Bachelor Arie Recap: Make America Glam Again
The Bachelor Arie Recap Season 22, Episode 4
Marikh: “I think we all might die today.”
Lincee: “From drinking your own pee.”
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who is obsessed with Princess Margaret on The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We discover many things within the first three minutes of The Bachelor this week. Harrison is back in bold blue hues that match his dazzling eyes. #ptl! Krystal is proud of Arie for knowing what he wants by kicking Lauren S. to the curb last week. And as Bekah swims laps, dreaming of the days she had access to a cell phone, the girls inside wonder why their favorite pixie has yet to disclose her age to Arie. There’s a fourteen year difference. Is he robbing the cradle? Or is she robbing the grave? Time will tell.
Harrison tells the girls that they are about to embark on a journey that will take them around the world! Now before you get your hopes up, it’s time to pack your bags, schlep them to the rejection SUVs, and carb up for the two hour drive to Lake Tahoe! That “worldwide” part comes later.
The Tahoe cabin is what Kendall’s dreams are made of and she spares no time analyzing all of the beautiful taxidermy that covers every inch of the humble abode. Outside is even lovelier. The trees are breathtaking, the lake is gorgeous, that bear is awfully close, the geese are honking, yachts are yachting, and our Bachelor is brooding from his balcony as he considers the three dates that loom in the future.
After slipping into their Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts, Bekah announces that Seinne is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one. Caroline chugs her coffee and Baileys upon hearing this news. Seinne is super nervous since the last one-on-one ended in a puddle of tears and wine-stained teeth. But she’s also well traveled, well educated, and well on her way to the top five. She can handle it.
The best part of this entire date wasn’t the parasailing part. Although it is hard to compete with the adrenaline of knowing that you could plummet into the frigid cold water at any moment with your last memories on this earth being attached to a parachute and a guy who doesn’t know how to spell your name.
No, the best part is when the ABC Intern has to run down to the Reno branch of Academy Sports and Outdoors to procure a box of binoculars so the girls not on the parasailing date can see Arie and Seinne on the parasailing date. Except for that one girl who looked at the trees through her binoculars, the others seem pretty upset about it.
As Arie and Seinne float over the glistening water, I’m reminded that love is just like parasailing. It’s about letting go and seeing where life takes you. It’s scary and exciting and full of hope. Hope that you don’t crash and burn.
When Arie invites Seinne to cop-a-squat on the beach, our Yale girl shines. She figuratively pulls conversation from Arie’s mouth, careful to tread lightly when he bristles at the mention of his younger brother’s wedding. My guess is that Arie always assumed the family’s Dutch castle would be reserved for HIS wedding, and not little bro’s.
Arie twitches with the onset of actual feelings, so he pummels Seinne with a tidal wave of compliments. The camera catches their make out session from the back. If you thought Arie was wearing Ellen underwear, you are wrong. We checked.
Seinee shimmies into a tight pink dress for her glamorous dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. I hope she doesn’t get marinara sauce on her lap from the mozzarella cheese sticks. She mentions her parents’ struggle with their relationship and how there are not many stories about a girl like her (read: African-American) getting the happy ending. I felt for her, but not in a pity way. She is honest, as well as strong. Seinne is slowly climbing the ranks in my opinion.
Arie thinks so too, because he gives her the rose and then takes her to dance on the designated carpet in front of LANCO. Along with the superimposed title that read “LANCO,” I was surprised to hear at least half of our watching party participants knew this dude. Or is LANCO a group? Is it a company? Like Lan Co.?
Between this guy and Connor Duermit, my Apple Music subscription is about to get a lot more good looking. Did LANCO (or the main dude of LANCO) remind anyone else of Dawson and his creek? Did you also belt out, “I DON’T WANNA WAIT…” at the TV?
I felt a mix of emotions all at once. Between pining after Fake Dawson and feeling squishy at Arie’s white man bouncing with Seinne, I didn’t really know when to look out from behind the couch cushion. FORTUNATELY, I happened to peek when Arie dips Seinne with complete and total ease.
There’s the Arie I know and love. Can someone get the man a brick wall please?
There’s a sad beginning to the group date. Maquel’s grandfather passed away unexpectedly and she immediately leaves to go home. I’m glad she was able to be with her family, but there’s no follow-up if she’s going to return in upcoming weeks. The question remains, is that fair if she does get to come back?
And if she does, will Arie see this as a potential problem since she is 13 years younger? Can he had “babysitting” to his resume if things don’t work out?
Every other girl on this show is on this date. The theme: Will our love survive? The girls are forced to partake in a wilderness adventure. Although many do not know how to behave with all the fresh air, they agree that the walking boots, wool socks, and adorable ubiquitous scarves were a fun addition to the Lake Tahoe goodie bag. The girls celebrate tight pants, top knots, and a gnarly married couple who insist drinking your own urine is normal.
Once the wife hands out colored Yetis to all the girls, the viewing audience is treated to an array of reactions and noises. Lauren refuses. Krystal thinks that this is beneath her. We find Arie by a rock doing his biz, and someone mid-hunker with her LuLus down around her ankles.
The husband suggests that Arie drink his own pee first. This is the moment I was incredibly thankful that the temperature in Houston dipped down into the 40s, because I was wearing a turtle neck. I buried my entire head into my own wintery shirt and considered what was about to happen.
Could they not use Marikh’s weave to filter the urine before drinking it?
Why was Arie so eager to enter into this dare?
Does everyone think Arie is worth this part of the journey?
How much animal urine has Kendall consumed?
I crawl out from the folds of my turtle neck just in time to see Arie swig from his bottle. I gagged when he spit it out. I further surpassed chunks when my girl Jacqueline started to shoot hers tequila style. Arie was able to stop the madness just in time by screaming, “It’s apple juice!”
I find all of this odd and uncharacteristic of everything I know Arie to be. To add snacking on bugs to the mix landed in the ludicrous camp.
I’m also concerned about Kendall. She was a little too enthusiastic to chow down on some worms and larva. I further thought all hope was lost when she “clinked” said earthworm as if it were a flute of champagne.
Come on, Arie. You should always live every moment of your life with a WWHD attitude. What would Harrison do?
He definitely wouldn’t dine on nature. And I’m quite confident he would insist you gargle with single malt whiskey before sidling up to steal a kiss with bits of bug in your teeth.
Arie seemed to enjoy swapping worm gut saliva with Kendall. She just went for it. Who knew invertebrates were an aphrodisiac?
The next activity on the agenda is not for the directionally challenged. The girls are split into three teams. They must navigate through the forest to the special location at the end. That’s code for hot tub. Arie quickly shouts, “I’M ON THE BLUE TEAM!” It’s the most excited I’ve ever seen him.
On the blue team is his bug lover Kendall, Krystal, Tia, and Caroline. All of the other girls are simply livid that he chooses to hike in the snow with his favorites. Chelsea and Brittany are at odds, while Jenna looks clueless, and Mardashian combs her hair and makes duck faces at her compass. The blue team makes it to the oasis in no time. The others take a one-way ticket on the struggle bus.
My question is: what was in the backpack? The trek is one mile. Do that have rations? Is there a selection of bikinis with which to romp around in? I know Kendall’s backpack is probably full of everything Ping needs to survive, and Becca is probably carrying around all of her Rachel Zoe clothes, but what about the rest of them?
The blue team gets into their bikinis and settle into the hot tub. Arie automatically sits next to Krystal and puts his arm around her.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, MAN? YOU ARE IN A HOT TUB WITH THREE OTHER WOMEN.
Krystal looooooooves it and her fake smile seems genuine for a moment. Unfortunately, when that happens, her voice dips into sultry baby. Caroline and Tia straight up call Arie out, in a funny way, by mirroring the cute couple. Arie buys a clue and decides to “sit in the middle of the hot tub.”
The rest of the girls finally make it across the mountain and join the party. No one had to eat another member of their group while they were braving the wilderness. Krystal’s smile turns pageant and she complains that she feels like a camp counselor around all these silly people who don’t know who they are in life. She can’t wait to steal Arie away at the party. Even though she’s not sure what she wants to say, she knows it will be perfect. And it will be in a scratchy whisper. #nodes
Arie chooses to speak to Lauren first after the “let’s get this party started” clink of champagne glasses. She’s clearly nervous, because Arie is burning through Laurens like nobody’s business. Arie wraps her up in a fur blanket and is denied a kiss when Lauren chooses to have, like, a conversation and stuff. They talk about opening up and what they are looking for (a kiss) and how he wants an independent woman who is his cheerleader. Something about being equals and Lauren’s vision of being “super old and gross and still spanking each other’s butts.”
Now it’s time for the kiss. Mark my words…Arie likes her.
Meanwhile, Krystal monologues to the girls that she thought the group date seemed very competitive. She’s not used to that because she’s all about the one-on-one. Then Mardashian reminds her that she was on the blue team, the team who spent an entire afternoon not getting lost on the mountain, and she needs to stop being so insensitive.
Tia takes a different approach: “When Krystal talks, my face wants to drink things.”
While Krystal complains to Arie that she is being ostracized by the group because he clearly likes her the best (exhibit A: the hand around the shoulder in the hot tub), Tia and Caroline continue down a path of intoxication. They begin adopting their own form of nodes, whispering KRYSTAL, as a signal to the others that Arie is with “her.”
Tia tries to steal Arie away, but he isn’t having it. This results in more booze and an intervention from Krystal with Tia and Caroline. Krystal complains that her feelings were hurt and that she was attacked in the hot tub. Caroline all but laughs at her, while Tia stares her down as if to say, “You will know when I attack you.”
When Krystal plays the victim card, I thought Tia was going to break her high ball glass and cut Krystal there on the fury pillow that matches her fury vest. Instead, Tia lays it on thick, explaining to Krystal that she is rude and everyone thinks so. Then she cries on Arie’s shoulder (dude) because her character has been attacked. She knows this for a fact since Krystal admitted she told Arie that Tia and Caroline were mean girls.
On Wednesdays we wear off the shoulder sweaters with not backs in pink.
Tia melts down. I melt down because she’s in my top three. I need her to rally. Thankfully Arie hands her the date rose and all is right with the world. Unless you live in Krystal’s world, where it’s super hard to be so awesome.
Bekah executes the first Jump and Straddle® of the season. Arie adds a twirl. This must be true love. I will admit that I was concerned for his knees, but he pulled it off without appearing to need a back adjustment from the ABC Chiropractor.
Arie thinks Bekah is full of life and wisdom and is deeper than any woman he’s dated in the past. She so mature. Let’s hear it for hilarious foreshadowing!
They horseback ride and then arrive at an outdoor hot tub. Arie announces that he is “so naked” as he stands behind a divider and I have to wonder if he is still “so naked” in the hot tub. Everything is coming up Bekah and she couldn’t be more excited for dinner at the Hard Rock. CHICKEN WINGS!!!
They banter back and forth about how much chemistry they have and how they weren’t expecting it to be so strong so fast. Love is in the air! So is the aroma of fajita smoke.
Arie is in this to win this and needs to lock things down before a cousin comes along and decides to get married in a Dutch castle. He asks Bekah if she’s ready to settle down.
She is quick to remind him that she would be if it was the right time or the right person, but she can’t know if she’s never been in that situation before. Arie reflects on this answer and launches into his “I’m an old man” speech. He wakes up with the sun. He doesn’t enjoy doing things now that he did even five years ago. There’s no more partying. He is officially boring.
Arie has nothing to worry about. Bekah totally gets up at the crack of dawn so she can go hiking with her friends on Saturday mornings. That’s the same.
Sensing that Arie suspects he isn’t working with all the facts, Bekah merrily asks him if he knows how old she is? Arie astutely answers “young” and Bekha hems and haws, using her pixie charm to soften the blow when she finally answers twenty-two.
Arie’s hand flies to his face. No blows were softened. It is a straight up punch to the bread basket. He literally tries with all his might not to cry real tears of disappointment. The letters “OMG” were uttered over and over before he asks the question we’ve all been asking ourselves:
Have you ever dated?
Okay, so there was a long pause after “dated” followed by “anyone my age.” But the devastation remains true. Arie begins panicking, wondering if he’s crossed some sort of weird line already. Is Bekah old enough to be reaped for the Hunger Games? Will people think she is his father if they are partying in the club on the weekend? Is she old enough to pick up his prescription for the muscle relaxers he will definitely need after partying in the club over the weekend?
Bekah takes matters into her own hands. She starts meeting Arie where he is and agrees with everything he’s saying. If he’s scared, she’s equally scared. If he’s wondering if this will work, she’s wondering how her friends will accept him. If he thinks she’s too young, she reminds him that her entire family marries young…21, 20, 19…
I’m sure these family members were marrying other people who were also 21, 20, 19-year-olds, but whatever.
Arie starts to give Bekah an out, begging her to leave if she thinks this is too much. But she’s feeling the feels. He admits to the feels too. Arie shakes his head and tells her that when he was twenty-two…
Right before I can say, “Arie, I beg of you not to complete that sentence,” Bekah jumps in with, “I’m not Arie.”
Arie stares her in the face and says that he’s not looking for a 22-year-old girlfriend. He wants a wife. And this feeling he has inside of him is scary. Has she lived enough to get married?
Then he gives her the rose because we are still weeks away from fantasy dates.
He holds her head, because she simply can’t, and his fingers go through her gigantic hoop earrings. They share a kiss and the entire time I PRAY for him not to accidentally rip her earlobes to shreds. As a master in the art of making out, he didn’t.
Everyone is super excited for the cocktail party because they just need more time with Arie. This is the dead giveaway that there will not be a cocktail party. Our Host Chris Harrison walks in looking all sorts of F-I-N-E in his suit. He breaks the news to the ladies that Arie has made his decision and feels there is no reason to delay the inevitable.
The girls line up with Seinne, Tia, and Bekah holding their roses. Right before Arie announces the name of the first girl, Krystal requests a private audience so she can really put the nodes into overdrive to plead her case that she has a connection with him.
This exchange takes so long that the other girls sit down and ditch their fancy heels. Becca is ticked. This is the definition of disrespectful. She says this as Bekah lays her head on other Becca’s shoulder.
They finally head back into the room and Arie hands roses go to:
Brittany and Caroline are out. This is super annoying because my bracket is once again busted. I slid Caroline in Lauren’s place from last week. Does this mean I have to put Krystal in my top five? I refuse. I’ll go with random Ashley before I do that.