Ashely and JP’s Fairy Tale Wedding

It only took an hour and 40 minutes for ABC to finally allow Ashley and JP to tie the knot on national television. The viewing audience was bestowed the privilege of experiencing every meeting, decision and detail that went into the blessed event. I have to say that a lot of people worked hard to make this magical moment a reality. There was the wedding planner who made sure the official wedding colors of champagne and blush were properly represented. Neil Lane certainly deserves his contractually obligated shout out because who can’t appreciate a luscious patch of chest hair peeping out from the plunging v-neck? Of course, there’s the seamstress who managed to take Ashley’s size two wedding gown down to a zero in the buttock region. But I believe the one person who worked harder than the ABC employee in charge of securing the charitable donations from various Disney-friendly vendors was Our Host Chris Harrison. The man managed to get ordained online, officiate the wedding, host special guests in his strategically placed hot seat prior to the nuptials, navigate us through b-roll packages that reiterate the amazing journey which miraculously brought us all together in the first place, as well as playing the ever important role of premarital counselor.

Is someone campaigning as the new, taller and more mesmerizing Ryan Seacrest? THIS is America Idol Bachelor Nation.

Looking impeccable in a classic tux that James Bond would undoubtedly use his 007 license to secure, Harrison welcomes us to JP and Ashley’s fairy tale wedding by reminding us that not all relationships are guaranteed to be a success as evidenced by the lavish donations draped all over the “stage” that is being set behind him.

That’s the spirit Harrison! MOZEL TOV to the lucky couple!

Harrison: “Look, no one has to tell me that this method of finding love isn’t exactly accurate. There are no guarantees with matters of the heart. Take a look at my bare left ring finger. With that said, ABC wants me to remind you about several couples who have successfully found love through the capricious imagination of one Mr. Mike Fleiss. Do the names Trista and Ryan mean anything to anyone out there? How about Molly and Jason? Remember Holly and Blake? Hey. Hook-ups on the Bachelor Pad count. I asked. How about Cape Cod Chris and Peyton? Granted, they didn’t succumb to the temptation of having their wedding splashed all over HGTV, but they are former contestants who are married now. Winning. Let’s go ahead and add DDAHnna and the Stag’s twin. I know he wasn’t technically on the show, but his brother is in the Hall of Fame. Deal with it. I’m told professional snow boarder Jessie Csincsak married Ann Lueders whom he met on one of Fleiss’ contestant cruises. Yes, cupid’s arrow made a direct hit on the high seas. What of it? I was also told I had to include John Presser and Tara Durr in this list of crowning accomplishments. A quick Wikipedia search assures me that both of these people actually appeared on the show but were kicked off in the first round of their respective seasons. Whatever. Everyone needs to calm down and just accept the fact that this show will forever be on the air because Fleiss sold his soul to Belzebub himself and I’m the lucky pawn in this vicious game of reality TV chess. INTERN! Fetch me a refill in this engraved flask the Rosenbaums gave me as a officiant gift. And find Roberto. STAT. Ten minutes down. A lifetime to go. Welcome to my personal nightmare.”

After walking down memory lane of Ashley and JP’s season, we catch up with the happy couple at a bar with their families. JP is in Ashley’s favorite color pink. Ashley is in her favorite colors — short and tight. Mimosas all around because the dynamic duo have a BIG announcement.

Ashley: “You guuuuys thank you soooo much for being here. It’s perfact. We have an exciting announcement to make to all of you guuuuys…”
JP’s Brother: “YOU’RE PREGNANT?!”

The entire party high fives each other and begins toasting the pending birth.

Ashley: “No! We’ve set a wedding date! December!”
JP’s Brother: “Aren’t you already married? I’m positive I saw wedding photos.”

You and be both dude. You and me both.

Ashley’s sister Chrystie chooses this moment to remind everyone that she didn’t really think JP was a fit from the beginning, but she has changed her mind. To prove it, she vows to have her favorite tattoo artist create a tribute to JP on the only piece of real estate left on her body. Rumor has it, Ashley is not happy that her husband’s face is in a naughty place on her sister. MOZEL TOV!

The next day, Ashley and JP visit the wedding coordinator. Ashley instructs her to be simple with minimum extravagance. She wants it low maintenance, feminine and something darling for her teacup Yorkie to wear down the aisle. Perhaps something bedazzled?

WEDDING GOWN FITTING TIME!

I’m not sure how she wiggled into the garment let alone managed to waddle into the bridal room where her sister, mom and JP’s mom Ilene were waiting to sing her praises. If ever asked to accurately describe the dress, I’d have to use adjectives such as mermaid, 80s-inspired and extremely binding. Meanwhile, JP is trying on tuxedos and his hot friend is comparing him to a maître d. Team JP’s Hot Friend!

Back to Harrison’s hot seat (not a euphemism) we find a very pregnant Molly and beaming Jason. We learn that Molly thinks current bachelor Sean is easy on the eyes and that Jason has ab envy. We almost learn the sex of Molly’s unborn child because she has chosen to pay homage to Ashley by wearing the shortest dress I’ve ever seen on a woman that pregnant. One shift and we all would have the chance to get up close and personal with Melba Toast Junior.

Raise your hand if you need something to cleanse your palate? How about this?

En fuego.

Now it’s time for JP and Ashley to live it up at their bachelor/bachelorette parties. Is Scottsdale the new Las Vegas? Of course not. JP and his buddies are going race car driving. In Scottsdale. Home of Arie. Ex-boyfriend of ABC hair and makeup girl Cassie who was BFF with Emily last season. Connect the dots people. Look alive.

While the boys are driving in circles, Ashley is drinking mimosas again and having JP’s face painted on her big toe and ring finger and everyone thinks it’s ADORABLE. Clearly there’s not a lot of orange juice in that mimosa. A scantily clad woman comes saunters in and Ashley’s eyes grow wide with confusion masked with tremors of nervous enthusiasm. Like our bride to be, I was convinced this chick was there to strip and began laughing that she had busted through the wrong door of the donated hotel room. “HEY GIRL WEARING BRA AND PANTIES…JP AND HIS HOT FRIEND ARE NEXT DOOR!” Ashley and the rest the viewing audience soon learn that the stripper is there to give lessons in pole dancing. Ashley whirls around the pole a few times for show in a leopard onesie for adults. SHALOM Y’ALL!

Although nothing can erase that vision from my memory, ABC was quick to cut to my beloved Ames heartily shaking someone’s hand at the wedding. No he wasn’t wearing red pants. Be he did look ever so jaunty.

Harrison pimps out Bachelor royalty Trista and Ryan and follows up with current Bachelor Sean who looks like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world other than sitting in Harrison’s chair with the girl who dumped him mere yards away. What? It makes PERFECT sense that Emily is there. Remember how Ashley and Ali helped Emily pick out her rose ceremony dresses? She may not have landed one of the NINE coveted roles of toga bridesmaid complete with billowy white sheet dresses adorned with golden belts and sandals, but she DID secure an invitation.

Mazel Tov to both Sean and Emily for displaying such chutzpah by simply showing up. I have to admit that Sean looked mighty defeated when Our Host asked him if he found love. His vague answer of “I’m happy where I am now” and “the journey was rewarding” seems suspicious if you ask me. Perhaps it was more a look of embarrassment that JP’s old Uncle Cy was demoted to the fifth row so Sean could claim the spot directly behind the Rosembaums? We’ll never know for sure.

GRAHAM SIGHTING! And Michelle Money. Oh there’s Jillian. AND THERE’S THIS GUY AGAIN!

The time has come for Harrison to try and trick Ashley and JP into not getting married. After instructing them to make a list, the pros definitely outweigh the cons and Our Host gives his final blessing. It’s time to secure the huppa. That’s sort of like a gazebo, right? Where’s Jake Pavelka when you really need him?

Ashely and her toga goddesses are thick in the middle of makeup and hair when JP’s brother brings a special gift from the groom. It’s a charm bracelet that tells their story! There’s a rose. A teacup Yorkie. A bear. Some tiny shorts. A backless shirt and a photo of Bentley with a Ghostbusters sign through it. L’CHAIM!

It’s finally time to get this party started! Fourteen train handlers wrangle Ashely’s dress down the back steps of the Pasadena Resort. JP adjusts his yarmulke, Ilene gets verklempt at the sight of her baby boy tearing up and Chrystie’s tats sparkle in the sunshine as she walks Boo down the center of the aisle. JP and Ashley meet in front of Harrison and he literally has to stop them from making out. They both start crying. I imagine it’s because they do not know any of the wedding attendees, other than those on the front row, in toga dresses and/or tuxedos, in an intimate way.

Full disclosure: I fast forwarded through the entire thing. Forgive me. It’s been an hour and a half and Roberto is the only thing getting me through this.

After being scolded for almost kissing another time, Harrison finally pronounces them man and wife, offers them the final rose and allows JP to kiss his bride. Glasses are stomped. Tears are flowing. Feathers are flying.

Feathers are flying? I guess the Charitable Donation Coordinator was unable to secure a gift from a bubble factory, sparkler company or rice distributor. Feathers must be the new rose petal.

At the reception, Jillian (who looks like a foreign version of herself) is hanging all over a mysterious metro guy in gingham and bow tie. Stag is shouting from the top of his lungs that Ashley is SO HOT. Roberto is dazzling everyone in the room with his mere presence. Ali is brooding in the corner. Michelle Money is making goo goo eyes at Graham. Graham is checking out Emily who has vowed that she is NOT going to throw in the towel on love because Ashley and JP have given her hope. Somewhere in the distance, you can hear Sean bellowing out, “EMILY! EMILY!” as he runs through the streets of Prague hallway of the free resort.

Well that’s it. Bachelor Nation can now boast three official marriages, two Sutter kids, one Melba kid on the way and I’d be willing to bet a little Jewish baby in the works this time next year. Oy vey!

Did you watch the wedding? What did you think about the toga dresses? Were you surprised that Boo chose not to wear ANY of the dresses picked out for her by the wedding coordinator? Was Roberto as en fuego as you remember? Did Jillian look like she was dressed as Pocahontas? Will these two crazy kids make it? Sound off in the comments section!

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