Andy Loves the Women!
I’d rather be writing about other important things going on in my life.
– Are you buying the George and Izzie attraction?
– Are we pumped that Jim asked Pam on their first real date?
– Where is Pocola, Arkansas, and why do I have to go there this week?
– Will you be tuning in to “So You Think You Can Dance” on Thursday night?
– Pirates 3…opening weekend…Johnny Depp…hot…I’m there
– Is it wrong that I think Harry Potter is cute?
– Are you stocking up on Spring Oreos because the next holiday is Halloween?
– “Lost Without You” by Robin Thicke…playing on iTunes right now…swoon!
But alas. You are here to talk about Lieutenant Andy “I Tell Everyone I Love Them” Baldwin and how he picked Tessa to be his military wife in Hawaii.
Bachelor finales are always deflating to me. Especially when we know who he is going to pick. Two hours of Hawaiian landscape, boring family conversations and professions of love is a little much, don’t you agree? What am I supposed to write about? Nothing was funny…
Therefore, I feel a Top 14 list is only appropriate for my final thoughts on this amazing, wonderful, awesome show.
Eight years— The last time Andy brought someone home
Lincee: Great Gatsby? I’m just saying…
1987—The sister should re-think her earrings
Bevin Nicole: “I’m a clinical research coordinator working with Alzheimer’s patients, cognitive decline, menopause and sexual dysfunction.”
Grandfather: “He likes Bevin Nicole because SHE TURNS HIM ON! But is that what really counts?”
Grandmother: “SURE IT IS!”
Lincee: GO PAPAW and GRANNY! And we thought you guys would freak out at the B’Hai faith. What do we know!
Andy: “Marriage is a commitment. I have a huge decision to make and I don’t have any damn clarity. Freak it.”
Lincee: Please let the record show that I was SHOCKED by the damn. I can also confirm (because Meredith hit the closed captioned function on her TV) that Andy did indeed say freak. No f-bombs by the good doctor. Thank GOODNESS!
Chopperphobia—Fear of helicopters, often causing panic attacks and fit of nervous giggles
Good thing Dr. Baldwin is there to calm Bevin Nicole down with some breathing techniques he learned at the Karate Kid School of Medicine.
73—the number of times “Oh my God!” was uttered from Bevin Nicole
Bevin Nicole: “I wanted to give you a watch because you gave me your watch and you make time stand still and if you’re lost you can look and you will find me time after time.”
Bevin Nicole: “Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin…I love you!”
Andrew James: “Are you serious?”
Bevin Nicole: “Yes.”
Andrew James: “I love you too Bevin.” (Decent kiss with serious head tilt)
Hold the phone. Back it up! Did Andrew James just tell Bevin Nicole that HE LOVES HER? (Rewind. Play) HE DID! HE SAID HE LOVED HER!
It is at this point that I feel played…yet secretly happy…that Andrew James might pick Bevin Nicole to be his lawfully wedded Navy wife.
Bevin Nicole: “There’s no chance in hell that he would leave me standing without a rose.”
Lincee: Annnnnnnnnd there it is. Nail in the coffin. She jinxed herself. Tess is back in the lead.
Riding a horse with flip flops? Just go barefoot dude.
Nothing says romance like frolicking in the ocean with your muscle man wearing a blue dinosaur floaty around his waist. I salute you ABC intern!
Tessa: “I got you a present. No silly…it’s not the cute yellow tote. It’s the photo collage inside with the five page letter I wrote you on the Turtle Bay note pad I found by the phone!”
Tessa: “I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I want to stay tomorrow. I love you.”
Andy: “I love you too Tessa.”
Wrong. It’s just wrong. You don’t tell two people that you love them. Not when they are staying in the same resort and one will be proposed to tomorrow. Bad Navy doctor. BAD!
It was no surprise that Lieutenant Andy Baldwin picked Tessa. She was everything he ever wanted in a wife, excluding the electricity part.
I have no idea why Bevin Nicole did not see this coming. I mean, he greets her with a kiss when she approaches him, fixes her blowing hair behind her ear from the 90 mile/hour Oahu wind, babbles on about how much of a connection they have and how she means the world to him.
Andrew James: “This is not a rejection. I’m just not picking you. You didn’t win. You are just eliminated. Silver medal. Second place. Just shy of number one. It’s no big deal. I know you said you loved me. I know I said it back. But love is a many splendor thing. It lifts us up where we belong. See those eagles flying? That’s you and me kid…on a mountain high. But I’m going to climb down off this mountain and go be sophisticated and versatile with Tess. This is not a rejection. Is there anything you want to say?”
Insert Jim Halpert face from Bevin Nicole. Whoo hoo!
He grabs for her hand and walks toward the limo. We all hold our breath, wondering if she is going to fling herself off the balcony in utter despair. But she doesn’t.
The ABC Psychotherapist is upset that Bevin Nicole is not giving us the drama we so desperately needed during May sweeps. The best she can get is a few sobs into the pink cocktail napkin she fingered from the limo bar. That’s about it.
Bless Bevin Nicole’s heart.
Cut to Andy crying in the makeshift bureau room. He’s upset because he has so much respect for Bevin Nicole. Can he love Tessa’s versatility the way he loves Bevin Nicole’s electricity?
He’s going to try. He gets down on one knee and asks Tess to marry him, holding out the classic round cut diamond he chose from the special box. She says yes. They twirl, hoop and holler. He gives her the rose and his dog tags.
Cue the music. End of the show montage with familiar background soundtrack.
Will they last? Does Tess owe ABC a billion dollars for spilling the beans to the Page Six secret spy? Will Andy ever feel electric current from Tessa? Is she going to be ticked off that he told Bev he loved her too?
We may find these details out TONIGHT on After the Final Rose!
All about the shame, not the fame,