Bachelor Ben Recap: Episode 3

“I’m the reason everyone is here. I’m responsible for the feelings and emotions in this house.”
— Ben Higgins

This will be the death of him. I truly believe that. He is in for a drama-filled ride. Bless his Peter Brady-beating heart.

I don’t know if we’ve ever seen this much crying so early in the season. Jubilee wept (in front of JoJo) assuming that she isn’t Ben’s type. Caila bawled (in front of JoJo) admitting that she is overwhelmed by the reality that Ben is going to date other people. JoJo whimpered, wondering how she became the house psychiatrist. The tall blonde who isn’t the flight attendant howled when a soccer ball struck her in the boob, as the Kindergarten Teacher, ironically, mewled at the thought of balls flying toward her face.

I teared up when Our Host Chris Harrison waltzed into the mansion, smelling of a vintage 9-iron, sunshine and victory. Unlike Olivia, Harrison is able to read a room and immediately detects a hint of non compose mentis. He drops the date card on the coffee table, carefully noting that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. He makes Caila verbally acknowledge these rules since, from her ridiculous statement earlier, she clearly has no idea that she signed up for a reality dating show that has been on the air for 20 seasons.

Prep the weepers. Jami’s about to read the card.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Plexus peddler who is obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The Flight Attendant receives the first date card and Ben shows up in a black Mustang convertible. Once again, the ABC Intern forgot to pack a spare rubberband in the glove compartment and Lauren has to fight her own flying strands of hair for the attention of the hot dude next to her wearing a royal blue henley. Lauren spies a bright yellow biplane, grins at Ben and tells him that she’s been on a lot of airplanes in her life, but has never seen one like this.

Interesting. Do they not have Snoopy cartoons or Red Baron pizza where she is from?

Ben and Lauren glide and pitch through the clear sky, eventually flying over the mansion because, duh. The ABC Intern makes sure to herd all of the bachelorettes onto the patio, presumably to take part in a mandatory counseling session on, “What Happens When There Are No More Tears?” Then he whispers to The Informer (read: Amber) that Ben and Lauren are in the vintage plane twisting and turning above. More than one girl “can’t even” as others question if they are making out up there?

You an I know the answer to that very important question and it is, yes. Ben and Lauren made out like two people wearing wrestling head gear and microphones. Talk about aco-taco.

The plane lands in the Middle of Nowhere, California. Lauren hops on Ben’s back and he carries her over hills and dales to a waiting Jacuzzi. Since Kevin Hart brewed his junk in this exact hot tub last week, the network was forced to purchase the darn thing. Ben, Lauren and the executive producers would like for you to know that they fully understand this is random, but we’re going for it. Who cares if Lauren has to change into her string bikini behind a tree? IT’S CALLED ADVENTURE.

Lauren and Ben essentially take a bath together since the Jacuzzi jets obscure the viewing audience from hearing such riveting conversation as, “You’re cute” and “Thank you” and “I feel normal around you.” Once the pair feel sufficiently dorked out, Ben takes Lauren to a creepy Victorian house where ventriloquist dolls go to die. Over dinner, Lauren talks about how her dad likes landscaping. Ben talks about how his father had heart surgery. Sharing this information obviously makes Ben emotional and Lauren tries to make him feel better by saying, “I’d love to meet your family.” Instead of freaking out, Ben laughs and gives Lauren the date rose. Then he takes her up to the attic for a little ghostbusting.

Later, he escorts Lauren to the barn out back where Lucy Angel performs a private concert. According to Wikipedia, Lucy Angel is a trio of a mother and her two daughters. Her son is the intern on ABC’s hit franchise, The Bachelor. Ben sways back and forth on the designated dancing carpet, remembering that time he was serenaded by Amos Lee.

GROUP DATE
Amanda
Twin
Jennifer
Shush
Leah
Amber
Kindergarten Teacher
Olivia
Jami
Rachel
Lace
Twin

The girls pour out of two limos wearing their cutest sportswear and hot pink sneakers brought to you by the good folks over at Nike. U.S. women’s soccer world champions Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara join Ben on the field and then Chris Harrison walks out looking hot and athletic in his soccer jersey. He explains that the girls will be divided into two teams. They will play two 15-minute games and the team with the most goals will get a cocktail party with Ben. The losers have to go home.

Alex takes one group and Kelly takes the other. The Stars team verses the Where’s Waldo team. The producers wisely separate the twins. Star Twin takes the goalie position and DOMINATES. Ben gets a kick out of her defensive skills. He takes a moment to congratulate her, affectionately calling her “Hey you! Way to go girl!”

Rachel goes down with a sweep to the leg. Everyone rushes to her aid, but she manages to get up off the ground, promising that she is totally fine. Her face says something different. I can understand why she pressed on. Unemployed people rarely have health insurance. Olivia uses Rachel’s bum leg to her advantage and takes the Where’s Waldo team to victory.

As the girls swarmed each other to celebrate, I waited for one of them to whip off their jersey and slide on their knees Brandi Chastain style. Then I realized that none of them were born in 1999. Suddenly, Amber pops into the screen in her sports bra. I’m glad she is taking her resident old lady role seriously. Someone needs to teach these babies about one of the most iconic moments in women’s sports history.

Rachel crumbles to the ground in a puddle of salty tears after the defeat. We don’t know if it’s because of the pain, the loss or Obamacare. What we do know is that Shushana is a beast. While the Stripes pour champagne into their commemorative trophy cup, everyone’s favorite Russian physically carries Rachel into the mansion followed by a line of losers.

At the victory party, all the winners are showered, shaved, curled, glossed and in their most sparkly shoes. Just as Ben is about to toast the victors, Olivia interrupts him, asking for some alone time. Lace and Amber break a beer bottle, each taking half, so they can shank Olivia later.

While Ben encourages Olivia to hang in there because the others find her intimidating (HELLO RED FLAG!), Amber and Lace start gossiping about Olivia’s body parts. And her halitosis. Jami reports this nonsense to Olivia because she’s known her for five days and that’s what best friends do.

Jami: They were talking about parts of your body.
Olivia: My calves?
Jami: No.
Olivia: My cankles?
Jami: No.
Olivia: What then?
Jami: Your toes.
Olivia: Perfection is so lame.

Sadly, “Olivia’s toes” trended on Twitter and the Internet almost broke from people searching Google. Of course Mike Fleiss never airs a shot of her toes. We’ll have to wait until week 6 to get that story. Or tonight at the rose ceremony. Patience grasshopper.

Amber finally gets some alone time with Ben and she uses his buzz word “hope” four times in the conversation. Then she makes out with him. She also gets the date rose. She tells the camera that she has never been safe at a rose ceremony. I would have kept that information to myself.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Jubilee

Jubilee doesn’t wear underwear. I know this because I could see through her white pants. She also complains that Ben is 20-minutes late for their date when he arrives to pick her up. He owns up to his tardiness, trusting that she will forgive him when the helicopter lands in the driveway. All of the girls follow Jubilee and Ben outside and give her death stares when she casually mentions that she’s afraid of heights and “Would anyone else like to go on my date?”

Ben asks her if she’s having fun. She shrugs. Ben offers her some caviar. She spits in out in her napkin. Ben asks her what she likes to eat? She’s a fan of the hot dog. Ben looks like he’s about to take her fingernails and push them through his eyeballs, but Jubilee softens, admitting that she was over the moon when she got his date card. She calls him “white boy” and he laughs, retorting later with, “I ain’t that white.”

Sweet baby Ben. Honey, you are as white as they come. Your skin is so sunburned right now that I’m concerned for your health. Not that there’s anything wrong with being pale. You rock that porcelain! Just do it safely. SPF 40.

Jubilee goes on to tell him that he’s essentially not a genuine laughter and that she has no idea who he really is, but she’s willing to find out. Ben seems to adore this strong stance on life and calls it “refreshing.” Jubilee shares that it’s hard for her to make friends because she tells it like it is. What many don’t understand is that she has layers. If people were kind, they’d take the time to peel. Ben goes for it and asks about her time in Haiti. We learn that Jubilee’s past was horrible, but she’s proud that she came out of it okay. Ben commends her for her strength and gives her the rose. The girls are SHOCKED when Jubilee comes back to the mansion.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben arrives and everyone stands up to salute him. He’s in a somber mood because two people close to his family passed away in a plane crash. They were pillars of his community and the weight of this news has really hit home for him. He wants someone in his life who can sit and talk about tough moments. He’s excited to find that woman here. Cheers to…

Olivia: Can I grab you pllllleeeeeaaaaaaasssssse?

#Aco-taco

Ben is a gentleman, so he follows Olivia to the outdoor fire place.
Ben is a gentleman, so he listens as Olivia lists what she hates about herself.
Ben is a gentleman, so he doesn’t leave when Olivia apologizes for “trying to be strong” as she talks about her cankles.

Jubilee takes a different approach. She has the ABC Intern fetch her massage table. She works out Ben’s tired, stressed out muscles, not saying a word. The girls send Jami to interrupt. Ben gingerly moves off of the table, his bones rubbery as noodles. He gives Jubilee a huge hug. Massages are Ben’s favorite thing in the world. Jubilee takes this news and meditates on its significance while wrapped up in a blanket outside.

Amber finds this behavior unacceptable. She marches out to Jubilee, demanding that she come inside because the girls want to chat.

Jubs: No.
Amber: We need to get this out in the open.
Jubs: No.
Amber: Then we will come to you.
Jubs: I don’t want any party of it. Why is the target on me? I don’t know what you’re trying to start, but GO AWAY.

She holes up in the sanctuary of the bathroom. JoJo tries to talk to her but she shouts for her to leave. Ben tries to console her, but no words help. Once again, Jubilee feels she has been shunned for “being awkward.” And she’s done talking about it.

That’s when the producers send Amber in to talk about it.

To Amber’s defense, she didn’t play the “I’m sorry” card. She basically told Jubilee that she’s been acting weird and the girls wanted to know why. Plus, her comment about like someone like taking her date, like TOTALLY like hurt a lot of the girls’ like feelings. Jubilee begins to cry, the term “egg shells” is tossed around and Ben assures her that he had a great date with her and he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. I believe Amber just secured the nail in her own coffin.

Ben tells the camera that the process is finally getting to the women. That must be why they are so crazy. He understands and doesn’t want anyone to feel left out.

Enter Lace. She feels left out.

She also feels that she isn’t living up to her tattoo: You can’t love someone until you truly love yourself. She is an emotional mess. Through clenched teeth and cold, exposed shoulders, she tells Ben that she realizes their connection just isn’t there. She is going to leave the show to work on her mental status. Ben runs to fetch the rejection SUV before she changes her mind.

Ben bids Lace adieu, heads back into the mansion and hands out roses to:

Flight Attendant Lauren
Amber
Jubilee
Kindergarten Teacher
Mom Amanda
Becca
Twin
Twin
Rachel
Caila
JoJo
Jennifer
Other Blonde Leah
Olivia

Out: Lace, Jami and Shushanna

Don’t worry about Olivia being called out last. Ben has been giving her all sorts of clues that he is way into her. For example, he pushed off the couch using her leg and grabbed her waist during a hug. In some indigenous cultures, that means they are practically engaged.

What did you think about the episode? Did the right people go home? Will you miss Lace? Will Olivia switch jobs to be a body language interpreter when she goes back to Austin? Sound off in the comments!