Bachelor Arie Recap: Fantasy Suite Dates

How many of you expected Ross to shout, “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” at one point during his insipid conversation with Becca?

Was that just me?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who is obsessed with Princess Margaret on The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

KENDALL
Our bachelor and company are in exotic Peru and Arie has packed his blue, bluish, grayish blue, navy, dark navy, sky blue, baby blue, turquoise blue shirts, and that one white tee he wears with his shorts and grandpa socks.

Kendall is the first date out of the gate, which should make her feel confident that she drew such a great number in the line-up. Number one just seems like the healthiest position considering the circumstances.

She ironically dresses in a belly shirt, ripped jeans, and a flannel shirt wrapped around her waist, ready to throw in my face that the styling options of a decade I did not embrace are back to haunt me. Grunge. Ugh.

Arie takes her to the desert to ride a dune buggy without using the handy dandy bandanas the dune buggy operator helpfully provided. Those contacts are toast. The pair exit the buggy, giggling like a pair of hyenas.

They also go sand surfing. Kendall majorly wipes out and Arie hops off his own board to save her by laying on top of her horizontal body chillin’ in the sand. This action alone secures my assumption that both Kendall and Arie now have sand in folds and crevices where sand need not be.

Kendall sets out a blanket, while Arie retrieves their snack from a Peruvian Tupperware container. Kendall continues to wrestle with concerning thoughts. She needs more time to discover what this relationship could be and if it can stand the test of time — like taxidermy.

That night, they have drinks in a tiki hut in the middle of the desert. She’s wearing a fierce red romper and owning it. She explains all her feels to Arie, applauding him for calling her out at the last rose ceremony. Kendall knows she’s not emotionally at the same place as the other two women, but she trusts Arie to tell her if she’s the kind of person he can visualize himself with in the future.

He says he definitely can and both tell each other they are falling in love. Cheers!

Now that that’s out of the way, Arie whips out the fantasy date card and hands it to Kendall who, bless her heart, thinks it’s an actual letter from Arie. I bet she thinks that skeleton key actually opens the door to the fantasy suite, too.

This is why contestants need to be familiar with the show before they sign their life away to the powers that be over at ABC.

The fantasy suite proves to be magical. Arie and Kendall make out, which gets his motor running. I wonder if Ping is watching somewhere in the background?

A slow pan of discarded garments introduces the morning shot. Kendall is no longer afraid, y’all! She can see herself with this man! The man that she constantly jumps and straddles.

Someone call the ABC Intern to fetch Arie a back brace. This is getting serious. He’s almost two quarters old! Do we really need to hire a staff chiropractor?

Arie tells the camera that he can see a future with Kendall. A future where they see each other at Bachelor-related events, but don’t tell her he said that.

LAUREN
Down the shore, Lauren dresses in her favorite belly shirt that just happens to be off-the-shoulder, too! I can see her abs and I’m rethinking my decision to eat half a bag of marshmallows for dinner.

Lauren performs a modified version of the Jump and Straddle — the Jump and Spin. She prefers the distant cousin to the real deal. Arie hoists her in a tiny plane and they look at Peruvian crop circles for the afternoon. And when I say they looked at Peruvian crop circles, that’s exactly what they did. They do not talk, kiss, make eye contact, or smile, but there are lots of blank stares.

Arie thinks Lauren may have some walls up.

Dinner by the water isn’t much better. Lauren pleads with Arie, knowing that he has “been in this situation before” and she implores him to empathize what she’s going through. Arie can’t really do that, because he’s too busy thinking about his horizontal tango with Kendall and which blue button up he’s going to wear on his fantasy date with the woman sitting next to him.

Arie tosses Lauren a flippant “I see potential in you being my wife” thinking this will alleviate all of the voices in Lauren’s head. Sadly, it backfires on him. The closer she gets to Arie, the more afraid she is to have her heart broken, which makes her scared and threaten to leave the show because she doesn’t want to risk falling more in love with him every day.

For the first time, Arie looks scared that a front-runner may take herself out of the race. Lauren lays it on thick, explaining that she needs to feel like she’s the only girl that he sees.

Arie wisely points out that Lauren’s request is difficult, because there are two other girls. WALLS UP! Arie tells the camera that he is hurt! He feels like he’s reassuring her as much as he possibly can. He hopes seeing more of her in the fantasy suite will help matters.

Ha! He hopes to see more of her. In the fantasy suite. Ha.

I’ll tell you one thing: Lauren knows how to dress her petite body with pieces that are pretty and not extravagant. Tonight’s outfit might be one of my favorites. Blood red with black lace. She looks great.

As she sips lemonade, Arie consoles her for having a “heavy weight” on her shoulders. Life is not going to get any easier, but he wants her to know that he couldn’t have done this without her.

Or Kendall.

Don’t forget Becca.

And the other 22 women who stopped their lives to participate in a reality show.

Or Harrison.

And the ABC Intern.

Or craft services.

Lauren is annoyed that her freaked out feelings keep messing with her mind. She blames her madness on deep rooted trust issues, which makes perfect sense due to the fact that her current boyfriend is dating other women. She wants Arie to confirm that he will be confident in his final decision, not just for the day, but for the rest of his life.

I don’t do spoilers, but this line made me think of foreshadowing for some reason.

Arie compliments Lauren for making him feel emotions he hasn’t felt in a long time. He’s confident in their relationship because “I love you.” And out pops the forego card!

For some reason, ABC plays a stripped down version of “How Do I Live Without You.” Depending on your personal preference, this ‘90s classic is brought to you by the vocal stylings of LeAnn Rimes or Trisha Yearwood.

Why am I feeling a foreshadowing tingle again? I’ve watched this show for ages and other than “On the Wings of Love,” I do not recall any date with a musical accompaniment, unless the couple is swaying to a new song that some random folk singer or once-popular band is about to drop on iTunes.

Arie and Lauren do their thing and we see the couple the next morning. As much as her abs irritate me, Lauren’s ability to look fresh as a daisy without makeup is equally aggravating.

Arie tells her nine thousand times that he loves her. It’s the happiest Lauren has looked the entire season. In fact, I didn’t know the nerves in her face could make her mouth turn in the shape of a smile. She even keeps the grin when Arie frumps out of her room looking like a background character on Cocoon. What were up with those socks?

BECCA
Becca completes the trifecta of wearing a belly shirt on her date. She pairs it with denim cutoffs. After performing her own Jump and Straddle®, she bounds onto the catamaran to have a wonderful day with Arie. Who cares that he’s in khakis and a blue sweater like a friendly grandpa? He was willing to execute the infamous Titanic scene. That’s true love.

Becca: How are you?
Arie: I’m okay.
Lincee: That’s code for “a little itchy.”

As they sail by a thousand seals on some rocks, Arie tells the camera that Becca is safe. She tells the camera that Arie is the one. They discuss life issues, such as, where will we live? Arie touts a harmless “whenever you want.” This declaration makes Becca want to tell Arie that she loves him.

That evening, Arie escorts Becca to a tent in the dessert. She wishes she hadn’t worn her best crushed velvet evening gown, but it’s navy and she wanted to match her beau. She asks Arie if he has any fears. He says no. His body language is all over the map as he takes back his previous answer by responding, “I’m nervous I’m going to choose someone and that don’t choose me. Or I’ll choose the wrong person.”

Becca doesn’t know how to receive this bit of news, so she goes for broke and tells Arie that she loves him. Well, she says, “Like, I love you.” Eesh. Arie brightens and tells Becca that he is not falling in love, he IS in love. There was no “like” to launch his declaration.

He hands her the fantasy date card which was conveniently labeled as overnight date. Why is this important? Because Becs didn’t score a tricked out Peruvian suite. She wasn’t even given the chance to forego. Becca is fantasizing in a yurt in the middle of the desert. Two dunes away.

Was the yurt nice? I’m sure it was! Who wouldn’t want to spend the night on a double air mattress with zero running water! Don’t put the chocolate covered strawberries on the ground. It will attract the sand scorpions. There’s a bush by the front door and here’s your shovel. Have fun kids!

Arie tries to diffuse the bathroom weirdness by telling Becca over and over and over again that he loves her. The next morning, the ABC Intern whips up some scrambled eggs and fruit for breakfast in his own tent and then makes Arie and Becca walk a hundred yards away from the protection of their yurt to bake in the hot desert sun while dining on warm pineapple and runny eggs.

Becca claims her cheeks hurt because of all the smiling she’s done in the last twenty-four hours. I don’t buy it. It’s either sunburn or wind burn. Don’t get me started on all the sand. With granules here and there, I doubt the vagine feels platinum.

That afternoon, Becca’s ex-boyfriend Ross (the one she dated for seven years) has made his way to Peru to claim his woman. He can’t let her marry another man, so he hops a plane, drives five hours, wiggles into an ill-fitting suit, buys some roadside flowers, and knocks on Arie’s door to “chat for a second.”

After questioning why hotel management was at his door, Arie breaks the fourth wall and for a split second, he looks into the camera. He is trying to keep it together.

Arie isn’t intimidated by Red Ross. He knows this is a publicity stunt. I think Arie is ticked that the producers would stoop low enough to either go after this guy from their end, or allow him to profess his fake love on his end. You see, Ross claims he heard Becca was on the show, so he “reached out on the Internet” and finally found someone who could help him out.

In my mind, someone in the franchise checked out Ross’ story, paid for him to fly to Peru to shake it up, gave him a script to memorize on the five hour car ride, and told him to not take no for an answer unless fifteen minutes have passed.

Or someone heard the “seven year relationship” story and immediately stalked Facebook to arrange the entire thing themselves. Either way, Arie rolls his eyes as if to say, “Y’all. Really? Why are you doing this to me? Is this really necessary?”

Ross tells Arie that he completely understands how he fell in love with Becca so fast. Because Ross did the same thing. TWINNING! Becca is the love of Ross’ life and he wants to marry her too. To be clear, he didn’t want to marry her at any time in the seven years he had the opportunity, but now he’s good to go.

via GIPHY

Arie wonders if Ross is just being competitive. Ross doesn’t think so. He’s thought of nothing else but Becca for the past seven days year. Arie asks Ross if he thinks Becca feels the same way? I mean, they’ve been broken up for a year. Surely she’s moved on.

Let’s find out.

Ross leaves Arie’s hotel room and makes his way over to Becca’s abode. Arie thinks Ross is unclassy. And crazy.

Becca is sort of shocked to see Ross. She doesn’t let him in her room and forces him to give her the short version of his travel logistics as she sits on the outdoor stairs. She keeps repeating, “I knew you were going to do this” while Ross stifles a grin.

Becca doesn’t cry. She curses a lot, but the entire thing seems fabricated to me. Ross is not passionate at all. He recites lines like they are, well, lines from a script. It’s all very One Act Play. I was going to give them the benefit of this being a reality show, until Becca compared Ross to Noah from The Notebook.

Oh. No. You. Didn’t.

Ross takes the compliment, even though everyone knows he’s the mean jock who taunts the nerdy boy our main heroine finally realizes she’s in love with…duh. Ross tells Becca that he told “the guy” that she has the “heart of gold and the soul of a saint.” Kudos to producers for plucking that straight from Pinterest.

Becca stops him short. He spoke to Arie? What did he say?

Ross regurgitates all of this lines and Becca decides she’s had enough. That’s Ross’ cue for “wishing her well” and pretending to sulk off into the horizon since he has no business being there. He feels like a fool, A FOOL, for coming here.

Becca takes to the bed for a few minutes, trying to process through what just happened, wondering if her performance was up to par. She makes her way to Arie’s room and walks straight into his arms. She tells him that she’s sick to her stomach and never expected him to show up. Becca doesn’t want their perfect night in the yurt tainted.

Notice that she never once tells him that she doesn’t like Ross and that she kicked him to the curb. Arie asks her if there is something still there. She claims there isn’t. Arie needs time to process in order to figure out what to do. So he goes to Harrison for another round of Battle of the Blue Eyes.

ROSE CEREMONY
Becca gets dressed in a pink wedding gown as Arie tells Hare that his conversation and time with Becs is never forced. Lauren slithers into a cherry red cocktail number as Arie laments that he’s nervous she might take herself out of the running.

And there’s Kendall! I totally forgot about her! Yes, she’s so fun, but fortunately she’s not ready for marriage. What a relief. He doesn’t have to feel about about not giving her a rose. Hooray!

Arie steps up to the podium, which is positioned far, far away from the three ladies. A horse stands behind him. Is this a Peruvian rejection limo?

Arie pulls and Arie and asks to speak to Kendall privately. He tells her that she is not what he’s looking for and she breathes normally for the first time in days. She thanks him for being in her life, hugs him seven different times, and cries that she wishes they had more time. She just couldn’t get there and wasn’t comfortable pretending.

With this knowledge, do you think ABC would ever consider her for the next bachelorette? Since she’s not ready for marriage, will they be forced to choose Tia? Deep thoughts.

Both Becca and Lauren risk life and limb to scoot across the cobblestone pavement to retrieve their rose. Both claim that Arie would never tell them he loves them if he had said it to the other woman. And both don’t see how they will not be the ones with the final rose.

Bring on the finale!

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Kate
Kate

Did anyone else think that Arie looked a little ‘meh’ in comparison to Ross? I know that his suit didn’t fit and he must have had major issues to date Becca for 7 years but never want to marry her until now (?), but I thought he was pretty cute!

I also noticed the relief on Kendall’s face when she realized she was going to get to leave; it reminded me of Beca from Farmer Chris’s season, who also was ready to go home!

Miss Ellys
Miss Ellys

Ross seemed like quite a nice guy. I can’t believe Becca dissed him for wanting to live “The Notebook” life.

baseballmama
baseballmama

That’s what I thought too. The suit didn’t fit but he was a cutie.

Karen
Karen

He might have seemed like a nice guy and appeared handsome to some (not my cup of tea), but recently Becca came out and said she stands by her decision and does not believe in continuing in a relationship that was unhealthy and where she was not treated well. Apart from getting swept up in the craziness of bachelor world, she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders and it’s bugging me that people are giving this guy so much positive attention when perhaps it’s not deserved? I mean, 7 years is probably enough time for her to have gotten to know him pretty well, right?!? Just my two cents for what they’re worth…

DeeBee

Well said. Becca also mentioned the relationship had been long distance at times and it was only she that made the effort to see each other.

Tasha
Tasha

Agreed. As someone with a charming good looking ex that treated me like crap. Everyone thought I was crazy to leave such a good thing. Eye roll.

Miss Ellys
Miss Ellys

OH MY GOODNESS. I had to rewatch this episode this morning because I fell totally asleep to it last night.

That Ross business was such a steaming basket of nonsense.

But Arie called Becca “SAFE” which is very different from a couple having a “SAFE WORD”. This doth not bode well, but for whom exactly I’m as unsure as I am about if I just used whom correctly. I want Kendall to be The Bachelorette so bad instead of another boring Brunette. (I’m a Brunette IRL but it feels like ages since we had a blonde Bachelorette. This may seem shallow but how am I supposed to tell all these perky medium brunettes apart anymore?). A crop circle date is a new low.

Adrienne
Adrienne

The “crop circles” were the Nazca Lines which are over a thousand years old and designated as a UNESCO World Heritage site. I would love the opportunity to see them in person one day!

Katie
Katie

Ditto!

Kelly
Kelly

Love the recap! Fav line: “With granules here and there, I doubt the vagine feels platinum.”
YES, I was thinking the same thing! Ouch.
I’m disappointed in Arie telling all the girls that he loved them and right before Fantasy Suites. It’s a d -bag move, for sure.
Sad to see Kendall go, she’s interesting and genuine. I did not see them together in the long run. Lauren is a DUD. Nothing interesting from her at all. I love Becca the most, she is the entire package IMO. I wish they hadn’t done the “Ross” thing to her. She didn’t deserve that. Speaking of Ross……….. I think he was a little hottie! In a “chip and dale dancer” type of way!
I can’t wait to see what happens………. although I’m sure I’ll be hiding behind couch cushions. I don’t see it ending well. 🙁

Cindy S
Cindy S

All I could think of during the ‘desert’ dates was ‘I sure hope they coated themselves in sunscreen’!!

And yes the entire Ross thing seemed totally contrived. I even texted my mom that ‘some giant jock in a terrible fitting suit that had sweat marks on the back showed up to win her back after being broken up for over a year and expected her to say “SURE!”‘ What a total crock that was. Ross looked SO uncomfortable the entire time. I’m guessing he got a nice free vacation in Peru for a week after that.

jennifer
jennifer

I can see her abs and I’m rethinking my decision to eat half a bag of marshmallows for dinner!

OMG! This is in your top 5 best re-caps!!!

Toni :0)
Toni :0)

I agree! Chuckled really hard at that one.

Miss Ellys
Miss Ellys

My favorite line is “Becca doesn’t want their perfect night in the yurt tainted.” What a, um, rustic suite date setting that was.

Debbie
Debbie

” I doubt the vagine feels platinum.” Now, those words are golden! lol

Robin McCullough
Robin McCullough

“A horse stands behind them. Is this a Peruvian rejection limo?” The best line

Amanda
Amanda

Did Arie learn NOTHING from Ben H? You just can’t tell three women that you love them and expect it to end well. Can’t wait to see (no, actually, read Lincee’s take on) the drama in the finale!!

Cindy
Cindy

another awesome recap! Thank you!

Miss Ellys
Miss Ellys

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to stand the suspense of watching the season finale. I might just have to read the recap first.

Ann
Ann

I really felt disgusted last night watching this. For a classy man like Arie to confess love to each of the 3 women made me feel very uneasy. It just seems like he lowered himself—a lot. It used to be that the men didn’t say that to the women until proposing. It really bothered me a lot to hear him assure each woman that he was in love. But I still love Arie, the show, CH and, of course, your recap.
I also thought the ex-boyfriend was staged and they both knew he was coming there. Just a gut feeling.

grace
grace

how do you possibly describe him as “classy”

new (but middle aged) Christine
new (but middle aged) Christine

LOVE your recaps Lincee – I’m already sad that the season is ending.

A few thoughts/questions:
Becca and Kendall are too mature for Arie. He seems like a decent enough guy (although maybe not – I guess we’ll find out next week) but as my one time marriage counselor used to say, I’m not sure he has the capacity to relate to them.

Why does he have 24601 tattooed on his arm- is he a Les Mis fan? Jean Valjean? Perhaps this has been answered but it intrigues me.

Also, as I’m pretty sure I am the only one who watched Bachelor Winter Games all the way through (with lots of fast forwarding) – I suggest watching the “World Tell All” finale – Luke (from JoJo’s season) shows his true colors.

Thank you Lincee for all the laughs!

Laura
Laura

I watched (regrettably) in between the Olympics; I switched back and forth! And yes – totally agree on Luke. I was never a fan of his to begin with, and he definitely did not win me over any more in that “World Tell All” finale.

hokiejennylynn
hokiejennylynn

they talked about this on The Popcast this week and revealed that it *is* in fact because he was so moved by Les Mis that he got Jean Valjean’s tattoo…

Old Christine
Old Christine

Christine, I stupidly watched all of BWG. I can’t believe I wasted so much of my time. Your Luke comments were sadly very true. Talk about stone cold with dead eyes. Creepy!

Babs
Babs

I actually liked BWG after the first episode, but Luke totally suckered me, I was not a fan of his at all on JoJo’s season and 100 % thought he was there just to get exposure for his music career. Then on BWG he acts so sweet to Stassi until he totally Ghosted her like the big fat jerk I always thought he was.

tracee
tracee

I am not a little bit embarrassed to admit I watched the Winter Games too. Sooooooooo surprised by Luke???? What happened to him? Did he fool us all? I thought he was the most sincere guy ever on the show.

Elizabeth
Elizabeth

Mike Fleiss tweeted that his wife sang that version of “How Do I Live,” lol

KELLI
KELLI

WHY would Becca’s ‘fantasy’ suite be a freaking tent in the desert? Bad move, Bachelor Interns. I couldn’t even get past the “they have to go to the bathroom OUTSIDE” thing. And the second thing I screamed was ‘HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM BACHELOR BEN?” We all learned you don’t tell two, let alone 3 women that you love them.

The whole Ross debacle was entirely scripted. That’s why I hate some of the reality shows because these people couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag.

Lauren is SO dull. I just do not get it. She’s got the personality of that yurt.

At this point, I’m wondering if he pulls a full on Mesnick, chooses Lauren and then takes it back. Keep in mind—I don’t know. I don’t do spoilers, so I am merely speculating.

And my direct tv guide shows NO ATFR next week! Kevin would like you to know that he likes Becca, but not Lauren, but he would like to offer all of you a rose.

KJM
KJM

I’ve heard it’s a 3h finale on Monday, then 2 more hours on Tuesday (I’m guessing that’s the ATFR?). FIVE HOURS. They can’t tell the story in less than that? Gone with the Wind is 4 hours. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is 3.5 hours for the extended version. But Mike Fleiss can’t condense whatever screw up Arie makes in less than 5 hours??

EJJ
EJJ

LOL, KJM!!!!

Rosa
Rosa

Hilarious KJM!! I agree – 5 hours is a lot of time to devote to this hot mess!!

Old Christine
Old Christine

If any man took me on a fantasy suite date in sand I would leave so fast his head would spin. Becca got cheated big time.
Kevin is such a gentleman. I accept his rose! I always enjoy reading his reactions to the Bachelor shows. Such a smart dog.

Jennymoose
Jennymoose

Cow Creek, Umpqa county, Oregon, 1971…still married after all these years!

Old Christine
Old Christine

Jennymoose you need to learn to behave.
And you know that sand camping is unbearable. The worst.

scraptordelight

That’s what I was thinking. Plus the bed was so tiny. Hard to kick it in that tiny toddler bed.

Jen
Jen

They spent all of Becca’s fantasy suite date budget on The ex-boyfriend’s flight to Peru.

Old Christine
Old Christine

You are funny, Jen, and probably correct.
Poor Becca.

MinnesotaNice
MinnesotaNice

I accept Kevin’s rose!!