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And All That Sass

Friday, October 19, 2012 @ 01:10 PM
Author: Lincee

Being single in your 30s.  What a life!

It’s a special season when you find yourself eating from a drive-thru menu more often than your kitchen table because it’s cheaper than buying groceries and is less taxing than washing dirty dishes.  Embarking on a road trip to a not-too-distant dive bar in order sing along with a classic country artist from 1982 is not unthinkable just because it’s a week night.  And instead of posting an adorable picture of a Halloween costume constructed in 15 easy steps using household items (thanks Pinterest!) on Facebook, we singles post pictures of our new baby…darling boots we just scored on sale at Zappos.com because we are too busy being fabulous and single to shop at real stores.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.  There are a few lows living in the single world.  And those lows come in the form of online dating.  But with every low, there’s an incredible opportunity to grasp that silver lining, turn that annoyed frown upside down and use the moment for good.

We must blog about it.

My friend Sarah has MASTERED online dating and is conveniently sharing her wisdom. For those of you reading who are not single, trust me.  You must commit these online dating DON’Ts to memory and share them with the single men in your life.  Then we will all join hands, send up a prayer and trust that the good Lord is preparing a manly man for me who has never, ever considered taking a profile picture of himself touching a pair of what appears to be a statue of large testicles.

Oh yeah.  This is happening.  Click HERE to read all about it.

9 Responses to “And All That Sass”

  1. Reece says:

    Praise be that I am no longer single, and I thank my husband every day for saving me from that special little hell that is called “on-line dating.” Oy. Your friend’s blog brings all those painful moments back to me…those moments of thinking “REALLY?! This is really what the dating world has to offer me?”

  2. carissa says:

    honestly, that cracked me up. i admit, i refuse to online date. i mean, who wants to work that hard? not me. but i’m sure glad your friend is. cause that was FUNNY!!!

  3. AKing says:

    whoops, just spent over an hour reading her blog — soooooo hilarious!

  4. SusieQ says:

    Soooo funny! I can see why you two are friends—you have the same wonderful and witty sense of humor!

  5. Connie says:

    Oh my. Thank you for truly validating the fact that on-line dating is painful. I have been doing it far longer than I would like to admit! My top 3 in no particular order:

    I’m early in the process. First date. Man has many nice photos posted of a young looking 30 something w/great hair. I can appreciate a man who takes care of himself. We meet. He tells me his pics were from high school graduation? He is almost without any hair, 60 pounds heavier and still lives with his mother. I smile and act cordial. My mother raised me right. He asks me to see a matinee and I being new at this, say “ok” so as not to hurt his feelings. On the way to the theater, I’m in the passenger seat. (NO Ladies, do not ride w/them the first couple dates!) and what seems like contents of a garage are in the back seat. With every turn I hear things clamoring from one side of the back seat to the other. He jokes that he has everything back there including the “kitchen sink”. I turn around for a quick glance. Sure enough, there IS a sink in his back seat. After the movie he tells me I am not only the nicest woman he’s ever met but the nicest person he’s ever met. “You had no comments about my male pattern baldness, or my old car” he says. I thank him for the opportunity to get to know him and tell him I do not feel the spark I am looking for. Lessons learned people!

    Date Two. He is younger than myself. I can keep up with a younger man. They also have no ex-wife or children from a previous marriage, so it can be a bit easier. He agrees to meet in my home town as he’s driving through from working north of there that afternoon. We meet at my favorite local hang-out. (Ladies, never meet up where you’re sure to see some of your friends on the first date! It just makes an awkward situation even worse) He greets me inside in a suit that is 3 times too big. The arms are flopping like a scarecrow, and he obviously likes what he sees as he muckles onto me with a giant polyester hug that refuses to let go. My eyes dart around the restaurant bar.. praying I will not see my girlfriend’s laughing and pointing. He proceeds to drink more than he should, while I keep a sober watchful eye. He ends up excusing himself from the table many times and finally admits that his irritable bowel syndrome is acting up due to his nerves. I empathize, yet I’m still vehemently turned off. I stand to put my coat on upon departure and he pulls me into his lap. Before I know, I’m stuck in his grasp with legs flailing to escape. I’m horrified when the waitress comes back with his credit card and asks him to sign. More horrified that the whole restaurant is getting a chuckle at my expense. I finally escape, he goes to use the bathroom one more time and asks me to wait. We walk to my vehicle and I thank him for making the effort and before I know it, his tongue is down my throat. I actually gag. I tell him that I really have to go. He yells out, “I will call you soon!”. Yes, he calls me before I’m home the 10 minutes to my condo. I don’t answer. The next morning I receive a text message with more swear words in it than I even am familiar with. He continues to berate me about leading him on, wasting his time, etc, until I figure out how to block his number on my cell phone.

    The third date is a cowboy/pilot from Texas who is flying into Portland, Maine that weekend and would like to take me to dinner. We have great chit-chat on the phone and I am really looking forward to meeting this cowboy. He lets me pick the Italian restaurant in my hometown. Upon meeting him, I realize that he has lost a lot of weight since his pictures were posted. His beautiful Stetson hate dwarfs him and I wonder why he looks 6 inches shorter than his picture. Two of his thighs equal one of my legs. He tells me he is so happy w/meeting me that he “could do a back flip”. I pray he won’t do a back flip for fear he will break in two if he lands wrong. I order a light meal so as not to cost him much and he sits and watches me eat while he drinks a glass of water. He proceeds to tell me he is not a big fan of food or eating and finds that most people eat way more than they should. I feel guilty and drop the dinner roll. He assures me he will be back in Maine very soon and would love to take me out to dinner again?? I thank him kindly but let him know that I do not feel the spark I am looking for.

    Hold on tight to your husbands, Married Ladies, even when they drive you crazy!!

  6. ILG says:

    These are too funny! @Connie – hilarious! I’m so sorry you had to endure that! Makes for a good story though.

    I tried online dating for a while and though I didn’t find my Mr. Right, I met some really great guys…some I’ve become friends with. I have no horror stories and honestly, each guy I met was pretty great. I just didn’t feel anything more than a friendship with any of them. The only one I did see potential with never called me back.

    But I have many friends who have met amazing men online, got married and are very happy. There are so many crazies out there, but if you’re selective and use some of the better sites, you’ll meet some great guys.

    I’m currently dating a guy that I met at church, but if it doesn’t work out, I’d be open to dating online again….just have to go into it with the right expectations.

  7. Cassie says:

    Lincee – Sarah’s website is hysterical and totally addictive.

    Connie – SO funny. Thanks for showing exactly why I don’t internet date.

  8. Lass says:

    OMG, i have tried Match.com and eHarmon.com and most guys are just awful. If I don’t see another pic of a man in front of his car/boat/motorcycle/ I will die happy.

  9. AmyA says:

    this makes me want to do something especially nice for my husband!

    it also encourages me to do something extra nice for my single friends who have/are online dating!

    thanks for adding some fun to my day, lincee! as always, IHGB is good for my soul!


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