Bachelor Arie Recap: My Gift Is Your Thong
Bachelor Arie Recap — Season 22, Week 6
I have so many thoughts in my head right now, each fighting for my attention. Most of them involve fancy house boat mansions on the River Seine, Krystal’s nodes, and Our Host Chris Harrison’s eyes.
I’m also embracing the fact that my book Why I Hate Green Beans launches into the world today! I feel excited and nauseated. I hear that’s normal. If you preordered the book, or decide to purchase it in the near future, just know that I sincerely hope you enjoy it and am overwhelmed that I get to tell my story. Let me know what you think!
Now, back to Bachelor Arie. I feel that we need to address the elephant in the room. Or the doobie in the glove compartment, if you will.
Baked Baby Bekah’s heart. Her mother reports her missing, which puts Beks on a missing person list in her county. Officials check back in with her mother later in the month and learn that she has been in contact with her daughter. Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief that she is safe.
To continue the saga, officials need to hear from Bekah herself to confirm that she is indeed safe and sound. Unfortunately, home girl decides to try out for a trashy reality show and makes the cut. These jokers take her phone! This means she never responds to the officials, ergo, she remains on the missing person list. Whoopsie.
Fast forward to a woman who sees Bekah in her newspaper and reports her FOUND on The Bachelor of all places. Everyone expects us to laugh about this random mix-up and go about our merry way, anxious for Bekah to land her first Diff Eyewear and Fab Fit Fun deals.
Oh, but there’s just one little hitch in that giddy-up. The part that concerns me is that, according to her own mother, the NANNY left home before the snafu to go work on a marijuana farm.
Was she forbidden from writing “cannabis cultivator ” on her Bachelor resume because viewers around the world would freak out that a girl young enough to be emotionally impacted by Zayn leaving One Direction was harvesting Mary Jane for a living?
I guess Fleiss thought toting children would be easier to wrap our heads around than toking reefer. It’s also clear why Beks has such a hard time holding up her own head.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who is obsessed with Princess Margaret on The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Bonjour! Bienvenue en France! Can you tell the girls are super excited to be here? Even black leather-clad Sandy from the third act of Grease has joined the cast. It’s the City of Love and Paris is THE PERFECT place to fall head over heels for a stranger. (For real this time, y’all.) Producers put the girls up in a sweet pimped out house boat floating on the Seine before taking bets on who will pitch Krystal overboard. Exciting!
Meanwhile, Harrison and Arie have a deep conversation on a Parisian bench. I won’t even pretend to know what they were talking about because I was mesmerized by the ABC camera man’s tight shot of Harrison’s crystal baby blues. It was nice of Our Host to drive up from Monaco for a fireside chat. I’m sure he smelled of aged fromage, the finest Cabernet Sauvignon, and the essence of Leonard de Vinci even though he didn’t visit The Louvre.
I see you, Mona. I know that smile is for Harrison. Back off, lady.
Krystal’s nodes have come out to play big time and they are ready to annoy me all the way through her talking head interview. She’s sooooooo excited that Arie totally brought her all the way to Paris. Krystal fails to mention the other nine ladies Arie also brought to Paris. Does she think ABC gave her an entourage with her swag bag back at the LA mansion?
Harrison walks confidently into the general living area where all the girls squish onto a few couches and huddle under blankets. The boat is still moving, so this proves that Chris Harrison is actually Superman. He drops some very important information about the dates. There will be two one-on-ones, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one. He tosses the first card onto the table, leaps a tall building in a single bound, and sets off to party with Bono and Johnny Depp.
Last Lauren Standing
“Let’s Fall in Love in Paris”
Last Lauren shimmies into her best romper. Raise your hand if you found it odd that her sleeves were longer than her bottoms? Just me?
Arie escorts Lauren to a smaller boat and they take off right in front of the girls who are watching from their house boat mansion balcony. He claims he has been saving this date especially for Lauren. Who cares that he’s known about it for forty-five minutes? Arie is attracted to Lauren and wants to know more about her than “she wears terrible shoes for exploring a city made mostly of cobblestone streets.”
Unfortunately, the chat got her lengua and Lauren’s only responses to Arie’s observations of cheese and architecture is “yes” and “wow.” Arie understands that LL is a quiet person, but this seems a little too quiet. He receives the silence as girl code for “she’s just not that into me.”
I admire the way he fishes for confirmation. He flat out admits that he has a crush on her and he wants her to like him back. He wants to see more of her personality and her answer is something along the lines of “cool.” Quelle dommage!
There’s a handful of you out there who mentally just thought, “What a loss. Here we go, in the sauce! Now some flour, I think, just a dab.” I salute you.
That night, Lauren wears her best wine-colored, skin-tight velvet dress, perfect for sitting in silence and nodding politely. Arie acknowledges that he knew she was overwhelmed earlier in the day, hoping to draw out any sort of conversation whatsoever. Why he didn’t lead with, “Do you watch This Is Us?” is beyond me.
Lauren sees the writing on the chateau wall and briefly mentions how it’s hard for her to trust people. Arie goes for broke and shares his incredibly sad story about the mother of two (who broke his heart after Emily) and how she was pregnant with his child. She lost the baby, called Arie to tell him, and then announced that she would not be at the house when he got back from work.
Lauren recognizes Arie’s hail mary and launches into her own soliloquy. In a nutshell, she’s terrified that she won’t be good enough to not only be the Last Lauren standing, but the last woman at all.
Lauren: You are so sweet and kind and honest. I’m terrified.
Arie: Take this rose. We still have time.
Lincee: Yeah, Lauren. By my calculations, you could easily score two more dates in the next ten days. You’ve got this!
Lauren: You make me feel special and safe.
Lincee: Is it because he’s so much older than you?
Arie: You want safe? Try these pillow lips on for size.
“Let’s Get All Dressed Up”
I don’t know who it was, but when the sweet house boat mansion door bell rang, someone said, “My heart just fell out of my A$$.” I laughed. That phrase is screaming to be made into an adult Valentine’s Day card. Someone call Pinterest.
After the names are read out loud, a quick show of hands reveals that Krystal, Kendall, and Jacqueline are left. Krystal KNOWS that she is going on the two-on-one and is perplexed by the unbalanced nature of the date. Either girl would be an easy target to devour. Game on.
While Krystal explains her odd wardrobe choice to the ABC Psychotherapist, the group date girls head to the Moulin Rouge. Can-can girls dance in traditional garb, bend over in their traditional ways, and force the censor guys in the booth to really work hard covering up all those thongs.
It’s just like Oprah. “You get a Black Modesty Box! You get a Black Modesty Box! You get a Black Modesty Box! Everyone gets a Black Modesty Box!”
I wish Oprah would give Bekah a bra.
The choreographer comes out to teach the girls a routine. We add “dancer” to Seinne’s resume of accomplishments. Tia fails miserably and Jenna is jazzed about strutting her bare butt on stage. She is pumped. So much so, that I look for Bekah to offer Jenna one of her “special macaroons” to calm her down.
All the girls are dressed in feathers, rhinestones, and glittery mesh that leaves little to the imagination. They pretend to dance their way down a catwalk in front of the choreographer, who whispers critiques in Arie’s ear.
At the cocktail party, Tia admits that the Moulin Rouge debacle was the most insecure she’s ever been. I would think that award would go to the black glitter romper from Raven’s boutique that she wears at the rose ceremony, but I’m getting ahead of myself. She has a nice moment with Arie and still loves him after all of this time. All thirty-six hours.
Bekah once again wears a bustier as a top, confesses that she was jealous of Last Lauren Standing, and thanks Arie for including her in a pretty cool date. They make out on the couch. Even though Arie has to adjust his approach due to Bekah’s severe lashes, she gets the date rose. This means Bekah is the winner! Back to the Moulin Rouge!
Bekah dons another skimpy outfit and sidles up to Arie, who is in a colorful tux with a cape and top hat. My body automatically contorts, leaning toward the couch cushion. It knows something is about to be terribly wrong. Arie and Bekah are set to perform in a cabaret act in front of a live audience. Context clues tell me this is the Tuesday lunch buffet crowd. Still, something cringe-worthy this way comes.
Arie tries to lip sync a French song (read: he doesn’t know French) while Bekah gives lots of duck face. I stick my head inside my shirt, hide underneath the couch and scream “PINEAPPLE” in English, because the word pineapple was not in the song “Les Poissons” — the foundation from which all of my French vocabulary originates.
Let’s just say Ewan McGregor won’t be visiting Bekah’s elephant any time soon. And no, that is not a euphemism for a pothead.
The loser girls watch from right in front of the all-you-can-eat buffet. They are not happy. Especially with Bekah’s lack of body image issues. Old lady Tia and Chelsea are concerned about how Arie could pick “keepin’ it tight” over graceful signs of cellulite.
Bekah: This is the best thing ever!
Lincee: Better than your morning joint?
“We’ll Always Have Paris”
Krystal basks in the glory of Kendall metaphorically BLEEPING her pants upon hearing that she has secured a spot in the infamous two-on-one. Krystal has been preparing for this moment her entire Bachelor career, which is the telltale sign that she is about to be kicked to the Parisian curb with nothing to show for it but a warm baguette and a Toblerone bar from the duty-free section at Charles de Gaulle.
SIDEBAR: My friends Emily and Stephanie had an intellectual debate last night during the watching party that caused quite the stir on my InstaStories. I will not even begin to take credit for this beauty:
Now, let’s discuss Krystal’s wardrobe. Think white strapless bathing suit with brown Hammer pants that have tiny strings attached at the hips that go up and over the shoulders. Imagine a sad version of overalls. Later, she switches the bathing suit for a velvet top and pairs that with white cotton mom jean/pants.
Kendal keeps it Bachelor classic with a royal blue cold-shoulder dress. This I can understand. I don’t like it, but I understand.
The two hop into a limo and are driven to the French countryside to an old, dusty mansion where there are no witnesses. They walk hand in hand in hand to a hedge maze. Arie makes the girls close their eyes so he can run and hide inside. I worry that Krystal will take this as an opportunity to fashion her gold spiked choker into a shiv and shank Kendall in the groin. She does not.
The girls bid each other adieu and take off in opposite directions. I hope they find Cedrick Diggory before Voldermort gets him. Krystal discovers Arie first and they make out while Kendal wanders around aimlessly.
Next up is a light lunch on the pink couch. Arie takes Krystal to a secluded bench and assures her that she is not on this two-on-one date as punishment for her immature behavior back in Ft. Lauderdale. Krystal offers up half an apology, moans in his ear, and settles into full-blown NODES for round two of “Things That Bother Krystal.”
Arie was ready to put it all behind him and morph into bandit mode, but Krystal insists on throwing Kendall under the bus. Krystal is completely surprised that Arie would select Kendall to be the third wheel on their date. The darling carries a stuffed bird named Ping around in her backpack. How can she possibly be ready for marriage?
Arie looks her in the eyes and asks, “So you are saying Kendall isn’t emotionally ready for marriage?” Krystal moans, puts on a concerned face, and in her best nodes voice answers yes.
Naturally Arie brings this tidbit of information up with Kendall. The taxidermy collector takes everything in stride, explaining that she needs to be in the right mindset for love. And she’s definitely looking for that with Arie. But there’s no right “time.” The other person has to bring it out in you. That’s what makes the process impactful.
Kendall tells the camera that she is hurt that Krystal would share negative stuff about her to Arie, but it also makes perfect sense. When Krystal is backed into a corner and feels threatened, she lashes out in any way possible.
The camera shows Kendall marching back to the pink couch. I yell, “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.” Kendall has a deep moment with Krystal, calling her out for expressing her negative thoughts. Then she softens and tells Krystal that she feels sorry for her. Saying hurtful things doesn’t mean you win. It mans you hurt people. And Kendall can empathize.
She goes on to praise Krystal’s beauty, affirm her painful past, addresses her control issues, and even scoots closer so they can have a moment. Krystal looks like she wants to cut Kendall. Her only defense? “I don’t have any words.”
Kendall for President!
Arie arrives, picks up the rose, and waves it around in front of both of them. Then he says he can’t make a decision, so he must treat them both to dinner with the best view in town. Krystal is not having it.
Today’s anger is sponsored by the letter “F.”
To combat her feelings of rage, Krystal slurps her wine and tries to have an intelligent conversation with Kendall. She claims they have similar beliefs. Kendall allows Krystal to finish her thought, and her slurp, before adding, “We present them in a very different way.”
Arie walks in and faces his back to the gorgeous Eiffel Tower so he can fully focus on the two women seething before him. They “cheers” to the night (that’s code for “toast”) and Krystal gushes over that fact that she and Kendall are totally on the same page. EQUALS!!!
The rose is immediately handed to Kendall. She and Arie peace out and leave Krystal there to watch the Eiffel Tower night show all by her lonesome, while Kendall attacks Arie for a dramatic kiss at the top of the Tower.
To no one’s surprise, Krystal is floored that she didn’t get a rose. She hates herself for being weak and unloved. Her nodes will go far in Paradise. See you this summer K!
Arie picks Jacqueline up in a red car and it breaks down immediately. Our race car driver hops out to assess the damage, which turns Jacqueline into mush. He’s a man doing manly things!
Alas, he can’t fix the problem, so they decide to wing it. How do you say Uber in French?
They go shopping and Arie insists on buying Jacqueline a new dress. She switches her flowery red number for a skin tight black one. He comments that she looks damn good in her LBD.
A maître d’ escorts them to the “best table in the house,” which isn’t as cool as it sounds because there are zero people in the restaurant. Jacq is nervous so Arie sticks his tongue down her throat to make it all better. He also confirms what we’ve all been thinking these past few weeks:
- He does know her name.
- He’s completely intimidated by her intelligence.
This news freaks Jacqueline out. I’m sure she’s heard it on more than one ocassion, but when your sort of boyfriend starts talking about not wanting to hold you back, things get a little sticky. Jacqueline is getting her Ph.D. in West Virginia. Arie is a real estate guy in Arizona. HOW WILL THIS EVER WORK?
Arie doesn’t want to be a burden. He wants Jacq to pursue her dreams. Jacqueline chokes on air, because heaven forbid if any woman eats on this show. Thankfully, Arie decides to take a chance on the research coordinator. Let’s see where this goes! Here’s your rose!
Since we have so many dates this episode, the cocktail party is cut short. Along with Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, and Jacqueline, roses go to Tia, Seinne, and Becca.
Jenna ugly cries because her heart has been ripped out. Chelsea ugly cries because she didn’t see this coming. Arie could care less because the entire show needs to pack their bags and hop a plane to Tuscany.
From the looks of it, Italy is the perfect place to fall in love. And the perfect place to weep uncontrollably. I can’t wait.