Bachelor Arie Recap: I Grew Up in a Bowling Alley
The Bachelor Recap: Season 22, Episode 5
It’s week five and our favorite bachelorettes, plus Krystal, continue on their journey around the world with the hope that Arie will pick them, choose them, and love them in the end. Next up? Fort Lauderdale — not only is it the perfect place to fall in love, but it’s the perfect place for a bestie festie. The ladies hold hands, ride bikes, hold hands riding bikes, and sit fully clothed in big bath tubs to discuss important issues. Emotions are getting real, y’all.
Arie waltzes into the hotel suite to invite Chelsea to spend a day with him on a tricked out yacht, followed by a few bumpy spins on a couple of wave runners. Chelsea is eager to show Arie that she’s more than just a single mom. She proves it by ditching her own jet ski, hopping on Arie’s, and straddling him face-to-face for some sexy times out in wide open spaces where everyone, including the girls back at the hotel, can see. Good luck towing that jet ski back to the rental place, ABC Intern. Mama’s gettin’ busy.
Meanwhile all of the other girls lounge around the hotel suite in their bikinis. There weren’t enough Black Modesty Boxes® to go around, so the producers made the girls put on their favorite Daisy Dukes or “cover-up,” which you and I would call “gauzy negligee” from the 1950s. Nary a mumu in sight. Just a bunch of skin, boobs, top knots, and shrieking from the balcony as the young ones spied on Chelsea and Arie through a conveniently placed telescope.
That evening, Arie serves Chelsea the biggest glass of wine so he can mentally get through dinner, knowing that he’s about to ask her what’s the deal with her baby daddy. In a nutshell, she was young, married a successful “wiser” man (code: older) who ditched her when their son was six-months-old. She was left holding her kid and all her belongings in a trash bag. But she is grateful that she now has it all, including a dashing man sitting across from her chugging cabernet. She claims that their date consisted of “irreplaceable moments,” but we all know that if given the opportunity and an opening in his very busy schedule, Our Host Chris Harrison could totally reproduce those moments.
Chelsea gets the rose and a big make out session right there at the dinner table with the big lace doily. Arie’s a clavicle toucher and Chelsea doesn’t seem to mind. I’ll allow it. They make their way through the vintage car museum to our third private concert of the season (is that a record?) and sway back and forth to the vocal stylings of country music artist Tenille Arts who wears more makeup than Marikh. Arie enjoys the slow, normal burn that is Chelsea. She may go far and darn it if I didn’t take her out of my top five. Ugh.
“There’s not a moment to spare.”
Based upon the outrageous reactions on social media, not many viewers watching the show clued in that Arie giving his bowling ball a little tongue action was a nod to the movie The Big Lebowski. We just all shrieked in horror, wondering and sort of hoping that someone in the cast would sprout a weird fever blister the next day. With all the kissing going on during this date, one would think this would be a likely possibility. I surveyed all surface areas in the facial region during the rose ceremony. Unless industrial strength spackling paste was used, I did not detect any crusty lesions.
I on the other hand, went straight to Grease 2 during the bowling date, wondering to myself, “Is anyone going to score tonight?” Again, all neon signs point to yes because seven out of the ten bachelorettes in bowling shirts were straight up trashed. The stale beer flowed freely, which explains why Jenna insisted on bending over the ball return shouting things like, “That’s how I roll” and “Split happens.” If I could count the “ball” innuendoes, I’d have enough money to join Harrison’s entourage.
Arie suggests they play teams, noting that the winning group of ladies will be invited to attend the after party with him. The losers will have to go back to the hotel to sit around in their bikinis. Krystal grabs her girls, says a quick prayer, and leads them to victory, which is a big deal since Jenna can barely stand up. Krystal ends the competition with a pep talk that celebrates yet doesn’t tear down those less fortunate on the blue team. Then she kisses every single loser.
When Arie notices that Baby Bekah and Kendall are on the losing team, he calls an audible and decides to “extend the night” so he can include everyone in the after party festivities. When Krystal hears the news, her Joker smile melts into something suspicious and everyone tenses up. Is she going give a toast? Is she going to stab someone in their sleep? Such excitement.
Lauren tells us that Krystal straight up lost her mind on the bus, claiming that Arie is a LIAR and UNTRUSTWORTHY, and that she is HURT! Her crazy has officially seeped out into the open.
Krystal: Arie didn’t consult us and take our feelings into consideration.
Lincee: There are no rules on The Bachelor, Krystal. Calm down.
Krystal: I’m looking for a partnership. Someone I can trust. Arie is a liar! He must be taught a lesson!
Lincee: May your lip liner be perfect and your champagne full of bubbles, my dear. Go forth and be cray.
Krystal slips into her hotel robe and saunters out into the general meeting area so all the other girls can see that she’s not going to be joining them during the after party. She embraces DISRESPECT and HURT as her companions for the night. Her stuff is packed and her mind is made up. The girls flee as fast as you can say “the black sedans are here” before she changes her mind. This party just got lit!
I’d like to take this time in the recap to point out that Seinne was legit wearing a silk button-down pajama top and no bottoms. Apparently the fashion industry decided to phone in 2018 and we are left with the reality that this is an actual thing. Do we know if Seinne was wearing bootie shorts under her pajama top? No, we do not. Is it a travesty that I had to ask the question? I believe so.
Arie greets the women with a hilarious, “We’re all here!” before Baby Bekah points out that no, we are not all here. I myself would have let the night unfold naturally, but gossip is a major problem in today’s high schools. Of course Beks would go there, sharing that Krystal is “throwing a fit in her room.”
This is the part when Arie stands up to go console Krystal and I yell “DON’T BE A MORON” at the television. Tia and Chelsea point Arie towards Krystal’s room, then ask the ABC Intern to get them some glasses so they can properly hear what’s going on through the wall.
Krystal moodily walks into Arie’s arms for a long, lengthy hug as I scream “USE THE FORCE, ARIE! DON’T LET THE NODES FOOL YOU!” He sits her on the bed and let’s her speak first. There’s a lot of feelings and hurting and general “you said one thing and then did the other.” Let the record show that the conversation was delivered in a node tone, partnered with pleading puppy dog eyes.
Arie’s face is stern. He’s disappointed that Krystal didn’t tell him this directly instead of acting out like a child. She shifts gears into a more “I’m a passionate person” with another layer of hurt for good measure. The cherry on top of the passive aggressive sundae is “I’m opening up and being raw and vulnerable. I wish you would too. It’s important that I know you and trust you.”
Arie: If you were downstairs, you could have that time. You can’t run away from problems. That’s how small things turn into big things. And this disruption makes me want to pull back. Are you trying to teach me a lesson or something?”
And this is the part where Arie stops his willingness to overlook Krystal’s craziness and no longer applauds her admirable efforts to conceal them. He puts her in timeout, forbids her from coming downstairs, and promises to see her in a few days. Now sit there and think about what you did, missy.
He leaves his charge to go downstairs and party it up with his favorites. First up is Baby Bekah who slyly comments on Hurricane Krystal before flinging her legs over Arie’s lap so they can mug down. Arie wants to talk about his doubts and the pain in his stomach from the ulcer he’s getting, knowing that Baby Beks is way too young for him, but she distracts him with the best medicine: No, not brownies. Bekah prefers sweet whispers and a flickering tongue.
Other Becca is next and I worry because we continue to not see much of her. Hopefully things are going well, because the camera quickly cuts to Krystal, who has entered the room. It’s tough to balance beauty and humbleness, yet she does it. She lets the girls know that she and Arie had an intense conversation and that she is still hurt.
Lauren gives Krystal the floor to plead her case, but after the fourth minute of Krystal’s monologue, Lauren calls the effort a waste of time and leaves. I cheered for the Last Lauren Standing until I saw her crying to Marikh moments later. Someone is over tired.
Kendall asks Krystal the smart questions, not about cannibalism, but questions like “did you tell him you think he’s a liar” and “does he know you acted like a fool on the bus?” Seinne jumps on the bandwagon, claiming that “this isn’t fun.” Did she mean her lack of bottoms? Or Krystal’s childish behavior? We may never know because Krystal leaves at the threat of being openly attacked by the group.
I feel that this was a good call on her part. Had Arie seen her, I think the big vein in his forehead would have popped. Instead, he’s playfully partaking in a rousing game of 21 Questions, which is an amalgamation between 20 Questions and the truth part of Truth Or Dare. Just go with it.
Arie learns that Lauren likes coconut milk in her coffee. He refrains from rolling his eyes at the granola-ish answer. She wins him over with her legit snogging skills and her honesty (afraid that he will pick someone else and her heart will be broken).
Buckle up, Lauren. I think a heartbreak mix is in your future. Never fear. I have on on Spotify that you can borrow. You’re welcome.
Finally, Kendall grabs Arie. She’s wearing a conservative dress, except for that slit up to her nether regions. She oddly tells Arie that her relationships are normally faster than this one (gulp!) but she’s excited to take it slower with him because he’s worth it.
Strange, right? Oh just you wait, dear reader…
“Let’s Get Dirty”
When ABC asks Arie who should explore the everglades with him, Arie takes one look at the swamp, air boat, and Darryl’s log cabin in the marsh and thinks, “TIA!” Although I don’t think Tia loved the stereotype and secretly loathed Arie for not taking her on a phat yacht for the day, she made the best of it. She wears her favorite crotch-snap red bodysuit with denim cut-offs, her bright white Keds, and even remembs to bring a hair tie for the ride.
This is the first time I really noticed Tia’s tricep tats, which, as my watching group deduced, is a strange place for a tat. However, Arie has tats in the exact same location. Coincidence? Or MFEO? You decide.
The air boat guy slams on his brakes mid joy ride to point out the rather large, rather menacing gator to the right of the boat. Arie’s man card street cred soars in my book when he eagerly grabs the ABC go-pro attached to the bow of the boat so we can all see the gator up close and personal. Additionally, he protects Tia from the big ole gator and pretends to think she is adorable when she becomes equally excited to see a turtle.
Darryl and Tia have a wonderful conversation about “froggin’” before he serves his guests everything he had in his refrigerator and cupboard that could be deep fried, including his own personal recipe — deep fried corn on the cob. After dinner, Arie wants to dive into this “froggin’” business a little more and is charmed by the way Tia describes the pastime with great care. All you need to know is that there’s a ditch, a bunch of frogs, a long pole, and a gig. But she doesn’t do that anymore. She lives in the big city now and shops at Raven’s boutique.
Speaking of Raven’s boutique, Tia shows up to dinner in a dress similar to a tap dance routine outfit meant for junior high girls, except it’s made from the shed scales of a rattlesnake. We learn that she has an advanced degree and is a real live doctor! She’s totally cool with living in Arizona and doesn’t care if her beau is of the same faith, just as long as they understand and respect each others’ perspective.
Tia also tells Arie that she is falling for him, it’s scary as hell, and that she’s also in love with him. Arie makes her look him in the eyes and say it again, which she does, before offering her the rose.
Then they go upstairs, next to the LIVE BAIT sign, and he makes out with her against a pole. It’s fine, although there isn’t much surface area with which to work. He seems to hold back a bit. Not to mention the fact that they could have toppled off the balcony with even the slightest of clavicle grabs or hair twists.
Bekah is wearing a legitimate white bustier as a top. This gives her the confidence she needs to ask Krystal in front of everyone why she is still here? Didn’t she just brag about packing up all her clothes because she didn’t trust Arie due to his disrespectful actions at the bowling alley? PS: She’s been hiding in her room the whole time. What gives?
Krystal: I have not been hiding in my room. I’ve been investing in myself and growing from the struggle.
I’m throwing a red flag. Penalty for making my head hurt and being a complete door knob. Ten yards.
After the radio silence from Krystal’s absurd comment, Kendall grabs Arie for a game. She has in her hand a journal boasting 100 questions on its pages. Kendall makes Arie pick a number. He chooses 99 and she turns to that page. I’m paraphrasing here, but the general inquiry was: “Would you eat a dead person if it was the custom in your tribe?”
Arie laughs, as any normal person would, and giggles out his answer: Of course not.
Kendall laughs, as any odd person would, and giggles out her answer: Of course I would. It’s called curiosity!
Arie’s face falls, just like that time TinkerBekah told him she was two shakes older than a sonogram. He clearly realizes that Kendall’s “quirky” personality has a dark side to this particular combination. And that fear grips his bones. He makes a mental note to have his dog shipped back home to Scottsdale, for fear that he will wake up one day to a stuffed pet with a side of chopped pup sandwiches.
The girls all talk trash about Krystal. She hears it, of course, and invites each one of them to have a conversation with her privately. Kendall takes her up on the offer, begins by validating Krystal’s feelings, and then shares that she is a protector and is concerned for Arie’s well-being.
Heck, I’d be concerned for everyone’s well-being. Ten bucks says Kendall has a stash of tobacco sauce is rolling around in her backpack along with Ping.
Kendall reminds Krystal that her initial reaction on the bus was not in love. Krystal explains that she’s working with so…many…emotions. Also, did you know that she’s hurt, HURT, by Arie’s actions? Dr. Tia arrives, suggesting that Krystal just take ownership of what she said and how she responded.
Baby Beks tries again with the simple, “What are you doing here,” which makes Krystal mad again. So mad that I thought she would adopt Kendall’s cannibalism ways. Namas’cray.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline actually has a conversation with Arie. I had no idea he even knew her name, let alone an excuse to talk about their chemistry. Interesting.
It’s time for Krystal to face Arie. She hasn’t seen him since Bowlingate and after glitter bombing the producers, she dips into nodes and asks Arie if they can talk big picture.
Arie is game. Krystal has been to his house for goodness sake. He’s seen Little Arie in home videos. Of course she’s further along that the others, but her behavior has definitely knocked her down a few pegs.
Now Krystal knows that she’s in a sticky situation. Her usual suspects aren’t working on Arie. The nodes bring on irritation. He’s not begging her to stay, nor does he seem devastated if she leaves. He refuses to sit close to her, for fear that she will jump him and distract the moment with kissing. There’s only one thing to do now that the rose ceremony is coming.
Blame the past.
Krystal: That group date was hard for me.
Arie: You’ve mentioned that one or twelve times.
Lincee: You seemed to like the beer…
Krystal: I grew up in a bowling alley.
Arie [dead silence]
Lincee: FACT CHECK! I’m going to need a fact check on this, please!
Arie keeps his game face on and Krystal is forced to finally blame herself. Her response was grossly out of character. But to her defense, she has to trust the person so that she can know that she’s enough for him. [cue the tears]
Arie remains calm, reminding her that if she had come to the party, she would have had more time with him. Plus, she has no idea if he had something special planned for her. Bottom line, her response was not the correct one. If she thinks this is hard, try real life.
Krystal agrees to do better and to be someone he can count on. Then she nodes it up big time:
Krystal: This is our first fight!
Arie: And it could be our last.
Excuse me, but did Arie just lay the smack down on Krystal? Or do I need to cut dairy from my diet?
Roses go to:
Jenna — still drunk from the bowling alley
Maquel, Ashley, and Marikh are sent home as Krystal waves her rose back and forth, proud that she had so much courage to stay around. Watch your back, ladies!
And in case you haven’t been around, MY BOOK COMES OUT IN ONE WEEK! Find all the details HERE! Thank you for your support!