, strips down to his grey boxer briefs and starts thinking of words that rhyme with Gia. Krisily mopes in her bed. Nikki tells her troubles to her best friend in the mirror. Elizabeth searches for an empty broom closet and settles for a butler’s pantry. Kovacs searches for Elizabeth. Dave is jazzed that he’s the house crush and tells Peyton that all the girls are crying in the house. The ever-normal Peyton says, “really?” and finishes her thumb wrestling match with Jesse B. Crickets chirp when Ashley’s face is on the screen and Natalie finds sanctuary behind the shower curtain and is ticked with Gwen and the ABC camera man wiggle in to share the space.
Natalie: “Guys think I’m a flirt. But I put that stereotype on myself. I never want commitment or relationships. I don’t want to be hurt or vulnerable. I want to be a great wife and mom. I just need to find someone who is open to who I am and knock off this stereotype.”
Thank you for watching ABC’s Back to School Special: The Natalie Getz Story – How I Turned Down the Booze and Turned Up the Charm to Land a Man.
We now return to your regularly scheduled program.
David admits to the camera that he feels bad that Natalie is upset.
Dave: “It’s bad that I can’t talk to her because of the huge target on my back. But Natalie is great. She’s fun, athletic and we are in a relationship. But seriously…why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
Tenley overhears the conversation and brings a confused Dave a glass of warm milk and a flower she picked from the meadow out back.
Meanwhile, the camera follows Kovacs knocking on every door in the mansion until he finds Elizabeth crying in the pantry with a green dish towel over her face.
Kovacs: “Don’t take it personally Elizabeth. Everyone just had to put an answer down. You are not shallow.”
Elizabeth: “I’m crying because everyone thinks my boobs are awful you idiot! I know I’m not shallow!”
Kovacs: “Your boobs are fabulous. They feel like perky tennis balls. Sure on cold days, one points northeast and the other northwest, but at least they are pointing north! Seriously. Those other girls are jealous of your looks and personality. Their envy makes you an obvious choice.”
Kovacs admits to the camera that seeing Elizabeth so upset broke his heart. He knows that he cares about her now. He wants her to know she has nothing to feel insecure about. He came to win money, but now he just wants to leave a better person.
Suddenly, the there is a knock on the door and Tenley skips out to fetch the date card. She leaves the podium.
One-On-One Date One
Tenley and Kip
Get Ready For An Island Escape For Two
Tenley tells the group that it was a hard decision for her to not tell Kip earlier in the day when she won the contest that she was going to choose him as her date. She agrees to leave all talking woodland creatures in the cupboard beside her bed and focus strictly on Kip for the next 12 hours.
Tenley pirouettes out to the waiting limo in her white shorty shorts fluttering her false eyelashes. They pair spot a helicopter and embrace, hug and twirl when they find they are going to Catalina for their date. Tenley talks about taking a leap of faith with Kip.
Of course we all expected bungee jumping with that intro, but instead with get zip lining. Alas, we have to suffer through just a few more life imitating art phrases:
With Kip here, I have the courage to leap.
Zip lining is like our relationship…you leave everything behind, lean forward and just go for it.
Flying through the trees reminded me that our relationship is going to new heights.
And then there was silence. I literally had to mute the television because the sound that issued forth from Tenley’s vocal chords as she flung down the line will always haunt me. It was like a baby giraffe screaming. “Baby” being the operative word.
I turn up the volume on my TV when I see Kip’s hand on Tenley’s thigh as they drink wine on a cliff.
Kip: “There is a lot of pressure that comes with this game, but for the first time, I’m not thinking.”
Tenley: “I’m glad you aren’t thinking. We need to have a good time and just feel.”
Kip lets her feel his tongue down her throat. She pulls away, winks at the tiny red crab at the edge of the water and breaks out in spontaneous song:
“I don’t know when
I don’t know how
But I know something’s starting right now!
Watch and you’ll see
Someday I’ll be
Part of your…WORLD!”
Kip misunderstood the end of her song and tells the camera that he is also ready to rock Tenley’s world in the fantasy suite.
Later that night, Tenley tells the random deer walking along on the beach to run along to the forest so she can have some alone time with her Prince. Kip admits that he has been keeping her at arm’s length, but now he’s ready to explore something more. Something he’s only dreamed about.
Tenley: “Oh Kip. A dream…is a wish…your heart makes…”
Kip shuts her up with some good old fashioned kissing. It’s time to give him the date rose, which is like proposing in fairy tale land. Tenley musters up her best baby talk voice and asks him to accept the rose…her heart…so they can live happily ever after. Kip accepts and waits patiently for the booty card to make an appearance.
Tenley reads the forgo date card and asks Kip if he would like to join her. He said that the idea sounds perfect.
Tenley: “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart. I’m ready to open up again.”
Too easy. Not going to go there.
Kip escorts Tenley to the forgo card fantasy suite. He’s secretly relieved that the gerbils following Tenley around are just friends of hers. He knew he wanted to take it to the next level, but there are some lines that need to be drawn.
The next morning, Tenley is excited to share with all the people in the land that she is dating Prince Charming. Kip puts the kibosh on that thought instantly.
Kip: “Look. We’re going to have to put our game face on.”
Tenley: “But today is a whole new world! There are a hundred thousand things to see. I’m like a shooting star! I’ve come so far! I can’t go back to where I used to be…take it away Kip!”
Kip: “Calm down Tenderella. We have to keep this under wraps.”
Tenley: “But it’s soooooooo hhhhhhaaaaaaarrrrrrrddd.”
Kip: “That’s what she said. Now come on!”
Tenley immediately begins crying because she has to keep her love for Prince Charming a secret. Dave can see right through it and high fives Kip for sealing the deal.
One-On-One Date Two
Jesse and Peyton
The Sky’s The Limit
Jesse is ready for his second one-on-one date with Peyton. Peyton is ready to build on what they started in the fantasy suite (read: guest bedroom) a few days before. They drive to an airplane hanger where an old black and white biplane is waiting to take them to new heights.
Jesse is like a kid in a candy store. He wants to barrel role. He wants to fly upside down. He wants to fight the Red Baron. Peyton thinks this is endearing.
During their moderate date in the airplane hanger because ABC’s entire budget was spent on helicopters, zip lining and fantasy suites for the Plastics on Catalina Island, Peyton learns that Jesse’s favorite foods are steak and potatoes. She reveals that she would choose something like funnel cake and corny dogs.
Jesse finds this very attractive because that’s exactly what they serve each October at Western Days in Peculiar in which dozens of men from surrounding counties come and re-enact the Civil War Battle of Boonville. (Or is that just Hallsville?)
In fact, he’s so impressed with Peyton that he gives her the rose early in the date. Peyton is so happy, she makes Jesse a martini. Just as she is about to suggest they discuss the US combat mission in Iraq, Jesse takes control of the conversation and steers it in an interesting direction.
By burping in her face.
I have to say, for the next 10 minutes, I didn’t take a single note. I was mesmerized by this confusing interchange as much as I am still mesmerized by Jennifer Grey’s nose. Sure nobody puts Baby in a corner anymore. Because they’d bet their life savings that Jennifer Grey is not Baby!
I rewound my DVR and started again. Yep. It appears that Jesse has no problem belching and blowing the remnants of said belch when Peyton is sitting right there trying to be romantic.
Peyton: “You are too cute to burp in a girl’s face.”
Jesse: “You expect me to keep it bottled in?”
Peyton: “Um. YES I DO.”
Jesse: “You’re eyes are so awesome.”
Peyton softens a little and is ready to forgive and forget.
Jesse: “They are the reason you are on this date tonight.”
He laughs at himself and chews a chimichanga with his mouth wide open before sticking his own finger up Peyton’s nose. Peyton freaks out, looks at Jesse as if he is on crack and sips her martini. Jesse makes fun of her. Peyton reminds him that you do not chug a martini and Jesse wonders aloud who in their right mind would drink a martini when there is good beer to be consumed? Since there is no beer or Slurpee machine, he plays his own version of suicide and pours vodka in with his champagne.
Peyton: “I think Jesse’s true personality is finally coming out. He stuck his dirty finger up my nose. Who does that? I’ve always been a guy’s girl, but we were on a date. I want to feel special. Jesse is treating me like a little sister and that makes me want to treat him like a brother. It’s not romantic at all. I hope he doesn’t throw up on me tonight.”
Jesse tells Peyton that he’s having the best date of his life. Then he pulls her hair and kicks her in the shin. Peyton knows that she has to keep her head in the game, but when the forgo fantasy card date arrives, she just can’t force herself to go back to the guest bedroom at the mansion and stay with Jesse. Jesse appears somewhat disappointed. He decides to shoot paper wads in Peyton’s hair the entire ride home.
Dave: “No girl wants to date a sarcastic little brother figure who throws rocks and pulls her hair. It’s like mixing champagne and vodka.”
After sitting through six minutes of the Dancing with the Stars press conference to learn this season’s cast of characters, we find Tenley sneaking kisses under the cabana with Kip. Then they discuss which girl will be voted off the island—Krisily or Gwen. Inside, Krisily is the ring-tail leader of sending Kovacs home. Nikki’s boobs, Gwen and What’s-Her-Face agree. One of the couples is going down tonight!
Kovacs shows Dave the target on his back and admits that there is nothing Dave can do to keep him safe. Dave decides to take matters into his own hands and sweet talk one of the girls into coming over to the dark side. Surely his title of “House Crush” will allow him to woo the weakest link. He storms off to hunt for the injured gazelle.
Inside, Wes is trying to figure out a way to stay at the house. After shooting himself in the foot practically lecturing anyone who would listen that the couples need to be broken, he compares the task he has before him as a job. He laments that some people came here just to party. But this is hard work that needs to be taken seriously.
For the first time this season, we see Wes in a legitimate suit. He comments on how sexy Krisily looks and chooses to not mention how Gwen’s neck appears to be weighed down by a rather ginormous turquoise necklace. Harrison enters to room and a hush falls over the crowd as he clinks the champagne glass.
It’s time to vote.
Gwen, What’s Her Face, Nikki and Nikki’s boobs all decide to stick with the plan and vote for Kovacs. Tenley, Natalie, Elizabeth and Elizabeth’s wonky boobs vote for Wes Hayden.
That leaves one person. Krisily. The wounded, weak gazelle. Crazy Dave squirts some Axe on his juiced out pecs, pops a spearmint Tic Tac and goes in for the kill. Somehow, he convinces Krisily that the Plastics have talked and because she is super honest and speaks her mind in a way that is not annoying or emasculating at all, they are going to let her be a Junior Plastic. He will make sure that Gwen is voted off if she keeps Kovacs around. She immediately takes off her hoop earrings and promises to wear pink the next day. He gives her a token peck on the cheek and heads off to find his bros.
Dave: “Good news bros. Krisily is keeping Kovacs.”
Kovacs: “Awesome. So we vote for Gwen and we are all here to see another day.”
Kip: “I like Gwen. She hasn’t ever done anything to me. I can’t in good conscious vote her off and be okay with myself before when I wake up in the morning?”
Kovacs assumes Tenley’s essence has literally rubbed off on Kip and begins pacing in agitation. Crazy Dave breathes in through the nose and out the mouth and offers to vote however Kip wants…as long as they all vote together.
The group puts on their rain boots and sloshes out to the freshly sprayed driveway. Harrison reminds us that Tenley, Peyton, Kiptyn and Jesse all have roses. The remaining go to:
What’s Her Face
OHCH: “Krisily. I assume you have something you’d like to say?”
Krisily: “I’m not going to cry if that’s what you mean. I am just angry. I put faith in people that weren’t there for me. I’ve been nothing but honest and no one is honest with me.”
Wes and Jesse take great pride in announcing that they didn’t vote for Krisily.
Krisily: “I wish good look for anyone who is not Kovacs, Elizabeth, Kiptyn or Tenley. They will be the final four and no one has the guts to separate you guys.”
Said the girl who moments ago voted for Kovacs.
Krisily storms off to her limo, flipping everyone off through the sun roof. Wes leaves with a little bit of class, without a mention that he had/has a girlfriend back home this time as he leaves the Bachelor premise.
Wes: “I chose to separate myself. All the cool kids wanted to party. I was real up front from the beginning that we needed to get rid of couples. Nobody listened. I bet Krisily voted for me, because she thought they had their backs. Oh well.”
Question: Do we feel comfortable raising our children and future children in a world where Wes Hayden is right?
Next week, ABC makes room for Dancing With the Stars and forces The Bachelor Pad to vote off three people at the next rose ceremony. There is good news though. If I’m not mistaken, we could have our first sighting of Kip’s abs! FINALLY!
All about the shame, not the fame,