Bachelor Ben recap: What happens in Vegas…ends up on national TV
Bachelor Ben recap: Episode 4
Behold! These are the faces of The Bachelor.
Get on board with the #acotaco hashtag, people. Clearly it is this year’s theme. Season 20 is the stuff with which Taylor Swift songs are made. Or Lifetime movies starring Alyssa Milano as the unstable ex-girlfriend who has invented a secret body language which translates normal gestures into declarations of love.
So sit back, relax and watch as Olivia lets her freak flag fly.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Plexus peddler who is obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Harrison arrives at the mansion, smelling like Nevada sunshine, solid gold dice and victory. He announces that everyone will be joining the rest of the cast in Las Vegas and bids them adieu before jetting back to a high roller poker game with famous author and best friend Nicholas Sparks, the reigning Miss U.S.A, former bachelor contestant Roberto and Soulja Boy. The women squeal with delight at the thought of frolicking around Sin City with their shared boyfriend. It’s unfortunate that half of them can’t partake in the fun because they are too young to drink and gamble.
Ben is excited to drive down the strip in his convertible Mustang. He thinks Vegas is a great place to find love. It’s also a great place to find herpes, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s time to pick up JoJo for the first one-on-one date. JoJo, wearing her best denim panties and off-both-shoulders pirate top, doesn’t think twice about having a quick cocktail on the roof of the hotel. Ben recycles a line from last week and says, “Our ride is here!”
This is the second helicopter in four episodes. I think it’s safe to assume that Harrison won the chopper from Wayne Newton in a rousing game of Texas Hold ‘Em. The pilot attempts to land on the roof and the tall, skinny cocktail table holding a bottle of champagne and crystal flutes crashes to the ground. Many fans around the world gasped, assuming that the ABC Intern would be fired for this tragic mistake.
Dear reader, the ABC Intern would never let something like this happen. He once schlepped a king-size bed into the desert. He arranged a coral reef to resemble the shape of a heart. He even tracked down Nick Viall to magically appear midway through Kaitlyn’s season. Tables are child’s play. My guess is that he was busy across town gathering the necessary materials to construct a rather large cardboard cake. Mark my words: He asked someone else to consider the structural integrity of the props when standing against gusts of wind from a propeller. And they didn’t listen. That person should be fired.
So there JoJo and Ben are, crouching among broken glass behind the flat top of an overturned table, making out like high school kids under the bleachers. If it hadn’t been so weird, it would have been adorable.
JoJo’s date landed the shortest amount of air time in the history of the franchise. After flying around Las Vegas, the camera cuts to the couple in a hotel room having dinner. It’s “deep discussion” time. JoJo confesses that she ended her 18-month relationship five months ago. She only uses the pronouns “their” and “they” which made me wonder if the relationship was with a girl? Was I the only one who thought that?
Ben retorts with a solid question: Do you think you’re ready for another relationship?
JoJo says what anyone would in her position — she wouldn’t be here if she didn’t think she was ready. There is free booze, a killer wardrobe sponsored by some boutique in Dallas and a couple of stamps in her passport should she go far in this journey, so yeah, she’s ready. Ben takes her outside to reenact Titanic’s iconic “king of the world” moment as fireworks blast in the distance. He nuzzles into her hair (sign of affection) and they make out.
Show Me What You’ve Got
Flight Attendant Lauren B.
I have no idea who these “Rachel and Leah” people are, but I’m going to give the episode the benefit of the doubt and not deduce that Mike Fleiss is sneaking randos in the lineup to confuse me.
The ladies arrive at Terry Fator’s theater. He’s a ventriloquist who won America’s Got Talent a few years ago and now makes MILLIONS of dollars headlining a show in Vegas. It’s a shame Lace missed this date. Terry tells the ladies that they are going to compete in a talent competition! Half of the group geeks out while the blood drains from the faces of the other half. Never fear ladies. Ben is just making sure you know how to let loose and have fun. But wait. There’s more! You’re going to perform your talent in front of Terry’s audience of 1,200 people! Fun times. Here’s a tray of cocktails. Drink up!
Here’s a breakdown of the talent:
Mama Amanda — Professional hula hooper.
Jubilee — Legitimately played a cello the ABC Intern rushed out and borrowed from the Las Vegas Symphony.
Caila — Changed into a bikini and matching sarong for a low-key hula dance.
Flight Attendant Lauren B. — Actually juggled.
Amber — No air time. Was it too boring to record?
Twins — Performed a lively Riverdance in matching outfits they confiscated from German tourists.
Leah — Dressed as a clown and bounced on a pogo stick. Bless her.
Lauren H. — Recited badly penned poetry in a bright yellow, full-body chicken costume.
Jennifer — Using only a tennis racket, bounced balls off the racket strings to strike a target across the stage.
Rachel — Twisting balloons. I didn’t spy a penis sword, so she must not be that good.
And then there was Olivia. She dresses herself in rhinestones, red feathers and a most uncomfortable looking thong. Thank goodness she shaved this morning. How do I know such an intimate detail about our wide-mouthed friend? Because she announced it on national television. Lord help us all.
Olivia removes the coolest part of her outfit, the poofy, feathery headdress, probably because she and the monstrosity couldn’t both fit into the cardboard cake. She pops out in essentially, a bedazzled bikini, thigh-high stockings and a cape that covers her bare butt because ABC is a family network. All she had to do was strut around, strike a few poses and blow some kisses in the general direction of the audience and she would have been fine. Instead, she clomped around (without shoes for some reason), executed a few halfhearted shimmies and giggled through her entire number.
Here’s hoping Olivia has Vodka to thank for those moves. She really took that mantra, “dance like nobody’s watching” to heart, didn’t she? This is why I instruct everyone to have a stupid human trick on deck in case the need arises. Nobody wants to end up in the dressing room crying like one of the kids from Dawson’s Creek. Which is exactly where Olivia retreated, sobbing to Rachel (YOU GOT WITH YOUR AIR TIME, RACH!) through yards of crimson feathers, lamenting over Ben’s pity hug.
Nonetheless, Olivia experiences a little self-realization and embraces the gravity of her “talent” that forced me to hide behind my couch cushion, peeking only when my friends Amy and Stephanie said things like, “Oh honey, no.” and “At least point your toes.” She decides the name of the game is Damage Control and she will stop at nothing to make sure she and Ben are back in the fictional relationship she conjured up last week.
But first Ben spends some alone time with Caila who definitely purchased her romper at www.leavenothingtotheimagination.net. He thinks she’s adorable. She thinks he’s adorable. Once that conversation is all said and done, she flings her legs in his lap and ATTACKS. Ben actually calls her a tigress and a Sex Panther. It makes sense. Usher and Ludacris told us countless times in 2004 that a lady in the street and a freak in the bed is preferred over other choices.
Ben moves on, complimenting Lauren H. for being the cutest “chick.” No one made a joke. Not one peep. Lauren cherishes this alone time by interviewing Little Ben. Oh, get your head out of the gutter. Little Ben is the puppet version of Bachelor Ben. Lauren looks the puppet in the eyes as if it’s real (taco) and whispers sultry sweet nothings in its ear as Ben watches. It was like a naughty version of a therapist trying to explain something to a child using dolls. She really went above and beyond when she kissed the darn thing. I can’t confirm the clear and present use of tongue, but I can report that Ben feigned jealously to secure a smooch for himself.
Olivia has finally moved through the stages of grief. She’s experienced shock, denial, lots of anger and binge drinking, yet she still wears a silky robe to the cocktail party as if she’s on the brink of a nervous breakdown. She settles down beside Ben on a couch to defend that super embarrassing moment using her two best weapons: her boobs. Olivia apologizes profusely for “trying to be sexy” and is really working on “embracing her awkward.” Ben asks her to stop apologizing just as Twin walks up to steal him away.
Olivia is dumbfounded. She recognizes that she bombed the entire date. She feels gut punched. Or she’s about to throw up from alcohol poisoning. I’m not sure. She does put her fingers up to her (closed) mouth and kept them there for an entire minute while she gave the dude operating the camera a blank stare. Producers wanted to play “Crazy Love” during this interlude, but they couldn’t get the musical rights from Van Morrison.
Olivia stress eats after spending non-quality time with her fictional fiancé. Flight Attendant Lauren B. tells Ben that she’s having a hard time navigating her feelings. Ben asks what exactly it is that she’s questioning, and Not Leah laughs and points to the other concubines in the harem. Then she asks him how it’s possible that she fell for someone on a first date.
Lauren: Do you realize that could have been my last first date ever?
Easy there, Blondie. You asked to meet his parents last week. Is Olivia so crazy that it’s leaking out of her pores and spilling on you? Let’s put our seats back into their full, upright and most uncomfortable positions so we can concentrate, okay? You’ve got a good shot. Don’t blow it.
Next up is Twin. She prattles on about how Vegas is her hometown and how her dogs are the best. Suddenly, Olivia begins to make her way over to steal. Both Ben and Twin agree through subliminal messages to not look up. If you don’t make eye contact with Olivia, will she know that you know that she’s there? WALL OF SILENCE!
Twin can’t take the pressure and allows Olivia a second one-on-one with Ben. Olivia apologizes again as she dances on the balls of her feet. Ben asks, “What’s going on right now?” I thought she had to go to the bathroom. Olivia blames her behavior on a bad day. Also, she doesn’t want him to feel guilty.
I’m confident Olivia’s astrological sign is a giant red flag.
Ben quickly kisses Olivia so she’ll go away. This is equivalent to Ben vowing to guard and protect her heart — in Olivia body language. She doesn’t even mind when he gives the date rose to Lauren Not Leah.
Becca receives a huge white box from the concierge and all the ladies gather around to judge and watch her unveil the shiniest wedding dress in the history of ever. The third convertible of the season arrives to pick up Becca and whisk her away to the Little White Chapel. Becca looks like the type of girl who would wear a hair tie around her wrist like the rest of us, but I’ll let it pass since rubber bands really don’t go with her outfit.
Ben greets her as she walks down the aisle in the chapel. He gets down on one knee and asks Becca, “Will you marry…other people with me today?” Becca is so relieved that this wasn’t a real proposal because none of it was anything near what she had envisioned on her secret Pinterest board. I don’t know what the big deal is — If Britney can do it, so can she.
Becca changes into a vintage bohemian wedding dress from the ‘70s. Like most of the details in this post, I’m making this up, but truly, all that was missing was a crown of daisies around her head. Ben opts to untuck his shirt, lose the tie and quickly get ordained in the state of Nevada because he’s really going to marry about 25 couples. Ben loves that Becca is there to support him as he joins two people in the holy bounds of matrimony. Travis and Leah didn’t seem to mind either. Their wedding was free as long as they signed on the dotted line, I’m sure.
Later that night, Becca and Ben wander around the Neon Graveyard to discuss important topics like, “Was The Farmer a complete jack wagon?” Becca explains that she was so closed off from The Farmer and that she cares so much more this season. Somewhere in Iowa, a former Dancing with the Stars contestant hurls an ear of corn at the coffee shop television set. Ben calls her out for being the runner-up, wondering if she sticks around even when she’s not feeling it, but quickly moves on to bigger topics — virginity.
Ben knows that they have similar faiths and have both made a commitment to God, but he wonders if the fact that he’s NOT a virgin gives Becca pause. The answer is no. Ben is attracted to Becca’s willingness to stick to her guns even though she wants to jump his bones. They both feel reassured and he gives her the date rose after they make vows to each other. He promises to always look her in the eyes (wrong girl, Ben, that was Lace), smile, laugh, to always be honest and to always take her on cool dates (that ABC pays for.) She promises to always tell him he’s great.
She might as well promise to paint the town beige on their next date. Come one Becca! Head in the game!
SURPRISE THIRD DATE
We all knew this day was coming. The inevitable two-on-one with the Twins. The sweet girls speak together, tandem elliptical together and both want the other one to go. Ben marks one with a bandage on her thumb, takes them on a HOME TOWN VISIT so he can talk to their mother and later blame her for giving him the information he needed to finally choose between the sisters.
Twin escorts Ben to her room and is embarrassed that it’s so messy. Also, who hangs their bras on hooks out in the open? Is this a thing? Am I supposed to have more than three bras? I’m confused. The worst part was when Ben noticed not one but TWO photos of Twin and her ex-boyfriend in frames out in the open. Hear that? It’s the sound of one twin assuming she’s a rough draft.
Other Twin takes a different approach. She lays down on her bed and lists all the reasons she is better than Twin. Ben talks to their mom and it is confirmed that Twin and Twin are actually two different individuals. He makes a big speech in front of the sisters, praising their wonderful qualities. Then he chooses Twin With A Bandage and votes the other off the island. Both ugly cry the exact same way.
Before anyone can do anything, Jennifer asks Ben if they can have some alone time and everyone applauds her gumption except Olivia and Jubilee. Jen is 30-seconds into sharing her insecurities with Ben, when Olivia steals her away. I almost fast forwarded.
Olivia apologizes — again. Ben asks her to stop apologizing — again. She claims that she was briefly abducted from her own body during that horrible dance. I blame Mesa Verde. Olivia tells Ben that she’s falling for him. He grabs her hands, smiles and kisses her cheek.
Olivia: Oh I got the message. I got the message LOUD AND CLEAR.
Just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of crazy, there’s an underground garage of crazy below that. JoJo intercepts Olivia when she returns, asking how her time with Ben was spent. Olivia admits that she told Ben she was falling for him. JoJo asks her to confirm: “falling for or falling in love?” Olivia smiles.
JoJo: I can’t believe you told him that. We’ve been passionate, but I would never say “I love you” unless I knew it was going to be reciprocated.
Olivia: It was reciprocated.
I hope Olivia stays F-O-R-E-V-E-R.
Roses go to:
Lauren B. Not Leah
Leah Not Lauren
It’s probably best that Rachel is gone since I never really knew who she was in the first place. And sweet Amber. Don’t fret, girlfriend. You have at least one more BAP in you! Third time’s a charm!
Thanks so much for your patience today. I’ve been traveling for a speaking engagement in Virgina Beach! If the Bachelor Ben recap seems choppy, it’s because I wrote it in 20-minute intervals across the country. Enjoy!