Bachelor Arie Recap: Krystal and the Women Tell All

If you ask me to sum up last night’s Women Tell All in just one sentence, I’d probably say:

“I believe Arie would have melted into the floor if the transitive property of congruence had allowed him to last night. That must be why they keep the temperature in the studio so icy cold. It’s a mixture of both a thermostat thing and an ex-girlfriend thing. Homie looked pale and scared to death. I bet he carefully considered breaking his contractual obligation to face a panel of women he kissed at least once in a three-week period. But the penalty – deleting one’s social media accounts forever and not agreeing to any FitFabFunBoxes or Diffeyewear endorsement deals – just wasn’t an option. He must face the women and their wrath with his pale head held high and his silver fox hair perfectly coiffed.”

Okay, so that’s more than one sentence and I have no idea if I properly used “transitive property of congruence” correctly. (Spoiler: I didn’t.) My point is that I anticipate that Arie does something really, really, really bad that will make all of America hate him. And he does something dramatically awful to Becca. Why else would her bestie Caroline physically become so emotional and give such a cryptic message that she KNEW Arie would understand by reading between the lines. He also looked like he wanted to hurl when he had to look her in the face.

Thank goodness Our Host Chris Harrison is there to turn up the burners. His ability to remain silent in moments of extreme uncomfortableness is a gift. Poke the bear. Stand back. Watch as chaos ensues. Poke the bear. Remain silent. Watch as tears flow like rain, threatening the integrity of each and every false eyelash. Poke the bear. Tell a joke. Bask in the glory that the viewing audience knows you are money.

The Women Tell All episodes are traditionally fifty percent “let’s take a look back” footage, twenty-five percent “what is she wearing?” and twenty-five percent “OH NO SHE DIDN’T.” Therefore it makes no sense to craft an entire recap showcasing roughly twenty-seven minutes of good TV.

I find that a nice “memorable moment” list will provide more than enough information for you to harness the ridiculousness and pitifulness of the episode. And because I love each and every one of you, I’ve made a playlist to accompany last night’s debacle. Enjoy!

Do You Hear the People Sing — Les Miserables
Every Women Tell All, I like to listen to see which contestants garner the loudest applause as they are introduced. This is the first year that so many individuals receive a boisterous welcome from the audience of women and men wearing Hamburglar masks and “FOUND” t-shirts showcasing Baby Bekah’s face. I would say that Lauren S, Jenna, Bibs, Baby Beks, and Seinne were up there, but they definitely screamed the loudest for Tia.

Can’t Take My Eyes Off You — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Favorite quote from Harrison: “It’s a buffet of glitter bombs and mic drops.”

Beautiful — Christina Aguilera
Is glam-shaming a thing? The panel is 50/50 on this debate. At first, Chelsea seems genuinely concerned that Marikh thinks she judged her based on what she looks like and how she acts around mirrors. I thought things were mind-numbingly fine until Chelsea wobbles up to the second level in her skin-tight dress to hand Marikh a peace offering — a compact for her purse. I would have rolled my eyes if they were fixed on the top of Chelsea’s dress. I’m convinced my prayers are what kept that garment from falling down, exposing Chelsea’s boobs.

People Are Crazy — Billy Currington
Krystal’s time on the hot seat was easily my favorite part of the night. Deemed as “the most polarizing contestant in Bachelor history” (calm down, Chris), things start off calm, cool, and collected. Krystal admits that she “stumbled and fell” but that she also felt ostracized. The women tell her she is inauthentic and Krystal responds passionately “that’s the name of the game.”

Game? This is a GAME to you? Cease and desist, Krystal. There are girls here for the right reasons, right reasons. Including Tia who reminds Krystal that she was in love with this man and Baby Bekah who encourages Krystal to be honest with herself.

Caroline takes a different approach. She calls Krystal a sociopath for having the gall to label the others a BLEEP, which is a “disgusting word.” Then she launches into how horrible Krystal behaved talking bad about them behind their backs.

Cue Harrison dumping kerosene on that particular fire.

Krystal retaliates with a fervent reminder, dropping F-bombs left and right. Does Caroline not remember mocking Krystal and her voice?

By the way, where is that voice?

Krystal claims she lost her voice the week before filming. And that her vocal cords become weak with stress. Stress that collected into a swirling vortex of nuclear capacity at the now infamous bowling date.

Private Eyes — Hall & Oats
Krystal is prepared. She knows she will have to defend her actions. She claims that she was upset and hurt and “in the moment, I said BLEEPY things.”

What darling Krystal didn’t expect was the top secret footage of an angry Krystal calling the women the disgusting term Caroline reminded her of and deeming Arie a BLEEP BLEEP. Rhymes with shmeedle trick. The women gasp in horror and try not to laugh. Harrison winces at the moniker that will follow Arie around, even if it isn’t true. And Bib asks the question we’ve all been wondering: “Did you see his BLEEP?”

Not that I care, but I did wonder.

We Belong Together — Mariah Carey
Krystal knows that she wanted to take control of the moment (duh) and blames her lack of manners on not having a safe home environment growing up. So basically, she apologizes for having a rough childhood. The good news is that her homeless brother saw her on the show and has made a move to rejoin the family. Celebrate good times.

Dignified Woman — Amos Lee
Seinne looks GORGEOUS in her white weirdo dress and straight locks. Even though she gets emotional watching her walk down Memory Lane, she understands that she didn’t have the deep relationship that Arie had with the other women. She has a peace about it. She’s also proud of all her accomplishments in life and wants the men of the world to not find her intimidating. Seinne wants all the little girls who look like her to be proud of her time on The Bachelor and she hopes they see her as a role model. PS: She’s open to dating. Prediction: Bachelor in Paradise.

Young Love — The Judds
Baby Beks is tired of America questioning her age and marriage readiness. She’s a grown woman. You can tell because it’s totally legal for her to go on national television showing a generous amount of under boob. And please don’t worry about her earlobes adopting a permanent droop from the huge earrings. It’s fine.

Bekah is mad at Tia for being ageist and feels that Arie was more insecure about him being too old for her than her being too young for him. Also, the people who make fun of her being 22-years-old are annoying.

I guess she could have called me worse.

She’s So High — Tal Bachman
Because Our Host is good at his job, he asks Baby Bekah to explain how she was considered a missing person back in the fall. Bekah thinks this is hilarious and quickly tells the story of coming home after filming and wanting to chill with friends on a farm. Yes, yes, a marijuana farm, what’s the big deal? There was no phone service, so for seven days, her mom didn’t know her location. So her mom reported her missing. When she left the marijuana farm, she called her mom and celebrated her lack of abduction. The end.

Harrison hands Beks his phone and asks her to call her mother to see if she knows where Bekah is now. We all get a laugh and then he informs her mom that Bekah will be gone for two weeks in the summer because our favorite fairy is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise!

Anyone over the age of thirty need not apply.

Total Eclipse of the Heart — Bonnie Tyler
Tia’s dress is not a dress. It is a fancy top she chooses to wear as a dress. Insert Olympic ice dancer joke here.

Tia’s beef with Arie is that she was ready to commit to a relationship that will end in a proposal, yet Arie chooses someone who clearly is waffling over her own, to use Bekah’s term, marriage readiness. Tis is fine with having her heart broken, again, but she needs some closure. She wants Arie to tell her SOMETHING.

Harrison decides this is the best time to tell her that Arie told him, after he dumped Tia, that he wasn’t sure if he made the right decision. Way to kick an ice dancer while she’s down, Hare. Easy.

The Power of Love — Celine Dion
Chris practically soft ball tosses Tia an opportunity for her to set herself up as a contender to be the next bachelorette. Is she willing to find love again? Yes. Are you open to new possibilities? Of course. Can you get beyond the heart that was torn into little bitty pieces? Indubitably.

Hello Mr. Heartache — Dixie Chicks
Arie waltzes out onto the stage looking cool as a cucumber.

Hah! That sentence was so fun to write! Let me try again…

Arie sulks out onto the stage looking green as a bean. He does not want to be here and it shows. He barely looks at Tia when he gives her the closure she needs to hear: “I like Kendall more than you.”

If I Only Had a Brain — Harry Connick, Jr.
Jacqueline wants everyone to know that Arie didn’t dump her because she wanted to pursue her Ph.D. instead of him. It was a difference in life. Arie looks grateful and smiles in her direction.

Listen To Your Heart — Roxette
Arie makes a big production in telling the women, the audience, and Harrison that it’s hard to strike a balance between being logical and following your heart. He admits that there are things he would do differently. When the women call out, “LIKE WHAT?” he answers, “A lot.” Then he recommends that we all lead with our hearts. It’s the best decision we can make in the moment.

Jar of Hearts — Christina Perri
This is when Caroline commandeers the moment. She waits for the audience to reach an eerily calm tone. Then she looks at Arie with pools of tears welling in her eyes and says:

“I know what you did. And I don’t know how you could do that. I just needed to say that. I don’t understand, but I hope you found what you are looking for.”

See? Isn’t this proof that something most dramatic will be going down next week? Why else would Caroline be so emotional and passionate and dramatic? This can’t be that Arie merely picks Lauren or Kendall over Becca. There’s some sort of wrong-doing that Arie is going to regret, but he will fall back on the “I followed my heart” spiel. Am I right?

NO SPOILERS, PLEASE!

I Knew You Were Trouble — Taylor Swift
Krystal asks Harrison if she can come sit with Arie on the couch. Bad move, K-Dawg.

Her nodes miraculously return in this moment as she baby talks to her former beau that she felt their good-bye was very cold.

Arie: Looking back, I think that the feeling was pretty appropriate.

Awwww yeah! I LOVE THIS SHOW!

Arie explains that he was disappointed that she was one way with him and another way with the girls. The comments she made were both hurtful to him and to the women in the house. Oh, and their relationship dragged on longer than it should have, which is sad because he felt like they had a good thing.

Krystal defends herself. She was fighting for time! And she felt like he dangled a carrot with the whole bowling date train wreck. SHE AND HER TEAMMATES WERE MOCKED. It’s hard and she didn’t like that she had to compete with other girls.

Arie: But you’re on The Bachelor.

Awwww yeah! I LOVE THIS SHOW!

Arie complains that Krystal’s mouth got her in trouble. Harrison steps up, pokes the bear by saying, “And he doesn’t know about the BLEEP BLEEP comment.”

Awwww yeah! I LOVE THIS SHOW!

The girls start chanting, “PLAY THAT CLIP! PLAY THAT CLIP!”

It appears Arie is seconds away from tearing up his contract with ABC, grabbing his woman, and spending the rest of his life on a marijuana farm without cell phone service. It’s not a bad idea.

***REMEMBER, NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION!***

Photo By: ABC.com

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Abigail
Abigail

Ugh I LIVE for your recaps. Especially because I can never finish a “Tell All” episode because I get major second-hand embarrassment…I think I lasted through the glam-shaming debacle and then I had to bow out. Thanks for keeping me up to speed!

Cindy S
Cindy S

I find it very telling that as of right now there is NOT an After the Rose scheduled on my DVR guide. Right now I’m showing an episode of The Good Doctor on after the finale. Hmmmmm.

Joycee
Joycee

Just read on TV Guide that next Monday is a normal 2hr finale followed by an hour ATFR show. But there’s an extra hour of ATFR on Tuesday. Who thinks it’s something with Becca since it was Caroline bringing the “I know what you did” comment?

KELLI
KELLI

My Direct guide doesn’t show an ATFR!

I think he’s pulling a Mesnick.

Cindy S
Cindy S

I agree with you Kelli. Something is definitely up with this. However Chris said last night it was like nothing we’ve ever seen. We’ve seen a Mesnick. So not sure. Will be good I’m sure.

Cindy S
Cindy S

Thanks for the info Joycee! My Tivo guide still hasn’t updated it for the extra hour on Monday nor for a possible Tuesday ATFR. I’ll have to manually record if it never grabs it.

Holly
Holly

APPLAUSE! love your recaps – thank you for the laughs!

Karen
Karen

I think there are so many things in life that can be interpreted through a good playlist. Bravo as usual! With that said, it looks like Arie will live up to his unfortunate reputation by the end of this season. Poor guy. 36 and still so uncomfortable/confused about life. BUT I did love when he put Krystal in her place right where she belongs. Glitter bomb!

DeeBee

Love the playlist. Krystal brought some entertainment and humor to an otherwise extremely boring 2 hours. And where do these gals find these dresses?!! I so wanted to adjust the “collar” on Seinne’s dress as it looked like it was choking her.

Joobee
Joobee

I was having a hard time with so many of those dresses. Baby Bekah’s looked like a sexy nightie that just needed fur trimmed heels, and Caroline’s was basically a bandeau bra with a white suit. For a busty lady, I just don’t understand how that works.

Heather
Heather

Doesn’t Chris Harrison usually always ask the Bachelor/Bachelorette if they are happy and in love during the Tell All episode? I noticed he didn’t ask Arie that question. Hmmm…

Karen
Karen

I was thinking the same thing! This is not going to end well for anyone I think.

DeeBee

Yup, and it was very odd how Caroline’s comment was left hanging out there.

KELLI
KELLI

Praise the Lort for your recap today. Kevin and I were watching the closing ceremony for the Olympics, where Kevin was captivated by Johnny Weir. Until Johnny squealed PANDAS, scaring the crap out of Kevin. I will watch it tonight, with your play list. From what I’ve read today, this season of the Bachelor doesn’t end very well. I don’t know any spoilers and I don’t want to know any, but Arie’s body language says a great deal. And Heather’s comment about Harrison not asking if he was in love/happy–hmmmmmmm. Well, I’ll prepare the playlist and watch as soon as I get home. From your comments, we were all right about Krystal not being there for the right reasons (right reasons).

Erin
Erin

OK, so… I totes agree that Chris Harrison was spoon feeding Tia questions leading to be the Bachelorette, cue me trying to hold in my tears and anger towards that.

Usually we find out more info about people going to paradise – but at least Baby Beks will be there. I also can’t believe they gave Caroline that much air time, but maybe since she gave a hint to the dramatic ending they kept the footage bc I think they are truly *desperate* for ratings this season.

TBT to last year when they announced that Rachel was the new Bachelorette before she was even eliminated from Nick’s season.

Janice
Janice

I hope they had the balcony railing ready for all of the half and full mesnicks that I anticipate happening on the finale. Can’t wait.

A to the G
A to the G

HALF and FULL Mesnicks. Nice!

delyla
delyla

I absolutely loved WTA last night. Arie calling Krystal out was my favorite part and the woman telling her off was classic too. I can’t wait to find out WTH is with the finale!!! Hoping it is not just more editing and for once – we finally get the most dramatic ending ever!!! LOL
Great recap Lincee!

Allia
Allia

Wta was boring as always… I don’t know how you managed to put a hilarious spin on it Lincee! I was switching between tv and work the whole time. I’m thoroughly over krystal and glam shaming. The only remotely exciting part was Caroline’s speech… something ugly must have gone down. I saw some other girls interviews, and there seems to be a general distaste with Arie in the air.
I’m also not feeling the idea of Tia as the bachelorette. They are clearly trying to set her up for it, no idea why. She’s not particularly interesting… I’d rather see Seine or even baby Bekah.

Babs
Babs

I’d like to see Seinne too!

Michele
Michele

This was a very satisfying Women Tell All for me as far as Krystal. Remember that she ASKED to go up and sit next to Arie to talk to him. I’m sure she thought under the hot spotlights that she could wrangle a “I’m sorry, Krystal” from Arie, and get a hug from him which she would wield as being absolved of any wrongdoing on her part. SHUT DOWN. Arie handled that whole talk with her very well and to my great satisfaction. (No thawing of his “cold” demeanor.) Probably my most favorite part of this season was when Krystal whined coyly “Awww, we’re having our first fiiiiight” and he replied “And it could be our last.” So perfect (except that she was on such an ego trip that I don’t think she even really heard what he said, since it didn’t match her deluded mindset.)

OR gal
OR gal

“schmeedle trick”. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Cathy
Cathy

OR gal, can u hint me in on this?! I don’t get it! I think I get the second part but just can’t figure out the first,

I♥️CH
I♥️CH

Girl I was in the same boat. I had the last word but not the first. My millennial coworker had to decipher for me…apparently it’s needle. Still not sure what needle bleep means but apparently it’s bad.

DeeBee

“Needle” and the second word rhymes with stick……………..hint it starts with the letter D. 🙂

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

It means skinny dick. Did anyone else think the random plug for the movie Blockers with Leslie Mann, John Cena and some unfunny guy was very strange?!

alyce
alyce

DonnaMarie, I thought the Blocksrs plug was so odd. And poorly done. Suddenly Chris Harrison is talking to John Cena? When did he arrive and why? So weird.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

LOL, so agree!

Shelley
Shelley

Yet again Krystal talks in a crying voice about something heart breaking, and…no tears. I’m glad if the brother story is true, but her fakery is epic. Loved how Arie stayed cool towards her, and and the end where he barely held her hand and said ‘well…bye’. Or something to that effect.

KELLI
KELLI

Shelley, that was my favorite part. Krystal was trying to go in for the hug and Arie basically shook her hand. HAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!

Jen
Jen

Arie is a wheedle wick, for sure. He showed little reaponsibility toward women’s feelings on the show. Maybe the culture where he came from was permissive about free love and sharing oneself with a lot of women openly. If he was a real man, he wouldn’t have wanted anyone to feel insecure or disrespected, and his actions would have been congruent with that. The internet is crack cocaine for men. They tell locker room jokes, spend money on cam website tokens, lie to their wives, and feel entitled to do so, and then wonder why their daughters have trust issues and problems with depression. I can see why Krystal had a hard time on the show. She grew up without as much love and attention as a child needs and the insecurity that this show creates for contestants, which was exacerbated by Arie’s immature ways, was a toxic environment for Krystal and for a lot of women. Whomever Arie ends up with, he will cheat on her and will feel entitled to do so. I cringed while watching the women. It shows that in our culture we all needs to do a better job at bringing up girls to have a strong sense of self and not sell themselves short, and not allow men to disrespect them. The news interviews with Arie’s ex shows he is a liar and a serial cheater. What woman would ever sign up to be with him? I would rather share a jail cell with an axe murderer than go on a date with this guy.