Bachelor Arie Recap: You Gotta Fight…For Your Right…to Arie

Bachelor Arie Recap: Season 22, Episode 3

Remember how I said last week that up was the new down and the producers of this show have thrown all caution to the wind? Gone are the days of tradition where our bachelor sort of tries to court these women in the small window of time he is given. Arie is a man on a mission. He has roughly five contestants he’s after and the rest are TOAST.

How else can you explain how Arie is kicking them to the freshly sprayed reject curb faster than you can say, “Lauren who?”

Yes these girls (other than the spright we know as Bekah) are already physically drained and emotionally spent and it’s only week 3. Clearly they need a boost of adrenaline to get them through the season.

We call that jolt Our Host Chris Harrison.

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who obsessed with Princess Margaret or The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host walks into the sunken living room in an ensemble fit for an accountant. My guess is that he found the shirt and pants in the lost and found bin at the athletic club where he had an all-night bender with the wrestling ladies from the 80s. The guy was wearing a lot of grey, but I refuse to shed light on the unfortunate subject, other than the fact that he smelled of confident lady sweat, cheap bourbon, and freshly sharpened number two pencils.

Harrison reminisces about his wild night and announces to the girls that “behind every good man is one strong woman.” The following ladies will be put to the test to see who will win Arie’s heart in the wrestling ring.

Please, Lord, don’t let there be Jell-O involved.

“It’s All About the Ring”
Laruen B
The Bibs

Most of the girls are really excited to test their athletic abilities in the ring. Jacqueline claims she is not athletic at all and it’s evident that she really doesn’t care about this date from the oversized t-shirt she wears instead of head-to-toe lycra like the rest of the group. This further proves my theory that Jacqueline is here only to continue collecting data for her thesis on the psychological warfare that is passive aggressively implemented on The Bachelor.

Piggybacking on the instant fame of the Netflix comedy GLOW, the producers of ABC decide to introduce their own Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling Bachelor by breaking out the microfiche to research who was a big deal female wrestler in the bedazzled leotard days of yore. Angelina “Little Egypt” and Ursela “The Farmer’s Daughter” dust off their spandex and enter the ring to teach the young whipper snappers and The Kissing Bandit a thing or two about flinging people into turnbuckles.

There’s also a nice helping of verbal abuse, to which The Bibs balks back with a fiery response after Little Egypt talks about her mama. Tia walks away, unwilling to be treated like a common no-named GLOB. While Bibs and Tia cry in the corner, one of the Laurens and Bekah giggle about how this is just like theater camp. They adjust their sports bras, pick their wedgies, and try not to be turned off as Arie struggles to get up after The Farmer’s Daughter tosses him to the ground.

He’s 45-years-old, nymphs. Give him a break.

Harrison herds the girls backstage and instructs them to take on a wrestling persona, because they are about to fake fight one another in front of a live audience made up of little old ladies who typically use this space for their weekly quilting circle. Here’s what the girls come up with:

Bekah is a sex kitten. She’s a poor man’s version of Halle Berry as Cat Woman, but owns the skin-tight black leather suit nonetheless. Her former employers must be so proud! She wrestles/whips…

Maquel who is a lunch lady, complete with hairy mole. This made me love her, and by that, I mean it made me actually pay attention enough to compute that she isn’t a Lauren.

Krystal is a cougar with a Josie and the Pussycat vibe if Josie abandoned her musical gig to work at the local Riverdale strip joint. She pushes around…

Sweet Jaqueline who dresses as a princess.

Tia is a southern belle. Her outfit is an exact replica of Scarlet O’Hara’s barbecue dress, only you need to imagine the antebellum hoop skirt part of her gown cut off to right below the who-ha. She giggles along with her crying partner…

Bibs who channels her inner Bridezilla and has a ball doing it. It is the happiest we’ve seen her since the launch of season 22.

Marikh is a baller gold digger who wears actual denim panties. She doesn’t even pretend to wrestle. Instead, she slow dances and writhes with…

One of the Laurens who is dressed as a little slut.

Kenny from last season bursts into the arena, trying to hype up the hard of hearing members of the Los Angeles County Quilters Guild. He eyes his target, Arie, who is dressed as a waiter working the Valentine’s Day shift at Chilies. Kenny tosses Arie around a bit before he lets the bachelor sweep the leg Daniel-San style. The girls gush at how Arie is soooo sexy and athletic.

My watching party agrees that Arie was neither sexy nor athletic in that moment. This might be the dumbest date ever. That includes the time the girls had to ski in San Francisco in winter hats and bikinis.

Arie takes the girls to a row of fancy RV trailers lined up at a trendy outpost. Krystal grabs Arie first (shocker) and pulls him to one of the nearby benches so they can lounge. I swear her black velvet romper was made for an American Girl Doll. I was so distracted by her butt cheeks hanging out the back that I barely had time to compute what she was saying to Arie.

Since she’s, like, his favorite and stuff, she like, wants to know how she should play this game. Should she be aggressive? She doesn’t want to get lost in the mix. And with her nodes, she’s at a verbal disadvantage. Will he be offended if claws come out and hair is pulled? She’s like to use her newfound girl fighting skills she just procured from Ms. Little Egypt if that’s alright.

Arie encourages her to “just be you” and if she should ever feel lost, she should just come find him.

Krystal receives this message as, “I want you” and “you will be my wife” and “the other girls are garbage.”

The Bibs is next on the bench and she breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor. Never, ever, ever talk trash about the other girls, especially in freaking week three. She tattles on Krystal for always manipulating Arie’s time, before touting that she is the most respectful one of the bunch.

Tia is next. I find it telling that Arie took her to one of the glamping campers. I’m sure he didn’t expect all of the emotional talk from his favorite Arkansas girl, which is clearly why he shut that trap with his own tongue.

I like that we can count on Arie’s endocrine system to take the lead in any circumstance. It’s a hallmark of his personality.

Speaking of hormones, Bekah is up next. We find her somewhat horizontal, leaning on Arie because it is physically impossible for her to hold her own body up. She talks about a relationship that lasted two or three years and how the dude broke up with her suddenly. Being dumped right before prom must be brutal.

But a burden has been lifted and as the old man next to her gives some elderly advice, she nods her head in agreement and slips off her leather jacket to reveal her emerald green lingerie top. He licks his lips and makes out with Bekah, happy to execute the Sit and Straddle™ to her heart’s content.

She also gets the date rose.

Lauren S.
“You Had Me at Merlot”

Sweet Lauren S. was my favorite Lauren of all the Laurens. There was something bubbly and genuine about her that I thought contributed to a “She’s so normal!” interjection. The fact that she was asked to go on the Nappa date, which is much more “Arie” than wrestling, boded well for her.

I didn’t even mind that she managed to meld a fire engine red short program ice skating costume with a cold side rib and cold side boob. She has her age (31) and the fact that she likes to go to bed early going for her. And look! The cameras are filming the two lovebirds eating!

It must be love. I, Lauren is on my short list.

Then everything unravels like the roses embroidery on her fancy Keds. Lauren starts to say things like, “I’m all over the place,” and “I feel like I’m talking too much about nothing.” At one point I heard the term “eye infection” and that’s when I noticed Arie zone out and start eating his steak not in a cute, endearing way, but in a “when will this end?” kind of way.

Then Lauren said something we’ve never heard before on this show: “If it were me, I wouldn’t give me the rose.”

According to my favorite Lauren, the date was a total wreck and she can’t seem to pinpoint why. Even though her flag screams NORMAL, Arie blames his decision to NOT give her a rose on the second one-on-one date of the season because of the love she has for her family. He doesn’t want to keep her away any longer considering he’s not feeling her or the cold side boob. She may be amazing, but when you’re sparking with four other ladies and a brownie, ties have to be cut sooner rather than later.

Poor Lauren is placed directly into the rejection limo. Arie grabs her rose and wanders over to the four-piece orchestra that was earmarked for a lovely after-dinner sway sesh. Even the producers didn’t see this coming. He pulls a slight Translucent Mesnick against a glass balcony and twirls the bud while the somber tones of a string quartet moan in the background.

When the mysterious guy sneaks through the front door to grab Lauren’s bags, Caroline dissolves into a heap of tears. Krystal takes this time to lecture the other girls on the thing that she’s known for a solid 48-hours — Arie is looking for someone who is vulnerable. They must not waste time because your time is not guaranteed in the mansion. She knows this the best because of her courages battle with her nodes.

Caroline shows great restraint. Instead of close lining Krystal, she storms out of the room and talks smack about Nodes with Tia.

“Love is Ruff”

When it is confirmed that love is going to be “ruff,” the second group date women squeal with the excitement of a thousand chihuahuas. They high five, do a little dance, and hide extreme panic under a fake smile and glassy eyes.

Wait, what?

Yep. Poor Annaleise is once again faced with a group date that revolves around a traumatic experience. Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the reenactment footage.

Annaleise was a baby. Her grandparents had an old, crusty dog ironically named Sunshine. The dog snapped at her and she almost lost an eye. This has made Anna skittish around canines, which makes perfect sense. SUPER unfortunate, but I get it.

The girls run down to the park, boobs a-bouncing, to greet Arie and pretend to like his dog Bastian. He takes a whistle, pathetically blows it, and out of the blue a thousand dogs race toward the girls. Big ones, small ones, medium ones…it’s Annaleise’s worst nightmare come true.

But these aren’t your average random dogs in the park. These are Dynamo Dogs who love to jump through hoops and crawl up on your shoulders for snacks. That’s a green light for Anna to go ahead and start having a panic attack.

I blame Tia and Bibs for this chaotic time in Anna’s life. At that exact moment, they were praying, thanking the Lord for the beautiful day, but also asking Him to please have one of the dogs bite a contestant. Bye!

It’s no wonder the Dynamo Dog lady gave Annaleise the pooper scooper job.

ABC dresses the ladies as sultry circus women, trots out Hare and Fred Willard, and watches as the entire scene at The Grove crumbles before them in front of another live audience. I’m not sure if the dogs were irritated that they had to be dressed up in prairie skirts and bow ties, or if the girls were just that bad at making kissing sounds and holding up bits of frankfurters.

Babies cried, wayward children toddled up onto the stage, dogs were skittish, and a black modesty box covered a steaming turd on the stage. This is the definition of hot mess.

Arie quickly whisks the girls to a place called “The Reserve” so he can liquor them up and skirt touchy feely conversations with heavy make out sessions. He picks Chelsea for the first one-on-one and she somehow makes Arie believe that the day gave her the opportunity to express who she really is, and as a result, she adores the person she has become today.

Caroline makes her move and asks Arie if he’s dated anyone since Emily. It’s been five years. What’s he been doing?

If she read Courtney Robertson’s book, she’d know exactly what he’s been doing, but that’s neither here nor there. Arie is older, more mature, and wise. He has grey hair and wears cardigans. He’s the Kissing Bandit, for heaven’s sake. And he proves it by pressing his pillow lips to hers. Caroline forgets everything and melts into the couch.

Next up is Jenna, or Anna Nicole Smith. She wastes no time with small talk and goes in for the kill. She’s carpe-ing the hell out of that diem. I predict that it took Arie ten minutes to wipe off the magenta lipstick all over his pillow lips and neck.

Annaleise gets the courage to speak to Arie. Well, speak is a strong word. She stares at him and he stares at the lamps and knickknacks around The Reserve. It’s pretty special and Anna can’t help but feel blue that she hasn’t yet experienced the cushioned consistency of Arie’s tempurpedic mouth. Her spirits plummet when Chelsea comes back for round two and she hears smacking before she’s left the room.

But nothing compares to Arie’s time with Becca. It’s clear that he really likes her and I’ll tell you why. Yes, they try to touch each other’s tonsils and prefer spending time horizontally together, but the true test is when she calls him an dork and he calls her a dork right back. Just because he gave his date rose to Chelsea doesn’t mean a thing.

And if Chelsea is the last woman standing, Arie has problems. I’m just saying.

This was one of my favorite rose ceremonies in the history of this show. I laughed, but I didn’t want to laugh, because The Bibs didn’t deserve what happened to her.

After begging the ABC Intern to drag a mattress out onto the freshly sprayed driveway, I was confused. I admired the bedding secured from the Magnolia Collection at Target, and even smiled at the dozen or so candles strewn about. What appeared to be a camera on a tripod gave me pause at first, but upon further inspection, I was told and later confirmed that it was a telescope. Bibs fabricated a lovely romantic setting so she could tell Arie how she really feels about him.

Unfortunately, Lauren B. swooped in on that business before Bibs could invite Arie out to the driveway. LB plopped down on the mattress, completely ignored the telescope, and proceeded to mug down with A-Lu for ten minutes. When Bibs happens upon the scene, ARIE ASKS FOR MORE TIME WITH LAUREN.

It happens a second and third time with Chelsea and then Bekah. This is what we call kicking a girl while she’s down.

So there’s Bekah, lounging with Arie on Bib’s bed, talking about how she’s “unsafe.” Arie’s mind goes directly into the gutter, but she pulls him back out by explaining that she doesn’t need Arie. He’s clearly attracted to people who need him more than he needs them. Just look at his history with dating single moms. Arie mentally cries, “DEVIL WOMAN! GET OUT OF MY BED!” before smiling and asking her, “Where did you come from?”

Can you see Jacqueline lurking in the bushes taking notes?

Bekah’s behavior makes sense when you think about it. She’s just come off of rush week. She knows how to work a party and get the bid by making sure the other person thinks she doesn’t need them because she has so many more choices. One has to work hard to secure this filly.

Arie L-O-V-E-S it.

After Jenna dry humps Arie on the back porch and Arie chugs moonshine with Tia, Anna intercedes and drags him up to the balcony where they have many dark corners from which to do naughty deeds. Arie taps out claiming, “we’re not there yet” before going exactly there with Kendall.

Anna tries it again, to the dismay of everyone in the mansion and everyone in my living room. I’m glad she didn’t ask to kiss Arie again. Instead, she asked a logical question: Will we ever be there? Arie plainly answers, “no” and escorts her to the rejection SUV. I appreciate his honesty and I think Anna did too. She hopes America doesn’t see her as a manic, anxious, crazy, nervous person.

I hope that as well, Annleise. Maybe keep it to yourself that you were ever on this show.

In the end, The Bibs is sent home to wallow in her brokenness. She may not have crushed it in the telescope bed with Arie, but let the record show that IT DID WORK.

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Mollie A
Mollie A

Excellent recap. Arie is the most vanilla Bachelor ever. And, I totally agree that the wrestling date was stupid. But, skiing in San Francisco in bikinis?! I must have missed that season.


Almost as bad as tractor racing in bikinis in downtown LA. Still gives me the shivers…

Sara P
Sara P

The skiing in San Francisco in bikinis was bad. As I was watching, I said it was worse than the baby doll relay from last season. Which was also pretty bad. Both dates this week were among the all-time worst group dates in Bachelor history. Except for Fred Willard – that was good.


Fred Willard was amazing. I love that man.


Is it just me or does anyone else feel some disappointment in Arie as the Bachelor? I had a secret relationship in my head with him after Emily’s season. His boyish charisma, and his ability to back a woman up against a brick wall had me swooning for more. But as this seasons prize, I’m just not feeling it. He’s still seems like a nice guy, but…I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s a little like the anticipation of thinking the big box under the Christmas tree is a pony, but upon opening,, it’s a sweater.

Lincee, I’m happy to say that after all this time, you NEVER disappoint! Thank you!


I hear you, and I think I feel this disappointment almost every season. Maybe it’s because the focus becomes on the contestants and their drama and the Bachelor(ette) ends up with spouting cliches and going through the same story line as every season.

And I also hear you that Lincee never disappoints!


I wish they would have had Kenny as The Bachelor……………although he may not have wanted to be away from his daughter that long. Not much substance so far to Arie’s conversations.


I agree. I didn’t watch Emily’s season because I found her as dull as a bag of rocks, so I didn’t know much about Ari. I think he’s suffering from Chris Soules syndrome-good in small doses, but not enough charisma to carry off an entire season as the lead. My favorite Bachelor, of the seasons I’ve seen, was Sean Lowe. He was funny, smart and he and Catherine are a ridiculously adorable couple.


He’s shallow and boring. When he admitted he “barely graduated high school,” I thought uh-oh. I’m also disappointed, as I liked him so much on Emily’s season!


He is totally boring!


I totally agree with you. In fact, he seems a little creepy to me now, especially when he whispers. I also don’t think he’s the “catch” they’re trying hard to portray.


Agreed. He’s kinda creepy to me. I feel like he mostly just wants to make out all the time. Does he really ever talk to these women?
But I love reading these recaps! The only reason I watch!


“Kenny from last season bursts into the arena, trying to hype up the hard of hearing members of the Los Angeles County Quilters Guild. He eyes his target, Arie, who is dressed as a waiter working the Valentine’s Day shift at Chilies. Kenny tosses Arie around a bit before he lets the bachelor sweep the leg Daniel-San style. The girls gush at how Arie is soooo sexy and athletic”…
I spit out my drink at work…this was by far one of the best episodes of the bachelor and I couldn’t wait to hear your take!!! Bravo Bravo!!!


So good, Lincee! Love your use of Jim Halpert gifs.

Lots of laugh out loud moments. My favorite: “Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the reenactment footage.

Annaleise was a baby. ”

I thought Arie and Real Becca were cute with “dork”. It seems they may have that great combination of chemistry and compatibility. My parents, God rest their souls, had all that along with “best looking in high school” going on. They were quick witted and inseparable in over 60 years of marriage. In her mid-80s my mother said regarding marriage longevity, to the delight of my father, “Find someone you just love spending time with. Looks fade. Just look at your father. (Wink)”


Lincee, as always your recap is hilarous. Totally pathetic group dates and I really didn’t need to see the close ups of “pillow lips” eating the women’s faces. Also I wish Arie didn’t dump the women by saying “you’re amazing.”


Ees ok


Best line ever “She may be amazing, but when you’re sparking with four other ladies and a brownie, ties have to be cut sooner rather than later.”


Linsee you are the best.

I thought Arie let Lauren B. flounder. He just sat there and watched her sink. Juan Pablo would have cut loose with at least two “Eets all rights”. I thought LB had potential.

Arie seems lukewarm to most of these beautiful women except for the horizontal elf. But maybe that’s what he is looking for.


I’m dying over “Horizontal Elf”. That’s amazing, thank you for that!


Me too!!


I thought it was Lauren S he sent home? Lauren B is still there.


I was about to scream “PINEAPPLE!” when Jenna mounted Arie at the cocktail party and practically unhinged her jaw to devour him. She can’t even complete a coherent sentence, and her aggressive approach to his face terrifies me


Agree that this season is all but over. Chelsea, Krystal, Bek, Bec and maybe Tia. others might as well go home. Agree also that Arie is not as interesting as I thought he would be. Fortunately, the women are!


I don’t know how you keep all the names straight. I’m still calling them “Olivia wannabe” ‘No Nips Bekah” and “Rizzo”.

I laughed so hard at the dog trauma, I scared Kevin. And by laughing, I mean at the exact moment Annaliese blurted out ‘I ALMOST LOST MY EYE”. I immediately texted my trainer and said OMG–ANOTHER TRAUMA. He was on a date and wasn’t watching yet, but later he texted back OMG–ISN’T THAT THE SAME BROAD AS THE BUMPER CAR TRAUMA? Kevin was NOT impressed. Scared, yes, but not impressed.

When Arie started eating during the one on one, I also commented, well, that’s something that we’ve never seen and that cannot bode well for side boob blonde.

I do remember bikini skiing in San Francisco. That was stupid as hell. Wasn’t that Prince Farming’s season?

Please God, let the 2 on 1 be Krystal and Chelsea!


Oh, I would support that 2 on 1 fully, Kelli!!!

Old Christine
Old Christine

So did Kevin enjoy seeing all the dogs?


He LOVED the dogs. Especially when they were barking. It caught his attention. He thought the dog trauma was BS though. I swear he rolled his eyes.


I loved the “dark corners/naughty deeds” reference from Love Actually, Lincee! But wow, was that a tough episode to watch. Sometimes, the promise of your recap is the only thing that gets me through an especially painful/cringe-worthy episode. So thanks! I took lots of (snarky) mental notes last night about things I wanted to discuss with y’all today, but in the light of day the only thing that feels all that pressing is to chime in on how uninspired I am by Arie so far. I loved him during Emily’s season and figured his experience (and age) would make him an especially savvy, compassionate, and interesting Bachelor. But wow. Not so much. He rarely has anything of substance to say to the women, and I find most of what he does say rather childish. The way he broke up with Lauren S, in particular, bugged me. YES, she got flustered and rambled on and on (and on), but her obvious anxiety and discomfort were honestly refreshing/endearing to me, and he darn well could have thrown her a life line and done something to put her more at ease! Instead he stared off into space, contributed nothing to the conversation, and then tried to martyr himself for letting her go “because she loves her family so much.” Ugh. You are not the man I thought you were, Arie.

Also: Krystal. I think I’m going to need to mute her if I have any hopes of making it through the season without losing my mind. That voice pains me.


I can’t believe no one has mentioned yet how drunk Jenna was at the rose ceremony! Her interaction with Arie made me feel so uncomfortable. She started saying something to him (right as she mounted his lap) in slurred words and she had to pause and turn to the side as if she was like swallowing the feeling of vomit starting to come up! She was so embarrassing, I don’t know how she’s still in the running.


That was real bad. I’m surprised she didn’t pass out on top of him.


Is the Jenna the girl in the white dress? I almost fell off the couch when I saw her on top of him. I couldn’t believe she was acting that way in a dress. Don’t know why I am shocked at what happens on this show.

I am amazed at how Arie can make out with so many girls in just a few hours. Do they give him a few minutes in between to collect himself? My husband is sure Arie’s lips taste like lipstick.

Lincee, I knew you would be disappointed when Chris walked in wearing his grocery shopping outfit.


She said something like, “Do you have any questions or concerns for me?” And Arie responded with, “I can’t think of anything that concerns me right now.” And again later said something about not being able to focus or concentrate at the moment. I thought the whole scene was disgusting!

Tanya T.
Tanya T.

I totally agree….she’s this season’s Ms. Hannigan….the local drunk.


It was like watching a python unhinge it’s jaw to consume a deer. So horrifying


“I’m not sure if the dogs were irritated that they had to be dressed up in prairie skirts and bow ties, or if the girls were just that bad at making kissing sounds and holding up bits of frankfurters.

Babies cried, wayward children toddled up onto the stage, dogs were skittish, and a black modesty box covered a steaming turd on the stage. This is the definition of hot mess.”

Dying. So funny.

I knew Lauren was going home when they zoomed in on her lugging the suitcase down the stairs. So obvious.


Yes, showing the suitcase was a dead giveaway. Also the fact that he said he chose her for the date because she was “mature,” which means she’s age appropriate and normal (equals certain death).


Did anyone else notice Krystal’s voice becomes almost normal when she talks to other women? It’s just when Arie is around that it gets sweet and breathless. Situational nodes.


Yep. That is the fake fakety fake “butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth” croon of a desperate, albeit wounded by life gal with an agenda. I kind of feel sorry for her.

Old Christine
Old Christine

April, you are sooo funny! I can’t stop laughing!
And everything you wrote is true.



“That is the fake fakety fake “butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth” croon of a desperate, albeit wounded by life gal with an agenda…”

You made me start giggling as I was taking a sip of my Coke. I nearly choked but it was worth it.

Angela Neal

That made me laugh out loud in the tub! Situational Nodes;)


‘Situational nodes’! Hee.


I think Arie looks smoking, but bless his heart, he ain’t that bright as evidenced by his one-dimensional conversations (and lack thereof) with the women. I cracked up about Annaliese’s flashback dog trauma reenactment – there’s some great humour going on behind the scenes this season – including poor old Bibiana’s bed/couch thingy. Yes loved the Love Actually reference….Krystal reminds me of that adulterous b-word from that movie! I hope Arie rinses with Listerine (American equivalent mouthwash?) between kisses because we all know the mouth is a cesspit of germs! Loving it from Australia! So glad you’re finally writing/written a book, Lincee…have been saying you should for years! Romantic comedy next please! xxx