Bachelor Ben Recap: This little piggy

Bachelor Ben Recap: Episode 6 —

Raise your hand if you are thoroughly confused, yet completely satisfied after that head scratcher of an episode? I have yet to figure out if Caila really likes Ben, but I do know she suffers from all the feels. I’m too lazy to Google if “swimming with pigs in the Bahamas” is a thing. I’m inclined to think that ABC chose the much more affordable package where swimming with pigs replaces swimming with dolphins during hurricane season. Also, what kind of world do we live in when I feel sorry for Olivia and Leah is running around with her pants on fire? And when did lace swimwear and denim panties become this season’s statement necklace?

Thank goodness Ben is growing out his chest hair and Our Host Chris Harrison is still around to represent what mature swagger looks like. It’s nice to have some normalcy to combat the illusion that anyone knows what is going on this season.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Plexus peddler who is obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our episode begins where the last one left off: What is the fate of Olivia’s rose? Harrison has just summoned the bachelor to wrap things up at the cocktail party and Ben requests a private audience with Olivia far enough away from the other girls that they can’t hear what’s going on, but close enough that they can see hand gestures and facial expressions. Mama Amanda and Twin are taking bets that Olivia is a goner.

Ben opens his dialog with a vague statement: “I’m confused by the things being said.”

This is only the beginning, Ben. Buckle up.

Olivia compiles a hefty defense. She opens with the ever-popular “there’s a target on my back,” playfully reminding Ben that he’s somewhat responsible for how she’s been ostracized by the group. He does have a habit of tossing roses her way, including the first impression. But never fear! She’s totally got this. The girls hate her because she’s aggressive and they don’t know how to handle her confidence. Plus, she doesn’t like to do their hair or paint nails. She likes to read and think.

She wants to talk smart things.

funny bachelor recap-Jim Halpert Face

She garnishes the conversation with a few salty tears, a winning smile and an escort back to the group with her rose still in hand. Twin involuntarily rolls her eyes. Olivia tells the camera that she’s not going anywhere and everyone else can suck it. She will not be including this clip in her potential news anchor reel.

Along with Amanda, Lauren H. and Olivia, roses go to Caila, Lauren B. JoJo, Becca, Leah and Twin. Jennifer makes her way to the rejection limo. The girls are sad for a hot second, because Jennifer is a good girl who deserved Olivia’s rose. They get over it as soon as Ben announces the next stop on their journey to find love. Pack your bikinis, sunscreen and several candles in case the electricity goes out, because we’re going to the Bahamas! Hooray!

The ladies arrive at a random hotel that is not the Atlantis. Harrison pops in looking tan and handsome, smelling of sea spray, Caribbean rum and thrilling escapades. He delivers somber news — the dreaded two-on-one date will be arriving this week. But first, Caila scores the one-on-one.

This annoys Leah to no end. In case you forgot, Caila has been on a one-on-one date. Olivia has been validated three times with a date rose and Twin technically had alone time on the ride back home when Ben dumped Other Twin. She’s pissed and she’s questioning everything.

Ironically, I questioned Ben’s decision to saunter into the ladies’ hotel room wearing a gorgeous sky blue shirt blatantly open for all to see his budding chest hair. Tighten up, Ben. You look like a pirate.

Ben feels that he and Caila didn’t really get to visit during their first one-on-one because Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Amos Lee were highly distracting. The camera cuts back and forth from Ben and Caila deep-sea fishing to Leah crying about life not being fair. Not only was she forced to sleep in the teeny, tiny bed that was wedged between the wall and another bed, but she feels like a fool for being there in the first place without ever having had any alone time with Ben.

Cut to Caila feeling great! She’s so petite, the fishing belt doesn’t even fit around her hips. How darling! Cut to Leah wiping her mascara away pondering why Ben would keep her here this loooooonnnnggg if he didn’t like hhheeeeerrrrrrrrrr. Over to Caila catching a big fish and kissing it! Back to Leah questioning why the universe would allow her to come on the show when she could have met Ben in a bar down the street from her house. Can’t he take a leap with her? Cut to Caila and Ben taking a leap off of their catamaran. What lovely editing. I hope the boys in the booth win an Emmy for this piece of television genius.

That night, Ben decides that there has to be more to Caila than holding her fishing belt and making out. He wants to see if she can be vulnerable. No one smiles that much and he needs to get to the bottom of this mystery. He broaches the subject by asking Caila how she would react if someone was struggling around her? She calls a spade a spade and counters with, “I feel a little put on the spot to be vulnerable right now and I don’t want to do that.” Ben handles the moment with grace. He specifically asks, “Do you think I’m the one for you?”

Caila:  I feel like I love you. Don’t know why I feel I can’t share. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not ready. Your greatest fear is feeling unlovable and my biggest fear is I will hurt you.

Here’s what we learned when we passed around the feeling stick:

Ben — feels confused
Ben — feels he needs to know EXACTLY what Caila is feeling
Caila — feels her mind is feeling different from her heart
Ben — feels confused again
Caila — validates Ben’s feeling of confusion
Lincee — feels that saying “feel” over and over doesn’t necessarily confirm you feel anything
Ben — feels like he’s willing to sit and talk until he understands the feels
Caila — feels she is falling in love because she feels like she’s understood
Lincee — feels that Caila’s definition of love is abstract
Caila — feels that she is a confusing person
Lincee — feels that Caila just made sense for the first time in 10 minutes
Caila — feels that Ben wants to be loved
Lincee — feels like saying, “Duh.”
Caila — feels that she wants Ben in her life
Caila — feels that Ben makes her happy
Ben — feels that the most attractive quality about Caila is that she’s confusing
Ben — feels that in the weirdest way possible, this was the best date of his life
Lincee — feels that everyone is slowly suffering from sun stroke
The ABC Intern — feels that Lincee is right and forces the contestants to hydrate more
Ben — feels he should give Caila the rose
Caila — feels that she wants to give a rose to Ben too
Lincee — feels that this date is a lesson in double talk
Ben — feels he should whisper “come here” to Caila
Lincee — feels that she might swoon
Lincee — feels she should share this GIF with the IHGB community

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Ben Recap Wink

GROUP DATE
Flight Attendant Lauren B.
Becca
Amanda
JoJo
Lauren H.
Leah

As the names are rattled off one-by-one, it’s clear to Twin that she will be tackling the two-on-one date with Olivia. Olivia isn’t scared at all. Even though she’s the exact same age as Twin, she compares her to a tiny bird and is annoyed that she will have a small child tagging along on her date with Ben. Twin calls Other Twin to share the juicy news. Other Twin siphons some Wonder Twin power through the phone, insisting that there’s no need to send the monkey. Twin’s got this.

The group date girls slip into their lace-themed bikinis, denim panties and silky robes that are doubling as swimsuit cover-ups. Ben tricks them into thinking they are going to chill on a boat and drink rum all day long. Untrue. They are actually going to swim with dolphins, manatees, stingrays, PIGS! It’s easy, really. All you have to do is dangle a hot dog in front of them and they will swim up and eat it out of your hand! If you want them to go away, simply cross your arms over your chest. Who wants to pet Peppa?

Much like the Super Bowl, this entire idea was a hot mess. It was a Cinemax version of Lord of the Flies. Pigs were jumping onto scantily clad women even though their arms were in the official submissive pig position. Several were emotionally scarred and will probably never feel the same about eating bacon again. Even JoJo was attacked for wielding the bucket of hot dogs. At first I thought the pigs were crazy because random tourists ventured out to Pig Island to feed them remnants of their fallen brothers and sisters. I guess that’s why Ben shouted on more than one occasion, “These are CHICKEN hot dogs.”

If we compare the date to the sloppy Super Bowl game, we can use context clues and assume an entertaining halftime show was conveniently edited out. Surely there was a little “Uptown Funk” going on between Lauren B. and Ben. Why else would all the girls behaved the way they did? Talk about a mood swing. This was more like a mood theme park.

A lesser man would have blamed swine flu and ignored the icy glares. Not our Ben. He decides to address the misfires and starts with Leah. One might guess that Leah would handle herself like a pearl before the aforementioned swine. One might be wrong.

Leah peppers Ben with a list of WHY questions. Why didn’t he give her the one-on-one date? Why am I the group date groupie? Why is Lauren H. wearing a doily bathing suit? Why don’t you like me? Why am I here? Why can’t I stop touching my hair? Why does Mama Amanda say “like” so much? Why are you so cute?

Bachelor Ben Recap Wink

Ben asks her to stick with the date and just have fun. Who cares if the pigs have formed a protective barrier around the edge of the island and everyone is forced to get crotch rot as they bob in the water with pool noodles all afternoon long? Life is an adventure to be lived!

Becca is the first to score some dry, on-land alone time with Ben. He asks how she is feeling and Becca launches in with the inevitable, “It’s clear you have a connection with Lauren B. Today messed with my head.” He thanks her for her honesty and rewards her with a kiss. The same goes for Amanda. He wants her to “stay that girl” that he was attracted to before he accidentally ruled the world with Lauren B. earlier in the day. She agrees to not only do that, but also commits to wearing her signature off-the-shoulder blouses. Leah is next in line to sit with Ben on the confessional couch.

Remember that scene in Friends when Phoebe eats the end of Chandler’s sandwich because the babies want meat? And Joey comes up to her holding two steaks saying, “If you’re going to do something wrong, do it right!”

Leah makes the decision to out-Olivia with her illusions of grandeur. She informs Ben that Lauren B. is basically not here for the right reasons. In one afternoon, she becomes fluent in the language of BS and starts flinging it everywhere. The producers rush to grab Lauren B. so she can interrupt Leah before her nose grows even longer.

Ben immediately tells Lauren B. that someone on the date told him that she’s not the same in front of him as she is in front of the other girls in the house. Lauren is crestfallen and heads to the other girls to cry it out. Leah walks in and innocently asks what is up with Lauren B’s tears and how did she know to wear waterproof mascara? Lauren fills her in. Leah’s responds without a beat, “I didn’t say anything.”

She knows that a camera is on her, right?

Psssst, Leah. WE CAN BOTH SEE AND HEAR YOU. You do not have the power of invisibility. Did the ABC Psychotherapist miss her flight from Mexico City? Shouldn’t the ABC Intern have some of the happy pills to pass around in emergencies like these?

Amanda gets the rose. It was a safe choice. Later, she rubs the Twin’s arm as she and Lauren B. do the math to figure out who spread such a vicious lie. Crazy – Olivia = Leah.

Meanwhile, Leah marches over to Ben’s suite and proceeds to bash Lauren B. for another 20 minutes. Ben sees right through the charade and puts the kibosh on all the gossip. He tells Leah that there’s something missing (integrity) between them and that he hasn’t felt the spark since day 1. It’s time to say good-bye. He’ll walk you out.

Leah tells the camera that she didn’t see that coming. Oh Leah. Take two Zoloft and call Olivia in the morning.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE
Sweet, adorable, f-bomb-loving Twin goes full Pocahontas with her date attire. She shimmies into a Native American-themed fringe bikini top, white denim panties and her negligee robe. Her fake eyelashes are fierce, her pink lip gloss is flirty and her hair is fabulous. Olivia takes one look at Twin’s wardrobe and opts for a natural look. She puts on a modest, lace-inspired royal blue one piece and jorts. Her make-up is minimal. It’s the quintessential, “One of these things is not like the other. One of these things will be left on an island.”

Ben takes the ladies out onto a boat with gale force winds pushing at least 50-miles-per-hour. Ben begins shouting something to the girls about what a wonderful date he has planned, but I can’t make out what he’s saying due to the roar of the sea. I assume they are going to learn how to categorize hurricanes.

The boat pulls up to a tiny island. I prepare myself for aquatically proficient pigs. They never arrive. The girls use Ben as a shield as they make their way up onto the beach. The ABC Intern’s four-poster bed was clearly swept away. All that’s left is a beach towel held down by rocks and a rose bolted to a piece of driftwood.

Ben wastes no time stealing Olivia away first. She has wisely used the hair tie on her wrist to tame her wayward locks. Poor Twin is left to fend for herself, crying under the relentless effects of her weave whipping into each cornea. Ben pulls Olivia behind a dune. She proceeds to tell him that she’s totally cool with people hating her, she’s an introvert, she’s at peace with who she is, she’s in tune with her body, she’s strong and confident, she likes news, politics, religion and deep intellectual things are her jam. From the moment she met Ben, she knew he was the one. She’s in love and will kiss him now.

Olivia claims it was the best conversation EVER. I wonder if she actually heard Ben say anything or if she was listening to the voices in her head?

Twin drinks Olivia’s Kool-Aid and dominates her time too. She wants today to be the beginning of their journey, she wants Ben to know that she is in this to win this, she was to be more vulnerable, she knows she has a lot of growing to do and she wants him to watch her grow!

Someone get the woman a hair tie. Please. It’s annoying everyone, including Ben. She thinks she looks like this:

funny bachelor recap-Pocahantas

…but she really looks like this:

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Ben Recap

Ben thanks both ladies for not hating him for dragging them out into the middle of a hurricane. The ABC Intern politely reminds them that they all signed a contract, promising to not hold ABC responsible for any bodily injury or death that may occur on the show. With that said, it’s time to land this plane so they can all take cover.

Ben grabs the rose and Olivia and walks her away from Twin. Through heavy winds and rain, he tells Olivia that he can’t reciprocate her feelings of love. She’s actually speechless in that moment. Ben wanders over to Twin, gives her the rose and hightails it back to the boat, leaving Olivia literally sinking in the sand at the edge of the water. One courageous helicopter pilot braved the weather to capture the money shot of Olivia standing lonely on the island as the production crew huddled together under a tarp near the edge. Kudos to the Intern for tossing a few rose petals into the water to make the moment more poignant.

ROSE CEREMONY
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives at the rose ceremony green room. All the girls are shocked to learn that there will not be a cocktail party tonight. They will have to get their free booze and clarity elsewhere. Amanda, Caila and Twin wait patiently as Ben easily hands out roses to Becca, JoJo and Lauren B.

Lauren H. is sent home. She holds it together for the most part. I don’t think she did anything too terrible that will hinder her from securing a nice kindergarten teaching job at a school districts a few counties away from where she used to teach. Maybe she’ll find a nice boy at Tanner and Jade’s wedding on Sunday night? Who knows?!

What did you think of this episode? Did you expect Olivia to go home? Why was Leah such a liar? And who are your final picks? Remember, THIS IS A NO SPOILER ZONE!

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