Bachelor Arie Recap: Fantasy Suite Dates
How many of you expected Ross to shout, “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” at one point during his insipid conversation with Becca?
Was that just me?
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who is obsessed with Princess Margaret on The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our bachelor and company are in exotic Peru and Arie has packed his blue, bluish, grayish blue, navy, dark navy, sky blue, baby blue, turquoise blue shirts, and that one white tee he wears with his shorts and grandpa socks.
Kendall is the first date out of the gate, which should make her feel confident that she drew such a great number in the line-up. Number one just seems like the healthiest position considering the circumstances.
She ironically dresses in a belly shirt, ripped jeans, and a flannel shirt wrapped around her waist, ready to throw in my face that the styling options of a decade I did not embrace are back to haunt me. Grunge. Ugh.
Arie takes her to the desert to ride a dune buggy without using the handy dandy bandanas the dune buggy operator helpfully provided. Those contacts are toast. The pair exit the buggy, giggling like a pair of hyenas.
They also go sand surfing. Kendall majorly wipes out and Arie hops off his own board to save her by laying on top of her horizontal body chillin’ in the sand. This action alone secures my assumption that both Kendall and Arie now have sand in folds and crevices where sand need not be.
Kendall sets out a blanket, while Arie retrieves their snack from a Peruvian Tupperware container. Kendall continues to wrestle with concerning thoughts. She needs more time to discover what this relationship could be and if it can stand the test of time — like taxidermy.
That night, they have drinks in a tiki hut in the middle of the desert. She’s wearing a fierce red romper and owning it. She explains all her feels to Arie, applauding him for calling her out at the last rose ceremony. Kendall knows she’s not emotionally at the same place as the other two women, but she trusts Arie to tell her if she’s the kind of person he can visualize himself with in the future.
He says he definitely can and both tell each other they are falling in love. Cheers!
Now that that’s out of the way, Arie whips out the fantasy date card and hands it to Kendall who, bless her heart, thinks it’s an actual letter from Arie. I bet she thinks that skeleton key actually opens the door to the fantasy suite, too.
This is why contestants need to be familiar with the show before they sign their life away to the powers that be over at ABC.
The fantasy suite proves to be magical. Arie and Kendall make out, which gets his motor running. I wonder if Ping is watching somewhere in the background?
A slow pan of discarded garments introduces the morning shot. Kendall is no longer afraid, y’all! She can see herself with this man! The man that she constantly jumps and straddles.
Someone call the ABC Intern to fetch Arie a back brace. This is getting serious. He’s almost two quarters old! Do we really need to hire a staff chiropractor?
Arie tells the camera that he can see a future with Kendall. A future where they see each other at Bachelor-related events, but don’t tell her he said that.
Down the shore, Lauren dresses in her favorite belly shirt that just happens to be off-the-shoulder, too! I can see her abs and I’m rethinking my decision to eat half a bag of marshmallows for dinner.
Lauren performs a modified version of the Jump and Straddle — the Jump and Spin. She prefers the distant cousin to the real deal. Arie hoists her in a tiny plane and they look at Peruvian crop circles for the afternoon. And when I say they looked at Peruvian crop circles, that’s exactly what they did. They do not talk, kiss, make eye contact, or smile, but there are lots of blank stares.
Arie thinks Lauren may have some walls up.
Dinner by the water isn’t much better. Lauren pleads with Arie, knowing that he has “been in this situation before” and she implores him to empathize what she’s going through. Arie can’t really do that, because he’s too busy thinking about his horizontal tango with Kendall and which blue button up he’s going to wear on his fantasy date with the woman sitting next to him.
Arie tosses Lauren a flippant “I see potential in you being my wife” thinking this will alleviate all of the voices in Lauren’s head. Sadly, it backfires on him. The closer she gets to Arie, the more afraid she is to have her heart broken, which makes her scared and threaten to leave the show because she doesn’t want to risk falling more in love with him every day.
For the first time, Arie looks scared that a front-runner may take herself out of the race. Lauren lays it on thick, explaining that she needs to feel like she’s the only girl that he sees.
Arie wisely points out that Lauren’s request is difficult, because there are two other girls. WALLS UP! Arie tells the camera that he is hurt! He feels like he’s reassuring her as much as he possibly can. He hopes seeing more of her in the fantasy suite will help matters.
Ha! He hopes to see more of her. In the fantasy suite. Ha.
I’ll tell you one thing: Lauren knows how to dress her petite body with pieces that are pretty and not extravagant. Tonight’s outfit might be one of my favorites. Blood red with black lace. She looks great.
As she sips lemonade, Arie consoles her for having a “heavy weight” on her shoulders. Life is not going to get any easier, but he wants her to know that he couldn’t have done this without her.
Don’t forget Becca.
And the other 22 women who stopped their lives to participate in a reality show.
And the ABC Intern.
Or craft services.
Lauren is annoyed that her freaked out feelings keep messing with her mind. She blames her madness on deep rooted trust issues, which makes perfect sense due to the fact that her current boyfriend is dating other women. She wants Arie to confirm that he will be confident in his final decision, not just for the day, but for the rest of his life.
I don’t do spoilers, but this line made me think of foreshadowing for some reason.
Arie compliments Lauren for making him feel emotions he hasn’t felt in a long time. He’s confident in their relationship because “I love you.” And out pops the forego card!
For some reason, ABC plays a stripped down version of “How Do I Live Without You.” Depending on your personal preference, this ‘90s classic is brought to you by the vocal stylings of LeAnn Rimes or Trisha Yearwood.
Why am I feeling a foreshadowing tingle again? I’ve watched this show for ages and other than “On the Wings of Love,” I do not recall any date with a musical accompaniment, unless the couple is swaying to a new song that some random folk singer or once-popular band is about to drop on iTunes.
Arie and Lauren do their thing and we see the couple the next morning. As much as her abs irritate me, Lauren’s ability to look fresh as a daisy without makeup is equally aggravating.
Arie tells her nine thousand times that he loves her. It’s the happiest Lauren has looked the entire season. In fact, I didn’t know the nerves in her face could make her mouth turn in the shape of a smile. She even keeps the grin when Arie frumps out of her room looking like a background character on Cocoon. What were up with those socks?
Becca completes the trifecta of wearing a belly shirt on her date. She pairs it with denim cutoffs. After performing her own Jump and Straddle®, she bounds onto the catamaran to have a wonderful day with Arie. Who cares that he’s in khakis and a blue sweater like a friendly grandpa? He was willing to execute the infamous Titanic scene. That’s true love.
Becca: How are you?
Arie: I’m okay.
Lincee: That’s code for “a little itchy.”
As they sail by a thousand seals on some rocks, Arie tells the camera that Becca is safe. She tells the camera that Arie is the one. They discuss life issues, such as, where will we live? Arie touts a harmless “whenever you want.” This declaration makes Becca want to tell Arie that she loves him.
That evening, Arie escorts Becca to a tent in the dessert. She wishes she hadn’t worn her best crushed velvet evening gown, but it’s navy and she wanted to match her beau. She asks Arie if he has any fears. He says no. His body language is all over the map as he takes back his previous answer by responding, “I’m nervous I’m going to choose someone and that don’t choose me. Or I’ll choose the wrong person.”
Becca doesn’t know how to receive this bit of news, so she goes for broke and tells Arie that she loves him. Well, she says, “Like, I love you.” Eesh. Arie brightens and tells Becca that he is not falling in love, he IS in love. There was no “like” to launch his declaration.
He hands her the fantasy date card which was conveniently labeled as overnight date. Why is this important? Because Becs didn’t score a tricked out Peruvian suite. She wasn’t even given the chance to forego. Becca is fantasizing in a yurt in the middle of the desert. Two dunes away.
Was the yurt nice? I’m sure it was! Who wouldn’t want to spend the night on a double air mattress with zero running water! Don’t put the chocolate covered strawberries on the ground. It will attract the sand scorpions. There’s a bush by the front door and here’s your shovel. Have fun kids!
Arie tries to diffuse the bathroom weirdness by telling Becca over and over and over again that he loves her. The next morning, the ABC Intern whips up some scrambled eggs and fruit for breakfast in his own tent and then makes Arie and Becca walk a hundred yards away from the protection of their yurt to bake in the hot desert sun while dining on warm pineapple and runny eggs.
Becca claims her cheeks hurt because of all the smiling she’s done in the last twenty-four hours. I don’t buy it. It’s either sunburn or wind burn. Don’t get me started on all the sand. With granules here and there, I doubt the vagine feels platinum.
That afternoon, Becca’s ex-boyfriend Ross (the one she dated for seven years) has made his way to Peru to claim his woman. He can’t let her marry another man, so he hops a plane, drives five hours, wiggles into an ill-fitting suit, buys some roadside flowers, and knocks on Arie’s door to “chat for a second.”
After questioning why hotel management was at his door, Arie breaks the fourth wall and for a split second, he looks into the camera. He is trying to keep it together.
Arie isn’t intimidated by Red Ross. He knows this is a publicity stunt. I think Arie is ticked that the producers would stoop low enough to either go after this guy from their end, or allow him to profess his fake love on his end. You see, Ross claims he heard Becca was on the show, so he “reached out on the Internet” and finally found someone who could help him out.
In my mind, someone in the franchise checked out Ross’ story, paid for him to fly to Peru to shake it up, gave him a script to memorize on the five hour car ride, and told him to not take no for an answer unless fifteen minutes have passed.
Or someone heard the “seven year relationship” story and immediately stalked Facebook to arrange the entire thing themselves. Either way, Arie rolls his eyes as if to say, “Y’all. Really? Why are you doing this to me? Is this really necessary?”
Ross tells Arie that he completely understands how he fell in love with Becca so fast. Because Ross did the same thing. TWINNING! Becca is the love of Ross’ life and he wants to marry her too. To be clear, he didn’t want to marry her at any time in the seven years he had the opportunity, but now he’s good to go.
Arie wonders if Ross is just being competitive. Ross doesn’t think so. He’s thought of nothing else but Becca for the past seven days year. Arie asks Ross if he thinks Becca feels the same way? I mean, they’ve been broken up for a year. Surely she’s moved on.
Let’s find out.
Ross leaves Arie’s hotel room and makes his way over to Becca’s abode. Arie thinks Ross is unclassy. And crazy.
Becca is sort of shocked to see Ross. She doesn’t let him in her room and forces him to give her the short version of his travel logistics as she sits on the outdoor stairs. She keeps repeating, “I knew you were going to do this” while Ross stifles a grin.
Becca doesn’t cry. She curses a lot, but the entire thing seems fabricated to me. Ross is not passionate at all. He recites lines like they are, well, lines from a script. It’s all very One Act Play. I was going to give them the benefit of this being a reality show, until Becca compared Ross to Noah from The Notebook.
Oh. No. You. Didn’t.
Ross takes the compliment, even though everyone knows he’s the mean jock who taunts the nerdy boy our main heroine finally realizes she’s in love with…duh. Ross tells Becca that he told “the guy” that she has the “heart of gold and the soul of a saint.” Kudos to producers for plucking that straight from Pinterest.
Becca stops him short. He spoke to Arie? What did he say?
Ross regurgitates all of this lines and Becca decides she’s had enough. That’s Ross’ cue for “wishing her well” and pretending to sulk off into the horizon since he has no business being there. He feels like a fool, A FOOL, for coming here.
Becca takes to the bed for a few minutes, trying to process through what just happened, wondering if her performance was up to par. She makes her way to Arie’s room and walks straight into his arms. She tells him that she’s sick to her stomach and never expected him to show up. Becca doesn’t want their perfect night in the yurt tainted.
Notice that she never once tells him that she doesn’t like Ross and that she kicked him to the curb. Arie asks her if there is something still there. She claims there isn’t. Arie needs time to process in order to figure out what to do. So he goes to Harrison for another round of Battle of the Blue Eyes.
Becca gets dressed in a pink wedding gown as Arie tells Hare that his conversation and time with Becs is never forced. Lauren slithers into a cherry red cocktail number as Arie laments that he’s nervous she might take herself out of the running.
And there’s Kendall! I totally forgot about her! Yes, she’s so fun, but fortunately she’s not ready for marriage. What a relief. He doesn’t have to feel about about not giving her a rose. Hooray!
Arie steps up to the podium, which is positioned far, far away from the three ladies. A horse stands behind him. Is this a Peruvian rejection limo?
Arie pulls and Arie and asks to speak to Kendall privately. He tells her that she is not what he’s looking for and she breathes normally for the first time in days. She thanks him for being in her life, hugs him seven different times, and cries that she wishes they had more time. She just couldn’t get there and wasn’t comfortable pretending.
With this knowledge, do you think ABC would ever consider her for the next bachelorette? Since she’s not ready for marriage, will they be forced to choose Tia? Deep thoughts.
Both Becca and Lauren risk life and limb to scoot across the cobblestone pavement to retrieve their rose. Both claim that Arie would never tell them he loves them if he had said it to the other woman. And both don’t see how they will not be the ones with the final rose.
Bring on the finale!