Bachelor Ben recap: I don’t wanna taco bout it

Bachelor Ben recap: Episode 5

I’m not sure if Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love. But I do know it’s definitely better than the Iowa Caucus. Even George Stephanopoulos thinks so. Hang in there George. It’s going to be a long year for you buddy.

Our episode was full of girly gossip, crying blondes and a rose ceremony which ended in a dramatic “to be continued” moment that sent watching parties into high levels of irritation because WE HATED WHEN ABC DID THIS LAST SEASON.

I have no idea what to think about Olivia’s rose. If I were a betting woman, I would assume that ABC wouldn’t allow Ben to let both Jubilee and Olivia go home in the same episode. But as Becca pointed out, “There are no rules. He can do whatever he wants.” That may result in our bachelor pulling a different kind of Mesnick by proclaiming “just kidding” and taking Olivia’s date rose back before escorting her to the door.

I’m getting ahead of myself. There’s so much to talk about before we get to the fate of Olivia’s rose. Grab your passports, ladies. Viva Mexico!

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Plexus peddler who is obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The ladies arrive in Mexico City ready for this exciting leg of their journey. Their Four Seasons’ digs are incredible, their top knots are severe and their fake smiles are expectant as the date card is read out loud.

“Let’s Put All Our Eggs In One Basket”

Thanks to my new friend Melissa’s keen eye, and her large screen television where I was watching last night, I was able to witness up-close-and-personal just how tight Ben’s jeans were when he snuck into the bachelorette’s room at the crack of dawn. He had credit card in his pack pocket. I could quote the numbers, but I don’t want to be responsible for Ben falling victim to identity theft. Not only were the jeans tight, they were ivory. Which makes sense, since the clue on the date card is clearly a nod to something Easter related.

Ben sneaks in and uses a small flashlight to sufficiently scare the bejesus out of the ladies. Lauren H. giggles, embarrassed about her retainer. JoJo grabs her boobs for some reason. Olivia talks about her “dragon breath” just as Ben inquires about a certain weave on the bedside table. Finally he wanders over to Amanda’s bed to invite her to join him on their wee-hours-of-the-morning date. She only had 15-minutes to get ready. Sadly, the woodland creatures who typically help her dress in the morning were still asleep in the forest. It’s a good thing she wakes up with flawless makeup and perfect hair. Otherwise, this might have been a problem. All she had to do was brush her teeth and put on her clothes and she was done! Based on her off-the-shoulder top, she didn’t even have to worry about a pesky bra. Early mornings are fun!

Ben helps her into the limo as they make their way to the outskirts of town. They have an engaging conversation, but I’m not sure what she said because I can’t understand her voice. Does Google translator have a Disney Princess option? Someone Tweet Tenley. She’ll know.

The limo turns a corner to reveal dozens of hot hair balloons ready to take flight. Two thoughts popped into my head at this point: 1) Amanda never once mentioned that she was afraid of heights. Is she on the right date? 2) Is the official ABC Bachelor helicopter not allowed in Mexico? Could we not get permission to fly in Mexico air space?

Amanda and Ben enjoy a bit of alone time in the balloon basket with the camera guy and the hot air guy. They make out when Ben isn’t spouting off fun facts about the ancient city of Teotihuacan. I hope he gave the ABC Intern a few extra bucks to donate to Wikipedia.

After the balloon ride, Ben and Amanda set out for a picnic. We find them horizontal among the dead wildflowers. It was just like Bella and Edward in Twilight, but not. (Thank you for that Stephanie!) Amanda shares a little bit more about her daughters and ex-husband. I didn’t really listen because, like my Twitter friend ???? I was too busy wondering why no one taught Ben how to hold a flute:

In the spirit of the upcoming Olympics, Amanda chooses a lovely black sparkly number, ideal for the long program, as her dinner dress. She shares more about her lying, cheating ex-husband and Ben praises her for being vulnerable, as well as being brave enough to leave her children to spend time with him. It was a sweet moment. And at the end of the day, Amanda looks the exact same as when Ben woke her up at stupid o’clock that morning. I wish I knew the brand of her 24-hour lip gloss.

Lauren B.

Ben takes the girls to a classroom so they can learn Spanish. Olivia actually takes notes. Caila already knows Spanish and has no problem reciting “I love you” to Ben. Ben tells Leah that he’s falling in love with her (in Spanish) and she believes him. I have no doubt. Bless her. Jubilee taunts him for telling her he loved her when he told everyone else. This makes Ben visibly angry. Then he asks Olivia to marry him and she accepts. She begins mentally picking out bridesmaid dresses. They are red. The color of the flag she carries.

After the Spanish lesson, the girls head over to meet Chefs Nico and Lula who will teach them how to cook authentic Mexican food. They are instructed to pair up and Olivia grabs Ben like he’s the last cashmere sweater at the Barney’s sale. Everyone, especially Jubilee, is upset that the Maneater has once again hooked her claws in Their Boyfriend. Heaven help us all. They actually call him that.

The pairs run downstairs from the fancy restaurant to buy the ingredients for their dishes. Caila basically does all the shopping. Twin is more interested in buying candy. Jennifer explains that Twin’s palate hasn’t expanded beyond the kids’ menu. Having the eating habits of a sophisticated fourth grader, I understand and say, “EAT YOUR CHUPA CHUPS WITH PRIDE, TWIN!”

Olivia is on a high because she gets to shop with Ben. Who cares that he gently persuaded her to eat a mint (dragon breath) for no reason? Olivia and Ben are practically on their honeymoon! Minus the Twin wielding the butcher knife and Becca glaring at her, pretending to discuss her man bun with JoJo.

Everyone bustles around the kitchen, preparing their delicious dishes. Ben makes a lame spatula joke that I will refrain from repeating. All the girls are getting along, except Jubilee. The time finally comes for the group to join the chefs around the table, Lord Supper style, to hear who is the best cook. According to Chef Nico, if a woman knows her way around a kitchen, she’s ready to get married. Let’s check out Ben’s roster of potential soul food mates:

Twin and Jen — not ready for love
Caila and Leah — ready for love
JoJo and Becca — not ready for love
Lauren and Jubs — ready for love
Oliva and Ben — to quote my friend Emily, “Don’t ever say ‘my taco is delicious.’” #noted Also, their dish was disgusting. Chef Lula compared it to dog food.

Olivia is the first to grab Ben at the cocktail party. No one said anything because we’re all used to this by now. The Twin stole him away, followed by Caila and Becca who both scored a few smooches.

Next up was Flight Attendant Lauren. She is so happy to share 10 minutes with Ben. It quickly turned into 30 minutes. They stroll around the city, while the other girls are holed up in the cocktail party staging area. Ben acts as if they are a married couple. Lauren’s subliminal messaging (that tight, white dress) must have worked on him. Ben loves that he doesn’t have to bend down to kiss her.

Finally, Ben invites Jubilee to join him. He offers her his hand, and she refuses it. Whoopsie. She then sits on the opposite side of the couch from him and tells him that she’s sort of sad that she’s being overshadowed by Flight Attendant, Becca and JoJo. Ben wants to know if she’s having a difficult time with this process? Jubs basically answers “duh,” explaining that it’s super hard to hold on to the feelings from when she called him a white boy so many moons ago.

He responds as kindly as possible. He tells her that he liked their time together, but he feels that she’s been pulling away. Case in point? She doesn’t let him hold her hand. To Jubilee’s defense, she counters with, “I don’t like to see you do that with other girls. I’m protecting their feelings. I just want it to be you and me.”

Newsflash: That’s not possible.

Jubilee senses a shift in The Force. She asks Ben point blank if he sees something between them. He answers honestly, “It’s unfair to say that with what has happened and how things have progressed with other relationships. I think it’s best if we said good-bye.”

I did not see that coming.

And neither did the network, because the rejection SUV is nowhere in sight. Poor Jubilee had to go back to the Four Seasons in a Spanish taxi. Ben clearly feels horrible. Jubs feels unlovable. I agree with my watching party: JUBILEE IN PARADISE!

Ben makes his way back to the other ladies and tries to form a gentlemanly sentence about Jubilee’s departure. JoJo swoops him up before he can even begin to say, “It’s not her, it’s me.” She makes it all better by sticking her tongue down his throat. Then he gives Olivia the date rose.

I did not see that coming.

Lauren H.
Let’s Design a Life Together

Sweet Lauren H. is definitely growing on me. Her shorty shorts are not. And her Mexican tourist shirt is just as disturbing. Somehow, it’s long in the back and sways well below her almost exposed butt cheeks, yet I can see her belly button in the front. It’s a feat of engineering. I bet the Spanish version of Tim Gunn couldn’t wait to get her into one of his glorious designs and out of that monstrosity. Hooray for Mexico Fashion Week! And hooray that Lauren H. has legs for days to pull this modeling gig off! Make it work, Lauren. Make it work.

A fashion coach instructs Lauren to keep soft elbows and a pouty face. She’s nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs. Ben calms her down, reminding Lauren that she’s never going to get to walk a runway again. He means this is an endearing way. He praises her beauty and confidence. I high five no one because he’s so freaking nice. They hold hands and right before she’s slated to walk out, she gives a little “Holy SHOOT!” and takes the stage. She was a little bit blinky, but didn’t once vomit or fall over. VICTORY!

Ben waltzes by her looking LIKE A BOSS. Once he gets almost even with her on the runway, he casually nods in her direction and tops it off with an incredibly adorable wink, never wavering from blue steel.

I’m going to go ahead and declare that moment as one of the best in Bachelor franchise history. Who’s with me? The tequila shots backstage was the cherry on top. I love this guy and hope he finds his one true love. Lauren rocks the dinner portion of the date and secures a position out of the Friend Zone and the rose.

Lesson learned? Girls who were their retainers get fun one-on-one dates. Take THAT everyone who ever made fun of my head gear! You go Other Lauren!

I think it’s important for me to point out that JoJo’s dress was weird. It was made from a curtain, right? Food for thought.

Also, Lauren B. needs to calm down with all the “forever” talk. She brings it up every single rose ceremony. I do think she’s a front-runner for sure, but she needs to relax a bit.

And then there’s Olivia. Who compared Amanda to a teen mom and the proceeded to backpedal for the rest of the episode. Common sense dictates that one would know not to go there, but I think we are well beyond common sense with O-Liv. Whipping up a few tears only made matters worse. Twin was so mad that she made the coup de grâce of all mistakes on The Bachelor — she tattled on another contestant.

Well, it was more like sputtering out complaints and “she’s manipulative” between snotty sobs and hiccups. It’s clear that Twin is overtired. What we don’t know is the brand of the falsies she’s wearing because those mothers stood the test of a pretty impressive cry fest!

Naturally Olivia interrupts Twin’s bashing sesh because O is not a complete idiot. She knows that the girls are out to get her. She thinks it’s because they are jealous of her imaginary engagement ring and sweet-smelling red rose. Twin leaves and calls Twin. She hold her chest while ugly crying in the phone saying things like, “It’s not faaaaaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrr.” Other Twin understands completely. Her heart was hurting too. She felt the pain in Vegas.

Ben decides to investigate. Amanda and Jennifer both confirm Twin’s story that Olivia is one way with them and quite another when he’s around. He respects Our Host Chris Harrison clinking of the glass, but holds off on the rose ceremony so he can discuss the matter with Olivia.


How annoying. What do you think? Will he take away her rose? Or do you think the producers want more more week with the all the drama? Sound off in the comments section!

And thank you to IHGB fan (and now friend) Melissa for inviting me over to your house to watch the show. Not only are your friends so much fun, but you are a rock star for going above and beyond the call of duty to have your watching party featured on the live show. You are the wing beneath my wings.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Ben

Yes, that is me — shawty on the back right. What you can’t see are the hives on my neck!


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