Bachelor Arie Recap: You Gotta Fight…For Your Right…to Arie

Bachelor Arie Recap: Season 22, Episode 3

Remember how I said last week that up was the new down and the producers of this show have thrown all caution to the wind? Gone are the days of tradition where our bachelor sort of tries to court these women in the small window of time he is given. Arie is a man on a mission. He has roughly five contestants he’s after and the rest are TOAST.

How else can you explain how Arie is kicking them to the freshly sprayed reject curb faster than you can say, “Lauren who?”

Yes these girls (other than the spright we know as Bekah) are already physically drained and emotionally spent and it’s only week 3. Clearly they need a boost of adrenaline to get them through the season.

We call that jolt Our Host Chris Harrison.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who obsessed with Princess Margaret or The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host walks into the sunken living room in an ensemble fit for an accountant. My guess is that he found the shirt and pants in the lost and found bin at the athletic club where he had an all-night bender with the wrestling ladies from the 80s. The guy was wearing a lot of grey, but I refuse to shed light on the unfortunate subject, other than the fact that he smelled of confident lady sweat, cheap bourbon, and freshly sharpened number two pencils.

Harrison reminisces about his wild night and announces to the girls that “behind every good man is one strong woman.” The following ladies will be put to the test to see who will win Arie’s heart in the wrestling ring.

Please, Lord, don’t let there be Jell-O involved.

FIRST GROUP DATE
“It’s All About the Ring”
Maquel
Jacqueline
Laruen B
Tia
Marikh
Bekah
The Bibs
Krystal

Most of the girls are really excited to test their athletic abilities in the ring. Jacqueline claims she is not athletic at all and it’s evident that she really doesn’t care about this date from the oversized t-shirt she wears instead of head-to-toe lycra like the rest of the group. This further proves my theory that Jacqueline is here only to continue collecting data for her thesis on the psychological warfare that is passive aggressively implemented on The Bachelor.

Piggybacking on the instant fame of the Netflix comedy GLOW, the producers of ABC decide to introduce their own Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling Bachelor by breaking out the microfiche to research who was a big deal female wrestler in the bedazzled leotard days of yore. Angelina “Little Egypt” and Ursela “The Farmer’s Daughter” dust off their spandex and enter the ring to teach the young whipper snappers and The Kissing Bandit a thing or two about flinging people into turnbuckles.

There’s also a nice helping of verbal abuse, to which The Bibs balks back with a fiery response after Little Egypt talks about her mama. Tia walks away, unwilling to be treated like a common no-named GLOB. While Bibs and Tia cry in the corner, one of the Laurens and Bekah giggle about how this is just like theater camp. They adjust their sports bras, pick their wedgies, and try not to be turned off as Arie struggles to get up after The Farmer’s Daughter tosses him to the ground.

He’s 45-years-old, nymphs. Give him a break.

Harrison herds the girls backstage and instructs them to take on a wrestling persona, because they are about to fake fight one another in front of a live audience made up of little old ladies who typically use this space for their weekly quilting circle. Here’s what the girls come up with:

Bekah is a sex kitten. She’s a poor man’s version of Halle Berry as Cat Woman, but owns the skin-tight black leather suit nonetheless. Her former employers must be so proud! She wrestles/whips…

Maquel who is a lunch lady, complete with hairy mole. This made me love her, and by that, I mean it made me actually pay attention enough to compute that she isn’t a Lauren.

Krystal is a cougar with a Josie and the Pussycat vibe if Josie abandoned her musical gig to work at the local Riverdale strip joint. She pushes around…

Sweet Jaqueline who dresses as a princess.

Tia is a southern belle. Her outfit is an exact replica of Scarlet O’Hara’s barbecue dress, only you need to imagine the antebellum hoop skirt part of her gown cut off to right below the who-ha. She giggles along with her crying partner…

Bibs who channels her inner Bridezilla and has a ball doing it. It is the happiest we’ve seen her since the launch of season 22.

Marikh is a baller gold digger who wears actual denim panties. She doesn’t even pretend to wrestle. Instead, she slow dances and writhes with…

One of the Laurens who is dressed as a little slut.

Kenny from last season bursts into the arena, trying to hype up the hard of hearing members of the Los Angeles County Quilters Guild. He eyes his target, Arie, who is dressed as a waiter working the Valentine’s Day shift at Chilies. Kenny tosses Arie around a bit before he lets the bachelor sweep the leg Daniel-San style. The girls gush at how Arie is soooo sexy and athletic.

My watching party agrees that Arie was neither sexy nor athletic in that moment. This might be the dumbest date ever. That includes the time the girls had to ski in San Francisco in winter hats and bikinis.

Arie takes the girls to a row of fancy RV trailers lined up at a trendy outpost. Krystal grabs Arie first (shocker) and pulls him to one of the nearby benches so they can lounge. I swear her black velvet romper was made for an American Girl Doll. I was so distracted by her butt cheeks hanging out the back that I barely had time to compute what she was saying to Arie.

Since she’s, like, his favorite and stuff, she like, wants to know how she should play this game. Should she be aggressive? She doesn’t want to get lost in the mix. And with her nodes, she’s at a verbal disadvantage. Will he be offended if claws come out and hair is pulled? She’s like to use her newfound girl fighting skills she just procured from Ms. Little Egypt if that’s alright.

Arie encourages her to “just be you” and if she should ever feel lost, she should just come find him.

Krystal receives this message as, “I want you” and “you will be my wife” and “the other girls are garbage.”

The Bibs is next on the bench and she breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor. Never, ever, ever talk trash about the other girls, especially in freaking week three. She tattles on Krystal for always manipulating Arie’s time, before touting that she is the most respectful one of the bunch.

Tia is next. I find it telling that Arie took her to one of the glamping campers. I’m sure he didn’t expect all of the emotional talk from his favorite Arkansas girl, which is clearly why he shut that trap with his own tongue.

I like that we can count on Arie’s endocrine system to take the lead in any circumstance. It’s a hallmark of his personality.

Speaking of hormones, Bekah is up next. We find her somewhat horizontal, leaning on Arie because it is physically impossible for her to hold her own body up. She talks about a relationship that lasted two or three years and how the dude broke up with her suddenly. Being dumped right before prom must be brutal.

But a burden has been lifted and as the old man next to her gives some elderly advice, she nods her head in agreement and slips off her leather jacket to reveal her emerald green lingerie top. He licks his lips and makes out with Bekah, happy to execute the Sit and Straddle™ to her heart’s content.

She also gets the date rose.

INDIVIDUAL DATE
Lauren S.
“You Had Me at Merlot”

Sweet Lauren S. was my favorite Lauren of all the Laurens. There was something bubbly and genuine about her that I thought contributed to a “She’s so normal!” interjection. The fact that she was asked to go on the Nappa date, which is much more “Arie” than wrestling, boded well for her.

I didn’t even mind that she managed to meld a fire engine red short program ice skating costume with a cold side rib and cold side boob. She has her age (31) and the fact that she likes to go to bed early going for her. And look! The cameras are filming the two lovebirds eating!

It must be love. I, Lauren is on my short list.

Then everything unravels like the roses embroidery on her fancy Keds. Lauren starts to say things like, “I’m all over the place,” and “I feel like I’m talking too much about nothing.” At one point I heard the term “eye infection” and that’s when I noticed Arie zone out and start eating his steak not in a cute, endearing way, but in a “when will this end?” kind of way.

Then Lauren said something we’ve never heard before on this show: “If it were me, I wouldn’t give me the rose.”

According to my favorite Lauren, the date was a total wreck and she can’t seem to pinpoint why. Even though her flag screams NORMAL, Arie blames his decision to NOT give her a rose on the second one-on-one date of the season because of the love she has for her family. He doesn’t want to keep her away any longer considering he’s not feeling her or the cold side boob. She may be amazing, but when you’re sparking with four other ladies and a brownie, ties have to be cut sooner rather than later.

Poor Lauren is placed directly into the rejection limo. Arie grabs her rose and wanders over to the four-piece orchestra that was earmarked for a lovely after-dinner sway sesh. Even the producers didn’t see this coming. He pulls a slight Translucent Mesnick against a glass balcony and twirls the bud while the somber tones of a string quartet moan in the background.

When the mysterious guy sneaks through the front door to grab Lauren’s bags, Caroline dissolves into a heap of tears. Krystal takes this time to lecture the other girls on the thing that she’s known for a solid 48-hours — Arie is looking for someone who is vulnerable. They must not waste time because your time is not guaranteed in the mansion. She knows this the best because of her courages battle with her nodes.

Caroline shows great restraint. Instead of close lining Krystal, she storms out of the room and talks smack about Nodes with Tia.

SECOND GROUP DATE
“Love is Ruff”
Krystal
Ashley
Becca
Brittany
Jenna
Caroline
Chelsea
Annaleise

When it is confirmed that love is going to be “ruff,” the second group date women squeal with the excitement of a thousand chihuahuas. They high five, do a little dance, and hide extreme panic under a fake smile and glassy eyes.

Wait, what?

Yep. Poor Annaleise is once again faced with a group date that revolves around a traumatic experience. Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the reenactment footage.

Annaleise was a baby. Her grandparents had an old, crusty dog ironically named Sunshine. The dog snapped at her and she almost lost an eye. This has made Anna skittish around canines, which makes perfect sense. SUPER unfortunate, but I get it.

The girls run down to the park, boobs a-bouncing, to greet Arie and pretend to like his dog Bastian. He takes a whistle, pathetically blows it, and out of the blue a thousand dogs race toward the girls. Big ones, small ones, medium ones…it’s Annaleise’s worst nightmare come true.

But these aren’t your average random dogs in the park. These are Dynamo Dogs who love to jump through hoops and crawl up on your shoulders for snacks. That’s a green light for Anna to go ahead and start having a panic attack.

I blame Tia and Bibs for this chaotic time in Anna’s life. At that exact moment, they were praying, thanking the Lord for the beautiful day, but also asking Him to please have one of the dogs bite a contestant. Bye!

It’s no wonder the Dynamo Dog lady gave Annaleise the pooper scooper job.

ABC dresses the ladies as sultry circus women, trots out Hare and Fred Willard, and watches as the entire scene at The Grove crumbles before them in front of another live audience. I’m not sure if the dogs were irritated that they had to be dressed up in prairie skirts and bow ties, or if the girls were just that bad at making kissing sounds and holding up bits of frankfurters.

Babies cried, wayward children toddled up onto the stage, dogs were skittish, and a black modesty box covered a steaming turd on the stage. This is the definition of hot mess.

Arie quickly whisks the girls to a place called “The Reserve” so he can liquor them up and skirt touchy feely conversations with heavy make out sessions. He picks Chelsea for the first one-on-one and she somehow makes Arie believe that the day gave her the opportunity to express who she really is, and as a result, she adores the person she has become today.

Caroline makes her move and asks Arie if he’s dated anyone since Emily. It’s been five years. What’s he been doing?

If she read Courtney Robertson’s book, she’d know exactly what he’s been doing, but that’s neither here nor there. Arie is older, more mature, and wise. He has grey hair and wears cardigans. He’s the Kissing Bandit, for heaven’s sake. And he proves it by pressing his pillow lips to hers. Caroline forgets everything and melts into the couch.

Next up is Jenna, or Anna Nicole Smith. She wastes no time with small talk and goes in for the kill. She’s carpe-ing the hell out of that diem. I predict that it took Arie ten minutes to wipe off the magenta lipstick all over his pillow lips and neck.

Annaleise gets the courage to speak to Arie. Well, speak is a strong word. She stares at him and he stares at the lamps and knickknacks around The Reserve. It’s pretty special and Anna can’t help but feel blue that she hasn’t yet experienced the cushioned consistency of Arie’s tempurpedic mouth. Her spirits plummet when Chelsea comes back for round two and she hears smacking before she’s left the room.

But nothing compares to Arie’s time with Becca. It’s clear that he really likes her and I’ll tell you why. Yes, they try to touch each other’s tonsils and prefer spending time horizontally together, but the true test is when she calls him an dork and he calls her a dork right back. Just because he gave his date rose to Chelsea doesn’t mean a thing.

And if Chelsea is the last woman standing, Arie has problems. I’m just saying.

ROSE CEREMONY
This was one of my favorite rose ceremonies in the history of this show. I laughed, but I didn’t want to laugh, because The Bibs didn’t deserve what happened to her.

After begging the ABC Intern to drag a mattress out onto the freshly sprayed driveway, I was confused. I admired the bedding secured from the Magnolia Collection at Target, and even smiled at the dozen or so candles strewn about. What appeared to be a camera on a tripod gave me pause at first, but upon further inspection, I was told and later confirmed that it was a telescope. Bibs fabricated a lovely romantic setting so she could tell Arie how she really feels about him.

Unfortunately, Lauren B. swooped in on that business before Bibs could invite Arie out to the driveway. LB plopped down on the mattress, completely ignored the telescope, and proceeded to mug down with A-Lu for ten minutes. When Bibs happens upon the scene, ARIE ASKS FOR MORE TIME WITH LAUREN.

It happens a second and third time with Chelsea and then Bekah. This is what we call kicking a girl while she’s down.

So there’s Bekah, lounging with Arie on Bib’s bed, talking about how she’s “unsafe.” Arie’s mind goes directly into the gutter, but she pulls him back out by explaining that she doesn’t need Arie. He’s clearly attracted to people who need him more than he needs them. Just look at his history with dating single moms. Arie mentally cries, “DEVIL WOMAN! GET OUT OF MY BED!” before smiling and asking her, “Where did you come from?”

Can you see Jacqueline lurking in the bushes taking notes?

Bekah’s behavior makes sense when you think about it. She’s just come off of rush week. She knows how to work a party and get the bid by making sure the other person thinks she doesn’t need them because she has so many more choices. One has to work hard to secure this filly.

Arie L-O-V-E-S it.

After Jenna dry humps Arie on the back porch and Arie chugs moonshine with Tia, Anna intercedes and drags him up to the balcony where they have many dark corners from which to do naughty deeds. Arie taps out claiming, “we’re not there yet” before going exactly there with Kendall.

Anna tries it again, to the dismay of everyone in the mansion and everyone in my living room. I’m glad she didn’t ask to kiss Arie again. Instead, she asked a logical question: Will we ever be there? Arie plainly answers, “no” and escorts her to the rejection SUV. I appreciate his honesty and I think Anna did too. She hopes America doesn’t see her as a manic, anxious, crazy, nervous person.

I hope that as well, Annleise. Maybe keep it to yourself that you were ever on this show.

In the end, The Bibs is sent home to wallow in her brokenness. She may not have crushed it in the telescope bed with Arie, but let the record show that IT DID WORK.

Photo By: ABC.com

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