Bachelor Ben Recap: Tip it on back

Bachelor Ben Recap: Episode 8 —

Hometown weeks are stressful, y’all. If chugging the last sips of champagne straight from the bottle is what you have to do in order to get through the night, I say go for it.

I have no excuses for Ben’s short shorts.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Plexus peddler who is obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Amanda
Orange County
Ben starts the hometown week off with Amanda. Orange County is just a hop, skip and a jump away from the Bachelor mansion. Amanda chooses her most unsuitable shoulderless blouse with which to frolic on the beach. This piece of fabric was a feat of engineering. Not only did it magically stay up around her boobs, but it didn’t technically have a back. It was actually a brilliant move to pair it with denim panties.

Amanda spies her two darling angel babies with adorable PIG TAILS and takes off running after them. She’s careful to hold her whimsical shirt lest her ample bosom pop out from its lackluster constraints. Ben tears up as Amanda smothers her children with kisses. He approaches the reunion cautiously. One of the girls gives this stranger a wary glance. The younger one looks at him up and down as if he’s shorter than she is, instantly gifting him with an unwavering expression. It’s clear that if she could talk, she’d say, “Mother. What’s up with this tall drink of water and why are his shorts so short? Who are these weirdos with cameras and can I please find sanctuary from the sun in one of your sleeve billows?”

Ben chases the older one around the beach. She has a tough time playing along. Running free and wild is extremely hard to do in pink gladiator sandals. They spend the day playing with kites and Get In Shape Girl ribbons. Soon it’s time to head on over to grandma’s house. The baby plays a fun game in the car — screaming from Point A to Point B. Amanda thinks she might be overwhelmed. Tiny Baby Gladiator would like for me to share that she approves of this message.

Amanda quickly introduces her parents to Ben before putting the children down for a well-deserved nap. Amanda’s mom talks to Ben about very important things, but I was too annoyed to listen because of the fly buzzing around his head. My mind quickly became distracted as I wondered, “Would Ben be able to Mr. Miyagi that fly with a pair of chopsticks?” I think we all know the answer to that quandary.

funny bachelor recap-Bachelor Ben Recap Wink

Amanda’s parents warn him that he would be an instant father to two amazing young girls. They also ask Amanda if she knows if Ben is ready to be an instant father to two amazing young girls? Amanda believes that Ben is ready. She can picture him being a great dad. So can we. Especially when he reads the girls a bedtime story consisting of the phrase, “Once upon a time, a boy named Ben met Mommy.”

Nice work with the fake book, ABC Intern, but this fairy tale is definitely going to land both girls a few hours in therapy. Stranger danger is real.

Lauren
Portland, OR
Lauren’s bra is so pretty. How do I know that? Because I saw it. It matched Ben’s shiny suit. I got a close-up of that bizarre fabric when he was downing a grilled cheese from a food truck. You know. The one he ate right before touring something called a whiskey library? Solid move, Lauren.

After taking a few photos in front of Harrison’s favorite brands and emailing them to him, Lauren and Ben head to her parents’ house. We meet mom, dad, three siblings and an 18-year-old dog named Tessa. The sister looks like she is ready for the camera and is the first to pull Ben aside to ask him some very tough questions. She’s skeptical and she wants Ben to know that Lauren is, above all else, eligible. Sure, she’s beautiful and has good values too, blah, blah, blah, but any guy would be lucky to have her. What’s so special about him? Why does he get the chance to put a ring on it?

Ben starts to cry and Sister softens. She rushes off to report her findings. Lauren tells her that she is in love with Ben and she must tell him tonight. Meanwhile, Dad (who is adorable by the way) wants to know how Ben is coping with this experience? I feel that Ben needed someone to ask how HE was doing in this process. Dad thinks Ben is genuine, honest and good. Of course he worries that Lauren has known him for five seconds, but he trusts his baby LoLo.

Not to be confused with JoJo.

Lauren wimps out at the good-bye SUV. She doesn’t say, “I love you” before he drives away to impress another family. Did she do the right thing?

Caila
Hudson, OH
Caila’s personality is hard to read in my opinion. Her mullet shirt is not. Caila takes Ben to sit on what she called a bench, but was really a swing. They make out because that’s what they do. She takes him to a playhouse factory (owned by her father) so they can design and build their own cottage. Caila rocks a pair of safety goggles, gloves and a hard hat like nobody’s business. She kisses Ben after every hammered nail, screw (not an innuendo) and successful paint job. He folds himself into the tiny finished piece of architectural genius. She finds him ah-mazing. Ben pulls an Officer and a Gentleman by sweeping her off her feet and carrying her out of the warehouse as others clap. For those of you who are too young, Ross also spoofed this with Rachel once at Central Perk. Feel free to use whichever example works for your generation.

We meet the parents next. Caila’s dad chooses pumpkin orange pants that I didn’t hate for his national television debut. Her mom was super laid back. She had her hair in a messy bun. She also had braces and flawless skin. I liked her. She smiled as Caila’s dad talked about how to handle “microwave fame.” Ben admits that it’s more exhausting than he could ever imagine. Tiny Baby Gladiator isn’t the only one who is overtired.

Caila’s mom tells Ben that Caila has been looking for someone for a long time now. She has very high standards. Should we consider this a red flag? Caila admits to both her parents that she’s falling in love with Ben. Her mother suggests she run down stairs, jump on him and tell him. Caila begins speaking in whispers as both parents encourage her to trust her gut. Like Lauren, she flakes at the end and doesn’t drop the L-Bomb.

JoJo
DALLAS
JoJo pairs the drawstring peasant blouse from her pirate wench Halloween costume with a cool jacket, skinny jeans and booties for her hometown date. She wanders up to her own brownstone and squeals with delight when she sees two dozen roses and a note at her door. She breezes inside, falls on her couch and reads two-thirds of a love note before realizing it’s not from Ben. It’s from her EX-BOYFRIEND CHAD who apparently never wrote her a note in the years that they dated. JoJo dramatically shouts, “No. NO!” while pacing up and down her living room floor. She was so excited about today and now the dude who is probably dog sitting for her is ruining EVERYTHING.

She’s very sad. Her gypsy ring/bracelet is hurting her shoot-the-finger. There’s only one thing to do. The ABC Intern hands her the phone. Chad’s number has already been dialed. He is extremely interested in winning her back at the precise moment Ben is walking up to her front door. OH WHAT HORRIBLE TIMING. Ben walks in, wondering why JoJo is a hot mess. She tells him the truth and for the first time in my eight-week history with Ben, I notice his eyes flash with anger. JoJo picks up on it too and begins back pedaling. She only called Chad to tell him it was over. Done. Nada. She doesn’t ever want to see him again. At least not until she picks up her dog after she’s engaged.

Both come out of their sweaters. It’s getting hot in the brownstone. Ben explains that he’s been down this road before and he doesn’t want to repeat the trip. She fixes everything by telling him she’s the happiest she’s ever been. Then they make out before calling Carson to tell them that they will be arriving shortly at the Abbey.

JoJo walks into the door on the front 40. Her brothers simply attack her with kisses and hugs and more kisses. Ben and I are thoroughly confused. Clearly they are doing this on purpose. Mama escorts him through the veranda, the downstairs library, the terrarium, the billiards room and the conservatory to the small dining room. The silver is polished, the Waterford is glistening and the conversation is…unfortunate.

The men want Ben to know that JoJo will NOT be leaving Dallas. If this is going to be a thing, he has to leave his life in Denver. Ben doesn’t fold like a cheap shirt, but he doesn’t promise he’ll do it either. During her alone time with her mom, JoJo confesses that she’s falling for Ben. And she’s going to give it 150% (read: 100%). Her brothers warn her to guard and protect her heart. This makes me smile.

The brothers later double team Ben, peppering him with concerns. They don’t think Ben has the same feelings for JoJo as she has for him. They think he has a poker face on because there are three other girls who he’s courting at the same time. One thinks that Ben is playing JoJo because they’ve only been out on two dates. How can he be emotionally invested?

This is the point when Mama starts to drink. Out of the champagne bottle. I love this woman.

Ben holds his own for the most part, but you can tell that he felt like this was a losing battle. Especially when Brother accuses him of having a “coached” answer. JoJo admits that she’s scared that Ben is going to walk away because of her brothers’ concerns. She decides to wear her tightest, boobiest dress for the rose ceremony to help him make his decision.

And it works!

Everyone is freshly coiffed and spruced after making the trip home. Amanda even got her roots done! In the end, Ben chooses Lauren, Caila and JoJo to continue their journey with him. Amanda handles herself beautifully. She wishes he would have let her go during the hometown date, but she understands that he needed to make an informed decision. She leaves with her dignity and a white box. Kudos to the ABC Intern for implementing rejection party favors. I like to think the tiny gift was filled with airplane-size bottles of alcohol. Ben chokes back tears as he watches Amanda drive out of his life.

Next week, all three girls tell Ben he loves them just in time for fantasy suites. Who will make the final two? And did JoJo’s mom secure her as the next bachelorette if Ben doesn’t choose her? Should we start a petition for Chad to be the next bachelor? Sound off in the comments!

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