Bachelor Ben Recap: Team Where’s Waldo for the win

Bachelor Ben Recap: Episode 3

“I’m the reason everyone is here. I’m responsible for the feelings and emotions in this house.”
— Ben Higgins

This will be the death of him. I truly believe that. He is in for a drama-filled ride. Bless his Peter Brady-beating heart.

I don’t know if we’ve ever seen this much crying so early in the season. Jubilee wept (in front of JoJo) assuming that she isn’t Ben’s type. Caila bawled (in front of JoJo) admitting that she is overwhelmed by the reality that Ben is going to date other people. JoJo whimpered, wondering how she became the house psychiatrist. The tall blonde who isn’t the flight attendant howled when a soccer ball struck her in the boob, as the Kindergarten Teacher, ironically, mewled at the thought of balls flying toward her face.

I teared up when Our Host Chris Harrison waltzed into the mansion, smelling of a vintage 9-iron, sunshine and victory. Unlike Olivia, Harrison is able to read a room and immediately detects a hint of non compose mentis. He drops the date card on the coffee table, carefully noting that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. He makes Caila verbally acknowledge these rules since, from her ridiculous statement earlier, she clearly has no idea that she signed up for a reality dating show that has been on the air for 20 seasons.

Prep the weepers. Jami’s about to read the card.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Plexus peddler who is obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The Flight Attendant receives the first date card and Ben shows up in a black Mustang convertible. Once again, the ABC Intern forgot to pack a spare rubberband in the glove compartment and Lauren has to fight her own flying strands of hair for the attention of the hot dude next to her wearing a royal blue henley. Lauren spies a bright yellow biplane, grins at Ben and tells him that she’s been on a lot of airplanes in her life, but has never seen one like this.

Interesting. Do they not have Snoopy cartoons or Red Baron pizza where she is from?

Ben and Lauren glide and pitch through the clear sky, eventually flying over the mansion because, duh. The ABC Intern makes sure to herd all of the bachelorettes onto the patio, presumably to take part in a mandatory counseling session on, “What Happens When There Are No More Tears?” Then he whispers to The Informer (read: Amber) that Ben and Lauren are in the vintage plane twisting and turning above. More than one girl “can’t even” as others question if they are making out up there?

You an I know the answer to that very important question and it is, yes. Ben and Lauren made out like two people wearing wrestling head gear and microphones. Talk about aco-taco.

The plane lands in the Middle of Nowhere, California. Lauren hops on Ben’s back and he carries her over hills and dales to a waiting Jacuzzi. Since Kevin Hart brewed his junk in this exact hot tub last week, the network was forced to purchase the darn thing. Ben, Lauren and the executive producers would like for you to know that they fully understand this is random, but we’re going for it. Who cares if Lauren has to change into her string bikini behind a tree? IT’S CALLED ADVENTURE.

Lauren and Ben essentially take a bath together since the Jacuzzi jets obscure the viewing audience from hearing such riveting conversation as, “You’re cute” and “Thank you” and “I feel normal around you.” Once the pair feel sufficiently dorked out, Ben takes Lauren to a creepy Victorian house where ventriloquist dolls go to die. Over dinner, Lauren talks about how her dad likes landscaping. Ben talks about how his father had heart surgery. Sharing this information obviously makes Ben emotional and Lauren tries to make him feel better by saying, “I’d love to meet your family.” Instead of freaking out, Ben laughs and gives Lauren the date rose. Then he takes her up to the attic for a little ghostbusting.

Later, he escorts Lauren to the barn out back where Lucy Angel performs a private concert. According to Wikipedia, Lucy Angel is a trio of a mother and her two daughters. Her son is the intern on ABC’s hit franchise, The Bachelor. Ben sways back and forth on the designated dancing carpet, remembering that time he was serenaded by Amos Lee.

GROUP DATE
Amanda
Twin
Jennifer
Shush
Leah
Amber
Kindergarten Teacher
Olivia
Jami
Rachel
Lace
Twin

The girls pour out of two limos wearing their cutest sportswear and hot pink sneakers brought to you by the good folks over at Nike. U.S. women’s soccer world champions Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara join Ben on the field and then Chris Harrison walks out looking hot and athletic in his soccer jersey. He explains that the girls will be divided into two teams. They will play two 15-minute games and the team with the most goals will get a cocktail party with Ben. The losers have to go home.

Alex takes one group and Kelly takes the other. The Stars team verses the Where’s Waldo team. The producers wisely separate the twins. Star Twin takes the goalie position and DOMINATES. Ben gets a kick out of her defensive skills. He takes a moment to congratulate her, affectionately calling her “Hey you! Way to go girl!”

Rachel goes down with a sweep to the leg. Everyone rushes to her aid, but she manages to get up off the ground, promising that she is totally fine. Her face says something different. I can understand why she pressed on. Unemployed people rarely have health insurance. Olivia uses Rachel’s bum leg to her advantage and takes the Where’s Waldo team to victory.

As the girls swarmed each other to celebrate, I waited for one of them to whip off their jersey and slide on their knees Brandi Chastain style. Then I realized that none of them were born in 1999. Suddenly, Amber pops into the screen in her sports bra. I’m glad she is taking her resident old lady role seriously. Someone needs to teach these babies about one of the most iconic moments in women’s sports history.

Rachel crumbles to the ground in a puddle of salty tears after the defeat. We don’t know if it’s because of the pain, the loss or Obamacare. What we do know is that Shushana is a beast. While the Stripes pour champagne into their commemorative trophy cup, everyone’s favorite Russian physically carries Rachel into the mansion followed by a line of losers.

At the victory party, all the winners are showered, shaved, curled, glossed and in their most sparkly shoes. Just as Ben is about to toast the victors, Olivia interrupts him, asking for some alone time. Lace and Amber break a beer bottle, each taking half, so they can shank Olivia later.

While Ben encourages Olivia to hang in there because the others find her intimidating (HELLO RED FLAG!), Amber and Lace start gossiping about Olivia’s body parts. And her halitosis. Jami reports this nonsense to Olivia because she’s known her for five days and that’s what best friends do.

Jami: They were talking about parts of your body.
Olivia: My calves?
Jami: No.
Olivia: My cankles?
Jami: No.
Olivia: What then?
Jami: Your toes.
Olivia: Perfection is so lame.

Sadly, “Olivia’s toes” trended on Twitter and the Internet almost broke from people searching Google. Of course Mike Fleiss never airs a shot of her toes. We’ll have to wait until week 6 to get that story. Or tonight at the rose ceremony. Patience grasshopper.

Amber finally gets some alone time with Ben and she uses his buzz word “hope” four times in the conversation. Then she makes out with him. She also gets the date rose. She tells the camera that she has never been safe at a rose ceremony. I would have kept that information to myself.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Jubilee

Jubilee doesn’t wear underwear. I know this because I could see through her white pants. She also complains that Ben is 20-minutes late for their date when he arrives to pick her up. He owns up to his tardiness, trusting that she will forgive him when the helicopter lands in the driveway. All of the girls follow Jubilee and Ben outside and give her death stares when she casually mentions that she’s afraid of heights and “Would anyone else like to go on my date?”

Ben asks her if she’s having fun. She shrugs. Ben offers her some caviar. She spits in out in her napkin. Ben asks her what she likes to eat? She’s a fan of the hot dog. Ben looks like he’s about to take her fingernails and push them through his eyeballs, but Jubilee softens, admitting that she was over the moon when she got his date card. She calls him “white boy” and he laughs, retorting later with, “I ain’t that white.”

Sweet baby Ben. Honey, you are as white as they come. Your skin is so sunburned right now that I’m concerned for your health. Not that there’s anything wrong with being pale. You rock that porcelain! Just do it safely. SPF 40.

Jubilee goes on to tell him that he’s essentially not a genuine laughter and that she has no idea who he really is, but she’s willing to find out. Ben seems to adore this strong stance on life and calls it “refreshing.” Jubilee shares that it’s hard for her to make friends because she tells it like it is. What many don’t understand is that she has layers. If people were kind, they’d take the time to peel. Ben goes for it and asks about her time in Haiti. We learn that Jubilee’s past was horrible, but she’s proud that she came out of it okay. Ben commends her for her strength and gives her the rose. The girls are SHOCKED when Jubilee comes back to the mansion.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben arrives and everyone stands up to salute him. He’s in a somber mood because two people close to his family passed away in a plane crash. They were pillars of his community and the weight of this news has really hit home for him. He wants someone in his life who can sit and talk about tough moments. He’s excited to find that woman here. Cheers to…

Olivia: Can I grab you pllllleeeeeaaaaaaasssssse?

#Aco-taco

Ben is a gentleman, so he follows Olivia to the outdoor fire place.
Ben is a gentleman, so he listens as Olivia lists what she hates about herself.
Ben is a gentleman, so he doesn’t leave when Olivia apologizes for “trying to be strong” as she talks about her cankles.

Jubilee takes a different approach. She has the ABC Intern fetch her massage table. She works out Ben’s tired, stressed out muscles, not saying a word. The girls send Jami to interrupt. Ben gingerly moves off of the table, his bones rubbery as noodles. He gives Jubilee a huge hug. Massages are Ben’s favorite thing in the world. Jubilee takes this news and meditates on its significance while wrapped up in a blanket outside.

Amber finds this behavior unacceptable. She marches out to Jubilee, demanding that she come inside because the girls want to chat.

Jubs: No.
Amber: We need to get this out in the open.
Jubs: No.
Amber: Then we will come to you.
Jubs: I don’t want any party of it. Why is the target on me? I don’t know what you’re trying to start, but GO AWAY.

She holes up in the sanctuary of the bathroom. JoJo tries to talk to her but she shouts for her to leave. Ben tries to console her, but no words help. Once again, Jubilee feels she has been shunned for “being awkward.” And she’s done talking about it.

That’s when the producers send Amber in to talk about it.

To Amber’s defense, she didn’t play the “I’m sorry” card. She basically told Jubilee that she’s been acting weird and the girls wanted to know why. Plus, her comment about like someone like taking her date, like TOTALLY like hurt a lot of the girls’ like feelings. Jubilee begins to cry, the term “egg shells” is tossed around and Ben assures her that he had a great date with her and he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. I believe Amber just secured the nail in her own coffin.

Ben tells the camera that the process is finally getting to the women. That must be why they are so crazy. He understands and doesn’t want anyone to feel left out.

Enter Lace. She feels left out.

She also feels that she isn’t living up to her tattoo: You can’t love someone until you truly love yourself. She is an emotional mess. Through clenched teeth and cold, exposed shoulders, she tells Ben that she realizes their connection just isn’t there. She is going to leave the show to work on her mental status. Ben runs to fetch the rejection SUV before she changes her mind.

Ben bids Lace adieu, heads back into the mansion and hands out roses to:

Flight Attendant Lauren
Amber
Jubilee
Kindergarten Teacher
Mom Amanda
Becca
Twin
Twin
Rachel
Caila
JoJo
Jennifer
Other Blonde Leah
Olivia

Out: Lace, Jami and Shushanna

Don’t worry about Olivia being called out last. Ben has been giving her all sorts of clues that he is way into her. For example, he pushed off the couch using her leg and grabbed her waist during a hug. In some indigenous cultures, that means they are practically engaged.

What did you think about the episode? Did the right people go home? Will you miss Lace? Will Olivia switch jobs to be a body language interpreter when she goes back to Austin? Sound off in the comments!

Photo By: ABC.com

Comments

156 Comments on "Bachelor Ben Recap: Team Where’s Waldo for the win"

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Christina
Christina

Thank God Rachel can stay on her parents insurance until she’s 26 😉

Erin
Erin
Lincee

Good point!

emily
emily

LOL! I love the Obamacare reference.

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

HAHAHA….Do they not have Snoopy cartoons or Red Baron pizza where she is from? EXACTLY!!

And someone please tell Jubilee to NEVER wear a white top without a bra again. I swear I saw nipples. Several times.

Breanne McIntyre

Haha!! Yes! I described the scene to my husband: “And they went flying in one of those Snoopy airplanes.” He totally knew what I meant.

Tim
Tim

Pretty sure it was a Waco biplane. And I lusted after that by far more than any girl (other than my wife, in case she is reading this).

Lincee

Yes!

Tasha
Tasha

I’m still trying to figure out where the medics where when Rachel hurt her leg and said she needed crutches. Usually they are on the ball if there is a situation.

Lincee

That’s a great point Tasha!

Julie

I can’t believe Amber/Hoda Notb is still there.

Debra
Debra

That is such an amazing nickname haha

Annie
Annie

Felt really bad for Jubilee. Clearly it was hard for her to talk about her past, that’s why she was being aloof.

Rperry
Rperry

I agree. It can’t be easy after 4 years in the military to be spending time talking about hair, nails and toes with the other women. I think she is one of the most interesting people that has been on the show, but she’ll probably be in the BFF category soon.

aoqtepie
aoqtepie

agree I really liked her too. I like that she called him out on when he fake laughs and that she liked that she got a real laugh. I liked that she actually tried to comfort him and it didn’t seem like she was doing it to advance herself, she was just trying to help and she did and the others were just jealous. after being in the military I wouldn’t expect her to get along with all these women. she is far past them in life experiences

rebecca
rebecca

Agree! I was hoping they were building her up to be the future bachelorette but I think she’s a little too fragile and honest for this franchise, so they will pull the plug soon. You have to have a poker face to make it as a lead.

Nikki
Nikki

Totally agree with you Rebecca! But you can’t tell the lead that they have a poker face otherwise you’ll have a drunken lawyer yelling at you and kicking you off the show. 🙂

Skylar
Skylar

I felt bad for her too. Caila got some serious brownie points from me when she commented those girls didn’t want to talk about her actions – they were there to attack her.
The difference between the women not liking Jubilee and not liking Olivia is simple. Jubilee was being aloof and probably feeling somewhat vulnerable after talking about that horrible past which the other women completely misinterpreted, and Olivia is just plain mean.

jess
jess

“Sweet baby Ben. Honey, you are as white as they come. ”

That thing he did with his shoulders to prove that he’s not that white? Oh, Ben, no.

And Olivia? I really thought she was done after the “trying to be strong about my toooooooes” moment. I was literally yelling at him not to give her that last rose. Please put us out of our misery next week, Mr. Fleiss. I’m begging.

Laurie
Laurie

i think ben was trying to say he had a large penis….

Lauren
Lauren

Yesssss!!!! wasn’t that the rumor Caitlyn started, and that her friend who is on this season also mentioned?

Laurie
Laurie

that’s what i think!

tracee
tracee

funny……there are other stereotypes….we haven’t seen him dance yet?

Tammi
Tammi

I couldn’t believe that Flight Attendant Lauren said she was afraid to fly in the bi-plane. I may have actually yelled at the tv, “Don’t you spend your life in airplanes? Don’t they teach you all about air safety in flight attendant school?” Also, OHCH and Ben have both said that the twins were much easier to tell apart after the soccer game because one of them ended up in a cast. It has to be Emily, and she must be a beast in more than the goal if she made it through the rest of the week and the Rose ceremony with a broken bone.

KMB
KMB

In her defense, a large jet is really nothing like a bi-plane or a small aircraft. Engine stalls are pretty intense, like a roller coaster. I’ve experienced that once in a small aircraft and it’s pretty scary but also pretty fun.

lauralinz
lauralinz

Giiirl, when Ben said “he’s not that white” he was referring to his… Princess Sofia, no?

Kage
Kage

Little, big, little, big – we will find out! Lol, well played.

Hamster
Hamster

Interesting. Do they not have Snoopy cartoons or Red Baron pizza where she is from?
LOVED it!! Oh and #Aco-taco.

Zandi
Zandi

I spit out my drink when Olivia took Ben away at the Rose Ceremony and started crying about her cankles!! What the What?!! Dude just told you 2 people he knew died in a plane crash……granted, i’m sure they edited it to look like she didn’t console him at all, but wow…..not the time, Olivia, not the time.

Mary
Mary

So true! Not good acting either. Totally not convincing!

Haley
Haley

I felt bad for Lace and was glad she made the right choice for her.

I felt that I was going to dislike the twins based upon one of them saying “I’m not smart” but Emily endeared herself to me last night and was trying so hard for that win. Alright twins, I’m okay with you staying.

I still have my bet on Lauren B for winner, Caila as runner-up, perhaps Amanda as third place. I put it in writing.

Lincee- when Lauren B hopped up on Ben’s back to walk to the hottub, I was delighted to share with my man friend how you refer to their shorts as denim panties. You are changing vocabularies!

Mary
Mary

I wish I could like these comments like I do on Facebook =)

lolcat
lolcat

“Since Kevin Hart brewed his junk in this exact hot tub last week, the network was forced to purchase the darn thing.”

MY. EXACT. THOUGHT.

Micksgirl
Micksgirl

Mine too. Freaking hilarious.

BrittnotBrit
BrittnotBrit

LOL YES!!!

Kelli
Kelli

I could have sworn I heard Ben tell Lauren that she could change behind the tree. I freaking snorted when he said that. I may be the only one that feels this way, but there is something extremely offputting about Jubilee. Ben is a gregarious guy and I can’t imagine them attending some type of gathering and she spends the evening wrapped up in a blanket. I was also amused by the Olivia scene right after he announced the death of two friends and she pulled him aside to talk about her LEGS! Wait. What?

I think Ben is so sweet, but he’s gonna have to toughen up to weed out some of the b.s.

Overanalyzer
Overanalyzer

Meh. As an introvert married to an extrovert who would never change me, this type of thinking bugs me. I’m sure Jubilee’s perfectly capable of being polite and socializing in a normal setting. But any normal person is going to feel out of place in that environment on WEEK THREE. Hence her acting super weird. But she has never once said anything mean about anyone.

I also can’t stand one of the girls saying “Ben wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms”. No, not necessarily. For some reason all these girls think you need to be an extrovert in order to be worthy of marriage and that’s ridiculous.

Olivia posted something about being an introvert the other day and I thought it was ridiculous. This is a girl who makes a living speaking on camera and is obsessed with social media. No. Not an introvert.

rebecca
rebecca

agree! but on Olivia, she could be an introverted narcissist.

Tim
Tim

I am not a fan of Olivia anyway, but if that was not edited to look like she didn’t console him at all then that moved me from the mildly dislike to extreme unlike for her. Seriously…he is visibly upset and she is still just scamming to head off the possibility of someone else talking to him about her imperfect body parts and makes it all about her.

Not to give details, but in my past single life I had a girl that took a rather intimate moment we were sharing to brag about (and ask for confirmation) about the tightness of her….um…..grip.

That was the last time I ever saw her. What a revelation and a turnoff. But thank you former girlfriend. You saved me a lot of time in finding out we were not compatible.

Nicole
Nicole

OMG – memories! We used to have those scenes of the Bachelor-of-the-moment staring pensively at the picture frames… what ever happened to that room?!

Carina

I was so impressed by the convertible — how in the world did they do the audio? Props to the intern. There must have been mikes in Ben and Flight Attendant’s nasal passages since I have a convertible and on the highway with the top down at speed, I can’t hear myself think, let alone a voice… My fave line — Do they not have Snoopy cartoons or Red Baron pizza where she is from? Her comment about never having seen a plane like that made me laugh as I watched.

Allison
Allison

“Since Kevin Hart brewed his junk in this exact hot tub last week, the network was forced to purchase the darn thing.”

Best line of the week!

Michele aka Derbylea

Absolutely the best line! I laughed so hard

Laurie from Iowa
Laurie from Iowa

That, Lincee, is one of your all time best lines!

Kari K
Kari K

Totally agree! I actually laughed out loud at work and had to tell my neighbor what made me laugh so hard. Thankfully, she’s a Bachelor fan too!

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